


Growing Up Too Fast

by CTI_Jenn



Category: Flashpoint
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-11-24
Packaged: 2017-11-07 07:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 76
Words: 385,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/428581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CTI_Jenn/pseuds/CTI_Jenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some lessons in life cause a person to grow up way too fast. Sixteen year old Jules Callaghan learned that lesson the hard way. Now the past she'd thought she'd put behind her comes back to haunt her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Author’s Notes: This is my first Flashpoint story. The idea came from a dream I had one night. I’m not sure how old Jules is supposed to be on the show. I know Amy Jo Johnson was born in 1970 so she’ll be 42 this year but the character seems a little younger to me. For the purpose of this story, I’m making Jules 36. I hope you enjoy the story. Feedback is always appreciated.  
Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and its respective networks. I am making no money off this story and it is for entertainment purposes only. However, this particular story is my creation and should not be used without my express written permission. 

Chapter 1

 

1992

The day had been made especially for being outside. Or at least it seemed that way to sixteen year old Julianna Callaghan as she jogged down the two lane street toward her driveway. Though she’d already been running for almost two hours straight, the cool fall breeze had ensured that she’d barely broken a sweat when normally she’d be positively drenched by this point. She hadn’t intended to run for so long; when she’d first left her house two hours earlier the plan had been to run to her usual stopping spot of the old tree stump a mile and a half down the road and then back again. However, when Jules had reached her destination she’d felt the urge to keep going forward rather than to make her way home. She wasn’t sure if it had been the almost perfect day that had kept her moving or the dread of returning home. 

It wasn’t that Julianna didn’t like her home. She really did, usually at least. But just that morning her father, a police officer, had left to attend a training seminar out of town. He’d be gone for the rest of the week. Jules knew the problems that would cause for her being left alone with her mother during that time. She loved her mother but didn’t always know the best way to handle her mother’s hidden problem. When her father was home, Margaret Callaghan hid her addiction well, but whenever Jack Callaghan pulled a late shift or had to go out of town, her mother quickly found solace in the arms of her other love Jack Daniels. Jules was pretty sure that her mother had probably already downed a full bottle of the whiskey and was well on her way to getting and then staying drunk for the duration of Jack Callaghan’s absence. Jules had learned at a young age that while her mother was normally a sweet and loving woman, she was a mean and vicious drunk.

The only thing keeping the sixteen year old from jogging straight on past the driveway and figuring out somewhere else to stay while her father was out of town was the knowledge that her favorite, if only, uncle, was coming to stay with them for the week. Her mother’s younger brother, barely even five years older than Jules herself, was perhaps her favorite person in the entire world outside her own father. She was pretty sure he knew about his sister’s addiction and while he didn’t know how to handle it any more than Julianna did, would act as a buffer between mother and daughter if things got too bad.

With the promise of the coming presence of her uncle, Jules didn’t hesitate to turn down her driveway when she finally reached it and continued to jog down the long path that led to the small house she called home. It wasn’t much by most people’s standards but she loved it, mostly because of the renovations that had been lovingly carried out by her father. During his days off, Jack Callaghan had spent hours on project after project making the house a place they could all be proud of. Whenever she could, Jules had eagerly pitched in to help, enjoying the work itself as well as the chance to spend the quality time with her father.

Once at the front porch, Jules sank to the steps to catch her breath. No car was in the driveway except her mother’s and she was afraid that meant that her uncle Johnny, or UJ as she had always called him, hadn’t arrived yet. She didn’t want to go in and face her probably already inebriated mother without him there.

A small gray cat rubbed against her leg and meowed softly. Jules smiled and reached down to pet the small animal before picking her up for a more thorough cuddle. “Hey Boxer. What are you doing outside? Did you decide the day was too nice to be cooped up indoors or were you escaping Mom as well?”

The cat meowed again as if to answer her before curling up against the teenager’s body purring. Jules’s smile widened even more at the creature. She’d only had Boxer for a couple of months but it had been love at first sight. 

Behind her, the front door opened and a small but imposing woman stepped out. “Where the hell have you been? Your uncle will be here any minute and this place is a disaster. Get your ass in here and start cleaning.” Jules’s prediction had been correct; her mother had been drinking. It was always easy for her to tell. Normally her mother would never use foul language in front of her. It was only after a few drinks that her control on the English language slipped.

With a sigh and feeling like a convict about to enter the prison gates for the last time, Jules pushed up from the steps to obey her mother’s wishes. While the house wasn’t magazine cover immaculate, it wasn’t a pig sty either. However she didn’t want to cause any more problems than was necessary. She stepped inside and started to put Boxer on the floor when her mother stopped her. 

“That beast stays outside.”

Beast? What was her mother talking about? Boxer was barely more than a kitten and the best behaved cat Jules had ever seen. With the exception of a few excursions out of doors, the kitten had been primarily an indoor cat from the day Jules had gotten her. Why the big protest now?

“But Boxer always stays in the house.” Jules protested before realizing it probably was a bad idea. The palm of her mother’s hand collided with the side of her face in a stinging slap. A few tears immediately sprang to the young girl’s eyes. It wasn’t that the slap was that painful but the idea that her mother could hit her that hurt the most. 

“Do not talk back to me like that. Your father lets you get away with entirely too much. I don’t know what he was thinking bringing that animal home. I say he stays outside.”

“She.” Jules corrected automatically and then flinched at the anticipation of another slap. But this time her mother didn’t hit her. Instead she reached out and snatched the kitten out of Jules’s hands. The normally docile feline was so surprised and frightened by the sudden grab that she latched out with her claws to try to keep from falling and hissed.

Jules let out her own hiss of pain and grabbed her arm as her mother unceremoniously dumped the kitten back out the door before closing it solidly. She looked at Jules’s arm which was starting to bleed.

“Told you it was a nasty creature. You better go clean it carefully so it doesn’t get infected. I certainly don’t want to have to take you to the doctor if it does. Then clean this place up.”

Knowing it was useless to protest, Julianna retreated to the bathroom. Closing and locking the door behind her, she inspected the wound. The scratch wasn’t deep but it was already stinging worse than the slap had even thought about hurting. She turned on the faucet and held her arm underneath the warm stream. The clear liquid was tinged in red but she held her arm there until it was no longer bleeding. Though she was pretty sure it would at least momentarily hurt more, she poured some peroxide over the scratch and then dried it off so the bandage would stick to it.

With the wound taken care of, Jules opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom. She didn’t hear her mother rambling around the house and she took that as a good sign. The downstairs was completely deserted but then she heard a door slam upstairs. Jules wasn’t going to complain; the more she was able to avoid being alone with her mother for the duration of her father’s training, the better for her.

Jules wasn’t sure exactly what she was supposed to be cleaning; nothing seemed out of place. She headed into the kitchen thinking she could at least make sure the breakfast dishes drying in the drain board were put away. Stacking the glasses one on top of the other, she then opened the cabinet to place them inside. Staring back at her defiantly were three bottles of the amber liquid that so altered her mother’s personality. Jules set the cups aside and removed one of the bottles. How could something so innocent looking cause so much trouble? 

Jules put the bottle back, resisting the urge to open the bottle and pour its contents out into the sink. Pour it out so her mother couldn’t drink it. Her best friend Beth once told her that every time she found a pack of her own mother’s cigarettes lying around she would tear them to pieces so her mother couldn’t smoke them. It had eventually worked and Mrs. Connors had quit smoking but Jules knew that Beth’s attempts had caused quite a few problems for the mother and daughter before it worked. She somehow didn’t think it was a smart choice on the first day her father was out of town. 

Instead she finished putting the dishes away and hoped her uncle would arrive soon. Not seeing anything else that seemed so out of place that her mother would complain, Jules returned to the front porch where Boxer was curled up next to the door. The kitten picked her head up as the teenager stepped outside and meowed. Jules picked her feline friend up and nuzzled her gray fur. She hoped the kitten knew she didn’t hold her responsible for the scratch on her arm. 

“I’m sorry, Boxer. I don’t know why Mom’s decided to turn against you today. I’d sneak you up to my room and hide you but if she found you there we’d both be in trouble. Maybe once UJ gets here, he can help convince her to let you come back inside.”

As she spoke, she heard a car turn into the drive. She looked up and recognized her uncle’s car as it kicked up dust on the path. Giving the kitten one more loving pat, she set the kitten on the porch and ran down the steps to greet him as soon as he parked his vehicle. She barely let him get out of the car before throwing her arms around him in a welcoming hug. He returned the embrace just as enthusiastically then pulled back to give her a good once over.

“JAC, you just get more and more beautiful every time I see you.” He pulled her back in for another hug, kissing her cheek in the process. Jules’s worries began to fade. It’d been several months since she’d seen him but he always made her feel special every time he came around. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” Julianna admitted.

Johnny eyed her carefully. “She’s already hitting the bottle isn’t she?” He gently touched her cheek where her mother had slapped her earlier. “As well as hitting other things, right? I see faint outlines of fingers there. I’m sorry, Kiddo. Wish there was something I could do to make things better.”

Jules helped him retrieve his bags from the car and walked with him up the walk to the front door. “You do just by being here.”

He threw an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. “I’m glad to be here. You don’t have anything to worry about as long as I’m around.”

It wouldn’t take long before Jules found out that not every promise could be kept.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

Present Day

Connect. Respect. Protect. It was the mantra of the skilled negotiator. People who resorted to holding others hostage to get what they want or to prove a point or to just salvage what they believed to be threatened were usually a big danger to everyone involved.. It wasn’t always effective to just burst in with guns blazing and hope for the best. That was how lives, both innocent and not so innocent, were lost. 

The first thing the negotiator had to do was connect with the hostage taker. If the person charged with bringing a safe resolution to the situation didn’t connect with the person with a gun, he or she had no chance of getting the person on the figurative or literal ledge to listen to reason. That always meant that the negotiator went in without a weapon. Hard to engender trust when you are pointing a gun at someone. That didn’t mean the negotiator was unprotected. Others were charged with that protection detail. It also usually meant the negotiator had to put a likable and personal face on the whole of the police department.

The respect aspect was sometimes harder. The negotiator had to find some way to respect the feelings and beliefs of the person who was threatening to turn other lives upside down. Generally speaking, a person didn’t just up and decide to hold someone hostage on a whim. There was usually a trigger that at least in the eyes of the hostage taker was worth the risk of killing someone. It was the negotiator’s job to uncover that reason and offer an alternative method of handling the problem while validating the reason behind it. Sometimes that was easy, such as the case of the father who was holding an organ transplant team hostage in an attempt to save his daughter’s life. Other times it was almost impossible to muster up any sympathy for the person holding a gun, such as when a cult leader was determine to avoid capture by killing himself and the whole assembly of willing followers who believed they were doing God’s will. And the worst was when despite being able to find that respect, the hostage taker was mentally unable to distinguish reality with the fantasy the mind had produced, such as the unstable man who’d been led to believe terrorists were trying to destroy the world and believed that a helpless waitress was really a suicide bomber.

Sometimes no matter how much respect went in to connecting with the hostage taker, it was impossible to protect everyone. A negotiator went into a hot call hoping to resolve the issue peacefully without anyone, hostages, officers, or even the hostage taker getting injured. Sometimes calls worked out just that perfectly but not always. Sometimes people got hurt but no negotiator wanted to make a Scorpio call that would take the life of the hostage taker unless it was completely unavoidable. The loss of even the life of the hostage taker didn’t seem much like a victory to the skilled and caring negotiator. 

Jules Callaghan took a deep breath as she carefully entered the nicely decorated suburban home that was the current scene of the hot call Team One had been dispatched to. All they currently knew was that a young woman was holding her father at gunpoint and threatening to kill him. The girl’s mother had made the 911 call before sneaking out the back of the house. Currently she was giving Greg Parker, leader and sergeant of Team One, information on what was happening inside. He’d assigned Jules the task of being the negotiator for this call, thinking the desperate young woman might respond better to another female. So Jules was entering the house in her Kevlar and flanked by her co-worker and boyfriend Sam Braddock on one side and newest member of the team Raf Rousseau on the other. Greg and Spike were both at the truck monitoring the situation and Ed was making his way to an elevated area to try to get a good line of a shot in case negotiations failed and Scorpio had to be called.

“Jules, our suspect is Samantha Harper and her victim is her father Spencer. Mother reports that Samantha is recovering from a brain injury she suffered five months ago in a car accident. She’s suffering from retrograde amnesia of the first fifteen years of her life as well as erratic behavior. She’s being treated by a psychiatrist. Spike’s getting him en-route now.”

“Copy that.” Jules spoke softly into her comlink. The ability of the others to feed her information on the fly was indispensable in the field. She made her way cautiously toward the living room where it had been reported the action was taking place. As she rounded the corner, she could see the twenty-something year old brandishing a gun on an older, obviously terrified man. “I have a visual.”

“In position on the roof next door.” Ed Lane reported. “I have the solution.”

Again Jules copied the information, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary for Ed to use the solution he’d found. As she came into the younger woman’s sight, Samantha turned, the gun wavering between her father and this newest possible threat. 

“Samantha, my name is Jules and I’m with the Strategic Response Unit. I just want to talk to you. See if we can resolve whatever is going on here. Can we do that?”

“He’s a murderer.” The distraught young woman insisted, the gun now back on her father. “He should go to jail for what he did.”

“What are you talking about Sam? I never killed anyone. Come on Sweetheart. Put the gun away and let us help you. We’ll take you to see Dr. Peters.”

“SHUT UP!” Samantha screamed at her father.

Jules knew she had to get the woman’s attention back on her and not on the man she seemed intent on killing. “Samantha? Look at me. If your father committed a crime, we can make sure he answers for it. But before we can do that, I need some more information. Do you think you could tell me about the murder you say he committed?”

“Good, Jules.” There was no mistaking the tone in Greg Parker’s voice. It was a mixture of both professional and almost paternal pride. Jules knew he had every confidence in her ability to do her job; he’d never assign her as lead negotiator if he didn’t but she also knew he was aware that she wasn’t always as confident about her ability as he was. She was grateful the reassurances.

“I was just six years old and she was my friend. He killed her.”

Apparently, Samantha had recovered a missing memory but how accurate was it? “Killed who? Samantha, what was your friend’s name?” If they had a name, Spike could feed the information into his computer to help verify the story. 

Samantha sniffled a little. “Snowball.”

Jules frowned. She somehow doubted any parent would name a human child Snowball, even if said parents had lived during the height of the hippie crazy of naming children wildly unusual names. Still it was obviously a painful memory that was haunting the gun wielding woman. She gentled her voice even more while shooting Spencer a look to stay quiet. “Who was Snowball, Samantha?”

“My puppy. He was solid white and he was my best friend. I loved him but Dad killed him. Will you arrest him now or should I just kill him the way he killed Snowball?”

For just a moment, Jules flashed back in time to a different animal. The sight of an impossibly still gray kitten lying in a pool of blood on her bed filled her mind and she felt her stomach twist and turn. It took a sick individual to murder a helpless animal and the part of her that would forever be that teenage girl who’d experienced a similar pain wanted to urge Ed to switch his line of fire so she could call Scorpio on the father instead. Instead, the adult who knew there could be more to the story and wanted to resolve the situation peacefully took a deep breath and pushed the troubling images out of her mind. 

“Samantha, let’s talk about this.” Never lie to a suspect. Another rule of being a good negotiator, but Jules wasn’t sure the truth would be reassuring to the younger woman. “I can’t arrest him for murder if the victim is an animal but if you could give me more information he might could be charged with animal cruelty. Why don’t you give me the gun and we can sit down. You can tell me what you remember. I’ll take your statement.”

Samantha shook her head. “I don’t remember what happened. I just remember standing right here where I am now. I had just found out Snowball was dead and that Dad was responsible. I can see myself standing here screaming at him calling him a murderer and he doesn’t deny it. He just hung his head and told me he was sorry. How can you kill an innocent animal? How could you, Daddy?”

It was a question Jules never had gotten a satisfactory answer to either, not that she’d really been able to voice the question to someone who might could have answered it. She took another step closer to the suspect and ignored Sam’s voice in her ear telling her not to. This girl wasn’t going to hurt her. She was locked in a memory of pain and needed answers. Her brain injury might have made her reaction unstable but Jules could understand her need all the same. 

“Samantha, I get that you are upset. I understand all too well how hard it is to lose a pet you love so much, especially if you didn’t have to. I’m sure your dad can explain what happened but it’s going to be hard for him to do so if you are holding that gun on him. So how about you give me the gun and I’ll sit down with you and your father and listen as he tells us what happened. I promise you that if he broke any laws I will arrest him when he’s finished. Okay?”

The gun wavered just a little but Samantha didn’t hand it over. Instead she shook her head. “He’ll lie if he thinks he‘s not in danger.”

“I know your memory is fuzzy because of your car accident but is your dad the type of person to lie to you?” Jules was steadily moving closer, not wanting to panic the girl but wanting to be close to possibly disarm her if she escalated. Sam was still protesting in her ear that she was taking too big a risk but she ignored him, especially when Greg assured him over the comlink that she was doing fine and to let her be. 

After another couple of minutes, Samantha slowly lowered the gun completely and handed it to Jules who held it behind her for Sam to take. Jules then put an arm around the younger woman and led her to the couch. She knew the rest of the team wouldn’t stand down just because the gun was out of play but they would relax just a little. She motioned for Spencer Harper to join them. 

“Mr. Harper, do you remember the incident your daughter is concerned about?” Jules asked delicately, her voice still an oasis of calm meant to keep reassuring Samantha that everything was okay. 

He nodded as he joined them, sitting in a chair opposite the couch they were sitting on. He looked upset. “Unfortunately I do. I wish I could say Samantha remembered the incident incorrectly but her memory of screaming at me and calling me a murderer happened just the way she remembered it. I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me for Snowball’s death.”

Samantha stiffened next to Jules and the officer was grateful she’d managed to get the gun away from her before Mr. Harper’s admission. “So you admit you killed him? Why Daddy, what did my puppy ever do to you?”

“Nothing.” Spencer Harper ran his hands over his face struggling to find the words to explain what happened. “I didn’t kill Snowball, Sweetheart but I was responsible for his death. You were so young when it happened that you didn’t understand the difference.”

“When what happened?” Jules asked hoping to keep the conversation going without Samantha escalating back into a danger. 

“Snowball was sick. Somehow he got into some chemicals in the garage that I thought were stored properly. I took him to the vet. Do you remember Doc Bob, Samantha? He took care of Snowball off of his life. But there was nothing he could do for Snowball this time. Rather than let Snowball die a painful death from the poisons he ingested, Doc Bob recommend that we put him to sleep. I knew how upsetting it would be to watch your best friend die and I didn’t want you to see it. Samantha, I hated to let Doc Bob euthanize Snowball but I didn’t want the little fellow to suffer either. I promise you I held him all through the procedure and reminded him how much you loved him and were going to miss him. When you got home from school that night I told you what happened but in your little eyes you saw what I had done as murder. I don’t know which hurt more. Watching Snowball’s last few minutes of life or seeing you stand in this living room accusing me of murder. I think I did a better job of comforting the puppy than I did you.”

A lump formed in Jules’s throat as she listened to the story. Again her mind replayed the last time she’d seen her own furry best friend and swallowed back the bile that threatened to push past the lump. She was glad that this current story had a better ending than her own. She glanced over at Samantha who had tears streaking her face. 

“Samantha? Do you believe what he’s telling you?”

The younger girl shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t remember any of the rest of it.”

“Don‘t take my word for it.” Spencer urged her gently. “As Doc Bob yourself. He’ll tell you the truth. I felt so guilty that day. Guilty that the puppy had gotten into the chemicals in the first place. Guilty because there was nothing the doctor could do to save him. Guilty that you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before we put him to sleep. Guilty about having to tell you.”

He left his seat and knelt on the floor in front of his daughter, gathering her gently in his arms as she began to sob. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I want you to get your memory back but I guess I was hoping you could just regain the pleasant memories and keep the painful ones locked away so they wouldn’t hurt you.” 

He glanced over his daughter’s head to look at Jules. “She’s been through so much. Please tell me she’s not going to be in trouble because of this. I know what she did was wrong but I don’t think she’d really have hurt me.”

Jules waited until Greg confirmed the answer she wanted to give him over the comlink before reaching out to squeeze his arm. “If you don’t want to press charges, then nothing more is going to come of this. Dr. Peters is outside, would you like for him and your wife to come in?”

He nodded and returned his attention back to his distraught daughter. “Thank you.”

Jules nodded and rose from the couch. She followed Sam and Raf out of the living room, passing the doctor and Mrs. Harper as they made their way to Spencer and Samantha. She missed the exchange of looks between Sam and Raf. The newest member of the team continued on out of the house, but Sam put his hand on Jules’s arm, stopping her. He turned off his comlink and motioned for her to do the same. 

“Damn it, Jules, what were you thinking in there? When I was in Afghanistan I saw buddies with brain injuries similar to hers do crazy things they would never ordinarily do. She could have turned on you in an instant. She could have shot you.”

“But she didn’t. She was upset and wanted to find the missing pieces to the puzzle of her memory. Don’t make this worse than it was, Sam.” Without giving him a chance to say anything else, she turned her comlink back on and left the house. 

At the truck Greg congratulated her on a job well done. If he wondered why the two had turned off their comlinks in the house he didn’t say so. Every since Sam and Jules had been allowed to make their relationship official the team had done their best not to make it a bid deal. It was if they all knew if it became a work problem, one or both would have to be transferred off the team and nobody wanted that. So as long as it didn’t interfere with their work, Greg didn’t question their need to sometimes go offline . He could however tell something was bothering the young woman, especially when she chose to ride back to the barn with Ed instead of Sam as she usually would. Again, he didn’t press the issue. 

Once back at the headquarters, they debriefed from the call quickly before returning to the more mundane duties they had been engaged in before the call came in. The rest of the afternoon was quiet and Sam said nothing more to Jules about the call until just before the end of the shift when the young couple found themselves working out in the gym side by side. He sat down next to her on one of the workout benches and offered her a bottle of water. 

“Cat or dog?” He gently teased as she downed half the bottle in one long swallow. She recapped the bottle and raised an eyebrow in his direction.

“What are you talking about?”

“At the Harpers earlier, you said you knew all too well what it was like to lose a pet. You’ve never mentioned having one before. It made me curious. Are you a cat person or a dog person?”

Almost immediately he could feel her tense up. She stood from the bench and stepped on the treadmill, turning it up to an almost ridiculous speed. “Neither.”

Sam frowned, wondering about her sudden frosty behavior. “So what kind of pet did you have? Come on Jules, I’m just curious.”

Instead of answering him, Jules turned up the treadmill even more. Concentrating on the speed and incline she’d selected, Jules effectively shut Sam out and ending the conversation. She knew he didn’t mean anything bad by his question but she also couldn’t stop the images that his innocent question brought back to the forefront of her mind. Images she’d been trying vainly to ignore since the call earlier. 

Sam sighed and dropped the subject, going back to his own workout. Once Jules finally shut off the machine and stepped off the treadmill, he followed her out of the gym and then pulled her into a deserted hallway. He wrapped his arms around her small waist and pulled her close. She remained stiff but didn’t pull away. He pressed a warm kiss on her cheek. “I’m sorry, Jules. I didn’t mean to upset you earlier. It’s just sometimes I feel like you know everything there is to know about me and I know so little about you.”

“Some things you are better off not knowing.”


	2. Chapter 2

_1992_

“Remind me again why I don’t come to visit more often.” Johnny pleaded with his sister and niece as he pushed his plate away. “I don’t think I ever eat better than when I stay here. That was delicious.”

Jules rolled her eyes but inwardly felt pleased by the comment. She didn’t cook much but knowing that her mother was more interested in drinking her meals for the week, she knew someone would have to step up to the task of preparing the meals. Tonight’s supper had only been spaghetti and a canned meat sauce but hearing her uncle rave on about it still made her feel good. 

“Glad you liked it.”

His chair was pulled up close to hers and he reached under the table to give her knee an affectionate squeeze. “Some guy is going to be lucky to snatch you up for marriage.”

Margaret Callaghan set her cup down. Jules had noticed that her mother had chosen an opaque glass, probably to hide the fact that her Jack and Coke was heavy on the Jack and almost nonexistent with the Coke. Her mother snorted slightly. “Don’t let Jack hear you make that prediction. I don’t think he plans on his little girl ever dating. “

Johnny cocked his head to one side. “That true, Little JAC? Daddy keeping you all safe and protected against those nasty ole boys who only want one thing from you? Can’t say I blame him. If I had a gorgeous daughter like you I wouldn’t trust any guy around her.”

Jules slapped at his arm, embarrassed by the compliments. “Stop it and don’t give Dad any encouragement. It’s not like guys are beating down my door even trying to get a date with me. And even if they were, Dad would probably scare them away by showing them his gun collection.”

Shaking his head, her uncle shot her a wink. “Guys around here must be blind, stupid, or both. You’re worth facing a gun toting constable any day. Hey, JAC, that bowling alley still open in town?”

“Sure is. Why, you aren’t thinking you actually have a chance of beating me this time do you, UJ?” There was a mischievous gleam in her eyes as she all but issued a challenge.

Johnny laughed out loud. “Cheeky little brat. What makes you think I was going to invite you along? ‘Course now I guess I don’t have much choice. Someone’s got to put you in your place, Little Girl. How about you and I take care of these dishes so we can get to our little challenge.”

“You’re on, UJ.” This was what she truly missed when her uncle wasn’t around. That competitive spirit that made him more of another older brother than a doting uncle. She could almost sense her mother’s disproval radiating off the older woman in waves but she ignored it. This week was going to be hard enough; she had to have fun some way. Her uncle would ensure that.

So uncle and niece made an almost game out of cleaning the kitchen and neither noticed when Margaret left the room. Soon the kitchen was clean and Johnny snapped his dish towel at Jules, catching her on her rear end. She shook her head.

“Are you sure you’re supposed to be the adult here? Give me five minutes to get changed and then I’m taking you to school, UJ.”

He snorted derisively. “See that’s why you are going to lose, Little Girl. You don’t even know where we’re going.”

Still laughing at the exchange, Jules ran lightly up the stairs to her bedroom. She was in the process of changing her shirt when her door opened and her mother stepped inside. Margaret’s eyes were accusing as she regarded her daughter critically.

“Guess you and Johnny are still planning on going out and leaving me here all by myself.”

Jules sighed and sat on the edge of her bed. “Mom, do you really want us here? I figured it would be easier for you to get rip roaring drunk without any interference from us. That’s what you really care about isn’t it?”

“No one loves me.” Margaret accused. “I’ve spent my life making this house a home and what thanks do I get? My husband runs off for a week at a time. My sons have abandoned me and my only little girl would prefer to go off and throw silly little balls down a slick floor than spend time with me. Why shouldn‘t I enjoy a drink now and then? At least the alcohol doesn‘t act like it hates me.”

For a moment, Jules felt sorry for her mother. Was that really how she saw her life? “Mom, we all love you. Dad doesn’t have any choice when he’s sent to some sort of training seminar. His job is important and he has to keep up with the newest techniques. And the boys didn’t abandon you; they are living their lives. Going to college, getting jobs, getting married; the things you and Dad raised them to know was right.” She took a deep breath. When her mother was sober, Jules had no trouble confiding her fears and thoughts to her mother. Like her mother was now, Jules couldn’t be sure how her mother would take anything she had to say but felt she owed it to her to try. “I do love you, Mom. Nothing will change that. But yeah, when you get drunk I do prefer doing anything else to spending time with you. You slapped me earlier. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you even care? Or are you so wrapped up in your addiction that nothing else matters but the next drink you get?”

Her mother’s eyes hardened. “I don’t have a problem except that I have an ungrateful little brat for a daughter. Go on and get out of here and go spend time with your precious uncle. I don’t need you or him.”

Realizing there would be no reasoning with her mother in her current condition, Jules finished buttoning her shirt and left the bedroom without another word or a backward glance. Tears pricked her eyes as she made her way back downstairs to where Johnny was waiting, his usual grin on his face until he saw her watery eyes. He motioned her closer and hugged.

“Everything okay?”

She nodded and sniffled slightly. She didn’t want to cry. Didn’t want anyone to see how badly her mother’s words and actions hurt her. Johnny held her close against him for a few minutes more, rubbing circles against her back with the held that held her there. Then he kissed the top of head and pulled back. 

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand. I believe someone challenged me to a battle royal at bowling.”

Jules nodded and wiped the remnants of the tears she refused to shed from her eyes. At the door, she couldn’t help but look back at the stairs. Johnny sensed her hesitation and looked at her, his eyebrow raised in an unspoken question. She chewed on her bottom lip. “You think she’s going to be okay here alone?” 

Once again he pulled her close, this time toying gently with her ponytail as he kissed the side of her face near her ear. His breath tickled her ear as he sought to reassure her. “She’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Trust me to take care of everything.”

If only promises were that simple to keep.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

_Present Day_

“I’m stuffed.” Jules admitted as she pushed her plate away from her.

Sam laughed. “You should be. You are the only girl I’ve ever met that could give me a run for my money when it comes to polishing off tacos.”

Narrowing her eyes, Jules wadded up her paper napkin and threw it at him. “Are you calling me a pig, Braddock? 

“Not at all.” Sam assured her, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I think I’m just used to dating women who are more worried about what I think about them than how much they eat so they barely touch a carrot stick around me. I love that you are comfortable being yourself around me. And trust me, I love every beautiful inch of your small excellently toned body.”

He reached over and caught her wrist in his hand. Giving it a slight tug he urged her from her seat to pull her over into his own lap. She didn’t resist and a second later she was nestled comfortably in his arms. Their lips met in a sizzling kiss and for the moment the dueling of tongues and each other’s touches were the only things that mattered in the world.

It had been two days since the call at the Harper household. Two days since he’d tried to glean from her what had happened to the pet she’d alluded to losing during the negotiation. She had made it perfectly clear that she hadn’t wanted to talk about it and he hadn’t pressed her any more. Still, the questions had been tucked in the back of his mind and he’d dwelt on them in his free moments, mulling over the reasons why it could have bothered her so much she refused to talk about it now. If she was still thinking about it as well, she hadn’t given him any indication. 

The kiss grew more heated and Sam knew he wanted more. He pulled back slightly and tucked a stray strand of her long caramel hair behind her ear. “Let’s go upstairs.”

Breathing hard, Jules glanced back at the table. “I should get the kitchen cleaned up. There’s a ton of laundry that needs to be done…”

“Later.” Sam protested. He stood, wrapping her legs around his waist as he did so. He blazed a trail of kisses from her mouth across her jaw line to her right ear. There he nipped lightly at her earlobe. His breath hot in her ear, he began to whisper exactly what he had in mind for her, not that she needed the detailed information to know his intentions. She gave in to his and her own desires and allowed him to carry her out of the kitchen toward the stairs. She moaned in pleasure as his mouth moved from her ear down to the nape of the neck where his kisses both tickled and sent a thrill of emotion surging down to her deepest core. 

Since he was doing the work of getting them to the bedroom, she took the initiative to begin unbuttoning his shirt -- one less obstacle for them to deal with once they reached their destination and it gave her a chance to run her fingers over his hard warm chest. Once they reached the bedroom, Sam laid her gently across the king sized bed and shrugged out of the shirt she’d so obligingly unfastened for him. She was wearing an oversized long sleeve t-shirt and he gathered the hem of the garment in his fists and eased it up and over her head. He eased down on the bed next to her, his hands skimming up her now bare sides and around to her back so he could unfasten her bra while his mouth once more claimed hers. As he completely laid bare her upper body, he was careful to keep his hands from touching her breasts even though he wanted nothing more than to cup their supple firmness in his hands and kneed the soft flesh as his thumbs flicked and teased her nipples into hard peaks.

Her body was now as familiar to him as his own was. They had danced this dance enough by now that he knew all the places to touch and kiss that would garner moans of pleasure and shivers of delight. He’d also learned the hard way the actions that would bring their bedroom exploits to a screeching halt. He loved making love to the woman lying almost underneath him but he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t without its difficulties. There had been many women in his life before Jules; he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to really admit just how many. With all of those other women he could have them arching off the bed and begging for more as he lavished their breasts with attention from both his hands and his mouth. Not so with Jules. 

She was a willing and giving lover, he couldn’t deny that. Their couplings were always hot and sensual and left them both sated and more than mutually satisfied. Still, he’d never met a woman who didn’t enjoy the arousing foreplay that usually came before the actual sexual act until Jules came into his life. 

Her fingers fumbled with his belt buckled and he raised his hips slightly to give her better access. Once the belt was undone and she’d deftly popped the button on his jeans and slipped the zipper down, he shimmied out of the confining material leaving only his boxers in place. He knew they would soon join the rest of his clothes in a heap on the floor but first he wanted, no needed, to help her out of her own jeans. Once she’d been divested of her pants, his fingers skimmed the waistband of her boy shorts underwear. He loved that her bra and panties were as no-nonsense and comfortable as she herself was. He had a hard time imagining her in some frilly little lacy number. Without a second thought he helped her out of the panties so that she was completely naked beneath him. 

His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her beautiful body laid bare before him. He said a silent prayer of thanks that they’d been given a second chance at this happiness. The time they’d spent apart as a couple had been hard on him. Working side by side of the woman he loved, knowing what was beneath her cool pants and uniform shirt and not being able to touch or hold her had been hell on him. When she’d started dating Steve during their break from each other, he wanted to be happy for her. Wanted her to be happy even if it wasn’t with him but it had been difficult. He never wanted to admit how jealous he’d been of the paramedic or how many nights he’d lain awake wondering if Steve was holding her the way he was currently holding her and if the other man was as solicitous of Jules’s needs and dislikes in the bedroom. 

His hand drifted back up her legs and skimmed over her womanly curves. They almost ached with a need to explore further, to touch her in those intimate places she only allowed one part of him to touch. Instead, he rolled slightly so that he was hovering directly over her, careful to keep most of his weight on his arms and not on top of her. A moment later, his boxers were gone and he was poised at her warm wet entrance, his eyes seeking hers to ensure that she was ready to take him inside her. She nodded and he gently thrust inside her, both of them moaning their immediate pleasure at the sensation of him filling her. 

Later, when they’d both had risen to the peaks of perfect sexual heights and come back down, Sam nestled her close to his body. His fingers ran lightly up and down her arm, wanting the close contact to continue. She apparently felt the same way because she was lazily drawing imaginary circles and other shapes lightly with her finger. He could sense, not for the first time after they’d made love, her thoughts were going to some deep place and he couldn’t help but wonder where they took her. He never asked not about her thoughts in those moments or her reasons for pulling away from sexual acts, not wanting to pry into something she obviously wanted to keep private. 

He twisted slightly so that he could kiss her once more. “I love you.”

She closed her eyes but not before he saw hazel swimming in a pool of unshed liquid. Worried that he’d done something to hurt or upset her, he sat up, braced on his elbow. He gently caressed her cheek. “Jules? Babe, what’s wrong?’

She shook her head, not opening her eyes. He could feel the slight trembling in her body now and knew she was really upset. His heart hammered in his chest. He wanted to draw her even closer to him until he could completely envelope her in his embrace so that she couldn’t help but feel safe and loved and protected. But even deeper than that want was the need to know what he’d done wrong so he could make it better. So instead of pulling her closer, he released his hold on her so that he could sit up enough to cup her face in his hands and press a couple of kisses just below her tightly shut eyes. 

“Jules, babe, please. Look at me.” His tone was pleading and he knew it but he was almost frantic with worry. “Did I hurt you? What’s wrong. Don’t tell me nothing; I can tell it’s something.”

For a moment he thought she was not going to listen to himi but finally she opened her eyes, a single tear making a solitary track down her cheek. Without hesitation, he kissed the tear away before lifting back up to lock his gaze on her. She took a shaky deep breath and whispered a single word on the exhale. “Why?’

Sam frowned and shook his head, confused by the question. “Why what?”

“Why do you love me? I don’t make things easy for you. I know you’ve had better lovers in the past, women who aren’t as frigid…”

He silenced her with a kiss. It was different from the ones he‘d plied her with during their lovemaking. He tried to pour all the love he had into the lip lock, wanting to drive all the doubts she might have from her mind. When breathing became a necessity for them both, he pulled back, his normally bright blue eyes dark and serious. “Don’t. Don’t you ever doubt yourself with me, Jules. Hell, Babe, I think one of the things I love most about you is that you don’t make it easy for me. You keep me honest and you keep me real. This between us is the real thing, no pretense or role-playing.”

She opened her mouth to protest but he silenced her this time with a single finger laid across her lips. “Yeah, I may have had other lovers in the past that wanted or needed more from me during sex than you do and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t just as pleasurable for me as it was them. But, Jules, I’m here in this bed with you not them. They are my past and you are my present and hopefully my future. I don’t think you’re frigid, Baby. If certain acts of lovemaking aren’t your thing and they make you uncomfortable or don’t give you pleasure, then I don’t have to have them. I wouldn’t get pleasure from knowing I was doing something you didn’t like. Do you enjoy making love to me as much as I love making love to you? Are you happy with the way things are between us?” Jules nodded mutely, not trusting herself to speak. Sam smiled. “Then I’m happy too. So no more worrying about it, okay?”

Again she nodded and pulled him down beside her again. This time, she initiated the kiss. For a few minutes it was once more the lighthearted snuggling that was usual between them after lovemaking until the drowsiness that always came over him after sex pulled him into a light sleep. Just as he was drifting off, he heard her speak faintly.

“I don’t deserve you.”

He pulled her tightly against him, his own reply muffled in her hair. “You’re right. You deserve much better but I’m not about to complain that you’re mine, Julianna Callaghan.”


	3. Chapter 3

_1992_

Jules lined up her shot, her pink bowling ball held steadily at face level, took two steps forward as her arm lowered behind her as she prepared to release it. She blocked out the teasing calls behind her trying to ruin her shot and slowly exhaled as she sent the ball spiraling down the alley toward the ten pins waiting on the other end. She smiled as it quickly became clear that the rolling projectile would make a perfect connection on the pins sending all ten of them scattering. 

She turned to face her uncle. “I do believe they call that a strike.” She then pointed toward the screen above their lane. “Do my eyes deceive me or does that scoreboard confirm the fact that I’m beating the pants off you?”

Johnny picked up his soda and took a long draw through the straw before setting it down again. Standing, he shook his head as he made his way to the ball return. As he passed Jules, he reached out and swatted her backside. “Nobody likes a sour winner, JAC. You should know that. Besides, this is all a part of my master plan to lull you into a false sense of security and then WHAM, unleash my magic.”

Jules laughed, all her earlier anxieties forgotten as her uncle had made it his mission to show her a good time. “Whatever. It’s your shot.”

Johnny also managed to get a strike and the look he shot her as he returned to his seat was pure smugness. “Told you. Watch out, Little Girl. I’m about to show you who’s king.”

The easy banter continued throughout the game. Jules took the game easily, beating her uncle by almost fifty points. He challenged her to a rematch which to he beat her by ten points. Before they started the tie-breaker game, Johnny gave Jules a ten to get them more sodas and some nachos at the concession stand. 

It took her a few minutes of waiting in line before it was her turn. She flashed a smile at the man behind the counter. Geoff Wilson had been a constable with her father until a bullet wound had ended his career early. He shook his head as he set two large drinks in front of her. “Julianna I’m surprised your father is letting you date at all, let alone someone so much older than you. I guarantee you if he were here and could see the way that clown is checking out your backside every time you take your turn, he‘d string him up by his toenails ”

Jules was confused until she realized he’d misread what was going on. She laughed and shook her head. “You mean Johnny? He’s not my date. He’s my uncle. Mom’s younger brother. There’s no way he’s been checking out my backside. If anything he’s trying to put some bad mojo on my mad bowling skills.”

Geoff glanced over Jules’s shoulder where sure enough Johnny was watching her every move almost as if he were staking a claim. It didn’t seem to him like he was acting like an uncle but a guy trying to get into a girl’s pants but it was possible like Jules had insisted that he’d misread the situation. “Alright then, here are your nachos. That’ll be five dollars.” 

She paid him and as she was trying to figure out how she was going to carry both drinks and the nachos back to the lane, Johnny was suddenly there to lend a hand. As they carried their snacks back, she laughingly told him about Geoff’s mistake. Once she finished she rolled her eyes. “Totally crazy, huh?”

“Totally.” Johnny agreed. “And he used to work with your dad? No wonder he’s no longer a constable. Old man’s off his game. Speaking of games, I think it’s about time I put you in your rightful place. Your ball.”

Ten frames later, the right to a smug look belong strictly to Jules as she once more beat her uncle, this time by thirty points. He shrugged off the defeat as they made their way to his car. “I let you win.”

Jules’s jaw dropped and she lightly slapped his arm. “You so didn’t let me win. I won fair and square because I’m the better bowler. Admit it UJ, admit that I beat you all on my own.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Not going to happen.”

As she got in the passenger side of the car, Jules folded her arms across her chest like she was angry but they both knew it was just for show. Most of the ride home was spent talking about the Callaghan brothers and what they were up too. As Johnny turned up the driveway he cast a serious glance over to his niece. “I didn’t press the issue earlier but I know Margaret hit you. What was up with that? I know she gets a mouth on her when she drinks but she’s usually not violent, is she?”

Jules shrugged. “Not usually but it has happened. Usually because I can’t keep my big mouth shut.”

He reached a hand over and rubbed the back of her neck soothingly. “Don’t do that, JAC. Don’t defend her. Tell me what happened and I’ll decide if she deserves defending.”

Jules looked out the window toward the house. “Dad brought home a kitten a couple of months ago. Someone had dumped a litter of kittens at the precinct and he claimed one for me. Put her in a little box and brought her home to surprise me. I even named her Boxer because of the way he presented her to me. There hasn’t been any problems with her in the whole two months she’s been here but suddenly today, Mom took a dislike to her. Kicked her out of the house. I don’t understand it and I certainly didn’t like it. I knew better but I mouthed off a little about it. It was just a slap. Hurt my feelings more than it caused real pain. What bothers me most is the idea that Boxer will have to spend the night outside; she’s never had to do that since I got her.”

Parking the car, Johnny pulled Jules closer in a one-armed hug. “That stinks JAC. And no, she doesn’t deserve your defense in this. Tell you what. I doubt even if she’s drunk she’ll cause a ruckus for me. Let’s find Boxer and bring her inside. I’ll hide her in my room until everything blows over. How does that sound?”

Jules brightened. “Are you sure? I didn’t even ask if you liked cats.”

Johnny shrugged. “Not my absolute favorite animal but I do like you and I hate to see you upset. I can live with keeping a cat in my room for a few days if it’ll put a smile back on that beautiful face.”

Jules threw her arms around her uncle and gave him a tight squeeze before kissing his cheek. “Thanks UJ. Boxer won’t be any trouble I promise you. You probably won’t even know she’s there.”

“I’m sure she won’t be.” He opened the door. “Let’s find your kitten.”

The plan seemed so simple but the kitten was no longer curled up by the door where she’d been when Jules had left earlier. She and Johnny circled the house a couple of times quietly calling the cat’s name but there was still no sign of the gray haired kitten. 

Jules shook her head. “I don’t understand. She wouldn’t run away, even if she didn’t like being outside. Where could she be?”

Johnny pulled her close to him once more. “I’m sure she’s fine, JAC. Cats are pretty resilient creatures. Maybe she found a warm, safe spot to curl up in and go to sleep. Come morning I bet she’ll be right back on the front porch begging to get in. Or maybe your mom had a change of heart and let her back in. If she hasn’t shown up by morning, I’ll help turn the property upside down looking for her. Okay?”

Jules nodded, not really having much choice in the matter. It was too dark to really search for her anyway. She led the way up the front porch and opened the front door. The house was quiet and Jules wondered if that meant her mother was passed out in her own bedroom upstairs. To her disappointment, Boxer didn’t rush up to greet her as she entered the house and there was no other sign that the cat had been back inside. 

Knowing she was still upset, Johnny drew her close to his side and planted a light kiss on the tip of her nose. “She’ll be fine JAC. They got nine lives don’t they?”

She nodded once more, this time a little more glumly. She knew he was right. Her father had told her that Boxer’s mother was probably more of a wild cat than domesticated so surely that meant the small kitten had inherited some of her mother’s natural survival instincts. “I’m going to turn in. You coming up now?”

Johnny shook his head. “I think I’m going to watch a little boob tube before I head up. Sleep well; I promise things will look better in the morning.”

Almost wearily, Jules made her way upstairs. Part of her wanted to run into her mother so she could find out if she’d seen Boxer during the evening but part of her really did hope her mother was sound asleep already. Once in her bedroom, she stepped out of her clothes and went to her bathroom. It was probably one of her favorite of the renovations her father had completed. He had decided it was one thing to ask four boys to share one upstairs bathroom but that his little girl needed her own space that she didn’t have to share. 

The shower felt good; the hot water working its magic on her tense muscles. Trying to be considerate of anyone else wanting a hot shower with the small tank the family shared, Jules ended her shower before she was really ready. She toweled off and changed into her softies shorts and a tank top to sleep in. Stepping back into the bedroom, she was surprised to see her mother sitting on her bed, looking angry.

“Have fun?” Even her mother’s tone was bitter. 

Jules nodded, wondering if the conversation was about to pick up where they had left it before she left to go bowling with Johnny. “Sure, UJ’s always fun to be around.”

“Did you tell him what you did? Did the two of you have a laugh at my expense?”

Not sure what her mother was talking about and not really want to get closer in case her mother decided to re-enact the slap from earlier, Jules chose to sit in the chair at her desk rather than get near her bed. “What do you mean? What did I do? Why would we laugh at you?”

Her mother snorted derisively. “It’s not nice to take things that don’t belong to you. You know that don’t you, Julianna? Not nice at all. What did you do with them?”

Her mother really had completely lost it, Jules decided. “Mom, I didn’t take anything. What are you talking about?”

Her mother rose from the bed and before Jules knew what was happening, her mother slapped her once again. “Don’t play innocent with me, you little brat. I know it was you. It had to be you. You took them and you’d better not have gotten rid of them if you know what’s good for you.”

Jules brought a shaky hand up to cup her stinging cheek. This slap had hurt much more than the one earlier had. Whatever her mother was missing it must have been important. “I promise I didn’t take anything. Tell me what’s missing and I’ll help you look for it. You don’t have to get upset about it.”

Margaret’s hand snapped back out and Jules flinched. But this time her mother grabbed hold of Jules’s ponytail and gave it a quick yank. Jules’s head bent backward with the pull as her mother put her face right close to her own. Jules could smell the alcohol on the older woman’s breath. “I had three bottles in the kitchen cabinet and now they are gone. I know you took them and I want them back right now.”

Jules knew the bottles she was talking about having discovered them earlier that afternoon as she was putting away dishes. She’d even had her hand on one of them while contemplating pouring it out into the sink just so her mother would have to go without. But in the end, she’d put the bottle back untouched not wanting to cause friction with her mother if she could help it. “I didn’t. Mom, I promise you.”

“You…lying…little….brat.” Each word was punctuated with a painful pull on Jules’s ponytail and the teenager wondered if it was possible for her mother to pull her bald headed. “Fine, you don’t want to be honest, then you’ll suffer the consequences. You took what was important to me and I took what was important to you.”

Tears filled Jules’s eyes. What could her mother have taken and how could she convince her that she was innocent of what she was being accused of. “Mom, please, this isn’t like you. Let go of me and we can talk this out. What do you mean, you took…” her voice trailed off as she realized all of a sudden why she hadn’t been able to find her kitten earlier. “Boxer. What did you do to Boxer?”

“I put the filthy little beast someplace you won’t find her. Just like you did with my bottles. You give me back my bottles and I’ll let you have your cat back. Don’t and I’ll make sure you never see the beast again.”

A sob threatened to choke Jules at the fear of what the innocent little kitten might be going through. “Please Mom, you can’t do this. I didn’t take your damn bottles. Give me Boxer back.”

This time she barely felt the slap although she was reasonably sure this one would leave a bruise. Margaret shook her head. “You will not curse at me, you ungrateful little bitch. If I don’t have my bottles back by tomorrow afternoon, your cat is gone forever. You think about that tonight.”

Releasing her grip on her daughter’s hair, Margret turned on her heel and stormed out of the bedroom. As soon as she was sure she was alone, Jules threw herself on her bed and began to sob. She didn’t know what had happened to the alcohol her mother had accused her of taking. Was it possible that her mother had moved them herself and forgotten what she’d done due to the alcohol clouding her brain? It didn’t really matter what happened to them, the outcome was still the same. If she couldn’t replace them by tomorrow, Boxer would be gone. She was pretty sure her mother hadn’t just making an idle threat. 

Jules wanted to give in fully to the sobs that were still building in the pit of her stomach but the practical side of her knew crying wouldn’t solve anything. Sitting up she wiped her eyes with the back of her arm. Perhaps she could search the whole house and either find the cat, the alcohol, or both. She swore to herself that if she could be lucky enough to find both, she’d re-hide Boxer someplace safe and then almost gleefully pour out every single drop of the Jack Daniels her mother was so desperate for. 

With a plan in mind, she stood. She wasn’t sure the best place to start looking but she’d scour every inch of the house and property if she had to. Even if it meant she stayed up all night doing so. 

There was a slight knock on her door and then it opened. She braced herself for another verbal and possibly physical assault but was relieved to see that it was only Johnny. He took one look at her red swollen face and stepped into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. He held his arms out and she eagerly collapsed into his embrace, the tears flowing once more. 

He simply held her as she cried, once again rubbing circles in her back. Then when the emotional onslaught slacked slightly, he leaned back to look at her. “I heard her yelling from downstairs. What happened?”

It was hard for Jules to catch her breath enough to haltingly tell the story. Just the retelling was enough to cause the sobs to threaten to overwhelm her all over again. After telling about her mother’s threat to give Boxer away if she didn’t produce the missing alcohol, she added pitifully. “I promise you UJ, I saw the bottles in the cabinet before you arrived and I did think about pouring it out so she couldn’t drink them but I didn’t. I put it back where I found it. I don’t know what happened to them but I can’t let her give Boxer away.”

Once again Johnny pulled her close and with his head resting on the top of her head, she wasn’t able to see a slight smile fighting to emerge on his face. He managed to suppress it before he released her. He cupped the sides of her face in his hands and gently brushed away the tears with the pads of his thumb. “Shh, JAC. I know you wouldn’t do that. I bet you anything your mom hid them herself so neither one of us would know how much she’s drinking; plus it gives her a chance to hurt you by getting rid of your kitten. But how they disappeared doesn’t change the fact that you’re going to have to do something if you want to save Boxer.”

“Save? But she said she was going to give her away. Besides, what can I do? I don’t know where her stash of liquor is and it’s not like I can go out and buy her more to replace them. Nobody would sell it to me and they’d tell my dad that I was trying to buy.”

“She’s not going to give Boxer away, JAC.” If Johnny’s words were meant to reassure her, his next words sent her heart hammering in her chest. “She can’t. She can’t take the chance of your dad finding out about it or the cat finding its way home again. If she gets rid of her, it’ll be permanently. She’ll put Boxer in a bag and toss her off a bridge or feed her some poison or find someone to kill the cat and dispose of the body so no one finds it. You don’t want that to happen do you?”

Jules paled at the thought of her cat dying because of her mother’s addiction. She shook her head. She wanted to say her mother wasn‘t capable of something so heinous but then her mother‘s words came to her. She hadn‘t told Jules that she‘d give the cat away if she didn‘t give back the bottles. She‘d promised the cat would be gone forever. Her lower lip trembled with the realization. “I can’t let her kill Boxer. I just can’t but what can I do? Like I said, I can’t buy her more. If I could, I would. There‘s nothing I wouldn‘t do for Boxer.”

“I know you would do anything to save Boxer, JAC. Relax. You do what I tell you and I’m going to make sure you get your kitten back. Don’t worry, UJ’s going to take care of everything.” With that promise, he lowered his head until his lips met hers in what was first just a brushing kiss but then deepened into more.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

_Present Day_

Kevlar was a wonderful creation. The idea that the not-that-thick material could stop most projectiles from fully penetrating every layer and making its deadly mark in the wearer’s chest was nothing short of a scientific miracle. Jules wasn’t sure if the person who had created Kevlar had ever won the Nobel prize for his or her creation but was positive the prize was well deserved. There was just one problem as far as Jules could see. Though the Kevlar vest could save the wearer’s life, it did little to protect against the bruising force that still came from a high velocity bullet ripping through material before crashing to a halt millimeters from your chest. 

“Jules? Are you okay? Talk to me, Sweetheart.” 

Talk? Hell, she wasn’t sure she could even breathe, Jules thought painfully from where she’d fallen after the negotiations had gone horribly wrong. Any call to a school had the potential for being a worst nightmare but at least this call had come in at the end of the day once school had been let out. They had arrived at the classroom to see that a single male student was holding his young female teacher at gunpoint. Greg Parker had started out as lead negotiator with Jules backing him up. But the boy had refused to connect with Greg and the SRU sergeant had had no choice but to turn over negotiations to Jules. 

Jules had felt her heart constrict as she slowly pried the story from the teenaged boy. His illicit love affair with the first year teacher had been discovered and instead of being the big man on campus he’d thought he’d be for scoring with the teacher, he’d become the laughing stock of the school. Humiliated by the accusations of his classmates and family members and hearing that she’d been fired from her position at the school effective immediately, he’d shown up after school ready to end both of their suffering. If the world couldn’t understand their love for each other then it would be better if they left the word together. 

His teacher-turned-lover didn’t seem to be trying to talk him out of his plan and instead if anything seemed to be encouraging him to follow through quickly. It didn’t really surprise Jules; the educator had betrayed a trust and overstepped her bounds as a professional. Losing this teaching position was just the tip of her problems; she would undoubtedly forever lose her teaching credentials and face jail time for her actions. She would forever be listed as a sex offender. Her life as she knew it was over but if she cared for the young man before her, shouldn’t she want his life to continue? Jules gently tried to point that out to the young man and for a moment his gun hand wavered. Then he shook his head, insisting that it was true love and that no one was going to keep them apart.

Jules had wanted the young man in front of her to realize that he’d been a victim. Someone he should have been able to trust had violated him and made him feel like it was his choice. She looked him in the eye and knew the argument would fall on deaf ears. The teacher had him totally convinced that what they had between them was real and right. Outside of convincing him not to kill himself, would insisting on the truth be better for him than his delusion? But she knew, as painful as the truth was, he had to realize he’d been taken advantage of but that it wasn’t his fault. 

She wasn’t even sure exactly what it was she said that seemed to sink in to him but he had slowly lowered the gun. It might have ended right then but the teacher, realizing she was about to have to pay for her crimes warned the boy that if he surrendered his gun the two of them would never be able to be together again. Once more the gun wavered. Suddenly things unexpectedly went south. Ed started to shout a warning in her comlink but before he could finish, two shots rang out.

The recoil of the bullet piercing through the top layers of her vest knocked Jules off her feet and sent careening into the wall behind her. She slumped down, her ears ringing, her chest burning for air and what seemed like a thousand voices screaming her name both in the room and through her comlink. 

And every since, all she’d been able to do was sit there and try to encourage her lungs to suck in the air her body desperately wanted. Dimly she heard Greg call for medics and she managed to shake her head. She didn’t want the fuss. She’d have a bruise from hell, but she didn’t need paramedic assistance, at least she wouldn’t once her body agreed to cease and desist the mutiny it’d decided to wage against her.

Suddenly Sam’s handsome face filled her field of vision, his eyes reflecting the fear they’d probably all felt from the moment the shot was fired. “Jules? Babe? I know it hurts like hell. Relax and your breathing will even out.” 

The calm in spite of his frantic worry helped and she soon found she could breath again. Being able to breath helped her to be able to talk enough so that when Steve and his paramedic partner pushed Sam to one side so they could examine Jules, she could protest. “I’m okay. Wind knocked out of me.”

Steve unfastened the vest to get a good look. There was no blood staining the material to suggest the vest has failed to protect her from being shot but he couldn’t take chances. “I’m sure you are, but let me earn my pay and make it official, okay?”

Resisting her ex-boyfriend‘s effects to examine her, Jules looked past him to where Sam was still standing. “I didn’t expect him to shoot at me. Did Ed have to Scoprio?”

Sam glanced back to the other side of the classroom where other officers were handling the situation. “The kid didn’t shoot you, Jules. The teacher did. Ed noticed her gun just before she shot and fired as well. She’s dead, but the kid dropped his gun as soon as the shots were fired. He’s okay. Now, let Steve check you out.” 

She nodded dumbly and this time didn’t fight as Steve pushed the material aside. A moment later, Jules heard Sam’s sudden sharp intake of breath and glanced at him. He’d paled considerable and she knew he’d seen something to upset him. She couldn’t figure out what; she’d been shot before and the soreness she was currently feeling didn’t hold a candle to that intense fiery pain. That must mean he was seeing what could have been instead of what had really happened. 

“Where’d she hit me?” Her whole chest felt like an elephant had stepped on it so she couldn’t pinpoint where the bullet had actually made contact. 

Sam looked like he wanted to shove Steve away and squeeze her close, that or toss his cookies on the classroom floor. Jules wasn’t sure which would win out. “Sam? Sarge? Steve? Where?”

“If the vest hadn’t stopped its trajectory, it would have hit you in the heart.”

“Oh.” That would have been a sucky way to end the day, Jules couldn’t help but think and giggled slightly at the sheer stupidity of the understatement. Steve frowned at her.

“I think we should get you to the hospital to be checked out. Hold still and we’ll move you to the gurney.”

She shook her head. The last thing she wanted was to be carried out of the school on a stretcher. “I can walk. I’m not hurt. Vest saved me.” Again she couldn’t help but hope that the creator of Kevlar had received more than just a pat on the back for his creation. Perhaps she should Google the information so she could send him or his family a thank you card. 

Greg knelt beside her, his expression grim. “You know protocol says you have to get checked out, Jules. You might not have been shot but it still packs quite a wallop.”

“I will, just let me walk out on my own power. Please, Sarge. I won’t fight going to the ER but I don’t want to go out on a stretcher. Please don’t make me.”

Greg eyed her carefully and then looked back at Steve. “Let her try.”

Both the paramedic and Greg helped her to her feet. She wobbled slightly and Sam was instantly at her side to help her. Jules was sure he’d been looking for an excuse to have his hands on her ever since the shots ran out. Normally they were very careful to keep their relationship out of their work even though everyone knew they were together. At the moment though, she was sure no one would begrudge them the contact. 

Her body was trembling from the left over adrenaline as they made their way to the door. Jules couldn’t help but look over to where the body of the teacher was still lying on the floor where she’d fallen after Ed had shot her. Jules was sure that the sniper had already been taken to the station for the mandatory questioning after a shooting. She hoped someone had assured him that she was okay before he’d been led away; she wouldn’t want him worrying about her during the questioning. 

She stopped when she realized the boy was still sitting on the floor near where the teacher was lying. His expression was vacant as if he couldn’t believe everything that had happened. Raf was kneeling next to him trying to talk to him but it didn’t look like he was getting through. Sam nudged her forward but she shook her head. She looked up at Sam, her eyes pleading for understanding. 

“Give me a minute.”

Sam shook his head. “You promised you’d get checked out…”

“I will.” Jules promised once more. “I was close to getting him to see reason. I need to make sure he’s okay. Please.”

He nodded and released his hold on her waist. She took a couple of steps toward the boy and used Raf’s shoulder to lower herself down to his level. Quietly she asked Raf for a moment alone and though it was obviously against his better judgment, he acquiesced. Jules made sure her comlink was turned off before reaching out and touching the teenager’s shoulder. He looked at her, unshed tears filling his eyes.

“You’re okay?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah. What about you? You gonna be okay?”

He shrugged, his eyes traveling back to where the body of his lover lay. “She’s dead. I can’t believe she’s gone. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

Jules shook her head. “No, it’s not. She made her own choices and you aren’t responsible for anything that happened after she decided to pull her own weapon.”

“She loved me.” There was just a hint of doubt in his voice that made Jules wonder if he was trying to convince her or himself. 

“Maybe. But if she loved you like she really should have, she wouldn’t have put you in this position in the first place. I think she probably loved the control your relationship gave her most of all. I do believe you loved her. I think you trusted her and when the truth came out and everyone started to tell you it was wrong, it scared you because it conflicted with everything she’d told you. If you could be hurt by someone you loved and trusted, then who else could hurt you? It’s a scary place to be and I totally get why you feel so confused right now. However, suicide isn‘t the answer.”

He swiped at his eyes as if embarrassed to be caught crying. “My life is ruined now. My friends think I’m a joke. My parents are disappointed and the one person I thought knew me better than I knew myself is dead. What do I do now?”

Jules could feel many pairs of eyes on her and knew her teammates were anxious for her to be checked out. She ignored them, however, in favor of reaching out to the person who needed her more. “You realize that as bad as things may seem, your life isn’t ruined unless you choose to let it be. I won’t lie to you; it won’t be easy. Regardless of how she felt or what she called it, she crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. She knew better but she did it anyway. Realize that, even if you don’t want to see it that way, you are the victim here. You’ve got to figure out a way to trust yourself again before you can ever start to trust anyone else. Your parents might be disappointed but I’m sure they love you and they want to help you through this.”

He chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes never leaving the body of the teacher. “She told me that she was attracted to me because I was more mature than my classmates. She said our relationship, our love made me an adult. If this is what being an adult feels like, I think I’d rather remain a kid. Adulthood sucks.” With that, he broke down into the tears he’d been trying to hold back. After all he’d been through, Jules didn’t think it was right to hug him even in an attempt to comfort him so she settled for ruffling his hair instead, must like she’d seen her father do for her brothers when they were little and upset. 

His words were so pain filled, but Jules didn’t necessarily disagree with him. “Then be okay being a kid for a little longer. Being an adult isn’t always easy but it’s not usually this hard either. Don’t be afraid to be an adult when the time comes but you don’t have to rush into it.”

After a few minutes, he managed to get his tears once more under control. He looked at her, for a moment his eyes looking much younger than his teenaged years. “I’m sorry you got shot.”

“Don’t worry about it. My friend Raf is going to come back now. He’ll stay with you until you get to the station. Your parents will be waiting there for you. I have to go now; my other friends are getting pretty antsy about me being checked out.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

She smiled at him. “You’re welcomed.”

She gave his shoulder a pat before rising unsteadily to her feet. Her chest was hurting worse but she knew that had more to do with the shock of what happened wearing off than any real injury. Before she could take three steps, Sam was once more by her side with a comforting and protective hand around her waist. 

Almost as if he could tell her mind was still on the young man, Sam pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head. Despite the possible look of impropriety, Jules didn‘t protest the affectionate gesture. Sam spoke as if hoping to reassure her. “Sarge says he thinks the kid’ll be released into his parents custody until there’s a hearing. Given the circumstances he probably won’t serve any time. Although I bet the judge insists on pretty intensive counseling.”

Jules leaned heavily against him, allowing him to take the bulk of her modest weight. She was sore and she was tired. As much as she’d protested being wheeled out, she wouldn’t mind sinking into a stretcher and closing her eyes. “He’s already served time. She took his innocence and trust away all in the name of love. It’s not fair.”

Sam glanced back to where Raf was once more kneeling by the shell-shocked young man. “I don’t get it. He’s just a kid. How can an adult take advantage of a kid like that and call it love?”

Inwardly, Jules shuddered but fortunately it didn‘t show outwardly. “I don’t know.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 1992 scene in this chapter is one of the MAJOR reasons for the M rating on this story. It’s mildly graphic and probably more than a little disturbing. If it bothers you, you can always skip down to the Present Day scene. You’ll be able to piece together what happened in later chapters even if you don’t read about it first hand.

_1992_

As soon as Johnny pulled back from the kiss, Jules took a step back, confused and more than a little repulsed to think she’d been kissed by her own uncle. She brought the tips of her fingers up to her lips as if their touch could wipe away the feel of his lips pressed against hers. She didn’t know what to say or how to react. A lot of her relatives were affectionate people, given to planting kisses on cheeks and other innocent places on the sides or top of the head but never on the lips and never in the less than uncle-y way he’d just kissed her. Her heart, which was already beating more quickly than it should, sped up even faster. She shook her head.

Johnny, on the other hand, appeared singularly at ease, as if nothing unusual had happened. He smiled at her. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” 

He leaned in to kiss her once more but Jules twisted her head, not allowing him easy access to her mouth. The hands on the side of her head tightened so that she couldn’t move. She was the daughter of a constable and had grown up following rough and tumble after four older brothers. There was no question in her mind that what was happening was completely wrong. Had this been a stranger plying unwanted attention to her, she wouldn’t have hesitated to put into practice every move she’d ever learned from her father and brothers, but this was her uncle and she felt a little more at a loss to know how to react. 

Johnny looked her straight in the eye. “Easy there, JAC. I thought you wanted to save that kitten of yours.”

“What do you mean?” Jules whispered. She didn’t know why she was whispering. She should be screaming at the top of her lungs to bring her mother on the run. But while deep inside her she knew she should be scared and that she should fight him, her heart kept reminding her that this was her beloved uncle whom she could trust. 

“Your mother is going to kill your kitten if she doesn’t get her booze back. You yourself said you can’t waltz into a liquor store and buy her more. You need me to help you. You want me to do that, right?” Jules nodded, still not understanding what any of this had to do with him kissing her. Johnny winked at her. “Quid pro quo, JAC. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Give and take. I know you know the concept. I’ll make sure you get Boxer back and you’ll give me something in exchange.”

“What?” How was it that she seemed to have lost the ability to think in the last few minutes, she couldn’t help but wonder. 

In answer, he placed a feather-light kiss on her cheek right where she was sure she was going to have a bruise from her mother’s earlier slap. He then pulled her flush against his body. All at once, Jules was only too aware of the fact that she was wearing only super short shorts and a tank top. She felt exposed, normally she only wore such skimpy attire in the privacy of her own room; she’d put on a robe to run down to the kitchen for a drink even if she were alone in the house. The fact that she was in what should be the privacy of her own bedroom didn’t matter at the moment. He chuckled, drawing her back to the moment. “Look at you. You’re looking at me like I’m the big bad wolf. No need to be scared. You know I’d never hurt you, don’t you?”

Despite her increasing unease, Jules couldn’t see him hurting her. Though her common sense told her all of this was incredibly wrong, she couldn’t bring herself to believe he would do anything criminal. He wasn’t the bad guy. She nodded reluctantly, and his grin widened. 

“See I knew you were a smart girl.” His fingers ran lightly down her back and slipped under the hem of her tank top. As he lightly caressed the bare skin on her back, Jules flinched much like she had earlier when her mother had slapped her. A new fat tear ran down her cheek and her lower lip trembled. Johnny shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t cry, JAC. It’s all okay. You don’t even have to do anything but enjoy the attention I want to give you. It’s a win-win for you. You’ll get your kitten returned to you AND enjoy the greatest night of pleasure you’ve ever had. At least I’ve never heard any complaints before.”

One of his hands edged lower, creeping between her shorts and buttocks holding her tightly against his body. The other hand came around to her front underneath her tank top so he could cup and squeeze one of her small breasts in his large meaty hand. A thumb flicked across the nipple and his eyes closed in lusty glee. 

Any doubts she’d been willing to give him the benefit of flew from her mind and she struggled against his grasp. She shook her head wildly. “UJ, please. This is wrong…”

“Shh.” Johnny brushed his lips once more against hers in an attempt to silence her. Then he rested his head on her forehead, breathing hard. “There’s nothing wrong with a man showing a beautiful woman a little pleasure. That’s all I’m asking you for, JAC. Nothing wrong with that at all. Right now at this very minute there’s probably a million different men and women ready to do exactly what I want to do with you. How can that be wrong?”

Did he seriously not understand what he was asking from her? How could he not see just how wrong it really was? The feel of his hands on her bare skin, touching her in places he shouldn't be touching, made her stomach twist and turn. “I’m not a woman, I’m just a kid. Besides, you are my uncle; you aren’t supposed to think about me that way or touch me this way. Please, UJ, I don’t want the memory of my first time to be about the night I was raped by my uncle.”

His eyes opened wide and he shook his head. “Rape? Such an ugly word. Is that what you think I’m talking about? God, no, JAC. I’m not some pervert who’s planning on deflowering a virgin’s innocence against her will. I’m not even talking about sex here. Touches and kisses, that’s all I’m asking you for. Not much considering I’m giving you the opportunity to save a life, is it?”

“Please, no.” Jules begged, almost unable to make the words work their way past the lump that had grown in her throat threatening to choke her. 

Johnny sighed and shook his head. “I’m disappointed in you Jules. In one breath you tell me you’d do anything to save Boxer and as soon as you are given a way, you balk. I thought you considered yourself Daddy’s little girl. He goes to work every shift he works prepared to sacrifice his life to save that of a stranger but you aren’t even willing to do the simplest thing to save a creature you claim to love. “

As he spoke, he was busy squeezing and kneading whatever flesh his hands were in contact with. Jules’s stomach churned with revulsion. She didn’t want anything bad to happen to Boxer but there was no way she could allow him to carry out whatever vile acts he was thinking of. She could only hope that in the light of a new day, her mother would have a lucid moment enough to rethink her actions. If not, Jules would just have to find a way to forgive herself for being even in a small way responsible for the feline’s death. Would anyone really blame her for not being willing to sacrifice her body in this manner? “I won’t do it. Let go of me or I’ll scream.”

He laughed. “Go ahead. Who’s going to hear you? My sister is probably passed out and there is no one else close enough to hear you.”

It was at that moment that Jules realized the full seriousness of her situation. This man who stood before her who should be such a comforting, reliable fixture in her life was now a complete stranger determined to do her harm. Though he seemed to be offering her a choice: her innocence for the life of her cat, she knew it wasn’t going to be that simple-- not that it was all that simple at that. She realized in that split second that she could tell him no, cat be damned she wasn’t going to be his victim and it wouldn’t change the outcome. He’s still take what he wanted and possibly hurt her in the process and THEN make sure Boxer met an untimely end. And if she was going to lose her innocence no matter what, the very least she could do is try to protect her cat in the process. 

Almost immediately he sensed the change in her and knew she’d surrendered to his wants. A wolfish grin filled his face as he walked her backward to the edge of her bed. A little push and she had no choice but to sit down heavily on the side. She didn’t complain though because the downward movement caused him to dislodge his hands from her breast and buttocks in the process. 

“Take your top off, JAC.” The soft tone of voice belied the intent behind the words. 

Her hands were shaking as she slowly lifted the hem of the garment up and over her head. She said a silent prayer that any minute now she’d either wake up from this nightmare or something would intervene on her behalf. Once she was naked from the waist up, Johnny let out a low whistle of appreciation. 

“Damn,” he drew out the word so it seemed like it was a multiple syllabic word. “Clothes don’t do you justice, JAC. Shame you have to cover up that beautiful body.” 

The respite from the touch of his hands was over as his fingers grazed her sides as they made their way to the hem of her shorts. With a fluid motion that he must have practiced a thousand times, her shorts were gone as well and she was lying flat on her back on the bed, her legs still dangling over the edge. His body was almost on top of her and the only positive thing Jules could find in the experience was that, at least for the moment, he was still fully clothed. 

His hands gripped her upper arms holding her in place as his mouth seemed to roam all over her torso before settling on her right breast. He alternated between licking, biting, and then sucking on as much of the flesh he could get his mouth around. His right hand left her arm and began to play with her left breast at the same time, kneading and pinching the flesh. 

Jules bit back the loud sobs that she wanted to cry at the humiliation and pain, but allowed the tears to run freely. She knew she was naïve when it came to sexual matters with no real experience but that didn’t mean she and her friends hadn’t talked about the subject at length. Some of her friends, especially the ones who were a year or two older, even made claims of some pretty wild experimentation with their boyfriends. The way those friends had described some of their make-out sessions made the experience seem exciting and wonderful, especially when they spoke of how their boyfriends have lavished attention to their breasts. But she couldn’t see anything pleasing or wonderful about what was currently happening to her. Some of his nips on her nipple really hurt, enough to make her want to cry out in protest. 

When she didn’t think she could take it another minute, his mouth released her breast with an audible pop. But he immediately switched the attention to the left one and she was forced to relive his slow torture there as well. As if what he was doing to her wasn’t bad enough, his grunts and moans of pleasures turned her stomach and made her want to throw up all over him. The weight of his lower body was pressed against hers and she could feel a growing bulge under his pants where his groin was flushed against her legs. She was pretty sure she knew what that meant and prayed he hadn’t been lying when he’d said earlier he didn’t plan to rape her. What she was already suffering at his hands were bad enough, she didn’t think she could mentally or physically handle anything more. 

In an attempt to protect her mind from what was happening, she tried to image she was anywhere else doing anything else. The detachment helped and she almost couldn’t feel the painful bites and pinches on her increasingly sensitive nipples. How long he continued to switch his attention from one breast to the other she wasn’t sure. Her mind detached enough that it was like she wasn’t even there. However, she was brought back to the present though when his body slid completely off hers. Thinking everything was over, she breathed a sigh of relief that turned immediately into a his of pain as his hands gripped her upper thighs and roughly pushed them as far apart as he could, exposing her most intimate parts for him to see. 

She didn’t have to look at his face to imagine the twisted, wolfish gleam of anticipation that would fill his features. She didn’t want to know what he was about to do now and wanted to return to the happy place in her mind she’d discovered earlier but found it was impossible as he began kissing the inside of her thighs, moving steadily higher. She didn’t even try to suppress the cry of surprise and protest as his fingers touched her inner folds, separating them enough so that his tongue could take a quick lick. Her body protested as well, bucking off the bed trying to get away. 

He didn’t say a word but his hands kept her in place as the attentions he’d earlier showed her breasts he now bestowed on her most private areas. Her pleas fell on deaf ears and her cries threatened to choke her as he seemed relentless in his pursuits. Regardless of the consequences she prayed that something or someone would intervene and stop this vile attack. Prayed that her mother would walk in, that her dad would have come home early and stopped in to surprise her, that lightning would suddenly strike her uncle dead, that aliens would suddenly beam him to their mother ship, anything that save her from his attention. But none of that happened and his continued his oral assault to her sensitive private region. 

When she thought her heart was beating so wildly that she’d surely have a heart attack and die, he pulled his head back and pulled her to a sitting position, kissing her mouth almost crushingly, his tongue pushing past her teeth to plunge into her mouth, sweeping from side to side. He was breathing just as hard as he crushed her to his chest. When he ended the kiss, he almost panted in her ear. 

“I’m sorry, JAC, I thought I could be satisfied with just showing you pleasure but I need more. I need you to touch me.”

Her stomach once more did flip flops and threatened to expel its contents. She didn’t want to touch him any more than she wanted him touching her. However, she was afraid not to follow his orders, afraid of what he might do to her if she refused. Her hand was shaking as she reached out to let her fingertips lightly brush against his shirt covered chest. 

“You’re not stupid, Little Girl. You know what I mean.” He reached down and swiftly pushed his pants to the ground and took her hands in his own guiding her down to his bulging manhood. As her fingers scraped against the engorged member, he hissed in pleasure. “That’s it. Grip it in your hands and gently squeeze it.”

This was just as humiliating to Jules as his earlier actions had been painful. She kept her eyes firmly shut, not wanting to see what she was being forced to do to him or the sick look of perverse pleasure on his face as she did so. For a moment he was satisfied with what her hands were doing to him but then he stopped her again. “Not enough. Get off the bed and kneel by the bed.”

Frightened by what he intended, Jules opened her eyes and stared at him blankly. She shook her head, not outright refusing but not knowing what it was he wanted her to do. His eyes were dark and seemed almost evil as one hand wrapped itself in her hair, giving it a hard tug. 

“I need my cock inside you. Now you can either get on the side of the bed and take me in your mouth or I can lay you back down and shove it inside you here.” So there was no mistaking where he meant, the hand that wasn’t gripping her hair traveled south and lightly caressed her private area. Her body instinctively jerked backward at his touch. He chuckled but it lacked any sign of humor. “The choice is yours. Decide quick or I’ll decide for you.”

At least a couple of her friends had once talked about giving their boyfriends blow jobs but the idea of it grossed Jules out. Why would you willing take the organ that a guy used for urinating into your mouth? It was repulsive. Her friends had laughed at her and told her she’d feel differently once she had a little more experience with boys under her belt. 

“Please, UJ, don’t make me do this.” She protested quietly, her voice almost inaudible from the crying she’d been doing. She’d hoped that by using her pet name for him, he’d remember that he was supposed to be her loving uncle not this cruel stranger he’d become. 

“If that’s the way you want it.” 

A smile of relief tugged at her mouth thinking he was finally listening to her. He might carry through with his threat to not prevent her mother from hurting the cat but she couldn’t think of that right now. But the relief was short lived as he pushed her back against the bed. With horror, she realized that he’d taken her protest to mean he should rape her. 

“NO! Please, UJ, don’t. I’ll do what you want.” 

He sat back up pulling her with him. He kissed her cheek and whispered a quick good girl before helping her down to the side of the bed. He switched his position so that he was sitting at the edge of the bed, he guided her head closer to his red throbbing member. She cast one more look up to his face, hoping to see some sign of the man she’d once cared for. 

“I don’t know what to do.” She admitted quietly. 

He smiled and gave the top of her head a little pat as if patronizing her. “That’s okay, I’ll talk you through it. It’ll be okay, and just think, when you finally realize that boys find you just as desirable as I do, you’ll know what to do to please them. Start out by licking it, like you would an ice cream cone. Don’t be scared.”

She did as he told her, scared of the consequences if she didn’t do exactly what he wanted. She felt sick, repulsed by what he was making her do. True to his word, he gave her careful instructions on exactly what he expected her to do and she had a ridiculous flashback to the first time he’d taken her bowling and had carefully walked her through each step on how to successfully get the ball down the lane and knock over the pins instead of the ball ending up in the gutter. She wished now that she’d listened to what Geoff Wilson had tried to tell her at the bowling alley just hours earlier. The older man had certainly seen Johnny for his true colors but she’d been too naïve to see it. 

The instruction phase came to a halt though as soon as she’d done as he requested and taken him in her mouth. Then his body took over and he was no longer interested in telling her what to do. His hips began thrusting driving himself deeper and deeper into her mouth. She began to gag every time his tip rammed further and further down the back of her throat. His hand was still entwined in her hair, forcing her head to stay in position. 

One particular thrust went dangerously deep, choking her and proving more than her gag reflex could handle. She hadn’t even been able to warn him before she threw up all over him. He cursed and pulled out of her mouth and pushed her away. Now that her stomach had started to unleash its contents as if it could also expel the taste and feel of him in the attempt, she couldn’t stop and continued to throw up all over her floor. 

He used the sheet on her bed to clean himself up as he glared at her. “You did that on purpose.”

She shook her head, unable to talk as she stayed on her hands and knees heaving. She couldn’t even pay attention as he stood and pulled his pants back up. If he wanted to do more to her, she was powerless -- even more powerless than she had been -- to do anything to stop him. But all he did was stride to the door and stop before unlocking and opening it. 

“You’ll regret that.”

She regretted everything about this whole evening but couldn’t tell him that as she struggled just to get her breath back. It took her a few minutes to realize she was alone in the room. Part of her screamed to throw clothes back on and get out before he came back for round two. But instead, she dragged herself into her bathroom, taking the time to lock the door as she did. Rationally she knew the flimsy lock wouldn’t keep anyone out who really wanted in but it still gave her more of a piece of mind. She pulled herself into the shower, not trusting her wobbly legs to hold her up if she tried to stand. She turned on the hot water and allowed the spray to cascade over her.

She grabbed the wash cloth she’d used with her earlier shower and began to scrub her body as if it could scrub the feel of his mouth and hands off her body. The hot water ran out after awhile but she remained under the pelting water as it turned colder. The only concession to the cold was to reach up and turn on the cold spray all the way and turn off the hot water tap so that the tank could fill up and get hot again. Though her shaking body was just shaking harder from the cold water, she didn’t want to crawl out of the shower. As long as the water was rushing over she could imagine that it was washing away any trace of him. If she stopped the water, she’d have to admit what he’d done to her and she couldn’t face that yet. 

She went through the process of allowing the hot water to heat up and then depleting it once again several times during the night. She couldn’t allow her exhausted body to give in to sleep. He could come back in and do who knows what else to her if she did. Several time during the switches from hot to cold shower, her stomach would once again revolt at the though of what she’d been forced to endure and threatened to upend itself once more. When it did, she allowed her vomit to wash down the drain and she’d just scrub all the harder. After awhile there was nothing left to throw up and all she could do was dry heave. 

By the time the sun started to peek in the tiny bathroom window, Jules was still shaking under the spray of water, shaking from a combination of fear, cold, exhaustion, and who knew what else. Her skin was red from the continual onslaught of hot water mixed with hard furious scrubbing on her part. But at last she shut off both faucets completely. It took her longer to pull herself out onto the cold floor and for her to grab the thick towel she’d discarded the night before. 

During the long night of showering, Jules had put together a plan of action. She couldn’t stay in the house, couldn’t take the chance that her mother wouldn’t be sympathetic or that her uncle wouldn’t do worse. She had to leave. She’d dress and slip out of the house, hopefully before anyone else was awake. She’d go to her friend Beth’s house. Beth would let her stay there, would listen to her if she decided to tell her exactly what had happened, and would help her figure out what her next steps should be. Beth only lived half a mile down the road; Jules had walked the distance many times over the course of their friendship. If today, her legs wouldn’t support her enough to walk or run that far, then she’d crawl it if she had to. Anything to get away from here.

Tentatively she pulled herself up to a standing position for the first time since what had happened in the bedroom. Her legs were indeed wobbly but supported her weight. She made her way to the bathroom door and unlocked the door. She didn’t open it immediately, listening instead for any hint of danger on the other side. It seemed quiet and she eased it open, prepared to dress fast and get the hell out of the house before anything else could happen. 

She stifled a scream at the sight of what awaited her as she emerged from the bedroom.

\--FP -- FP -- FP -- 

_Present Day_

The doorbell woke Jules from the uneasy slumber she’d been attempted to get. After the hot call at the school had gone bad and her Kevlar had stopped the bullet that would have killed her, the men in her life-- her teammates and Steve -- had insisted on a trip to the ER to rule out any broken ribs or internal bleeding from failed shooting attempt. She hadn’t protested; she’d known it would have been a lost battle from the start. After the doctor had determined that she’d probably be supporting a nasty bruise for a couple of weeks but nothing worse, Sam had been allowed to take her home. He’d been caring and gentle but hadn’t smothered her with attention that she wouldn’t have liked. Once at home, he’d followed her upstairs to the bedroom, where they’d been content to just relax in each others arms until sleep had overtaken Jules. Glancing over, she saw she was now alone in the bed and figured Sam had gone downstairs to give her a chance to sleep peacefully. 

She rolled out of bed, wincing a little at the pain in her chest at the movement. The doorbell probably meant that the team had arrived in full force to check on her. She frowned at he scrub top she’d been given at the ER. Her uniform that she’d been wearing had been sacrificed to the medical personnel trying to make sure she was okay. She didn’t mourn the loss of the shirt, it wouldn’t be the first she’d lost to the job and wouldn’t be the last, another would be issued to her when she returned to work. But she didn’t like the scrub top that had taken its place. She pushed it up over her head and was about to grab a t-shirt to replace it when she caught sight of herself in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. 

The bruising had already started. It was ugly and dark and promised to get uglier before it got better. Her fingers lightly traced the edges of the bruise as it hit her once again how differently the whole situation could have ended. She was so focused on the mark on her body that she didn’t hear the bedroom door open and Sam enter. She did see his reflection in the mirror moments before he wrapped her in his arms and turned her toward him. 

“I’d rather see a bruise that blood any day.” He commented, which more or less echoed where her thoughts had been going. She nodded. 

“Not too pretty to look at though.”

“You’re beautiful even if you’re bruised to hell and back.” Sam assured her. As if to punctuate that point, he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss over the gentle swell of her left breast where the center of the bruise lay. She tensed immediately and he pulled back, afraid that he’d hurt her. “Sorry. We’ve got visitors downstairs. You up for it?”

She nodded, and placed a kiss on his lips in an attempt to make up for her tensing up. “Hand me that shirt, will you? I guess the team wanted to make sure for themselves that I’m really okay, huh?”

Sam grabbed the shirt she’d requested and even helped her slip it over her head and shoulders. He as excited about the surprise that waited downstairs but was still just a little nervous that it would go over the way he’d intended. “Not exactly. It’s Wordy and Lilly.”

Jules gave him a surprised look. Every since Wordy had been forced to give up his position on Team One due to his Parkinson’s diagnosis, she hadn’t seen much of him. He still stopped by to visit every once in awhile and came to have drinks with them from time to time when their schedules allowed it. But things hadn’t been the same since he left so she hadn’t been prepared for him to come by and check on him. She wasn’t going to complain; she loved Wordy and all of his family, especially his little girls.

She followed Sam down the stairs and saw her former teammate and his daughter sitting on the couch, a large cardboard box sitting on the coffee table. When the little girl saw them coming down the stairs she started to rush over to enthusiastically greet the female SRU officer. However, Wordy caught her up in his arms before she could make it two feet. 

“Miss Jules was hurt at work today, remember? Be gentle.”

Lilly rolled her eyes as if to say she didn’t need to be reminded and Wordy chuckled as he released her. The little girl met Jules at the base of the stairs and threw her arms around her. “Miss Jules. I’ve missed you so much. When are you going to babysit again?”

Jules smiled, gently running her fingers through Lilly’s dark long hair. “I don’t know, Munchkin, convince Mommy and Daddy they need a date and we’ll see.”

The answer seemed to appease the little girl who took Jules by the hand and started to lead her into the living room, where Wordy and the cardboard box were waiting. “Come see what we brought.”

Jules allowed herself to be led into the room, stopping at the couch where Wordy gave her a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Sorry we dropped by like this. I heard about the call. Glad you are okay. I tried to tell Sam that it would be better if we waited until another day but he thought you could use a surprise after what happened. Lilly’s been excited since I first told her and she didn’t want to wait either.”

Jules looked confused and glanced back at Sam for an explanation. He just gave her a mysterious, innocent smile. She turned back to Wordy. “What surprise?”

Then she heard the soft sounds coming from the box on the table. The little mewls of protest cut her deeply and hurt worse than the force of the bullet stopping just before piercing her skin had earlier. A glance in the box confirmed her fears. Four kittens, barely old enough to leave their mother were crawling over each other trying to escape the box. 

“Queenie had kittens six weeks ago.” Wordy explained. Queenie was the cat the Wordsworth family had rescued about three years ago from the pound just hours before the shelter would have put her down. The pet had quickly became another valued and loved member of the family. “Her first litter. Only four but we told the girls we couldn’t keep them. They were devastated, especially Lilly, but when Sam told her he wanted to give you one of the kittens, she was okay with that idea. Said she knew you would take extra special care of the kitten and would love it as much as she did. Sam was going to bring you by the house to pick out the one you wanted but after what happened today, I figured it be easier to just bring them all here.”

“Come look at them, Miss Jules.” Lilly insisted. 

Jules glanced back at Sam, not believing he’d done this. She wanted to shake her head and protest that she didn’t want the gift. But doing so would mean having to explain what had happened all those years ago and she wasn’t ready to do that, not even with Sam. She knew he’d had the best intentions behind his gift and wanted to love him for it but it was hard considering her heart was thudding heavily. Instead, she allowed Lilly to lead her to the couch. 

Three of the four kittens were a smoky gray and reminded her of a similar kitten she’d once loved. Apparently their father had been a gray tabby because Queenie was a calico. The fourth kitten more resembled it’s mother, not quite a calico but a lighter gray with patches of brown and black in various spots along its body. Lilly picked it up first. “You can pick whichever once you want but this one is my favorite. It’s a little boy and we’ve been calling him Patches. He’s very friendly and adventurous. Just like you.”

Jules took the kitten in her hands and cradle it protectively close to her body. It meowed slightly and tried to climb up her arm to investigate. Her chuckle was a little strained; it felt so right and yet so wrong at the same time. She’d sworn after Boxer that she’d never allow herself to become attached to another animal but this little bit of fur had the potential of stealing her heart as quickly as Boxer had twenty years earlier. 

“I think he likes you.” Lilly announced excitedly. Jules smiled at her, trying not to tear up. 

“I think you’re right. Would you really want me to have your favorite?” Jules asked. If she was going to do this, Patches could be the only one she chose; the idea of even looking at the gray kittens was too painful. 

Wordy’s daughter nodded seriously. “I’d especially like it if you took him. That way I could still see him every now and then and I’d know he was okay. You like him?”

Jules wanted to hand the kitten back to the little girl and vehemently protest even the smallest degree of like but she couldn’t. The soft fur already felt familiar against her arm. She forced a smile for Lilly’s sake. “I think I do. I’m glad you trust me to give Patches a good home.”

Wordy gave Jules’s shoulder a slight squeeze. “Okay, well, if Patches is your pick that’s great. I’m sure you want to get some rest; I know how painful those bruises can be . Lilly and I’ll take the rest of the litter back home to Queenie. He nodded toward a small bag Jules hadn’t noticed peeking out from under the coffee table. “There’s some of the kitty chow we’ve been feeding them since they started weaning. I know Sam told me he’d already picked up the essentials so you can just mix it in with the food he bought to get Patches used to it.” He gave Jules another hug and kiss and picked up the box. Sam followed the former SRU officer and his little girl to the door and said his goodbyes before joining Jules on the couch. He reached over and affectionately gave the kitten a good scratch behind the ears. Jules looked at him.

“Why did you do this?”

Sam shrugged. “Every since the Harper call I’ve been thinking about it. I remember you telling Samantha about losing a pet and I could see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I don’t know how long it’s been but I could tell it was still bothering you. Made me think of all the years I waned and begged for a pet to call my own. The General didn’t think animals were appropriate for a military trained house so he would never let us have one. Living in an apartment didn’t make getting one easy once I got out on my own. Now that I’m here with you most days it seemed like the right time to restore what you lost and what I never had. I thought about getting a dog but figured a cat would be a little more independent and easier to care for with our busy schedules. You aren’t mad are you? I know I should have talked to you about it first but somehow it seemed better to surprise you.”

She sighed. She could have been happy going to the rest of her life without ever having another pet but what could she do now? She was pretty sure if she put up a real fuss, Sam would figure out alternate accommodations for the kitten but how would she ever explain it to Lilly the next time she asked how Patches was doing? Like it or not, Patches was now hers. She only hoped her heart could handle it.


	5. Chapter 5

_1992_

Had there been anything left in Jules’s stomach, she would have thrown up again at the sight that awaited her as she stepped back into her bedroom. As it was, her stomach twisted painfully into the dry heaves she’d been reduced to in the shower. She leaned against the wall that separated the bedroom from the bathroom and wondered how her legs were sturdy enough to support her. She would have thought her tear ducts were as dry as her stomach but more tears spilled down her cheeks.

**Told you you’d regret it!**

The red dripping words spelled out on her headboard left her no doubt as to whose handiwork she was looking at and sickened her at the same time. She hadn’t fought back as hard as she could have when her uncle had forced his sick ideas of pleasure on her for two reasons. One, she’d been afraid of how much worse he would have hurt her if she’d tried and two, in a last ditch effort to garner his help in saving her kitten from her mother’s threats. Because she’d been unsuccessful in giving Johnny what he’d wanted, he’d made sure to show her how serious he was in the cruelest way possible. 

Lying on her pillow at the head of the bed she’d just been forced to play out her uncle’s humiliating sick fantasy was her kitten. There was not a chance of pretending that small ball of feline fur had been returned to her owner as a reward for doing what she was told. The blood drenched pillow case told the horrible death the kitten had suffered before its blood had been used to scrawl a message on the headboard. 

Her mother couldn’t have been responsible for such a cruel act, not even if she’d spent all night drinking herself into a blind stupor. She just wasn’t capable of such violence. Before his actions during the night, she wouldn’t have believed that Johnny would have been capable either but she was sure he was behind both the violent death and it’s shocking display on her bed. 

“I’m sorry, Boxer.” Jules whispered. A part of her wanted to gathered the small creature in her arms, to offer some of the comfort the kitten had been denied in her violent death. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Though Jules knew she herself had been just as helpless a victim in all of this as Boxer had been, she couldn’t help but feel more than a little guilty of the role she’d played in getting the creature who’d offered her nothing but love killed. 

The shaking in her body increased dramatically and Jules knew she had to get out of there. She quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a thick sweatshirt that she shouldn’t have needed for a few more months at least. She grabbed her socks and shoes but didn’t bother to put them on there. Without another look back, she left her bedroom and everything it currently held -- the bloody remains of her feline friend, the vomit that had ultimately brought an end to the attack the night before, and hopefully the memory of all that happened -- behind.

The house was quiet for which Jules was immensely grateful. She didn’t think she could handle running into her mother just then and just the idea of seeing Johnny again was enough to make her heart skip a few beats. The clock in the living room was just chiming the hour of six when she passed through on her way out the front door. She was pretty sure it had been close to midnight when Johnny had first come into her room. Six hours, how much of that time had been spent with her enduring Johnny’s vile expressions of what he called love and pleasure and how much of it had she spent under the shower trying to wash it all away?

Letting herself out of the house, she sat on the front porch long enough to don her socks and shoes. Just yesterday she’d looked at the modest home with pride and love but now it just felt like a scary foreign place to her. She had to get away. Six in the morning was way too early to arrive on anyone’s doorstep unannounced but she knew Beth’s mom would be awake and wouldn’t mind. 

Years ago, when the girls first became friends they had established each other’s house as their sanctuary, their oasis in a storm. Many times Beth had shown up at Jules’s door upset after a fight with her mom, sometimes because she’d been attempting to get her mother to quit smoking in her usual dramatic cigarette destroying way. Then later, it would be to escape the fights she hadn’t wanted to hear between her parents before they’d decided to end their marriage or fights she‘d had with her mother over the impending divorce. So far, Jules had never needed to retreat to her safe place. Today would be a first.

Later, Jules couldn’t had described how she’d managed to walk the distance to Beth’s house. It seemed to her like she started down her driveway one second and the next was at the kitchen door knocking lightly. She felt numb, worn out, and not apart of herself at all. The kitchen light was on and Jules knew from experience that at the very least Mrs. Connors would be there, either fixing breakfast or reading the paper with a steaming mug of coffee. Sure enough, the door opened less than a minute after her tentative knock. 

“Jules?” Barbara Connors took one look at the younger girl and drew her into the house and into her arms. As the familiar, safe arms encircled her body, Jules felt safe for the first time since the whole nightmare began. This was her second mother and she would protect her even if her own mother couldn’t. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Your skin is like ice. Come in and warm up.” 

Barbara walked her completely through the kitchen without stopping and led her to the living room where she sat down with her on the couch. She grabbed a throw blanket that rested decoratively on the top and back of the sofa and wrapped it around the younger girl’s shaking body. For a moment, nothing was said even though a thousand different questions had to be racing through the older woman’s mind. 

Finally Jules broke the silence. “I know Beth’s probably still asleep but I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Beth spent the night at her father’s apartment. She won’t be back until tomorrow. But if you needed a place to go to, you came to the right place, no matter what the time. Sweetheart, do you want to tell me what happened? I’ve never seen you so upset. Has something happened to one of your parents or to your brothers?”

Jules shook her head. She knew she should tell Barbara exactly what happened. Knew that Barbara would know exactly what to do to fix everything but the words wouldn’t come out of her mouth. Voicing what happened would be too much like reliving it and Jules didn’t think she could handle that or the shame that would go along with admitting that she had just let him do those things to her even if she didn’t think she had a choice in the matter. “Do I have to talk about it?”

Barbara hugged her tightly. She’d noticed the start of a bruise forming on Jules’s face, the color standing out on the girl’s otherwise shocky pale features. She couldn’t imagine anyone in the Callaghan family striking another member but she knew from her own experiences that sometimes arguments could escalate into situations that weren’t typical. She wouldn’t make any judgments until she knew the facts but she certainly wouldn’t push for those facts until Jules was ready to give them. “Of course not, not if you don’t want to. But at least answer me this, are you hurt? There doesn’t look to be a drop of color in your skin and I’ve never seen you shake this hard, not even last winter when you and Beth walked home from school in that surprise winter storm that stranded the buses.”

Jules was glad Barbara hadn’t asked if she was okay because there was no way she could lie and say that she was anywhere close to being alright. Despite his cruel and humiliating acts and despite the initial pain that she’d felt as he’d nipped at various parts of her body that even the thought of wanted to send her stomach into clenching fits once more, he’d kept his word that he hadn’t hurt her, at least not physically. Therefore she could truthfully shake her head no in answer to the question about being hurt. 

Barbara nodded, not entirely convinced but not seeing any obvious signs of injury either. “Okay, does your mother know you’re here?”

Again Jules shook her head but her eyes pleaded with Barbara not to tell. The older woman sighed. “Jules, you know you can stay here as long as you need to. Even if Beth isn’t here, this is still your safe place. But I have to call your mother and let her know you are okay. Her worrying about you isn’t going to help the situation at all. I’ll wait just a little bit if you want me to but I will call her. You don’t have to talk to her if you aren’t ready and I’ll ask her to let you stay until you feel comfortable going home but you don’t want her calling your father at his training and getting him worried, do you?”

Jules shook her head for the third time. As much as she wanted her father to come home and protect her, she didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes as he realized what she’d allowed to happen. “You’ll wait just a little bit though? Mom was asleep when I left; if you call and wake her up, it won‘t help things either.” 

Barbara nodded. Sometimes she wondered if the fact that Beth and Jules were so different made it easier for them to be friends or harder. Without giving any details about what had sent Jules fleeing her home in the early morning hours, she’d admitted that the probably hadn’t started with dawn’s early light. Barbara could almost see Jules pacing her room all night smarting over whatever the argument had been over until she could stand it no longer. Beth would never have lasted that long. She would have blown up and then blown out, heading for the Callaghan property before the echoes had even died out in the Connors’s home. 

“I’ll give it an hour or so. In the meantime, how about something to eat? I didn’t fix my usual breakfast spread since it was just me but it wouldn’t take me a second to cook up some bacon and eggs. Something warm to eat and drink might warm you up as well.”

The idea of putting anything else in her stomach just to have it come back up everything her mind flashed back to the way Johnny had kissed and touched her in all those places that nobody should be touching or to the sight of Boxer laying on her blood covered pillow was too much for her. “I’m not hungry.”

Another difference between Beth and Jules. Her own daughter was a comfort eater, the bigger the problem, the more she ate but Jules tended to pick at food like a bird until either she worked the problem out in her own mind or someone forced the issue. Whatever had upset the teenager, now wasn’t the time to force anything. Barbara held her comfortingly close to her. She could tell the girl was exhausted; she probably hadn’t slept a wink as she stewed about the fight she’d had with her mother. Now, here in the comfort and sanctuary of her safe place, she was finally starting to give in to that exhaustion. It was only a few minutes later that she’d drifted off into an uneasy sleep. 

Barbara continued to hold her until she was sure Jules was sound asleep and then eased the sleeping teen into a more comfortable position on the couch. She returned to the kitchen and replenished her coffee cup. Over the past few years, she’d lost count of the number of arguments she’d had with her own daughter. Sometimes it had felt like she and Beth would never reconcile their differences. It had been during the worst of those times she’d envied the easy relationship her daughter’s best friend had with both of her parents. It had seemed like the Callaghans were immune to such disagreements. Logically she should have known even then that it wasn’t the case but it hurt her to see Jules’s so hurt by the knowledge.

Thirty minutes later the phone rang and Barbara answered it before it could wake Jules. She hadn’t needed to glance at Caller ID to know that it was Margaret on the other end of the line. The matriarch of the Callaghan family didn’t sound much better off than Jules had when the teenager had first arrived at her door when Margaret begged Barbara to say that Jules was there.

“She’s here, Margaret. God, honey, I hope Beth never showed up at your door as upset as Jules was when she got here.”

“Is she okay?”

“Not really.” Barbara wasn’t one to beat around the bush and somehow she didn’t think Margaret really wanted her to. She didn‘t have enough information to judge who was at fault for the condition the teen had found herself in but she couldn‘t keep all the recrimination out of her voice either. “She’s asleep right now but barely. She’s been tossing and turning on my couch for the last half hour. Whatever happened must be weighing heavily on her.”

“Did she tell you what happened?”

“Not a word. You want to tell me?”

“Not til I talk to Jules. Barbara, I think I’ve messed up big time. I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to forgive me.”

Barbara’s heart went out to both women. She wished there was some way she could make things easier for them. “Margaret, Jules has the biggest heart of any girl I know; I have a hard time seeing her not forgiving you.”

Margaret expressed her doubt and then sighed. “Some things might be too big for even a sweet natured person like Jules to forgive. Do you mind if she stays there for a little while longer? I need to make things right here before I see her. At least if she’s with you, I don’t have to worry about her.”

“She’s fine here as long as she wants to stay.” Barbara assured her. She hung up the phone, thinking about the best way to help both mother and daughter through this first fight without too many scars.

“Was that Mom?” Jules stood in the doorway to the kitchen still wrapped in the throw blanket. It didn’t look to Barbara that the nap had done much to help erase the pain and tension from Jules’s eyes. The older woman nodded.

“She sounded pretty upset herself. She doesn’t think you’ll be able to forgive her.”

Forgive her? Jules thought. Her mother’s own role in the private hell Jules had endured the night before had been minimal yet pivotal in allowing Johnny to hurt her. Jules wasn’t even sure where forgiveness would come into play; currently she was too scared, too humiliated, too numb to think about anything outside of reliving every sick touch and kiss Johnny had given her. Besides, how much did her mother know about what really happened? What was she wanting forgiveness for. She shuffled on into the kitchen and sat down in a chair at the table, wrapping the throw closer around her. “Is she on her way to get me?”

Had the question seemed hopeful, Barbara was prepared to lie and say yes and then slip away to call Margaret to come right away. But Jules’s voice didn’t betray any emotion at all. The only clue that the older woman had to what the teenager was thinking was the way she was slightly biting her lower lip, a sure sign that Jules felt uneasy. Barbara shook her head. “Not for a little while at least. What can I fix you to eat -- and don’t even start with the ’I’m not hungry’ route?”

Jules shrugged, not wanting to put anything in her stomach that might expel itself at every vile memory that assaulted her just as viciously as the attack itself. But the look on Barbara’s face told her she was serious about not taking nothing as an answer. “Some toast maybe?”

Barbara nodded and got up to prepare the simple breakfast. She personally felt like the teen needed something more substantial but was willing to take whatever concession she could get. However, when she placed the plate of four slices of wheat toast in front of the teen, she’d added a small bowl of fruit. Once she sat down opposite Jules once again, the mother in her took in the girl’s almost haunted expression and a fear slowly grew in her. She had a sinking feeling that whatever had caused Jules to flee her childhood home, it didn’t have much to do with a simple argument. 

“Jules, sweetheart, are you okay? I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

The single bite of toast Jules had taken seemed to swell in her throat, threatening to choke her. The compassion and understanding tinged with just a hint of fear in the older woman’s voice tried to break past all the defenses Jules had tried to envelop herself in. For a moment, Jules wanted to throw off the blanket and launch herself into Barbara’s arms and tell the older woman the whole sordid tale. Wanted to confide every dirty, humiliating detail and ask the painful, scary questions that were warring in her mind. But she stayed quiet, silenced by the one nagging voice that was louder than all the others that reminded her that she hadn’t fought back, that she’d allowed Johnny to do everything he did, that it was ultimately her fault that Boxer was lying dead on her pillow. The single bite set off the heaves once more and Jules did throw off the blanket to race down the hall to the Connors’s downstairs bathroom.

When she emerged ten minutes later, her body trembling, Barbara simply hugged her gently. This time she didn’t press the teen to continue eating or to talk. Jules could still see the worry in the woman’s eyes but knew that Barbara wouldn’t ask further questions but would be there if Jules did decide to talk. Jules had never been more grateful. 

Jules spent the rest of the morning curled up on the couch in the living room huddled under the blanket, just staring off into space. She hated what she was allowing herself to do, allowing herself to remain locked into what had happened, reliving it over and over again in full Technicolor, but didn’t know how to break out of it. Barbara went about her normal activities, ready to listen if Jules decided to talk but not wanting to put pressure on the teen she didn’t think she could handle. 

By the time Margaret Callaghan appeared at the back door, Barbara had run through the gambit of possible scenarios of what could have happened. From her own experiences with fights with Beth, it didn’t seem like typical mother/daughter teenage angst. She had believed that the Callaghan’s marriage was sound but could Jack’s hours at work have sent Margaret into the arms of another lover? A lover that Jules had suddenly found out about? Barbara couldn’t say anything if she had; she’d made a similar mistake when she and her husband had first started having problems and at times she’d wondered if Beth would ever forgive her. 

As she opened the door for her friend, Beth studied Margaret carefully. The mother of her daughter’s best friend seemed ashen and almost as upset as Jules had looked only hours earlier. Barbara offered the other woman a comforting hug as well. 

“She’s in the living room; she still hasn’t told me anything.”

Margaret nodded. She wasn’t surprised. She could only hope Jules would at least listen to what she had to say even if she wouldn’t talk to her either. “Thanks for being here for her.”

“Any time.” Barbara assured her. “You two obviously need to talk and a neutral location might make it easier. I have a few errands to run so the two of you take all the time you need to talk. Make yourselves at home and if you leave before I get back, just lock up on your way out. If you need me to come back earlier, call me on the car phone.”

Margaret thanked her again and waited until Barbara left the house before making her way to the living room. It broke her heart to see Jules lying on the couch looking so lost and bereft. Tears filled her eyes as she sank into the chair closest to the couch, wanting to be even closer to her daughter but afraid such a move would be rejected. If Jules was aware of her presence, she didn’t show it. Margaret cleared her throat, trying to speak past the lump that had grown in her throat. 

“Jules, I’m so sorry.”

Jules didn’t move from her position and for a moment it looked like she was totally going to ignore her mother. Then she sighed. “What are you sorry about?”

There was no accusation in her voice; in fact, there was no emotion at all in her words. Silence followed for a few minutes as Margaret Callaghan garnered her thoughts. Once she started listing the things she was sorry for, would there be an end? Where should she even start? Once the quiet started to border on the uncomfortable for the both of them, Margret found her words. 

“How about with being a screw up as a human being for starters?”

Jules forced herself to sit up on the couch. She looked at her mother, not sure what to make of her statement. It didn’t sound like the alcohol talking even if her mother did look more than a little worse for wear. How much did her mother know about what happened?

Margret continued. “I have a drinking problem. We both know it. I’ve tried to convince myself it wasn’t a problem, that I didn’t need the alcohol but I was just fooling myself. Whenever I’d start to worry that maybe something really was wrong, I’d console myself that it wasn’t that bad by reading articles about people who could admit they really did have a problem. I’d tell myself that I wasn’t like them. My life was still in control. So many times I read where people admitted it took hitting rock bottom to make them realize they had a problem. I never thought it would come down to my daughter having to hit the bottom for me to see myself for what I am.”

“Mom.”

Shaking her head, Margaret couldn’t let Jules interrupt her or she’d lose all of her nerve. “I woke up with a headache and wanted a drink. I couldn’t get one because my supply had disappeared. I came into your bedroom ready to lay into you once again. I was going to scream and fuss and demand that you give me my booze back. What I saw when I opened your door both sobered me up and made me want a drink in the worst way at the same time.” The older woman’s lower lip trembled. “Can my apology now be about Boxer? I know how much you loved that kitten.”

A tear ran down Jules’s cheek and she brushed it away impatiently. She didn’t want to cry any more. Didn’t want to waste any more emotion on what Johnny did to her or to Boxer. Perhaps if she could keep her fear and revulsion at bay and allow anger to take over, she could be okay with all this. She shrugged. “Why apologize when you were planning to do the same damn thing later today because you believed I stole your stupid bottles of Jack Daniels?”

Margaret looked horrified at Jules’s accusation; her curse word going almost unnoticed. “Julianna, I would never.” Now she looked like she needed to throw up just as much as Jules had earlier. “I must be worse off than I thought if you could believe even for a second that I would be capable of being so vicious and cruel. I don’t remember what all I said or did last night when you got back from the bowling alley but I couldn’t kill a defenseless animal. I promise you that.”

Again Jules shrugged noncommittally. She still didn’t know exactly how much her mother knew or thought she knew. And even though she needed her mother to wrap her arms around her and convince her that none of it had been Jules’s fault and that everything would somehow be okay, she wasn’t ready to completely let her mother off the hook. 

“Jules, I was standing there in your bedroom, horrified by what I was seeing and terrified wondering where you were when Johnny came up behind me. He told me it was all my fault; that I was responsible for what happened to Boxer. I turned around to look at him and the look on his face made me sick.” Margaret shuddered. “He wasn’t the brother I thought I knew. He was some stranger I didn’t recognize. Suddenly I realized he must have taken those ‘stupid bottles of Jack Daniels’ that I’d accused you of taking and I knew he was responsible for the carnage I was seeing in your bedroom. I didn’t know why; I knew he’d been accused of doing some bad things to animals in his teenage years but I hadn’t really believed it could be true. I guess it was.”

Margaret slipped off her perch on the chair to kneel beside the couch where Jules was sitting, Reaching up she pushed a stray strand of hair out of her daughter’s face. “I told him to get out of my house and to never come back. He laughed like it was all some sort of joke but he left. That’s when I called Barbara to make sure you were here and okay. I wanted to come down immediately but I thought I should clean up in your room first. I didn’t want you to come home and have to deal with it.” She paused as if unsure how to continue. Without waiting to see how Jules would react, Margaret joined her on the couch. “As he was leaving he asked me to tell you thanks for the great time the two of you had last night. It didn’t sound like he was talking about bowling either. I didn’t know what he was talking about until I saw the condition of the rest of your bed and the way your clothes were flung about the room. Then his words took on a sickening meaning. Johnny didn’t just kill Boxer, did he?” 

Jules stiffened at the question but she didn’t answer. She couldn’t admit what she’d been forced to endure or do at her uncle’s hands. At Jules’s lack of answer, Margaret began to cry and she pulled her daughter into her arms. “Damn him, Jules. Damn him all to hell and back. How dare he? I’m so sorry, Jules. Sorry I didn’t protect you.” Then she pulled back. “Tell me. I need to know how bad it was so I can protect you now. Get you treatment, whatever you need.”

Jules shook her head. “It’s over. He’s gone and he can’t do anything more to me. Living through it was bad enough, please don’t make me go through it again by talking about it. I can’t.” 

As much as she wanted to be the tough Daddy’s girl everyone was so accustomed to, she really felt like a scared little girl facing the boogieman she believed lived in the closet of her bedroom. Margaret sighed. She wanted to give in to her daughter’s wishes but she knew what was right. 

“Sweetheart, I know it’s difficult but we’ve got to let Dr. Peters examine you to make sure Johnny didn’t hurt you when he r..r..” she stumbled over the word rape unable to say it. 

Jules shuddered even at the thought of the word and her pale features once more turned a little green. “It was bad but not that bad. He didn’t…” she couldn’t say the word either. “I’m still a virgin.”

Margret nodded, looking a little relieved. She still needed to hear what happened and was pretty sure Jules needed to talk it out but didn’t want to push her daughter any further. Her hands were shaking with the need to have a drink to wash away the horror of the day but she knew she couldn’t take that cop out. She had to be strong for Jules. “Part of me wants to call your father right now and get him to come home. Have him arrest Johnny and put him under the jail for what he did to you. But the bigger part of me is scared for him to know. As much as he loves you, the idea of any man putting his hands on you in a way he shouldn’t would send him over the edge. I’m scared of what he’d do, not for Johnny’s sake but for you dad’s. There’s no way he’d consider what it would mean to his own life or freedom before he went after Johnny.”

“I don’t want him to know.” Jules insisted. She couldn’t stand to see the disappointment she was sure would be in her father’s eyes if he ever found out about what she’d allowed to happen to her. “I just want to forget it. Please.”

Margaret knew Jules needed to talk about it to someone; it was the only way she’d truly be able to get past what happened. But there would be time to press the matter later. “How about we just call him and tell him he needs to come home because I‘m sick.“ Seeing she was about to protest, Margaret continued. “You needed me and I was too drunk to even know it. I need help, Jules. I’m willing to get it, willing to check into a rehab or whatever I need but I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. I want your father to check me in so I can’t check myself out as soon as it gets hard.”

In light of everything that had happened, Jules didn’t want to get her hopes up that her mom actually wanted to get better but hearing that she was willing to give rehab a try made her feel marginally better. “Okay.”

Margaret smiled. “It’ll probably be tomorrow night before he could get home. I have no right to ask but will you come home with me in the meantime? There’s no alcohol in the house. But I don’t trust myself to not go for more if I’m alone. I have your room all cleaned up but I can understand if you don’t feel comfortable sleeping in your room. You can sleep in my room with me tonight or we can fix up one of the boys’ rooms for you if you’d prefer that.”

The idea of going back into that house at all after what had happened terrified Jules but she had to admit that her mother was at least trying and at least Johnny wasn’t going to be there. “Okay, let’s go home.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

 _Present Day_

Sam couldn’t identify exactly who or what the culprit was, but something roused him from a sound sleep. As his eyes opened, he instinctively moved to pull Jules tighter into his embrace. It took him a moment to realize she wasn’t there. He sat up, expecting to see a little bit of light slipping from under a closed bathroom door that would tell him she was simply answering a call of nature. But the door was open and the light was out. Her side of the bed was cool, indicating she’d been gone long enough for all of her warmth to disappear. He glanced at the clock; it was 3:18 in the morning. Way too early for her to have already woken up and gotten ready for the day. 

Throwing back the covers, he grabbed the sweat pants he’d discarded earlier and got out of bed. He hoped she had just slipped downstairs to check on the kitten but wasn’t very convinced of that scenario. He knew for some reason she wasn’t completely happy having the kitten in the house but she’d agreed to keeping it. She had insisted that the kitten would be much happier and feel safer if they confined it to the small laundry room for the night. She’d said the smaller space would make him fee more secure. 

Something scraped beneath him and he shook his head. That was probably what had awoken him and was probably where his girlfriend had disappeared to. He quietly padded down the stairs to the extra room Jules was currently trying to renovate. Sure enough the light was on and he could hear her moving around inside. As he stood in the doorway watching her, the smell of paint fumes filled his nostrils. 

Even though this was the second coat of the same color on the walls, he could tell by the wetness of the paint that she’d already painted three-fourths of the room. How long had she been down here working? They’d both fallen asleep together after a round of lovemaking they’d both been desperate for after such a near miss earlier in the day. He’d been careful not only to keep from giving in to his own urges of showing her in ways he knew she didn’t like in their lovemaking just how grateful he was that she was alive but also that he hadn’t hurt her given the ugly bruise that was forming on her chest where the bullet had been stopped. He was pretty sure wielding the paint roller the way she was couldn’t be doing the pain in her chest any good. 

“Babe, do you know what time it is?” She paused mid-roll at his question and turned to face him. 

“I woke you up, didn’t I? The ladder slipped as I was moving it and I had hoped it hadn’t been loud enough to wake you. I’m sorry.”

Sam left his position at the doorway and crossed the room to where she was standing wearing her ridiculous paint overalls. He took the roller from her and eased it down to the paint tray before pulling her close. “It’s almost three thirty in the morning. You should be in bed with me instead of down here painting this room. Didn’t the ER doc tell you to take it easy for a day or two? I don’t think this is what he had in mind.”

Jules didn’t pull away but shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep so this seemed more productive than lying there trying to find patterns in the bedroom ceiling. Besides, working through the pain is a good thing. I just have this one wall left and then I’ll be through with this coat. Go on back to bed. I’ll try to be quiet.”

“You should have woken me up if you couldn’t sleep. Were you hurting that much or was it because you napped earlier when we came home from the ER?” Sam kissed her nose and pulled back allowing her to retrieve her paint roller. He had no intention of going back to bed and leaving her to finish up alone but he also didn’t look for an extra roller. When they’d first started dating the first time, he had tried to pitch in and help with her renovations. It had been a fun and new experience for him and though she hadn’t complained, he’d later discovered his attempts just caused more work for her in the long run. So he gave up trying to help and contented himself with just keeping her company.

Jules was glad her back was too him; didn’t trust that he wouldn’t see something in her eyes that would give away the reason she’d fled their bed earlier. The dreams of the past didn’t come often any more; she’d successfully banished most of those demons from surfacing but sometimes, when a call hit a little too close to home and probably tonight with the arrival of the kitten she hadn’t wanted, they’d returned in full force. She was just glad she’d hadn’t woke up while dreaming. She’d never have been able to put off his questions. 

“Too wound up I guess. Nothing to worry about.” She resumed her painting and hoped he’d leave it at that. 

“It was a cat wasn’t it?” The question seemed random but Jules chewed on her bottom lip a few seconds before answering. 

“What was a cat?”

“The pet you lost. There was something in your eyes earlier when you first held Patches. I wasn’t trying to bring back bad memories by asking Wordy for one. I really wanted to do something nice. Tell me what happened.” Sam sat down in the middle of the floor, checking first to make sure he wouldn’t be sitting in some glop of paint. 

Jules felt her jaw tightened as she plunged ahead with the painting. “What does it matter? It happened a long time ago.”

“Because it obviously made a big impact on you. Anything that was or is important to you is important to me. I love you Jules, more than I ever thought was possible for me when it came to loving someone. You know so much about me but I know very little about you or your life before I met you.”

Jules turned to look at him, her brown eyes hard and steely. “So, what are you suggesting? Quid pro quo, I know a few things about your life before SRU and so I have to spill my guts in return? To hell if it’s something I don’t like to talk about as long as it satisfies your curiosity?”

Sam wanted to growl in frustration but instead held her gaze. He recognized this side of his girlfriend. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d picked a fight in order to avoid talking about something else. He wasn’t going to rise to the bait this time. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. We won’t talk about it.”

The fire extinguished just as quickly as it started with his calm demeanor. Jules turned back to her task and Sam figured the conversation was over. Still he stayed in his spot on the floor as she finished the last of the wall. Once she’d cleaned up her mess, he rose and took her in his arms once more. He tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear.

“I really do, you know. Love you that is.” He lowered his lips to brush lightly against hers. “If talking about your lost pet is too painful, I don’t have to know about it. I’m sorry I upset you.”

Jules felt bad for the way she’d treated him. She knew he wasn’t trying to be noisy and was only trying to empathize with her situation. Still, she couldn’t tell him the truth because it was too close to other secrets that she wanted to keep hidden, but if she didn’t tell him something, the conversation would keep coming up. Feeling bad knowing she was about to lie to the man she loved, she rose up on her tiptoes to kiss him. 

“It’s okay. It’s nothing that major really. I had a kitten that got out while my uncle was visiting. It somehow climbed up in the engine of his car and was accidentally killed when my uncle started his car. I really loved her though and was devastated when she died.”

Sam hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry, Babe. Your uncle must have felt bad about what happened even if he couldn’t help it. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure Patches stays inside so nothing happens to him.”

Jules nodded but didn’t answer. Even twenty years later, just mentioning the word uncle in relation to the death of her cat made her skin crawl even if she had lied about his involvement. “Let’s go back to bed. At least since we’re off tomorrow we can sleep in.”

“You, me, bed, I like the sound of that.” Sam admitted. He played with the zipper on her overalls. “We should leave your overalls down here so we don’t smell paint fumes the rest of the night. So what are you wearing under this thing?”

Jules recognized the look in his eyes and blushed a little. “What I had on when we went to sleep.” 

Sam’s grin broadened, knowing very well exactly what she hadn’t been wearing in bed. He lowered the zipper revealing her state of undress. He pushed the material from her shoulders allowing the overalls to fall to the floor. She stepped out of them before Sam picked her up in his arms and cradled her against his chest. He lowered his head to kiss her once again. “You did say we could sleep in tomorrow, didn’t you? Cause I plan on giving you something better to do than try to make patterns in the ceiling.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when you thought it was safe to go into the Flashpoint waters again, I bring you this chapter. Warning, it’s going to get dark and gritty again.

_1992_

“Julianna?”

The sound of her mother’s voice didn’t even penetrate the fog of memories Jules was currently lost in. All afternoon, she’d avoided coming into to her bedroom hoping to escape thinking about what had happened to her. It hadn’t worked so when her mother had offered to grab what the teenager would need for the night out of the room so she wouldn’t have to go in, Jules had declined. However, as soon as she crossed the threshold the memories had attacked full force, as vividly as the moment they had happened. She felt locked in place, unable to move, unable to breath, unable to do anything but stand there shaking as her mind replayed every minute of the night before as if it were a video stuck on a perpetual loop. 

“Jules?” Margaret tried again, this time putting a tentative hand on Jules’s shoulder. Now the teenager did jump, turning to face her mother with a wild look in her eyes. 

“He’s still here. I want him gone. I want the memory of what he did to me gone but every time I close my eyes, every place I look in this room he’s still here. How can I make it go away? It’s over and I don’t want it to have this power over me. I want to be stronger than this but I’m not.”

“Then tell me what happened. Jules, as long as you keep it bottled up inside you, he’s going to have that power over you. Let me help you deal with the pain and the fear.”

The afternoon after returning from Barbara’s hadn’t been easy. Every time she’d broached the subject with Jules, she’d been met with resistance. Battling the overwhelming need she felt for a drink didn’t marry well with trying to help a teenaged daughter with a problem she didn’t fully understand and Margaret was quickly losing the war with both. Only her stronger desire to make sure Jules was really okay was keeping her even a little sane at the moment. If Jules self-destructed now, she would lose all hope. 

Jules shook her head, backing out of the room and sliding down to the floor to wrap her arms around her legs drawing them close. “I can’t. You’ll hate me.”

Margaret sank to the floor beside Jules and gently lifting the younger girl’s chin with her fingers. “Julianna Callaghan, listen to me and listen to me good. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been the easiest person to live with when I’m drinking and I’m sure at times today I’ve been a real bitch to you.” She paused as her word choice for her behavior during the day brought just the slightest of a hint of a smile to Jules’s face. She continued. “But even at my lowest, even at your lowest, there is no way I could ever hate you. Hate myself, yes; but you, never in a million years.”

Jules shook her head. “You don’t understand. It’s my fault it happened. I let him do those things to me. I should have stopped him but I didn’t even fight back.”

“Johnny is about two full feet taller and probably about twice your weight. Try as hard as you could to stop him or to fight back and it wouldn’t have made a difference. He still would have taken what he wanted. You were his victim and it wasn’t your fault.”

As much as Jules had wanted to hear her mother tell her it wasn’t her fault, now that she was hearing the words she couldn’t believe them. She was a Callaghan and she wasn’t anyone’s victim. No matter what, she should have found some way to stop him or even if she couldn’t, at least made it extremely difficult for him. Instead, she’d given in to his every demand, or at least she had until her body had turned against her making her throw up on him as he forced himself into her mouth. “I should have done more.”

Margaret released Jules’s chin and wrapped her arms around her daughter. “Jules, you aren’t going to want to hear what I have to say. All of your life, you’ve chased after those brothers like you were one of the boys and you’ve followed after your daddy like a number five son instead of the frilly little daughter I thought I was getting when the doctor said I was having a girl. As much as I might have wanted to dress you up in ruffles and bows I didn’t complain because you were growing up to be a strong and independent woman. But sweetheart, at the end of the day you are my little girl and tough as you are, there are things that are beyond your control. You said earlier that he didn’t…” she started to struggle over the word again but then plunged on. “didn’t rape you. Do you think that would have been a different story if you had fought him?”

Jules remembered his threat when she’d balked at his last request and shuddered. Reluctantly she nodded. Even though she still didn’t know what exactly he’d done to her little girl, Margaret said a little prayer of thanks that it hadn’t been worse. “Then I’m glad you didn’t fight him. Baby, please tell me the full story. I know my brother. What I used to see in him as a charming personality I can now see was him being a master manipulator. He tried to do it to me this morning when I came in and saw that Boxer was dead. I can only imagine the things he told you last night to make it seem like what he was doing was either okay or your fault. And you probably believed every word he told you because that’s how deceitful he really is. Let’s sort through his lies together so you can see the truth for what it really is. It’s the only way you’re going to get past what happened.”

Jules still didn’t want to admit out loud what had happened. Wanted to keep it locked away so that no one would know her shame. But her mother made a good point. Keeping it in was just making things worse for her. Maybe she should trust her mother just a little. Still reluctant, she nodded. “Can I take a shower first?”

She didn’t feel the need to spend the entire night under the spray of the water going through cycle after cycle of hot and cold water but she could still feel his hands and mouth touching her and she wanted to wash away that feel if only for a few minutes. Margaret nodded. “You can take one before and after we talk if it’ll make you feel better. How about I go in there and get what you need and you use my bathroom? Then maybe tomorrow while we wait for you dad to get home, we can rearrange your room so it doesn’t hold so many bad memories for you.”

Jules agreed and thirty minutes later, after at least a twenty minute shower, she was curled up in her parents bed telling her mother the whole nightmarish story. Telling it was just as hard as living it and she could feel herself tensing up and her breathing becoming harder as the parts got too difficult. After the whole story was out, she hugged a pillow close to her body, unable to take even her mother’s comforting arms around her. “I don’t understand, he seemed to think I would enjoy what he was doing, that he was giving me pleasure but I don’t see how anyone could find that pleasurable.”

The tears fell freely down Margaret’s cheeks as she took in the horrible pain her daughter had experienced. The things her brother had done so vile in the way he’d forced her to participate should have been so different when the time and the person had been right for her daughter. But how could she convince Jules of that in the moment? At least Jules was still young enough that they had time to help her come to terms with what happened before Jules was ready to be in a loving and pleasurable sexual relationship. Despite her own demons she needed to face, Margaret wanted to help her daughter exorcise her own demons first. But to do that she would need help.

“I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record and it doesn’t make up for how I failed you but I’m so sorry, Julianna. I should have been there for you and I wasn’t. And once your dad comes home and I tell him about my problems I’m going to be locked away for a few weeks in rehab and I still won’t be there to help you. Maybe I should call your father back and tell him I’m okay and for him to stay at the training after all. I can wait for rehab for a little while.”

Jules shook her head, not completely sure if her mother was just being altruistic or simply using what happened as an excuse not to get help for herself. “You promised me you wanted to get help. If you wait about going to rehab you are just going to lapse back into drinking no matter how much you promise me or yourself that you won’t. Maybe I’m selfish but I need my mother back not the person the booze has turned you into.”

The words hurt just a little but Margret knew she was right. She’d have Jack check her into rehab and get her life back on track. However, she promised herself that as soon as she was released, she’d move heaven and earth to make sure that her daughter also got the help she needed. 

“For you I will.” At the look of protest on Jules’s face, Margaret quickly amended. “For my sake as well. I just want this to all be okay for you. I hate that I sank so low that I couldn’t protect you. You look pretty exhausted, ready to turn in?”

Jules shook her head. “I think I want to take another shower first. I know its all in my head but I can still feel him on me. I think I’m also scared to go to sleep, afraid of what my dreams will be like.”

Margaret played with her daughter’s bangs for just a moment. “Then take your shower. When you come out, take a couple of Benedryl. They’ll knock you out and pretty much ensure that you’ll sleep hard enough not to notice any dreams.”

“I don’t want to get used to taking something.” Jules protested. 

“You won’t. I know you well enough to know that you won’t allow yourself to get addicted to something. At least not the same way I did. Take them for tonight so you can get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow night your daddy will be home and I know that will make you feel better, feel safer.”

Jules relented and after taking another shower and allowing the almost totally hot water temporarily to wash away the nasty feelings still remaining on her, she took the small pink pills her mother offered her and climbed into the bed. Even without the pills, she was already exhausted, her brief attempts at naps during the day not fully replacing the full night of no sleep the night before. She blinked up at her mother who was tucking her in for what had to be the first time in at least a decade. “Are you turning in now?”

Margaret shook her head. “I’m still a little too wired yet to go to sleep. Don’t worry, I can’t get anything to drink. There’s nothing in the house and you hid my keys for me, remember?” Earlier, Margret had expressed a fear that she’d get so desperate for a drink that she would drive to town to buy more so Jules had offered to make sure she couldn’t find her keys if that were to be the case. Margaret had willingly surrendered the keys knowing that Jules had a way of hiding things almost in plain sight in such a way that nobody could find them.

She remained in the bedroom until Jules fell asleep and then made her way downstairs. Her hands were shaking almost uncontrollably now. Never in her life had she felt the need to lose herself in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey as she did now. Wanted to drink the pain and the guilt away. Her baby had been hurt by a man Margret had thought she should have been able to trust implicitly. How had she missed the signs? How had she allowed it to happen? And that didn’t even include the added guilt that came from hearing that Johnny had used her own words and accusations to manipulate Jules into giving in to his demands. 

Had there been any alcohol in the house at all, Margaret would have said to hell with her good intentions of remaining sober until Jack got home. But there wasn’t anything in the house to drink and short of walking to town and back, she couldn’t go about getting more. So since she couldn’t drink, she had to find something else to do to assuage her guilt and try to get over the shakes that came from not having something to drink. 

When she called Jack earlier to request that he come home, he’d expressed his concern and tried to get her to tell him exactly what was wrong. She couldn’t explain over the phone but urged him to get there as soon as he could. Part of her wanted to confide in him exactly what had happened to their daughter, wanted to ensure that he would take care of her while Margret was in rehab but at the same time was too afraid of the consequences if he did find out the truth. She didn’t care a whit about Johnny if Jack decided to tear him from limb to limb for what he’d done. Her younger brother deserved it and more for hurting the teenager the way he had. But what would the family do if Jack lost his job and his freedom in the attempt? 

Needing to do something with her hands, she opened a cabinet in the kitchen and removed a stack of plates and put them in the sink. If it took washing every dish in the house five times to get her through the night without hunting down a drink she would do so. 

After washing and rinsing every plate in the cabinet, she grabbed a dish cloth to start drying them to return them to the cabinet. Her hands were shaking so badly now that she dropped the second plate she picked up. As the plate broke into what had to be a thousand pieces on the hard floor, it all became too much for Margaret. She picked up a third dripping dish and flung it to the floor, taking out her anger and out rage on the innocent dishes. Five more plates joined the broken pieces on the floor before a familiar if unwanted voice caused her to freeze.

“I have something I think you are missing.”

She whirled around, her eyes narrowing as her little brother stared back at her, holding a full bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands. “You have some nerve showing up back here. I told you this morning to get out of here and to never come back.”

He laughed. “If you were serious about that, you really should have asked me to return your house key. But I guess your mind was elsewhere, maybe on this little friend of yours maybe? Go ahead, I know you want it.”

She did; God help her but she wanted what he was offering more than anything. What would one small drink hurt? It would probably settle her nerves enough to help her think about what she should do to get rid of him before he could hurt Jules again. Though her shaking hands wanted to reach out and snatch the bottle from him, she knew she couldn’t take the first swallow. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to stop until the whole bottle was gone and Jules deserved better than that from her.

“Go to hell, Johnny. Jules told me what you did to her. You are a sick man to do that to an innocent girl. A slow and painful death is too good for you.”

“JAC loved every minute of pleasure I gave her last night. If she’s saying otherwise today it’s just because she’s feeling guilty. She certainly wasn’t protesting last night. She was practically begging me for more.”

“You bastard.” Margaret spat out careful to keep her eyes off the bottle in his hand. She wasn’t sure she was strong enough to resist its siren’s call but she knew she had to try for Jules’s sake. “I don’t know which is sicker, that you could do those things to your niece or that you actually think she wanted or enjoyed it.”

Johnny ignored her rant and slowly stood walking toward her, offering her the bottle. “Is that any way to act toward your little brother? I came all the way back here to return your missing property and this is the thanks I get? Go ahead, take a drink, take the whole damn bottle.”

Margaret shook her head, stepping backward away from his approach until her back rested against the edge of the sink. The way he slightly swung the bottle was almost hypnotizing her. It would be so easy to do so; she could almost taste the amber liquid as it burned her throat going down. Still, giving in now would be letting Jules down and she couldn’t do that. “No, I don’t want it.”

“Your body says differently.” He pinned her against the sink and opened the bottle, holding it under her nose so that she could smell the alcohol inside. “One little drink, the one you’ve been wanting all day.” He tipped the bottle to her mouth trying to pour some of the liquid into her mouth but she clamped her lips shut, not allowing even a drop to pass her lips. Then she heard a sharp click and a sharp edge pressed against her throat. With a sickening thud in her stomach, she realized he was holding a knife to her throat. With his next words, there was not even a hint of the nice guy everyone had believed him to be. “I said drink it.” 

She kept her mouth shut but couldn’t shake her head for fear of the knife against her jugular. He could kill her if he wanted to but she wasn’t going to go back on her word to her daughter. Not this time. He lowered the knife away from her throat and a tear of relief slipped down her cheek. The relief was short-lived however as a fiery pain ignited in her stomach. She gasped in pain and as soon as her mouth opened, he pressed the rim of the bottle into her mouth pouring a little of the liquid down her throat. 

“See that’s what you wanted wasn’t it?”

\-- FP --

As her mother promised, the antihistamine knocked Jules out completely. Any noises going on in the house went unnoticed but not even the drugs were enough to block out the dreams that assaulted her as soon as she was under. What the drugs did do was make it almost impossible for her to wake up as soon as she recognized that she was starting to dream. So her drugged mind was forced to replay the events over and over again, each time feeling more and more real than the last one. 

Currently it was as if she could actually feel his weight once more on top of her and the hem of her t-shirt being pushed upward. She whimpered at the realistic feel of his mouth once more on her breast. How could the dream feel so real? At one particularly painful nip at her nipple, she forced her heavy eyes open to discover her nightmare wasn’t just in her dreams.

Johnny was lying on top of her in her mother’s bed, his mouth attacking her exposed breast with reckless abandon. She screamed in protest and wiggled beneath him trying to dislodge him from his position on top of her. How had he gotten back into the house and where was her mother?

He ignored her audible protests and seemed to enjoy the movement of her body beneath him. She increased her efforts to stop him, brining her hands up to try to physically push him away, to hit him, to do anything to stop her nightmare from occurring once more. He released her breast from his mouth and chuckled. “Feisty tonight are we? Makes it much more pleasurable for me. Feeling you writhe against me turns me on. Can you feel how much?”

She could feel something bulging against her thigh and it only increased her struggles. Screaming for all she was worth, she reached her right hand up, digging her short nails into his cheek. She knew her nails weren’t long enough to cause physical damage but hoped the pain would deter him from his actions long enough for her to get away from him. He howled in protest but pressed his body further against hers. He caught both of her wrists in one of his own and held them both painfully above her head. “Not nice, JAC. If you want it rough, I can do that but I don’t think you’d like it as much.”

He lowered his mouth to hers, pushing his tongue into her mouth, roughly exploring. She bit down sharply and tasted something coppery before he pulled away. Her mother had left the light on in the room so Jules had no trouble seeing the drops of blood leaking from the side of his mouth. His already dark eyes got darker and the hand that wasn’t holding her wrists tightly backhanded her. She screamed once again, hoping to draw her mother’s attention. 

He laughed again. “Scream all you want, JAC. No one’s gong to come help you any more than they did last night.”

“Mom will.” Jules warned but he only laughed again.

“She’s downstairs passed out. She couldn’t turn down the bottle I brought her.”

Jules shook her head. “She promised me she wouldn’t drink. Besides there’s not alcohol in the house.”

His free hand roughly played with first one breast then the other. “Remember, Little Girl, UJ promised if you were good last night, he’d help you with your problem. And you were very good with the exception of throwing up on me like you did. So, quid pro quo, I returned what your mother lost and even made sure she got the full benefit of one of the bottles before I came upstairs to see you. Maybe she didn’t even feel it when I killed her.”

“MOM!” Jules screamed as loud as she could. He had to be lying. Her mother couldn’t be dead. He laughed again and his hand left her breast to retrieve what should have been a shiny object from his back pocket. Or at least it would have been shiny if it hadn’t been dulled by a bright red thick liquid. Jules’s stomach turned as she realized it was fresh blood. She shook her head. “No.” 

“Gutted her just like I did your cat last night. Amazing how much more blood there is in a human body. I don’t think either suffered for long. Now there’s no one to stop me from really enjoying what you have to offer. And trust me, last night was nothing compared to what we‘ll enjoy this time.”

Hearing him claim to have killed her mother in the same horrific way he’d killed Boxer zapped the fight right out of Jules and left her numb. She didn’t fight back as his grip on her wrists tightened and he returned the knife to his back pocket out of her reach even if she had been able to move. His now free hand found its way to the waistbands of her shorts and panties and pulled them down enough to give him easy access. She screamed when his fingers suddenly plunged into her painfully. He grunted in pleasure as he worked his fingers in and out of her with painful disregard to her feelings. 

All Jules could do was lay beneath him and cry as the nightmare that had been so bad the night before suddenly got worse. If what he was doing now hurt this much, how much worse would it hurt if he replaced his fingers with the bulging, throbbing appendage currently pressing against her thigh? His mouth came down on the side of her face, licking and biting at her ear. 

“Don’t cry JAC, just relax and enjoy it. I’ve been told I’m just about as talented with my hand as I am with my cock. You can tell me later if it’s true. You’re so tight and it feels so good. I can’t wait to plunge into you so deep.”

“GET OFF MY DAUGHTER!”

Shocked but relived to hear her mother’s voice and know that her mother wasn’t dead gave Jules the strength to renew her fight against her uncle’s advances once more. Her attempts and her mother’s presence didn’t seem to deter him from his assault against her. He glanced back at his sister, a wicked grin on his face. 

“Didn’t I kill you downstairs? Oh well, you’ll be dead soon enough. No one can survive your wounds for long. Maybe long enough for you to see me make love to your daughter. Kind of kinky but I don’t mind an audience.”

The sound of a shot gun going off filled the air and temporarily deafened Jules. The younger girl realized her mother had grabbed her father’s shot gun from downstairs before coming to her rescue. She couldn’t see her mother to know her actual condition but she did see the pieces of sheetrock dance off the wall where the blast landed. 

“I said get off her or the next shot won’t be aimed so high.” 

The one hand pulled out of her and the other released its grip on her wrists. A second later he slid off her and turned to face her mother. “No need to get testy Margaret. JAC and I were just having a little fun, right?” 

Jules couldn’t answer as she lay there trying to get her breath back. She wanted to curl into a ball against the pain and humiliation she’d once more felt at her uncle’s hands. As he moved closer to her mother and away from the bed, Jules managed to put her clothes right and slip out of the bed to the floor. Her hand reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out the hand gun her father kept there. There was no way she was gong to let him get a third try at her. 

It was only then that she got a good look at her mother and she was horrified at what she saw. Johnny hadn’t lied about cutting her and the wound looked serious by the amount of blood soaking her mother’s clothes. Only sheer willpower could be responsible for her being able to climb the stairs to come to Jules’s rescue. 

“Put the gun away Margaret. Let me call an ambulance for you and then I’ll leave. I promise you I won’t come back again. You can’t survive much longer if you don’t get help.” 

He stepped closer and closer and Jules tried to shout out a warning to her mother as she saw him reach into his back pocket once more. A second shot fired harmlessly into the ceiling as he suddenly lunched at his sister, stabbing her once more. He held the knife there until her struggles ended. Leaving the knife embedded in her chest, he rose and turned back toward Jules. “Where were we?”

Jules fired without thinking. Johnny clutched at his shoulder and hit the floor screaming in pain. She didn’t release her hold on the gun in case Johnny tried anything else but she scooted across the floor and pulled her mother’s now lifeless body to her. She could feel her mother’s blood soaking through her own clothes but it didn’t matter. Tears flooded her cheeks as she begged her mother to be okay even as she knew it wasn’t possible. She blocked out everything but her mother from her mind, not even hearing the curses and screams her uncle was making from where he’d landed after she shot him. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there holding her mother when she heard sirens approaching. How they had known to come escaped her until it finally made sense to her that even if the neighbors weren’t close enough to hear her screams, they had heard the gunshots and called the police.

A few minutes later she could hear footsteps running up the stairs and then three officers burst into the room, their guns drawn. It was if she wasn’t even in the room with them as one went to check on Johnny, one called for EMS and the third knelt beside her calling her name. Dimly she felt the gun being removed from her grasp and she allowed it without protest. Wanted to but couldn’t protest as the officer who’d called for an ambulance gently extracted her mother’s body from her mom. She was aware they were talking to her but she couldn’t answer couldn’t move as the officer who had removed her gun, bodily picked her up and removed her from the room. 

Pieces that followed managed to penetrate her brain. Barbara Connors arriving and holding her close. Paramedics wanting to take her to the hospital to be checked out and her managing to find her voice enough to protest against it. Barbara promising to take responsibility and getting permission to take Jules to her house. Sympathetic hands patting her back and promising to check on her later. A brief walk to Barbara’s car and a quick ride to her best friend’s house. Then nothing else registered until hours later when the one voice she needed to hear cleared the fog from her brain. 

“Jules, baby, I’m here.” 

As her father pulled her into the safety of his arms, the floodgates opened and she gave into the sobs she’d unconsciously been holding back since the moment her uncle killed her mother in front of her.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

 _Present Day_

“Raf, get it in gear, Jules is making your sorry ass look puny in comparison.” Ed Lane called out during the training exercise. Currently it was a foot race on the obstacle course and Jules was flying through it as if she’d been born on it. From Sam’s position further down the course, his girlfriend’s movements seemed like pure poetry in motion. To give him credit, Raf wasn’t doing badly but his movements weren’t as fluid or as practiced as his female counterpart. 

As the two SRU officers disappeared from Sam’s view behind the four foot wall, he waited to see which would be the first over the wall and then under the cargo net maze that came directly after. Whichever of the two reached Sam first would have to then drag him fifty feet over the finish line. The loser would have to drag the bulkier and heavier practice dummy. He could only hope that it was Jules who had the honor, not only because he wanted to pull for his girlfriend and wanted it to be her hands that pulled him the distance but because he knew if she lost, he’d be spending a couple of hours after work still sitting on the field as she practiced the course over and over again until she felt she’d made up for what she would consider her failure. 

As two figures reached the top of the wall, it was clear that Raf had indeed made up some of the distance he’d lost to Jules at the start of the course. It wasn’t surprising, his longer legs had the advantage on the wall. Then Jules nimbly dropped from the wall as if it were merely a step instead of a four foot drop, intent on not allowing Raf to pull ahead of him. She was at Sam’s side before Raf had barely made entry under the cargo net. Her arms circled his chest under his arms and she lifted him up with a slight grunt as she began to pull him the rest of the way across the field. 

Ed announced her time as she crossed the line and unceremoniously dumped Sam at her feet. She shook her head. “You putting on weight, Samtastic?”

He shook his head. “You’d smack me if I asked you that question.” Then he admitted that Ed had placed several extra weights in the normally thirty pound gear he was wearing. Raf dropped his dummy over the line and put his hands to his knees breathing hard. The newest member to the team shook his head. “Damn, girl. Next time, I want to go up against Spike or anyone else. I don’t guess that bruise last week did you much damage.”

“Not necessarily. She was actually slower by fifteen seconds off her last time.” Ed admitted almost reluctantly. Jules whipped her head around, a frown creasing her features. 

“Seriously? Let me see the chart.” Jules compared the two times. “That can’t be right; let me run it again.” 

Sam groaned; why had Ed said anything. No one else would have been upset about a fifteen second difference after a win but Jules competed against herself first and foremost and couldn’t stand coming up lacking no matter what. Ed shook his head.

“Not today. We have time for Spike and Sam to make their run this afternoon before shift ends. Chalk the extra time up to Sam’s extra flab if it makes you feel better. I was trying to challenge you. You did it so don‘t feel bad.”

Sam shook his head as he removed the extra “flab” as Ed called it and handed it to Raf who would be the human target for his run against Spike. Leaning over he whispered in Jules’s ear so no one else could hear him. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you carry me up the stairs to the bedroom tonight.” 

She lowered her head so that none of the others could see her blush. Sam chuckled warmly as he made his way to the start of the course with Spike. Raf took his position at fifty feet away leaving Jules alone with Ed. The older officer looked down at her. 

“Everything okay, Jules?”

She nodded. “Yeah, fine, why?”

Ed shrugged. “You just haven’t quite been yourself since the call at the school a couple of weeks ago. You know you handled yourself well; there was no way any of us could have known the teacher would have a gun herself. I’m just glad you weren’t seriously hurt.” 

The truth was the call had been weighing on her heavily but not because of the shooting. The kid’s situation had hit a little too close to home but Jules couldn’t admit that to Ed without answering questions she’d rather were never asked. She forced a smile. “Nothing I can’t handle. Where’d Sarge go by the way? He was here when Raf and I got ready to start the course.”

Ed signaled Sam and Spike to begin before shrugging. “Winnie called him back to the barn. Something about a visitor or something.” 

“As long as Larry Toth hasn’t come back for more evals I guess it’ll be okay.“ Jules admitted dryly. She knew he had been instrumental in convincing Commander Holleran to allow Sam and Jules to remain on the team together but she couldn’t completely forget how his evaluations had shaken her and the entire team. 

Ed chuckled and agreed. Then his voice gentled out in a way that she’d only really heard him use before with the baby. The voice that told her that no matter how much he tried to come across as hard and stoic that he was really a big softie at heart. “I know whatever it is you can handle it but remember you don’t have to do it alone. We’re all here for you.”

Jules didn’t answer but reached over and gave the man’s arm a gentle squeeze of thanks before turning her attention back to the race. Sam had left Spike far behind, it wouldn’t even be a contest between the two. She’d often wondered why Ed never pitted the two of them against each other when he was in charge of picking the rotations. She didn’t think it had as much to do with the feelings Ed had always seemed to know the two had for each other but more to do with fear of how competitive they both were in such competitions. 

When the race was over, Ed shook his head and shot Jules a quick wink. “Will it make you feel better about your own time to know that Sam was almost thirty seconds slower than his last time?”

“Marginally but not really.” Jules admitted. Sam shook his head.

“Thirty seconds? No way, you must have started the stopwatch before we started or something.”

“You two really were made for each other.” Spike commented dryly as he regained his breath. 

The team put away the gear and headed up to the barn, joking with each other the entire way. They were about to head to the locker rooms to shower and change for the end of shift when Raf stopped suddenly. “Who’s that with Sarge?”

Sitting in the debriefing room with Greg was a man none of them recognized except for Jules. She chewed on her bottom lip as she contemplated what could have brought him there. Sam saw the change in her and touched her arm. “You okay? You know him?”

“It’s my father.” She admitted softly. Sam was surprised because she never talked about her family all that much even though he was pretty sure father and daughter had a much warmer relationship than he had with his own father. She took a couple of wooden steps toward the debriefing room but Sam stopped her again. 

“Want me to come with you?” He offered quietly. He didn’t really expect her to agree; she’d always kept her family life private even from him. Even though it was what he’d expected, her refusal still hurt. Glancing around to make sure no one was watching he pressed a quick kiss to her head before turning to join the others in the locker room. 

Jules entered the briefing room. “Dad?”

Jack Callaghan didn’t stand as she came in. Jules felt herself starting to shake as she took in his physical appearance and sickly expression. Greg, looking pensive and worried, gave her shoulder as squeeze before stepping out of the room. Sinking into a chair, she reached out and took her father’s hand in her own. She could feel the slight tremble and it scared her even more to think her normally strong father could seem so weak. 

“Daddy, what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

He sighed and looked at her. The rims of his eyes were red and she could tell he’d been crying recently. “Yeah, Jules, I’m sick but not in the way you’re thinking. I got a call this morning from the prison.” Despite the fact that there were several correctional facilities in the area, he didn’t have to elaborate to know which one he was referring to. Her stomach did flip flops as she waited for him to continue. There were only two paths this conversation could take and only one of them could explain her father’s sick expression. She wanted to stick her fingers in her ears and run from the room where she couldn’t hear what he had to say. She lowered her head, unable to meet his eyes. He reached out and lifted her chin, not allowing her to look away. “Jules, there’s no easy way to say this. At the end of the week, your uncle will be released. Your mother’s killer is about to be a free man and there‘s not a damn thing we can do about it.”


	7. Chapter 7

_1992_

“Jack, someone’s here to see you.” Barbara led the uniformed officer into the living room where Jack Callaghan was sitting just staring out into space. 

He blinked a couple of times before looking at the visitor. It had been two days since he’d arrived home to find his wife had been murdered and his daughter traumatized almost to the point of catatonia. Somehow just his presence had broken through whatever barrier that had seemed to trap her and she’d broken down in his arms . Things had improved just slightly after that, at least enough that he didn’t worry that they should have taken the teenager to the hospital but not so much that he didn’t worry at all. He felt almost like he’d aged ten years for every minute that had passed in those two days and he couldn’t help but wonder if his partner’s sudden appearance was a good or bad sign of what was to come. 

“Bard, tell me you found her.” He all but pleaded with his friend. 

“Still no sign of a cat, I’m afraid. We were in and out of your house so much the other night it could have slipped out at any time and none of us would have noticed. We’ve been putting food out and keeping our eyes open but nothing yet.“ 

Jack frowned. So far Jules hadn’t asked about her kitten but he figured it was only a matter of time. After everything else that had happened, how could he explain the loss of her pet at the same time. He could only hope the kitten would come home soon; hopefully before Jules snapped back enough to herself to ask about Boxer. If Bard wasn’t there to report the kitten had been found, then why had he come? There was still so much about what happened that night was still unknown. There were still way too many questions Jack still had that so far no one had been able to offer any answers for. “Anything new in the investigation?”

Bard Jenkins had worked alongside Jack Callaghan for many years and felt like he knew the family as well as he knew his own. He, like everyone at the station, had been horrified and sickened at the murder affecting one of their own. “We still don’t know much more. We think the initial struggle happened in the kitchen; there were broken dishes and blood there. How she and the suspect ended up upstairs and how Jules got involved is still a mystery. One we aren‘t going to solve until we are able to get statements from someone who was there.”

Jack swore. For the last two days he, Bard, and even the station psychologist had tried to get Jules to open up about what had happened the night of the murder. Each attempt had met with failure to the point that the psychologist had finally determined it would probably be better for the distraught teen if they put off questioning her any further at least until Jules seemed more receptive to talking about it on her own. “Johnny still not saying anything?”

Bard shrugged and sat down on the couch. Barbara had slipped out after announcing his presence but returned long enough to bring the officer a mug of coffee and then to replenish Jack’s before disappearing into the kitchen once again. Jack didn’t know what he would have done without the mother of his daughter’s best friend. She’d taken them into her home without a complaint and had gone out of her way to be there for them both and for the Callaghan brothers as they dealt with the aftermath of Margaret‘s murder. “Johnny is being transferred from the hospital to a jail cell this morning. Your daughter is one bad-ass shot with your gun, let me tell you. The bullet she put in him went clean through, incapacitating him without doing any permanent damage. We‘ve got guys on the force who wouldn‘t have been able to make that shot under perfect circumstances.” Ordinarily the compliment would have had Jack beaming with pride but the situation had been too scary for him to take much pride in the way his daughter had taken down his wife’s killer. Bard continued. “He finally told us this morning he’d give us a statement on one condition.”

“Like the asshole has a right to any conditions.” Jack growled. “I haven’t wrapped my hands around his measly little neck and chocked the life out of him; isn’t that concession enough?”

“He wants five minutes to talk to Julianna.” Bard braced himself for the explosion that he knew was coming and wasn’t disappointed. 

“Hell no, that bastard isn’t getting anywhere near my little girl. How can you even sit there and present it as an idea? Have you forgotten how fragile she looked yesterday when you tried to question her? The way she hyperventilated and almost collapsed into hysterics? There’s no way I’m going to let him hurt her any more.”

“He wouldn’t be able to hurt her, Jack. You know that. Even if we couldn’t hear what he said to her, we’d be right there on the other side of the two way keeping an eye on her. He didn’t hurt her two nights ago so there’s no reason to think he’d even try anything.”

“Didn’t hurt her? Maybe not physically, Bard, but you’ve seen her. She’s just a shell of her usual self. She can’t talk about that night at all and barely says anything else any other time. She’s barely eaten enough in the last two days to even count as eating. I wasn’t there to protect her or Margaret when it mattered but I’m sure as hell going to protect Jules now. Just in case you have any doubt as to what my answer in this is, let me spell it out for you. N-O.”

Bard did a slow count to ten before answering. He hated being here asking so much from a family who’d suffered so much already, but at the same time, he wouldn’t want to put off the responsibility to anyone else. “Even if it means he goes free?”

Jack’s eyes narrowed and became dangerously dark. “That can’t happen. You told me his prints were on the knife that was used to kill Margaret. How can there be any question that he’s responsible?”

“Because you know as well as I do that the DA is going to want more than just prints on a knife before he carries the case forward. He’s after all of us at the station for a statement from Julianna. I don’t want to pressure her to talk before she’s ready. Don’t forget I was the one who carried her out of the house that night and the expression on her face will haunt my dreams for the foreseeable future. But Johnny Dawson has promised his full cooperation just as long as he gets to see Jules for five minutes. I don’t like it any more than you do but I don’t see where we have much choice.”

Neither man realized they had a audience to their conversation. Jules had been on her way from the bedroom she’d been sharing with Beth since the tragedy to the kitchen for a drink of water when she’d heard her father and his partner talking. She was shaking at the mere thought of being in a room alone with her uncle. How she’d managed to keep anyone from figuring out exactly what Johnny had done to her, she’d never understand but was forever grateful. 

The first thing she’d noticed after her father’s arrival brought her out of the stupor she’d entered after pulling the trigger was that someone -- she presumed Barbara -- had removed the clothes she’d been wearing that had become drenched in her mother’s blood. It had unnerved her a little to think of someone undressing her but she’d at least been grateful to discover she’d still been wearing the same underwear she’d had on during Johnny’s attack. Because of that, no one had noticed the blood that lightly stained the undergarments, blood that had been drawn as her uncle’s fingers had repeatedly worked their way in and out of her sensitive private area. It had scared her when she saw it the first time she’d gone to the bathroom but was glad she hadn’t had to explain it. 

If anyone had noticed the blood there, they must have associated it either with her mother’s blood or possibly attributed it to her menstrual cycle. Either way, what had happened both nights was a secret only she and Johnny currently knew. She didn’t think she could stand it if everyone was privy to her degradation. Couldn’t live with the shame that would come if people knew she’d been too weak to fight against his advances at the same time her mother had been crawling up the stairs bleeding from what was probably an already fatal wound in order to protect her. 

“I can’t ask it of her, Bard. She’s been through too much. I can make her face her mother’s murderer when she’s clearly not up to it. Hell, call me selfish but I couldn’t watch her do it without wanting to kill the bastard for what he did. The only thing that kept me from going down to that hospital and putting a bullet between his eyes was the knowledge that he hadn’t laid a hand on Jules.”

Bard shook his head. “Careful with that kind of talk. Even though we can all sympathize with the sentiment and secretly applaud you for doing so, such actions would only land you in a jail cell yourself.”

“If that asshole had done anything to my baby girl a jail cell for me would be a small price to pay for making him suffer.”

With a strangled cry, Jules pushed off from the wall she’d been leaning against and practically raced to her father’s arms. Both men seemed surprised at her entrance as Jack sought to comfort her. The look he shot his partner over his daughter’s head spoke volumes. See why she can’t do what you are asking? Just hearing about it upsets her this much. He rubbed her back gently and whispered soothing words in her ear. 

After a couple of minutes, Jules pulled back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She never wanted to see Johnny again much less be alone in a room with him. But perhaps if she agreed to see him, she could convince him that nobody needed to know exactly what had transpired between them either night. She had to protect her father in a way she hadn’t been able to protect her mother. “Daddy, I heard what the two of you were talking about. If it’ll help, I’ll see him.”

“Are you sure, Jules?” Bard probed gently. “Your dad and I would be just outside the room the entire time. And if you discover it’s too hard, you can put a stop to it immediately.”

“She’s not doing it, Bard. I’m not putting her through whatever the hell Johnny is trying to pull.” Jack’s tone was even but it was clear he expected no argument. 

Before she could talk herself out of it, Jules protested. “I can do it, Daddy. I know I’ve let you down the last couple of days but I promise you I’m strong enough to do this.”

Jack cupped her face in his hands and thumbed away the tears that had lingered after her swipe. “What’s this about letting me down? If anything I let you and your mother down. If I’d been here instead of out of town at that stupid training that I could have done without, I would have been there to stop Johnny.”

“Please, Daddy. Let me do this for Mom. I want to do it.” Then she decided want wasn’t the right word so she amended her statement quickly. “No, I need to do this.”

“You sure?“ Jack carefully schooled his features so his worry didn’t show. Everything in him said it was a bad idea; that putting Jules in a room alone with the monster who’d killed her mother was just asking for trouble. But the look she was giving him cut him straight the core. Did she really think this was something she had to do in order to prove something to him or even to herself? Could he really justify not allowing her to try if she was this adamant about it? “All right, but I’m going to be right on the other side of the mirror and he tries anything or it looks like it’s too difficult for you I’m pulling you out of there before you can say ‘dang skippy.’ Understand?”

She nodded and hugged him again. With her head on her father’s shoulder, she peeked over at Bard. “When are we going to do this?” Part of her hoped he said right away, before she had time to think about what she agreed to do and chicken out. The other part of her was hoping it would never happen. 

Bard really hated what he was asking of the family but understanding that the alternative could be worse. He hadn’t been lying when he told Jack earlier there was a chance that Johnny could go free but he hadn’t explained the full extent of the problem. The circumstantial evidence aside, they were also having to fight against the rampant speculation running around the station, even among those who considered Jack a good friend. The commander was keeping some aspects of the case closely under raps in order not to fuel the rumors going around that maybe the Callaghan family wasn’t so innocent in everything. The biggest secret being kept, so far even from Jack himself, was the coroner’s report that showed that Margaret’s blood alcohol level was well above the norm. “How about after lunch? In fact, let me treat you both to lunch before we head to the station.”

Jack held his breath waiting for Jules to reply. Bard’s invitation would call for Jules to do two of the things she’d been most reluctant to do for the last two days: leave Barbara‘s house and eat a full meal. Yesterday, after he’d received word that their home was no longer a closed crime scene, he’d convinced her to at least go to the house to pack a bag of things she would need here at Barbara’s. Everything seemed fine until she crossed the threshold into her childhood home. That’s when she began to shake uncontrollable until she at last turned and fled the house without so much as a word. He chased after her but didn’t catch up with her until she was already halfway back to Barbara’s. As far as food, he didn’t think she’d eaten more than a few bites at a time.

“I don’t think I’d be able to keep anything down.” Jules admitted quietly. “Would you be upset if we just did this meeting and call it a day?”

Bard nodded. He hoped Johnny would do the honorable thing and confess to his crime without making things any worse for the Callaghan family. They needed to be able to put the nastiness of the tragedy behind them so they could properly honor the memory of the wife and mother they had all lost. They hadn’t even been able to hold the funeral yet. He stood up and offered both father and daughter a sad smile. “I hope you both realize that I really do wish there was some other way to get the information we need.”

Jack reached out and shook his partner’s hand. “I know, Bard. I know. Jules and I’ll be in to the station around one. That okay?”

Bard agreed and let himself out of the house. Once alone in the living room, Jack shifted slightly so that Jules was still snuggled to him but he could see her face. “Sweetheart, are you really sure about this? I know you think you have to do this for your mama but I have to worry about what’s best for you. If you think this is going to be too difficult, tell me and I’ll call Bard and tell him to find a different way to get Johnny to talk. Hell, I’ll go in your place and let my fists do the talking before I let him cause you a moment of pain.”

Jules closed her eyes so he wouldn’t be able to read any of the emotions that might be reflected there. From the moment Johnny had left her little choice but to allow him to do what he wanted to with her, she had felt like her life had spiraled so out of control she didn’t know if she’d ever get it back to normal. No matter how bad things seemed on the inside, she owed it to her father and to her mother’s memory not to let it show on the outside. She couldn’t force even the hint of a smile as she cracked her eyes open once again. “I’m okay. I can do it.”

Jack nodded, not really believing her but not wanting to make things any more difficult on her than they already were. “Okay.”

\-- FP --

“Will you be able to hear what he says?” Jules asked several hours later as she stood outside the interrogation room where in just moments she would once more be face to face with the man who had taken over her nightmares.

Bard shook his head. “No but your dad and I will be right here the whole time and we’ll be able to see everything. He’s handcuffed to his chair so he won’t be able to hurt you. If at any time you want to stop the meeting, just go to the door and knocked. There will be an officer just on the other side and he’ll let you out. I’m proud of you for doing this, Jules.”

He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze to which Jules carefully controlled her reactions not to jerk away. With shaky legs, she stepped inside the room and got her first good look of the man who had hurt her and killed her mother. With the exception of the padded sling that covered his left arm, immobilizing the shoulder she’d effectively put a bullet through, he didn’t look any different than he had the last time she’d seen him. His eyes were on her from the minute she walked in and she could almost imagine him mentally undressing her. It took everything in her not to tug at her shirt uncomfortably, pulling it closer to make sure she was completely covered despite the fact that she was wearing a long sleeve turtleneck that showed no skin at all. 

“JAC, I’m glad you came. I’d stand up to greet you but I’m a little attached to my chair at the moment.” He raised his right hand just slightly so that she could see the handcuff that assured he wouldn’t be leaving his seat. A further glance showed that two more handcuffs were working together to secure his sling-encased left hand to the same side of the chair that his right hand was attached to as well. It should have made her feel better to know he was completely incapacitated but even at that, her feet felt like they were encased in cement with every step she took into the room to the chair on the far side of the table. His smirk turned her stomach and she was glad she‘d resisted Barbara‘s attempts to get her to eat before she left. “You look as beautiful as ever.”

She couldn’t meet his gaze; couldn’t stand to see the wolfish way he stared at her, like he was some sort of starved man and she was the first morsel of food he’d seen in weeks. “Bard said you wouldn’t give them a statement unless you saw me.”

“I wanted to tell you I was sorry.” His words sounded sincere but his tone and expression said otherwise. Jules remembered her mother apologizing to her the day after Johnny had killed Boxer and wanted to burst into tears. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction though. She forced her head up, meeting him eye to eye for the first time. 

“What are you sorry for? Murdering my mother? Your own sister? Or for the sick and twisted things you did to me before that?”

He looked shocked. “Sick? Twisted? I don’t seem to remember you fighting me. No, I’m sorry because we didn’t get a chance to finish what we started. I’m also sorry that I got so upset our first night together when you did that very naughty thing that I didn’t warn you of the consequences of telling anybody about what was going on between us.”

“Naughty?” Jules shook her head. “You mean throwing up because you were practically choking me with your….with your…” 

Johnny laughed. “So innocent that you can’t even say the word. That’s one of the things I love most about you JAC. I should have told you what would happen if you talked but I didn’t. You told your mom what happened and I had to kill her. Don’t you see, I didn’t have a choice. You told your mom and she didn’t understand. She would have stopped us from being together so I had to kill her. If you had only kept your mouth shut, your mother would still be alive right now.”

Logically Jules didn’t believe a word he said about it being her fault. He was the one who had repeated stabbed her mother and the blame lay directly with him. Still, his words cut to the very core of her guilt and grief. “I didn’t tell her…”

“Don’t lie to me, Little Girl. She told me you told her. Not to mention, she knew things about us that she couldn’t have known unless you spilled your guts.”

Jules shook her head. “She knew something had happened after she cleaned up the mess you left in my bedroom. I only confirmed what she believed happened.”

“Still you talked and your mother paid the price. Do you know how horrible it was for me to have to do that to my own flesh and blood? I’ve got to live with that for the rest of my life but I didn’t ask to see you just in order to make sure you knew your responsibility in this. I wanted to tell you that I’m willing to make a full confession. Plead guilty and save you from having to testify against me in court.”

It was almost too much for Jules to hope for. She couldn’t bring herself to even think about those last minutes of her mother’s life, of how she’d watched her uncle plunge the that knife in her mother’s chest -- she had to break off her thoughts before she made herself sick. If she couldn’t think about what happened how could she testify in a court full of strangers? Still, she was learning that things were never that simple with her uncle.

“What would I have to do in return? Quid pro quo, after all.” She knew he was handcuffed to the chair and that her father and his partner were on the other side of the two-way mirror. Knew that her uncle couldn’t expect the same type of return for his so-called generosity that he’d asked from her when he’d offered to help her save Boxer. But what if it were something worse? Could anything be worse than what she’d already suffered?

Johnny laughed. “You’re learning, Little Girl. Don’t look so squeamish. All I want in return from you is your silence. I’m thinking you haven’t made the mistake of telling your daddy or any of his police buddies what we shared. All the questions that have been bandied about me since I woke up in the hospital with the nice little hole in my shoulder you provided me with, none of them concerned our special relationship. All I want from you is for it to stay that way. As long as no one else finds about you and me, I’ll take the full blame for your mother’s death.”

Her heart skipped a beat. The sole reason she agreed to meet with Johnny was to beg him not to tell anyone what he’d done to her. Now he was handing her that on a plate with a full confession. It was almost too much to ask for but could it really be that easy? “Why would you do that?”

“I love you, JAC and I don’t want you to get hurt. What we shared was special and nobody else would understand it like we would. You daddy sure wouldn’t. He’d come in here and put his career and freedom on the line just to put his fist in my face for doing things to his daughter he’s not ready for any man to experience with you. The courts wouldn’t understand; they’d start wanting to add other charges that would make what we shared seem dirty and wrong. They might also think you were complicit with your mother’s death. You could go to jail as well.”

Her eyes narrowed. Complicit? How could they think she had anything to do with her mother’s death? Despite her feelings of guilt that maybe her mother would still be alive if she’d somehow handled what her uncle did to her differently, she didn’t see how the court would hold her criminally responsible. “What do you mean?”

“I’m willing to make a full confession that I was solely responsible for what happened to Margaret. I’ll serve my time without complaint. So long as there’s no talk about the sexual nature of our relationship. You tell anyone what we shared and I’ll retract my confession. I’ll make them give me a full trial and I’ll offer any kind of defense that could either get me off or a reduced sentence. I’ll tell them that you begged me to kill Margaret. That you were sick of her drinking and her abuse and couldn’t handle it anymore. I’ll tell them you seduced me in order to get me to do what you wanted. I’ll tell them I was paid to kill her, paid not with money but with your sexual favors.”

A chill ran right through her and she was pretty sure if someone took an x-ray of her insides right then, they would discover that all of her internal organs were now in different positions thanks to the round of musical chairs it felt like they had just played in her body. It was hard for her to catch her breath but still she did her best not to show any distress. The last thing she needed right then was for her father to come rushing in to see what was wrong. “That’s not what happened at all and you know it. Nobody would believe it.”

He shrugged, looking more like he was debating whether to get pepperoni or sausage on a pizza rather than her mother‘s death. “Maybe not everyone but some would. The rest of your life people-- your own father-- would look at you and wonder just how much of it was true. Is that what you want? Can you handle people smirking behind your back and pointing accusatory fingers in your directions? Your father would be shamed out of town; your brothers would be disgusted; every guy you met for the rest of your life would question your sexual advances, wondering what you wanted in return for the pleasure they were giving you. Is that what you want?”

She shook her head. Her choice was simple really. She didn’t want anyone to know about her humiliation anyway. She’d never imagined that it could get even worse. “I won’t say anything.”

Johnny smiled and leaned forward in his chair as far as his restraints would allow. “I knew I could count on you. You’ll see; it’ll be much better this way. I’m just sorry that I’m going to have to go away and not see you again for a long time. I won’t get to see you grow more and more beautiful; won’t get to enjoy your kisses or the feel of your body against mine. I wish I could at least kiss you goodbye but I don’t think we should risk it with people watching. But don’t worry, JAC; I doubt I’ll be in prison forever. I’ll get out one day and then we can be together forever. It’ll be perfect.”

Jules slowly rose, her legs even more shaky than before. At her simple knock, the door opened immediately and a couple seconds later, her father was crushing her against his chest. She wanted a hole to open up in the floor beneath her and just swallow her whole. She’d gotten what she’d wanted when she entered the room but she almost felt that it came with a price too heavy for her to pay. But she kept those feelings buried deep inside her. There was no way she could allow her father or anyone else to see the shattered girl she felt like she was on the inside. 

Jack Callaghan pulled back a little to study her carefully. “It was killing me to see you sitting in there with that monster. How are you, Sweetheart?”

“I’m okay.” Jules tried to convince herself that it wasn’t a complete lie even though she knew she was far from okay at that moment. She looked back over at Bard. “He’s ready to give his statement.”

Bard nodded and stopped just before patting her back. Despite her words, she looked ready to fall apart at any moment. Instead, he stepped into the interrogation room and closed the door behind him. Jules looked up at her father, her eyes slightly pleading.

“Can we go home now?”

“Anything you want, Darling. Anything you want.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

 _Present Day_

Sam Braddock had taken maybe the fastest shower of his life and had changed into civilian clothes before the rest of the guys had barely stepped into their own shower. He didn’t know why Jules’s father had shown up at work but he couldn’t help but think it couldn’t be for a good reason. In the time he’d been with the SRU, he hadn’t known Jack Callaghan to show up announced let alone for a surprise visit. If something was wrong, he wanted to be there for Jules, even if she didn’t want to tell him what was wrong. 

It was one of the hardest things about his relationship with the beautiful but tough female member of the team, one of the things he still had to constantly work on. Jules was a private person and didn’t like to share her feelings with anyone -- even those she cared about. At times he really had to put aside his own hurt feelings at being kept at a distance as she dealt with something that was bothering her and remind himself that it wasn’t that she didn’t trust him enough to include him but preferred to sort out her problems in her own head first. So long as he could do that, she would accept his presence and support without feeling like she had to share the feelings she was more comfortable keeping inside. As a person who wanted to step in and fix things, Sam found it a constant battle. 

Stepping out of the locker room, Sam slowly approached the briefing room. Mr. Callaghan was still sitting there looking worried and upset but there was no sign of Jules anywhere. Sam stopped and looked from the briefing room back toward Jules’s locker room, debating what his next move should be. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there in indecision before an unfamiliar voice called out to him. 

“You might as well come on in, Son. Jules needed a moment to herself. She’ll be back in a minute.” 

At Jack’s invitation, Sam came all the way into the briefing room. Jules’s father rose and held out his hand in greeting. “Jack Callaghan. I’m going out on a limb and presume you must be Sam.”

Surprised, Sam accepted the gesture, shaking the older man’s hand firmly. How had Jack known his name? He was pretty sure Jules wasn’t the type to talk about her relationships with her family. Not because she was embarrassed about him or even that she wanted to keep their relationship that much of a secret but because that was just another part of herself that she kept private. Two months earlier, the two of them had gone out to dinner and run into one of Jules’s brothers. It had bothered him that she’d introduced him as a co-worker. When he asked her about it later, she’d laughed off his concern asking him if he had really wanted to endure the “what are your intentions and just what makes you think you are good enough to date my little sister” third degree that would have followed if she’d introduced him as her boyfriend? “Yes sir. Sam Braddock.”

“Figured you must be. You were hovering more like a worried boyfriend instead of a concerned coworker.” Sam’s surprise must have been evident because Jack forced a little chuckle. “Yeah, I know about you and your relationship with my little girl. Not that Jules ever tells me about her boyfriends. Her brother ratted the two of you out after he ran into the two of you at dinner. Peter told me she’d pulled the old innocent ‘he’s a coworker’ line but that it was pretty obvious that you were head over heels in love with Jules and that it looked like you made her happy. I’m glad she has someone, especially right now.”

Sam looked around the room, his worry about Jules growing. “Is everything okay, Sir?”

Jack sighed. “Not really. I had to give my little girl some news I have dreaded having to deliver but knew was coming eventually. I probably shouldn’t have done it here at work but thought maybe it would be easier for her to deal with here than somewhere more private. Should have known it wouldn’t make much of a difference where she found out; that it was going to come as a blow no matter what. She ran off toward the locker room after I told her. I thought she’d be back by now though.”

Sam wanted to ask what the news was but didn’t want to pry. He glanced back over at the locker room. “Want me to check on her?”

Jack nodded and returned to his seat. “Yeah, if you don’t mind.”

Without a second thought, Sam turned on his heel and plunged straight into the female locker room with barely a rap on the door. It wouldn’t be his first journey into the room meant for the females only. He used to be a lot more tentative in his venturing but that had lessened after their relationship had become public knowledge. But even at that, he didn‘t make a habit of pushing his luck by entering just on some whim. “Jules? Everything okay?” 

The room was empty. Just to be sure, he checked out every possible hiding spot but there was no sign of Jules anywhere. A quick look in her locker showed that the keys to her jeep were gone. Had she left completely? They had rode into work together. She wouldn’t have left without him even if she were upset, would she? He leaned against a counter for a moment. What news had Jack given his daughter? What could possibly have upset her that much? After a moment of reflection he stepped out of the locker room to see that Greg was once more entering the briefing room. He joined the two older men. “She wasn’t in there.”

“I saw Jules leaving the building a few minutes ago.” Greg reported. “I could tell she was upset and tried to get her to talk to me. She just ignored me and kept going in typical Jules fashion. I’m sorry Jack.”

The former cop shook his head. “Don’t be. Jules has resisted talking about this subject for twenty years now. Shouldn’t have expected anything different now. I knew she wasn’t going to take it well. But I couldn’t let her find out some other way; it would have been the coward’s way.”

Greg frowned. He cared about everyone on the team; felt like a father figure to them all -- including Ed who wasn’t much younger than he was at all. However, there was no denying that Jules held a special place in his heart that no one else he’d ever worked with could ever hope to share. She was the daughter he’d never had. He felt protective toward her in a way that had very little to do with the promise he’d once made the man sitting before him now that he’d watch over her. “Has he served his full sentence? Seems like it’s a little soon for him to be released.”

“He was sentenced to twenty-five years but he’s being released early due to good behavior. I knew at his sentencing that we’d be lucky if he served much more than half his term so I guess I should be glad he’s stayed in jail this long.” Seeing Sam’s confused look, Jack explained. “The man who killed Jules’s mother is being released from jail by the end of the week.”

Sam was shocked. Jules had talked about her family a little, enough for him to know that her father had been a cop and that she had four older brothers and that her mother had died when she was teenager. But she’d never given any indication that her mother’s death had been as a result of a murder. “I had no idea. Jules never told me.”

“I’m the only one here that knew, Sam.” Greg explained gently. “I doubt even I would have known if I hadn’t once worked with Jack in my younger days on the force. She and I dance around the issue every year when it gets to be time for the psych evals. We’ll pretend there’s some other reason she hates them so much but we both know she’s worried some question will come up about how she feels about her mother’s death. I’ve gone out of my way to keep the information quiet, especially with the last evals. I’d hate to think what would have happened if Toth had had that nugget of ammunition against her.”

Sam shuddered at the thought. Toth had turned out to be a decent guy but there was no denying that the older man had a way of picking at scabs until they once more became gaping wounds to the soul. He didn’t want to picture what that would have done to Jules. “Would have been worse than his questions about our secret relationship.”

Greg nodded. “Jules is tough, we all know that. But we also know she’s not as tough as she believes herself to be. She might fight it with all she’s worth but this news is going to bring all kinds of memories to the surface that she doesn’t want to face. Whether she wants to admit it or not, she’s going to need someone to pick up the pieces. Sam, where do you think she’d go after leaving here?”

“Home.” Sam didn’t hesitate with his answer. “If she’s upset and doesn’t want to admit it then she’s going to go home and throw herself into whatever do-it-yourself project she’s currently working on.”

“And if by some strange quirk of fate, she isn’t currently working on a project, she’ll create one just to throw herself into.” Jack added, making it clear that Sam was right in his assessment of Jules. 

“She’s turning one of the downstairs rooms into some sort of grand dining room. She’s already painted the room a couple of different times and has been talking about some sort of decorative thing-a-mi-jig she wants to put on the lower half of the walls.”

“That’s where she’ll be.” Jack agreed. He looked up at Sam. “You’ll go with me and tell me how to get to her house? She might need the both of us. I’ll even fill you in on the details while I drive. Might be the only way you hear them.”

“Yes, Sir.” Sam agreed. Before they could leave, Greg made them promise to call him if there was anything he could do to help. The two men promised and then left the headquarters. 

During the drive, Jack supplied the details that they knew about his wife’s murder. Sam’s gut twisted at the idea that Jules had been forced to watch her mother die at the hands of her uncle. Once Jack finished, Sam shook his head. “Did he ever say why he snapped?”

Jack shrugged. “Johnny apparently had some mental issues we didn’t know about. From the story he gave, he had apparently had an argument with Margret earlier in the day and she’d kicked him out of the house. He got mad and came back later intent on getting revenge. He stabbed her and thought he’d killed her and went upstairs intent on killing Jules as well. Somehow Margret found the strength to get my shot gun and followed him. Jules got my gun and shot him before he could hurt her as well.”

Sam whistled lowly. He guessed he couldn’t really blame Jules for not wanting to relive such a horrible memory. “Must have been some argument.”

Jack nodded. “Like I said, Johnny had problems we didn’t know about. One of those problems apparently centered on the fact that he had penchant for hurting animals. I had brought home a kitten someone had dumped at the station. Jules loved that little kitten more than anything else I could have given her.”

Suddenly things made sense to Sam. The hurt in her eyes when Jules had talked to Samantha Harper during that hot call and her later reluctance to talk to him about the pet she’d lost and her reticence about accepting the kitten he’d gotten from Wordy, it was all so obvious to him now. He inwardly cursed himself for the memories he must have inadvertently brought up for the woman he loved. “He killed the cat didn’t he?”

Jack nodded. “I didn’t even know he killed Boxer until I read the statement. I thought the kitten had gotten out of the house the night of the murder and had been lost. I was avoiding telling her that we couldn’t find her pet and all along she’d been grieving the loss of her mother and Boxer. It kills me that she had to go through all that but at the same time her strength blows me away. How could I complain if she was just a little more withdrawn with her emotions after everything she’d seen that night?”

Sam understood Jules better after that conversation with her father than he had after spending a couple of years getting to know her. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and never let her go. He knew that it couldn’t change what she’d been through but at least he could let her know that he would stop at nothing to make sure she was okay now. 

Jack pulled into the driveway that Sam directed him to and the younger man was relived to see Jules’s jeep already parked there. She was home just as he had predicted. The two men left the car and Sam bypassed his girlfriend’s father as he ran up the walkway to the front door, his keys already out. Unlocking the front door that he knew would be locked even if she was inside, he threw open the door and listened for any sound that would identify Jules’s current location. The silence unnerved him more than any silence ever had in his entire life, even more so after he’d been caught almost too close to a mortar attack while in Afghanistan and had woken up in the infirmary temporarily deafened by the noise of the blast. 

“Jules?” He called out desperate to break the silence. Once Jack had stepped inside as well, he closed the front door and automatically locked it once again. Now he wondered if the obsession Jules had about it stemmed from the night her mother had been killed. So many things about her that he’d just chalked up to being an odd but lovable quirk he now questioned in light of this new information. 

“Dining room you said?” Jack’s voice was quiet in contrast to his own almost frantic shout. Sam nodded and led the way through the house toward the room he’d found Jules painting in the middle of the night not that long ago. 

Sure enough, she was sitting cross-legged on the floor attaching two inch wide wooden stakes that were pointed at the top to the lower half of the wall. Without waiting to see if she’d noticed their presence, Sam crossed the room and knelt beside her. She looked up at him, her face pale but eyes surprisingly dry and not red. Just a hint of a blush crept into her cheeks as she realized both Sam and her father were in the room with her. Sam leaned down and kissed her softly, not caring that her father was standing there watching him. 

“Your dad filled me in on what was going on.” Sam supplied, hoping she heard in his voice that he understood why she had never said anything. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry I left like I did. I didn’t intend to run out like that but suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I had to get some fresh air. Once I was outside, I was in my jeep and driving away before I realized what I was doing.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry I had to drop that bombshell on you like I did.” Her father offered from where he was standing in the middle of the room. 

“It’s okay.” Jules assured him, but the slight shake in her hand on Sam’s arm suggested a different story. “It came as a shock but I’m okay.”

For a moment, Sam was transported back to his early days at the SRU. They had worked a hot call in the mall where Jules had been forced to save a teenage girl who had threatened to jump to her certain death. In the course of rescuing her, Jules had been slammed against the wall pretty brutally. Later, after they’d arrived back at the barn, he’d made his first venture into the locker room to check on her. Then, Jules had insisted she was okay and had continued to insist that she was okay with every attempt he made to fully ascertain her true condition. At the time, he thought she was just putting him off. It was only later when she was recovering from the bullet wound that had almost ended her life, that he realized that okay was her standard answer even if it was going to take a while before she really was fine. 

“I made a few calls after I got the news.” Jack continued. “Johnny may be released but he’ll still be on probation for at least the next year. He’ll go from the prison to a halfway house so he’ll have a short leash still. If he’s smart he won’t even try to make contact with any of us.”

“Right.” Jules agreed but it didn’t sound to Sam like she had much confidence in her answer. He brushed away a smudge of paint from her cheek, wondering how she’d gotten it when she wasn’t even painting at the moment. 

“I think you and your dad probably need to talk through some things. Why don’t I go pick something up for supper and give the two of you some time alone. Chinese sound good to everyone?”

Father and daughter agreed and Sam gave Jules another kiss before leaving the room. For a moment, neither Jack nor Jules said anything. Jules returned to the project at hand and after a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Jack joined her on the floor and started to help. He nodded around the room appreciatively. “You’re doing a great job in here. The whole house actually. I can tell you’ve put a lot of love and time in restoring it.”

“I had a good teacher.” Jules admitted. She’d always enjoyed working side by side with her father on the different home improvement projects but never had it been so important to her as it had in the weeks and months that had followed her mother’s death. Returning home had felt like returning to the scene of the crime and would send her into panic attacks with every attempt no matter how much she wanted to be strong enough not to let it bother her. Finally Jack had realized that he had two choices, either move or completely renovate the house to remove all reminders of what had happened. He’d worked by himself until Jules had felt comfortable helping him and then the two had worked side by side until her childhood home felt like a brand new place. 

Despite the fact that Sam had left in order to give them time to talk, their conversation centered more the renovation project than the impending release of Johnny Dawson. Still, by the time Sam returned with the Chinese take-out, Jules looked more composed and more herself. The three ate dinner but no talk centered around the event that was clearly on each of their minds. Once dinner was over Jack had said his goodbyes. The young couple invited him to stay the night but he had declined, saying he needed to get back home. 

Jules returned to her project and Sam didn’t protest, recognizing she needed the activity to keep her mind off what was going on. He had started off watching her in case she felt the need to talk but then heading off to the living room to watch television when it became clear that she wasn’t going to. When midnight approached and Jules still didn’t seem to be showing signs of slowing down, he did step in. 

“Jules, we have to work in the morning. Come on to bed. All of this will still be here tomorrow.” Reluctantly, she had put aside her work and allowed him to lead her up the stairs. She even gave in to his suggestion that they conserve water by taking a shower together. He slowly undressed her and himself and led her to the bathroom where the steamed mirrors were a by product of more than just the hot water filling the room. 

Once they were in bed together, Sam lazily ran his fingers up and down her arm. Jules looked up at him, her expression pensive. “Sam, are you mad that I never told you how my mom died?”

Sam shook his head and kissed her lightly on the forehead. “No, I pretty much get it. After all, it’s not like I go out of my way to talk about my sister’s death. I’m just sorry you had to go through that and I’m sorry the SOB responsible didn’t rot in jail like he should have.”

“I knew he’d be released some time.” Jules admitted softly, snuggling closer into Sam’s embrace. “I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that it’s happening now. Doesn’t make it any easier though.”

For a moment they were quiet, each lost in thoughts neither was willing to voice at the moment. Finally Sam cleared his throat. “Jules, your dad told me what happened to the kitten you had. I feel like a heel insisting on getting you a pet when I didn’t know what happened to your old one. It was clear you didn’t want to talk about it and now I get why. If having Patches reminds you too much of what happened twenty years ago….”

“No, it’s okay. I won’t lie; it was really hard at first but I’ve kind of gotten attached to him now.”

Sam nodded, relieved that she wasn’t mad at him about it. He tucked her in as close to his body as he could and kissed her again. “I know him getting out of jail is a tough blow but I bet your dad is right. I bet he’ll be smart enough to keep his distance.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” Jules agreed, her tone carefully neutral. She waited until Sam had drifted off to sleep before slipping out of bed and retrieving her pants that had been discarded earlier. She slipped the envelope out that she’d shoved away unopened upon checking the mail when she got home. The causally scrawled writing on the address was all too familiar to her even in the dark of the bedroom. At least once a year for the past twenty years she’d received a similarly addressed letter from the same location. Before she’d always burned them without even reading the contents. When she’d found this envelope waiting for her in the mailbox after learning about her uncle’s upcoming release, she hadn’t been able to destroy it but hadn’t been able to read it either. 

But its presence told her the bitter truth even if she never opened it and read the contents. Johnny Dawson was being released and he hadn’t forgotten the promise he’d made to her twenty years before.


	8. Chapter 8

“I couldn’t really picture what you were trying to do in here from your description. Now I get it. It looks good.” 

He’d carefully kept his voice low as he stood in the doorway leading into the soon to be dining room where he’d been watching Jules work unnoticed for the last ten minutes. The last thing he wanted to do was startle her. His good intentions aside, she still jumped about a foot before turning to face him. He was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed at his chest. 

“Damn, Sam, don’t do that.”

“Sorry; Jules, I’m almost scared to ask how long you’ve been down here working. From the amount of work you’ve gotten done, I’d guess most of the night.” 

Wiping her hands on a towel near where she was sitting, Jules shrugged. “Don’t know. I don’t have a clock in here. I didn‘t wake you up again, did I? I was trying to be so careful to not make any noise.”

Sam sighed and left his perch on the wall. Once he was at her side, he squatted down beside her. “I’m up because the alarm went off about thirty minutes ago. Seriously Jules, how much sleep did you get?”

Jules chewed on her bottom lip. She didn’t want to lie but she also didn’t want to listen to the lecture she was sure would come if she admitted to Sam that she hadn’t slept at all. She’d sat at the edge of the bed for almost an hour staring at the unopened letter she’d received from her uncle. For the past twenty years every similarly mailed letter she’d received had met the same ending without even the temptation to open it and read its contents. For the first time, she didn’t know how to handle this letter. She still had no desire to read anything Johnny had to say to her but at the same time debated whether it was smart to destroy it either. 

The cop in her that wanted to preserve any potential evidence warred with the woman who couldn’t forget the easy way her uncle could manipulate the simplest conversation. In the end, she’d hid the letter, still sealed and unread, in the bottom of a drawer that she was pretty positive Sam wouldn’t be looking in. After taking care of the letter, she knew she should once again return to bed and slip into Sam’s comforting arms. Standing in the darkened bedroom staring at the man she loved, Jules had weighed her options. She could return to bed and Sam’s arms where she’d fall asleep only to be awakened and then wake him up shortly after due to nightmares or she could forego sleep completely so that Sam at least would be rested. 

“Jules?” Sam pressed gently when she didn’t answer. She shrugged.

“You know me when I get a project started. I get a one track mind until it’s finished. Give me ten minutes to shower and get dressed and we can go to work.” She gave him a quick kiss before using his arm to push herself up. Sam watched her leave the room with a worried expression on his face. 

He did know her and knew this wouldn’t be the first time she’d spent an entire night working on some renovation project and then worked the next day. She did have a one track mind once she made a decision about something but he was pretty sure her working through the night on the dining room had less to do with the need to complete the project she’d started and everything to do with the news her father had delivered the night before. He silently cursed himself for sleeping so deeply that he hadn’t realized he was sleeping alone until the alarm went off. 

True to her word, she was ready within ten minutes and Sam insisted on driving. It had crossed his mind to suggest that she call in sick and take the day to catch up on the sleep she’d missed. Crossed his mind and met with the immediate realization that not only would Jules balk at the idea but that the mere suggestion would probably start a disagreement neither of them would really want to have. So instead he made one crucial pit stop on their way to the headquarters. 

Moments later he returned balancing a small bag with two hot beverage containers and handed one to Jules before getting back in the driver’s seat. She looked at the oversized insulated container in her hand and raised an eyebrow. “What’s this?”

Sam put his own cup in the console holder and fastened his seatbelt before answering her. “If you can’t recognize a double double from Timmy’s, you are worse off than I thought.”

“That much I figured. But seriously Sam, look at how big it is. Am I supposed to drink it or take a bath in it?”

Honestly Sam thought she’d be better served if they could attach an IV to her arm and feed it to her intravenously. He shrugged as he pulled out of the coffee shop’s parking lot. “It’s the largest they had. I figured you could use all the caffeine you could get today. There’s also a bagel B.E.L.T. in the bag for you as well. My mom always used to say you could go without sleep or you could without food but not both at the same time. Better eat it up on the ride. I wasn’t quite feeling generous enough to buy for everyone today.”

Jules didn’t protest, recognizing that while Sam was concerned about her, he was trying hard not to smother her with unwanted attention. Instead she reached into the bag and pulled first a wrapped treat that looked like it was bacon egg biscuit and handed it to Sam before pulling her own breakfast from the bag. She nibbled at it obediently but for once couldn’t even find pleasure in her favorite treat from Tim Hortons. The coffee on the other hand definitely was hitting the spot it needed to fill. Therefore, by the time Sam had pulled into a parking space at headquarters, only a quarter of the sandwich but half of the enormous coffee was gone. 

“Another day for keeping the peace.” Jules announced, returning what was left of her sandwich to the bag. Sam reached out and took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. She looked over at him, noting that his expression was serious. “What? I’ll eat it later.”

“Not that, Jules. Look, I understand this has got to be incredibly difficult for you. There’s no way I can know the full extent of what you are feeling and I won’t even pretend to say I do. But I’m here for you all the same. I won’t pressure you to talk if you don’t want to talk about it and I’ll do my damndest to squelch my natural instinct to be all overprotective. But please, don’t ask me not to worry about you. Cause that’s like asking me not to breathe.”

Jules took the hand that was wrapped around hers and pulled it to her lips for a kiss. He knew her so well. Knew she didn’t like to talk about her feelings and didn’t really like the idea that he or anyone was worrying about her. Most people attributed it to the fact that she’d worked too hard to make a place for herself in a man’s world for anyone to act like she couldn’t handle it when things got tough. But for Jules, it went much deeper, back to an overarching fear that any sign of weakness could give someone another chance to hurt her, a chance she wasn’t willing to grant anyone. But as much as it went against her nature, hearing Sam express his worry in light of the news that her mother’s killer was being released was strangely comforting. She found herself being as honest and vocal about her feelings as she could for the first time in twenty years. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, Sam. I can’t do it. I’m not trying to keep you in the dark but trying to keep myself in the light. You have no idea how hard it was just to live through it originally. The night my mom was killed, I lost myself. It took me a long time to find my way back and there were moments I didn’t think I would. Maybe I’m weak but I can’t take the chance of slipping back into that hole again.”

Without waiting for Sam’s reply, she gentle extracted her hand and climbed out of the jeep. She leaned against the vehicle, determined to regain her composure before entering the building. Sam joined her a moment later and carefully enfolded her in his arms, pulling her flush against him. His chin rested on the top of her head while one hand rubbed her back lightly and the thumb of his other hand gently traced her jaw line. 

“Weak? Not a chance in hell. The last thing I want to do is cause you any more pain than you’ve already been through. I hope you know that I’m here for you, however you need me to be. Like I said, I won’t pressure you to talk but I’m here if you decide you want to. And Jules, I promise you with everything that’s in me that I won’t let you get lost again. If you find yourself slipping into some dark hole, say the word and I’ll hold you so tight that there’s no way you’ll fall.”

Jules looked up into his eyes and believed every word he said. She knew they needed to get inside before they were late but stayed right where she was for just a few minutes more, taking some of the strength Sam seemed to be offering to share with her in his embrace. In that moment she felt safer than she’d ever felt before, safer even than she had felt the night her father’s hug had brought her back from the abyss she’d been dangling in following her mother’s death. 

“Hey, you two, you going to stand there making out all day or are you going to actually report to duty?” Ed’s almost sarcastic deep voice broke the magic of the morning. 

Sam tensed and Jules slightly shook her head, staving off whatever crude retort he was just before making. Rising up on her tip toes, she brushed a quick, chaste kiss to his cheek before pulling away from his embrace. “We’re coming. Don’t get your panties in a wad.” She told Ed then leaned close so that only Sam could hear her next words. “I love you, Sam. Even if I don’t always show it, I’m grateful that I have you.”

Even in the elevator ride up, Sam kept a discreet hand on the small of her back. Small talk filled the short ride as Jules asked about Izzy to keep the conversation from turning toward why her father had shown up the day before. Once they arrived at their destination, they greeted Winnie before heading toward the locker rooms. Greg stepped out the briefing room and called Jules over. Sam raised an eyebrow toward her as if to ask if she wanted him to come with her but she gave him a wink to let him know it was okay. As she joined Greg, he hit the button closing the door to give them some privacy. He motioned for her to sit down.

“I almost called you last night to check on you. You had me worried the way you left yesterday.” Greg admitted, the worry evident on his kind face. 

“I’m okay.” Jules assured him, hoping that he would accept her word. She was pretty sure the dark circles under her eyes from no sleep suggested a different story.

He nodded. “I’m sure you are. But I know it couldn’t have been easy hearing that the man who destroyed your family is being released.”

She shrugged. “I knew it was coming eventually. We’re cops, Sarge, we know how the system works. Yeah, it caught me off guard but life goes on Don’t worry about me.”

“What about Johnny, do I need to worry about him?” Seeing her frown of confusion, he continued. “I know the whole story, Jules; your dad told me when we first worked together. I know you were his next intended target that night. Any reason to think he’s going to try to finish what he started once he’s released?”

Jules counted to ten slowly, trying to compose her answer before speaking. “He’d be crazy to even think about it. He’s spent twenty years in jail; why would he jeopardize his new found freedom by coming after me? Don’t worry about me.” 

He realized it was the second time she’d told him not to worry about her. He wondered if she thought that if she said it enough she’d actually convince him it would be true. “I think we still have to consider the possibility. If he tries to make any contact with you at all, I need to know about it.”

She nodded. She didn’t mention the letters; if she did, Greg would insist on reading the one she’d kept and that was something she couldn’t allow. Part of the reason she’d never read any of them was some innate fear that he’d referenced what he’d done to her, what he had believed to be a loving sexual relationship and there was no way she wanted anyone, especially the men she worked so closely with to know anything about what had really happened to her that night and the night before. “Sure. Is that all? I still have to get changed and I’m pretty sure everyone is wondering what’s going on.”

Greg sighed. “Just one more thing. So far Sam is the only one not in this room that knows about what’s going on. You’re right, I bet everyone IS wondering what’s going on. What do we tell them?”

“Nothing.” No counting before answering this time. 

“There is a possible threat against you and I have to tell them something. Besides, they’re your friends, Jules. They care about you and they’d want to know. You don’t have to say a word. I can tell them and let them know you don’t want to discuss it.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. I can’t handle that. Besides, there’s nothing to indicate that Johnny wants anything to do with me. I don’t want everyone treating me with kid gloves for no reason.”

Greg frowned, obviously not liking the idea. “Okay, we’ll play it your way for now.” As her expression turned hopeful he held up a hand. “BUT, if he makes any contact with you at all -- even if it’s just to cross the same street you are on, I’m going to consider it a threat. Our job is too important not to take even the slightest possibility of danger seriously. If that happens and you still don’t want them to know, we’ll leave it that someone you once helped put away has been released and could be looking for retribution. Pretty much the truth without any personal details. Okay?”

Jules shrugged; she knew there was no way she’d change his mind. If she tried, it would probably just bring more questions that she wasn’t prepared to answer. “Fine. Can I go now?”

Greg nodded and Jules made her way to the door. As she waited for it to lift all the way open, Greg spoke once more, concern evident in his voice. “Jules, if you want or need to talk about any of this, I’m here for you.”

She didn’t turn around to face him but he could see her shoulders stiffen. “I haven’t wanted to talk about it for twenty years. I don’t see that changing just because the judicial system is granting the bastard a change of address.“ 

Greg watched as she left the room without waiting to see if he had a reply. He was concerned about her, more so after their conversation than before. Seeing Sam come out of the locker room, Greg motioned the younger man to join him. Once again he closed the door and motioned for Sam to sit down. As for himself, he perched on the edge of the table. 

“Be honest with me, Sam. How is Jules really handling things?”

Sam kept his expression carefully neutral. “Why are you asking me? You were just talking to her.”

For a moment Greg was transported back to a time when Sam and Jules had been dating but determined to keep their relationship secret. He sighed. “Yeah and I got the famous Jules’s patented ‘I’m okay’ for my troubles. I want to believe her and just let the matter drop but I can’t. Not when she shows up looking like hell. Now I’m in a bind. Do I let her stay at work cause she says everything is fine or do I trust what my eyes are telling me and send her home? You know Jules better than any of us. Which is the right decision?”

Shoving the seat back, Sam stood up and paced the length of the room before stopping to look at Greg. “With all due respect, Sarge, you don’t get to ask me that question. To be honest, it pisses me off that you would try to put me in that situation. Even after Jules and I proved we could date and still hold to the priority of life code, the commander still wasn’t sure about letting us stay together. He was worried we wouldn’t be able to leave the relationship at the door; that we’d let our personal lives interfere with work. It hasn’t always been easy but for the most part, we’ve done everything he wanted of us. Here at work, we have to be just teammates. So much so that I worry that if I express more than a passing concern at a call for her well-being, we’re going to be called on the carpet for not being professional. How professional is it for you to sit there and try to use our relationship to help you make the difficult decisions?”

“Sam.” Greg protested but Sam continued. 

“No, I’m serious about this. If, and that’s just an if, I had concerns about Jules being here today, I would voice them to her not you. I would do so before we entered the building while we were still allowed to be more than just teammates. But I am in the building now and as a couple of minutes ago, officially just a teammate. So if YOU have concerns, you’re going to have make the decision about whether she works today on your own. But as her teammate, let me warn you that if you tell her she can’t work today, be prepared for a fight. And answer me this, how long are you going to make her stay at home? The SOB that killed her mom hasn’t even been released from jail yet; you think this is going to be any easier on her then?”

“Copy that, Sam. I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. The only excuse I’ll offer is that I’m worried about her. If this was happening to anyone else on the team, I wouldn’t be as concerned. And before you accuse me of being sexist, let me assure you it has nothing to do with Jules being the only female on the team. When it comes to the rest of you, I can generally trust that you know your limits. Jules doesn’t know the word quit. No matter how much a situation is bothering her, she doesn’t show it until it gets the best of her.”

Sam wondered if Greg was thinking about the call they had in the aftermath of Lew’s death where Jules admitted to the suspect that she knew what it felt like to lose someone who shouldn’t have died. Sam rubbed his hand over his face, realizing now that Jules probably wasn’t just talking about their fallen comrade but her mother as well. No wonder she’d taken Lew’s unexpected death so hard. And he’d still been so embittered over Jules’s ending their relationship that he hadn’t paid much attention to just how much she’d been hurting.

“I’m not going to send her home.” Greg admitted a moment later. “I can suggest that she take a day but we both know she won’t agree to it. If I push the issue, I’d have to put something in her personnel folder and I don’t think I’m ready to do that. So for now, she stays. I hope I can count on your, as her teammate, to help me keep an eye on her on scene. Not just today but in the weeks to come as well.”

Sam nodded. “Without you even asking. Sorry for busting your chops earlier.”

“Sorry for putting you on the spot.” Greg apologized as well. Sam was about to leave when he realized that the older man looked worried in a way that went beyond just concerned over how Jules was taking the news. He sat down again.

“What’s wrong?”

“I hope I’m borrowing trouble here but I’ve had a bad feeling about all this every since Jack showed up yesterday with the news that Johnny Dawson was being released. Jules doesn’t think he’s going to cause any trouble; thinks he’ll be so glad to be out of jail that he’s not going to rock the boat. I hope she’s right…”

Sam frowned. “You don’t think so? Is this just a gut feeling or do you have further reason for thinking so?”

“Somewhere between professional experience and gut feeling. The first five years Dawson was in prison, he sent ten different guys to the prison infirmary; one even had permanent brain damage from the beating he sustained at Dawson’s hands. The prison psychiatrist determined that he had a psychotic disorder and put him on meds to control his outbursts. The medication worked and the last fifteen years he’s been a model prisoner.”

“And you think once he’s out of jail, he’ll quit taking the pills and revert back to his old ways.” Sam finished for Greg, who nodded.

“We’ve seen it all too often unfortunately. Damn it, Sam; I want to be wrong. I want to trust that he’s served his time and he’s going to be a reformed citizen when he’s released. I want to but I can’t afford to; not where Jules is concerned. She’s too important to all of us to take a chance that she won’t be hurt by all this, either physically or emotionally. If I have to come across as the overprotective hard ass, then I’ll live with her getting mad at me.”

Despite his earlier tirade at his boss, Sam could now feel sympathy for the position the older man now found himself in. “Jules and I might leave the relationship at the door, but there are times when work does come home with us. If she starts to feel too put out by your attempts to keep her safe, I’ll try to put in a good word for you.”

Greg forced a smile. “Thanks, that’s probably more than I deserve after earlier. Now, what do you say we get this day underway before the others practice their entry techniques on that door to find out what’s going on.”

\-- FP -- FP --

“Jules, it’s going to be hard to keep the peace out here today if you and I can’t make peace between ourselves.” Greg commented casually an hour later as he and the lone female of the team rode around in the SUV. 

Jules glanced over at her boss, her jaw set in a hard line. She’d barely said a word since Sarge opened the door to the briefing room after his tête-à-tête with Sam. She couldn’t be for sure what they’d been talking about but either man would be hard pressed to convince her she hadn’t been the main subject of their conversation. They hadn’t offered any explanation to anyone on the team about their mysterious meeting but the guilty look Sam had shot her as they took their seats seemed to confirm her suspicions. 

During the briefing Greg had announced that they had several warrants to carry out during the day and would be split into three groups to make the duty more efficient. While none of them really liked that aspect of their job, they all recognized it as necessary. While most of the time, it was a mundane choir that filled the time between calls; they had, at times, had subjects get a little crazy at the thought of being served. It was one of the reasons why it was one of their assigned duties. 

Jules had hoped to be paired with Ed for the day even though things were still sometimes strained between them after Ed had made it clear that he thought Donna should remain on Team One even after Jules was cleared to return to duty. Their relationship had improved after Ed’s own injury-enforced absence and she knew with him she wouldn’t be forced to talk about how she felt about Johnny Dawson being released from prison. Instead, Greg had paired Ed with Raf, Sam with Spike, and himself with Jules. So here she was riding shotgun through the city with Greg behind the wheel.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Jules muttered, mindful that the team, while separated by different vehicles and miles of city streets, were still connected via the comlinks. Then it hit her that while Greg’s baritone voice had filled the cab of the vehicle, it hadn’t reverberated in her ear over the team’s communication’s device. He must have shut off the transmitter. 

Taking one hand off the wheel, he reached over and turned off her audio link as well. Now they could speak freely but still hear the other members of the team if something occurred. “Jules, Sam didn’t betray your trust. I’ll admit, I pressed him to because I was worried you weren’t telling me what I needed to know but he jumped down my throat about it.”

“I told you I was okay.” Jules reminded him, but her tone was gentler. 

Greg sighed. “Yeah, you did. However I remember sitting in your room long after I’d made everyone else go home, even Sam. It was probably about two in the morning when you woke up enough from the anesthesia to be aware of your surroundings. Seems to me the first words out of your mouth even then were ‘I’m okay.’”

“And look at me now. I was right.”

“Now, yes, then, not so much. I know you’ll be okay, Jules; I could never doubt that but until you get to that point, you don’t have to pretend.”

“Coming up on our address, Sarge. How about we just do our job?” She hadn’t said she’d forgiven his attempt to check on her but her body language and tone suggested that she was closer to it than she’d been when they’d first left headquarters.

He pulled up in front of the house next door to their location with a patrol unit behind them. Both Greg and Jules turned their microphones back on as they got out of the vehicle. Greg spoke to the officers providing support and requested they go around to the back of the house in case their subject tried to run. The uniformed officers did as requested and Greg and Jules cautiously approached the front door. Greg banged on it sharply.

“John Stanley, open up. This is Greg Parker with the Strategic Response Unit. I need to talk to you. Come out peacefully.”

Jules, standing far enough back to provide support, looked through a side window. What she saw inside alarmed her. “Sarge, looks like they’ve got a set up big enough to cook enough meth to supply the whole country.

“Greg, we’re ten minutes away. Back down until we get there.” Ed supplied in their ears. 

A shot rang out on the other side of the house before Greg could acknowledge Ed’s request. Both SRU officers automatically reached for their weapons as Greg reported the development to the rest of the team. He turned his back to the door, ready to leave the front steps so that he and Jules could check on the units that went to the rear of the house. The front door suddenly swung open and a burly man plowed out of the house carrying a large shotgun in his hand. As Greg turned back at the sound, the man swung the weapon like a club, catching the officer in the chest with the barrel of the weapon. Greg dropped to the ground with the wind knocked out of him as the man dropped the shotgun and took off running down the street. 

Jules took a half second to make sure that Greg was okay before taking off in pursuit of the suspect. She could hear through the comlink the status of all her teammates. Sam and Spike would be at the house in mere moments and Ed and Raf were coming from the opposite direction, the direction she was now running toward. The suspect was fast but so was Jules, even with her lack of sleep the night before. Though he had a head start, he wasn’t able to increase his lead and she was quickly closing into him. Up ahead she could see the flashing lights of the SUV blocking his path. 

The suspect stopped when he saw his way was blocked and turned to flee the way he’d come. Jules took advantage of this and launched herself at him in a flying tackle worthy of a Super Bowl moment instant playback. Caught by surprise, the suspect found himself on the ground with Jules on top of him. In no time, she’d flipped him over on to his stomach and was handcuffing his hands behind his back. She looked up to see Ed watching her with a smirk on his face.

“Guess she didn’t need us after all Raf.” 

Jules chuckled as she let Raf pull the suspect to his feet. “Shut up. Let’s get back and check on the Sarge. He got clocked pretty hard.”

They turned their prisoner over to a black and white unit that pulled up and Jules rode the back to the house with Raf and Ed. They found Sarge sitting in his own SUV with Sam and Spike standing nearby watching him in concern. Greg insisted that he was more embarrassed at being caught by surprise than hurt. Spike had already checked out the back of the house to discover that the shot they had heard had apparently been a diversionary tactic by Stanley to aid in his escape. No one had been hurt. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent on the scene, waiting for Hazmat to clear the house from the danger of the makeshift meth lab equipment. By the end of the shift they were all exhausted. Neither Sam or Jules wanted to take the time to shower and change at work and left the headquarters hand in hand. 

Sam stopped and picked up supper on the way home, knowing they were both too tired to have to worry about cooking. He pulled into the driveway and carried the bag of the food into the house. Jules followed slowly up the walk behind him, stopping first at the mailbox. She didn’t even bother sorting the small stack until she got inside the house, locking the door behind her. 

She placed the bills in one stack to be paid later and tossed the junk mail in the garbage. Her hands started to shake as she got to the last envelope and recognized the familiar scrawl of the addressed letter. For the second day in a row, she’d received mail from Johnny Dawson.


	9. Chapter 9

By the day Johnny Dawson was due to be released from prison, Sam had bypassed worried when it came to Jules and was somewhere closer to panic stricken. Sure, outwardly she seemed to be handling things just fine. No one else on the team, including Greg - who was watching her like a hawk, sensed anything was wrong with her, but Sam saw what they didn’t. 

Each night she would go to bed with him; he’d fall asleep with her tucked securely in his arms. But each morning he’d wake up to find himself alone in the bed and Jules somewhere in the house working on some sort of project. The dining room was pretty much complete, just waiting on the delivery of the table and chairs she’d found at a really good price online. She’d moved on to redoing the counters in the kitchen to repainting the spare bedroom upstairs. No matter how much he pressed her for an answer, she would never reveal just how much -- or as he suspected, little -- sleep she was actually getting each night. 

If the lack of sleep wasn’t concerning enough, he was also pretty sure she wasn’t eating right either. If they were having a meal together, she didn’t protest saying she wasn’t hungry but the way she picked at her food, he doubted she ever ate even half of what she put on her plate. He was also pretty sure that if he wasn’t around at a meal time, then she didn’t even make the attempt to eat that much. 

But what had him the most concerned was their lovemaking over the past week. It wasn’t something he could really pinpoint or even find fault with but there was something different in her reactions to him and his touch. It almost seemed to him that she was holding something back or was perhaps a little more guarded in her reactions to him. There had even been a couple of times as he lowered her gently to the bed that he almost caught just a hint of something in her eyes that resembled fear. It was so fleeting that before he could even question whether he’d actually seen it, it was gone.

He’d tried to broach his concerns with her on several occasions, had even been prepared for an angry backlash from her for his attempts. Instead, she’d risen to her tiptoes and kissed him softly before reassuring him that she had everything under control and was okay. Sam never thought he’d prefer an angry Jules to what he was currently seeing. 

Their shift today had ended early and he’d suggested that they go running together but Jules had declined saying she’d get dinner ready while he was out running. Again it wasn’t like the Jules he fell in love with but he didn’t press the issue. Despite what he feared was an unhealthy lack of sleep in the last five days, Jules went strong all day long at work. He couldn’t blame her if she lacked the energy to tackle a run on top of a full day of work. Besides, it gave him time to think about how he could best help her through this difficult time. Running usually gave him that chance to allow his body to move on automatic pilot while his brain contemplated the troubles that had to take a back seat during the rest of his day. Unfortunately, this was so big he didn’t think he could figure out a solution if he ran a full marathon and back again. 

He let himself in the back door and was surprised to see the kitchen empty and the house completely quiet. Concerned, Sam made his way to the living room wondering where Jules had disappeared to. He drew up short at the sight that awaited him, a soft smile creeping into his features. 

It looked to him like Jules had sat down on the couch to play with the kitten for a few minutes. After hearing about the loss of her pet at the hands of her mother’s killer, Sam had questioned his decision of bringing another kitten into the house but slowly it seemed like Jules was warming up to the newest addition. The kitten was curled up in a ball on her chest sound asleep but it wasn’t the only one. The woman he loved was lying back against the cushion of the couch her eyes closed and the even rise and fall of her chest said that she’d succumbed to the exhaustion that had to be plaguing her. 

Supper was completely forgotten seeing her sleeping so peacefully. He was tempted to leave her just as she was, not wanting to disturb what might be the first real rest she’d gotten in a week. But he could tell from the position she was sleeping in that she’d have aching muscles when she finally woke up. 

Carefully he slipped his hand between the kitten’s warm body and Jules’s chest, lifting the tiny feline away from its current napping place. It’s little eyes opened and he mewed just slightly in protest to having his rest disturbed. With a warm chuckle, Sam cupped the kitten to his own body, rubbing its fur with his thumb. “Easy there fellow. You can go back to sleep in a moment. I need to put your pillow in her bed so she can hopefully get some much needed sleep.” Sam carried the kitten to the laundry room that they were still using to house the little fellow at night and when they weren’t home. He placed the kitten in the small pet bed he’d purchased before even meeting the cat for the first time and then closed the door behind him. He was glad to see upon returning to the living room that Jules hadn’t moved a muscle. He only hoped she was so soundly asleep that she didn’t wake up as he moved her. 

Even more gently than he had with the kitten, Sam eased one arm under her knees and the other behind her shoulders and lifted her into his arms. She sighed in her sleep and snuggled into his embrace but didn’t waken. Sam grinned and pressed a light fluttery kiss to her lips before heading for the stairs and their bedroom. Once there, he placed her gently in the bed and debated whether to risk undressing her. The jeans and button down shirt she was wearing couldn’t be that comfortable for sleeping so he took the chance of easing the constricting garments off her body. He eyed her almost-bare body appreciatively before covering her with a light blanket from the end of the bed. 

The sun hadn’t even sank below the horizon but Sam didn’t care. He almost wanted to undress as well and climb into the bed with her and hold her close as she finally gave in to the rest she so desperately needed. He would have if the phone hadn’t chosen that moment to interrupt the silence of the bedroom. Jules’s face wrinkled as the sound must have punctured her dreams and Sam scooped up the cordless to answer it before a second ring could actually awaken her. 

“Hello?” He kept his voice quiet so as not to disturb her further, ready to carry the phone to another room if this was going to be a long conversation. 

Click. Whoever was on the other end had apparently decided not to speak. With a frown, Sam checked the Caller ID to see if he recognized the number but found that it was blocked. He returned the phone to its base. Almost immediately it rang again and once again as soon as Sam tersely answered the person on the other end disconnected the call. He had half a mind to just turn off the ringer in case the person called back a third time but his sense of duty wouldn’t let him. Team One was on call to back up Team Three if needed and they couldn’t afford to miss a call out because some idiot had decided that he could have fun making prank calls. 

Instead, he carried the cordless out of the bedroom and back downstairs. As much as he wanted to lie down beside Jules and hold her while she slept, he didn’t want to risk the phone waking her up if it wasn’t necessary. He hadn’t even made it to the stairs when the phone rang once again; this time he let it ring the second time so he could see the read out on the Caller ID. Once again it was a blocked number. Since there was no worry that the ringing would wake Jules, he chose not to answer, allowing it to go the machine; hoping that whoever was calling would be brazen enough to leave a message. 

By the time he got downstairs he saw the message light blinking and hit the play button but all he could hear was silence followed by the audible click of the phone being hung up. He was starting to lose his patience especially as the phone rang once more. Again he let the machine pick up. 

As the machine came own, Jules friendly but no-nonsense voice filled the room. “Hi, we can’t come to the phone right now but at the beep leave your name, number and brief message and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.” 

He could remember the first time he had heard this message which Jules had recorded long before he’d ever moved in. When he questioned her about it, she’d shrugged and explained in a tone that suggested she didn’t seem to understand his confusion. “I’m not going to give my name and number in the message because I’m not going to give some random person who accidentally reached my number any personal information. By using the plural pronoun it makes potential thieves think there’s more than one person living in the house.”

He’d chuckled and had asked if she’d learned that information in Safe Voicemail 101. She’d just rolled her eyes and ignored the question. Now that he’d moved in, he liked the message more and more. Liked hearing her say “we” and knowing he was the other half of that pronoun. 

Again, the caller hung up as soon as the beep sounded. This was just ridiculous. Someone was playing a game and it was time he ended it. When the phone rang a fifth time, he punched the button immediately. “This is Sam Braddock with the Strategic Response Unit. Identify yourself or I will have this call traced and units dispatched to question you. Don’t think I can’t just because your number is blocked.”

“Sam?” The deep male voice seemed uncertain. He recognized the voice and a glance at the Caller ID confirmed that this was not the same caller as before.

“Mr. Callaghan, sorry. Thought you were someone else.”

“Apparently not a nice someone either. Everything okay?”

The tips of Sam’s ears turned red with embarrassment that he’d been caught in a moment of less than stellar cool by his girlfriend’s father. “Yes sir, just someone thinking they’re funny by calling and hanging up. Nothing to worry about.”

“Is Jules there?” Sam was torn. Jack Callaghan wasn’t prone to calling for just idle chitchat but at the same time he really didn’t want to wake Jules up when she was finally sleeping so well. That was the very reason the crank caller was bothering him so much. His hesitation to answer didn’t go unnoticed. “What’s wrong, Son?”

“Nothing.” Sam quickly reassured him. “It’s just that Jules hasn’t been sleeping that great the last couple of days and well…”

“Her body finally forced her to listen to it. You don’t have to explain, Sam. I know my daughter. I was just calling to check on her. I know she’d never admit that it could get to her that her mother’s killer was being released today but I also know it’s been eating away at her all week. Don’t wake her up. Just have her give me a call later.”

Sam could hear the worry in the older man’s voice and realized that Jules’s father probably knew her better than anyone. While Sam had been watching her slowly self destruct while stubbornly denying any hardship, Jack had known from a distance what she was going through. “I will.”

“Sam, I hate that my baby girl is going through this hell right now and I hate it even more than I’m not there with her while she is. However, I’m damn glad she’s got you there watching out for her.”

Jack’s approval meant more to Sam than he would have ever expected it to. Sam muttered something about promising to take good care of her and that he’d have her call her father as soon as she was awake. After a couple more minutes of talking, Sam said his goodbyes and hung up the phone. 

That’s when the screams started.

\-- FP --

 _“I knew I could count on you. You’ll see; it’ll be much better this way. I’m just sorry that I’m going to have to go away and not see you again for a long time. I won’t get to see you grow more and more beautiful; won’t get to enjoy your kisses or the feel of your body against mine. I wish I could at least kiss you goodbye but I don’t think we should risk it with people watching. But don’t worry, JAC; I doubt I’ll be in prison forever. I’ll get out one day and then we can be together forever. It’ll be perfect.”_

Twenty years hadn’t changed him at all, at least not in Jules’s subconscious. The last taunting words he’d said to her had come back to haunt her dreams many times in intervening years since his arrest and promise to confess to killing her mother. Sometimes they came in the form of just the direct memory of him sitting handcuffed to a chair in the interrogation room seemingly believing in some sick, demented way that she truly wanted a relationship with him. Other times, such as now, he was facing a now adult Jules, ready to make good on his promise. 

In the physical world, her underwear-clad body tossed and turned, bucking like a bull trying to dislodge its rider. She whimpered pitifully as the grip of the dream pulled her further and further under. The Dream Jules was standing in the same bedroom she was currently sleeping in backing slowly up against the wall as her uncle steadily advanced on her, his expression lustful and leering. Dream Jules wasn’t carrying her weapon; if she were, she’d use it in a heartbeat to end his pathetic life. 

_“We’ll be together forever. It’ll be perfect. I’ve waited so long to see you again. I trust you got my letters.”_

How many she’d destroyed over the years she had no idea but the five unopened envelopes hidden away in her drawer had been taunting her just as powerfully with each one she added to the collection. They ate away at her soul making her feel guilty with each passing minute. She knew she should turn them over to Greg as proof that Johnny had been trying to contact her; after all she’d promised him she would. But she wanted nothing more than to rip them to tiny shreds to show that they didn’t hold any power over her. 

_“Letters? What letters? Jules, what’s he talking about? What is he doing here?”_ Of course Dream Sam would have to come in at that moment and she couldn’t stand the look of betrayal looking at her. 

_“She didn’t tell you about us? No, I guess she wouldn’t have. Telling what we shared already cost her her mother. She wouldn’t dare chance losing someone else. I’m the one you should be thanking. I taught her everything she knows about pleasing a man. Well, not everything I guess. My darling dead sister interrupted us before I could give her the ultimate lesson in lovemaking. She’s good isn’t she? I bet she’s only gotten better with experience. You realize you’ll have to leave don’t you? I don’t plan on sharing JAC with anyone.”_

Tears spilled down Dream Jules’s face. She wrapped her arms protectively around her body, trying to shield herself from his penetrating eyes. Although to be honest the horrible expression of understanding and revulsion growing in Sam’s eyes was way worse than the predatory, undressing look reflecting in Johnny’s. Dream Sam shook his head. _“Jules, what he’s saying… You and him? Tell me you didn’t.”_

_“Oh, she did. She willingly let me do things to her and she to me that would make you blush. I had to teach her what to do, of course, but she was a eager pupil.”_

_“Bastard.”_ Dream Jules muttered under her breath. To her horror, Sam turned his back on her and started to leave the bedroom, obviously repulsed by her and the situation. _“Sam, don’t!”_

He paused at the door and turned back to look at her, shaking his head. _“You hid evidence that he was coming for you after you promised Sarge you’d come to him if Johnny contacted you. You lied to the team and worse you lied to me. I can’t be here.”_

He left without another word. Johnny started to laugh as he approached her. Jules pressed her body further against the wall, trying to melt into it, anything to prevent what appeared to be coming. As his hands cupped her shoulders, she began to scream. Somehow he maneuvered her from the wall to the bed she’d only shared with Sam. She struggled against him, screaming the entire time. She wanted to plead with him not to hurt her but her brain refused to form the words. His hands were warm against her skin as she struggled against him. He was practically lying on top of her and she felt as helpless as she’d been twenty years earlier. In one last attempt to protect herself she brought her knee sharply up connecting straight to his groin.

\-- FP --

At her first scream, Sam took the steps two at a time to reach her side. He flung open the bedroom door and saw her twisting and turning on the bed as if under attack. He called her name hoping to shake her from the nightmare as he crawled on the bed beside her. He wanted to gather her in his arms and soothe away her fears but she struggled against him, still locked into whatever hell her dream had placed her in. He was so intent on helping her that he wasn’t aware of much else until her knee made solid contact with his groin. 

Sam fell off the bed with a grunt of pain. Her aim had been perfect and he could almost see stars on top of the pain she’d inflicted on him. Before he could recover, she’d flung herself off the other side of the bed and scrambled to the safety of the nearest corner, her legs pulled up protectively in front of her.. Even through the involuntary tears that had sprung to his eyes, he could see that her eyes were opened but he wasn’t sure if she was really awake. The absolute terror on her face was enough to temporarily forget his own discomfort. 

“Jules, wake up, Baby. It’s okay. You’re safe. Everything’s fine.” His voice was strained from the pain he was trying to push aside for the sake of his girlfriend. He used the covers on the bed to pull himself back up to the bed so that he could cross the queen-sized barrier to get to Jules’s side. He kept a safe distance from her just in case she still felt frightened, turning sideways so that if she kicked out again, she would catch his thigh instead of aching manhood. Reaching out, he touched her knee, the same knee that had caught him unawares. 

She jumped slightly, blinked a few times and then looked around. “Wha…Who…I mean.. Sam?” A single tear ran down her cheek.

He forced what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he reached out to brush the lone drop from her face. “Just a dream. You’re okay.”

She glanced around trying to reconcile her current location with what she remembered before falling asleep. Then she looked down and realized her state of undress. She frowned. “How did I get up here and where are my clothes?”

“You fell asleep on the couch while I was out running. I figured you’d be more comfortable up here.”

Her body was trembling and he wasn’t sure if it was from fright or a chill in the air so he reached down and picked up the light blanket he’d covered her with earlier and offered it to her. She all but snatched it away and wrapped herself in it, concealing herself from him. “And my clothes? I guess they just decided to fall off on the way up? God, Sam, I fall asleep and you decide to take advantage of me?”

Stunned by her accusation, Sam sat back using the bed for support. He was hurt she could think so badly of him but hoped it was more of just a reaction to the dream than her real feelings about what he was capable of. “I just wanted you to be comfortable. I’m sorry, Jules; I’d never take advantage of you.”

She paled, realizing what she’d accused him of. She scrambled out of her protective corner and hugged him. He pulled her close, tucking the blanket closer around her. He’d never seen her look so vulnerable as she did right then. She hiccupped softly. “I’m sorry, Sam. I know you wouldn’t. I just… I’m sorry.”

Sam held her as closely as he felt she would be comfortable with, his hand lightly running up and down her bare arm beneath the blanket. Her head was against his chest. “Shh, it’s okay. It must have been some dream. I heard you all the way downstairs. Want to talk about it?”

He’d promised her that he wouldn’t force her to talk and if she balked he didn’t know what he’d do. He didn’t want to hurt her but at the same time felt it was better for her to voice her fears so they couldn’t hurt her any more. He held his breath as he waited to see if she’d answer him. She stiffened and he thought she was going to stay silent. To his surprised she started to talk, her voice haunted and quiet. 

“It was Johnny. He was here and he wanted to finish what he started twenty years ago.” She didn’t elaborate any further hoping Sam would take the unfinished task to be killing her not the real horrific truth. No matter how much she trusted Sam’s feelings for her, she couldn’t summarily dismiss Dream’s Sam’s reaction. She shuddered at the memory and Sam tightened his hold.

“Jules, you aren’t the kid you were twenty years ago. If Johnny is stupid enough to come after you, he’s going to think the bullet you put in him twenty years ago was nothing more than a bb pellet. He doesn’t stand a chance against you. But even if you don’t feel like you are strong enough, you’ve got to know that I’ll never let him hurt you. I’ve got your back all the way, Baby.”

“Promise?” She needed to hear his reassurances even at the same time that she knew that her omission of the truth was nothing more than a lie. The nightmare kept playing over and over again in her mind. Johnny’s taunts and Sam turning his back on her giving Johnny the chance to try to hurt her once again. She could see herself struggling against him on the bed even going so far as to knee him. Her knee was even sore as if she’d actually made contact with something solid.

She paled even more when she realized what must have actually happened. She lifted her head to look up at him and saw the pain in his eyes that he was trying desperately to hide. “Oh my God, Sam. I…I hurt you. What have I done?”

He hated to see her this way and could only hold her closer in an attempt to let her know that everything was okay. “Jules, don’t worry about it. It’s my fault, I should have realized you’d react violently to your dream. It’s okay; I’m okay.” 

Almost as if she recognized her own usual response of words being thrown back at her, Jules offered him a wan smile. “Still, it had to have hurt. I’m sorry. There’s no excuse…”

“Really?” Sam interjected before she could finish. “You find out the man who killed your mother is being released from prison. You haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in about a week, and you wasting away to skin and bones by not eating. All of that is enough to set yourself up for extreme reactions.”

“I hate these kind of dreams.” Jules admitted. “They make me feel weak and helpless.”

Sam cupped her face lovingly in his hands, forcing her to look at him. “Listen to me and listen good. There is no way in hell that anyone who knows you could ever use the words weak and helpless to describe you. I know you want to always come across as Super Jules; the person who doesn’t let anything get to her at any time or in any way. But Baby, it’s not a sign of weakness to have nightmares. God knows I’ve had some doozies in my life. I know you’ve been slipping out of bed every night. Be honest with me. Are you having nightmares like this and I’ve been sleeping through them?”

Jules shook her head. “I didn’t want to take the chance of having them so I wouldn’t let myself fall asleep.”

“Your body can’t function on no sleep; you know that. You’re going to make yourself sick if you keep this up. Tonight, promise me you’ll sleep, even if you have nightmares. If you promise me that, I’ll promise to be right there beside you all night and if the dreams get to be too much I swear I’ll wake you.”

Jules mulled over his request for several minutes. She trusted that Sam would be there for her if she needed him but she didn’t trust herself not to reveal information that was best kept hidden, even from the man she loved. Still, she knew he was right; she couldn’t go much longer on no sleep. It would start affecting her job and Sarge had put too much trust in her for her to let him down. “This dream was pretty mild compared to the way some of them go. They can get rather nasty, especially when I’m really tired. I’ve had a few over the years that were so severe I felt like I was going to fall so deep into it that I wouldn’t be able to climb out again.”

Sam sighed deeply, hurting for the woman sitting beside him. The ache in his groin from her knee connecting with his manhood was nothing compared to the breaking of his heart at her admission. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to help her through this difficult time, yet there was nothing he could do. “Sweetheart, there’s no chance in hell that I would ever let you fall -- not if you were standing on the roof of the tallest building in Toronto and not in your subconscious. I’ll stand on that ledge with you tonight and if you start to fall, I’ll catch you before you do.” He sealed his promise with a kiss. Jules was hesitant in her response at first but then her lips relaxed against his and opened willing as his tongue begged entrance. 

They were both panting hard by the time Sam broke off the kiss. “So tonight, you’ll sleep but you also need to eat.”

Jules frowned and at first Sam thought she was about to protest again but then she sheepishly admitted, “I fell asleep before I could even think about putting anything on for supper.” 

Sam laughed. “I’ll run pick up some takeout from that Thai place you like so much. While I’m gone, you can get dressed again and give your dad a call. He called earlier; I think he’s as worried about you as I am.”

\-- FP --

Johnny Dawson sat down across the desk from a man wearing khaki pants and a blue button down shirt. He smiled his most disarming smile. “I appreciate you agreeing to hold the interview tonight. I know they told me I had a few days to get settled into the house before I had to get a job, but I didn‘t want to waste any time. The sooner I can get a job and start making my own money, the sooner I can get my own place.”

The other man returned the smile with one of his own. “Not a problem. I must say I was surprised to get your call. We’ve had an agreement with Kennington House for years now to offer custodial jobs to their residents but not many want to work for us.”

Johnny perfected his surprised look. “Really, why’s that? It is just a standard custodial job, right?”

The job interviewer laughed. “Yeah, of course it is. Nothing more or worse than mopping the floors and taking out the garbage and the like. It’s more the company you’d be keeping that turns most people off.” 

“I’ve spent the last twenty years in a maximum security prison. I’ve served my time and now I’m anxious to be able to live a normal life again. I’m pretty sure that nobody who works for you could be any worse than the worst of humanity that I’ve lived with in prison.” Johnny put enough sincerity in his voice to sound convincing. “After all, I’ll be working for Metro Police. How bad could that be?”

The man closed his folder and placed it on the side of his desk. “Oh, there’s nothing bad about it. Most people in your position just don’t want to spend their new found freedom surrounded by officers who remind them of their incarceration.”

“I made a mistake. I won’t deny that. Now that I’m out; I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that I don’t make any more mistakes. At least if I’m working for Metro Police, I’ll have to tow the line. If you hire me, I can promise you won’t regret it.”

“The job is yours if you want it. You’ll start tomorrow.”

Johnny nodded, then tried to look concerned. “I don’t have any right to ask this, I know, but will everyone know about my past? It’s kind of hard to get a fresh start when people are holding your past against you.”

The interviewer waved off Johnny’s concerns. “I understand completely. No one has to know how you came about getting this job. Keep your nose clean and there’s no reason why your past should plague your present or your future.”

Johnny stood and shook the man’s hand. “I appreciate that, Sir. I promise I won’t let you down. I’ll be here on time tomorrow, you can count on it. Earlier if at all possible.” He started to leave and then paused at the door. “I heard that that elite force, you know, the one that always responds to those dangerous, high profile calls, works out of this building.”

The man nodded. “Strategic Response Unit. Yes, you won’t be working on that floor though. There’s no way to get clearance for Kennington residents to work that department. Don’t worry; you’ll have plenty to do without having to worry about that level.” 

Johnny nodded. “Sure, I heard enough stories about those guys while in prison. I certainly wouldn’t want to mess with them. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He waited until he was out of the building completely and waiting at the bus stop before pulling out the disposable cell phone he’d made as his first purchase upon being released. He’d only used it to call two different numbers. One was to arrange for the job interview with the head of the custodial staff for Metro Police and the other number which he was currently dialing again. He smiled in anticipation of hearing her voice once again. He only hoped that it wouldn’t be answered by the guy who’d answered the first three times he’d called. He needed to hear her voice like some people needed a drink at the end of the day. He’d settle for the Memorex version but he hoped the fates would smile on him and he’d get to hear her live and in real time. On the phone for now but soon in person.


	10. Chapter 10

“Jules? Come on, Sweetheart. I hate to wake you up but we’re going to be late if we don‘t get moving soon.” Sam had put this off for as long as he possibly could. He’d turned off the alarm twenty minutes earlier, just seconds before it’s blaring claxon could shatter the quiet of the early morning. His rationale had been that he could slip out of bed and get his shower while Jules enjoyed a little more sleep. But he hadn’t been able to pull himself away from her and had instead continued to lie there staring at her. She looked so peaceful lying in his arms, more relaxed and rested than he’d seen her look since her father had shown up at the barn to tell her about Dawson’s impending release. 

The night hadn’t been completely without its moments. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d jolted awake to feel her body stiffen and soft moans of fear and pain emit from her tightly clenched jaw. Each time, he’d pulled her protectively closer, almost wrapping his body completely around hers and whispering soft reassurances in her ear. It seemed to do the trick each time; after about ten minutes her body would once more relax and her breathing would even out again without her either waking up or screaming out in fear. 

It hadn’t been much of a restful night for him but it didn’t matter. A night of wasted sleep was a small price to pay to ensure that Jules finally got the rest that she needed. In fact, he hated waking her up now; would have been content to leave her sleeping in bed and making a call to Sarge putting in for a day off for her. But he knew that would meet with questions from their boss that he was pretty sure Jules didn’t want asked and with resistance and ire from Jules herself. 

Jules burrowed deeper into Sam’s arms and mumbled sleepily, “Not time yet. Alarm hasn’t gone off.” 

Sam grinned. “Sorry Babe, I turned if off earlier. Wanted to let you sleep a little longer.”

Jules bolted up and peered over his shoulder at the clock on the nightstand. She swore softly. “Sam, we’re going to be late. We both have to get showers and get dressed. We won’t have time to stop and get coffee and…”

Sam pulled her back down and kissed her into silence. At first she stayed stiff but then relaxed in his arms. After a couple of minutes, he pulled back. “How do you feel?”

She opened her mouth to give her standard “okay” but then stopped. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I slept all night long didn’t I? I know I had some dreams but I didn’t wake up.”

She looked so amazed and relieved that Sam kissed her again. “I promised you I wouldn’t let you fall.”

Her eyes were a little watery but from happy tears. For twenty years she’d dreaded and feared the nightmares that plagued her dreams at certain times of the year -- her mother’s birthday, the anniversary of her mother’s death, the night after the arrival of a letter she would destroy rather than open -- to the point she wouldn’t even try to sleep so they couldn’t hurt her. Yet, without asking her to divulge the worst that her dreams had to offer, Sam had kept her grounded and protected. She’d known she loved him for awhile now but until this moment she hadn’t realized just how much she needed him. Needed him without it making her feel weak and incapable. It was a feeling she didn’t want to end. “I love you.”

Showers were forgotten. Who would know or complain if they didn’t take one that morning? After all, the night before Sam had run a hot bath and filled it with the lavender bubble bath Jules kept stashed under a cabinet for special indulgences. They soaked in the tub until the bubbles all dissipated and the water had grown cold. Sam had hoped the scent of the lavender would help relax Jules enough to fall asleep. It had worked its magic the night before and could now serve to buy them just a little more time this morning to, if not fully express their love to one another, at least allow them to satisfy a little of the desire they felt toward each other. 

Their displays of affection didn’t go beyond kisses but their expressions of love were deep and sensual and full of promises that would have to keep until later when they were both off work. Finally, Sam pulled back, breathing hard. “Sweetheart, if we don’t stop now, there’s no way we’re going to make it to work anywhere near anything but way late. 

Jules nodded, her lips kiss-swollen and her cheeks rosy. Sam started to slide out of the bed but Jules reached out and snagged his arm, forcing him to look back at her. “Sam…” The thanks she wants to give him dies on her lips. Admitting weakness was almost impossible for her; accepting help for those perceived weaknesses even more so. 

Sam watched her for a moment and then as if sensing what was going on in her head nodded his understanding of her unspoken gratitude. He knew her well enough to know the inner struggle she was battling. He didn’t need her to say the words to know what was in her heart. 

They dressed quickly and rushed down the stairs; the hope was that they’d at least be able to run through the drive-thru at Timmy’s on the way to work without being late. At the base of the stairs, Jules paused as she saw the blinking light of the answering machine. “Sam? How could we have 38 messages on the machine? I never heard the phone ring.”

Sam frowned. He hadn’t mentioned the prank calls to her the night before. During supper, he’d answered two more just to be hung up on. While getting her bath ready there had been three more. So, while she was in the bathroom undressing for her soaking lavender bubble bath, he’d turned off the ringer on the upstairs phone and alerted dispatch to call his cell phone in case of a call out. Before he could answer her question, she hit the play button. It only took her listening to four hang-ups before she reached for the phone to check the Caller ID.

“It’s all the same blocked number.” She paled as she replaced the receiver. She looked back at Sam. “You don’t think it could be…”

He wrapped his arms around her. “Probably not. You’re the one who’s been saying he’d be crazy to contact you and risk his probation. It’s probably some kid that got this number by accident and decided to see how aggravating he could be. But if it’ll make you feel better, I can get Spike to do his computer magic on the phone company and see if he can trace the calls to the actual number.”

Jules shook her head. She didn’t doubt that Spike could probably get the information in no time at all but he’d want to know exactly why they wanted it. That would mean telling him what was going on and she didn’t want anyone else on the team to know about the situation. “Nah, like you said it’s probably nothing. Besides, how could Johnny have gotten my number in the first place? It’s unlisted. If we ignore it, whoever’s doing it will get bored and move on. Come on, we’d better get to work.”

\-- FP --

For the first time in a really long time, Michaelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti was really enjoying his life. His father’s illness and subsequent death had been hard and occasionally he still had his moments of almost overwhelming sadness. His mother returning to Italy had also been a hard loss to take but as much as he missed her, it felt good to finally be the adult and take care of his own needs. It wasn’t who was missing from his life that had him smiling a lot more lately but by who was there. 

“It’s no good.” Spike whispered in the blonde’s ear as he slipped up behind her in the small bathroom. Even though his reflection had been visible in the mirror for the last five minutes, she’d been too caught up in her morning rituals of fixing her hair and make-up to notice him. He planted a quick kiss at the nape of her neck before finishing his statement, “You can’t top perfection.”

Natalie Braddock smiled as she turned into his embrace and kissed him softly. “You’re sweet; bias and blind but sweet. This is an important interview for me. I want this job more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time… except you.” 

He smiled broadly. “Good save. Nat, they’d have to be stupid not to hire you. You look perfect and you would be perfect for this job. If they don’t agree, have them call me and I’ll tell them that myself.”

He’d thought his relationship with the sister of his co-worker had been a thing of the past. He valued his friendship and working relationship with Sam too much to risk it by dating his friend’s little sister. Though breaking off the relationship hadn’t been what either of them had wanted, they had both agreed it was better to keep the peace and end things as friends than to risk everything turning ugly later. He probably wouldn’t have given a relationship with the beautiful blonde another thought had Sam not asked him to have a drink with him about a month after Jules had been injured in the anthrax lab. 

Sam played with his drink, unsure of how to begin the conversation. Finally he downed his beer in one long swallow and set the glass down. He turned to his co-worker. “My sister has always had lousy taste in guys. Sometimes I think she goes out of her way to pick guys that are the complete opposite of both the General and me. They never end well.”

Spike had been on the verge of reassuring his friend once again that things were over between him and Natalie. He would even apologize again for keeping it all a secret; even though it seemed a little ridiculous considering Sam had been involved with his own secret relationship with Jules at the exact time. Before he could say anything though, Sam continued. “Nat’s always picked the worst losers to date and then she finally chooses a guy who would treat her right. Chooses the kind of guy I would approve of, and I blow things for her. I was a complete jackass. I had no right to interfere with the two of you dating.” 

Spike took his own long swallow of his beer, unable to believe what he was hearing. “What are you saying, Sam?”

“I’m saying after everything I went through to be able to be with Jules, I’d be a world class jerk to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness. I can’t say it doesn’t weird me out to think of my best friend dating my little sister. I certainly don’t want to hear any locker room talk about how your dating life is going but I don’t want to be the reason neither of you is happy right now. My sister likes you and I think you like her as well. I know you wouldn’t intentionally do anything to hurt her. If you two want to make a second chance of dating, I won’t stand in your way.”

It had meant a lot to Spike to know that Sam thought so highly of him. He hadn’t acted on Sam’s suggested at first, wanting to take the time to make sure it was what was best for both him and Natalie. He’d run into her at a club about two weeks later; she’d hooked up with another of what Sam would have called a loser who was giving her a rough time. He’d stepped in and they’d been a couple ever since. 

Now, most nights he spent with her in the apartment Sam had all but vacated once his relationship with Jules have been allowed to be public. In deference to his friend’s feelings, he didn’t make his relationship locker room talk material but kissing and telling -- when it was a really special relationship -- wasn’t his style anyway. In return, they were all glad that Sam was the same way about his relationship with Jules. They all considered her to be their own little sister and they didn’t want to hear about any bedroom activities that she might be involved in. 

Satisfied that she looked okay, Natalie allowed Spike to lead her out of the bathroom. They had a quick breakfast and left the apartment. She drove, dropping him off at work with a kiss and a promise to call him later and let him know how the interview went. Spike watched her until her car was completely out of sight before turning and entering the building. 

He took the stairs, walking up the flights with ease. He realized he wasn’t alone on the stairs; someone, a custodian from the uniform he was wearing, was about a flight and a half ahead of him. He was a little surprised, not many people outside the team chose the stairs in lieu of the elevator and especially not the custodial staff who were usually loaded down with their cleaning cart and other supplies that made stairs awkward. What further surprised him as he closed the gap was that the custodian was bypassing the other floors and heading toward the floor that was reserved for SRU. Only two custodians were cleared to work that floor and this guy wasn’t either of them. 

Spike waited until the other man’s hand was on the door that would open into the barn. “Hey buddy, wait up.”

He put on the extra speed and caught up with the man. He carefully noted the man’s dark hair and the badge on his uniform. Both the uniform and the badge appeared to be brand new. The name on the badge read Johnny Dawson. Spike frowned. “Where are you going?”

The custodian smiled, and Spike got the feeling the man was used to getting what he wanted with that smile. “Hi, I’m Johnny and today’s my first day. I was told to report to Henri when I arrived today but I can’t seem to find him. Figured this was the last place to check.” 

Henri Blatston had been the head custodian in the building for as long as Spike could remember. The slightly overweight, balding man who had to be approaching eighty was a favorite of everyone in the building; he was quiet and did his job thoroughly and with pride but always seemed to have a kind word or a piece of friendly, sage advice for anyone who needed it. Henri was one of the only two custodians that had the clearance to work on the SRU floor. Spike frowned. “Yeah, he usually starts his day up here but you can’t go in. New or not, I’m sure they told you this floor was off limits to anyone without clearance.”

Johnny hung his head sheepishly. “Yeah, they told me that in my interview. But I didn’t think it would hurt if I just went in to find Henri. I don’t want to be considered late on my first day and if I don’t find him soon I will be. I’m sure you can appreciate wanting to look good on your first day.”

Spike shrugged. “Still can’t let you cross that threshold. Protocol. Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll find Henri and let him know you are looking for him. You head back downstairs and wait for him in the custodial locker room. I’ll send him down there to find you.”

Johnny brightened again. “I appreciate that. Like I said, don’t want to make a bad impression on my first day.” He glanced at Spike’s nameplate. “Scarlatti, that’s Italian right?”

“Something like that.” Spike responded. He nodded down the stairs. “You’d better head down. I’ll send Henri to find you.”

“Thanks again, Constable Scarlatti.” He took three steps down the stairs before pausing and turning to look back at Spike. “Hey, you’re one of those SRU guys aren’t you? The ones that do all that cool sniper work and hostage negotiations? You must be pretty badass to be able to do that job.”

Spike shrugged. “It’s a great job but it’s not all fun and games. Look, let me give you some advice. Stay away from this floor if you know what’s good for you.” His eyes were dark but then lightened a little. “We take clearance pretty seriously here. You get caught being someplace you aren’t supposed to be; you’ll lose your job before you can learn to like it here.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Spike waited until the new custodian was completely out of sight before entering the barn. He went straight to where Winnie was already sitting at her place at dispatch. She smiled at him in greeting. “Morning, Spike. You are unusually early this morning. Everything okay?”

Spike blushed. He wasn’t by any means habitually late to work but he was usually skirting in at the last possible second. “Can‘t a guy run early once in his life without it being a big deal? Have you seen Henri this morning?”

“I think he’s finishing up in the gym.”

Thanking her, Spike continued down the hall to the gym. Sure enough the head custodian was just putting his mop back in the bucket after cleaning the gym floor. The older man smiled at Spike.

“Michaelangelo, good to see you. I’d give the floor a few minutes to dry before going in. I’d hate to see you slip and fall.”

“Henri, you got a new custodian starting today?” Spike leaned against the wall. The older man nodded.

“Dawson I believe. He was just hired yesterday. I’m glad to have him. We’ve been short a man for three weeks now.”

“I just caught him trying to enter this floor. He said he was looking for you. I sent him back down to the locker room with a reminder he’s not supposed to be up here.”

The older man shook his head. “They are supposed to tell the new hires in the interview about where they are cleared to go but some of these guys can get a little gung ho. I’ll make sure he doesn’t do it again. You have my word.” He started to push his bucket toward the elevator but stopped when his eye caught something on his cart. He picked up a medium sized bulging tan envelope and turned back to Spike. “I almost forgot. I found this on the floor in the girl’s locker room when I was cleaning up. I was going to leave it at the desk but I’ll give it to you instead.”

Spike took the envelope, surprised by its lack of weight despite the bulky nature. It was sealed and had two words scrawled on the front. Julianna Callaghan. He nodded. “I’ll give it to her when she gets in.”

He stood there long after Henri had pushed his equipment into the elevator and the door had closed behind him. He couldn’t help but wonder about the envelope and how it came to be in the locker room. It hadn’t been delivered by mail; there was no address or postage mark. He didn’t recognize the handwriting and didn’t know anyone who would actually call Jules by her given name. 

“What’s that, Spike?” The computer expert jumped at Sarge’s sudden appearance at his side. He’d been so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t heard Greg approach.

Spike shrugged. “Something of Jules’s. Must have fallen out of her locker when she left yesterday. Henri found it on the floor. Hey Sarge, I don’t want to bust someone’s chops on their first day but I think we need to watch the new custodian. He was trying to access the barn this morning. Said he was looking for Henri to report in and its probably nothing but better safe than sorry, right?”

Greg nodded. “Yeah, we go through this about every five hires Custodial makes. Did you get his name? I’ll make sure the brass enforces the issues.”

“Dawson. Johnny Dawson.”

Greg frowned but tried not to appear overly concerned. “I’ll make that call now. How about you give me that package and I’ll make sure Jules gets it when she gets here.”

Spike shrugged and handed it over. Raf was just coming down the hall and Spike followed him into the locker room, curious how the newest member of the team’s blind date had gone the night before. Greg frowned at the envelope in his hands, a bad feeling coming over him. He turned back toward the dispatch desk. 

“Winnie, get Myers from Custodial on the phone. I don’t want his secretary or any of his subordinates. I want to speak to Myers directly. Patch him through to the briefing room when you get him.”

“Copy that. Anything else?” Winnie was already dialing the number. 

Greg nodded. “As soon as Jules gets here, I need to see her.”

\-- FP --

In danger of being late, Jules let Sam out at the door before driving around to the parking lot. After finding her usual spot and pocketing the keys to the jeep, Jules jogged toward the building. She was surprised to see Sam waiting for her by the stairwell. She frowned. “I thought you were going to go on up so both of us wouldn’t be late.”

He shrugged. “We got a couple of minutes. So we’re not Jules punctual today. I don’t think Sarge is going to say anything.”

Jules punctual was what he called her steadfast believe that you weren’t on time unless you were at least ten minutes early. She was about to punch his arm good-naturedly when a sudden chill ran down her spine. She couldn’t help but feel like she was being watched. She twisted and looked around the lobby of the building. Aside from a custodian with his back to her mopping the floor, there was no one around. Still, her body shuddered at the uncomfortable feeling the experience left her with. She decided it must be a hold over reaction to finding all the hang up calls on the answering machine earlier. 

Sam held the door open, knowing they both liked the exercise the stairs provided over the elevator and knowing that it would be quicker than waiting for the slow moving elevator. He touched her arm, worried by the sudden change in her body language. “You okay?”

She forced a smile. “Yeah, sure. Let’s get upstairs before Sarge sends out a search party. Race ya.” Without waiting for his response, she took off up the stairs at a dead run. Sam shook his head and followed her. She loved competing against him because she never had to wonder after a victory if he let her win. He was just as competitive as she was and would never throw even a good natured challenge just to make her feel good. 

They reached the door at a dead tie; neither really even breathing hard from the exertion. Sam paused with his hand on the door. He leaned down and kissed her. It had started to be his habit before they started a shift. One last kiss away from cameras and prying eyes before he had to leave his personal relationships at the door. He opened the door. “Let’s go keep the peace.”

Winnie greeted them almost immediately. “Morning. Jules, Sarge wants to see you. He’s in the briefing room.” 

The couple exchanged a look of worry. Jules shrugged. “He’s probably just doing that overprotective papa bear check that everything’s okay. Go on and catch up with the guys in the locker room. I’ll see you in a few.”

Sam nodded reluctantly and watched as she slowly made her way to the large room. The garage style door did not come down behind her and he took that as a good sign. He made his way to the locker room. 

For her part, Jules felt like her legs were encased with cement. Lately meetings with Greg hadn’t been the most pleasant experiences no matter how easy he’d tried to make them. He was just hanging up the phone when she came in and he didn’t look happy. He nodded toward the chair. She shakily pulled the seat out and sat down. 

“Something wrong, Sarge?”

He sighed. “I don’t know yet.” He nodded toward the envelope in front of him. “Henri found that on the floor of your locker room this morning. Could it have fallen out when you left yesterday?”

She looked at the envelope and immediately recognized the scrawl. Her heart rate quickened. “Never saw it before.”

He pushed it toward her. “Open it.”

She didn’t want to open it at all let alone in front of Sarge. Who knew what Johnny had put inside. “It’s probably nothing. Besides, it’s almost briefing time. I’ll do it later.”

“Open it, Jules.” This time his tone brooked no argument. 

Chewing on her bottom lip, Jules sulkily reached for the offensive package and slit the seal. She glanced in the envelope first, not sure she’d hide its contents if they were too revealing. She paled and dumped out the single piece of paper folded beneath the lone object. It was an innocent stuffed animal but she recognized the message immediately. It was a plush gray kitten; not a one hundred percent match to Boxer but close enough to not be a coincidence. She unfolded the piece of paper. 

I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. Please forgive me.

“Dawson?” Greg quietly probed. 

She nodded. She wanted to sling the toy across the room, wanted to get it completely out of her sight and mind. As innocent as it appeared, and she was glad it was so innocuous looking, she knew Johnny had meant to awaken every ounce of pain she’d felt at seeing Boxer’s dead body on her pillow that morning. “How did it get in the locker room? It didn’t come through the mail. It had to be placed there.”

Greg wanted to wrap his arms around the young woman in a comforting hug. He could tell how upset she was but how tightly she was trying to keep those emotions from being seen. He kept his seat, trying to preserve her sense of control in the matter. “The halfway house he was assigned to, Kennington House, has a job placement program for their residents. Companies that agree to offer positions to help released inmates in their return to society. Metro Police is one of their participants. I found out this morning that Johnny took a position with our custodial staff yesterday.”

“Awesome.” Jules drawled out in the tone that said that it was anything but. Now she understood the feeling she’d had in the lobby. The custodian she’d seen the back of must have been Johnny. Her stomach turned. “Still, only Henri and Betty have access to our floor.”

Greg nodded. “I know but Spike already caught him trying to enter the barn this morning.” Seeing her look of panic he waved his hand. “Don’t worry. He didn’t know Johnny’s history with you. He just saw someone without clearance trying to gain access and put a stop to it. He reported it to me more as a mere formality. That might not have been Dawson’s first try. I put in a call to Myers in Custodial care but there’s nothing he’s willing to do. He said that he’d put a report in Dawson’s file about not following clearance protocol but that unless your uncle does something that warrants termination, he’s not willing to fire him. I‘m going to try to go over Myer‘s head.”

Jules felt cold in the otherwise warm room. “So far all we have on him is an apology attempt. They won’t fire him for that. Now that I know he’s working in the building, I’ll watch out for him. He wouldn’t try anything with a building full of cops.”

“Jules, you shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable here. I don’t like this.” Greg admitted softly. The young woman shrugged. 

“I don’t either but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking he’s getting to me. I can take care of myself and I know you and Sam will have my back.”

“And the rest of the team will as well.” He was sure she was about to protest once again that she didn’t want anyone to know about what happened. “I’ll tell them in the briefing that someone you helped put away has been released and is now working in the building. I want every eye possible keeping tabs on him. If he so much as rides this elevator to this floor, I want to know about it and I WILL have his job. This is nonnegotiable, Jules.”

An alarm buzzed and Winnie’s voice came over the intercom. “Team One, Hot Call. We have a report of a man threatening his business partner with a gun.” She gave the address as the team sprang into action. Thoughts of Johnny working in the building would have to wait until later.

\-- FP --

Sam was lying on the roof of the building across the street from the office where James Reynolds was currently holding Max Ledbetter at gunpoint. He was Sierra One and he had the solution if it were needed. Greg was handling the negotiations which weren’t going well. All they had learned so far was that Reynolds was upset about something that had supposedly happened a few weeks ago but so far neither man wanted to talk about what that was. 

“Sarge, Reynolds’s daughter just arrived on scene. She’s upset and claiming this is all her fault.” Jules’s voice filled his ear through the comlink. 

“Copy that. Talk to her; see if you can find out what precipitated all this.” Greg’s reply was quiet so as not to alarm the gun man. 

Sam was sure she could. Jules had a way of connecting to teenage girls that Sam had never seen before. She truly seemed to understand their angst; maybe because she’d once been a teenager herself. He returned his full concentration to his sniper position, hoping it wouldn’t be necessary to pull the trigger.

At the street level entrance, Jules led the distraught teenager into the command truck. Spike barely glanced at her as he continued his work at the computer. The girl looked at Spike nervously. “Does he have to be here?”

Jules smiled reassuringly. “Yeah, he does. He’s just going to sit there and do what he has to do and he’s not even going to pay us any attention. What’s your name?”

“Lara.” The teenager plucked at an imaginary piece of lint on her jeans and looked at the door as if she wanted to bolt. “Please don’t hurt my dad.”

Jules reached over and gave the younger girl’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “We’re doing everything we can to make sure everyone comes out of this safely. It would help if we knew why your dad is so upset.”

The teenager locked eyes with Jules and the SRU officer could see the pain in the younger girl’s eyes. Her stomach turned as she recognized that look of pain from the number of times she’d seen in it in her own eyes reflected back at her in the mirror. A single tear ran down the girl’s cheek and her lower lip quivered. “I never should have told him. I should have known he’d go ballistic. It’s all my fault.”

“Lara; listen to me.” Jules made sure that while her tone was firm, it was non threatening. “What’s happening in that office right now is not your fault. If your dad made a choice to react this way to something you told him then that was his decision and not yours. I doubt he’d want you blaming yourself. Anything you could tell us will help up do everything possible to make sure nobody gets hurt today.”

Lara took a deep shaky breath. “Two weeks ago I was home alone while Mom and Dad went out to celebrate their anniversary. Twenty five years. Anyway, Max came by the house. He said he had some important papers for Dad to sign and wanted to wait for him to get home. I didn’t think much about it; he was forever bringing things for Dad to sign. While he was waiting he suddenly started telling me how beautiful I was. It made me uncomfortable but I didn’t think much of it. Then he tried to kiss me and started trying to put his hand under my shirt.”

Again Jules felt her stomach doing somersaults and she wished that anyone else was doing this interview right then. But the she chided herself inwardly. The girl was upset and needed a friendly, female ear to talk to. She had to be that person. “Then what happened?”

Lara wiped away the tears that ran down her cheek. “I told him that what he was doing was wrong. I told him to leave. He apologized and said he must have misread my signals. He cautioned me not to tell my parents what happened because my parents would get the wrong idea. That they would think I was coming on to him. I wasn’t going to say anything. I thought maybe I had said or done something that gave him the wrong idea. But still every time Dad mentioned Max I would get upset. Last night Max came for supper and I tried to act like nothing happened. I got so sick to my stomach after he left that Mom and Dad insisted that I tell them what was upsetting me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dad so upset.”

Jules left her seat and retrieved a small bottle of water from the cooler they kept stock for long call outs. She handed it to the teenager as she reported back her discoveries. “Guys, Reynolds is in full Papa bear mode protecting his cub. Ledbetter attempted to molest Reynolds’s daughter.”

“Copy that.”

From his perch on the roof, Sam swore inwardly. He, along with everyone else, had heard the full conversation via Jules’s comlink. What made some men think they had a right to take advantage of young girls and then manipulate them into not telling anyone? Personally, he wanted to let Reynolds take the shot; it’s what he’d want to do if he ever had a daughter and someone tried to hurt her. Hell, he’d want to do the same thing if someone pulled that crap with either Natalie or Jules. Of course, Jules would be just as capable of putting a bullet into any asshole who pressed an unwanted advantage on her. 

“I was so stupid for telling Dad. I know how he is. I should have known he’d react violently. If I’d been stronger…” Lara’s voice was almost hysterical as it filled his ears almost in stereo as it was picked up by both Jules’s and Spike’s comlinks. 

“Don’t.” Jules interrupted her. “Don’t for a minute think you were stupid or weak. Lara, you didn’t let him hurt you. Do you know how much strength it takes to prevent a bad situation from getting infinitely worse? I don’t have to tell you what he might have done to you if you hadn’t made him leave. As for telling your parents, that took more strength than keeping it inside. You didn’t fall for his manipulation. No matter what happens in that office today, you didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything right. You were so much stronger than most girls in your situation would be.”

Sure, she didn’t do anything wrong, Sam silently agreed with Jules. But she would be the one to have to live with the consequences. If, God forbid, someone else hurt her, would she have the guts to admit to it after witnessing her father’s reaction today? And how long would it take her to trust another guy to shower attention on her without doubting his motives or being reminded about what Ledbetter had done to her? How long would Ledbetter’s actions haunt her dreams or affect her reactions to future boyfriends?

“Situation contained. Sierra One stand down.” 

Sam lowered his weapon, glad that he hadn’t been needed. He was sure that both Reynolds and Ledbetter would be taken into custody but he imagined the courts would go easy on the father in light of the situation. At least he hoped so for Lara’s sake. 

“Lara, don’t regret telling what happened to you.” Jules was apparently still trying to reassure the distraught teen. “This isn’t something you have to keep secret. You can get help and you don’t have to live with this pain for the rest of your life. As bad as things seem now, you will recover from this.”

There was such an air of authority in Jules’s voice. It almost seemed to Sam that she was talking from personal experience. If he didn’t know better… 

He paused halfway down the stairs from the building he’d been perched on. Did he know better? He’d always wondered why Jules was so insistent about certain actions in the bedroom. Was there a reason why she wouldn’t let him kiss her breasts or touch her in intimate places? He was a cop trained to recognize the signs but could he have been so close to Jules that he hadn’t wanted to see them in her? He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall for a moment as the sheer enormity of his thoughts hit him. Jules had been so empathic with the teenage boy at the school the day the teacher’s bullet had struck her bullet proof vest and again today with Lara. It wasn’t because she’d been trained to do so but because she’d lived it first hand. 

Her reactions this last week suddenly made sense to him. He’d wondered slightly at her reactions to Dawson being released from prison. She hadn’t been angry that the man who had killed her mother was being released but her reactions had been much more drastic, almost frightened. Had Jules’s mother been killed because she’d walked in and caught her brother in the act of hurting Jules? He could just imagine what that guilt and pain could do to a distraught teenager. 

He ran the rest of the way out of the building and practically threw his gun at Raf asking him to store it in the truck for him. He saw Jules standing in the lobby of the building where Lara was now in the embrace of a tall slender woman that he assumed was the girl’s mother. He turned off his mike as he plowed into the building and pulled Jules to the side. He reached down and turned her mike off. 

“Be honest with me Jules. Your uncle wasn’t just intent on killing you and your mother that night was he?” His tone was quiet but full of anger he was trying to repress against anyone who would dare hurt the woman he loved.

“Sam.” Her tone was low and held more than a hint for him to back off. But he was too upset to leave the matter alone.

“It all makes sense to me now. The certain ways you don’t like to be touched. The reason why your job was more important than our relationship. The fears you’ve been trying to hide since your uncle was released. I understand it all now. You never told anyone what he did to you, did you? Never told anyone that the sonofabitch raped you.” 

“Damn you to hell, Sam.” Her face was pale and she pushed past him just as he realized that he’d heard her response and every word he’d said reverberating in his ear as they were being said. He turned as she stormed from the building and saw the entire team standing there in a semi-circle, similar looks of horror filling their faces.


	11. Chapter 11

As Jules stormed past the semi-circle of their co-workers without stopping, all Sam could do was stand there and watch her. The color drained from his face and he closed his eyes as the knowledge sank in that he had just made the single worst mistake of his entire life. He couldn’t help but wonder what the hell he had been thinking.

He should have been thinking that there was no way Jules would appreciate him expressing where his thoughts had taken him at all. If he was right about what Johnny Dawson had done to her -- and he couldn’t imagine he’d figured it wrong -- then Jules had been keeping that pain a secret for twenty years; it was obviously something she didn’t want anyone, not even him, to know about. 

But to press her about it not only while they were at work but finishing up a crime scene? That hadn’t been his brightest idea. Had he even been thinking at all or just reacting to the stunning realization that someone had dared to hurt the woman he loved, even if the event had happened before he knew her in order to love her? Or had he subconsciously known she’d fight him over it and thought that, here at least, she’d have to temper her reactions to avoid attracting the attention of the others? 

But his single biggest mistake had been the radios. He’d made sure to turn off his so his words wouldn’t carry over the mike. He didn’t want to reveal her secrets to everyone; that had never been his intention. He’d even reached over and turned hers off as well. He just hadn’t paid attention to the fact that she’d been talking to Lara and her mother and those words of probably comfort and help hadn’t been transmitted. Her radio had already been off and in his attempt to keep the conversation private, had opened it up for everyone to hear. She would never forgive him for that. It wasn’t just that he’d blurted out for the team to hear what he believed could have been the worst moment in her life and in the revealing told the rest of the team about her mother’s death at the same time. That would have been bad; that would have put him in the doghouse for quite a while but that she’d probably ultimately forgive. His greatest sin was that by turning on her mike, his words had become part of the transcript of the call. His accusation was now a part of the official record and subject to Commander Holleran and any other outside source like Larry Toth to see and report on at any time. 

It only took a few seconds of inner reflection to know how thoroughly he’d screwed up and then he opened his eyes to see the team alternating between looking at him and following Jules’s retreating figure as she made her way to the SUVs. All Sam knew for sure at that moment was that he had to try to make things right -- even if it was impossible. His feet were propelling him forward even before his brain made the conscious decision to follow her. As he passed the rest of the team, Greg tried to stop him.

“Sam, leave her alone.” There was an air of authority and just a touch of parental protectiveness in the older man’s tone that almost made Sam reconsider. Almost but not enough to actually stop him.

“Sorry, Boss; can’t do that.” He flung the door of the office building open and paused just long enough for his eyes to readjust to the bright light so he could locate her. 

She was at the back of the SUV they driven to the call in, tearing at the straps of her Kevlar vest as if it had personally offended her. Sam sighed; her jerky movements were telling him exactly the extent of her anger. Squaring his shoulders, he made his way to her, leaning against the side of the vehicle once he reached it. He motioned toward her radio, silently asking this time whether it was off or on. He didn’t want to risk another syllable being uttered. She rolled her eyes.

“Great, now you ask. Too bad you couldn’t have thought of that five minutes ago.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to protest. He hadn’t meant for anything he said to be transmitted; he had tried to do the right thing. But he said nothing because she was right. If he had been thinking instead of reacting to his sudden insight, he would have done just that. Instead, he started to apologize, “Jules, I never meant…”

But Jules clearly wasn’t ready to hear it. “Never meant to what, Sam? Make unfounded accusations based on some sort of ridiculous notion you got into your head? Discuss our personal relationship so that now all the guys on the team think I have bedroom issues? Or was it you didn’t mean to tell the team what happened to my mom -- a subject you knew damn well I didn’t want becoming public fodder?”

As she ticked off his sins one by one, Sam could almost feel the ground sinking beneath him. He’d been prepared for the anger he heard as she lashed out at him but the hurt underneath that anger cut him to the very core. “All of it. Jules, I’m sorry. You’ve got to know the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you. Babe, we’ve got to talk about this.”

Jules finished putting her vest away in the back of the SUV before swirling on him. “No, we don’t. I’m not going to discuss any of this with you. Not here and certainly not on the job.”

Sam could feel his own anger starting to eclipse his guilt over how he’d handled things. He loved her more than he could express in words and his heart was torn to shreds with just the thought that someone had mistreated her. But if she was too stubborn to admit it had even happened, how could they get beyond it? “If not here and now, then when? You’ve spent twenty years not facing the truth.”

Jules looked ready to slam him against the vehicle. “Bastard. Who says I’ve spent twenty years not facing the truth? Just because you’ve concocted some sort of twisted version of what you think might have happened, doesn’t mean that it really did. You don’t know anything.”

“Then tell me.’ Sam’s tone softened and if there was even the slightest hint of a plea in his voice, he didn’t care.

“Sam. Jules.” Greg’s announcement of his approach before he caught them unaware was the mark of a true negotiator. His expression was completely neutral; if he had an opinion concerning what had happened -- and there was no question he did, there was no indication as to what it would be. “We’re finished here. Obviously there is discussion needed on all this but now is not the time. The shift is just beginning. Maybe the two of you should take the rest of the day off. I can call in someone from Team Four to cover.”

“Not necessary for me, Sarge.” Jules assured him. 

Greg shook his head. “You sure, Jules? I can’t use you if you’re too upset to handle any call we might get.”

“Copy that. Sniper hands; see?” She held out her arms, palms down, to show that they were perfectly steady. Not even a hint of a tremble was visible. “Not sure about Sam though. He’s the one who doesn’t seem to have his head in the game today.”

“She’s got a point, Sam. I have to know if you can put this aside and do your job.”

How could anyone expect him to put aside his fears that the woman he loved had been assaulted? But still, it appeared that Jules was doing just that. If he was right, she’d dealt with the knowledge for twenty years. If he was wrong, then his relationship was probably over and work would be all he had left. It might still be regardless. “I can handle it.” Sam assured him.

“Good, you’re with me.” It essentially went against his better judgment to let them work but at the very least he could make sure they weren’t in a vehicle together. He’d debated who to pair with Jules. Ed’s no-nonsense demeanor could be good but Greg worried it would just escalate an already potentially volatile state. Raf always meant well but hadn’t learned that sometimes it was better not to try to tackle problems head on, especially when dealing with Jules. Spike’s easy going nature might be exactly what Jules needed. “Spike, you’re with Jules. We’ll patrol for a couple of hours before heading back to the barn.”

Spike ambled over, a laptop tucked under his arm. Without any discussion he climbed into the passenger side and fastened his seatbelt. Jules shook her head. “You aren’t even going to put up a token of a fight over who drives?”

Spike shook his head. “I’m listening to Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. You never let me drive so why should we even pretend I have a chance of it today? Besides I have something to take care of while we patrol.”

Jules took her place behind the wheel and jammed the key into the ignition. Despite her steady hands, she was far from the picture of calm she wanted people to believe she was. For twenty years she’d managed to keep the full details of what had happened to her a secret from everybody. As far as she knew, no one connected with the case had even suspected there might have been more to it. She’d allowed Johnny to manipulate her into silence not just out of fear of what kind of trouble her father could get into but mostly to hide her guilt and shame over what she’d allowed to happen. Now, for the first time, her secret torment was open for public scrutiny. 

Well, not exactly for the first time, she reluctantly reminded herself. There was that one time in college. Her first serious boyfriend with whom she’d let down her guard enough to become intimate. However as their first attempt at lovemaking began to get heated, her discomfort started to overshadow her desires, especially as his roaming hands brought back painful memories. When his mouth had closed over her right breast and his hand sought out her most intimate places, discomfort had turned to outright terror. She’d shoved him away and threatened him with bodily harm if he came close to her again. 

He hadn’t gotten mad and called her a freak like she’d feared he would. Instead he’d apologized for upsetting her and asked how long it had been since she’d been attacked. Horrified that he’d picked up on what had happened to her, she’d broken off the relationship without any explanation. She’d been careful after that; learned how to avoid the pitfalls of intimacy that would result in a bad reaction.

Now as she silently maneuvered the SUV through the streets, she was glad Spike was absorbed in whatever he was doing with the computer. She needed the time alone with her thoughts. Even though she was furious with Sam, perhaps angrier then she’d ever been with him, she did love him. They had fought too hard to get to where they currently were and she wasn’t ready to see their relationship come to an end. She trusted him with her life and her heart but she wasn’t sure she trusted anyone enough with her secrets.

“It’s no longer a part of the transcript.” Spike’s sudden interruption of the silence made her jump. 

She looked over at him. He couldn’t be talking about the bomb Sam had dropped on her after turning on her radio instead of off like she knew he thought he had been doing. Probation for Team One might be over but still such a breech of protocol could be disastrous for them all. “What are you talking about?” The look he returned her said her suspicions were accurate. She groaned. “Spike…”

“Just following orders. It’s okay, the call was over -- no reason for what was said to be a matter of record. Now it’s not. I wouldn’t even have said anything but I didn’t want you worrying about the fallout.”

“Thanks.” Jules acknowledged softly then continued, “Got some sort of computer majo that’ll erase his words from everyone’s memory?”

“You’re our friend and we care about you; nothing Sam said will change that. No matter what happened…” he saw the glare she immediately pointed his way and amended his statement. “Or didn’t happen, it’s not gonna change the way we treat you.”

“Right.” Jules dragged out the word to show her disbelief. 

“I already knew about your mother.” Spike admitted. Jules looked at him sharply and he shrugged. “What can I say, I got computer mojo, remember? I probably know things about every member of the team that not even the person himself knows. I read the transcript of the trial our first year working together.”

For a moment, Jules didn’t respond; letting the knowledge sink in. She glanced over toward him. “You never said anything.”

“I did my research because I could, not because I needed the information.” He explained. “You obviously didn’t want anyone to know and didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t see any reason to bring it up. We’re friends and co-workers but there’s no reason why we can’t have our private issues.”

“And you’re confessing to knowing now to try to get Sam out of trouble?” It wasn’t that she was trying to pick a fight. She should have realized that it wouldn’t have been impossible for the computer expert to come across the transcript and she was grateful he’d never used the information.

Spike shook his head. “No, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t send him completely packing tonight. Nat and I have big plans and frankly, we’ve gotten pretty used to having his apartment to ourselves. I just don’t want you worrying that I’m going to start treating you differently. I guess now would also be a good time to admit that I know that the SOB responsible was released and is working in the building.”

“Sarge said you caught him trying to access our floor. He made it seem like you were just following protocol.” Jules wasn’t sure why she was finding it so easy to talk to Spike; maybe it was because he wasn’t pressing her for details she wasn’t ready to divulge. 

“I didn’t know who all was aware of the situation. I told Dawson this morning he’d better keep his distance and I meant it; he’s not going to get another chance to hurt you, physically or mentally.” Spike didn’t add that he was now wishing he’d given in to his gut instinct to toss the scumbag over the stair railing while he had the chance. He couldn’t be sure if Sam’s assumptions were right and he was absolutely sure Jules wouldn’t confirm it if he was. Still he’d gotten a vibe from the guy in the few minutes he spent with Dawson that he hadn’t liked.

“You notice how quiet the coms are? I bet they’re all talking about what Sam said.” Jules mused as she pulled into the drive-thru at Timmy’s. Perhaps another double double could make the day more manageable.

“If they are, you gotta know its because they want to be supportive. They aren‘t going to judge you any more than I will.” He didn’t try to deny that they were talking about her which pretty much confirmed that he believed they were as well.

“Awesome.’ Jules muttered.

\-- FP --

“You think its true?” Raf broached the subject he was sure was on both their minds after Ed had been driving for about ten minutes. Before that both men had been lost in their own respective thoughts.

Ed checked both the rearview and side mirror before turning on his blinker and changing lanes. His expression, had it been visible through his dark shades, would have been unreadable. “That Jules’s mother was murdered? Can’t see why Sam would make that up.”

Raf shook his head. “Not that; the other. That she was raped.”

It was an ugly word; Ed had always thought so. Still, in his profession it was one of those inexcusable atrocities he was confronted with almost on a daily basis. It was never easy trying to comfort a woman who’d just suffered the most humiliating moment of her life and remain stoic enough to ask the difficult questions that would hopefully bring the attacker to justice. Trying not to imagine what it would be like if God forbid it ever happened to Sophie. It had only gotten harder after Izzy had been born, knowing the job be dammed if anybody ever laid a finger on his precious baby girl. But trying to picture Jules in that situation? It seemed unfathomable. “I don’t know. I mean this is Jules we’re talking about. I have a hard time picturing anybody getting the better of her that way.”

“We’ve both worked this job long enough to know the worst can happen even to the strongest person. Even tough-as-nail Jules Callaghan.” Raf reminded him. “Although from the way Sam talked, this happened twenty years ago. Jules would have just been a kid. I know better than most that its not that difficult for an adult to take advantage of a kid. Even tough-as-nails Jules Callaghan.”

Ed didn’t answer. Raf frowned; even though he’d known Jules the least amount of time, he’d immediately come to think of her as a little sister. It sickened him to think that any man had hurt her so brutally, especially as he’d known that level of pain and humiliation first hand. He could only imagine it must be worse for the others who had worked with and known her for years rather than months. Yet Ed seemed almost unfazed. Raf narrowed his eyes.

“Do you even care that someone might have raped an innocent kid and then murdered her mother?” He almost growled the words, content to take his emotions out on Ed if he couldn’t do so on the man who had really hurt his friend.

Ed half turned so that he could watch the road and look at the man in the passenger seat. “You think I don’t care? Why? Because I’m not going off half-cocked based on a feeling Sam had? A feeling he didn’t even mean to share with the rest of us? If Jules was raped -- and I hope like hell she wasn’t -- there’s nothing I can do about it until or if Jules decides to let us. She won’t appreciate us butting in uninvited, and if we push the issue, we’ll only hurt her worse. So don’t sit over there all sanctimonious and insinuate I don’t care.”

Ed returned his attention to the road. He supposed he had made it easy for the rest of the team and especially Jules to think he might not care. He’d never been one to wear his emotions for everyone to see; it was a trait he usually shared the most with Jules, but that ability had cracked a little after Jules had been shot. He hadn’t really made it a secret that he would rather have Donna Sabine on Team One even after Jules passed her tests requalifying her to return to duty. He’d heard the whisperings that had made their way through all the teams as his preferences became public knowledge. 

Some had associated his choice with the assumption that he didn’t think Jules was really capable of handling the job after her injury. Others thought he was trying to separate Jules and Sam because of their secret relationship that had come to light in the aftermath of the shooting. There were even those who went so far as to suggest that Ed had chosen Donna because he had romantic feelings for former Vice officer. The last suggestion had bothered him the most and he prayed that Sophie never caught wind of that ridiculous insinuation. He never tried to correct any of the reasons nor had he put forth one of his own when Jules herself had cornered him and asked for one, even though he’d known she’d been hurt by his rejection. 

He allowed people, and Jules, to think what they wanted because no matter how horrible their beliefs were, they were still better than the real reason. He would never admit it but his desire to not have Jules return to Team one had been purely a selfish one. Even after all this time, every time he saw her, thought about the pain she’d endured, witnessed the hard work she’d put into rehabilitation just to earn her shop back and had gone through a similar stint in rehab after his own gunshot wound, he felt guilty. It was because of him that she’d been shot in the first place. She’d almost lost her life because someone was out for revenge on Ed because he’d taken a Scorpio shot on the boy’s father. 

His guilt was made worse by the knowledge that Jules didn’t hold him to blame. Instead, she’d taken the energy that would have been wasted on feeling sorry for herself and seeking a scapegoat and channeled it into what it would take to come back stronger than ever. She might not ever have considered blaming him but Ed still accepted the blame he knew in his heart was his. Though he had and still did believe Donna made a great SRU team member, his main desire to see her remain on Team One in Jules’s place had been an attempt to save himself from being face to face with his guilt on a daily basis.

He softened his tone as the silence got uncomfortable. “Jules is strong. If someone did hurt her, she’s not going to let what happened get the better of her. She wouldn’t give anybody that satisfaction.” 

“I don’t care how strong someone is; you don’t get past something like rape on sheer willpower and nerve. If she never told anybody, then she never got that kind of help.”

Ed shook his head. “You know as well as I do that you can’t give someone help until they ask for it. From what I saw today, Jules isn’t there yet. Knowing Jules, she may never be.”

\-- FP --

“Tell me I’m wrong.” Sam pleaded as soon his back hit the driver’s seat in the truck he’d be sharing with Greg.

“Wrong to have handled things the way you did? I don’t think you need me to tell you that. As for anything else, I hope you are. I’ve heard Jack tell the story of that night so many times I feel like I was there. He’d left a seminar early because Margaret had called and asked him to come home. From the way he talked, Jules was almost catatonic when he arrived but he never gave any indication that Dawson had hurt her in any way. The first responders didn’t report anything that would indicate that Jules had been assaulted.”

Sam wanted to take solace in that news. He would give anything to be wrong even if it meant he’d ruined his relationship for nothing. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t ignore the growing certainty that he’d been right in his musing. “What if it happened before that night? According to what Mr. Callaghan told me, Johnny admitted that he’d had a fight with Jules’s mom earlier in the day that he killed her. Maybe she confronted him with the knowledge that she knew what he’d done to Jules and he decided to kill her to shut her up.”

Greg stared out the window. He knew Sam was making suppositions here and there was no way of knowing if there was any truth in it unless Jules would agree to talk about that night. Still, part of their job was taking the pieces of information they did have and make it make sense. He had to admit that Sam’s theory seemed plausible and answered all those questions that had haunted Greg over the years when he thought about the case. “Let’s assume for just a moment you’re right. Johnny raped Jules and she confided in her mother. Margret confronts Johnny and kicks him out of the house; then she calls Jack and tells him to come home. She doesn’t tell him the whole story because she doesn’t want him driving upset. Before Jack can get there, Johnny returns and stabs Margaret to death and then plans on killing Jules as well, presumable with your theory to keep his secret. Jules manages to get her father’s gun and shoots Johnny before he can finish the job.”

It would have made Sam feel better if Greg had totally dismissed his idea as not possible. Instead, the older man was outlining a scenario that seemed all too scarily realistic. Despite his promise that he could handle the job, Sam wanted nothing more than to find Jules and take her in his protective arms and shield her from everything that they were supposing had happened. “We can sit here and run scenarios all day but all they’ll be are theories if we can’t convince Jules to open up.”

Greg tried to picture a sixteen year old Jules facing the situation he’d postulated. A rape in itself to an innocent teen would have been bad enough. He’d seen young girls in similar situations who couldn’t get past the hurt and humiliation to admit the truth. Girls who were too afraid no one would believe them if they told or worse accuse them of getting what they had wanted. “If we’re right, Jules saw the one person she’d confided in murdered because of that secret. We’re talking guilt on top of the pain of the attack. I remember Jack once saying he sometimes felt like it wasn’t that Jules wouldn’t talk about the murder but that she couldn’t. Maybe she couldn’t.”

Sam felt a chill run down his spine. “Maybe she still can’t. She’s scared, Sarge. She’s trying hard to hide it but I can tell. She had a nightmare yesterday that he was coming back to finish the job.” He remembered the hang up calls and groaned. “I think he was calling her yesterday. Someone would hang up immediately if I answered but if the machine picked up, he’d listen to the message -- Jules’s voice -- before hanging up. The number was blocked but I bet you it was him. Seems like too much of a coincidence that we get a prank caller the same day he’s released. Damn him. If this guy is ballsy enough to start calling only hours after being released, who knows what else he might try?”

Getting a job in the same building as SRU and leaving packages in the locker room for Jules, apparently. Greg didn’t think it was wise to tell Sam about either of those. Sam was barely holding it together as it was; he’d completely flip out if he knew the man he believed had hurt Jules was so close. “We’re going to make sure he doesn’t get close to Jules. And if he did hurt her all those years ago, he’ll pay.”

\-- FP --

“I can’t believe we spent practically the whole day in that vehicle.” Spike complained once Jules pulled into her space back at headquarters. The couple of hours of patrol Greg had suggested after the call had stretched into practically the whole shift. They now had just an hour left of their shift; time enough to return to the barn for their workout and debriefing. 

Jules hadn’t minded the time away from everyone else. Spike hadn’t pushed her to talk and she hadn’t had to face any concerned faces or field any questions she’d rather not answer. If she could just get through the next hour, she’d count the day a partial success. It wouldn’t keep Sam from picking up the conversation once they got home but at least there, she didn’t have to feel like she was in a fishbowl. 

“Come on, I hear a treadmill calling my name.” 

Spike’s phone buzzed and he recognized Natalie’s number on the display. “Go on up; I’ve got to take this.” 

Jules nodded and entered the building. She’d almost managed to forget that Johnny was working in the building but as she walked through the lobby toward the stairwell she was reminded of the feeling of being watched she’d experienced that morning. Her hand rested on the butt of her service revolver; something she never thought about doing in the building. The stairwell door closed behind her and she started up the stairs to the barn. At the first landing the door opened and a custodian stepped out. 

Thought it had been twenty years since she’d last seen him, she recognized him immediately. Her breath caught in her chest and her heart began to pound. Her hand tightened reflexively on her gun but she didn’t pull it. She was transported back in time to when she was sixteen and once more felt helpless and trapped. 

Johnny smiled as he recognized who he was sharing the stairwell with. He hadn’t expected or even planned on her seeing him today but he wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. “Hello JAC.”


	12. Chapter 12

Jules’s grip tightened on her gun but she didn’t remove it from her holster. Dimly the thought crossed her mind that she could flip her radio on and simple say Spike’s name and he would hear in her voice the need to come on the run. But she left the radio on silent not wanting to chance Johnny saying something she didn’t want the whole team to hear. Besides, while she trusted the team to always have her back and there had been times there had been no way out of a situation without their assist, this wasn’t one of them.

“What are you doing here?” Her eyes narrowed to bare slits and her jaw clenched tightly.

Johnny shrugged looking not in anyway bothered by the situation. “I could say the same about you. You work in this building too? Talk about coincidence. I guess we’ll be bumping into each other all the time. Which department are you working for?”

Though he made no overt move to get closer to her, Jules still felt crowded. She took a step backward, shaking her head. “Bullshit. Don’t hand me some line about coincidences and act all surprised to see me. You knew I worked here. God knows how you found out, but you knew. This is all some sort of twisted attempt on your part to cause me misery. You even left a package for me in the locker room.”

Johnny neither confirmed or denied her accusation. He smiled at her, the expression reminding Jules of a wolf about to devour its prey. She took another step backward not even noticing how close she was getting to the steps behind her. Her skin tingled as if she could still feel his hands touching her body. The knot her stomach had been twisted in since she’d gotten the news about his release tightened and the club sandwich Spike had insisted she eat for lunch sat heavily on her stomach. “Isn’t it enough you ruined my life twenty years ago? Do you have to do the same thing now?”

“Ruined your life? JAC, what about my life? I’ve spent the last twenty years in a six by ten cell, sharing showers and an exercise yard with the worst mankind has to offer. I sacrificed my freedom to protect you. Nobody came to visit me. I had nothing. But look at you; you grew up with your family supporting you. You’ve got a respectable career following in your daddy’s footsteps. I bet you even have a handsome boyfriend warming your bed every night. Doesn’t seem like a ruined life, in fact it seems pretty damn near perfect to me.” He gave her a careful once over and Jules immediately felt dirty just from having him look at her. “My God, I thought you were a beautiful woman back then but look at you know. Even in a uniform and with your hair all pulled back like that, you’re a knockout. You must drive the guys wild around here.”

She took one more step backward and it proved to be one step too many. Expecting the surface to remain flat instead of a step being there, Jules’s foot met air and she started to flail. Johnny moved toward her and caught her before she could fall. He pulled her back to the safety of the landing, his arms wrapped around her to steady her.

The feel of him holding her was too much for her. Without conscious thought as to what she was doing, Jules broke free of his grasp in one clean side step. The training she’d received at the academy and especially for her role in SRU kicked in on autopilot. Before Johnny had time to react at all, Jules grabbed his right arm with her left and spun him around so that she could shove him face first against the wall, his arm twisted uselessly up his back. At almost the same time, she pulled her revolver from its holster with her right hand and pressed the barrel to the back of his head.

“Don’t. Don’t even think about it. I’m not that same helpless kid I was twenty years ago. Back then there wasn’t much I could do to stop what was happening but I have grown up. I’m smarter; I’m stronger; and I’m a hell of a better shot than I was the last time you messed with me. You think you can intimidate me by getting a job in my building? By making prank calls to my house? By leaving me thinly veiled threats in my locker room? I’m not scared of you. Mess with me now and I’ll make that scar I bet you still sport on your shoulder from the last bullet I put in you seem like a paper cut.”

If the presence of a gun to the back of his head worried him, Johnny didn’t show it. Instead he actually twisted as much as his limited mobility allowed to look at her through the corner of his eye. “Is such hostility really necessary, JAC? After all, I just saved your life. That would have been a nasty fall if I hadn’t caught you. That’s the way it is with you, though, isn’t it? Pity, it seems like all my attempts to save you cause me pain and hardship. One might think you’re ungrateful.”

“Ungrateful?” Jules pressed the barrel deeper into the back of his head. “Are you even freaking serious? What should I have been grateful for twenty years ago? You disemboweled a kitten and left it’s bloody body on my pillow for me to find. You murdered my mother and even made the final stab that took her life right in front of me. And you think I should be grateful?” She didn’t mention the other atrocities; the memory of what he’d done to her personally had been replaying in her mind intermittingly for twenty years and with increasing regularity since the news of his release. They’d been practically nonstop since Sam had confronted her with his fears at the call that morning.

She heard a door below her close with a loud bang and the clang of boots reverberating through the stairwell mixed with the off pitch sound of someone whistling. She knew it was Spike; he must have completed his phone call and was coming up to join her in what he’d expect to be the gym. She knew she should re-holster her weapon and release Johnny. There’d be too many questions otherwise. But she was locked in her current position, unable to let go but unable to cross that line and pull the trigger. 

The whistling stopped as Spike realized he wasn’t alone in the stairwell. “You getting slow or just waiting on me?” As he got close enough to see the situation, he immediately reached for his own weapon. 

“Jules, sit-rep.” He swore to himself that if Johnny Dawson had managed to hurt his friend in the time it took Spike to hold a brief conversation with Natalie, he’d never forgive himself.

“Constable Scarlatti, so nice to see you again.” Johnny drawled as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening instead of like a man whose face was smushed against the wall with a gun pointed at the back of his head. “Hopefully you can help me out here. Constable Callaghan here is bordering on police brutality despite my better intentions. Perhaps you will have better luck getting her to put her weapon away.”

“Police brutality my foot. Noble intentions? You sick piece of pond scum. Jules, sit-rep. You okay?” He hoped by repeating his request for a situation report, it would jolt her back into a little more of a professional outlook. 

“How disappointing; I’d been assured my past incarceration wouldn’t be public knowledge. I assure you Constable Scarlatti, I did nothing except for preventing my niece here from suffering a terrible fall.”

Jules’s continued silence worried Spike more than anything. Her trigger finger was steady; she wasn’t preparing to fire, but he wasn’t comfortable with the situation regardless. “Yeah? What part did you play in her being about to fall in the first place? Jules, I have him covered. Stand down.” Still not getting a reaction, he tried one more tactic. “Jules, stand down or I’ll have to call the rest of the team to assist with the situation.”

His not-entirely-empty threat seemed to do the trick. The barrel came back and then the gun was returned to her holster. She released her grip on his arm and backed away, this time away from the steps and toward the wall. Wisely Johnny didn’t move at all until there was a good five feet of distance between him and Jules. When he did move it was simply to interlock his fingers together behind his head; a position he’d probably gotten all too familiar with while in prison.

Spike climbed the last few steps to join them on the landing. He did a quick check for any potential weapons before risking a glance at Jules. “You okay? What happened?”

“I’m fine. He told the truth; I started to fall and he grabbed me. It caught me by surprise and I overreacted. It’s fine, you can put your weapon away as well. There‘s no problem.” Now that there was once more distance between them, Jules could think and act rationally again.

Almost reluctantly Spike holstered his own revolver. He looked from Jules to Johnny and back again to Jules. He had a feeling there was more to the story than what he’d been told but he was also pretty sure neither Johnny nor Jules would be forthcoming with the truth. He wasn’t completely ready to let the matter drop, however. He glared at Dawson who by now had turned around to lean against the wall.

“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing here but you’d be wise to watch your step. You mess with Jules and she’ll wipe the floor with your ass. And then for good measure the rest of the team will take a turn with whatever’s left of you -- that is, if there IS anything left of your worthless carcass when she’s through.” 

“I never realized the Strategic Response Unit was staffed by constables so short-tempered and violent. I can’t imagine that makes for good public relations.” Dawson pushed off from the wall. “Now, if the two of you are quite finished harassing me, I’d like to get back to work. I’d hate for someone to start asking questions about what’s taking me so long. I think it would cause more trouble for you than it would me if I had to explain my tardiness.”

The sheer oiliness in the man’s tone made Spike once again want to show him the express way down the stairwell -- without the benefit of rappelling gear. Making sure to keep himself as a human barrier between Johnny and Jules, he nodded toward the stairs. “Get out of here before I decide it might be worth it to teach you the real definition of police brutality.” 

Just as he had that morning, Spike waited until the new custodian had completely disappeared down the stairs before moving. Once he was sure he was alone with Jules, he turned to face his friend. “You okay? Really okay, not the standard ain’t-no-frigging-way-but-I’ll-say-I-am-reagardless okay you’re famous for.”

Despite her anger, and - though she was loathe to call it that - fear, Jules couldn’t help but smile a little. Apparently she didn’t fool anyone with her standard reply. Had anyone else asked the same question, she probably would have bristled at the insinuation she wouldn’t be. But Spike was different and she wasn’t exactly sure why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the scenario he’d laid out for her uncle had given her first crack at hurting him instead of waiting for someone else to take care of her. 

“Embarrassed more than anything. I haven’t seen him in twenty years and I guess all that repressed pain and anger over my mom’s death just overwhelmed me. I’d like to think I was professional enough not to have crossed that line but I don’t think I was really thinking clearly.”

Together they continued up the stairs. Spike was weighing the questions and concerns he had against the probability of further upsetting Jules. He was sure almost every member of the team had experienced moments when they had either lost or almost lost control when dealing with a suspect. Hell, if he could have had five minutes alone with the person who planted that land mine that cost Lew his life, what he’d just witnessed here would have resembled a Sunday afternoon picnic. Still, it was seeing Jules lose control inside their own HQ that troubled Spike the most.

After greeting Winnie, Jules pulled Spike into the lady’s locker room so they could talk without being interrupted. She pulled herself up to sit on the counter by the sinks while Spike leaned against the wall waiting. It took her a few moments to work up the courage to ask the question weighing on her mind. “I appreciate the assist back there but I appreciate the fact that you didn’t make it seem like I needed you to step in the most.” 

Spike shrugged. “You didn’t need me. Still, I feel bad you had to face him alone to start with. I should have had your back instead of stopping to talk to Natalie.”

Jules frowned. “You did have my back, Spike. I never doubted it for a second. I don’t suppose I could talk you into not mentioning what happened in the stairwell to Sarge?” Jules pleaded but then added. “or Sam for that matter.”

Spike shoved his hands in his pockets. It seemed like a simple request really. “Sam won’t hear a thing from me.“ That part was easy to agree to. “Sarge is a different story.” While she’d danced a tango on the line, she hadn’t completely crossed it and he had a feeling Johnny was savvy enough not to go running to anyone with what happened unless it could benefit him to an extent more than just getting Jules in potential trouble. Would it really hurt not to say anything?

At the same time, however, Spike was worried the consequences would be worse if the incident went undisclosed. Something had set Jules into attack mode and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if something happened because he didn’t speak up. Even if it seemed like he was doing her a favor by not doing so. 

“Depends; you wanna tell me what happened so I have a better idea if Sarge should know about it?”

Jules sighed deeply. The trouble with keeping secrets was that you then had to walk a balance beam when it came to not divulging certain pieces of information. “I overreacted -- just like I said. After everything that happened this morning and I wasn’t expecting to run into him even if I did know he was working here. All of a sudden, I was sixteen again, back to that night he killed Mom and would have killed me. I tried to back away and lost my footing. He did save me from falling but I lost control.”

Spike considered her words carefully. They sounded plausible but at the same time he couldn’t get Sam’s words from that morning out of his head. If Dawson had hurt her all those years ago, it made even more sense that she’d want to get away and that him touching her would send her spiraling out of control. “Nobody got hurt and nothing official was reported. I don’t guess I have to inform Sarge about anything. There’s no reason you won’t tell him about it yourself.”

Jules started to protest but Spike held up his hand before she could utter a single word. “No, Jules, I’m sorry. I get this is a difficult situation for you and I also know there are things you don’t want to discuss. For the most part, I can even respect that. I’m not going to push you to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable but I hope you know that I’m ready to be a compassionate ear if you decide you do. But when it comes to any kind of contact with Dawson right now I gotta draw a line. All my training with this job tells me he’s a dangerous man, maybe even more so now that he’s spent twenty years in prison. Sarge needs to know everything he does so that Dawson doesn’t slip through the cracks and tries something. I know you can take care of yourself-- knew that without seeing you go all Supercop on his ass a few minutes ago. Still, there’s no sense taking chances.”

Jules allowed his words to sink in, grateful once again that he wasn’t dismissing her ability to protect herself while still watching out for her. It would have been so much easier for her to agree to what he was asking of her if Sam hadn’t said anything earlier. Now she was afraid every reaction she had was going to be scrutinized under a microscope for any signs that Sam might have been right. Still, if she protested too much, that would only make things worse as well. She sighed. “I’ll think about it.” She promised softly.

Spike nodded. It was good enough for him for the moment at least. “Good, let’s get changed and get to the gym before we lose the lead we had on the others.”

\-- FP --

“Sarge, can we talk a moment?” Jules inquired softly an hour later as the team started to file out of the gym to end their shift. 

Greg wiped his face with a small towel and nodded. He was only slightly surprised by her request. He could tell something was weighing on her from the moment he and Sam had arrived back at the barn. Jules and Spike had already been in the gym; the latter using the weight machines and casting worried glances at the former who was running on the treadmill as if being chased by the devil himself. “Sure, my office or yours?”

It was a running joke between the two of them; as big as their floor was, there was no office space for any of them. Greg used the briefing room whenever he needed to talk to one of them and as the only female member of the team, the women’s locker room was considered to be Jules’s private domain. 

“I had a run in with Johnny this afternoon.” Jules blurted out before she could lose her nerve. She’d given what Spike had said serious consideration as she’d cranked the treadmill up to its highest setting and tried to outrun her thoughts and problems. She hadn’t succeeded but she at least knew she owed it to Spike not to put him in an awkward position. 

Taking her lightly by the elbow, Greg led her down the hall to the briefing room and hit the button, closing them off from the rest of the team. He motioned for her to sit at the table while he half leaned, half sat on the edge of the table. Despite the fact that she’d started the conversation, the way her head was downcast it was clear to Greg that she wasn’t really comfortable continuing it. “Did he do something, hurt you?”

Slowly she shook her head and her head dipped even lower so that her chin was almost to her chest. “He didn’t, but I did.”

Extending one finger, Greg reached out and lifted her chin so that she had no choice but to look at him. Inwardly, he was seething -- not at her because he couldn’t hold her at fault for anything that might have happened but at her uncle who seemed to be bringing trouble without even trying. “What happened?”

Faltering over her words, Jules slowly told him about the incident in the stairwell. She was as honest as she could be, only leaving out parts that would indicate there had been some truth to Sam’s earlier speculation. When she finished, she offered the only explanation she could. “I don’t think I would have pulled the trigger but I definitely wasn’t thinking clearly either. To be honest with you from the moment he grabbed my arms to the moment Spike made me stand down is a bit foggy, like it was happening to someone else.”

Greg could tell she was expecting him to scold her, to fault her professionalism. She was waiting for him to pronounce verdict on her performance as an officer so that she could accept whatever consequences he had to inflict on her. He wasn’t going to do it. The truth was he couldn’t blame her and was fairly certain Dawson had taken the job there not only to keep tabs on Jules but to put her in that very position. One thing had been bothering him every since learning Dawson was working there. “How did he know?”

Jules’s brown eyes widened at the question. “That I’d be in the stairwell right then? I don’t think he did. For him I think it was serendipity and for me just plain bad luck. We all take the stairwell, everyone knows it. He must have figured the more he took the stairs himself the better chance he had of running into me.”

Greg shook his head. “Not the stairwell; how did he know you worked here? You said yourself no one in the family talked to him; we don’t publicize the names of SRU officers to try to prevent retaliation attempts. I’m like you; I don’t believe in coincidences but how did he get his information?”

Jules thought about it for a moment and then shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know how he got my phone number either; it’s unlisted. Only family and a handful of friends know it.” Then she blushed, realizing she hadn’t told him about the prank calls. Greg winked at her.

“Sam told me. I’m sure you would have this morning during our talk if we hadn’t gotten the call out first. I have to be honest with you Jules; I don’t like the idea of Dawson having this much information about you. He’s only been out twenty four hours and he hasn’t wasted any time creating emotional havoc for you. I’m going to call Myers again and insist something be done.”

Jules shook her head. She better than anyone knew how manipulative her uncle was. “You can’t; other than leaving that envelope in the locker room, he hasn’t broken any rules. You already told Myers about that and he wouldn’t do anything. He’s not going to fire him without cause; it would open the city up to a wrongful termination suit. I’ll be extra careful from now on and make sure even if I run into him I don’t give him the opportunity to talk to me. What happened today won’t happen again; I give you my word.”

“This is where you work, Jules; you shouldn’t have to worry about who you are going to run into. I’m not going to let Dawson’s working here make you uneasy about going in and out of the building every day. Maybe Myers can’t fire him yet but he sure as hell can change his schedule. Put him on nights where you won’t have to worry about running into him on a daily basis. Myers does his job but he’s got a heart as well. He’ll agree to my request.”

Jules smiled slightly. She’d always considered the team more like family than just co-workers and times like this just proved it. “Thanks, Sarge.”

He nodded. He leveled his gaze on her, watching her intently. “Jules, you are one of the best officers I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with; you’ve never given me cause to doubt your ability to do your job and today hasn’t changed that. Anything that might have happened in your past doesn’t seem to have affected your ability to do your job and as your boss I wouldn’t pry if Dawson wasn’t in the picture now. But just his nerve at getting hired to work in the same building with you worries me. You don’t have to give me details if you don’t want to but I have to know if there was more to what Dawson did all those years ago. I have to have an accurate profile in order to do my job.”

He wasn’t asking her to bare her soul and Jules appreciated that more than she could ever express in words. But still, what he was asking her for was more than she could offer him. She knew he was looking out for her, wanting to protect her from whatever Johnny might be planning. She rubbed her arms to ward off the sudden chill. She looked up at him, her jaw set. 

“Whatever Johnny might have intended to do that night, he didn’t get to accomplish it. My mom lost her life and I used my dad’s gun to keep Johnny from doing anything worse. That’s all I can give you. I will promise you this just like I promised him. I’m not a kid anymore and if Johnny thinks he can intimidate me or threaten me now he’s not going to take anything else from me.”

Greg was still sure there was more that she wasn’t saying but he couldn’t force her. As her boss, he had no right and as her friend he didn’t want to hurt her. She was tough and he knew she could take care of herself; he just had to trust that she could handle this as well. “Copy that. Go on and get changed. I’m sure Sam is out there pacing as it is.”

Jules nodded and stood. Before turning to leave the room, she leaned over to give her boss and friend a hug. The move surprised Greg who then wrapped his own arms around her. Even if she wouldn’t or couldn’t open up about that night, he was going to be there for her no matter what. She pulled away from the embrace a moment later and turned to leave. Greg’s voice stopped her at the door.

“Jules, this is coming from your friend not your boss. I know Sam handled things wrong today but his heart’s in the right place. Don’t be too mad at him.”

Her hand hovered over the button that would raise the door. She glanced back to where Sarge was still half perched on the conference table. “I’ll try.”

\-- FP --

Sam opened the door to the stairwell and was surprised to see Jules hanging back. Was she so furious at him that she didn’t even want to share the walk down to the car with him? She hadn’t said anything to him since he and Greg had returned to the barn but the way she’d been attacking that treadmill told him that she was running off some major emotions. At the very least he was probably looking at a night on the couch if not bunking back at his old apartment. He had to make things right with her; make her understand that his actions earlier had been because he was worried about her and loved her not because he had wanted to hurt her. “Jules?”

“Let’s take the elevator today.” Her request was strange; he’d never known her to take an elevator unless it was the only way to ensure getting into position at a call quicker. But at least she was including him in the suggestion. He let the stairwell door close and reached for her hand, not sure if she would even take it. She did and they crossed the few steps to the elevator door. 

After a brief wait, the door opened and they stepped into the empty car. Sam pushed the button for the first floor and the door obediently closed again. Just as the elevator began its decent, Jules reached out and hit the stop button. Sam looked at her, surprised once again. He reached out and lightly touched her cheek. “Jules?”

“I’m still mad at you.” Jules warned him. He dropped his hand and hung his head, waiting for her to lay into him. “You promised me you wouldn’t pressure me to talk if I didn’t want to and then today its like you went back on that promise and worse you got the whole team involved even if it wasn’t your intention.”

Sam knew he deserved whatever hell she wanted to give him. She was absolutely right; he had promised that he wouldn’t force her to talk about that night and he hadn’t planned on going back on his word but that had been when he thought a murder had been as bad as it had gotten. He opened his mouth to try to apologize once again but just as she had earlier, she didn’t plan on giving him the chance. 

She glanced up at him, her eyes brimming with tears she’d probably never shed. “You promised me that same day that if I felt myself slipping down a dark hole all I had to do was say the word and you’d hold me tight.” Sam nodded indicating he remembered that promise as well. Jules took a shaky breath. “I’m saying the word.”

Without hesitation, Sam engulfed her in a hug, holding her trembling body as tightly as he could without hurting her. She practically melted into his arms. He hoped his earlier mistakes hadn’t hurt her this much but at the same time he hoped something worse hadn’t happened. He didn’t press her to explain why she felt like she was slipping even though it was practically killing him inside. Instead he was content to just be there for her as long as she needed him to be. If someone questioned why the elevator wasn’t moving, to hell with them. 

At long last, her shaking subsided and she was able to once more regain her usual calm composure. Without saying anything else, she leaned over and restarted the car. Once on the ground floor, Sam held tightly to her hand as they made their way to her jeep. Her steps slowed as got closer to the vehicle, a frown deepening around her mouth as something didn’t seem right. Sensing her hesitation, Sam stopped and looked at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I have a flat tire.” They went to the car and saw that sure enough the front driver’s side tire was completely deflated. “Damn, can this day get any worse?”

Sam started toward the rear of the vehicle to get the spare out as Jules knelt down to examine the flat better. He hadn’t even had a chance to release the spare when Jules suddenly swore loudly. He looked around in time to see Jules drive her fist painfully into the side of the vehicle. Returning to her side, he wanted to reassure her that it wasn’t the end of the world. Tires could be fixed or replaced and it wasn’t worth hurting herself over. Then she pointed out what had upset her.

The cause of the flat was suddenly clear as he caught sight of the shiny metal object lying beside the tire. The tire’s current state hadn’t been an accident; someone had slashed the tire and left the pocket knife behind so there was no doubt as to what had caused the tire to go flat. 

He wrapped his arms once more around Jules who was carefully cradling her now sore hand. She was once more shaking but this time he had a feeling it was more from anger than anything else. She shook her head. “Johnny. Johnny did this.”


	13. Chapter 13

Her jeep, the first vehicle she’d ever own that made her understand how people could love their cars, was now a crime scene. There was no yellow tape sectioning it off but yet three uniformed officers were huddled around it taking pictures and collecting evidence while she’d be regulated to the background, still a cop herself but unable to do anything but watch. Unconsciously she clenched and unclenched her fist that was still cradled close to her body. Each tiny movement the little bones in her hand made when flexed hurt and a purplish bruise was already creeping to the surface promising to be a bright ugly sight in no time. 

An arm wrapped itself around her waist and she involuntarily jumped until she realized it was Sam. He leaned down and kissed her forehead before pressing something cold against her injured hand. She looked down to see that he’d somehow gotten a bag of ice that he then wrapped in a small towel to help prevent her hand from swelling. She smiled her thanks and leaned back comfortably against his broad chest. 

“Those tires were practically brand new.” She groaned.

“At least it’s only the one. I talked to Constable Simmins before I went in to get the ice. He said they get at least one or two calls like this a month. Somebody gets mad about a ticket or something else he got in trouble for, comes to one of the lots next to a precinct and takes out their frustration on a random personal vehicle of an officer, doesn‘t even have to belong to the cop he‘s mad at. Today was apparently your turn for it. He said he’d recommended the city put up surveillance cameras in the lots but so far no one has taken his suggestion seriously.”

Jules shook her head, her body stiffening once more as she thought about the knife lying at the base of the tire. “This wasn’t some random attack. This was personal. Johnny did it.”

Sam didn’t want to argue with her; he knew there was a fight still waiting to be had once they got home about what had happened at the crime scene and he wasn’t in a hurry to add to her anger. Still, he couldn’t understand why she was so quick to jump to conclusions here. “There’s nothing to indicate Johnny would even know your vehicle let alone where it would be parked. What makes you so sure it was him?”

“The knife. It’s not a one of a kind by any means but it’s not some cheap brand you can buy at any store either. It’s the exact same type and style that Johnny used when he killed my mother. He left it there so I would know it’s him but not be able to prove it. He’s playing freaking mind games with me, Sam. He’s trying to get under my skin while being very careful not to do anything overt enough that would get him in trouble.” 

Sam released his hold on her long enough to turn her so that she was facing him. He didn’t want to sound like he was doubting her; didn’t want her to think he thought she was being paranoid, but at the same time he couldn’t understand how she could be so sure just because the knife was the same. “Jules, what mind games? Is this about the phone calls last night or has something else happened?”

Jules sighed. “Johnny got a job.”

Sam nodded. He knew it was pretty much mandatory for released inmates who went into the transition houses to get a job within 72 hours of being released. Johnny had only been out for 24 but him getting a job even that fast didn’t seem that extremely unusual or threatening. “Okay.”

“Here, Sam. He got a job as a custodian in our building. I don’t know how he knows all these things about me and my life now but he does. He was just released from jail yesterday and suddenly I get a prank caller on my unlisted phone number; he lands a job in the same building I work; and my car gets targeted for vandalism in a lot full of cars to chose from with a knife that is exactly like the one used to kill my mom. I don’t believe in coincidences at all but this is bordering on coincidence hell.”

Sam pulled her to his chest once more, the ice bag cold through his shirt. No wonder she’d been so upset in the elevator on their way down. How much could one person take, even a tough, strong person like Jules, before breaking down completely? “Did you tell Sarge about it? He can talk to the custodial supervisor and get him moved to a different precinct or something. You shouldn’t have to worry about running in to him every time you come to work.”

Jules felt safe in Sam’s arms, maybe safer than she had in a long time. For the moment, she didn’t even care if her acknowledgment of that fact made her seem clingy or dependent even if it were only to herself. “I first found out about his job from Sarge this morning. Spike caught Johnny trying to find Henri on our floor. He didn’t let him in that time but it apparently hadn’t been Johnny’s first visit. He left me a stuffed cat as an apology for what he did to Boxer.”

Sam tried to reign in his anger. He’d spent most of the day riding around with Sarge but Greg hadn’t said anything about Dawson working in the building. He knew but hadn’t shared the information. To say he felt betrayed by the older man was an understatement. “Is that all that happened? Not that it’s not enough but I’m sensing there’s more to the story.”

Sensing that an explosion was imminent, Jules sucked in air and then blew it out of her mouth. “I ran into him in the stairwell when Spike and I got back. It wasn’t pretty but that was my fault not his. I pulled my gun on him and who knows I might have even shot him if Spike had come up when he did.” She pointed toward her car with her sore hand. “This was probably retaliation for that.”

Sam lowered his head to rest it against her forehead. So that was what the pow wow at the end of shift must have been about. It also explained her reluctance to take the stairs on their way down. “Jules, don’t blame yourself. Anything that asshole gets, he deserves. He’s playing this situation for all he can and he’s not going to get away with it. He can pull all the stunts he wants to pull but it’s not going to work. You are stronger than he can possibly realize. Not only that but you’ve got me and the rest of the team behind you all the way.”

“Stop it.” Jules warned him stepping back as one of the officers handling the report started to approach them. “I still want to be mad at you but it’s hard when your standing there reminding me why I love you.”

Sam smiled, glad to see a little bit of her usual spunk shining through. “Copy that. I’ll try to be less lovable.” 

The constable handed Jules a copy of his report. “That’ll help you with your insurance if you decide to file. Although if your insurance is like most people’s the cost of a new tire won’t even put a dent in the deductible. As I told Constable Braddock, it looks like a random attack but if we turn up something when we process the knife for prints, we’ll let you know. Sorry the end of your day had to be ruined like this.”

“Thanks.” Jules waited until he had walked away. “Guess all that’s left is changing the tire and getting out of here.”

“I’ll take care of the tire. You keep that bag of ice on your hand.”

Jules frowned, slightly annoyed. “I’m quite capable of changing a tire you know?”

Sam shook his head, not sure if he should be happy that he was so easily fitting back into her request to help her stay mad at him. “I know you are capable but let me do this. Who knows what damage you did to your hand earlier and I’ve been pretty damn useless in all this. The least I can do is change the tire. You can supervise the whole task and tell me everything I’m doing wrong.”

Jules didn’t really have an argument for him so she simply shrugged. Sam wanted to smirk but figured it would only put him further in the doghouse and despite her plea to let her stay mad at him; he didn’t really want her upset. It didn’t take him long at all to get the tire changed out with the spare. Fortunately the jeep had a real spare instead of the small substitute some vehicles offer. A new tire would still need to be purchased as soon as possible but at least he’d feel safe with them driving on it until it could. 

As he replaced the jack and put the damaged tire in the back of the vehicle he looked over to where Jules was standing still holding her hand protectively against her chest. He frowned once again. “Jules, be honest; how bad are you hurt? Anything feel broken? Should we swing by the hospital and get it x-rayed?”

Jules shook her head. “It’ll heal on its own. It hurts but I can move it so I don’t think anything’s broken. I’d rather just go home and try to forget today ever happened. Of course I have to take care of getting a new tire before we can do anything.”

“Jules, sweetheart, let me take care of that for you. Your hand is hurting; I’ve hit my fair share of unforgiving objects and I know the pain associated with it. I trust your judgment if you don’t think it’s broken but you can’t convince me you aren’t in agony. If you won’t have it x-rayed, at least let me take you home so you can take something for the pain.”

Jules couldn’t argue with him. She wanted to protest that she didn’t want anyone, even Sam, to have to take care of things for her. But she was tired of fighting. Like he’d said about changing the tire, he was offering not because he didn’t think she was capable but because it made him feel less helpless in the situation. It had nothing to do with what she couldn’t do but everything to do with wanting to make things easier for her. “Take it to Oscar’s garage. I trust him to give me a fair price and he has all my billing information already on file.”

Sam nodded, glad that she was giving in to him even if it did slightly worry him that she hadn’t protested at all. The emotional toil of the day must have been harder than he’d realized. Keeping one hand on the wheel, he reached over and gently massaged the back of her neck with the other. He smiled when the movement elicited a light moan of approval. “I’ll pick up supper on the way back. Anything in particular you want?” 

Jules felt herself relaxing under his ministrations. “Not really. Surprise me.” It wasn’t that neither of them were capable or willing to actually cook dinner; in fact they both enjoyed getting into the kitchen together when their schedules allowed. But they had, individually first and then as a couple, realized that picking up take out wasn’t any more expensive and certainly more convenient when they were working than having to come home and cook.

As soon as they arrived back at the house, Sam made sure she was comfortably ensconced on the couch with her injured hand resting on a pillow. Without appearing to be fussing over her too much, Sam made a side trip to the kitchen and then returned with a fresh ice pack, a bottle of water, and a couple of Aleve. After getting her assurance that she had everything she needed or wanted, he gave her a quick kiss and left to run his errands.

Oscar’s garage wasn’t his first stop, however. He used the jeep’s GPS to find Kennington House and parked outside the residence. Once inside, he flashed his badge to the man on duty and demanded to see Johnny Dawson. He was directed to a small office and was soon joined by the man Sam was coming to hate. 

Johnny hadn’t been surprised to hear that he had an official visitor. He’d known it was only a matter of time before someone showed up asking questions. He was actually looking forward to the visit; to seeing just how much he could jerk their chains while they were powerless to do anything about it or even aware he was doing it. He leaned against the wall as Sam introduced himself. He smiled, the younger man was practically foaming at the mouth with anger and Johnny knew exactly who was dealing with. He’d suspected earlier that Scarlatti might be the one currently warming his niece’s bed but there was no mistaking the territorial attitude of the man standing in front of him. Johnny held out his hand in greeting but the gesture was ignored by the SRU officer. 

“What can I do for SRU, Constable Braddock?”

What Sam really wanted to say never left his lips nor did he give in to the violent urges he so wanted to indulge himself in. “There was a jeep vandalized in the parking lot of SRU today.”

“How horrible. I guess so place is safe or sacred anymore. Let me guess, you wanted to know if I saw anything? Sorry. I don’t have a car so didn’t even look at the parking lot when I left work. I hope the damage wasn’t too bad.”

“Save the innocent act for someone who might actually buy it.” Sam warned, his blue eyes flashing with undisclosed hostility. “I’m more interested in what you did than what you saw. Jules’s tire was slashed with a knife exactly like the one you used to kill her mother.”

“Is that an accusation? If so, I would hope you have some sort of proof to back it up.” Johnny shrugged, looking unconcerned. “The knife that was used to kill my sister is, as far as I know, still in Evidence Lockup where it’s been for twenty years. As I’m guessing you already know, I was just released from prison yesterday and today I’ve been at work all day. That doesn’t leave much time for shopping for knives.”

“I don’t think lack of time is problem for you. After all, you found the time to leave a package for Jules in the SRU locker room -- someplace I’m sure you were aware was off limits to you. It wouldn’t have taken you much time to buy a knife.”

“Still sounds more like speculation than evidence to me.”

“If I had the evidence, we wouldn’t be having this conversation here.” Sam warned, struggling to keep the bulk of his feelings hidden. “I’d have already cuffed your sorry ass and hauled you down to the station. Consider this a friendly warning. Stay away from Jules.”

Johnny was completely relaxed in the chair he’d sank into. He seemed completely disinterred in the whole conversation but was really taking in every change in Sam’s expression and body language. “Funny, I’m not feeling the friendly in your warning, Constable. During my stint I heard a lot about Toronto’s elite squad. I guess standards have lowered considerable if you’ve been reduced to handling simple vandalism calls.”

Sam recognized that Dawson was goading him, trying to provoke him, and didn’t rise to the bait. “We take care of our own. Mess with one of us and you get us all.”

Sam really wanted to wipe the smile off Dawson’s face. Either the man was a great actor or he was truly amused by all that was going on. “I’m starting to see that. Had guns pulled on me today by two SRU officers, a personal warning - I mean visit- by you, and just before you arrived I got a call from my supervisor saying my schedule was being changed to nights. Apparently a higher-up at SRU insisted on the change. I’m really starting to get annoyed by this harassment. I bet the press would have a field day with the story. I can see the headlines now. ‘Released inmate who served his time and paid his debt to society harassed by Toronto’s Strategic Response Unit as he tries to rebuild his life.’ Of course, they’d go back and dig up all the dirt on my sister’s death. I bet JAC will love all that attention.”

“Leave Mr. Callaghan out of this. He wouldn’t want you anywhere near his daughter.”

Now Johnny actually laughed out loud. “I don’t mean my former brother-in-law. Little JAC’s my pet name for my niece. She calls me UJ. We’re real close. Close enough for me to know she wouldn’t want people poking into her mother’s death.”

His words were like individual daggers stabbing into Sam’s heart playing into his fears about what had really happened. Johnny’s eyes widened as he saw the way Sam almost flinched at his insistence that he and Jules were close. After his two run-ins with Scarlatti that day, Johnny had believed that he was the co-worker Jules was dating but there was no mistaking Sam’s reaction. He was a lover protecting what was his. Johnny wondered how far he could push this situation while still keeping his hands clean. He tilted the chair back.

“Yeah, people start looking too deeply; someone’s going to start asking the questions nobody wanted to ask twenty years ago. Questions my confession rendered meaningless at the time but today could ruin a life and career worked so hard for.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Sounds to me like you are making a threat.”

“Sounds to me like you don’t know your girlfriend as well as you thought you did.” Johnny was enjoying the anger radiating off the SRU officer. “My niece isn’t as innocent as she wants people to think. Everything I did twenty years ago was for her, to protect her. If she doesn’t want to be grateful for all I did for her, for the way I saved her, then maybe I should let the truth come out. Seems everyone now is convinced she can take care of herself but the truth is she has to have someone else handle her problems for her. I had to do it years ago and you’re doing it now. If you aren’t available then it looks to me like Scarlatti does a pretty good job. Does he fill in for you in the bedroom as well?”

Sam’s stomach clenched and a red haze overshadowed his vision. He toyed with the notion of how easy it would be to stick his foot out and upend the chair Johnny was leaning back in. He didn’t believe for second that Jules did anything wrong; if her innocence was in question, it was because the sick piece of dirt in front of him had stolen it.

He wanted to know the truth about what happened but he wanted it to come from Jules herself. He didn’t want to hear any twisted perverted explanation Dawson might have. “Leave Jules alone. No more calls, no more running into her at work, no more packages left in the locker room. I mean it. No one will be able to protect your worthless ass if you don’t.”

Johnny was a little disappointed that he hadn’t provoked Sam into using a bit of force on him. It wasn’t that he wanted to get hurt but it would be oh so rich to have just one more piece of ammunition in his arsenal. He waited until Sam was halfway out the door before responding. He called out after him in a voice that lacked any concern or remorse. “What about letters? Are they still okay to send?”

Sam stiffened but didn’t reply. He left the house and sat in the jeep for several minutes trying to calm down before attempting to drive. Johnny knew too much about Jules to have been completely cut off for the last twenty years like he claimed. Someone had to have fed him his information somehow. He knew the prison kept records of all outside contact their inmates received. Normally he would call Spike to get the information but didn’t want to involve the team just yet. He reached for his cell phone and scrolled through his contacts until he found the one he was looking for.

“Hey, it’s Sam. I need a favor. I need information about a prisoner who was just released. Can you pull a few strings and get me a list of who contacted him while he was in prison?” When his old army buddy said it shouldn’t be a problem, Sam gave him all the information he had on Dawson. His friend promised to look up the information right away and email him the information as soon as possible. Sam thanked him and terminated the call.

Getting the tire replaced took no time at all. Although the original tire’s warranty shouldn’t have covered the damage, Oscar refused to charge Jules the full price on the replacement. The elderly mechanic had been Jules’s go-to person for repairs for years and he had a soft spot for the tough yet sweet officer. 

The awaited for email came in while Sam was picking up a couple of sub sandwiches for supper. Though he was anxious for the information the email from his friend would contain, he waited until his order was ready and he was back in the jeep before pulling up the message. There was only one contact from the outside during the entire length of his stay. A letter that came in every six months for twenty years from a Mildred Dawson. Apparently not everyone in the family had cut off Dawson. Whoever Mildred was, she must have leaked Jules’s information although Sam couldn’t think of a good reason for doing so. Scrolling down the to the outgoing mail, Sam’s heart skipped a beat. Just as Dawson had only received letters from one person, he’d only sent out letters to one person as well, but not Mildred. All of the letters, one a year until the last week of his stay when the frequency became daily, were addressed to Julianna Callaghan.

\-- FP --

  
Jules wasn’t one for sitting around doing nothing. She could remember her mother affectionately complaining once that even in the womb, Jules had stayed in perpetual motion. In the days following being shot, she’d badgered the doctors and nurses until they finally lifted the restrictions of keeping her confined to the hospital bed. She’d only been allowed brief trips up and down the hall but it had kept Jules from going stark raving mad. 

She’d tried to lie down after Sam left but the inactivity gave her too much time to think. And right then, thinking wasn’t a pleasant diversion for her. So as soon as the ice had numbed the pain in her hand that hadn’t quite been dulled enough by the Aleve, she set the cold pack aside and left the couch. 

She’d washed and dried a load of clothes a couple of days earlier but hadn’t had time to fold them or put them away. Now seemed like as good a time as any. Besides, she knew from experience that the more she moved the bruised bones in her hand, the better it would be for preventing swelling and keep the pain from getting worse. 

Opening the door to the laundry room, she was immediately greeted by a loud meow and felt the soft fur brushing against her legs. She bent down and scratched behind the kitten’s ears quickly transforming the meows to a soft purr. “I know, you get tired of looking at the same four walls, don’t you? Maybe its time to give you a little more freedom. What do you think?”

Patches must have liked the idea because he walked away from her attentions toward the open door. Jules chuckled. “Go on, have fun exploring a little. Just don’t forget where your litter box is.”

Straightening back up, she grabbed a basket of clean clothes to carry out to the living room to fold. Once the chore was completed, she contemplated whether she should play the injured card and leave the now folded clothes for Sam to put away when he got back. The idea sounded appealing until she remembered what she had hidden in one of the drawers Sam would have to open to put away at least a portion of the clothing in the basket. A chill ran through her.

She never should have kept those final letters. She had no intention of ever reading them and she sure as hell didn’t plan on letting anyone else know of their existence, especially not given Sam’s newly discovered worries about what had happened to her. Jules rose form the couch and took the steps two at a time. Just knowing that whatever filth he might have written her was still in the house bothered her. She couldn’t be for sure but she had a feeling knowing they were there was one of the things fueling her fears about nightmares each night. If they were never going to be read or shown to anyone, she might was well destroy them now rather than risk them being seen.

She slid open the drawer and withdrew the unopened envelopes from where she’d hidden them. She sat back, leaning against her bed contemplating what she was about to do. Part of her was convinced that the contents of those letters had no power over her; part of the reason she’d always destroyed the letters rather than merely throwing them out was to show herself that he had no power to hurt her any more. But the cop in her argued that the this was evidence and should be catalogued and preserved. It was the same argument she’d wrestled with upon getting the first of the most recent string of letters. The cop had one the first round but the woman in her was quickly over powering the logic. 

She’d promised Sarge that she would tell him if Dawson had contacted her but she’d remained quiet about the letters. If Sarge knew of their existence, he’d insist on them being read for any sign of a threat. While Jules didn’t think Johnny would say anything overtly suggestive of what he’d done to her for fear that his mail would be read by the guards, she couldn’t put it past him to say something that would further raise suspicions that he’d hurt her. 

Sam was going to broach what he feared happened again; he was too protective not to. Somehow she had to convince him nothing had happened and she couldn’t do that with the fear of him discovering the letters hanging over her. By the time Sam returned, the letters would have to be nothing but a pile of ashes. She could take them out to the backyard and burn them in the ash bucket from the fireplace. Maybe in destroying his words, she could destroy just a little of the fear and shame hanging over her like a dark cloud. 

Her plan decided, she pushed off from the wall, the envelopes clutched in her left hand, She turned and froze. Sam was standing in the doorway, his eyes dark and unreadable. Almost stiffly he nodded his head in the direction of the envelopes.

“Are those the letters Johnny sent you? What are you trying to hide, Jules?”


	14. Chapter 14

“Jeeze, Sam, what’s with sneaking up on me?” 

For a moment all Jules could do was stare at Sam, shocked to see him there. How had she not heard him when he came in? Then, as if she was trying to avoid being caught with her hand in the cookie jar, she tried to surreptitiously hide the incriminating evidence behind her back. As surprised as she was to see him standing in the doorway, she was even more bewildered about how he knew about the existence of the letters in the first place. He’d given no indications of knowing about them when he had left to get her tire replaced. Had something more happened while he was gone? 

Sam leaned against the doorway. The entire ride home he’d been mulling over what to do with the information his old army buddy had sent him. He’d wafted between the anger and disgust he’d felt after actually meeting Johnny Dawson, to the confusion over why Jules hadn’t said anything about the letters she’d received especially in the light of Dawson being released from jail, to finally the desire to give the woman he loved the chance to explain herself before he went off half cocked. The last consideration had gone out the window when he’d entered the house and tracked her upstairs to find her holding a small stack of envelopes every instinct in his body said were from her uncle. 

“Sorry, I guess it kind of gets in the way of you hiding things from me, doesn’t it? Well, Jules, are those the letters Johnny sent you? Why didn’t you tell me about them? What’s in them that you don’t want me to know? Were you going to destroy them so I wouldn’t find out about them?”

He knew he was probably being unfair but something about his conversation with Dawson at Kennington House had rubbed him the wrong way. He trusted Jules but he’d be lying if Johnny’s insinuation that he was protecting Jules hadn’t concerned him. The murderer was a manipulator. Sam had seen first hand how the man had tried to provoke him into attacking him; would have succeeded if Sam had stayed even a moment longer. No matter how innocent Jules might be in the whole matter, it wouldn’t take much for Johnny to spin things to make it look like she was culpable in her mother’s death. Little things like receiving letters from the man while he was in prison, especially without reporting them as harassment could be used against her. 

Jules stuffed the letters in the back of her pants out of his easy reach. She could feel her temper rising at his harsh words. Her eyes narrowed. “Screw you, Sam. You don’t know anything about anything so don’t stand there acting all high and mighty thinking you do. We might share a bed but that doesn’t mean you have to be privy to everything in my life. Isn’t it enough that you felt the need to share with everyone that my mother had been murdered and that you suspected her killer also did horrible things to me? No, I guess not.”

Sam shook his head and took a step closer to her. Early in their relationship he’d fallen for this tactic when she wanted to deflect a conversation or argument. But he wasn’t going to be distracted this time. “No, you don’t get to do this, not this time. Okay, I get it; I screwed up royally this morning but we both know it wasn’t my intention. I’m worried about you; worried that as much as you want to be okay and handle this all yourself, you can’t and you’re only going to end up hurt worse. So you can be mad at me all you want about the radio mistake but later. Right now, we’re going to discuss those letters. And you’re right, I don’t have to know everything but if Johnny Dawson is threatening you I should know about it. Not just because I’m your boyfriend but because as your co-worker it’s the right thing to do. More importantly Sarge should know about them. You haven’t said anything to him about them, have you? After you told him you’d tell him about any contact attempts. Why? What’s in them that has you so scared? You don’t have to do this by yourself. We’re here for you -- I’M here for you. Let me help you.”

As he took another step closer to her, she took a step backward. When she bought the house, one of the things she’d fallen in love with first was the massive master bedroom. But right now it suddenly felt way too small. Her anger wasn’t defusing the situation, maybe another tactic would. “What makes you so sure there are even letters to be worried about? You walk in and see me with envelopes in my hand and assume I’m hiding something from you. They could have been anything.”

He dropped his voice to barely above a whisper as he matched her every step backward with one moving toward her. “Then you shouldn’t have a problem letting me see them instead of hiding them behind you like you are doing. I know Johnny has sent you letters, five or more just in the last week. About the same number I saw in your hand when I came in. Please Jules, I’m not trying to pry; I’m just worried. I spent maybe ten minutes in a room with him this afternoon and I wanted to take a shower when I left. I get the feeling this is all a game for him and you are the prize.” 

Jules could feel the wall almost at her back and knew she was trapped between Sam and the wall. That shouldn’t be a frightening thing; she trusted him with everything but her worst secrets but she couldn’t help the goose bumps forming on her arms and the way her heart was now racing almost out of control. This was Sam and she shouldn’t be afraid but it was as if just by mentioning his name Johnny was right there in the room with them. “You saw Johnny? How?”

“I went to see him. Maybe you think I’m going all caveman on you but I couldn’t stand by and do nothing while the bastard made your life a living hell. I wanted to warn him off -- probably the same thing you and Spike and maybe even Sarge have already done -- but I had to do my part. Jules, this is all funny to him. He’s getting off on pushing our buttons. He’s sick but now he’s a sick bastard who’s been around hardened criminals for the past twenty years. That’s a dangerous combination. He’s got plans and I don’t think they are about how to get his life back on track.” 

Jules could feel her heart quicken at the news that Sam had paid Johnny a visit. She wouldn’t be surprised if Sam could hear it as well as close as he was standing to her. Johnny wouldn’t have told him about what else happened that night; he wouldn’t take that chance. Still there was something different in Sam’s eyes, something that suggested that he knew more than he had when he had left earlier. Then there had been a fear of what could have happened to her and now mixed with that was a hint of revulsion at what he knew had happened. She closed her eyes, unable to stand what she was seeing in his. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not? Because you’re afraid he might have told me what you can’t or won’t admit to? Damn it, Jules. Be honest with me.” He closed the last little bit of gap between them reaching behind her for the envelopes he’d seen her shove in the back of her pants. With her eyes closed she didn’t see him coming until he was touching her. Frightened, her hands connected with his chest, first pushing him away and when that wasn’t successful, balling them up to hit him in the chest. Sam wasn’t fazed by her attempts; instead, he lightly grabbed hold of her wrists in one of his hands and pushed them above her head, effectively trapping her against the wall with his body. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d had her in this position but this was the first time he’d held her like this in any seriousness. Ordinarily he’d trapped her in a similar position in a moment of lighthearted play, maybe because she was keeping the remote control away from him or something else ridiculous like that. It always ended the same way, with Jules sweeping her foot out to trip him. He’d wind up flat on his back on the floor but not without pulling her down with him. They’d lay there tangled in each other’s arms laughing and then kissing, the object they’d been fighting for control over forgotten. 

He waited for her to do the same now. Perhaps without the kissing at the end considering they were both upset but there was no way she’d allow herself to stay trapped the way he had her now. The leg sweep didn’t come, however. In fact her struggles ceased completely. He looked down and was horrified to see how pale she’d gotten in just the few seconds he’d been holding her. Every drop of color even down to her lips had drained from her face. Her eyes were closed and her whole body language screamed of her discomfort. 

Immediately he released her hands and took a step backward. Still Jules didn’t move. He’d never seen her look so vulnerable and frightened; that in turn scared him more than anything. Immediately his anger over the situation left him and his voice softened as he tried to break through whatever hell he’d forced her into. “Jules? Sweetheart? Baby, I’m sorry. It’s okay.”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure she‘d even heard him. He wanted to reach out and touch her, take her in his arms but he was worried it might do more harm than good. Inwardly, he kicked himself. If he was even close in his speculation that Dawson had hurt her, and he was now more sure than ever that he was, he should have known better than to put her in any sort of position that would take away her control and possibly remind her of what had happened. 

She sank to the floor and buried her head against her legs, her body trembling. Sam knelt beside her and finally did reach out and lightly touched her head. She jumped slightly and then looked up but wouldn’t meet his concerned gaze. “Get out. Just get out.”

Sam sighed. “Get out of what, Jules? The room, your house, your life? How far do you want me to go? I can leave the damn country but it’s not going to fix any of this. I don’t want to hurt you but it’s obvious this is slowly killing you. You’re scared and that’s just not you. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve been completely fearless. You rappel off tall buildings without a second thought; you face down armed men without batting an eye; hell, I bet if I suggested we sky dive without parachutes you’d be the first in line for the plane. But look at you know; you’re scared shitless and that in turn scares me. I know how to act around fearless Jules but I don’t know what to do with you like this. I don’t think you know what to do either.” 

“Why are you doing this to me?” There was none of her usual confidence in her low voice. Sam almost choked up at her question. 

“Because I love you and I can’t stand to see you allow anyone have this much power over you. Please Jules, let me in. Let me help you. Tell me what he did to you. Take his power away.”

Jules shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” There was no malice in his voice, only resignation. He could continue to press her and maybe he could even finally wear down her resolve enough to get her to open up. But at what cost? He lowered his head. “Okay, I won’t push the issue. If you are that much against me knowing what he did to you, I won’t force you to talk about it. But as a cop, I can’t ignore the current potential threat to you. You have to turn over the letters he sent you so we can protect you.” 

Jules rested her head on the top of her knees and Sam was glad to see the color had returned to her lips even if she was still incredibly pale. “How did you know about them in the first place?”

“You made a good point earlier about Dawson. How did he know all this personal information about you? I know you said as far as you knew your whole family had cut him off after he went to jail but yet he knew things he shouldn’t have known. I have a buddy who’s a closet hacker who also works for the prison system. I gave him a call and he was able to get me a log of visits and letters in and out of the prison for Johnny. The records showed about twenty five letters mailed out, all to one person, and approximately forty that were received, again all from one person but not the same person as the outgoing mail was addressed to. The outgoing letters, with the exception of those mailed the week he was released were sent in late September. The incoming letters were received in both late December and June. Any idea who sent them?”

Jules lightly hit her head on the back of the wall. “It had to be Aunt Millie. I should have known.”

Sam twisted so he was leaning against the wall next to her. He wanted to reach out and hold her but not sure how she would take the gesture, especially after what had just happened. Her posture was stiff and it was clear she was uncomfortable even talking about the matter. He did, however, reach out and push a stray strand of her caramel colored hair from her eyes. “If Aunt Millie is short for Mildred Dawson then yes it was.”

She nodded. “Aunt Millie is my mom’s aunt, my granddad’s sister. She just turned 97 back in June and she never got married or had kids of her own. You’ve heard of the town crier? Well, she’s the family crier. Twice a year she sends out these family updates that I swear are longer than some books I’ve read. Who’s gotten married, who’s had a baby, who’s gotten divorced, anything she’s heard since the last update that she thinks might even remotely be news worthy. Hell, half the things I learn about my brothers comes from her instead of them.”

Sam really wanted to talk more about Dawson’s outgoing letters than the ones he had received. However, if Jules was willing to discuss the latter, maybe he could lull her into a sense of comfort enough to open up about the former. He grinned slightly. “No such thing as a secret with her, huh?”

Jules shook her head. “You should have read some of the letters while I was with the RCMP. I think Aunt Millie knew more about the arrests I made during that time than my supervisor did. She really had a field day about me receiving the Law Enforcement Person of the Year. Until she died, Mom was always Aunt Millie’s favorite. I guess I sort of took over that spot afterward. I think she worried about me being the only girl in the family. For the last twenty years there hasn’t been word one about Johnny in the letters; I guess I thought she’d cut him off the recipient list as well.”

“Any idea why she sent him the letters? Why give him all that ammunition?”

Jules blew out her breath heavily. “She wouldn’t have considered it ammunition for him to use against me but as her rubbing salt in a wound. She always thought jail was too good for him as punishment. If she continued to send him the family updates it was her way of sticking her tongue out at him and saying ‘look how well the family is doing despite and without you.’” Then she groaned. “She always included an updated address and phone number list for every family member at the end of every Christmas letter. That would explain how he knew my unlisted phone number”

Now Sam did put an arm around her shoulders and pull her close to him. Glad that she didn’t protest, he kissed the top of her head. “Johnny knew you were dating a co-worker. Did he get that information from one of her letters as well?”

Jules shook her head. “No, there was never any mention. The last time I saw her was the beginning of June for her birthday. We’d just gotten back together and were having to keep things quiet. She realized I was dating someone and I can’t lie to her. I warned her though that I could get into big trouble if she said anything.”

Sam wondered if Millie had suspected what Johnny had done to Jules as well and just hadn’t said anything. If so, perhaps she handwrote a note in the one she mailed Johnny as a way of showing him he hadn’t completely ruined Jules’s life. 

“I never opened any of the letters he sent me.” Jules admitted softly. “They always came right around the anniversary of my mom’s death. No return address but I recognized his handwriting and knew the letter was from him without opening it. I didn’t even destroy the first one on purpose. I was so startled to see it, I dropped the envelope. I was outside at the time and the breeze picked it up and blew it into the fire pile where we’d been burning limbs. I watched the envelope burn and for the first time in a long time felt like I had some sort of control over what had happened.”

Sam could imagine a teenage Jules trying to cope with the knowledge that her mother was dead and trying to hide the fact that she’d been brutalized at the same time. He could easily see how powerless it would have made her feel. And now, twenty years later it appeared that Dawson was once more trying to wrench that control away from her. “And after that you destroyed each one you got?”

Jules nodded. “Except these last ones. I wanted to; God knows I did, but the cop in me wouldn’t let me. So I was caught in the middle. I couldn’t destroy them but I couldn’t report them either. But now that you know about them, you’re going to either make me turn them over or you’ll tell Sarge and he’ll make me turn them over. Fine, I’ll turn them over to him. Give me the phone and I’ll call him.”

Sam hated putting her through this but knew it was the right thing to do. Rising to his feet, he crossed the room and picked up the cordless phone. Jules had pushed up from her spot on the floor and had followed him. She took the phone from him and almost seemed to have to think about what she was doing before she dialed the number. Sam tried to wrap his arm around her shoulder but she shrugged out of his grasp and stepped away. 

“Sarge, it’s Jules. Don’t be mad but I’ve been keeping something from you. Johnny sent me several letters this week. I want to turn them over to you. Can you come over?”

Sam knew how hard this was for her and once she hung up the phone he took it from her and replaced it on the base. “I’m sorry, Jules. I really am.”

“Awesome, you’re sorry, I’m sorry, too bad sorry doesn’t fix anything.” Her tone sounded so rejected that once again Sam wanted to take her in his arms. He refrained, knowing right then she was too upset with him to accept the affection. He frowned.

“Hey, maybe Sarge can hold on to the letters without reading them. The main thing is they are reported; I don’t see why we have to read them unless Dawson tries something. After all, he mailed these letters from prison; he couldn’t take the chance of saying anything too revealing in a letter that could be read by guards.” Sam offered hopefully, trying to restore at least some of that fighting spirit Jules was so famous for. 

Jules nodded. She’d thought the same thing but didn‘t put much hope in it. “Yeah, sure. Come on, let’s go downstairs.”

Sam followed her down the stairs and into the living room. “I might as well put the sandwiches I bought in the fridge for later.”

Jules only shrugged. As soon as Sam was out of the room, she pulled the envelopes out of her pocket. She glanced back toward the kitchen as she walked over to the fireplace and picked up one of the long matches she had for starting a fire. “I’m sorry, Sam. I just can’t take the chance.”

Without another thought she struck the match and held the lit end to one corner of the stack. Once the envelopes were burning she dropped them into the fireplace and watched as the flames turned the white envelopes black before consuming the paper. A single tear ran down her cheek.

“Babe, do you smell something burning?” Sam came back into the living room. He stared at the burning pile of letters in horror. “Jules, what have you done?”

“I couldn’t take the chance that Sarge would insist on reading them. You met Johnny; you said yourself he’s a sick bastard. I wouldn’t put it past him to intentionally put things in those letters just to cause me pain. I didn’t want to read them and I sure as hell didn’t want anyone else to read them either. He can’t hurt me any more cause I’m not going to let him.”

Sam didn’t know what to say; on the one hand he could understand how she felt and didn’t blame her but on the other hand… “Jules, when Sarge gets here…” 

“I never called him.” Jules admitted softly. “I just pretended that I did. I don’t expect you to understand and if you want to tell Sarge what happened then I can’t stop you. Maybe what I did was wrong but I don’t regret it. You don’t understand; you can’t understand.”

Sam stared at the fireplace as the last of the flames consumed its fuel and burnt itself out. His shoulders slumped and his blue eyes expressionless as shook his head. “You’re right, I can’t understand because you won’t trust me enough to give me the chance to. I want to support you in this Jules, really I do. I don’t want to push you to talk to me but every time you do something like this it scares me a little more. You destroyed potential evidence and while I get this is a painful memory for you; eventually you are going to have to trust us to have your back. Otherwise Dawson is going to win.”

“Maybe he already has.” Jules mumbled as she made her way to the front door. Before Sam could say anything else, she left the house, slamming the door behind her. 

Sam sank into the couch and buried his head in his hands. Something sharp sank into his legs and as he winced he looked down to see the kitten using his leg as a scratching post. He carefully extracted the kitten’s claws from his pants and picked the feline up. He absently ruffled the soft fur along the kitten’s back. “Damn it, Jules. Why won’t you trust me?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
It was almost midnight before the front door opened again and Jules stepped back into the house. It was dark and she assumed Sam had gone to bed, at least she hoped so. She’d spent the last few hours driving around aimlessly wondering what the hell had gotten into her. As much as she hadn’t wanted whatever was in those letters to get out, she never should have destroyed them. Doing so would only fuel Sam’s belief that something had happened. Worse than destroying potential evidence, she’d lied to him. Why would he ever trust her again?

Without turning on a light, she locked the front door behind her and made her way upstairs to the bedroom. There was a light coming from under the closed bedroom door but when she opened it, she saw that Sam was sprawled out on his side apparently asleep. He must have left the light on for her. She pulled a t-shirt and pair of shorts from her drawer and started toward the bathroom to change. Though she desperately wanted a shower -- she always felt the need for one whenever she was forced to remember what Johnny had done to her, she forgo the urge so as not to wake Sam up. With any luck, she could slip into bed without disturbing him and they wouldn’t have to talk about what happened until morning. She changed clothes and left the bathroom. 

“At the risk of being accused of sneaking up on you again, I’m awake.” Sam warned her. He was now sitting up with his back against the headboard. He watched as her shoulders slumped. “I was starting to get worried. Are you okay? How’s your hand?”

Automatically, Jules flexed the bones in her hand; it still hurt but not as badly as it had when she first hit the side of her jeep. “I’ll live.”

“Do you really believe that?” Sam probed gently. 

Jules looked uncomfortable like she wasn’t sure if she should stay where she was standing, cross to the bed and join him, or leave the bedroom all together. “That I’ll live? Yeah, sure.”

Sam shook his head. “That Dawson won. You are a competitive person, Jules; we both are. We push ourselves beyond our limits because we don’t know how to stop.” He threw the covers back and left the bed, crossing the room to join her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her gently to him. This time she didn’t fight him. “I didn’t think anything would scare me like seeing you look so frightened this afternoon did. Then you lied to me and destroyed those letters and that was so unlike you that I worried even more. But to hear you admit defeat? I want to support you, Jules; I really do. I want to respect your privacy and your right not to include me in every aspect of your life. But I can’t stand here and hear you give up.”

“It’s not about giving up, Sam. It’s about admitting the truth. He’s taken so much from me already and I thought now I didn’t have to worry about him any more; didn’t think he could take anything else from me. But he’s only been out of jail a day and already I feel like I’ve got so much more to lose to him. My sanity, my job, you. To be honest, I don‘t know if I have it in me to fight him again.”

Sam pulled back just enough to bring his hands up to cup her face. His thumbs lightly caressed her cheeks and his blue eyes were deep pools of emotion. “Listen to me, Jules. I wish like hell I could go back in time and prevent him from taking so much as a crust of bread from you but I can’t. But I promise you with every fiber in my being that there’s no way in hell he’s going to take anything else from you. You especially don’t have to worry about losing me. I’m here for the long haul. And if you don’t think you have it in you to fight then say the word; I’ll fight for you or with you, whichever you need.”

Jules shook her head. “You say that but you don’t know..”

“I don’t have to know.” Sam was quick to reassure her. “Don’t get me wrong. I want you to tell me the full story because I think the secret is eating you up. But even if you never feel comfortable sharing it with me, I’ll still love you. Nothing, not anything that happened to you in your past, anything you do now, or anything that could happen in your future, can change that.”

She tried to lower her head, unable to look him in the eye, but Sam’s hands on either side of her face prevented her from doing so. Instead, she averted her gaze, feeling ashamed of her earlier behavior. “I don’t deserve you.”

“So you’ve said before. But sweetheart, the thing about love is that it’s not about someone deserving or earning it; it‘s just being willing to receive it.” Sam leaned down and captured her lips in a quick kiss. At the first brush of his lips on hers, Jules didn’t returned the kiss but didn’t pull away from it either. As Sam deepened the kiss, sliding one of his hands to the back of her head, her lips parted allowing his tongue entrance. Her throaty moan of pleasure signaled her surrender to his ministrations. He continued to kiss her and be kissed by her until he begin to feel the worst of the tension easing her body. 

They were both breathing hard by the time Sam pulled back, still holding her close to his body. “Jules, I called Sarge after you left.”

With his words, Jules stiffened once again. She stepped out of his hold and went to sit on the bed. She played with the edge of the bedspread and chewed on her bottom lip. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I didn’t give you much choice.”

Sam joined her on the bed and slowly began massaging her tight shoulders. “No you didn’t.” He agreed quietly. “I thought about waiting to tell you until morning but I didn’t want you worrying about it all night.”

“He was pretty furious wasn’t he?” Jules’s tone was completely neutral but Sam could tell from her body language that she was nervous. 

“Not at all. Actually, I think he was more relieved than anything.”

Jules twisted on the bed, breaking Sam’s hold on her shoulders. Her puzzlement at his words more than obvious. “Relieved? That I not only withheld evidence but destroyed it as well? That doesn’t sound like Sarge to me.”

“I didn’t tell him about the letters.” Sam admitted. “I might not agree with what you did but I sort of get why you felt you had to do it. You felt threatened and I can’t fault you for kicking into self-preservation mode.”

Jules frowned and shook her head. “I don’t understand. If you didn’t tell him about the letters, then why did you call Sarge?”

“To request a couple of days off for us. Add that to the three days the whole team is already scheduled off shift, that gives us five days to get out of town. We’ve been talking about getting a weekend up at Halton but just haven’t made the time. I’ve already booked us a campsite and got our gear together while you were gone. We can pack our bags in the morning and stop for supplies on our way out. I‘ve already talked to Wordy as well and Lilly is more than happy to kitten-sit so we‘ll drop Patches off at the Wordsworths before we leave.”

For a moment Jules just stared at Sam. Halton was their favorite getaway; had been since their first attempt at dating. The idea of hiking and rock climbing and simply being out in nature sounded appealing but it also sound suspiciously like running away. “As great as that sounds, I don’t want Johnny to think I’m running from him.”

“You aren’t running, Jules. Whether I like it or not, Dawson will still be here when we get back. At least this way, you can get a little distance and regain your perspective. Hopefully by the time we get back, you’ll be ready to face whatever he has planned with your usual confidence back in place. Since I’m pretty sure Aunt Millie didn’t have my cell phone number to give out, we’ll leave your phone here and rely on mine if Sarge has to contact us.”

“Sounds like you thought of everything.” Jules admitted, her tone still not revealing what she thought about the situation.

Sam shrugged. “I tried but I can cancel all the plans if you just really don’t want to.”

Jules gave it serious consideration for several minutes, then smiled. “Did you pack the air mattress and pump? There’s no way I’m going to listen to you complain about the hard ground for the next few days.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Did I ever tell you about the first time I went camping?”

Sam glanced over at Jules at her revelation. It occurred to him to remind her that she never talked about hardly any of her firsts or about her life before he met her at all. But he withheld the comment, not wanting to dampen the mood. He’d been pleased to see that she seemed excited about the trip he’d planned, more excited than he’d seen her about anything since she’d gotten the news about Dawson’s release. Even though it had been close to one in the morning before they’d gone to bed, she’d been up before five, packing and double checking the gear he’d gathered the night before. She’d been ready to leave not long after that and only the reminder that they couldn’t drop off Patches at that time of morning to Wordy held her at bay until almost seven. 

Once they had dropped off the cat and made a stop at the grocery store for the food they would need for the trip, she’d relinquished the keys to him allowing him to do the driving. She’d fiddled with the radio until she found a song she liked and had ridden in silence until her question interrupted the music-filled silence. Still, as he drove out of Toronto toward Milton it was almost as if he could see the tension that had been omnipresent in Jules for the last week almost visibly leave her body. 

“How old were you?”

“Ten or eleven. Money was never exactly what you would call tight in my family but there wasn’t a lot of extra cash floating around for just fun stuff like vacations or stuff like that either. Still, there was a camp grounds right in the Hat and for as long as I could remember Dad would take the boys for weekend camping whenever he had a chance. It was cheap recreation and the boys always had fun. As the baby and the only girl, I wasn’t invited. I always had to stay home with Mom.”

There was something in her voice that made Sam reach over and squeeze her hand. “Didn’t you and your mom get along?” He regretted the question as soon as the words left his mouth. She was finally opening up to him and he didn’t want to take a chance at her shutting back down. For a moment she was quiet and he was afraid he’d done just that. She seemed to be studying the passing scenery.

“Yeah, sure we did. It wasn’t that I didn’t like spending time with my mom but more that I was being left out of something I knew my brothers found a lot of fun. They made a point of telling me just how much every Sunday night when they got home.” It was the truth. Her mother hadn’t started her closet drinking until Jules had been almost fourteen. “She tried to make the weekends the guys were gone fun for me as well but let’s face it, I was never the Ruffles-and-Bows child she thought she was getting when the doctor told her I was a girl.”

Sam laughed out loud just trying to imagine the woman he loved as a little girl wearing frilly dresses and a big bow in her hair. He couldn’t picture it. Not that he couldn’t appreciate all her womanly assets. Though it didn’t happen often, he’d seen her get all dressed up a few times and it never failed to take his breath away. A dress had a way of hugging all her curves in just the right places that regular clothes just couldn’t hold a candle to. But no matter how hot she looked all dressed up, he knew she was always more comfortable and more herself once she was home and could change back into jeans or sweats again. “So if you were never invited along on the camping trips, what changed?”

“I threw a fit the likes nobody in the whole province of Alberta or maybe the whole of Canada has ever seen. Seriously I was a world class brat about it; it’s a wonder Dad didn’t tear the hide off my backside and lock me in my room for that whole weekend but instead he agreed to let me come along. The boys didn’t like the idea; they tried to talk me out of it. Told me about all the bugs and snakes and lack of bathroom facilities.”

Sam lifted the hand that was holding hers to his lips and brushed a quick kiss over her knuckles. “Let me guess, the more they tried to convince you it was icky, the more in love with the idea you became.”

Jules smiled broadly. “You know me so well.”

“I’m trying.” Sam admitted softly. He would take any glimpse she offered him into her past as a gift and treasure it as such. “I take it you had a good time.”

“The best. After the first time there was never a question again about whether I should get to go. We even talked Mom into going once or twice; she enjoyed it but didn’t just love it the way we did so she didn’t come often but when she did, it was nice to have the whole family together.”

She fell quiet after that and returned to just watching the scenery pass. She had a contented smile on her face and Sam was glad that she had pleasant memories from her childhood that seemed to, at least for the moment, overshadowed the tragic ones that had consumed her recently. 

The rest of the forty minute drive was made in an easy silence. He stopped at the park entrance and got their necessary permits. With their early start, he figured they’d have to hold off setting up their actual camp until late in the afternoon once the site became available but they were fortunate enough that the furthest available site was already clear and available. Sam pulled up beside their assigned site and they unloaded the jeep. Once everything was out, Jules drove around to the official parking spaces and after putting the top up on the jeep and locking it up, hiked back to Sam. 

“Kelso doesn’t look too busy at the moment.” She reported. “I only noticed four or five camps set up right now. I would have figured the place would be packed.”

“The heat’s probably keeping most people away from actually camping. I bet the cabins at KAO are full of people wanting to enjoy what the different parks have to offer but with an air conditioned alternative.” Sam mused as he laid out the different pieces of their tent for assembly. 

“Wimps.” Jules added as she knelt down to help him. Sam reached out and pulled her in for a quick kiss. He loved her unconditionally but this was the Jules he’d first fallen hard for and he was glad to see her back. He only hoped it would last beyond their time away. She smiled at him. “What was that for?”

“Just because I can. Come on, let’s get the tent up and then we can figure out what we want to do first.”

Jules grinned and then kissed him again. “Oh, I know exactly what I want to do first.”

The tent was momentarily forgotten as was the reality that they were in a public, albeit not crowded, place. Sam pulled her into his arms holding her close. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

She ran her hands lightly over his t-shirt clad torso and bit down slightly on her lower lip. “It’s been ages since we put those mountain bikes we lugged up here to good use. Think you’re up to some of the diamond and double diamond trails?”

Realizing she’d set him up Sam laughed and nodded. “Oh, I’m up to anything you have to offer me. Just don’t expect me to take it easy on you once we hit the trails.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Please, like I’ll give you the chance to take it easy on me. Just try to keep up with me, Braddock.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
 _“The fish just aren’t biting.” Seventeen year old Ridge Callaghan grumbled as he surveyed the bait on the end of his hook._

_“It’s too hot even for them.” Agreed his just slightly older brother Mark. “I say we give up trying to catch the fish and just go swimming with them. Hey, Squirt, want to head back to the campsite and see if the others want to go swimming?”_

_Fifteen year old Jules pulled her line from the water and carefully secured the hook. She rolled her eyes at her brothers. “I suppose you want me to lug all the fishing gear back with me as well? I swear you two treat me like I‘m your personal slave.”_

_The two brothers grinned and exchanged knowing looks. “Hey Mark, how many years have we been letting her tag alone and she’s just now realizing why we let her?”_

_“Jerk.” Jules accused gathering up the poles and tackle. “You’re just glad that with me along, you’re no longer the youngest that has to do all the grunge work. Just for the record, I’m only doing this because I need to get my swim suit anyway. I can’t just swim in my shorts like you boys can.”_

_“Sucks to be a girl.” Mark countered as she made her way away from the lake._

_She could hear the splashes of her brothers jumping into the water before she even reached the path. She shook her head. Five years of these camping trips and they never lost their appeal. Adjusting the rods to get a better grip on them without risking getting a hook in her hand, Jules made her way toward the four tent campsite. About halfway there, she was met by a familiar tall figure with dark hair and an easy smile. That easy smile got bigger when he saw her._

_“Hey there Little JAC, I thought you and the brats were catching supper.”_

_She stopped to talk to her uncle. Usually their camping trips consisted just of her, her dad, and her brothers, even now that her brothers had gotten older and were primarily on their own. James however, had begged out of this trip, preferring to spend the weekend with his girlfriend -soon-to-be-fiancée’s family instead. So in his place, Peter had invited Johnny along instead._

_“They aren’t biting, UJ. The boys decided a swim would be more productive. I was heading to the campsite to drop this stuff off, grab my suit and see if the rest of you wanted to join us.”_

_“Peter and your father decided to take a hike; I think your brother’s finally worked up the nerve to tell your dad about wanting to do that independent study in France. But a swim sounds good to me. Want me to help you get this stuff back?”_

_Jules shook her head. “Nah, you go on up to the lake. You know you can’t leave Ridge and Mark alone for too long without them trying to outdo each other. I’m sure by now they are trying to see who can hold their breath longer under water or something like that.”_

_“Okay, if you’re sure.” Johnny watched as she continued down the path toward the tents. When she was out of sight he started walking again following her instead of heading to the lake._

_Jules set the fishing gear beside her father’s tent and grabbed her suit off the line they’d set up for drying things. She slipped into her single man pup tent to change. Jules shed her t-shirt and then shimmied out of her shorts. A cold chill ran down her spine as she similarly slipped out of her bra and panties and reached for her slightly damp swimsuit. She stopped what she was doing, self consciously covering her small breasts with her arms. She had a sudden sense of being watched. It didn’t make sense. No one was in the campsite and even if they were, the most they could see through the tent material would just be shadows._

_She shook her hand and laughed at herself. Her brothers would have a field day laughing at her if they knew she’d gotten spooked during the middle of the day. Dismissing the bad feeling, she donned her swimsuit and reached for shirt she’d stolen from her father to use as a cover-up. Once outside her tent, she leaned down to re-zip it, not wanting to come back later and find she was sharing her living space with any of nature’s wildlife. Straightening up and turning around, she jumped to realize she wasn’t alone in the area._

_“Jeeze, UJ, I thought you’d gone on to the lake.”_

_“Came back for my sunscreen. I doubt a sunburn would make the rest of the weekend much fun. You ready?”_

_She remembered the feeling of being watched she’d felt as she was dressing and then shook the feeling away. Why would he be trying to watch her change clothes through the tent? That was ridiculous. He was her uncle and her brother’s best friend, not some sort of voyeur. “Yeah, let’s grab the towels off the line and head back to the lake. A swim will feel great in this heat.”_

\-- FP --

  
Sam woke with a start somewhere in the middle of the night. Rubbing his hand over his face he wondered what it was that had startled him awake. He looked to one side to gauge the time but there was no red numbers on a clock looking back at him. Had the power gone off? Was that what woke him up? Slowly he was once more aware of his surroundings as sleep fully left him. There were no red numbers shining back at him because there was no clock, no nightstand, no bedroom. He was sleeping on the air mattress in a tent with the woman of his dreams nestled into his side. He looked down. Scratch that, air mattress and tent were there but Jules wasn’t curled up in the double sleeping bag with him. 

He frowned, all day long he hadn’t seen any sign of the stressed out Jules who had filled his entire being with worry for the past week. In fact, here in this sanctuary, it was almost as if Johnny Dawson no longer existed. By the time they had returned to the campsite from their bike ride, the sun had been just before setting and they were both exhausted. They’d purposely chosen the trails marked for the most experienced riders and even with that added challenge, their natural competitive natures had increased the vigor of their ride even more. Jules had gotten their campfire started while he secured their bikes to the lockable bike rack on the back of the jeep. When he returned, the fire was going and he suddenly felt himself being pelted with marshmallows. He’d laughed and tried to steal the bag away from her, warning her that they’d want those later to roast on the fire for smores. Their grumbling stomachs had prevented their playfulness from going too far and they had put the marshmallows back in the cooler for later and worked together to prepare supper. He’d even been pleased to see that her appetite which had been almost nonexistent since she’d gotten the news seemed to have returned as she put him to shame demolishing their dinner. Even their lovemaking before retiring for the night hadn’t had a hint of the hesitancy he’d felt in her during the last week. As he’d drifted off to sleep, completely sated and content, he’d silently congratulated himself on his idea of getting her away from town for a few days. 

He unzipped the sleeping bag, wondering how Jules had managed to leave without waking him up. He pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and left the tent. He grabbed a flashlight but his eyes quickly acclimated to the night and with the stars overhead, found he didn’t need it. He looked around with a frown, not seeing Jules. Trusting his gut, started up the path away from the other camp sites into the woods. After a ten minute walk he caught a glimpse of her form sitting on a large boulder about ten meters off the path. Her knees were pulled up close to her body but he couldn’t tell much else. He wanted to go to her but didn’t want to scare her by sneaking up on her. 

“It’s okay; I know you’re there.” Her soft voice filtered across the night and urged him toward her. He climbed up on the boulder beside her and gently pulled her against him. She didn’t fight him and rested her head against his broad chest. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I don’t think you did. The chill in your body tells me you’ve been out here awhile. Those wimps who prefer the air conditioned cabins at KAO don’t realize that as hot as it gets in the day, the nights can be pretty cool. You okay?” He promised himself he wasn’t going to pry even though he wanted to. Over and over he’d told her that he wouldn’t force her to tell him anything she didn’t want to talk about and then as soon as something new came to light, he went right back to pressing. He wasn’t going to make that mistake again. 

Jules pulled his arms tighter against her body. Sam wasn’t sure if the movement was for warmth or comfort but was willing to give either or both. For a moment she didn’t say anything but he didn’t break the silence either. Finally she spoke, her voice sounding almost far away. 

“Memories are funny things, you know?” Sam didn’t respond, correctly assuming it was a rhetorical question. Jules continued. “I hadn’t really thought about any of those camping trips I used to take with my dad and brothers in years, except for those moments that always get brought up when the family gets together. Stories about how James nearly broke his neck the time he was the first one to try out the old rope swing one summer and didn’t realize the lake was way down because of a drought. Or the time Ridge burned his foot when the other guys hid outside his tent and made him think a bear was abut to attack. As he ran out, he didn’t pay attention to where he was going and ran through the fire pit that while the fire was out was still full of hot embers.”

Sam winced at the thought of both injuries thinking if her brothers were anything like she was about throwing her whole self into things, those were probably just the beginning of the injuries they’d sustained. The tips of his fingers lightly grazed her arms as he waited for her to continue. 

“I had totally forgotten about the one camping trip Johnny went with us on, about a year and a half before Mom died. It was one of our last simply because the boys were all pretty much grown at that point and Mom insisted that it wouldn’t be proper for just Dad and I to go camping. Obviously I didn‘t see it then and for some reason I haven‘t thought about that trip in the years after but I think he was a little bit sick even then.”

Sam closed his eyes and his jaw tightened. He’d thought this trip was what Jules needed and it had seemed to be working but it seemed Johnny had to show up even for it without even being physically present. “Jules…”

He felt rather than saw the shake of her head, silencing him. “I feel safe here.”

“You are safe. Johnny can’t leave Toronto without violating the terms of his release. I don’t think he’s stupid enough to jeopardize his freedom.” Sam assured her softly, glad that no matter where her thoughts had taken her, she still felt secure. 

Jules drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t mean here as in Halton. I mean here in your arms. You make me feel safe.”

“You are, always.” Sam assured her, drawing her even closer to him as proof. “I may screw up at times. Hell, I may screw up a lot but the last thing I ever want to do is make you feel anything but safe and secure.”

“You’ve been so patient with me, Sam and I’ve treated you like dirt. I haven’t been fair to you at all.”

His heart was beating a little rapidly and he twisted on the boulder just a little so he could look her in the eye. He could see the pools of water filling her brown eyes even with the dim light of the stars. “None of this has been fair to you. You don’t have to feel bad about anything.”

“Yeah I do. I’m selfish, have been since our first attempt at dating. I’m always putting my own needs and wants above yours. You should have walked away a long time ago but you haven’t. You even arranged this trip just to make me feel better.”

Sam leaned down, resting his forehead against hers. “I don’t think you are selfish. Far from it. Jules, one of the first things I learned about you is that you are one of the most independent people I’ve ever met. Yeah sometimes it drives me absolutely crazy cause my nature is to swoop in and fix things. Like when you were recovering in the hospital after you were shot. I’d see you struggling with your physical therapy and I wanted to do things for you to make it easier for you. You wouldn’t let me and it was as frustrating as hell but eventually I saw you had to do it even if hurt you like hell. I love the fact that you don’t need me but choose to be with me anyway.”

His words hung in the night air for several minutes as Jules mulled them over. At last she shook her head. “I’m not that independent. Not really. It’s more like I’m scared to need anyone. Scared that if I let anyone get too close someone’s going to get hurt and I’m afraid that someone will be me. That’s the reason I ended things between us the first time. I was feeling vulnerable, afraid that everything I had worked for was about to be lost so I did the one thing I felt like I had control over.”

Sam felt like she was being too hard on herself but knew his words to the contrary would fall on deaf ears. Something was weighing heavily on her and the best he could do was just hold her and listen as she rationalized it to herself and to him. She twisted around so that her back was once more flush against his chest and his arms protectively wrapped around her. He resumed his light strokes of his fingertips against her arms waiting for her to continue. The time stretched on without her saying anything and he glanced down, thinking maybe she’d fallen asleep on him. Her eyes were open though and she looked like she was struggling with something.

“Jules?”

“I’m a wimp.”

The comment was so absurd that Sam couldn’t help but laugh. “Not hardly. The wimps are down the road in the air conditioned KOA cabins, remember? Jules, it’s okay to feel vulnerable at times. It doesn’t make you weak or a wimp. If you feel like you have to have control over things, can anyone really blame you? Dawson didn’t just kill your mother that night. He made you question everything you thought you knew about love and trust. Hell, I think Aunt Millie is right -- jail was too good a punishment for him.” Sam carefully left out any hint to anything else Dawson might have done.

“He made me question a lot more than that.” Jules admitted softly. Almost so softly that Sam had to strain to hear her. When her words registered with him, he sucked in his breath. This was the closest she’d come to admitting that more had happened and as much as he wanted to hear what she had to say, he was scared to think what the cost might be for her. Still, he didn’t want to say anything; not wanting to risk shutting down anything she might be opening up to say. 

Again she fell silent and Sam was afraid it was all he was going to get. Finally she wiggled out of his arms. As much as he wanted to hold her, he released her immediately. She stood and walked a couple of feet further into the woods where the stars didn’t quite penetrate the canopy of trees the way they were at the boulder. He could still make out her outline but not her individual features. 

“When I was really little I kept getting strep throat.” Jules admission seemed so random that it caught Sam by surprised. “Finally, the year I turned seven, the doctor told my parents that if I got sick once more in a year’s time I would have to have my tonsils out. I didn’t understand much of what they were talking about except for the fact that if I had the surgery I would get to eat all the ice cream I wanted when it was over. I thought that sounded great and even asked if we had to wait to see if I got sick again. I was ready to sign up for surgery that day.”

Sam smiled even though he wasn’t sure where she was going with her story. Childhood stories from Jules were so rare that he was willing to listen whenever she was willing to share one. He’d never had problems with his tonsils but Natalie had. She’d been excited about eating ice cream as well until she tried to the first bite and felt the pain swallowing even the soft cold food caused. 

“Then my brothers shared with me their version of what would happen.” Jules continued. “I was seven so they were between nine and fourteen and had me convinced they were foremost experts on everything. I don’t even remember all the horror stories they told me about what surgery would be like. Needless to say by the time they were through I was terrified, convinced that if I had my tonsils taken out life as I knew it would never be the same.”

Other than Peter, Sam hadn’t met any of her brothers but as a brother himself, he was pretty sure he could imagine the horror stories they filled their little sister’s head with. Despite his intention to not interrupt her, he couldn’t help but ask, “Then what happened?” 

“I got a sore throat. It wasn’t bad at first so I didn’t think twice about not saying anything about it. Then I started getting sicker and sicker but even though I knew I needed to tell Mom and Dad so they could take me to the doctor, I stayed quiet, afraid they would force me to have surgery. For a solid week I was horribly ill -- sore throat, high fever, the whole nine yards.” Knowing how well Jules could pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t, it didn’t surprise Sam to hear she’d been able to fool her parents. Jules continued. “After that, I started to get better so I thought I had dodged the bullet. Until I woke up one morning with a horrible red rash all over and a fever so high I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow.”

“Scarlet fever?”

Jules nodded. “I had to be hospitalized. The doctor was surprised by the diagnosis since I hadn’t been sick. I still didn’t tell them because I was afraid of the surgery. About two months later I got sick again and despite how bad the scarlet fever had been I still wasn’t going to tell them I was sick. James ratted me out; I don’t know if he felt guilty about how much they had scared me or just wanted to get me in trouble. They told me my brothers had just been pulling my leg and that surgery wouldn’t be any problem. I had built that fear up so much I couldn’t believe them. The doctor said he’d never seen someone so frightened about a simple surgery.”

Sam was sure there was more to her story than her sudden desire to share another childhood memory and he wanted to wait for her to state the connection herself. Still, it was killing him to have her standing so far away. In the dim light, he could see her hugging her arms across her chest. “Jules.” 

He stood up, wanting to cross the distance and once more take her in his arms. If she felt more comfortable in the increased darkness of the trees then he could handle that. She shook her head. “Sam, please. Just stay over there, okay? This is hard enough as it is.”

Obediently he sat back down, drawing one knee up close to him. Seeing that he wasn’t going to come closer, Jules began to pace. “I need to tell you what happened. I need to but I can’t. I have it in my mind what will happen if I do and it scares me worse than anything. And before you sit there and tell me your reaction or the consequences could never be as bad as what I’m afraid they’ll be, save your breath. My heart knows that but it can’t convince my head.”

Now Sam understood the point of her earlier story. She wanted him to understand that it wasn’t about keeping secrets from him for the sake of keeping secrets. He could only imagine what lies Dawson had fed a humiliated and violated innocent girl. Lies that had seemed as convincing as the tales her mischievous brothers had told an unsuspecting seven year old. He wanted to hear what had happened to her as much as she probably needed to finally voice it but it wouldn’t be that easy. 

“Jules, come here.” His tone was even and soft, almost pleading. She shook her head, turning away from him to stare into the dark woods. “Jules, please. If my arms are where you feel safe then let me hold you. At least let me offer you that.”

He wasn’t sure if she was going to take him up on his offer but slowly, taking only half a step at a time, she made her way back to his arms. He folded her against his body, rubbing his arms briskly up and down her chilled arms. Once he felt a little warmth return to her arms, he stopped and raised his hand to her chin lifting it so she had to look at him. “Jules, I understand. Whatever happened, you’ve lived with the fear and pain of it for twenty years. I nor anyone else can expect you to let go of that all at once. There’s no timetable in this. The fact that you are willing to open up to me is a huge step. Details can wait.”

She didn’t look convinced. He brushed his thumb lightly over her cheekbone. “Jules, remember in the hospital when you were so discouraged that as much as you wanted to run laps around your hospital floor you could barely put one foot in front of the other? The doctor told you to start slow, to take baby steps. This is the same way. Want to try? If it’s too much, say the word and we’ll stop.”

A soft smile touched her lips remembering he’d said pretty much the same thing those first few attempts to walk after her surgery. “Okay.”

“There are certain ways you don’t like to be touched when we make love, there’s a reason for that isn’t there?”

Slowly Jules nodded, a hard shudder wracking her body. 

“Is Dawson responsible for that reason?” Again another nod. Even though the dark should conceal all but the most obvious expressions, Sam was careful not to let his disgust at the man show. He didn’t want Jules to misinterpret any reaction he might unwittingly show. “How badly did he hurt you?”

He felt her tense and knew he’d gone too far with that question. Immediately, he backtracked. “Okay, forget that question. I’m sorry.” He remembered the insinuations Dawson had made to him of how close he and Jules were and his stomach churned. “Let me guess, Dawson threatened you into not telling, didn’t he? Maybe told you he’d hurt you or someone else if you told? Maybe told you no one would believe you or that they would think you wanted it? Am I right?”

“All of it.” She admitted softly. He felt her tears roll over his fingers on the side of her face and leaned down and kissed them away. 

“Damn him, Jules. He’s a lying bastard.”

_I can only imagine the things he told you last night to make it seem like what he was doing was either okay or your fault. And you probably believed every word he told you because that’s how deceitful he really is. Let’s sort through his lies together so you can see the truth for what it really is._

Her mother’s words from the day she died came back to Jules. The young woman hiccupped softly. “My mom basically said the same thing.”

Sam frowned, it was sounding more and more like Greg’s theory the day before could possible be true. Margaret knew what her brother had done to Jules. No matter what reason Johnny had for killing her, he’d probably led Jules to believe it was because Jules had told her mother what had happened. No wonder Jules couldn’t talk about what had happened. “Jules, your mom’s death wasn’t your fault. You know that don’t you? No matter what shit he fed you to make you think otherwise, it’s his fault and his fault alone.”

He felt her stiffen again. Then she shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Of course. Can we not do this anymore tonight? I’m really tired.”

Sam had to remind himself what he’d told her earlier. There was no timetable in this; nothing was going to be solved tonight and pushing her any further would just cause her more pain. He stood, lifting her into his strong arms. “Whatever you need. You and me, are we okay here?”

She rested her head on his shoulder, too tired to even protest the fact that he shouldn’t be carrying her. “I sure hope so. I don’t think I could handle it if we aren’t.”


	16. Chapter 16

The light illuminating the interior of the tent roused Sam from his disturbed slumber. He blinked back the sleep from his eyes and then looked down at the woman sleeping in his arms. He smiled, glad to see that though her eyes were still puffy from her late night tears, her expression seemed relaxed. In the earlier morning hours as he carried her back to their tent, she’d fallen asleep against his chest, apparently worn out from her emotional release of at least some of her demons. 

His own sleep hadn’t been as easy to come by as he had lain in their sleeping bags mulling over what she had revealed to him and worrying over what she hadn’t. As a cop, he’d been through the training on how to sensitively and professionally respond to an assault victim. Objectively, he was confident in his abilities but nothing in the training touched on how to handle the same situation when it hit you personally. Jules wasn’t some victim that he would question to get a report and then never see again. She was so much more and he didn’t want to do anything to screw it up. 

As grateful as he was that she’d finally let him in at least a little, the most he’d gotten from her was basically just a confirmation of his suspicions and nothing more. He knew even that admission was a huge step for her but seeing the emotional drain it cost her, wondered if she could handle the rest. He’d always thought Jules could handle anything and it was more than a little sobering to find there was something that she struggled with. 

Jules squirmed slightly in his arms and he recognized the slight intake of breath that signaled she was waking up as well. Her eyes fluttered several times before opening halfway. She yawned and smiled slightly. “What time is it?”

Sam shrugged, leaning down to kiss her good morning. “I don’t know; my watch is in here somewhere. From the amount of light in the tent I’d say late morning.”

She sat up, all trace of sleepiness gone, and glanced down at her ever-present watch. She was the only person Sam knew that was almost never without a way of telling time. “It’s almost ten. Damn, why didn’t you wake me up? We’re wasting daylight here, Braddock.”

Sam pulled her back down to him and kissed her once again. “Relax, Jules; this is a vacation, remember? We don’t have to go nonstop every minute. I think we’re entitled to a late morning now and then. Besides, we didn’t exactly get a lot of sleep last night.”

There was a hint of something in her eyes and then Sam realized what she would never say. The secrets of her past that were revealed in the dark of the night would remain there. To press her further until she was ready to once again let him in would prove fruitless and frustrating. And because he loved her, he would go along with her wishes. 

Suppressing the sigh he was feeling, Sam sat up pulling her up alongside him. “Okay, you win. This is your vacation after all.”

He reached to unzip the sleeping bag but she stilled his hand and gazed into his blue eyes. “No, it’s our vacation and in case I didn’t say it yesterday, thanks for doing this for me. Even though I was being a complete bitch to you, you still managed to not only know exactly what I needed but pull it off seamlessly. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky but you are beyond a doubt the absolute best boyfriend in the entire universe. I love you so much and I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Sam had had his fair share of girlfriends, women who could turn on the verbal mush without blinking an eye and say the most flattering things that while the words were sweet and he appreciated them, had never meant as much as what Jules had just said. Sure, she expressed her love for him in many ways that meant the world to him, but she wasn’t the most verbally expressive person he’d ever dated. But when she so chose to do so -- like now, she could turn him into putty. He also knew she was thanking him for more than just the trip and he’d take that acknowledgement without making a big deal out of it. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently.

“I love you just as much and you don’t have to even think about what you would do without me because you are stuck with me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

“I’ll remember that the next time Patches’s litter box needs changing.”

Sam chuckled realizing he’d walked right into that one. “Okay, before you start busting my chops again about the day that’s wasting, how do you want to spend the day?”

“Head over to Rattlesnake for rock climbing?” Jules suggested. She made it a question but she knew Sam would go along with her idea easily enough. She slid out of the sleeping bag and reached for her duffle bag for a fresh change of clothes. Her hands were slightly shaking as she waited to see if Sam would watch her as she shed her clothes and changed in front of him. It wasn’t the first time she’d allowed herself to be naked in front of him even when they weren’t about to make love and though neither had ever said anything about it, it gave her a boost to know that he liked to look at her. Still, this was the first time she’d undressed in front of him since her admission of her past and she was worried it would change the way he reacted toward her. 

“I pretty much knew you were going to say that.” Sam briefly wondered if he should busy himself with his own dressing. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but he couldn’t help but let his eyes travel appreciatively up and down her bare body. He loved looking at her and felt himself harden at the sight of her gorgeous body displayed just for him. No question that she was a very beautiful and desirable woman; her work and her recreational activities keeping her body firmly tone and supple. He wondered if she even knew just how breathtaking she really was or if he even came close to telling her enough. “You’re beautiful.”

Her back was to him as she reached for her shirt and she closed her eyes to ward off the sudden wetness that filled them. Only two words but the ones she most needed to hear in that moment. She slid the shirt over her head and when she was sure her expression wouldn’t betray the sudden emotion turned back to face him. “You’re pretty hot yourself. I’ll get us some coffee and breakfast started while you get dressed.”

She leaned over and kissed him before leaving the tent.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

“So much better than the wall at the gym.” Sam commented after he and Jules had both reached the summit of the rock they’d chosen to climb first. Jules just grinned as she reached for the water bottle she had fastened to her side pack. She took a long swallow and offered it to Sam. He shook his head, pulling out his own bottle. “What do you think, should we suggest this as a possible means of entry on calls?”

Jules laughed. “What makes you think I haven’t already suggested it? Lew and I once even worked up a whole demonstration at the training house. Sarge wouldn’t go for it; said most buildings didn’t have enough jugs to hold onto and that building owners wouldn’t want us putting pitons in all up and down a building. So I guess I’ll have to be happy when the situation calls for a rappelling MOE.”

Sam heard the slight hitch in her voice when she mentioned their fallen friend and knew that she still keenly felt the death of the young SRU officer. Hell, they all did but he suspected that she and Spike missed Lew more than the rest of the team. “He would have liked Rattlesnake Point, wouldn’t he?”

“Who do you think bought my first annual pass? He discovered the place on the internet and suggested that we come up some Saturday and practice. We did; loved it and new it would be in our best interest to go ahead and get an annual membership. The next time we did an obstacle course training at work, we set up a bet with each other. The one of us with the lower time had to buy the other’s annual pass. We talked about Rattlesnake so much we even got Spike coming up with us on free Saturdays to climb. It didn’t stop us from getting some practice runs in at work rappelling down the side of the building but at least here, we didn’t have Sarge busting our chops about messing up the windows or scaring little old ladies on other floors.” She would have willingly agreed to wash every window of headquarters if it meant she could have just one more escapade with Lewis Young. She returned her water bottle to her pack and blew out the air in her lungs through her mouth as if by doing so she could also dislodge the sad turn the conversation had taken. “So how about we descend so we can get one more climb in before lunch? Race ya?”

Sam nodded and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. “How come you never talk about racing on the way up? Is it because you believe your light weight beautiful ass drops much more quickly than mine does?” He knew the real answer but wanted to put a smile on her face again. Ascending up the rock face took concentration and skill, one wrong hand grab or foot placement could spell disaster. It wasn’t the time to put speed ahead of caution. The descent however relied more on the trust you had with your equipment. Neither was a practice someone untrained should attempt but Sam and Jules both were skilled enough that a little competition wouldn’t hurt. 

Jules rolled her eyes. “You are such a romantic, you know that right? Catch ya on the flip side.” With her parting words, she stepped off the side getting a quick head start on him. 

Sam chuckled as he dropped off the side behind her. There was something thrilling about stepping off into thin air and trusting that your rigging would keep gravity from pulling you down too quickly. He didn’t push the speed, enjoying instead being able to look down and watch Jules in her own descent. She made it look effortless, lightly bouncing her feet off the side of the rock face in random spots on her way down. 

She was already unhooking her rigging when he reached the ground. She shook her head. “Getting slow there, Braddock.”

“Just admiring the view. It keeps distracting me.”

Jules took a deep breath and looked around at the scenery laid out before them. She smiled, looking relaxed and content. “Yeah, this place is so amazing. Who would believe all this existed just a short drive out of the city.”

Sam wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him. He lowered his head to hers, making sure she realized his eyes were solely on her. “Yeah, it’s great but not the view I was into.”

Jules giggled but then lightly pushed him away. “That’s great, Sam. Blame me for your loss. Fine, if it makes you feel better, go right ahead. So, which one do you want to tackle next -- and if you know what’s best for you, your answer will not be me.”

At work, Sam didn’t get the chance to so openly flirt with the woman he loved, so he was enjoying this opportunity to do so now. But at the same time, he was also glad to see the clouds of sadness that had settled over her with their talk about Lew had lifted. He turned her to where they were both looking at the easiest of the three climbs offered at Rattlesnake. They had climbed all three designated sites the park offered several times in the past but could still be challenged by most of their climbs. That particular climb however, they could both make in their sleep. “How about that one? It wouldn’t take us long so we can get an early lunch before we tackle some of the more difficult ones later. We could even make that one a competition to see who really is the best. I promise not to take it easy on you.”

“I’d never expect you to.” Jules promised. “Yeah, sounds like a plan. And I promise you that when I leave you in the dust, I won’t brag about it at work when we get back -- at least not too much.”

Sam gave her butt a playful slap urging her forward. “I make no such promises when I show you how it’s done.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

Sam pulled the Jeep into a slot in the parking area closet to their campsite at Kelso. The sun was low in the sky but it would still be several hours before it sank completely. He glanced over at Jules sitting beside him and reached over to give her hand a warm squeeze. “You look tired.”

He couldn’t blame her. They’d climbed all three designated sites Rattlesnake offered at least three different times each from a different angle so it was like a different climb every time. His own muscles were sore from the workout they’d received but it was a good type of sore, the kind that let him know that he’d exercised well. 

Keeping her head against the head rest of the her seat, she turned it slightly so she could look at Sam. She smiled. “Not so much tired as relaxed to the consistency of a wet noodle. I can’t remember the last time I was able to cram so much fun into one day. Have I thanked you for this?”

Sam smiled. “You have and you don’t have to keep doing so. Truth is, I needed this trip just as much as you did and I wouldn’t want to spend a vacation with anyone else. So, I’m forgiven for letting us sleep late this morning?”

“Yeah, sorry about giving you grief about it.” Jules blushed slightly and then as if making a decision, pulled her hand from his grasp and unstrapped her watch. Then she held out her hand. “Give me your watch.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. For as long as he had known her, Jules always wore her watch. Anytime she’d had to go without it, she’d complained about feeling naked. Confused, he unfastened it and handed it over. “What are you doing?”

She opened the glove box and placed the two watches inside before closing it. “You were right this morning. This is a vacation and we’re not on a timetable. No more worrying about time for the rest of the trip. We’ll go to sleep when we’re too exhausted to stay awake any longer and wake up when our bodies decide we’ve slept enough. We’ll eat when we get hungry and not when the clock says it’s time.”

“Sounds like a plan to me. What’s your body telling you it wants right now?”

Jules considered the question carefully. “How about a swim? The water will help work out the kinks in our muscles and cool us off.”

“Swimming it is. We’ll change into our suits and head to the lake.”

In almost no time at all, they were walking hand in hand down to the lake. It was still pretty crowded for early evening but probably no where near as full as it would have been even a couple of hours earlier during the full heat of the day. They passed several families making their way back toward their cars ready to end their day of fun. One woman passed them carrying a crying toddler. As they came abreast of each other the child dropped a well-worn pink bunny but the little girl’s mother didn’t seem to notice. Releasing Sam’s hand, Jules stopped and scooped it up. 

“Ma’am?”

The woman stopped but didn’t turn around. Jules jogged back toward her and handed her the bunny. “Your little girl dropped this. Probably would have made the tears worse if she lost it.”

The woman thanked her and then continued on. Jules rejoined Sam and they finished the short trek down to the water. They were just sinking their toes into the wet sand when they noticed a commotion around the lifeguard stand. One lifeguard was trying to talk to an obviously distraught woman who had two small children clamoring around her legs while another was on the radio. Two more were already running toward the water, their rescue buoys in hand. Sam frowned. “Something’s wrong.” 

They both scanned the lake for any sign of someone in distress but saw nothing. The cops in each of them couldn’t contain their curiosity any more than the other onlookers seemed to be able to. A man standing near them explained what he knew. “I think there’s a kid missing. I’ve seen the family all day; they’ve got about five kids. The dad took the oldest two out into the water about an hour ago and the mom was entertaining the youngest three on the beach. Suddenly the mom was screaming and when I looked over there were only two kids with her. You don’t think one went into the water by himself do you?”

Jules frowned and scanned the beach. “Seems like with this many people around someone would have noticed a small child going into the water unattended and intervened. Sam, let’s see if we can help.”

The two made their way closer to the lifeguard stand. The mother of the missing child was hysterical, insisting she’d only turned her back on her little girl for a moment to put more sunscreen on the other two and when she turned back to put some on her, the little girl was gone. Sam identified himself and Jules to the lifeguard and volunteered their assistance. Jules looked from the mother to the other two children and her heart thudded suddenly. 

“Did your daughter have a pink bunny?”

Sam gave her an odd look but the mother nodded. “Yes, Sara carries it everywhere. Have you seen her?”

Jules nodded. “She’s not in the lake; she was taken.” She turned to the lifeguard with the radio. “Radio the gate entrance. Tell them not to let anyone leave the park. Sam, the woman we passed on the hike down has her; I’m sure of it.”

She took off running back up the path, knowing she and Sam were the best trained to handle this particular situation. Kelso Park was expansive and she had no way of knowing what direction the woman would have headed to after they had parted ways on the path but Jules had to hope that she would have headed straight to the parking lot. Sam kept pace with her clutching the radio the lifeguard had thrust in his hands as he started to follow Jules. The radio crackled to life.

_“We got five cars waiting to exit the park. We’ve got the gate closed and authorities on the way. How do you want us to respond?”_

Sam keyed the radio. “We don’t want to spook her if we can avoid it. Can you check each vehicle for signs of the missing toddler? Maybe inform each car that there’s a park emergency and you’ll let them leave as soon as it is safe? Don’t mention the missing child. If you get a visual, do NOT engage the suspect; I repeat DO NOT engage.”

_“Copy that.”_

Sam looked at Jules who seemed hell-bent on getting to the entrance as quickly as possible. No sign of sore muscles or wet-noodle relaxation in her body at all now. “Jules, think about this. We aren’t on duty and we aren’t armed.”

“We don’t know that she is either. Sam, we’ve got to try; at least start negotiating until the authorities arrive.”

He’d known it was useless to argue with her; he didn’t even really want to dissuade her. Even unarmed, they were better equipped to handle the negotiation part of a potential hot call than the park officials would be and probably even better than the local authorities could. He simply wanted her to think things through so she didn’t get hurt.

_“We got a visual. Suspect, a woman in her early thirties, is alone with a child matching the missing toddler’s description. The child appears upset but uninjured. No sign of weapons in the car but the woman is agitated.”_

Sam and Jules weren’t far from the park entrance and he grabbed her arm and stopped her. He keyed the radio once again. “Copy that. Observation only. See if you can get the license plate number without being too obvious and get the responding units to run the tag, see who we’re dealing with.” He unkeyed the mike and stared down at Jules who looked furious that he’d stopped her. “Okay, we’re doing this but we gotta have a plan. We’re flying blind here and that’s not good. Suggestions?”

Jules nodded. “You go to the jeep, get the crowbar. I’ll distract the woman, try to get her out of the vehicle if possible. If I can, then you can use the crowbar to pop the door closest to the child and get her to safety.”

Sam nodded; it wasn’t the best plan but it was as good as they could probably hope to get at this point. They could hear the sirens of the responding units getting closer and knew it was only a matter of time before the woman realized they were after her. They parted company where Sam could retrieve the needed tool from the jeep and Jules could take her position near the car. The radio crackled to life again.

_“She’s bolting. The arrival of the police spooked her. She’s got the toddler in her arms and it looks like she has a revolver as well.”_

Knowing that Jules wouldn’t have heard the report since she didn’t have her own radio, Sam frowned and took off running in her direction. He thudded to a stop when he saw the woman they’d passed on the path standing at the edge of the road holding the screaming child against her shoulder with one hand and extending the gun toward Jules with the other. 

“Ma’am, let’s all calm down here. You’re scaring the little girl.”

“They aren’t going to take her away from me again. I won’t let them. I won’t let you. I just got my baby back and I have to protect her.”

Never had Jules so missed the ability to have the rest of the team backing her on a call. At this point she should have Spike feeding her information about their suspect in her ear so she would know exactly what they were dealing with. Was this a birth mother trying to reclaim a child she’d either given up or lost? She also missed having Sarge to coordinate the efforts of the other officers. Out of the corner of her eye she could see them drawing down on the armed suspect with their own weapons. She hoped that Sam could convince them to let her attempt to resolve the situation without the need for violence. 

“Ma’am, I hear you and I know you want to protect your little girl but it’s hard to do that with so many guns around. How about you put yours down and we can all talk about this? We wouldn’t want the baby to get hit by accident would we?”

The woman shook her head but didn’t lower her weapon. “I just want to keep her safe. She was going to go into the water again and I couldn’t let her get hurt. She just doesn’t understand that if you go into the water, you don’t come back out and then the police and your husband and everyone else tells you there is nothing you can do. Your little girl isn’t coming back but she did. And now I’ve got to keep her safe.”

Jules took a deep breath, trying to slow her own breathing so she could slow things down with the situation, just like Sarge had always told her on calls like this. Connect, Respect, Protect. She could do this. “She’s a beautiful little girl. What’s her name?”

“Beth.”

Jules schooled her features not to react to that name. Now was not the time for her own painful memories to surface. “I had a best friend named Beth when I was younger. It’s a pretty name. Did she have fun here today?”

“I thought she was too little to come to the beach but my husband said I was worrying so much. I never took my eyes off of her, especially when we were in the water. She loves the water so much. I was letting her swim to me but it was so crowded. I told the big kids who were splashing near us to be careful because she was so little. But they didn’t listen and then one of them wasn’t watching and jumped back and landed on her. I tried to get to her but I couldn’t get to her in time. They told me she was gone forever but they were wrong. I got her back and I’m never going to let her get hurt again.”

Jules nodded. She wondered where Sam was but couldn’t break her concentration of the task at hand to actively look for him. She had to trust that he was containing the situation as best he could and would back her up if needed. “I can’t imagine how terrible that was for you. You must have been so scared. As scared as this little girl is right now. Look at her. She doesn’t understand what’s going on and she’s frightened. She just wants someone to hold her tightly and tell her it’s going to be okay. Can you do that for her? Can you put the gun away and just tell her it’s going to be okay?”

The gun in the woman’s hand wavered just a little but didn’t lower. However, as Jules notice the woman turned her attention briefly to the child, she took a couple of steps closer. She could almost feel Sam’s disapproval as she did so but didn’t feel like the woman wanted to hurt anyone. If Jules was reading her right, the woman was simply mourning the loss of her daughter when a substitute suddenly appeared in her life. She stopped her forward movement just as the woman turned her attention back to Jules, the gun no longer wavering but fixed directly on her.

“What are you doing?” The woman accused seeing that Jules had gotten closer. 

A splash of pink on the ground next to the car caught Jules’s attention and gave her an idea. “Her bunny. She dropped her bunny again. I was just going to pick it for her again. Is that okay? Can I get it for her? Looks like it’s pretty important to her. I’ll just get it, give it to her and then back away again. Okay? Can I do that for her?”

The woman pulled the hammer back on the gun, cocking it and Jules took a step backward. “Stay back. I’m not going to let anyone take her away from me again. You don’t know what its like to be told that the child you created and love so completely is gone forever. I couldn’t breath without her. My heart hurt from the pain of not being able to hold her and comfort her. I can’t live without her. I came to the beach today to say goodbye to my Bethie one more time and then I was going to end my pain. But she saved me by coming back to me.”

Jules nodded. The woman was suicidal as well as delusional. Not a good combination by any stretch of the imagination. “You’re right. I’ve never had a child but I do know what it’s like to lose someone you love. I’ve felt the kind of pain you’re talking about. It hurts like hell and you think nobody could ever understand just how much. You just want the pain to end but you don’t know how to do that. You know what, though, I bet your husband understands the loss you felt. I bet he misses your little girl as much as you do. We could get someone to call him for you, let him know about what happened here. Would you like for us to do that?”

The woman shook her head. “I just want to get back in my car with Beth and go home. Can you make them do that? Make them open the gate and move all those police cars so I can go home with my little girl? She needs a nap; she’s played hard today.”

Once again, Jules wished she had her earbud in so that she had an idea of what was going on around her. She didn’t dare take her attention away from the woman, child, and gun. “I don’t think they’ll do that. The police aren’t going to let you go anywhere as long as you have that gun. I know you would never do anything to hurt Beth but they can’t take that chance. So how about you put that gun down and then we can talk to them about it together?” Patience was a must in this job. Jules knew that. You couldn’t rush someone into doing what you wanted them to do but had to keep gently trying to encourage them to do what was right. This woman wasn’t a bad person; she was simply protecting the child she believed to be her own, the child she’d lost.

“SARA! Oh my god. My baby, give me back my baby!” 

Jules groaned inwardly. The last thing this situation needed was the child’s real mother making an already volatile situation even more dangerous. She hoped someone was close enough to grab the distraught real mother of the toddler before she put herself in danger. The woman with the gun looked confused. “Who is that? What is she talking about?”

Jules once again took in a calming breath. She couldn’t change the fact that the woman was on scene but maybe she could use her situation to reach the woman she was trying to talk down. “Her baby is missing. She was at the beach and just turned away for a moment and her daughter disappeared. Right now she’s going through the hell you did when you thought you lost Beth. She’s in agony thinking she may never see her little girl again, just you were. I can’t understand your pain but she can. Maybe you could help her. Maybe you could put down the gun and let me hold Beth and you could tell her you understand her pain. Maybe you could help her hold on to hope that she’ll get her little girl back. Do you think you could do that?”

The gun lowered ever so slightly as the woman turned her head to look at the mother who was straining against the lifeguard trying to hold her back. “She wants my little girl.”

“No,” Jules assured her. “She just wants her little girl back. Just like you did. Please, let me hold Beth; I promise she’ll be safe.” Jules started walking closer and closer and this time the woman lowered the gun. Jules took the weapon away from her and threw it behind her out of harms way and took the little girl from the woman’s arms. She slowly took several steps back, turning slightly so she could still watch the woman but shield the child with her body. 

Almost immediately everyone else reacted. Uniformed police officers swarmed the former gun toting mother. Jules went to Sara’s real mother and gently placed the screaming toddler back her mother’s welcoming arms. Before she could even appreciate the mother-daughter reunion, strong arms wrapped around her and whirled her around. Sam crushed her against his chest and as the adrenaline that had been fueling her rescue attempts started to leave her, she welcomingly melted into his embrace. 

“I’m not even going to fuss at you for those chances you took.” Sam promised. “You scared the hell out of me but you were amazing.” He lowered his head to hers and kissed her. He broke off the embrace only once he realized the park officials and local officers were waiting to get their statements. They were led to the park entrance office. Jules could hear the woman she’d been negotiating with screaming for her baby as she was led handcuffed to the waiting police car. She was sympathetic to the woman who had to be feeling like she’d lost her beloved daughter for a second time. 

“You think she’ll be okay?” Jules softly asked Sam as they filed into the office. “I know what she did was wrong but I also get why she did it.”

Sam squeezed her arm gently. “I think she’d probably be put on a psych hold and will hopefully get the psychological help she needs.”

It took awhile for them to give their statements but nowhere near the time a usual debriefing took. The sun was now much lower in the sky from when they first set off to the lake for their swim but still at least an hour before actual sunset. As they made their way out of the office Sam once more wrapped his arm around her slender waist and pulled her closer to him. “What do you say? You still want to go swimming? We left our towels down at the beach.”

“Yeah, sounds good. You upset that work sort of got in the middle of our vacation?”

Sam smiled down at her. “Would I have rather you not gone up against a delusional gun-wielding woman unarmed? Hell yeah. But at the same time if you hadn’t realized the woman we passed on the path was carrying the missing kid, we probably would have been in the lake right now hurting for a body that wasn’t there instead of swimming. We’re cops and you might take the cop out of the city but you’re not going to take the cop out of the person. We’re good.”


	17. Chapter 17

The sun had now sunk below the horizon and dusk had settled over the campgrounds. Serenading crickets battled with the crackling of the sticks burning in the small fire pit. Occasionally, the croak of bull frogs in the surrounding woods added their own notes to the melody settling over the camp grounds. The peacefulness of the encroaching night settled over the area like a comfortable blanket. 

Sam sat in the low slung camping chair next to the fire, staring almost sightlessly at the flames. He wished his mind was as at peace as the rest of the world seemed to currently be. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what was bothering him but he’d sensed Jules slightly pulling back into the depression he’d felt her slipping into before they’d left on the trip. It had started the day before after she’d successfully negotiated the release of little Sara from the tormented woman who had mistaken the toddler for her own daughter who had died tragically. 

No, he had to correct himself. Right after the event Jules was her normal self. They’d returned to the lake and had a great time swimming and splashing until the sun was just above the horizon and the lifeguards prepared to close the beach to visitors. They’d dried off and made their way back to their campsite. They’d stayed at the campsite that night, cooking supper over the campfire and even making smores afterward. It wasn’t until they’d gone to bed that Sam got the sense that something was bothering her. He’d waited to see if she was preparing to once more confide some of her past to him but she’d stayed silent on the subject and had soon fallen asleep. All night long, she’d tossed and turned in her sleep, occasionally mumbling incoherently about someone named Beth and how it was her fault. At first he’d thought she was dreaming of what could have happened during the attempted kidnapping earlier in the day but he’d never known Jules to second guess herself that way after a call. He wondered if the event had sparked some other memory.

During the light of the day, Jules had acted like nothing was wrong but even though she seemed to enjoy the day hiking at Hilton Falls and the beautiful waterfall there, he’d still sensed the subtle change in her. It had been so slight, he couldn’t help but wonder if there was something bothering her or if he had just imagined it because she hadn’t opened up any more since that first night. 

“Hey, sorry it took so long. I thought by going to the showers early I’d beat the crowd but it seems like everyone else had the same idea. The men’s side didn’t seem too busy when I was coming out though if you wanted to get your shower.” Jules returned to the campsite, her long hair down and still damp from her shower. She lowered herself to his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

He smiled at her and held her closer. “Maybe in a bit. Suddenly I’m quite comfortable where I am.”

“Me too. Is it just me or is this the most perfect place in the world?” Jules mused as she snuggled more comfortably in his embrace. “It’s like even the weather is cooperating to make this the best vacation ever. I may not ever want to go back home. Think I could sell the house and you and I just permanently move in here? The commute wouldn’t be that bad.”

“The commute might not be but the cold temperatures once winter hits might change your mind. But let’s not worry about having to go home just yet. We still have two days before we leave. Let’s just enjoy them for what they are.” 

Jules nodded ever so slightly as she lazily drew shapes with her finger on his broad chest. “Yeah, I guess I just don’t want to think about going back. It’s been nice not having to worry about what’s going on there.”

Was this what had been bothering her? Worrying what Johnny might be pulling in Toronto with them not there? He could only hope it was that easy. “Sarge told me he’d call if anything major happened. I checked the phone earlier when we got back from the falls and there had been no call.”

“Doesn’t mean Johnny isn’t up to something.” Jules murmured so softly that Sam had to strain to hear her. She sighed. “I’m sorry, Sam. I’m trying to just enjoy the trip and not think about him. I’ve done pretty well with that for twenty years but he’s like the elephant in the room. I just can’t pretend he isn’t back.”

“I know.” Sam assured her. “I don’t expect you to either. You had it right the first time; I planned this trip so you could get away and not worry about what’s going on back home. Not forever but at least long enough to get your footing back. Whatever he has planned isn’t going to happen. You’re not going to let it and you’ve got me and the rest of the team to support you.”

“I just don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me.”

Sam set his jaw and looked up toward the sky. Anything he said would just come across sounding like a platitude and she didn’t need or want that. So he settled for lightly stroking her arm while she drew shapes with her finger on his chest. They sat there in silence as the twilight faded into complete darkness. Her tracings on him grew slower and then stopped completely and Sam looked down. “You falling asleep on me already?”

She lifted her head to look up at him. “Nah, not yet. Just trying to decide if the lure of another smore is worth the effort it’ll take to move from this very comfortable position.”

Sam chuckled. “Another smore, huh? I never realized you had such a sweet tooth.”

“Only when I’ve burned as many calories as I have the last few days. I know I’ve burned off any calories I’ve consumed. Besides if I remember correctly you were the one who put the marshmallows in the basket.”

He kissed the side of her head and shifted so she was sitting in the chair alone. Before she could protest losing her comfortable pillow, he reached into the cooler and retrieved the marshmallows, a bar of chocolate, and a sleeve of graham crackers. He handed her the ingredients and then reached for the metal stick they used for roasting the marshmallows. As he handed the final piece of equipment, he gave her another kiss. “You fix your snack and I’ll hike the five miles down to the showers. Maybe when we get back, we can take a little walk in the dark and you can make sure you burn off those calories.”

She smiled at him. “Five miles? Exaggerate much? Being on the far side of the showers is a small price to pay for the privacy we get at this site. And a walk in the moonlight with you always sounds great. I love you, Sam Braddock.”

“Love you too. I’ll be back soon.” He went into the tent long enough to retrieve a clean set of clothes and his toiletries bag. Zipping up the tent once more, he grabbed a towel off the top of the tent where they spread them out to dry. As he started down the pathway to the public showers, Jules already had a marshmallow on the end of the stick and sticking it into the fire.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Sam, I don’t get it, why are you carrying one of the chairs with us on our walk? And why are we going toward the lake?” Jules persisted as they walked hand in hand down the same path they had taken the day before. 

“You’ll see. Trust me, it’ll make sense when we get there.” Sam answered cryptically. Once on the beach, she could see several other families that were currently camping at Kelso also setting up chairs in various spots along the shore. Still without an explanation, Sam led her over to a remote area and set the low slung chair up. He sat down and pulled her down with him. Once they were settled comfortably with Sam’s arms lightly around her, Jules twisted her head to look up at him.

“Okay, I’m assuming we’re here but it still doesn’t make sense to me. Sorry. Not that I mind sitting on the beach at night with you.”

Sam nuzzled her ear for a moment before whispering. “Look at the moon.”

Obediently, Jules looked up. The moon was hanging prominently over the lake, large and full and completely beautiful. It was a sight one didn’t have much opportunity to fully appreciate in the bright lights of the city. ‘Gorgeous. Okay, I approve.”

Sam’s warm chuckle tickled her ear. “It’s going to get better. While I was at the shower earlier, I heard some folks talking about a lunar eclipse that’s happening tonight. I thought it would be nice to come down here and watch it with you. Should be pretty spectacular with it being a full moon.”

Jules leaned up to kiss him. “I haven’t been able to just sit and watch a lunar eclipse in years. Too bright in the city and it’s not like I usually have the time to just sit and stare at the sky. Nice call, Sam.”

She settled back comfortably in his arms as they stared up at the sky. It wasn’t long before a shadow started creeping over the lower portion of the moon, signaling the beginning of the eclipse. Across the beach you could hear the collective ooh’s and ahh’s of the spectators gathered to watch the celestial event. 

“Can you imagine what the people thought the very first time they saw an eclipse?” Sam mused as they watched as moon slowly disappeared as the Earth passed between the moon and the sun, blocking the reflection. “They must have thought the world was going to come to an end.”

“Probably so.” Jules spoke softly as if even the sound of her voice could ruin the effect of what was taking place in the night’s sky. “The moon has a pretty powerful impact on people. Look how crazy the job gets every time there’s a full moon. I think we have more bizarre calls then than the rest of the month combined.”

Sam had to admit she had a point and once again the couple fell into a comfortable silence. They weren’t aware of how much time passed as the moon slowly disappeared from their view. The passing of the time didn’t matter as much as the fact that they were spending the time with each other. Finally the entire moon was shadowed by the Earth fully blocking it. The lake was completely dark now save for the stars that twinkled overhead. 

“Wow.” Jules breathed out. “Awesome.”

Sam tightened his hold around her body, emboldened by the darkness surrounding them. “Jules, you don’t have to answer this but it’s been bothering me since you admitted something had happened.”

He could feel her stiffen but she didn’t pull away. He took that as a positive sign that it was okay to continue. He took a deep breath and plunged on. “You are without a doubt one of the strongest people I’ve ever known -- and I include the General in that. You’ve got to know that. As strong as you are, I can see how badly this is still affecting you even after all those years. I just don’t get how at sixteen you kept this all in without telling anyone. I know you were scared of someone else getting hurt or thinking the worst but still. How did you survive what happened without talking about it to anyone, without getting help?”

Jules sighed deeply. “I don’t know. In some ways I guess you could say I didn’t really. I was a mess. Everyone just assumed it was because I witnessed Mom’s death and had to shoot her killer. Dad even had me go see a grief counselor in the first couple of months. I was so scared she’d somehow figure out what really happened that I’d go into panic attacks just at the thought. Not your run of the mill panic attacks, mind you. I would just shut down completely like I did the night of the murder. The attacks scared Dad more than anything so he ultimately gave up trying to send me. Finally, the more I pretended it never happened, the easier it became to believe it.”

It killed Sam to think about her having to go through such a trauma without anyone to support her. Since he had her willing to share some information, he continued on with what was really bothering him. “Who’s Beth and what happened to her?”

A chill ran down her spine and she shuddered despite the long sleeve t-shirt she’d donned after her shower earlier. Her dreams the night before, probably triggered by the mention of the name earlier in the day, had been filled with a different set of bad memories and she realized she must have talked in her sleep. She twisted in Sam’s arm, turning away from the view of the eclipse to bury her head in the comfort of Sam’s broad chest. She couldn’t see any reason for keeping the information from him. “She was my best friend when I was a teenager.”

Sam nodded and pressed another kiss to the top of her head. Though she’d never personally talked about it to him, he knew about her best friend’s suicide. From what he could remember from the transcript where she’d revealed the information in an attempt to convince a man not to commit suicide himself, her friend had taken her life in an attempt to deal with the pain of her own mother’s suicide. Now thinking about it, he wondered just how Jules could have dealt with so much death in her life in such a short span of time. “I’m sorry.”

Jules wrinkled her nose and turned her attention back to the eclipse. “Sorry she was my best friend?”

“No, sorry you lost your best friend. It couldn’t have been easy on top of losing your mom.”

Jules didn’t know what it was about the complete darkness and the open air that made it easier for her to talk about things she’d vowed never to discuss with anyone. “Two more deaths that were my fault.”

Sam knew it was useless to immediately assure her she couldn’t be to blame for their deaths. He didn’t think anything she could say would change his mind about that but felt she needed to voice her thoughts to help exorcise those demons that plagued her dreams. “How so?”

“Barbara, that’s Beth’s mom, was so supportive after the murder. She took me in until Dad could get home and when I couldn’t face going back in that house and remembering everything that happened, she let both Dad and I stay with her as long as we needed. She became sort of a surrogate mom. Dad would turn to her for advice on how to deal with me, especially when I sort of went off the deep end. They got closer; I don’t really know how close they got. I think she was starting to fall in love with my dad and he might have been able to fall in love with her once he fully grieved Mom’s death.” She drew in a ragged breath. “Or at least I was afraid he could.”

Sam began stroking her arms through the sleeves, having realized the gesture seemed to bring her some comfort. He knew it wasn’t easy for her to talk about her past and appreciated the fact that she was letting him in. “I take it you didn’t like the idea.”

“I was an absolute brat about it. Went out of my way to come between them any time I saw them together. Then one day I got in trouble at school; wasn’t the first time but it was bad enough the principal was suspending me. There I was sitting in the office expecting my dad to come pick me up. I figured he’d be furious with me but I was hurting so much I didn’t really care. I was surprised when it was Barbara who came to get me. I didn’t even know that Dad had made her an emergency contact.” 

The moon once more started to show itself but it would still be awhile before it once more reached it’s full bright status. Jules chewed her lip a little before continuing. “The whole ride home, Barbara tried to talk to me. Tried telling me how much I was hurting my dad with my behavior. I mostly tuned her out because she wasn’t saying anything I didn’t know. I just didn’t know any other way to deal with everything that was bottled up inside me. She pulled into the driveway and turned off her car. I was all set to get out, glad that the ride and the lecture was over. She stopped me before I could even get the door opened. Said she knew I was hurting too and asked me if I was trying to punish myself for something. Told me I could tell her anything. There was something in her voice that suggested that maybe she suspected there was something I hadn’t shared. I don’t know, maybe part of me kind of hoped someone would figure it out even though I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Her invitation to talk about it was so genuine and heartfelt, for a moment I almost did. I don’t know if I was thinking it would make me feel better or if I thought it would forever change the way she looked at me. I opened my mouth ready to tell her how mom’s death was all my fault.”

“Did you?” Sam probed gently, his voice barely over a whisper. He knew she’d had a troubled teenaged past but it was hard to picture her as a rule breaker. 

Jules shook her head, her hair tickling his chin with the movement. “No, instead I accused her of dancing on my mother’s grave trying to get into my father’s pants. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was completely horrible. The expression on her face as I spewed out such filth should have stopped me in my tracks but once I got started I couldn’t stop. When I couldn’t think of anything else to say I screamed at her to leave me and my dad alone and go take care of her own family.”

He could tell by the hitch in her voice that she was close to tears. He kept one hand stroking her arm but used the other to lift her chin so he could look into her face. “Jules, sweetheart, I’m sure she understood you didn’t mean half or even any of what you said. She knew you were lashing out in pain. Her death wasn’t your fault.”

Jules shook her head. “You don’t understand, Dad came home the next night saying Barbara was acting all weird and then the next day after that Beth came home and found her dead of an overdose. It devastated Beth. Not just the sudden loss of her mother but being the one to find her. She needed a friend but how could I be that friend when it was my fault her mother was dead in the first place? After everything Beth and her mother did for me after my mom died and in Beth’s moment of need, I let her down. I don’t think I was even surprised when my dad gave me the news she was gone as well.”

Sam thought back to the days and weeks and even months after his sister’s death. He’d only been nine but the guilt he felt went well beyond his years. No matter how many people tried to convince him he wasn’t at fault, he couldn’t shake the believe that there could have been something he could have done differently that would have saved his sister. Even after all these years, he couldn’t squelch the feeling of being responsible for keeping the women in his life, especially Natalie and Jules, safe. He could argue until he was blue in the face that she wasn’t responsible for their deaths but it wouldn’t do any good until she was ready to believe it for herself. Still, he had to try or else she might think he blamed her as well. “Jules…”

“It’s okay, Sam. I know you don’t think I’m responsible and I love you for your faith in me. And even though I know my blame in all this, believe me it means everything to know you believe the best of me.”

Sam sighed, cupping the side her head and holding it close to his chest so that she could hear his heart beating steadily beneath her ear. “Jules, I know nothing I say is going to change the way you think. I’m not that stupid or that conceited. I know your guilt isn’t based on logic but emotion. If it were logical you would know that when someone chooses suicide it’s a choice that the person makes and it’s an extreme reaction to whatever the person is going through. But in the end it’s still a choice. You went through something nobody should ever have to go through. Hell, you went through a lot of somethings that no one should go through and yet it wasn’t a choice you made. I thank God you were strong enough to not go down that path. Honestly, if you really think Barbara decided to commit suicide because of the things you said to her, then let’s put the blame where it really belongs. Johnny is the one who caused your pain and he’s the reason you were lashing out.”

Jules didn’t reply and Sam didn’t push her. Instead they once again turned their attention to the eclipse that was slowly returning the moon to its normal brightness. It would still be awhile before it was completely over but along the beach several spectators who had walked down to observe the celestial event grew tired of watching and slowly packed up their belongings and returned to their respective campsites. Pretty soon, Jules and Sam were the only ones left. Sam was pretty sure Jules was dozing in his arms. He felt when her body weight against him shifted and knew she’d drifted off. He couldn’t blame her; she hadn’t slept well the night before and they’d gone nonstop all day long. He didn’t disturb her until the last of the shadows disappeared from the edge of the moon leaving no trace of the event that had taken place. 

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” He murmured softly so as not to startle her. Jules stretched and then looked around as if trying to get her bearings. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that.”

“It’s okay; just figured you’d sleep better back at the tent.” Sam assured her. He helped her up and then folded their chair. Instead of walking up the path hand in hand as they had on the way down to the lake, Sam kept his arm firmly around her waist as he led her up the path. He was pretty sure she was still half asleep and didn’t want her to stumble on the rough patches in the path. 

Back at their site, he leaned the chair up against the tent and unzipped the tent. He led her inside and Jules climbed sleepily into the sleeping bag. Sam secured the tent and laid down beside her, pulling her comfortably into his arms. He kissed her, not sure if she was even still awake. But she snuggled down into his embrace, a slight pout on her face. 

“Might have been Johnny that caused the pain but it was my fault he had the chance. Mom would have still been alive if it hadn’t been for me.”


	18. Chapter 18

“You know what I’ve missed the most during our trip here?”

Sam rubbed his face wearily. The night before had been his night to toss and turn. Jules’s words as she fell asleep mingled with Johnny’s words from several days before about him killing Margaret Callaghan to protect Jules. All night long dreams of different scenarios haunted him. He would never for an instant believe that Jules was anything more than a helpless victim in the events that surrounded Dawson attacking her and killing her mother. Not even his dreams wavered in that aspect. But what kind of mind trip did the man play on an innocent teenager to make her believe otherwise. “I know it’s not the AC. We’ve established that we don’t need it. Long hot soaking bath?” 

“A double double from Timmies.” 

Sam laughed. “Is that all? Jules, Babe, if that’s all we can stop and pick one up on our way to Mount Nemo today. Even Milton has their fair share of Tim Hortons on every corner. Wouldn’t want you going through withdrawal there.”

Jules shook her head, putting the last of the breakfast foods back in the cooler and securing it against any woodland creatures who might want to help themselves while they were away. “Nope, we’re roughing it. I can live without one until we get back. I’m just going to enjoy every drop of it once I do.” She looked around the campsite and was satisfied that everything was put away securely. “I still can’t believe I fell asleep during the eclipse last night. I don’t even remember walking back up here.”

“Well, we’ve certainly played harder these last few days than I think we’ve ever worked in the same amount of time. We might look forward to getting back to work just to get caught up on our rest.” 

The couple met eyes and held the gaze for a split second before they shook their hands and answered at the same time. “Nah.”

They laughed. The hesitancy Sam had noticed in Jules the day before seemed to have disappeared in the night and he hoped that by her talking about the deaths of her two friends and expressing the guilt she felt in their choice to take their own lives had allowed her to once again banish those thoughts to whatever compartment she’d set up to deal with them. 

He caught her hand and drew her in close for a hug and a kiss. “Ready to head to Mount Nemo?” Conservation Halton was made up of several different parks that spread across the area offering different trails for hiking and biking as well as rock climbing. Mount Nemo, like Rattlesnake Point, was known for its rock climbing.

“Ready.” 

They made their way to the jeep, this time Jules taking the driver’s seat. As she stuck the key into the ignition, she noticed Sam checking his phone for messages. She chewed on her lip as he listened to his voicemail. She was out of the park heading toward Mount Nemo when he finally closed the phone and returned it to the glove box. She glanced his way, almost scared to ask what was on her mind.

“Everything okay?”

He could hear the worry in her voice and reached over and rubbed her shoulder before responding. “Mostly. Had a message from the General wanting to have lunch with me soon. That’s never a good thing. There was a message from Sarge but before you panic, it had nothing to do with Dawson. He was congratulating you on a job well done and reminding both of us that vacations usually mean not bringing work along.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “How did he hear about it? Even if the press carried the story, they wouldn’t have released our names or pictures.”

Sam shrugged. “Milton doesn’t apparently get too many kidnapping or hostage calls so the police chief responded the other day when the call went out. He was impressed with what he saw -- who wouldn’t be? -- and called the boss to sing your praises. I have a feeling if you really did decide to move to Kelso permanently, he’d hire you in an instant.”

“Might be worth keeping in mind.” Jules mused but they both knew she’d never willingly leave the SRU. She’d worked too hard to gain her spot in the first place and worked even harder to regain her spot after being shot. 

At the entrance to Mount Nemo, Jules showed the guard their passes and permits and then parked in the first available space. After turning off the car, she reached over and brushed her fingertips against the stubble that was becoming noticeable on Sam’s face. As a part of “roughing it,” he’d foregone the use of a razor each morning as he would have at home. She liked the rugged look on him. 

“You okay? You’ve been so supportive of all my junk and I don’t think I’ve really even considered your feelings. Lunch with the General? Something going on there?”

He trapped her hand with his own against his cheek. “Just the General being the General. I’m sure someone’s told him about this great new position that he thinks will ensure that I’ll come running back to the military. He’d slacked off on it some until I asked him about possible job openings when it looked like we might get split up at work. Now I’m right back at square one with him. I’ll call him once we get back and set up something.”

Once again Jules chewed on her lip. Sam didn’t know if she was even aware of when she was doing it but it never failed to draw his eye when she did. Sometimes, he wondered how she didn’t chew a noticeable hole it when she was really contemplating something. Finally she voiced what had her chewing on her lip like she hadn’t eaten in days. “You thinking about leaving SRU?”

Sam leaned against middle console and kissed her, running his tongue soothingly over her bottom lip in the process. When he pulled back, he made sure she was looking him in the eye. “No I’m not. Whatever job the General wants to offer he can keep. I’m not going to lunch because I’m interested in anything he has to offer. I’ll go for two main reasons and two reasons only. One, because if I don’t, I’ll have my mom calling all worried and I hate to see her upset. Two, the General always arranges these lunches at some of the best restaurants in town and always pays for them. Can’t blame a guy for not passing up on a free fancy meal, can you?”

Jules smiled and once again caressed his rough stubble. “I guess you’ll have to shave before you have lunch with him. Can’t imagine the General would like the unkempt look as much as I do.”

Sam’s grin could only be described as boyish. “You like it, huh? I’ll have to keep that in mind next time we have several days off shift. However, you know I’m going to shave it completely before we go back to work.”

Jules kissed him again. “I know. I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts. Come on, we won’t get any climbing in if we sit in the car all day.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

They spent the morning making several climbs, enjoying the scenery here even more than they had at Rattlesnake Point. As the sun neared its apex, they stored their equipment back in the jeep until they needed it for a few afternoon climbs. Knowing that Mount Nemo didn’t have the same refreshment offered, Jules had put together a simple lunch for them to bring with them. She grabbed the cooler while Sam grabbed an all purpose blanket. They carried their offerings down one of the hiking trails until they found a nice place to stop and eat. Sam spread out the blanket and then Jules laid out the food. It was peaceful and quiet; although the park was full of visitors, it was still easy to lose yourself in the solitude the park seemed to offer. 

After the sandwiches had been polished off, Sam turned to lay on his back with his head resting on Jules’s lap. He smiled up at her. “I don’t suppose I could convince you of just lying here the rest of the afternoon could I?”

Jules laughed and leaned down to kiss him. “Not a chance, not that I think you would even want to. However, after a few more climbs this afternoon, we could always head back to the campsite.” 

“Yeah? What did you have in mind to do there?” Sam asked, stroking her hair. In response, she leaned down and whispered in his ear exactly what she had in mind. Worried that he wouldn’t be able to hide the effect her words were having on him, he pulled her whispering mouth back to his and kissed her warmly. They were both breathing hard when he pulled back. “I think that would be the absolute best part of our vacation. Course you realize I’m going to need a moment or two before I’m going to be able to do any climbing, or was that your plan all along?”

Jules grinned but didn’t answer. They gathered up their things, making sure not to leave anything behind. Switching out their lunch gear for the climbing gear, they made their way back to the next rock face they planned to climb. They took their time, enjoying the challenge of finding the right hand holds until at least they pulled themselves to the top ledge. Even at the top, they didn’t immediately make their descent. Instead, their attention was captured by some of the natural wildlife that lived there. After quietly observing the animals until they could stand the silence no longer, they made their descent, once again taking it slowly, enjoying the time instead of making it a competition. It was as if they recognized that their time in this beautiful place was coming to an end and were determined to savor every moment.

Jules touched the ground first and started to unhook her gear. Her eyes were on Sam as he finished his descent. She was totally oblivious to her surroundings until a hand grasped her shoulder and a familiar voice called her name. 

“I‘ve been looking everywhere for you. I was beginning to think I‘d never find you.”


	19. Chapter 19

Jules reacted without thinking. Before the voice even registered in her mind, her leg swept out catching the newcomer in the ankles and sending him flat on his ass. She followed him down, her fist cocked back to finish him off. Her vision tunneled down to a pinprick. 

“Jules, stop. Shit, I’m sorry. JULES!”

Suddenly Sam’s hands gripped her arms and pulled her off her quarry. He stepped back a couple of steps with her recognizing she was firmly in fight mode but wasn’t fighting him at the moment. “It’s okay, Babe. It’s Spike. It’s just Spike.”

A crowd was gathering to watch and a couple of park officials were pushing past the visitors ready to lend aid. Sam shook his head, hoping they would realize that everything was fine and disperse the crowd. He alternated his attention between anxiously checking on Jules who was breathing hard and straining against his hold and to where Spike was slowly picking his way off the ground. 

“Damn, I know who I’m picking first for my team the next time we play football at the department picnic. Jules, I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have surprised you like that. I wasn’t thinking.”

Jules quit straining against Sam but looked at Spike, still breathing hard. She shook her head. “Spike? What are you doing here? How did you find us?”

Seeing that she was aware of what was going on and wouldn’t attack their friend and co-worker again, Sam released his grip on her arm and then helped Spike to rise to his feet. Scarlatti frowned. “It wasn’t easy. Sam didn’t exactly file a flight plan with the Sarge when the two of you left. Still Sarge knew you were in Milton and the only place I could think of here that would draw the two of you was Halton. Once I got here, it was trickier narrowing it down even further. We tried to use the GPS on your phone but it was turned off. I had to go to each park until I got here and saw your name on the permit list.”

Sensing that her legs were shaking so much he wasn’t sure they would hold her, Sam put his arm back around her waist and helped her to sit on the ground near their climbing gear. He looked at Spike, frowning. There was a reason he hadn’t told anyone where he’d planned to take Jules. “Okay, so that explains the how, but why Spike? What are you doing here?”

Spike knelt in front of them, his expression grim. “Sarge has been trying to call you all morning but it keeps going to your voice mail. We couldn’t be sure how long it would take you to check your phone and call in so he sent me to find you.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. He’d hoped they would be able to finish out their vacation without any incidents from Dawson. If it was bad enough that Sarge was sending someone after them, it must be worse than bad. “Johnny?”

“Damn him” Jules growled lowly. “It’s bad enough that he ruined my life twenty years ago. Does it have to keep doing so now?”

Spike reached out and touched her knee. “It’s not about your uncle, Jules. One of your brothers got in touch with Sarge this morning looking for you. Jules, there’s no easy way to tell you so I’ll just say it. Your dad’s had a pretty serious heart attack. He was rushed to the hospital last night. I don’t know his exact condition but your brother said it was pretty important for you to get there quickly.”

Jules paled and she probably would have fallen if she wasn’t already sitting down. She reached out and gripped Sam’s arm. “Dad? Oh my God. I’ve got to get to him.” She struggled to her feet, pulling Sam up with her. Then she looked at him wildly, her expression almost pleading with him to make things better. “We’ve got to break camp, pack everything up. Damn, that’s going to take time and I don’t know if we have time.”

She was as close to panic-stricken as either man had ever seen her. It scared them to see her so out of control. Sam turned her towards him and cupped her face in his hands. He wanted to be there for her, wanted to hold her as she faced whatever waited for her at the hospital her father had been transported to. But he knew how to solve part of her dilemma for her. “Jules, calm down, Sweetheart. Don’t worry about the camp. Go with Spike. He’ll get you to the hospital and I’ll stay behind and pack everything up. I’ll get there as soon as I can.” 

He looked over at Spike, begging his friend with his eyes to take care of her. Spike nodded. He thought about offering to pack up their stuff for them and allow them to go together. However, he knew the camping permits were in their names and it would only cause trouble if he tried to check out of the park for them. “Come on, Jules. I’ll get you there as quick as humanly possible, faster if I can. You can even call your brother on the way for an update. Maybe there’s been a change for the better since I left the station.”

Sam surrendered Jules into Spike’s waiting arms. “I promise you, Jules, I’ll be right behind you. I won’t even take the stuff home before I meet you at the hospital.”

Jules nodded mutely and Sam couldn’t help but wonder if he was getting a glimpse of how she reacted to the news of her mom’s death. He shook his head. Jack Callaghan wasn’t dead, just sick; he had to hold on the belief the man who had fathered the woman he loved was strong enough to survive this. Before Spike lead Jules away, he gave Sam the name of the hospital and promised to call Sam as soon as they got there with an update.

Sam watched as they left, frowning. It went against every grain of fiber in him to let Spike lead her away from him. He should be there with her every step of the way. He had half a mind to say to hell with the their climbing gear and their camping stuff back at Kelso and chase Spike down. But he knew once he was with Jules at the hospital, she would need him by her side for the duration and there was no way of guaranteeing how long that would take. 

His jaw set, he gathered up their climbing gear and stuffed it in the bag. He didn’t care if it would take forever and a day to sort it out properly later. The quicker he could get things packed up, the quicker he could join Jules.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Once in his car, Spike made sure Jules was buckled in since it didn’t seem like she was aware enough of her surroundings to do it for herself. It scared him to see her so frightened. In all the time he’d known her, he couldn’t remember anything fazing her like this. Sure, he’d seen practically every other emotion in her over the years: happiness, pain, anger, grief, but never fear. He didn’t think she knew the meaning of the word. But there was no mistaking the fear that rolled off her in waves as she huddled in the passenger seat. He pulled out of the park and reached for his cell phone. He dialed Greg’s cell phone. The older man answered within two rings. 

“Bout damn time. Did you find them?”

“Yeah, Jules is with me now. I’m going to take her straight to the hospital. Sam’s going to follow as soon as he gets their stuff together.”

“How is she?”

“Pretty shaken up. I think it would help if she knew how her dad was doing. Think you could get her brother to call my cell?” 

“Copy that. Let me speak to her first.” 

Spike handed the phone over to Jules. She stared at it dumbly for a second before taking it from him. Her hello was barely audible and then she grew silent as she listened to what Sarge had to say. Spike didn’t know what Greg was saying to her but at least it seemed to be drawing her out the fugue she’d retreated into when she heard the news of her father’s illness. Two large tears made tracks down her cheeks and she drew in a shaky breath. After listening for a moment, she closed the phone but held on to it. She leaned her head against the window and stared out the windshield. 

“My dad is in the cardiac ICU. This can’t be real. All my life, my dad has been the picture of perfect health. I can’t remember even seeing him with a cold my whole life.”

Spike turned his blinker on and waited until it was safe to change lanes. Then he glanced back at her. He was glad to hear her talking. He could handle a talking Jules much easier than the shell of a person he’d lead to his car. “Sounds like someone else I know. Injuries aside, I can’t remember you ever being sick. Not even two winters ago when everyone else was hit with that flu epidemic. Some of us worked despite being sick just because we just didn’t have a choice; there was no one else available to come shifts. There you wee though, perfectly well and perky as hell. I shouldn’t admit this but I so wanted to sneeze on you just with the hope of you catching the flu.”

He’d hoped to at least get the barest hint of a smile out of her but was rewarded with nothing. He frowned. “Maybe the ICU is just a precaution. You know how doctors can be.”

Jules shook her head. “I’ve got a bad feeling. I should have been there. I‘m sorry I knocked you down back there.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I should have known better than to surprise you like.“ Before Spike could offer any further reassurances, his cell phone rang again. 

Jules took in a shaky breath and flipped it open. “Hello?” She pinched the bridge of her nose as she listened. “How is he? What’s the doctor saying?” 

He could feel the tension growing once more in her and increased his speed just a little, anything that would get her where she wanted and needed to be even faster. He knew what she was going through; knew what it was like to face a serious illness in one of your parents. He’d had time to prepare himself for his father’s death but no amount of time really helped when the call came that you were needed because a condition was dire. He hoped Jules’s father would be okay. 

She sniffled beside him. “Damn it James, don’t you think I realize that? I’m on my way now and I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just…” Spike sneaked another glance her way to see her squeezing her eyes shut against the tears. He wanted to reach over and touch her, offer her some sort of support. But he held back. She was barely holding it together and the slightest movement on his part could cause her to lose control completely. His heart was breaking for her especially as she continued. “If you get in to see him before I get there, just tell him I love him and I’m coming.”

She didn’t say the words but he could hear what she wasn’t saying and hoped her brother knew it as well. She was begging her brother to convince her father to hold on until she could get there. She closed the phone and handed it back to Spike. She took a deep breath. “He collapsed yesterday around five. He was at his favorite diner and he just collapsed. James said the paramedics had to shock him on scene. By the time James got the call and reached the hospital they’d had to shock Dad three more times but at least they got him back. It’s been touch and go since then and the doctors don’t know how severe the attack was because he’s not strong enough for them to do a catheterization.”

She buried her head in her hands and took several deep breaths. “Sam and I went down to the lake last night to watch the eclipse. It was so freakin’ beautiful and my dad is lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. James called my cell all night long trying to reach me. Damn it. I should have taken my cell phone as well. If I had, I would have least gotten his messages this morning.”

“Hey, you couldn’t have known something like this would happen. You couldn’t have suspected that your dad would get sick. I‘m not going to sit here and let you beat yourself up for something you couldn‘t have changed. Can’t let you do that any more than you could let me when my dad died.”

His guilt after his father’s death had been so great he hadn’t been sure if he could even show up for the funeral. Jules had stopped by his house early the morning the service was scheduled. She’d given him the kick in the butt he’d needed to get through not only the funeral but the days that followed. If she needed a return of the favor now, he was more than willing to give it. 

Jules sat back and wiped at her eyes with the crook of her arm. She blew out her breath forcibly. “Yeah, well James didn’t have a problem with it. He made it pretty clear what he thought about the fact that I was unreachable all this time. I can’t blame him. He’s the oldest and all this falls on his shoulders.”

“Your other brothers there?” 

Jules shrugged. “James and Peter have been there all night. Ridge was just getting there and Mark’s on his way. Still they at least have a good excuse. Mark’s not even in the country and Ridge still lives in the Hat. James was at least able to get in touch with them last night.”

Spike’s phone rang again and he glanced at the caller ID before handing the phone to her. “Sam. I imagine he’s pretty freaked out worrying about you. Talk as long as you need to. I got call waiting if they need to reach you from the hospital.”

He had a feeling that Sam might be the only one who stood a chance of getting through to her.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
The ride back into Toronto seemed to take forever. When Spike finally pulled up in front of the hospital entrance, Jules ended her conversation with Sam and practically jumped out of the car before he’d even properly stopped. Vaguely she heard him say he’d be up as soon as he parked but then she took off. She’d been in this hospital often enough over the years to know the general location of the ICU. 

She took the stairs two at a time up to the fifth floor. As soon as she stepped out of the stairwell and turned toward the ICU waiting room, she could see Peter leaning against the wall, his hands thrust deep in his pockets. She drew up short, unable to read his expression. “Pete?”

He looked relieved to see her. He pulled his hands from his pockets and held his arms open for a hug. “Come here, Squirt.”

Jules flew into his arms which then wrapped around her in a warm embrace. She could feel his heart hammering beneath her ear and that scared her. She pulled back. “How is he?”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Jules. The doctors are doing everything they can but it’s all wait and see at this point. I just don’t know. They’ve let us in to see him a few times now and I’ve never seen Dad look so fragile.”

“Is he conscious?” Jules tried to get her emotions under control. 

“In and out. Mostly out.” Peter answered.

“Except the times he’s been awake he’s been asking for you. Kind of hard to explain why you aren’t here.” James’s voice behind her was bitter and Jules stiffened.

“James, that doesn’t help.” Peter warned. 

“Since when have we ever coddled Jules? I’m going downstairs for a moment. I need some air. Call me if there’s any word. I can be reached on my cell.”

After James stormed off, Peter once again hugged her tightly. “Don’t mind him, Squirt. He’s just worried and tired, not his best combination. How about you? You okay? Your boss said you were out of town. You didn’t drive back yourself did you? Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

Jules wiggled out of his embrace and leaned against the wall next to him, leaning her head against the glass window behind her. “No, I didn’t drive. Sam and I were camping at Halton and his cell was in the jeep. The co-worker my boss sent to find us drove me back while Sam took care of packing up our gear. Where’s Ridge?”

“Crashed out in the waiting room. He drove all night and was just wiped after he got here. They let him see Dad for a few minutes after he got here and then he half laid down on one of the couches in the waiting room and hasn’t moved since.”

Jules nodded. Of course Ridge drove all night because they’d been able to get in touch with him when they needed to. “Did you fuss at him for driving?”

Peter smiled; recognizing the almost belligerent tone in her voice. It was the same one she’d always used whenever she felt like she was being treated differently from one of the brothers. “As a matter of fact I did. So you didn’t answer my question. Are you okay? Okay-okay, not Jules-okay?”

Now Jules couldn’t help but smile a little. Apparently she couldn’t fool her brother any more than she could her teammates. “Wait and see I guess. Think they’ll let me see Dad for a few minutes even if it’s not visiting hours?”

He dropped his arm around her shoulders and tugged her forward. “Let’s go see.” 

The volunteer at the desk, after hearing the situation, called back to the nurse’s desk and secured permission for Jules to see her father for a few minutes. Her legs felt almost wooden as she made her way down the corridor toward the units. A nurse directed her toward the small cubicle that held her father. She paused in the doorway and drew in a shaky breath. 

Like Peter had said, fragile was the best word to describe Jack Callaghan. In her eyes, her father had always seemed like a giant of a man, capable of doing anything but for the first in her life, he looked almost dwarfed by the equipment. An oxygen mask covered his nose and mouth but she’d rather see that than a breathing tube that would indicate he was incapable of breathing on his own. Various wires ran from different areas of his body to the different machines surrounding his bed. She didn’t understand what all the squiggly lines meant but she at least knew that they meant he was, for the moment, still alive.

Jules took a couple of stumbling steps toward him and sank into the chair sitting next to his bed. She reached out and took his hand in both of her own and gave it a slight squeeze. “Dad, can you hear me? I’m here. I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I should have called you before Sam and I left and given you his number. I guess it wouldn’t have helped James in getting in touch with me but I still should have called you.”

He didn’t move. She glanced up at the monitors trying to get some feel for what the machines had to say but it meant nothing. The tears made silent tracks down her face but she didn’t try to wipe them away. Didn’t want to release her father’s hand to do so. “Please, Daddy, you’ve got to keep fighting. I know I don’t always show it but I need you. I’ve always needed you. I’m so sorry for all the hell I put you through after Mom died. I know I probably caused more of your gray hairs than the boys put together. Just please, Daddy, be okay and I promise I’ll be a better daughter. I’ll make up for all those times I let you down. Just please be okay now.”

The monitors started beeping and Jules looked up in horror. A nurse came rushing into the room checking on Jack Callaghan. Jules released her father’s hand and backed out of the chair toward the door not wanting to get in the way of the nurse’s efforts to take care of her father. She wiped at her face with shaky hands. She wanted to ask how he was but was afraid. Afraid to hear the news and afraid to draw attention to her presence lest she be kicked out. 

Despite her efforts to go unnoticed the nurse looked over at him after a couple of minutes. “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave for now. I’ll call the waiting room with an update after we get him stabilized.”

Jules didn’t want to leave, afraid that if she walked out of the room, she’d never see her father alive again. Her feet felt rooted to the ground as her father suddenly turned his head and opened his eyes looking at her. He lifted his hand ever so slightly crooking his finger back and forth motioning her toward him. The nurse saw the movement and nodded, giving Jules permission to not only stay but to come back to her father’s side. 

Her legs were shaking more than ever as she took the faltering steps back to her father’s side. “Daddy?”

She could see his lips moving beneath the oxygen mask and knew he was trying to say something. Not wanting to move the mask, she leaned her head down so her ear was as close to his mouth as she could get it. Still, it was difficult to make out his words at first. Her heart skipped a beat as she made out a few of his words.

“Johnny … called….told….happened…..night….Mom…” Jules let out a strangled sob at his words but her father had one more word and there was no mistaking the question mark at the end. “True?”


	20. Chapter 20

Sam stepped off the elevator and turned toward the waiting room. It had seemed to take forever for him to break down camp and pack everything into the jeep. He was probably more than a little short with the park official who had to do the check out process. He would have to send an apology later. Once on the road, things seemed to speed up until he got the call from Spike fifteen minutes ago. Then, it seemed like everything was conspiring to keep him from the woman he loved.

Spike was standing outside the waiting room door and nodded when he saw Sam approaching. He looked worried and that scared Sam even more. Spike was usually so carefree that when he did show concern, you knew it was serious. “Spike, how is she?”

Spike let out a long breath. “Sam, I’ve never seen her like this. I thought Angry Jules was scary but this, this is beyond scary. She’s there but she’s not there, you know? Her brothers are with her and trying to get her to respond to them. They said they’ve seen it before but I can tell they’re worried as well.”

A cold chill ran down Sam’s spine as he frowned. He knew he should have left their stuff behind and came with Jules to the hospital. “What happened? Did her dad take a turn for the worse?”

Shaking his head, Spike explained what he knew. “She went in to see her dad. His nurse said his vitals went crazy all of a sudden and she tried to get Jules to leave. Mr. Callaghan woke up and motioned for Jules to come closer. She did and the nurse said he said something to Jules but couldn’t hear what it was. Whatever it was had a big effect on Jules. The nurse said Jules went as white as the walls in this place, backed up to the corner of the room and sank to the floor. She wouldn’t move or react at all. The nurse called the waiting room, her brother Peter went in and carried her out. I suggested we take her down to the ER but her brothers said she’d be okay.”

“Panic attack Jules style.” Sam explained. “I’ve never really seen it myself but I’ve heard a little about it. I need to see her.” 

Spike nodded. “Okay if I stick around? I don’t want to intrude but I’m worried.” 

Sam smiled slightly. “I don’t think Jules would want it any other way.” He opened the door to the waiting room and stepped inside. 

The Callaghan clan wasn’t the only family sitting around waiting for news of the fate of loved one but he was able to easily pick the Callaghans out even without first catching sight of Jules. Peter, the one brother he’d met before briefly, was standing in front of a couch. A slightly older man who closely resembled him was standing next to him, his expression grim. Peter glanced back and recognizing Sam took a step to the side so that he could see Jules seated on the couch, another brother sitting beside her rubbing her back briskly. Jules was rocking slightly on the couch, her eyes open but not set on any one object in particular. 

“Jules?” He took a step closer to her but the brother he didn’t know that was standing turned to block his path.

“Who are you?”

Peter reached a hand out to his brother’s arm. “Relax James. This is Sam Braddock. He works with our sis here among other things.”

James frowned, obviously not impressed by the introduction. “You make it a habit of taking girls off to the woods where no one can reach you?”

Sam took an instant dislike to Jules’s oldest brother. He tried to remind himself that the guy was worried about his father and now his sister and deserved a little slack but only very little. “Only when she’s at her wits end being harassed by the guy who killed your mother.”

James frowned. “Johnny? That bastard’s rotting in jail. He shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air we breathe let alone harass anyone.” 

Sam was glad to see there was at least one thing they could agree on. 

“He was released from jail a few days ago.” Peter explained. “Dad didn’t want to tell you because he was afraid of what you might try. Harassing her how, Sam?”

The last thing Sam wanted to do was stand there discussing Johnny Dawson when what he really wanted to do was take Jules in his arms and make sure he was okay. But he could recognize the over protectiveness in her brothers and knew he’d have to earn his way past them to get to Jules. He couldn’t help but wonder if Spike had felt this way with dating Natalie. He owed his friend an apology if so. He added Spike to the growing mental list of people to apologize to later. 

“Phone calls mostly, hang ups. He got a job in our building and slashed one of her tires. Nothing overt that we can bust him for but it was weighing on her and I figured she needed a getaway. Trust me, if I had thought for an instant that something like this would happen, I would have done things differently. Is she okay?”

He took a step closer, his patience wearing thin. James didn’t move but Peter stepped further out of his way so that he could sit beside her on the couch. The brother that was sitting on the other side -- Sam wished he could think of his name -- answered the question. 

“This attack is pretty bad. When she gets like this, Dad’s usually the only one who can breath through to her.”

“Jules, Sweetheart?” Sam pulled her close to his chest, kissing the side of her head hoping that the sound of his heart beating rapidly against her ear would show her just how worried he really was. Automatically, his fingertips started their soothing caress of her arm. “I’m here and I’m not going to let you go. Whatever happened, whatever upset you, you are so much stronger than it. Just come back to me.”

There was no response but Sam wasn’t about to be deterred. He just had to get inside her head and figure out what might have triggered this panic attack and how to convince her it was okay. During their trip, he’d finally gotten her to start opening up about what Johnny had done to her. He still didn’t know any details but getting to admit that something had occurred had been huge on her part, especially considering Dawson had convinced a traumatized sixteen year old that revealing that information would result in someone getting hurt. But now, just days after she’d confided even a portion of her trauma in him, she gets word that her father is fighting for his life. That kind of guilt wouldn’t be rational but then none of the guilt that she was experiencing about what happened was rational. 

Whether she was blaming herself or not, trying to assure her it wasn’t her fault would be futile. He took a deep breath. What he was about to try might get him punched by one or more of her brothers but it was the only way he could think of to jar Jules back to reality. 

“Fine, you want to stay locked in your own private hell, who are we to stop you? I gotta say I’m disappointed though. Strong, tough Constable Jules Callaghan chickening out of dealing with a situation just because it gets too much for you to handle. What, you so scared that someone might think you are weak if show a little emotion that you just check out completely? I expected better from you. Your dad deserves better. He’s in there fighting for his life and you are out here feeling sorry for yourself. That’s just great.”

He could see both Peter and James stiffen and prepared himself for one or both of them to hit him. Instead the third brother gave him a wink of understanding and stood. “Come on guys, sounds like he knows Jules pretty well. Give him a chance.”

As the youngest brother led the other two a few steps away, Sam sighed in relief. Suddenly the dam burst and Jules began to sob in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, feeling like a heel. He’d rather have all three brothers beat him senseless than to hear the woman he loved sound so heartbroken. Tears pricked his own eyes. “Aw Jules, I’m sorry Sweetheart. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

“My fault. All my fault.” Jules choked out between sobs. 

Sam had only wanted to snap her back to reality not send her in such a tailspin of emotion. “No, Jules, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Calm down, Sweetheart. Breathe. Just breathe.” 

James started back to her; Peter tried to grab his arm but the older brother shook it free. He knelt in front of the baby of the family and squeezed her knee. “Don’t Squirt. Don’t beat yourself up like this. It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry I was such an asshole earlier. I didn’t mean it. You know me, I don’t think half the time before I go shooting off my mouth. I’m just scared.”

Jules continued to cling to Sam but slowly her sobs slowed to just tears. Sam wished he had a handkerchief to offer her but hadn’t bothered to pack any for the trip. Instead, he reached beside him on the small table next to the couch and pulled out several tissues from the box sitting there. He used a couple to swipe at her face and then pressed the rest in her hand so she could blow her nose. She hiccupped slightly. 

“Better?” Sam probed gently. 

She shook her head then shrugged. Her father’s mumbled words bounced around in her head like an accusation. Johnny had called him? What had he told him? Even if it was the exact truth it would be bad enough but she knew from painful experience was a manipulator Johnny could be. 

“You don’t need to go in there.” Spike’s agitated voice filtered through the door. Sam looked up sharply wondering who his friend was trying to keep out. The door opened and Johnny Dawson stepped in. 

Instantly it was as if the temperature dropped a good ten degrees in the room. For a moment Sam was oddly reminded of the old westerns he used to watch with his grandfather. If this was one of those old movies, the other families in the room would have fled the room, instinctively knowing things were about to get dangerous. But this wasn’t a western and the oblivious families didn’t move. But James did.

He stood and was about to launch himself at the newcomer but both the other brothers grabbed his arms before he could. He strained against them, the veins in his neck popping out in his neck. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?”

“Heard Jack was in pretty bad shape.” Johnny answered glibly. “Wanted to make sure he was okay. I still consider all of you family, you know.”

Peter narrowed his eyes. “You quit being family the day you killed our mama. Get out of here, Johnny before we let James do what he wants to you. Hell, I might even help him.”

The murderer had the audacity to look surprised and hurt. “Peter, is that any way to talk to your best friend? Come on, can’t we let bygones be bygones? I’m worried about Jack, just like you are.”

Sam could barely follow the drama in the room; his concern was more for Jules who was now trembling in his arms. Her short fingernails were digging into his arm and he was pretty sure he’d have indentions there when she finally let go. “Jules?”

Peter’s voice rose. “Oh, sorry Johnny; I guess I missed that chapter in the Best Friend Handbook. Was that in the chapter ‘What To Do When You Discover Your Best Friend’s a Homicidal Psychopath‘? You make me sick. How dare you come here acting like you never did anything wrong?”

Johnny’s smile was as oily as the rest of his demeanor. “I’m hurt Peter. I expected better from you. Little JAC’s glad to see me though, aren’t you? You okay over there? Haven’t had a chance to see you since they changed my schedule. They got me working nights now thanks to your boss. How’s your daddy? Can’t believe he’d have a heart attack like that. He always seemed so strong and healthy.”

“Bastard.” Jules shot off the couch before Sam realized she was gone. She also barreled past her brothers before they could stop her. She threw herself against Johnny, pushing him back against the wall of the waiting room. Spike’s eyes widened at watching her but he didn’t step in, possibly because he was afraid he‘d be the one to end up on the ground. “Dad told me you called him. Your lies are probably what put him here in the first place. Haven’t you taken enough from me? Damn you.”

Just like the day in the stairwell, Johnny didn’t fight against her hold. If anything he pressed up against her, making sure there was no space between them. He lowered his head close to her ear. “Taken enough from you? I can think of a few more things I’d love to take from you JAC. Things I’d like to finish with you as well. Things that would make you forget all about Golden Boy over there.”

Taken aback by his words, Jules released him and took several steps back, her skin crawling. Strong hands lightly touched her arms and she would have jumped if her body wasn’t so in tune with those familiar hands to recognize the safety of Sam‘s touch. 

“This is a hospital, not a free-for-all.” A man with one of the families insisted from one corner. “If you’re going to fight, take it outside.”

James turned to him ready to tell him what he could do with his advice but Peter stopped him. Johnny however shrugged. “It’s okay. I see where I’m not wanted. I hope Jack gets better. I really do. See you around, Little JAC.”

He swept past Spike who glared at him. Johnny was whistling as he made his way to the elevator. Sam rubbed Jules’s arm. “You okay, Babe?”

She shook her head and started to follow Johnny out of the waiting room. She paused for just a moment when she reached Spike’s side. “Don’t let them follow me, please.”

Spike nodded. As she continued, Sam followed her anyway. Spike didn’t stop him, choosing instead to interpret her them to mean her brothers not Sam. She’d have to forgive him if she was being all inclusive because there was no way in hell he was going to let her follow that psychopath completely alone. 

Jules caught up with Johnny at the elevator. Anger coursing through her had replaced any of the fear and guilt she’d been feeling before his arrival. “What did you tell him, Johnny? Answer me that, you Bastard.”

He leaned against the wall next to the elevator and smiled at her. “The truth, Little JAC. Just the truth.”

“The real truth or your twisted version of it?”

“Worried I told him how close the two of us were?” He nodded toward Sam who had stopped far enough away not to be intrusive but close enough to step in if needed. “Does he know about us? Does he know who taught you how to please him in bed?”

“Screw you, Johnny…”

“Love to, Little Girl. Tell me when and where.”

Sam took a step forward, his eyes narrowed and his hands balled into fists. He couldn’t help but remember what Greg had said about the pills Johnny had been taking in jail. He had to have gone off the meds; there was no trace of the cool, calculating manipulator Sam had seen before. It was like he wasn’t even trying to be cryptic anymore. 

“What did you tell him?” Jules insisted. 

Johnny pushed off the wall and took a step or two closer to the young woman. Jules wanted to take a step back for everyone he made closer to her but she held her ground, refusing to cower in front of him. “What’s the matter JAC? Afraid Daddy will realize that his sweet little angel isn’t so innocent? I told him how my lush of a sister was treating you. She really was a mean drunk wasn’t she, JAC. How many times did she hit you when she was too drunk to hardly stand?”

Sam closed his eyes. His heart was breaking for Jules. How much more could she take? 

“I told him how you begged me to come stay with the two of you when he had to go out of town. Begged me not to leave you alone with her.” Johnny continued to close the gap between them until he was close enough to reach out and lightly caress her cheek. 

Sam could see that it was taking everything in her not to flinch and step away. He took a step closer. If he had to beat the man’s head in, he would to get him to take his filthy hands off her. His stomach twisted as Johnny used his other hand to reach back and release the holder that kept her hair pulled back into a ponytail. As her brown hair cascaded over his fingers he leaned in as if he were going to kiss her but instead he whispered in her ear. 

The elevator door slid open with a ding. Johnny pulled back and was once more whistling as he entered the elevator. Before the door closed, he looked over at Sam and gave a little wave. Jules continued to stand there, shaking as Sam approached and gently took her in his arms. He was worried that whatever Johnny had said to her was going to send her right back into that dark place she’d been in when Sam first arrived. Instead, she struggled in his arms. 

Even though the rejection hurt, he released her immediately, not wanting to cause her any more pain. She looked around wildly. “I’m going to be sick.”

She spied the public bathroom and took off running for it. Sam followed, stopping short of going into the women’s restroom with her. Instead he leaned against the door listening to the sounds of Jules vomiting inside. Whatever Johnny had told her must have upset her badly. 

Inside the bathroom, Jules knelt in front of the toilet as her stomach expelled it’s contents and then continued to heave. When there was absolutely nothing left to throw up, she leaned her head against the cool metal of the stall wall. Her skin tingled as if bugs were crawling over her and she wished she could step into a shower and scrub away the feel of him. Memories of what he did to her always left her feeling this way but his actual touch took her straight back to that night. 

There was a knock on the door and Sam’s gentle voice filtered through the wood. “Jules, sweetheart, can I come in? I promise I won’t come too close; I’ll stay by the door. I just gotta know you’re okay.”

“’K.” She didn’t have the energy to argue with him or to even make a full word. 

The door opened and Sam slipped inside. He closed the door behind him and discretely locked the door. He didn’t want her to feel trapped but didn’t want someone coming in on them. She looked so broken sprawled on the floor in front of the toilet. 

“What if my dad dies, Sam?” Her voice sounded dull, defeated.

Sam sighed and knelt down, still staying by the door as he promised. “Jules. You can’t think like that. Didn’t you once tell me everyone used to tell you how much you took after your dad? Well, if that’s true, he must be tough cause I’ve already told you I think you’re so strong yourself. You’re SuperJules so he’s got be alright if he could give you that sort of strength.”

Jules sniffled and shook her head. “I don’t feel that strong. Johnny makes me feel like I’m still that helpless little girl I was back then. Sweet sixteen and never been kissed. That was me. Everything I knew about sex either came from trashy novels we’d sneak to sleepovers to read or from brag sessions girls who didn’t have cop fathers or overprotective brothers could share of their firsthand experiences.” 

Sam leaned against the door, his eyes never leaving her. He had wanted her to open up to him, knew she needed to tell her story to someone after so long. But he didn’t want it to be like this. He’d give anything to be able to scoop her up in his arms and take her back to the protection the darkness at Kelso seemed to offer her. “Jules…”

She laughed but it was a dry, hollow sound that lacked humor. “I’d never seen a guy’s penis before. Well, that’s not true, I’d seen pictures in the bathroom of the doctor’s office on diagrams of how to do a urine sample but not in real life. You’d think with a father and four brothers there would have been an accidental sighting or two but we were all careful about that. I think it might have been one of the reasons Dad put in my own bathroom in my bedroom.”

“Jules…” Sam tried once again to break through her reverie. It was killing him to listen to her, knowing it was whatever Johnny had said to her that was forcing her to reveal her dark secrets not a real want. 

“I was so naïve, Sam. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I was a kid and he took that from me. The things he did to me, the things he forced me to do to him; no kid should have to go through that. It wasn’t what I wanted.” Once again she turned to the toilet as inexplicably her stomach found something else inside to once more to rid itself of. 

Forgetting his promise to stay back, Sam scooted forward and pulled her hair back, holding it out of the way as she vomited. Once the urge to regurgitate passed, she slumped against the wall of the stall, breathing hard. Sam went to the sink and wet several paper towels with cold water and handed them to her. She wiped first her mouth and then pressed the cool wet paper to her face. Before Sam could decide if he should stay where he was or move back to the door to give her space, she shuffled on the floor to use him as a prop instead of the wall. 

Slowly, so as not to spook her, he closed his arms around her, encapsulating her in his embrace. He lowered his head and brushed his lips through her hair. “You’re right Jules. No kid should go through what he made you go through. But Sweetheart, you aren’t that helpless kid anymore. You are that strong person I see every day and your father is strong as well.”

Jules shook her head. “The things Johnny told him; it’s what caused Dad’s heart attack in the first place. If he dies, he’s going to die believing what Johnny said. He’ll die thinking I willingly gave my body to Johnny, that I wanted him to do those things to me.”

Sam remembered the other night when she finally started opening up to him. One of the things she’d told him was that Johnny had convinced her at sixteen that if she told anyone they would think the worst of her. Apparently twenty years later, that fear was still strong in her. “I can’t see your dad ever believing Johnny’s lies. You’ll see. Your dad will recover and you’ll finally tell him what really happened.”

She could still remember her dad struggling to form his words in ICU. The last word he’d mumbled before falling back into unconsciousness was the word true. He might not be completely convinced of what he’d been told but he wasn’t dismissing it outright either. 

She shuddered hard in Sam’s arms as her ear felt hot with Johnny’s breath. His words cutting her soul like the sharpest knife. She pulled away from Sam to hang over the toilet once again as her stomach heaved, too empty to do anything else.

_I told him how you invited me into your bedroom the night before I killed Margaret. Told him how you cried about how your mother had hit you and threatened to do worse. Told him how you slowly started to undress in front of me. How you led me to your bed and invited me to make a woman out of you. How you promised me all of you in any way I wanted you so long as I killed your mother in return. He was horrified to know his sweet little girl seduced me as payment for murder._


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, finally got the other chapters posted here so this is the first chapter that I'm posting for the first time both here and at fanfiction.net.

_Knock. Knock._

“Guys, I hate to interrupt.” Spike’s voice came through the door, sounding tentative and unsure.

Sam frowned as he guided Jules back against his chest when it was obvious she didn’t have anything left in her to throw up. He wanted to scream back at his friend the words that automatically came to mind but knew it would be rude to say “then don‘t.” Besides he trusted Spike’s judgment; if he was finding it necessary to intrude, there must be a good reason. He sighed. “What is it, Spike?”

“A doctor just came in the waiting room for Jules’s family. Figured she’d want to be there.”

Jules used Sam’s shoulder and the toilet paper holder to hold to as she pushed herself to a standing position. Her legs were shaky but they seemed to support her weight. She didn’t move toward the door but seemed to be waiting. Sam realized she was waiting for him to join her. He stood, wrapping his arm around her waist as he led her to the door. He kissed the side of her head. “The doctor coming in doesn’t mean bad news, Jules. He could be just giving an update.”

She nodded as she reached out to unlock the door with a shaky hand. “Yeah, sure, of course. After all everything else has been going so freaking happily-ever-after perfect.”

Spike stepped back as the door opened and the two emerged. He didn’t say anything about the two of them being in the bathroom together. He’d seen enough from his self-imposed post outside the waiting room to know Jules was barely holding it together. Now as Jules drew even with him, he reached out and tapped her arm, stopping her. She barely glanced at him.

“Jules, you know I’ve been in and out of these places with my dad and I got pretty good at reading doctors. He didn’t have a doom-and-gloom look about him. I don’t think it’s bad news.”

Sam could have hugged Spike right there and then. Jules did. Spike held her for a split second and Sam released that their friend was hoping to offer as much comfort as he could. As Spike released Jules so they could go to the waiting room, Sam slapped Spike’s back in a gesture to say thanks. Spike nodded. Spike had just reinforced what Sam had said but at least Jules seemed more accepting of it coming from someone who’d been in a similar spot.

The waiting room door was opening as they reached it and the three Callaghan brothers stepped out behind a doctor in a white coat. Jules stopped, looking at them in wild panic. Ridge reached out and tweaked her nose. “Doc’s taking us to the consultation room. He just wants to fill us in on what he plans to do for Dad.”

Sam allowed Ridge to lead her down the hall. He wanted to go with her, to be there to support her if the news was bad. However, this was a family matter and he wasn’t family. He knew her brothers, even James who had seemed so negative at first, would take care of her and he’d be there for her when the doctor was through. After the four Callaghans disappeared around the corner, Sam turned to Spike. 

“I hated that asshole from the moment I knew what he did to Jules’s mom. Now, I want the bastard dead for what he’s done and is still doing to her.”

“Copy that.” Spike agreed. Without him going into any details, Spike was suddenly sure Sam had gotten confirmation of his earlier suspicions. He didn’t press for more; he didn’t need to know unless Jules herself wanted him to. It was painful enough to see her unravel the way she was without knowing the full story. “I can’t believe the guy had the balls to just show up here like he did. He’s a real piece of work. Assuming we’re still the good guys here and won’t actually resort to murder even if he does deserve it, what’s our move?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know. He’s cocky but he’s careful. As offensive as we may think his actions have been, he hasn’t broken any laws that we can prove. I’ll be damned if I let him get near Jules again. She’s tough but nobody can withstand that much emotional upheaval intact.”

Spike nodded. “I’ll go down and talk to hospital security. Borrow one of their computers and get a photo of Dawson. He doesn’t have blood relation in the hospital so we should be able to ban him if not from the whole hospital then at least this floor. Then I’ll call the boss and fill him in on what’s going on; I know Dawson’s not really done anything to warrant one, but maybe Sarge can pull some favors and get a restraining order or something. I know someone like Dawson’s not going to let a court order stop him but at least it’ll give us grounds to arrest his sorry ass if he violates it.”

Sam nodded, glad that Spike at least was able to think clearly. “Yeah, sounds great.”

Spike knew that Sam’s main focus at that moment was watching the hallway where Jules had disappeared. Jules might be the emotional mess but Sam wasn’t far behind her as he worried about her. Spike frowned. “She’s gonna be okay, Sam. She might be a mess right now but she’s Jules. As soon as she knows her father is gonna be alright, she’ll bounce back.”

Sam frowned. Despite his reassurances to Jules that her father would recover, he couldn’t help but fear the worst. “And if he’s not okay? If he doesn’t survive?”

Spike shrugged, “Then you’ll be there for her and there’s no one I’d trust to take care of her through this than you. You’ll take care of Jules and the rest of us will be there for you both. That’s the way it works. Just like you were all there for me. You okay here until she gets back? I can wait about heading down to security.”

Sam shook his head. “No, your idea is solid and we shouldn’t wait. I’ll be fine.” 

Spike nodded and walked off to the elevators. Sam leaned against the wall wearily. He knew he could go inside the waiting room and sink into one of the chairs until Jules returned but couldn’t bring himself to leave the corridor. He wanted to be where he could get to her in a heartbeat if needed. 

As he waited his mind went back to the information Jules poured out to him in the bathroom. He wondered just what Dawson had whispered to her in that last exchange. Whatever it was had had a profound effect on her and only served to prove what a complete bastard the man truly was. Suddenly his mind drifted back to the threat/warning Dawson had given him that day when Sam had shown up at Kennington House to confront the man about Jules’s tire. 

_My niece isn’t as innocent as she wants people to think. Everything I did twenty years ago was for her, to protect her. If she doesn’t want to be grateful for all I did for her, for the way I saved her, then maybe I should let the truth come out._

Now it was Sam’s stomach doing flip flops. He hadn’t believed Dawson’s insinuation that Jules had played a part in her mother’s death then and he still didn’t. But had the bastard carried out this threat to start sharing his demented twisted version of what had happened? 

“Excuse me.” A male voice broke through Sam’s thoughts. Sam blinked and looked at the newcomer standing in the open doorway of the waiting room looking inward. How had someone approached without Sam realizing it? “I was told the Callaghan family was in the waiting room. I don’t see them. You know who I could ask?”

The resemblance to the rest of the family was unmistakable. This had to be the fourth brother who Sam hadn’t seen earlier. This was either Ridge or Mark and Sam‘s brain was now working better, he realized this was more than likely Mark who now lived in California. The bag at the man‘s feet seemed to indicate a long trip. “The doctor’s giving them an update. Mark right? I‘m Sam Braddock; I …” he faltered over how to finish the statement. To say he worked with Jules was accurate and had proven to be the way she finished the introduction in the past. Yet it pained him to limit his relationship that way, especially since they didn’t have to for work anymore.

The man nodded wearily. “I’ve heard about you. The boyfriend Jules doesn’t want her big brothers ganging up on and interrogating. She’s got a right to worry. You treat her right and make her happy, none of us will have a problem with you. You hurt her and I don’t care if you’re a cop or not, there won’t be enough left of you when the four of us finish with you to even worry about hiding the body.”

Sam smiled. It was nice to know where he stood although he could imagine that kind of introduction was the exact reason why Jules was reluctant to introduce a boyfriend into the family. If they were that protective as adults, how had it been when Jules had just begun to date? “If I ever hurt Jules, I’d want you the four of you to tear me from limb to limb.”

With that understanding out of the way, Mark rubbed his face wearily and looked down the corridor in the direction of the ICU unit. “How’s my dad?”

“Touch and go from the way it sounds. But the doc might have better news. How was your flight? I think I remember Jules telling me you live in California now.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, my wife’s family is from there so when we got married, we decided to move there. As for the flight, the first flight I wanted to take that would have been nonstop was overbooked and I couldn’t even get emergency standby. I panicked and instead of settling for the next available flight that would have had me here by lunch I opted for taking the first available flight AirCanada had for any destination that I could get a connecting flight to Toronto. Weather was bad in Chicago so all flights out of O’Hare were delayed almost an hour. I was starting to think I could get here quicker if I walked.”

“Mark!” The Callaghan siblings came around the corner and Jules cried out jubilantly at the sight of her brother. She closed the distance between them in no time and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug tightly and easily looked over her head at the brothers who all wore similar grim expressions. He raised an eyebrow in question. James sighed.

“Let’s go back in the waiting room and we’ll fill you in. You looked wiped.” 

Sam wasn’t sure what he should do but as Jules passed him, still holding tightly to her brother, she reached out and squeezed his hand. “I need you in here with me.” Sam nodded his assent and was about to follow her inside when James stopped him.

“Sam, I’m sorry for snapping earlier. It’s obvious how much you care about my sister and equally obvious how much she trusts you. So I’m going to trust you as well. We were all close to Johnny; he was more like a brother than an uncle. His betrayal hurt us all beyond the obvious devastation of losing our mother but it was especially hard for Peter and Jules who were closer to Johnny than the rest of us. I’m the oldest and I’m not going to let that waste of living matter hurt my family any more. When he was here earlier Jules said something about him calling our dad. She insinuated he was responsible for Dad’s attack. You followed her out of here when she chased him down. We tried but you buddy wouldn’t let us so you’ve got more information than the rest of us. Be honest with me, did Johnny contribute to Dad’s attack?”

Sam sighed. He wouldn’t betray Jules’s trust but he wouldn’t lie to her brother either. “I think so. I’ve dealt with his type too many times in my line of work. He gets power by manipulating others to do or think what he wants. From what I gathered, he called your father and told him lies about what really happened the night he killed your mother. I don’t know what those lies were, he told Jules and I couldn’t hear. She was too upset to really tell me much and I wasn’t going to push her; she’s got too much on her plate.”

James’s expression was grim. “The world would be so much better off if someone just put us all out of his misery and killed the sonofabitch. He shows his face around here again and I might just be the one to do it, consequences be damned.”

Sam understood the sentiment and felt the same way. He explained the steps that Spike was currently taking to make sure that didn’t happen. The two men entered the waiting room and Sam made a beeline to sit next to Jules on the couch. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in close so that she was tucked in to the safety of his side. On the other side of her, Mark was sitting on the edge of the couch, his knee bouncing with probably a mixture of exhaustion and worry.

“What’s the latest?”

James pulled another chair into the semi-circle they’d formed around the couch and sighed. “Blood tests confirm that Dad had a pretty major attack. They won’t know the extent until they do the heart catheterization. Right now he runs a good chance of having another attack if they try the procedure but if they don’t do the cath, they won’t know if there’s blockage they need to fix to prevent further damage.”

“Damn.” Mark muttered. “So if we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t, which direction do we go in?”

“The doctor has scheduled the catheterization for first thing in the morning.” James paused for a moment and Sam was pretty sure the doctor had added in a caveat of “if he survives the night” that Jams couldn’t bring himself to voice. “If they find something they’ll call us in and discuss options while they still have Dad under sedation.”

Peter continued. “The doctor also recommended that we all go home after the eight o’clock visitation time and get a good night’s sleep. Dad’s getting constant care and there’s nothing we can do sitting around here. If there’s any change the nurse will call us and we can get back here. I don’t like it, but I think he has a point. Tomorrow is going to be a long day no matter what they find. We’ll be able to better handle it if we’re rested.”

All at once the families who’d been inconspicuously sitting around the different areas of the waiting room got to their feet and started toward the door almost as if they were being compelled to do so. Peter glanced at the clock above the door. “It’s almost five; visiting time in the unit. I guess the clock rules everyone’s actions in this place.”

Jules automatically glanced down at her bare wrist, frowning as she remembered that her watch was probably still in the glove box of her jeep. Sam squeezed her shoulder. “I’ll get it for you later if you want.”

“Thanks.” She murmured softly. Then she looked at James and Peter who had been there for the most visiting times since her father had been admitted. “How does this work? I can’t imagine they’ll let the whole herd of us see him at once.”

Peter shook his head. “Only two at a time but they don’t care how you share the thirty minutes. James and I have gotten to spend the most time with him so the three of you should get the bulk of the time with this visit.”

Remembering her father’s reaction the last time she saw him, Jules wasn’t sure she wanted to go back at all. That wasn’t completely true, she wanted to see him; needed to reassure her overworked brain that he really was okay. But at the same time, she didn’t want to make things worse if he woke up and saw her there. If Johnny had told the truth about what he’d told Jack on the phone, then Jules couldn’t see how her father would ever want to see her again, let alone be in the same room with her.

“Jules?”

She jumped, even though Sam’s gentle use of her name had been low and soothing. She looked around to see that her brothers were moving toward the door while she was still sitting there. She buried her head in Sam’s chest for just a moment. “I don’t think I can do this. What if he wakes up while I’m there and it just causes him to take a turn for the worse? You didn’t hear those monitors going off like I did.”

Sam glanced over at her brothers who were watching her in concern. He nodded to indicate it was okay for them to go on and he’d bring Jules in a moment. The brothers seemed reluctant but Peter finally urged them on suggesting that Mark and Ridge take the first turn. Once Sam was alone in the room with her, he twisted so that he could look her in the eye.

“Jules, you can do this. I know you’re scared about what Johnny told your father but I can’t believe your dad would believe anything he had to say. I know I haven’t spent that much time around your father but what time I did is enough to convince me he thinks the world of you and he’s not going to just accept the word of a convicted murderer as truth just because Johnny said it was so. And I really believe if you weren’t so worried about your dad, you’d come to that same conclusion yourself.”

Jules’s eyes were dry but the toil of the day was weighing heavy in them. Her bottom lip looked swollen and bruised and Sam was pretty sure it was because she’d been chewing the hell out of it. “You don’t know how convincing Johnny can be. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could pass a polygraph while spewing nothing but lies. Even if it seems too incredible to believe, he’s so sure of it that you can’t help but trust him.”

Sam frowned. “You’re right, I don’t know how convincing Johnny is but I do know you. You need to see your dad during this visiting time and every visiting time after that. You’ll regret it later if you don’t take every opportunity you get to see him. Your regret will eat at you even after he’s fully recovered and this is all a distant memory. 

Jules appreciated the way he anticipated her father’s full recovery even as they didn’t know for sure if they could hope for it. She hiccupped softly. “Will you come back there with me? After my brothers finish their visits?”

Sam nodded and pulled her up with him as he stood. “Yeah, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”

Twenty minutes later, after Mark and Ridge had spent ten minutes and then James and Peter had spent their time, Sam led Jules down the hall to the cubicles. She paused at the door to the room that held her father and found her legs suddenly felt like dead weights. All four brothers had warned that Jack Callaghan had slept all through the visit but that at least he looked stable. Sam nudged her forward toward the chair that still set next to the bed. She eased down into the seat holding tightly to Sam’s hand as if it were a lifeline. 

She didn’t speak this time though so many thoughts were bursting in her mind wanting to come out. Instead she reached out with the hand that wasn’t gripping Sam’s and rested it over her father’s hand, being mindful of the IV and other monitors. All too soon a nurse was at the door telling them that visiting time was over. Sam wanted to send her a glare that suggested what the nurse could do with her visiting times. He knew they had to have rules but also couldn’t see the harm of letting family members stay if they weren’t causing harm. Sometimes, wasn’t the love of a family member just as potent a medicine as any the pharmacy dispensed? 

Jules nodded and was about to stand when her father’s hand twisted beneath her hand so that it was now palm side up. Slowly his fingers curved so that he was now grasping her hand in his own. It held nowhere near the strength she had on her death grip on Sam but Jules stared at those curled fingers as if a miracle had happened. She gave the hand that now held hers an affectionate squeeze and stood. She leaned over the bed and gave her father a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you Daddy. I’ll be back as soon as they’ll let me. Just please get better.”

Silent, fresh tears slipped down Jules’s cheeks as the fingers curled around her hand tightened ever so slightly as if her father was squeezing her hand. Her eyes were glued to the entwined hands and her mouth opened slightly. 

Behind them, the nurse cleared her throat, once again trying to get their attention that visiting time was over. This time Sam did cut a glare in her direction. It was one he usually reserved for suspects he didn’t have to try to connect to and respect. The one he’d stared down the General with the first time he’d suggested that Sam was wasting his time with the SRU. It was usually as effective as any weapon he could brandish. 

Usually. “I’m sorry, sir. Ordinarily I’d allow a little slack on the rules but x-ray is waiting. You’ll be able to come back at 8.”

With a frown, Sam nodded. He leaned over and kissed Jules just below her temple. “Come on Jules. We gotta go now.” 

Jules slipped her fingers out of her father’s weak grasp and allowed Sam to lead her out of the ICU. Nobody was standing in the corridor as they handed off their passes to the volunteer at the information window. Jules blew out her breath. Sam frowned at her.

“You okay?”

She nodded. “I think I’m going to go to the ladies room before going back in the waiting room.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, remembering her last visit to the restroom. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just need a minute. You know, wash my face and get myself together. I love that you’ve been here for me but I need a few minutes alone to decompress a moment. Is that okay?”

Sam leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Take the time you need. I’ll let your brothers now everything is fine.” 

Jules started to walk off but Sam reached out and caught her hand before she was too far away. He smiled at her. “I love you and everything really is going to be okay.”

She smiled back at him loving him more in that moment than she’d ever thought possible. “I love you too. Thanks for being here. I really don’t think I could cope with all this without you.”

He winked at her, glad to see just a spark of the woman he loved shining through this fragile shell of a woman standing before him. “You could, but I wouldn’t want you to have to try.”

He watched until she disappeared into the same restroom from earlier and the door closed behind her. With a sigh, he pushed open the door to the waiting room and stepped inside. Immediately five pairs of eyes were looking back at him. Spike stood to greet him. “You okay, man?”

Sam nodded as he sank into a seat near the family. “Yeah, Jules is fine; she had to visit the ladies. Spike, is security cooperating?”

Spike nodded. “They are distributing his picture to all their guards. Johnny Dawson won’t even make it into the parking lot without being stopped. Sarge is going to see what he can do about the other. Meanwhile, I volunteered to go pick up burgers for everyone. I know how cafeteria food can be and everyone’s probably starving. You and Jules want your usual?”

Sam nodded although he had a feeling the only way Jules would eat anything at all was by force. He reached in his back pocket for his wallet but Spike waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. Peter and James already took care of it. I’ll be back.”

Leaving Sam alone with the four brothers, Spike left the waiting room. As he waited for the elevator to open, he glanced over at the ladies’ restroom and wondered if he should check on Jules. He decided against it, knowing if they hovered too much, Jules would continue to doubt herself. The elevator door opened and he stepped inside and pressed the button for the ground floor. 

Just as the doors closed on that cart, a second cart opened next to it. A single figure stepped out of the elevator just as the door to the ladies’ restroom opened and Jules emerged. The two figures stared at each other for two minutes before the newcomer spoke. 

“Hello, Jules.”

Jules’s shoulders slumped, “Why do I get the feeling this isn’t an accidental meeting?”

The other person shrugged. “Because I didn’t seem surprised to see you and you’re good at what you do? Sgt. Parker called me and suggested you might need someone to talk to.”

“Awesome. Can this day get any worse?”


	22. Chapter 22

Dr. Amanda Luria watched the young woman standing before her, sizing her up without appearing to do so. Still, she was pretty confident no matter how casual she seemed to be acting, Jules would know exactly what she was doing. It wasn’t that she was that obvious but that the younger woman had always been that observant. While she hadn’t been that surprised when her secretary had told her that Greg Parker was on the line but that had quickly changed when he filled her in on what was going on with the female SRU constable. “I’m sorry to hear your father is ill. How’s he doing?”

Jules drew in a shaky breath, trying to control her breathing much the way she did when taking up position on a rooftop as either Sierra One or Sierra Two. Any show of emotion would just further fuel Dr. Luria’s belief that she was needed. “They’re doing the cath tomorrow to check the damage. I guess we’ll know more then. How’s your practice going?”

 _That’s right, Jules_ , she told herself, _throw the subject you most want to avoid out there like you aren’t scared of it. Dr. Luria had left SRU several years earlier to concentrate on her private practice as a psychologist._

“It’s good, busy. It’s definitely different from handling hot calls with SRU. But we both know the team didn’t really need me. Most calls didn’t require any of my skills that the rest of you couldn’t do just as well. When I made the decision to leave, I promised to be available if I was truly needed. Fortunately that hasn’t happened but once.” 

Jules carefully schooled her features not to flinch at the memory of that one time Dr. Luria was talking about. After Lew’s death, the psychologist had been called in to meet with each member of the team for grief counseling. Jules lost count of the number of one hour sessions she’d sat opposite the woman trying to make her think everything was okay without revealing just how much Lew’s death had affected her. Over the years she’d gotten quite good at building walls around herself so that no one knew what was really going on with her. Walls that seemed to have crumbled completely in light of the news that her uncle was being released from prison. She’d give anything to be able to hide herself away behind those protective walls once again. 

Dr. Luria nodded toward some couches in the lobby area near the elevators. “How about we sit for a few minutes. We’d both probably be more comfortable than just standing here.”

Jules snorted. “Like sitting down’s gonna make me any more comfortable. I appreciate you coming down to check on me but I’m okay. I should get back into the waiting room with my brothers.” 

“Just for a few minutes.” Dr. Luria urged. She knew the whole team or at least the team as it had consisted when she worked with them. The one trait they all shared was they kept their feelings close to the vest. Getting any one of them to open up to her was never easy but Jules was by far the worst. Learning the demons from the girl’s past helped explain it a little more but didn’t make it any easier to talk to her now. “We’re close enough they can find you if they need you. I know how it is when a loved one is in one of these units. As much as you need your family close; it’s not always easy to show them how worried you are. It helps to have someone outside the family that you can vent to from time to time.”

Jules nodded. “That’s why Sam and Spike are here.”

Dr. Luria believed in the gentle approach but was slowly realizing that gentle wouldn’t work with Jules. Neither would overt heavy-handedness either so it was a very tricky line she was currently walking. “Jules, Greg’s worried about you. He’s unofficially asked me to talk to you and right now that’s all it is. Nothing that’s going to be written down or filed away in some folder somewhere. Just two former coworkers having a conversation -- a conversation that I would feel compelled to keep private even if it is unofficial.”

Jules frowned. “That sounds suspiciously like a threat, _Amanda_.” 

Dr. Luria’s eyes widened just slightly and one corner of her mouth turned upward, a sign Jules recognized as confidence of a victory. “Not a threat at all. Just an explanation. A threat would be me adding that if Sgt. Parker continues to be worried he could make this official and that would go in your file, Constable Callaghan. I don’t think any of us want it going to that. Please, come sit down.”

The shift from first times to last names with titles had been done with obvious intent. Intent that Jules fully recognized just as she had when she’d purposely called the doctor by her given name. Realizing that she was being offered a choice that wasn’t really a choice, Jules followed her over the couches and sat down heavily, her whole body language screaming her discomfort. Dr. Luria sat down on the opposite couch, wanting to give the younger woman enough space to not feel trapped. She shook her head. 

“Honestly you’re looking at me like I’m the big bad wolf.”

Jules stiffened before she could control it. Johnny had said something so similar that night he first stole her innocence when he was trying to convince her that he wasn’t going to hurt her when that was his plan all along. It wasn’t that unusual of a phrase but still it threatened to pull her back to that night, especially given where she feared this conversation would go. It wasn’t a path she wanted to travel and was about to shut down any attempt at conversation. 

As if sensing she’d said something wrong, Dr. Luria pursed her lips. “I‘m sorry; I get the feeling I said something that upset you. That certainly wasn‘t my intention.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Yeah because this whole conversation is so on the other side of upsetting. Don’t worry about it.” She was silent for several minutes as she regained her composure. Perhaps if she sat there without talking, Dr. Luria would give you and leave.

The silence seemed to stretch into an eternity. Finally realizing she would get nowhere if she waited for Jules to start, Dr. Luria probed gently, trying to sound conversational. “You know, as many pysch evals as I did for SRU, I don’t think I ever did one of yours. Greg always insisted on doing them himself. I always wondered why. He knew about your mother’s death didn’t he? Knew you didn’t like to talk about it?”

“Still don’t.” Close yourself off, answer the questions succinctly at possible and get it over with. Just like with Lew. Doesn’t matter if you need to talk about it or should talk about it in more detail. It’s safer that way.

“Nobody can blame you for that. Still, the ostrich who sticks her head in the sand to avoid danger just puts her ass on the line, right?” It was almost as if Dr. Luria could read her mind.

“And I’m the ostrich?” There was no anger in Jules’s voice, no emotion whatsoever. 

Dr. Luria shrugged. “Just calling them like I see them. If the feather fits….”

Jules wondered how much Sarge had told the psychologist about the situation. Did he stick with the facts or did he add their suppositions as well? She took a deep breath and plunged in to the deep. Dr. Luria wanted her to talk about it? Well then she would but only on her own terms. “I was sixteen years old and my mom basically died in my arms because a man I thought I could trust stabbed her, came after me, and then stabbed her in the heart when she tried to save me. Is it really being an ostrich not to like to relive that memory?”

“It is if it keeps you from healing from the pain. Jules, no one should have to go through what you did. But you know that. You’ve probably told countless other victims of violence that. But that doesn’t change the fact that you did go through it. Did you ever talk to anyone about what you saw? I mean really talk to someone, not sit there and feed someone what you thought they wanted to hear.”

Jules frowned. “My dad tried to get me to see someone but I kept having panic attacks that scared him more than the idea of me not getting help. I don’t think I suffered too badly by not talking about it. I’ve got a good life, good career, good relationship…” She trailed off regretting using the word relationship. She didn’t want to open that topic of discussion with the doctor.

Dr. Luria smiled. “I had a feeling it was only a matter of time before you and Sam became a couple.” Jules’s eyes widened in surprise and Dr. Luria laughed. “Relax, you’re the one who told me about Sam. Earlier you said that Sam and Spike were here for you. I’m all for co-worker support but sitting up at a hospital waiting room suggests something more. You and Spike have always been close but close in a way that a romantic relationship would have been just too weird. Spike I’m sure is here because he knows all too well about the fear of losing a parent in this place. That leaves Sam. Besides, I had him pegged as being lovestruck by you from day one. It was only a matter of time before he made his move. I’m happy for both of you.” 

Two orderlies pushing a stretcher between them rushed down the hall toward ICU. Dr. Luria waited until they passed to continue. “And you’re right, despite all you went through as a teenager, you’ve made a remarkable life for yourself. I don’t know too many who could have done what you’ve done, chosen the career you chose after living through such a traumatic time. But what about now? The bastard who almost destroyed your life is out of jail and from what Greg told me on the phone is making your life hell.”

Jules laughed. She couldn’t help it; something about hearing the doctor refer to her uncle in such a derogatory manner struck her as funny. “I didn’t think psychologists called people bastards.”

Again Dr. Luria shrugged. “Just calling them like I see them.” She smiled slightly, glad to see that it looked like Jules was relaxing ever so slightly. “Look Jules, I know you. You’re good at your job because you push yourself to be better than everyone else. You’ve had to in order to make it in a man’s world. And you aren’t going to admit defeat for any reason or anyone. I’ve seen you bust ribs on the training course and keep going back for more until you finally collapsed from the pain and couldn’t move, protesting the whole time you were okay and just needed a second to catch your breath. That kind of grit and determination is one thing when it comes to your job but you’ve got to have an outlet when your personal live gets overwhelming.”

“And let me guess, me sitting in your office an hour a week for who knows how long should be that outlet.”

“For some people, yes it‘s exactly what they need, for at least a session or two. But I think we both know that traditional therapy wouldn’t work with you. It may not even be what you need. What if you and I just got together for drinks after work and we just talk about what’s going on? Again, nothing official but purely confidential. We could talk about your mom’s death, how you feel about her killer being turned loose, other issues surrounding that time and now and that might be weighing on you.” 

With the last line, Jules was almost definite that Greg had told Dr. Luria about Sam’s guess that Johnny had hurt her. She felt her hackles rising and was ready to tell the psychologist what she could do with her idea but then backed down. Maybe if she acted like she was buying the idea, she’d get the doctor off her back for at least a little while. She shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. It would have to be after my dad gets better; while he’s here I’m not going to have time for much else.” 

Dr. Luria smiled. “I wouldn’t expect otherwise. Let me give you my card and I’ll write my personal cell number on it. You can call me when your dad recovers or if you just need to talk before then.” She reached into her purse to get the card and a pen. As she was scribbling her number on the back, the elevator door opened again and Spike stepped out carrying several white bags. He stopped short when he saw the two women talking. 

“Dr. Luria, good to see you. What brings you down from the eighth floor?”

“Just wandering through and ran into Jules. I heard her father was sick and wanted to see if everything was okay. How are you Mike?”

“Good, good. Jules, I picked up burgers for everyone. Yours will be waiting for you in the waiting room when your through catching up. Dr. Luria, great to see you.”

Spike hurried on and Jules looked from him to Dr. Luria and then back again. Dr. Luria had promised her that anything she said would stay private and Jules had a feeling she suddenly had the proof she needed that Dr. Luria would keep her word. The grief counseling they’d had after Lew’s death had taken place at headquarters. The only way Spike would have known where Dr. Luria’s office was would be if he’d been there. Was Dr. Luria the reason Spike had suddenly gained peace after his father’s death? She’d never pry with Spike and if she was right about Dr. Luria, the doctor would never admit it either. 

“Here you go, Jules. My card. Please call me soon. I’ll keep a check on how your father’s doing as well.” 

Jules narrowed her eyes at the outstretched hand. “How did you know about Spike? Earlier you said he was probably here because of what he went through with losing his dad. How did you know his father had died?”

“I read the obituary in the paper.” 

The answer came easily and smoothly. Nothing to indicate it was a lie but also nothing to indicate there was more to the story. Jules had her answer. She reached out and took the card. Maybe she would call her after all. “Thanks.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“You sure Wordy doesn’t mind keeping Patches a little longer?” Jules practically slurred her words as Sam guided her into the house around nine thirty that night. She was already half asleep, more so than she’d been on the walk back up from the lake the night of the eclipse -- had that only been the night before? Sam thought with a groan. He was tired as well but was at least more coherent than Jules was.

“Positive. He wasn’t expecting us home until late tomorrow anyway. Come on, let’s get you up to bed before you aren’t able to climb the stairs.” Sam urged leading her toward the staircase. She was leaning quite heavily on him and it was obvious she was completely done in. He put a hand under her knees and lifted her effortlessly into his arms. She sighed into his neck.

“Should have stayed at the hospital in case Dad needs me.” It was the same argument she and Mark had continued to make at the hospital after the 8 o’clock visit was over. Both James and Peter had argued that the doctor had said it was better for them to get the rest and that they should all go home for the night. Ridge had remained neutral, stating he understood both sentiments. It had looked like it was going to become a full out Callaghan battle to beat all battles but James and Peter finally won out. Ridge would spend the night with Peter and Mark would stay with James and Sam was finally free to take Jules home.

“They’ll call if there’s any change. Besides, you saw him at the 8 o’clock visit. He was sleeping peacefully. The nurse who’s going to be with him tonight said he was much more stable now than he’d been since they brought him in. He’ll be fine and you need to be well rested before sitting up at the hospital tomorrow.” 

She was silent the rest of the way up the stairs to the bedroom and Sam figured she’d drifted off to sleep in his arms but as he laid her down on the bed, he saw that her eyes were still half open and she was once again chewing her bottom lip. “Dr. Luria came to see me.”

Sam kissed her, as much to save her lip from more damage from her teeth as for the affection he felt for her. “I know. Jules, we can talk about it in the morning. Now you need to sleep.”

“How did you know? I didn’t say anything; didn’t want my brothers asking questions.” Jules sat up in the bed leaning against the headboard because she really was too exhausted to hold her own weight. Sam kissed her forehead and stood, going to the dresser and pulling one of her oversized night shirts from the drawer. 

“I got worried because you’d been gone so long. I went to check on you and saw the two of you talking. I didn’t want to intrude so I went back to the waiting room.” He handed her the shirt but she left it lying in her lap. 

Sam shook his head; he didn’t often see her this tired, not even after she’d gone several nights without any sleep at all. The times that he had usually followed tough hot calls where she’d either been Sierra One and forced to make the kill shot or worse when she’d been lead negotiator and had to make the difficult choice to call Scorpio. Of course those times had usually involved the team having a few drinks after going off shift to decompress. 

It hit Sam now that although the team often went for drinks, he’d never seen Jules drunk. Most times, she limited herself to one or two alcoholic drinks -- usually beer -- and then switched to soft drinks. Nights after those particularly hard calls she might go for the third and on the very rare occasion a fourth. Now he thought about Johnny’s words in the corridor of the hospital, the ones he’d actually heard the man taunt her with. 

_I told him how my lush of a sister was treating you. She really was a mean drunk wasn’t she, JAC. How many times did she hit you when she was too drunk to hardly stand?_

He didn’t trust anything Johnny had to say, knowing the man was a skilled liar and manipulator. Still, usually within the best of lies there was some nugget of truth. Could Jules’s mom have had a drinking problem? Being a cop was a demanding job and was sometimes probably even harder on a cop’s spouse. Did Jules now limit her own drinking for fear that she might carry some gene she got from her mother?

He knew he shouldn’t try to second guess or read into her actions and words this way but it was difficult when she had such a hard time opening up and allowing him to be privy to such information. He looked down at her from where he was standing next to the bed. She was leaning against the headboard, her eyes now fully closed, her mouth parted slightly as she dozed. He reached out and touched her cheek lightly but she didn’t move. No wonder she was so tired now. Though they had slept on their trip, the energy they’d burned during each day had far exceeded any rest they could have gotten sleeping on the air mattress. Add that to the emotional stress of this particular day -- learning of her father’s heart attack, worrying about his condition, her panic attack, the horrific and stressful confrontation with Johnny and the vomiting jag that encounter caused her, talking to Dr. Luria, to the final argument with her brothers about whether they should stay or leave the hospital for the night -- it was a wonder she’d hadn’t collapsed earlier. 

“Jules, you’ll sleep better if you change into something more comfortable.” Actually she seemed to be sleeping pretty well even in such an uncomfortable position but Sam knew it wouldn’t last. She shrugged, showing she wasn’t deeply asleep yet, but didn’t move. Sam reached for the hem of her t-shirt to help her but stopped. The last time he’d undressed her while she slept, it had caused a bad reaction, one he didn’t want to repeat, especially now that she‘d confirmed that she‘d been sexually assaulted as a teenager. He wouldn’t remove her clothes and help her into her nightshirt without her permission. “Jules, want me to help you?”

She nodded and lifted the night shirt ever so slightly in his direction. He grinned and sat on the bed next to her, gathering her gently in his arms. He removed her t-shirt and shorts, tossing them to the floor. As he reached behind her to unfasten her bra, she lifted her head and began kissing his neck, blazing a trail up and over to his mouth. He returned the kiss eagerly enough, the hand that wasn’t removing her bra cupping the back of her head. 

“Make love to me, Sam.” She whispered between kisses. 

He felt himself harden at the neediness he could hear in her request. It would be so easy for him to lay her down and proceed to do just as she begged. He kissed her once more but then stopped. “Not tonight Jules. God knows I never want to pass up an opportunity to show you how much I love you but tonight’s not the night for it. You’re exhausted.” 

To emphasis his point, he gently pulled the nightshirt over her head and helped her to put her arms through the holes. He swept a hand underneath her to pull the covers back on the bed and help her slip beneath them. He kissed her again, this time noticing her lower lip was poked out in a pout. 

“Because you think I’m tired or because of what Johnny said at the hospital?”

Sam sighed; he should have realized his refusal might sound like a rejection to her wounded psyche. “Because I know you passed tired about five hours ago. Nothing Johnny Dawson could ever say or do will ever change the way I feel about you. I love you and I desire you but because of that I’m saying no tonight, just tonight.” 

She nodded her understanding and slipped into sleep, clutching his shirt much the way she had earlier at the hospital after coming out of the panic attack. He nestled her close to his body and gently caressed her arm until her grip on him slackened and he knew she was deep asleep. He gave her one more kiss and slipped off the bed. He was tired enough to go on the bed right then himself but there were things he should do before retiring for the night. He retrieved Jules’s phone from the night stand where they’d left it for the trip. He turned it on and plugged it into the charger so it would have a full charge for the next day. As soon as the device powered up the voice mail symbol appeared in the top left corner. He didn’t listen to the messages; wouldn’t invade her privacy like that. Besides, he figured most of the messages were probably from her brother trying to reach her with the initial news about her father. They’d given the hospital and her brothers Sam’s cell number before leaving the hospital so he wasn’t worried about it being a brand new message. 

Then he made his way downstairs and began to unload the jeep. He didn’t bother to put things in their proper places -- that could wait until they both had the time and energy but didn’t want their camping things sitting in the hospital parking lot all day tomorrow like they had today after he’d arrived. He did unload the cooler, putting the food that needed to be kept cold away in either the fridge or freezer. He doubled checked the locks on the door and turned out the lights.

After that, he returned upstairs to the bedroom. He stood in the doorway for a moment, watching Jules. She hadn’t moved in the time he’d been gone, a testament to how tired she really was. Usually she was in almost constant motion; something that had taken him a while to get used to when they’d first began sleeping together. He could have stood there watching her sleep for hours but his own exhaustion was creeping up on him. 

Grabbing a change of clothes from the drawer, he quietly made his way to the bathroom. If he got his shower now, it would save time in the morning as they were getting ready. No matter how tired she was now, he was sure she’d be up with the dawn, ready to get back to the hospital as soon as they could, even thought her father wasn’t scheduled for the catheterization until nine in the morning. He turned the shower on as hot as he could stand it and undressed as he waited for the temperature to get where he wanted it. He loved camping but didn’t love the public showers that most campgrounds offered. The pressure was never strong enough or the water hot enough. It worked for getting clean but that was it. He stepped in to the shower and immediately the cascading water worked to massage his muscles which were tight and a little sore. He was physically fit and worked out every day but even he wasn’t used to all the rock climbing and hiking he’d put them through in the last few days. The only thing that would have been better than the shower he was currently enjoying would be a massage under Jules’s more than capable and skilled hands. 

Finally he turned off the water and grabbed the towel waiting for him on the outside of the shower. He dried off and dressed before the vastly different temperature in the bathroom could cool him too much. He looked in the mirror at the four day growth of stubble on his normally boyish face. Quickly lathering his jaw with shaving cream, he reached for his razor. Just as he was about to put the blade to the top of his jaw under his right ear, he paused. Had it been just that morning that Jules had admitted to liking the rugged look on him and how she planned to enjoy it while it lasted? He’d warned her he’d have to shave before going to work but he still had one day left of his vacation. He replaced the razor and washed off the shaving cream. There wasn’t much he could do for Jules in this current situation but perhaps this small gesture would help. He had wiped his hands and was about to return to the bedroom to crawl into bed and pull Jules to him when his cell phone sitting on the countertop began to buzz and vibrate. 

He picked it up, frowning when he saw James’s name on the caller ID. He flipped the phone open with a silent prayer that it wasn’t bad news about Jules’s father. If something happened during the night after she’d wanted to stay, he didn’t think she’d ever forgive her brothers or him for insisting that they all leave. “Hello?”

_“What the hell did that bastard do to my little sister?”  
_


	23. Chapter 23

Sam closed his eyes and inwardly cursed. Wasn’t this day finally supposed to be coming to a close? “James…”

There must have a warning in his one word because James didn’t let him continue. _“Listen to me, Sam. I know he did something and I’m betting you know what. Either you’re going to tell me everything you know or I swear I’m going to come over there and hound my sister until she tells me.”_

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, James, Just let me call you back in a couple of minutes. Jules is sleeping and I don’t want to risk waking her up. You saw how worn out she was when we left. I’ll go downstairs and call you right back.”

_“Two minutes, Braddock or I’m heading over.”_

Sam closed the phone and stepped out of the bathroom. He glanced at Jules who this time was in a new position. She had curled up almost in a ball hugging his pillow to her. He smiled at her, wanting nothing more than to replace that pillow with his own body. Again he felt a tightening in his lower region as he stared mesmerized by her beauty and innocence as she slept. But he couldn’t linger and watch the even rise and fall of her chest. If he did, there would soon be someone loudly banging on the door.

Once downstairs, Sam settled into the couch for what he expected to be a long conversation. He opened his phone and was pulling up James’s number where there was a light tapping at the door. With a frown, he rose and went to the door, only half surprised to see both James and Mark standing there. He flipped on the light and opened the door, stepping aside to let them in. He gratefully accepted the red insulated cup from Tim Hortons that Mark offered him, noticing that both brothers also had one of their own as well. 

“I thought I had two minutes to call you back.” He took a long sip of the coffee, not minding that the scalding liquid that momentarily burned his mouth. 

James set his coffee on a side table and began to pace the living room, obviously upset. After several passes, he paused mid-pace and fixed Sam in his stare. “They called from the hospital.”

Sam sucked in his breath. “I’ll get Jules.” He was halfway to the stairs when Mark called him. 

“Relax Sam, that’s not necessary. What my not so eloquent brother is trying to say is they called from the hospital an hour ago. Dad woke up and was pretty agitated. The nurses tried to calm him down and finally realized he wanted to talk to someone. He drew the letter J on the bed so the nurse called James.”

Sam returned to the couch and sat down. Mark, nursing his own coffee, sat in the chair next to the couch and James resumed pacing. Sam frowned. “Let me guess, he really wanted to see Jules.”

James snorted. “Should have seen the look Dad shot toward the nurses station when I came in instead of Jules. First time since I heard that Dad had been taken to the hospital that I began to believe he was going to be okay. I offered to call her; told Dad she’d be there as quick as she could but he shook his head. I think he realized he still didn’t have much strength to stay awake that long. Dad tried to pull the oxygen mask off but I wouldn’t let him. I knew he was trying to tell me something and he couldn’t because of the mask but I still didn’t want to take him off the oxygen long enough for him to say what he had to say. Stubborn old man was pretty insistent.”

Mark picked up the story. “His nurse brought us a pad and a large pen. Dad’s hand was shaky but at least it gave him a way to communicate without him losing the oxygen mask.”

James suddenly threw himself down on the other end of the couch. “Two words. It took him almost five minutes to write nine letters. Hurt Jules. I thought maybe he’d realized Jules had gone into a panic attack when she was with him that first time and felt responsible. I started assuring him that yeah, it was rough but she was okay. I even sang your damn praises about how you coaxed her out of the attack like a pro.”

While Sam was glad to hear that he’d apparently won the approval of Jules’s brother, it was clear that James was a tightly wound person. It was a scary, unpredictable kind of mood; one that would have Sam, if this were a hot call and he was Sierra One, anticipating a Scorpio call any second. 

Again Mark picked up the story, apparently used to his brother’s volatile moods and knowing when to step in. “Jules ever give that look of hers that screams ’don’t be thick’?” Sam laughed and nodded, although he’d always called it her “don’t make me come over there and kick your sorry ass” look. It was a look he’d be happy never to see directed toward him ever again. “It’s nothing compared to the one Dad can give. He was clearly agitated. The heart monitor was going off like crazy and the nurse was trying to kick us out. Dad started writing again. Ten minutes this time to get one word. Johnny.”

James buried his head in his hands, the tension evident in shoulder muscles. “The damn nurse kept telling us that they needed to get Dad calmed down or we’d risk him having another heart attack or maybe even a stroke. I didn’t want that to happen but at the same time I knew he was trying to tell us something important; something he didn’t think he had to the time to wait to get off his chest. Concern over his health won out and she sedated him. While we were waiting for the drugs to take effect, I leaned down and told him not to worry. Told him there was no way Johnny would ever be able to hurt Jules. Reminded him that she was too tough. Once again he reached up and lifted the oxygen mask and this time we couldn’t stop him. It was barely a whisper but his words made me sick to my stomach. Told me I’d better not let that pervert hurt his baby again. Then the sedative kicked in and he was out.”

James sat up and stared at Sam with his expression hard. “’Don’t let that pervert hurt my baby again.’ Again as in already happened at least once. Dad was a cop; he’d only use the word pervert to mean one thing. So again, I ask you, Sam, what did that bastard do to Jules?”

Sam finished off the coffee Mark had brought him and set the empty cup on the coffee table. Jules had been so convinced that her father had believed whatever lies Johnny had told him, that her father would believe she’d asked for whatever had happened. He was glad to hear that apparently his attempts to assure her that her father would see through the lies had been on target. Still he knew she wouldn’t fully be convinced until her father could tell her for himself. 

“I can’t tell you.”

James shot up off the couch, knocking the coffee table sideways in the process. He looked down at Sam and at that moment Sam could hear the word Scorpio running through his head. Subject escalating and possibly violent. 

“Can’t or won’t? Damn it, Sam; I get it; you’re a good guy and you don’t want to betray whatever trust my sister has put in you. Ordinarily I’d applaud that and slap you on the back for being such an upstanding guy. I can’t, not with this. I’ve been going out of my mind with worry since we left the hospital again. I’m the oldest and, until Dad’s on his feet again, responsible for the rest of the family. You don’t want to share something my sister confided in you. Bravo, just great. Fine, I guess I can respect that but it’s not going to stop me. You want me to go upstairs and wake her up and grill her myself? I will.”

“What good do you think that will do, James?” Mark inserted calmly. Sam glanced his way. Mark had obviously heard the same story James had but he didn’t seem as upset. The more he looked at the next to the youngest brother of the Callaghan family, Sam could see that the same anger really was there, deep down but just better controlled. If the situation called for it, Mark wouldn’t hesitate to make any person responsible for hurting someone he cared about pay for that pain. But at the same time, he wasn’t going to fly off half cocked. “The one trait all five of us got from Dad was stubbornness. I don’t know if it has something to do with being the oldest and the youngest but you and Jules got the lion’s share of it, at least a double or triple dose to what the other three of us got. You go up there and start badgering her for answers she apparently hasn’t wanted to give us and what’s going to happen? Rock meets hard place. You think that’s going to help her? You think that’s going to help Dad?”

Sam was impressed; Mark was a calm mediator. Probably a role he’d often found himself in while being caught in the middle of family squabbles growing up. “Mark’s right, James. Yeah, Johnny hurt her twenty years ago but you’ve known that since the moment you got the call about your mother. You think a sixteen year old could go through what she went through unscathed? Of course she was hurt.”

James shook his head. “It was more than that. Dad wouldn’t have been so adamant about it otherwise. I asked you earlier today what Johnny had done to my father. You told me he called dad and told lies about that night. I’d love to believe that the idea Dad got that that ass wipe had done something perverted to my baby sister was just a lie but what would be the purpose? He grew up with us. He knows how overprotective we all are where Jules is concerned. Hell, until that night twenty years ago he was just as protective. I don’t care how much time he spent in jail he would have to know if we ever thought he’d done what Dad’s thinking he did we’d kill him. Why risk our wrath over a lie?”

“For the same reason he’d tell the truth about it if it was. To hurt the family one more time. You asked me earlier if my refusal was a matter of can’t or won’t. The answer is both. I can’t tell you what happened because Jules can’t even tell me the details of that night just like she hasn’t been able to tell anyone else. I won’t tell you what she has confided in me because you were also right earlier. I won’t betray her trust. Let’s just say for the sake of argument just for a moment that the worst fears running through your head right now are true. What would that worst fear be?”

“That that bastard --that little snot of an uncle who’s two years younger than me ….” he broke off with an almost pained growl. “Damn it, Sam, you know what I fear happened to her.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I do. And if you can’t bring yourself to say the word, twenty years removed from the night in question and it’s not even your body, imagine what it would be like for her. If Dawson is sadistic enough to rape his own teenage niece and murder his sister, don’t you think he would have filled her head with all kinds of lies about how people would react if they knew the truth? How people would blame her or think she asked for it? Or worse, threatened to hurt her or someone else if she told? Hypothetically of course, if what you are think is true.”

James hung his head. “Which you can’t and won’t say is or isn’t. Damn him, Sam. She was just a kid; he should have been one of the ones protecting her from that kind of pain, not causing it. What do I do? I can’t forget what Dad told me. I have to protect her. If there’s even a possibility she would think I or any of us would blame her or anything ludicrous like that then I’ve got to let her know she’s wrong.”

Mark’s eyes were red and tears threatened. “James is right. She might have been the pain-in-the-neck little sister who was always running after us wanting to be one of the guys but she’s our baby sister.”

Sam rubbed his face wearily. He wasn’t the one who needed to hear their affirmations of support and love. “Then tell her.” Before they could misinterpret what he was saying he continued. “Not tonight. Tomorrow. After the catheterization is over and you know what’s going on with your dad. Tell her about the conversation you had with your dad tonight, ask your questions without pushing and let her know that whether she wants to confide in you or not you have her back. But you’ve got to prepare yourself for the fact that even with your unwavering support, she might not tell you anything and you’ve got to be prepared to back off and give her space. If you don’t you’ll only end up hurting her worse than anything Dawson might have done to her.”

“He’s right.” Mark told James who nodded. “We’ve got to fill Peter and Ridge in on what’s going on. First thing in the morning when we meet for breakfast. We’ve got to all be on the same page with this but we can’t seem like we’re ganging up on her. For now, we need to go back to your place and get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a hell of an emotional day for all of us and I don‘t mean just worrying about Dad.”

“Sleep like that’s going to happen. Okay, yeah, let’s get out of here and let Braddock get some sleep as well. He looks like he could use it.”

Sam stood and walked them to the door. At the doorway, James stopped and shook Sam’s hand. “I have to be honest with you. I didn’t want to like you. Jules may be an adult in her thirties but to me she’s always going to be that gangly little girl who we could and would talk into carrying out whatever devious scheme we’d come up with mostly because we knew she’d be less likely to get in trouble if Dad caught us. I’m not keen on liking any guy dating my sister, less likely one who’s sharing her house and God forbid her bed. Then you show up at the hospital looking all scruffy and bad boy like and I’m doublely convinced you aren’t right for anybody’s sister let alone Jules.”

“James, come on, don’t do this, man.” Mark pleaded but James shook his head. 

“No, he deserves to know where I stand. Sam, my opinion of you changed watching the way you treated my sister. Like she’s fine china disguised as a Teflon coated cast iron skillet. You gave her space to be her own person but were ready to catch at the first stumble. I’m still not too keen about thinking of the two of you sharing a bed but I’m glad she has you.”

If James had said he didn’t want him dating Jules, it wouldn’t have changed the way Sam felt toward the beautiful woman sleeping upstairs. If they had to keep their relationship on the down low to keep the peace with her family, then it wouldn’t be the first time. But still, he was glad to have the seal of approval from the oldest brother. Jules meant too much to him for her to be forced in the middle of an awkward situation between him and her brothers. 

After saying goodnight, he locked up once more and turned out the lights. He made his way to the bedroom and slid into bed, turning off the lamp as he did so, plunging the bedroom into darkness. Gently, he extracted his pillow from Jules’s grasp, wrapping her arms around her tenderly as she instinctively turned to him in exchange for the pillow. 

“Was beginning to think you weren’t coming to bed.” She complained, still more asleep than awake. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s going to be just fine. Go back to sleep,” he punctuated his assurances with light kisses until he felt her relax in his arms once again. Despite his own exhaustion, he continued to lie there in the dark for several long minutes longer feeling the beat of her heart against his chest and praying that perhaps soon Jules would be able to get the closure on what happened to her that she’d needed for twenty years.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Sam, wake up.” 

His eyes flew open almost immediately at the command because the tone Jules used was clear that it wasn’t a request. He picked his head up slightly, blinking back the sleep. Jules had obviously been up for a while, her side of the bed was cool to the touch, nothing to indicate that someone had been sleeping there recently. She was dressed and standing by the side of the bed her arms crossed at her chest and her expression was one of uncertainty and anger. 

All trace of sleepiness left him and he bolted up in the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“Someone’s been in the house since we left. Either we had company while we gone or you did last night. Three cups from Timmies in the living room that weren’t there when we left prove it.”

Sam groaned. He’d meant to throw them out last night before coming to bed but had completely forgot. He’d wanted to leave it to her brothers to explain everything because he felt she really needed the information and promise of support to come from them. But there was no way he could wait about it now. “Jules, come here.” He reached out and tugged her hand gently, pulling her down on the bed with him. She sat there, her body rigid expecting the worst and he held her hands securely in his own. He told her about the visit from her two brothers and the information they’d demanded. Before he could assure her that he hadn’t broken her confidence and that even if he had, her brothers were on her side, Jules pulled away from him and began to pace the bedroom angrily. He couldn’t help but wonder if she knew how much like her oldest brother she really was. 

“Damn him. Why now? Twenty years ago he agreed to confess with the stipulation that I not say anything about what he did to me. I didn’t want anyone to know my shame so I agreed without question. Why is he the one going around and telling everyone now?”

“He didn’t want you saying anything twenty years ago because he didn’t want to take any chances of being charged with sexual assault. Murderers get respect while sex offenders become easy targets in prison. At sixteen you would have been considered over the age of consent that would have taken any pedophile charges away but probably not in the eyes of his fellow inmates. He was protecting himself not you. Everything he’s done since being released has been directed toward causing you pain. Letters, calls, showing up at work, slashing your tire, all meant to knock you off your game and torment you. You aren’t a kid anymore and he probably realizes he can’t hurt you the same way he did then, not and hope to survive the attempt. So he’s taking your worst memory, your greatest pain and forcing your to relive it. He’s sadistic and there’s a special place in hell waiting for him.”

“He can’t get there too quickly for my taste.” Jules warned darkly. She turned to face him, suddenly looking very small and much more like that fine china analogy James had used the night before. “Sam, I’m tired of him having that power over me. I want to be free of him and not let him hurt me either with his words or his actions. I just don’t know how to do that.”

Sam threw the covers back and stepped out of bed, crossing to her and holding her tightly. “I don’t have all the answers, Babe. I wish I did. I think you’ve already started taking the first steps. You’re opening up and letting me see your pain instead of you hiding behind it. Do the same for your brothers, give them the chance to show you they love you and support you. Eventually, I think you’re going to have to let someone all the way into your pain. It’s a matter of trusting enough.”

She clung to him tightly, grateful for his love and support. As she’d told him during their trip, his arms were where she felt the safest. Still, she couldn’t deny the clenching in her stomach at the mere thought of telling him -- because if she did this he would be the someone she let in -- the whole story. “I do trust you.”

He silenced her with a kiss. A long slow kiss that sent a warmth through her all the way down to her toes. Then he looked her in the eyes, his voice low and husky. “I know you do. It’s not about trusting me though. It’s about trusting yourself. Once you’re ready, I’m right here for you all the way. We’ll get through this crisis with your dad and then we’ll break Dawson’s hold on you.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter contains an extended ending that wasn't posted at fanfiction.net due to the content. Might not really exceed the rating rules there but figured it was better safe than sorry.

Jules pulled her uniform shirt on and buttoned it slowly, keeping her back to the large mirror in the locker room. She didn’t need to see her reflection to know that she looked like seven kinds of hell. She knew as soon as she walked out of the solitary sanctuary the locker room afforded her and she had to face the rest of the team, especially Sarge, they were going to see through any tough façade she tried to put on. All the effort Sam had put into the first part of their vacation to help her relax and regain her normal focus had been for naught from the moment Spike had shown up to give her the news about her father’s heart attack. 

There was a light tapping on the door and Jules took a deep breath before inviting who ever it was in. Sarge stepped just inside the locker room and leaned against the wall. He regarded her closely. 

“You sure about being here today, Kiddo? I totally get it if you need a little more time…”

“I know Sam and I only really missed two days of work out of the five we were gone but it was short notice for you and you were great about making it work. It’s not fair for me to keep inconveniencing you by taking off additional days.”

Greg shook his head. “Don’t worry about me or the schedule. Rodney from Team 5 already volunteered to cover your shift if you needed another day or two. Your dad had bypass surgery yesterday and nobody could or would fault you for wanting to be at the hospital with him.”

Part of her did want to be at the hospital; she couldn’t deny that. The catheterization hadn’t taken long. The doctor met the family and Sam in the waiting room to explain while the damage the initial heart attack had done couldn’t be repaired, he had discovered a couple more arteries that were also blocked enough that a second, probably fatal heart attack, would be possible if they didn’t operate. The surgery had taken longer and after it was over, they’d only gotten to spend about thirty minutes watching Jack Callaghan sleeping off the effects of the anesthesia in ICU before the nurses shooed them out. 

“All I could do today is sit around the ICU waiting room staring at my brothers waiting for those ridiculously short visiting hours the hospital has. I don’t even know why they call them hours because each visit only last thirty minutes. I’ll be off shift for the last two visits and I’ll see him then. At least then he’ll probably be more awake anyway. It’ll give my brothers more time with him during the day.” 

She didn’t add that sitting at the hospital all day with her brothers would just give them more time to drill her for information about what had happened twenty years ago. The day before, their concern had been centered around their mutual worry for their father. Once they’d been assured that, with a few changes to his diet and lifestyle, medication, and a few weeks of rest, Jack Callaghan should be able to resume a normal life, the brothers concern had turned to their little sister and the horrible secret they were afraid she’d been keeping from them. 

Jules had promised Sam that morning that she didn’t want to be Johnny’s victim anymore but putting those words into practice were easier said than done. Even though they had tried their best to pose their questions in an non-threatening manner, Jules had felt trapped in the waiting room. Sam’s comforting hands on her arms had kept her grounded in the moment and prevented her from falling into that dark pit that opened beneath her feet whenever she felt confronted by her past. Though they had been persistent in their attempts to get the story from her, they hadn’t been demanding. Her inability to confide in them anything more than yes, something had happen to her had only fueled their desire to know more. 

It had been Ridge that finally had reacted in anger. Not at her but at the other brothers. Seeing Ridge, the most even tempered member of the family, explode had surprised them all. 

_“Damn it, leave her the hell alone. Can’t you see she doesn’t want to talk about it? Can you blame her? Do we really have to know every single disgusting detail of what that bastard did to her? Will it make any of us feel better if we force her to relive it? Wasn’t it bad enough just thinking about her having to witness Mom’s death? How many times in the last twenty years have I woken up in a cold sweat imagining what that must have been like? Now I find out it was much worse than that? I should have been there and prevented all of this from happening. But I wasn’t cause I was too wrapped up in my own life and problems. Well, I’m not going to make that mistake again. She wants to talk about it, fine I’ll listen but I’m not going to stand here and let anyone put her through hell again. You got a problem with it, you come through me.”_

His ultimatum had diffused the situation the night before but Jules didn’t hold out hope that it would totally stop her brothers from questioning her further. Perhaps she was hiding behind returning to work as an attempt to put off their questions for as long as she could. 

“Okay, if you’re sure. The offer’s there if you need. For what it’s worth though, I’m glad to have you back. Rodney’s good but he’s not you.” 

Jules smiled and awkwardly hugged him. When she pulled back, she chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, coming to a decision. “Sarge, while you are here in my office, there’s something I’ve got to tell you. You asked me when Johnny was released to tell you if he contacted me.” She sucked in her breath through her mouth, her eyes begging for understanding. “I wasn’t exactly honest with you.”

Greg lowered his chin so that he could look at her, his expression completely neutral. “This about the letters Dawson sent you from prison?” When her eyes widened in surprise, he shook his head. “I had Spike do some checking on your uncle’s time in prison, trying to figure out how he seemed to know so much about your life now. Spike saw your name on the outgoing mail list and told me about it. I wish you had told me, yeah, but I trust you would have come to me if there had been anything in those letters that would suggest you were in danger from him.”

“I never read any of them. Sarge, I destroyed them without opening them. Every single one of them. I didn’t want to know what he had to say and I didn’t want to answer questions about them. I’m sorry I let you down.”

Greg sighed and reached out to cup the back of her head affectionately. “Jules, you didn’t let me down. But I am worried about you. I know what its like to try to deal with your demons all on your own. It didn’t work out too well for me; I lost my wife, my son, could have lost my job as well if I hadn’t gotten my drinking under control. I know you’re a hell of a lot stronger than I am but I think your demons are much larger than mine were as well. I just don’t want to see you make the mistakes I made. Just remember we’re all on your side in all of this.”

Jules smiled, blinking back the tears she refused to shed. “I know. And I appreciate it, even you calling Dr. Luria. I don’t know if I’ll talk to her or not but I know you were looking out for me. I told Sam yesterday that I’m not going to let Johnny hurt me any more. I’m still struggling with how to do that but you know me once I get my mind set on something.” 

Greg returned her smile with a sad one of his own. “Yeah, that I do. Come on Constable Callaghan, let’s go keep the peace.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Are you sure?” Sam asked from his spot sitting on the weight bench where he’d been doing arm curls with a dumbbell. 

Jules lowered the treadmill reducing her speed slowly until it came to a stop. “Yeah, Sam. Positive. I don’t know if I could have gotten through the last couple of weeks without you being my mainstay but I know it’s got to be wearing you down as well. Join the guys for drinks tonight. Hell, I might even join all of you after I visit with my dad for a little while. The last text message I got from James said they were getting ready to move Dad to a regular room once one was available. I’m not going to be locked into their visiting times.”

The truth was he really could use the time to unwind. He loved her and didn’t regret a moment of the time he’d spend by her side through all of this. But she was right, it was wearing him down more than he’d care to admit. Taking this opportunity to unwind with the guys would be good for him, help him to recharge his own batteries so he could better support her when she needed it. 

He set the dumbbell down and as she passed the bench he was sitting on, reached out and snagged her arm, pulling her down onto the bench with him. The others had already finished their workout and the two were alone in the gym. Glancing around to make sure no one was looking their way, he leaned over and kissed her gently. “Promise me you’ll eat something for supper. I get that you don’t tend to eat much when you’re stressed but if you’re going to have a couple of beers with us later, you need something on your stomach.”

She loved that he worried about her but hated that she was making him do so much of it lately. “I will, even if I have to force it down. Now, let’s go. I know I want to grab a shower before heading to the hospital.”

About twenty minutes later she was ready to leave the headquarters. Even knowing that Johnny wouldn’t be working the same shift, she couldn’t help but be hyperaware of every movement as she made her way to the parking lot. Considering the last time she’d worked, she’d come out to find a slashed tire, she checked all around her vehicle before getting in. Before cranking the jeep, she leaned her head against the headrest and took a deep breath. It had felt good, almost normal, being back at work. Now as she was heading to the hospital where her father and her brothers would be waiting, she felt like she was slipping once more into the drama that had taken over her life.

A short drive later, she was pulling into a space at the hospital. She locked up and headed inside, checking her phone for the message James had sent giving her the room number. She almost missed hearing someone call her name as she strode toward the entrance. It took several attempts to get her attention but she finally looked over and saw Ridge sitting on a bench on the other side of the entrance.

She joined him, sitting down beside him and leaning against him. He put an arm around her shoulders. She could tell something was bothering him. “Dad driving you crazy all ready?”

He shrugged. “I guess I just needed some fresh air. Or maybe I just needed a break from James. He’s been on my case all day about getting a better mood before Dad picked up on it. He doesn’t want Dad stressed out about anything while he’s healing.”

She nudged him with her shoulder. “Thanks for sticking up for me last night. I know you are all concerned about me. Talking about what happened though, I just can’t do that. Not yet. Who knows, maybe never.” 

“You must have spent the last twenty years hating me.” Ridge admitted softly. Surprised, Jules looked at him and quickly denied the claim. He shook his head. “No, if I hadn’t been such a chicken shit I could have prevented all this from happening. The guilt was bad enough when I just had to feel responsible for Mom’s death. Now that I know he hurt you… Maybe I should go up there and tell the others what I did; maybe I’ll feel better if they beat the crap out of me.”

Jules closed her eyes. “Ridge, You can’t blame yourself…”

“Can’t I? Damn it, Jules, you called me the day that Dad announced the training seminar was coming up. You and I, we knew how bad Mom’s drinking could get when he was gone and all you wanted was someone there with you as a buffer when it got bad. I told you I couldn’t do it because I had stuff already planned for that week. It was a lie. I just didn’t want the headache. I’d broken free of the drama and I didn’t want to be dragged back into it. Not even for you. If I hadn’t been so selfish, I would have been there instead of Johnny and none of it would have happened.”

“I don’t blame you, Ridge. Didn’t then and I don’t now. I could have just sucked it up and dealt with mom’s problems on my own. But I didn’t. I called Johnny and begged him to come stay. That’s my fault. No one else to blame for that but me. I gave him the means and opportunity to do what he did. I can’t blame you because I know it’s really my fault.”

Ridge twisted on the bench to stare at her. “I knew I was going to regret dropping you on your head when you were a baby. Seriously? You went through seven kinds of hell and still blame yourself? No, way, Squirt. Not going to let you do that.”

Jules forced a smile. “Well, I’m not going to let you blame yourself either so I guess we’re a pair aren’t we? Come on, I promised Sam and the rest of the team that I’d join them after I visit with Dad some.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

“Do I need to set the tent up out here?” 

Sam asked as he let the back door close behind him. He’d been mildly worried when he’d gotten a text from Jules an hour ago that she was too tired to join the team for drinks. He’d sent a text back asking if he should leave but she’d told him to stay and enjoy himself. Even at that, Sam had almost left anyway had Greg not suggested that maybe she needed the time alone to think through everything that was going on. So Sam had stayed and enjoyed a couple more rounds of beer. Greg, who as always acted as designated driver or at least the procurer of safe rides after the team’s nights out, had given him a ride home. The only light in the house as he let himself in had been one downstairs so he’d assumed Jules had already turned in. Her jeep was in the driveway so he knew she was home. He’d locked up and headed straight upstairs only to find the bed empty. A further look around the house had also proven fruitless. He’d been just before going for his phone to call in reinforcements to look for her when something had told him to check the back yard. It had taken several moments for his eyes to adjust to the darkness before he made out her small figure lying in a lounge chair on the back patio. 

She didn’t jump at the sound of his voice but turned on her side and scooted to the side of the chair, giving him room to join her in the lounge chair. He sat down, pulling her into his arms and kissing her. She could taste the beer on his breath. “I’d forgotten how much I love staring up at the night sky. Amazing how different it looks in the city than it did out in the woods. Did you have fun with the guys?”

“Yeah, it was good. How’s your dad?”

“Stubborn as hell. In other words, almost back to normal. Getting him to take it easy is going to be like convincing Spike to go a day without playing with Babycakes. I feel sorry for the nurses who have to take care of him. You thought I was a bad when I was stuck in the hospital; that‘s nothing compared to what Dad‘ll be like.”

Sam winced. “That bad, huh?” Jules punched him lightly in the arm before snuggling back comfortably in his arms. With a smile, Sam kissed the top of her head. “So seriously, why are you out here? Just a desire to do some night watching or were things rough with your dad?”

She didn’t want to have to explain that was something about being in the open night air that kept her from feeling trapped. He was worried enough about her. “It wasn’t too bad. I think, even as stubborn as he is, he knows that he’s too weak to get into any serious discussions. He did kick my brothers out while I was there. Directed me over to his bed to sit beside him so he didn’t have to strain himself so much talking. Said he knew we’d have to really talk about it once he was better but that there were two things he needed to know.” 

_“Jules, you listen and listen to me good. I don’t know what that little twerp is trying to pull. I know half of what he was spewing was nothing but lies but some of it had to be the truth. Two things about what he said concern me and I have to know if they are true or not.”_

_She’d held her breath waiting for him to question her about Johnny’s claim that she’d seduced him._

_“The day after your mother’s murder I went to the morgue. I had to see her for myself. The ME had finished the autopsy and was reading over the toxicology report. He told me that her blood showed high levels of alcohol. I knew she liked to drink but I never wanted to admit to myself or anyone else that she might have a drinking problem. I was a cop and I thought I’d know if she was in trouble. I also knew the two of you were going through some difficulties but I chalked that up to teenage angst. Was Johnny right? Did Margaret hit you?”_

_Tears had filled Jules’s eyes as she reluctantly admitted that her mother had hit her twice but quickly stressed that it had only been twice and really nothing more than a slaps. Jack closed his eyes. He got pale and Jules was afraid the conversation had been too much. Then he opened them again and once more fixed his gaze on his youngest child and only daughter. “What about what Johnny did to you? That was more than slaps, wasn’t it? All these years I’ve wondered what had caused Margaret to call me home early. Did she know Johnny had raped you?”_

Sam had already figured based on his conversation with James and Mark two nights earlier that Jack hadn’t believed the worst of Johnny’s lies but was glad that now Jules had the proof as well. “What did you tell him?”

“Nothing. The nurse came in then with Dad’s medication and then the boys came back in. He didn’t get another chance to talk to me about it. I know it’s only a matter of time but at least I got a little reprieve. 

They sat in silence for several minutes. Sam was pretty sure there was something more bothering Jules, something that had brought her out to the all encompassing darkness. Still, he wouldn’t press, allowing her to decide how much she wanted to share and when she was ready to do so. 

“We went bowling the night before he killed my mom. Johnny and me. One of the guys who worked there, one who’d worked with my father, accused Johnny of checking out my backside; he thought the two of us were on a date and didn’t think my dad would approve. I’ve thought about that a lot over the years. Geoff hadn’t met my uncle before but he recognized what he was doing. How did I miss it? Now as a cop, I can look back and see other things he did that should have screamed how wrong it was but I missed it. Maybe if I’d picked up on something, said something to someone, he wouldn’t have been able to do what he did, to me or to Mom.”

Sam closed his eyes taking in any morsel of information that she was comfortable slowly doling out like a shipwreck survivor rationing the last remaining available food. “Why would you suspect him of being capable of hurting you or your mom the way he did? He’s your uncle. You should have been able to trust him.”

Again she was silent for a while. “I didn’t fight him. I should have. I could have. God knows I learned how to fight hard and dirty growing up with four older brothers. I just let him do all these horrible things to me and I didn’t fight back. What does that say about me?”

Sam used one hand to lift her chin so she had to look at him. “It doesn’t say anything, Jules. You were a kid, he was an adult. And if the size difference between the two of you now is anything like it was twenty years ago, he had the advantage there as well. Not fighting back wasn’t a way of saying you wanted or liked what he did to you but that you didn’t want to risk getting hurt worse. Sometimes it’s safer not to fight back. You know that.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jules agreed reluctantly. Sam released her chin and she tucked her head into the space between his head and shoulder. “I’m tired of being his victim. It’s not just because he’s out of jail and suddenly everything is being thrown in my face like it just happened. The truth is I never stopped being his victim. I tried to convince myself that I had because it doesn’t run my life but it does. Maybe not in everything I do but it certainly has control over my love life. What he did to me; what he made me do to him has stayed with me for twenty years. Affected how I’m intimate with men. Every since he hurt me, I’ve been afraid to let any guy get too close because I didn’t want to get hurt again.”

“You haven’t pushed me away.” Sam reminded her.

“Yeah I did. I realized how invested you were in us when you stuck by me after I was shot. It scared me, maybe even more than any other relationship I’d had, and the only way I could deal with that fear is to push you away. That’s why I broke things off; I just used fear of losing my spot on the team as an excuse. I just didn’t count on being so hopelessly in love with you that I couldn’t stay away.” 

“Okay, I’ll give you that one but you aren’t pushing me away this time. You’re letting me in and that’s a huge step to not being his victim any more. Like I told you before, there’s no timetable in all of this. I know things have been crazy the last couple of weeks with the idea that he was released and that‘s made it more prominent in your life but we‘re okay. Our relationship is solid and I‘m not going anywhere. You push me away now and I‘m pulling you along with me.” 

Jules lightly ran her fingers over his broad chest, allowing the feel of his tight solid muscles beneath the tips of her fingers to relax her and make her feel secure. “I just want to be normal.”

Sam picked up the hand that was caressing his chest and kissed her knuckles. “What’s normal, anyway? In my book you are so far above normal that it’s crazy.”

“You know what I mean.” Jules accused. “I want a normal sex life. I want you to be able to touch me where you want to touch me and kiss me where you want to kiss me. I don’t want to freeze up if something happens that reminds me of what of what he did to me.”

He shifted in the lounge chair so that she was lying completely in the lounger with him hovering just above her. His arms rested on either side of her, keeping his weight from crushing her. “Have I ever complained about our sex life?” She shook her head. He could feel her heart beating wildly even with the little bit of distance between his body and hers. He didn’t want to frighten her but sensed she needed this, needed to unequivocally know where he stood on the subject. “I told you the last time you worried about what you wouldn’t let me do-- and that was before I ever had an inkling about what happened to you-- that it’s only pleasurable for me if it’s pleasurable for you. Okay? Nothing’s going to change that.”

“But I want it to be pleasurable to me.” Jules insisted. “I know what we have isn’t normal; I see the movies and I’ve heard girls talk in high school and college. I know there’s supposed to be more to sex than what I allow you and it’s wrong that I can’t give you that, that I can’t accept it back from you. He stole that from me before I could ever experience it in a good way and I want it back.”

Sam lowered his head to kiss her, his tongue darting over her lips until she parted them and allowed him entrance. As he kissed her, he shifted his position on the chair once more so that he was the one lying on his back and Jules was on top of him crushed against him with his arms tightly holding her to him. He kissed her until they were both out of breath. 

She rested her head on his chest and he could feel something wet on his t-shirt. He sighed. “Jules, what happened to you was so far opposite of what is fair it kills me. Your introduction to sex should have either been with a guy equally inexperienced so that the two of you fumble about awkwardly and figure out what goes where and who does what together. Barring that you should have had an experienced lover who patiently and lovingly helped you to discover how beautiful and special sex could be. You’re right, he took that from you and that might have been the worst part of the hurt he caused you. I’d give anything to be able to give that back to you.”

He continued to hold her saddened to feel his shirt getting wetter and wetter with her silent tears. He knew she was hurting from all the constant dredging up of painful memories. He also could recognize her frustration at not being able to dismiss all that pain just because she’d decided she’d had enough of being his victim. She was an impatient and demanding person, more so on herself than anyone else. Logical or not, she expected immediate results when she set her mind to something. He’d give anything if he could magically make this all better for her. But all he could really do is be there when she needed to vent and offer his support. 

“Which did you have?” Jules murmured into his shirt several minutes later. 

It took Sam a moment to work out what she was asking; he smiled, almost grimacing with the memory. “Definitely the first one. We were both sixteen and had the teenage hormones flowing enough to be head over heals in lust. It was definitely awkward and clumsy and a wonder we ever figured out how to get tab a into slot b. We broke about four condoms before we ever got one to work right. We were together for three months before the lust wore off and I don‘t think the two of us ever figured out exactly what we should be doing but we were too inexperienced to even know it.”

Jules tried to picture Sam as ever being awkward or clumsy in bed. She couldn’t do it. She lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “I have an easier time picturing you as the experienced lover.”

Sam smirked and kissed her. “In later years, yeah, sure there were times I was a girl‘s first lover, especially in college. Probably strained the definition of patient a time or two. But definitely not the first time out of the gate.”

Jules took a deep breath, grateful for the darkness that would hide the blush that she was sure had colored her cheeks and ears a deep red. “Could you teach me?”

Sam ran his fingers through her brown hair that was hanging loosely around her face. He wished there was more light so he could really gauge the look in her eyes. “Jules, what are you asking?”

“I told you I don’t want to be his victim any more. I’ve spent too many years avoiding certain aspects of enjoying intimacy. I know I can’t change what happened to me but maybe I can start over. Other women who’ve been hurt manage it; why not me? I want you to teach me how to do that.” 

Sam sucked in his breath realizing the enormity of what she was asking of him. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

She nodded, her eyes drying but twinkling with the moisture still left in them. “I’ve never been as sure of anything. I trust you completely. You won’t hurt me.”

“Okay, but on three conditions. One, we’re going to take it slow; we’re not going to conquer all your fears in one night or even in a couple of nights and we aren‘t even going to try. Two, we don’t use our bed; this isn’t going to be as easy as I think you think it will be and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in our bed. And third, if you feel uncomfortable, if it’s ever too much for any reason, you say the word and we stop immediately. Not forever but until another night when you feel comfortable enough to try again.”

She edged off the lounger and stood, holding her hand out to him. He took it and let her tug him to a standing position. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “We going somewhere?”

Jules nodded. “The bed in the spare bedroom should do nicely for a classroom, don’t you think? Gotta suggestion for a code word?”

He turned her so she was facing him. “Now? You want to do this now?”

Jules nodded emphatically. “You know me when it comes to projects. I throw myself into it whole-heartedly. Just consider this Project Fix Jules.”

She turned to lead him into the house but Sam refused to budge. He pulled her back to him. “Jules, you aren’t some project. Not to me not ever.”

Even in the dark, there was no mistaking the love radiating his eyes. Jules swallowed hard and nodded. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his softly. “Take me upstairs. Please..”

This time when she tried to lead him back inside, he willingly followed.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Silently the couple made their way upstairs, bypassing the bedroom they shared together and continuing down the hall to the guest bedroom. Sam closed the door behind them as Jules turned on the bedside lamp, bathing the room in soft light. She toed off her shoes and turned to look at him. He could feel the nervousness rolling off her like waves and he stepped closer holding her lightly in his arms. 

“Jules, are you sure you want to do this tonight? There’s no rush, we have all the time in the world.”

“I’ve already wasted twenty years of my life being afraid. I’m sure.”

Sam nodded, letting his arm drop down to caress her arm. “I’d love for this to be a complete start over for you. Pretend you’re still a virgin and nothing bad had ever happened to you. But I can’t because you’re not and it did. We can’t ignore what he did to you. You’ve got to be prepared that you might have to be honest with me about the details of how he hurt you. Not all at once; I wouldn’t put you through that. Can you handle that?”

Jules took in a shaky breath. “I’ll try.” 

“You’ll say the word if you need me to stop?” Sam knew he was procrastinating but he wanted to make sure she was okay with what they were doing. 

“As soon as you tell me what the word is.” Jules promised. 

With a frown Sam shook his head, “I was thinking of the word stop. Kind of makes sense doesn’t it?”

She shook her head. “You’re condition said that if I said the word you’d stop completely. What if I just need a moment not a complete ending? What about the world walrus. If I say walrus you’ll know I’m not okay and we’ve got to stop immediately and I won’t get upset. Anything else, we can talk about. Sound fair?”

Sam nodded but raised an eyebrow. “Why walrus?”

She shrugged. “I can’t think of a single reason that world would naturally come up while we’re making love, can you?”

“Walrus it is then.” He lowered her gently to a sitting position on the side of the bed and sat beside her. He could still feel her nervous energy and knew he needed to do something to relax her. “Whenever we do this, I won’t do anything without telling you what I’m planning and giving you a chance to say no. Don’t feel like you have to try anything that makes you too uncomfortable. This is all about making you feel better about being intimate, not scared. The control of what happens in here is yours. I’m just going to start of kissing you. Nothing we haven’t done a million times since we’ve been together. I won’t go any further until I think you’re ready. Okay?”

She nodded and almost immediately Sam’s lips met hers. She loved kissing Sam; he had a way of making her not care if she ever took another breath so long as his lips stayed on hers. Their tongues met and danced around each other. As he started to feel her relax, his lips left her and blazed a trail along her jaw line and down to the nape of her neck. She couldn’t help but moan in pleasure at the talent of his lips. His hands stayed almost completely stationary, one hand on the small of her back and the other cupping the back of her head guiding it into the positions he wanted her in to grant him easy access to places to kiss. He left the nape of her neck and slid forward to kiss the little dip in her throat between her clavicles. Then he pulled back. 

“You want to take your shirt off?” He asked huskily. 

She stiffened and he recognized her discomfort immediately. “He made you undress yourself didn’t he?” She nodded and he kissed her again., his hand that had been at the back of her head trailing down to the top button. “It’s okay. I’ll do it for you. Just relax.”

He expertly made short work of each button using only the one hand. Then he used both hands to push the material off her shoulders, leaving her in just her bra from the waist up. She shivered and bit her bottom lip. Seeing it, he kissed her again, working the lip away from her punishing teeth. “You are so absolutely perfectly beautiful.” He assured her once he released her mouth again. “I’m going to take your bra off as well, okay?”

She nodded and soon the cotton material joined her shirt on the bed. He moved them away and lowered her gently back until she was laying on the bed on top of the covers. He kicked his shoes off, the only apparel he planned to shed for this. He stared at her breasts, feeling himself growing hard at the sight of the them. Her eyes were closed tightly against his penetrating gaze. Her bare chest allowed for nothing to hide the fact that her heart was racing and her breathing uneven. 

Again he paused, waiting to see if it was going to be too much. She said nothing but slowly opened her eyes when he wasn’t touching her in any way. He reached up and brushed her hair from her eyes. “Jules, what is it you’re scared of when it comes to your breasts? Tell me what he did to you here?”

“It hurt. A lot. He squeezed them like he was juicing a lemon. I had finger sized bruises all over them when he was finished. I thought he was going to tear off my nipples with his fingers the way he twisted and pulled on them.” She broke off, obviously needing to say more but unable to voice it at the moment. 

It was okay with Sam, it at least gave him enough to work with. He reached down and took one of her hands in his own. “Jules, your breasts are so beautiful. They deserve to be touched and showered with attention but it shouldn’t be painful. I only know what I’ve been told and what I’ve witnessed but most women find it arousing to be touched there. I want you to know that feeling. I going to guide your hand and tell you what to do but your going to do it. That way you control how comfortable you are.”

Jules frowned. “You aren’t going to touch me?”

Sam leaned forward and kissed the nape of her neck again. “I will but only after you get used to your own touch. Are you okay with this?” 

She nodded, finding she had to concentrate on breathing as she could feel herself on the verge of hyperventilating. He brought her hand up and placed it over her breast. He lightly squeezed her hand so that it slightly closed around her breast to slightly knead the soft flesh without it hurting. He continued moving his hand over hers so that she was gently stimulating her breast. Once again her eyes were tightly closed but her breathing had settled slightly, He nudged her thumb moving it so that it flicked across her nipple, causing it to harden into a small peak. Her eyes flew open at the sensation As he worked her hand over the soft mound, alternating between using it to knead the soft flesh and circling her thumb around the nipple, he leaned down trailing kisses along her bare shoulder blade. He positioned her forefinger and thumb on either side of her nipped and gently pressed them towards each other creating just the slightest pinch on the nipple. 

She arched suddenly off the bed, her mouth and eyes opening wide. Immediately Sam released her fingers watching her carefully. “Bad?”

She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. Sam smiled. “You liked that didn’t you?”

She nodded, whimpering just a little. He returned his fingers to hers, manipulating them around her nipple in ways he knew from experienced were pleasurable. Always, he left the control of how hard her fingers came together on the sensitive nub with her. He continued his ministrations with her hand on the one breast for several more minutes before stilling his actions. 

“I’m going to switch breasts now. This time I want your hand to guide mine. Only you know what you really liked that we did to your other breast. Use your hand or tell me what you want me to do. You still have the control here.” 

Her movements were awkward and choppy but it was okay. It was enough to let him know what it was she wanted and he reciprocated. Again when he first pinched the nipple between his finger and thumb, she arched off the bed. Her hand that had been on his flew to the bedspread beside her and she dug in drawing the material into her fist. 

He was tempted to use his other hand to slip beneath her shorts to touch the crotch of her panties. He had a feeling she was getting wet there with arousal. But he refrained. They were taking this slow and intimate touches there would have to wait until some other night. 

“Jules, I’d like to kiss you here.” He emphasized the word here by flicking his thumb over her nipple. 

She lifted her head off the pillow to look at him, her fright evident. A tear ran down her cheek and he quickly reached up to wipe it away. 

“Jules, what scares you about that idea? We can talk about it.”

“Please don’t bite me.” Her voice was small, almost childlike as she pleaded. She closed her eyes once again and several more tears slipped past her lids. 

Sam rested his head on her forehead and thumbed away the tears. “Jules, look at me.” 

She shook her head, refusing to look at him, not wanting to see the disappointment she was sure in his eyes. This had been her idea and here she was wigging out at just the suggestion of what he wanted to do. She’d told him she trusted him but how could he believe her given her reactions?

“Jules, open your eyes.” His tone was firm but without anger. He trailed one hand down to lightly press his thumb into her nipple hoping the gentle pressure would coax her into looking at him. When she still didn’t open her eyes he sighed. “Okay, it’s okay, Sweetheart. I’m not going to bite. I’m just going to kiss you all over your breasts, much like I was kissing your neck earlier. Eventually I’ll tease your nipple much like I was just doing only this time I’ll use my tongue instead of my fingers. You’re still in control. If you don’t want to try this, tell me and I’ll just keep touching you. There’s no hurry in this. It’s all okay.”

He waited to see how she would react and slowly she opened her eyes and eyed him carefully. She drew in a shaky breath. “No biting?”

He knew it wasn’t that she didn’t trust him but that she couldn’t completely shake the memory of what he did to her. If it took constant reassurances to help her past that fear, then he would do it. “No biting. Promise.”

Eventually, she nodded. Sam began his kisses with her neck, something he knew she liked. Slowly he made his way down lower, planting first pecks of kisses all over both breasts. As she seemed to relax into his kisses, he changed from pecks to open mouth kisses swirling his tongue over skin. 

He was encouraged by how well she was accepting his ministrations. Perhaps this wasn’t going to be as difficult as he feared. At least not where this was concerned. Feeling emboldened by his successes, he lowered his mouth over her left nipple. 

The change was immediate, her body grew rigid beneath him. Her hands grabbed his arms and her fingernails dug into his skin.

“No. Stop. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus.”

It didn’t even take him to hear the word stop before he pulled back and stepped completely away from the bed. Immediately she rolled over on the bed, burying her bare chest into the covers. Her shoulders were shaking but he didn’t think she was crying. 

It was then that Sam realized they had never discussed what should happen next if she had to use the watch word. He stopped, no questions asked, just like he promised but what did he do now? Did he try to comfort her or leave her alone completely. He stood there, uncertain what he should do. 

“I’m sorry. Sam, I’m sorry.” Jules sat up, pulling the pillow from beneath the covers and hugging it to her bare chest. 

He returned to the bed, sitting near her but careful to keep a little distance. He reached out and touched her cheek. “It’s okay, Sweetheart. It’s really okay. It’s not like we didn’t know going into this that there would be difficulties. For our first time to try this, you did great.”

“Hold me?” 

She didn’t have to ask twice. He slid closer to her and took her in his arms, lightly kissing her temple. Slowly she relaxed in his arms, her early fears subsiding. “We’ll try again, right?”

“Yeah, Sweetheart. We’ll try again. Just not tonight. But yeah, we’ll keep trying for as long as you want or need.”


	25. Chapter 25

“I think this is the first time we’ve been alone since the day after my surgery.” Jack Callaghan commented as he tried without success to get his bed adjusted to the position he really wanted. “You haven’t been hiding behind your brothers and that fellow of yours to avoid talking to me, have you?”

Jules rolled her eyes as she grabbed an extra pillow from the closet and motioned her father to lean forward as she placed it behind his back and pushed him back against it. He smiled as he realized it was the comfortable position he was looking for. Jules pulled the stand holding his supper tray in front of him; the whole reason he’d been adjusting the bed in the first place. She sat down on the bed with the tray between her and her father as he removed the warming lid from the plate. He wrinkled his nose at the bland looking piece of baked fish, the mixture of peas and carrots, and barely there dinner roll that waited there for him. He looked away from the unappetizing dinner to look at his youngest. 

“So, have you been?”

“No, Dad. It’s just been the way our schedules have worked out that I’ve been getting here to visit about the same time as James and Peter. No great conspiracy going on except that we’re all worried about you and want to visit after work. A little thing like a major heart attack and a double bypass surgery a week ago tends to bring trait out in us. Are you going to eat that or do I have to force feed you?”

He wagged his finger at her in warning. “Watch it, Julianna. I may not be at the top of my game right now but I can still take you over my knee. I think they saved my life just to slowly kill me with the food. I’ll make you a deal, you run out and pick me up a big thick juicy cheeseburger and a large helping of fries and I promise you I’ll eat every bite. Hell, you do that and I’ll even promise to eat that stupid cup of jell-o for dessert.”

Jules smiled, glad to see that her father was well down the road to recovery compared to what he’d been just a week earlier. “I think greasy cheeseburgers and fries are off your menu for a while. I know its not the fish and chips you’re more accustomed to eating but it can’t be that bad.”

He raised his eyebrow and picked up his fork. He used the side of the utensil to break off a small bite of the fish before he speared it with the tines of the works and held it out to Jules insisting she try it. She took the bite and immediately wondered if there was a way to keep from having to actually swallow it. Instead, she forced it down and took a long drink from his water pitcher. “Okay, seriously? I’ve heard of chefs getting their arms bumped while cooking and adding too much seasoning but did they even put any in that fish?”

He shook his head. “Apparently certain really good seasonings aren’t on the heart healthy diet. They give me that substitute in a little packet but it doesn’t really help.”

Jules frowned and reached for her cell phone and chose a number from her most recent contacts. She waited as it rang twice and then a voice picked up. “James? Jules. Mark get off okay?” Now that Jack was doing so much better Mark had decided it was safe to return home. James had volunteered to drive him to the airport. Ridge had left two days ago, unable to take off any more time from his own job. “Great, you think you can run an errand on your way back to the hospital?” She shot her father a quick wink as her eldest brother answered in the affirmative. “Awesome. Dad needs something to eat that has flavor but won’t undo all the hard work the doctor’s have done putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Doesn’t that take-out place we’ve eaten from a few times have a heart-healthy menu?” She listened for a few minutes, thanked him and ended the call. “James will call once he knows what they offer to see what you want.”

Jack frowned, “Told you what I want. I want a cheeseburger and fries, stubborn daughter of mine.”

“Well, I want to have you around for many more years, stubborn father of mine. So, we’re going to go with what the doctor recommends, got it?” Jules indicated the tray between them. “You want to snack on any of that until James gets here? I know the ‘stupid cup of jell-o’ isn’t a favorite but that angle food cake doesn’t look too bad.”

Jack shook his head and pushed the stand out of the way. “I’ll wait. You do realize I’m going to be released from this hellhole in a few days and it’s going to be a lot harder for you to bully me into eating rabbit food or whatever else is on that idiotic list that doctor gave you.” 

Jules leaned forward and planted a kiss on her father’s cheek. “Yeah, well, don’t underestimate my ability to bully. I have my ways. Your idea of cooking is bellying up to the counter of a restaurant. I’m a cop and if I have to, I’ll post your picture in every restaurant in the surrounding area and make sure they don’t allow you to order anything that’s not on that idiotic list. Don’t think I won’t do it either.”

“Cheeky little brat.” Her father groused good-naturedly. “Back to the fact that this is the first time we’ve been alone. We need to talk.”

She’d known this was a good possibility after a round of text messages that afternoon had shown that she was going to be the only stopping by for the early evening. Ridge was back in the Hat, Mark was flying out with James dropping him off at the airport before heading to the hospital, and Peter was tied up at his office working to finish a big proposal he’d been putting off to the last minute by spending so much time at the hospital. Even Sam had plans for the night, finally setting up a dinner meeting with the General since their work schedule had been so crazy lately to set up something for lunch. Had this been earlier in the week, the thought of her father saying they needed to talk would have sent her into a tailspin of emotion. Now, a full week into her pledge to herself that she was going to stop being Johnny Dawson’s victim, she could hear those words with only a slight fluttering of her heart. 

“Johnny’s trying to cause trouble. I guess I’m not surprised. Not like I expected anything better from the little chicken shit. I swear if I wasn’t stuck in this damn hospital bed, I’d teach him a lesson or two.”

Jules frowned. She’d expected the conversation to revolve around Johnny’s past misdeeds, not current ones. After he’d shown up in at the hospital the day before her father’s surgery, he hadn’t tried to make any other contact. Sarge hadn’t been able to swing a restraining order; there wasn’t enough proof that one was needed to warrant a judge issuing one. Instead, Greg had been keeping a close check on Johnny when it came to work. Johnny hadn’t made any further attempts to see her or harass her and as far as they knew hadn’t come close to the floor SRU was housed on since being moved to the night shift. “Has he been here? Spike set it up with hospital security to ensure he wasn’t supposed to be able to come inside.”

Jack shook his head. “He hasn’t been here, the fact that he’s still alive should attest to that. No, the trouble he’s trying has been a little more long distance. I got Peter to go by my place to check on things, yesterday. While he was there, he picked up my charger for the cell. Damn thing’s been dead since I got in this room. I know the paramedics were a little preoccupied trying to save my life but you’d think someone would have thought to turn it off so the battery wouldn’t drain.” Jules sat back patiently until he finished his venting and continued with the story. “Anyway, the phone charged back up over night and I saw that I had several calls from Bard.”

Bard Jenkins had worked with her father until the Callaghan patriarch had left the Hat to move to Toronto. The two men had remained close friends in the years that have followed and had even made a few deep sea fishing trips together to enjoy their retirement. 

“How’s he doing?” Jules asked. She liked Bard, had appreciated in ways she couldn’t have voiced with how gentle he’d treated her in the weeks that had followed her mother’s death. 

“Worried. He was calling me because he’d gotten a call from the prosecutor. It happens from time to time even though he’s retired if something comes up from one of his old cases, usually the cold cases but sometimes a question comes up about a closed one as well.”

Suddenly Jules knew where the conversation was going. “Let me guess, Johnny is trying to change his story about what happened the night he killed Mom.”

Jack nodded, watching her carefully. “Yeah, he is. Prosecutors get calls all the time from convicted murders trying to finagle a way out of the conviction. Usually the prosecutor takes the information, compares it to the evidence in the case file, and as it usually proves fruitless, dismisses the call as a desperate attempt. This prosecutor is new and gung-ho and probably dug a little more into the case than a more seasoned prosecutor would. “

Jules slipped off the bed and moved to the couch so she could stare blindly out of the window. “I guess the accusation that involves the person chosen as Lawperson of the Year raises some attention. Especially when the accusation alleges that at sixteen she seduced her uncle into killing her mother.”

Her words were said so dispassionately that it scared Jack more than if she’d gotten upset. Jack threw back the covers and raised the top of the bed while lowering the foot so that he could easier swing his legs over the side and stand. He moved to the couch and sat down next to this daughter. Worry was evident in the lines around his eyes. “Jules, how did you know what he’s saying?”

She turned her head so that she was looking at her father. “It wasn’t much of a stretch. After all, it’s the same story he told you, isn’t it?”

Jack nodded. He’d never wanted to tell her the full extent of the conversation he’d had with Johnny Dawson the day of his heart attack. “I didn’t believe him, Jules. Hell, no one who knew you would. You might have given me more than a few of these gray hairs during your teenage years, especially at the height of your rebellious faze, but even at your worst I couldn’t see you using your body in the way he was suggesting. It never occurred to me that what he was suggesting was anything but another attempt on his part to cause pain, especially to you.”

Hearing her father’s unwavering support meant everything to Jules. Still, she couldn’t dismiss all of her concerns outright. She puffed up her cheeks with frustrated air and blew it out, as if it could dismiss all the bad feelings with it. “So should I start making plans to have to stay with Ridge in the Hat in order to answer to charges?”

Jack shook his head. “Originally, it sounded like the prosecutor was planning to do just that. But I told you no one who knew you would believe it. Bard told him there was no way it happened the way Johnny claimed it did. He told the prosecutor that if he’d seen how traumatized you’d been when the police arrived that night he would know you had nothing to do with it. Bard said eventually the prosecutor agreed to let the matter drop, the case was closed and it would do no good to dredge up bad memories based only on a claim by a desperate convicted murderer. The only reason why Bard even called to tell me about it was because he’s afraid that Johnny might try something worse. The only reason I’m telling you about it now is that I’m worried about it as well.”

Jules’s cell phone rang and she glanced down at the caller ID. “James,” she explained as she flipped the phone open. “Hey.” She listened and then covered the mouthpiece. “Grilled chicken or baked fish?”

“Grilled cheeseburger.” Jack tried once more to get his way but Jules just continued to stare at him waiting for a real answer. He sighed. “Chicken I guess. Although I’d prefer that breaded and fried or at least bar-b-qued. Maybe buffalo wings.”

Jules rolled her eyes and moved her hand away from the receiver. “Go with the chicken. See you soon.” She closed the phone again. “You are incorrigible.”

“You’re a hard ass but I love you anyway.”

Jules shifted so that she leaning against him, his arms wrapped around her. ‘Dad, I’m sorry for all those gray hairs I gave you.”

He shrugged. “I’d have had them anyway eventually. Besides you didn’t cause them all. Your brothers contributed their fair share as well. I’m just sorry I didn’t see your acting out back then as a cry for help. I mean I knew it was but just not the way I was thinking. Maybe if I had, things would have been easier for you. Couldn’t have been easy growing up with that kind of secret eating away at you, not having another female around that you could talk to. Maybe if Barbara had lived you would have eventually confided in her.”

Jules chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully. “We’ll never know thanks to me.”

His brow furrowed, Jack shook his head. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Barbara committed suicide, how would that be thanks to you?”

One of the things Jules had come to realize in the last couple of weeks was that it was better to speak out her fears rather than try to keep it bottled up inside. Some things she still found too difficult to open up about but she was at least trying. “I was so ugly to her about how close the two of you were getting. It’s my fault she killed herself.”

Jack snorted derisively. “Someone’s got a mighty high opinion of herself. Is that what you really think? Have you blamed yourself for her death all these years? You couldn’t be further from the truth. Yeah, your words upset her but she understood where you coming from. It upset her because we’d given you the idea that something romantic was building between us when it wasn’t. She was just a good friend; someone I could confide in when I was missing your mama so much. She suggested that we shouldn’t see each other so much, even if it was innocent, if it upset you so much.”

Jules shook her head. “But then why?”

“You remember how sick Beth’s grandmother was a couple of years before your mom died?

Jules nodded. She couldn’t remember what the diagnosis was but she remembered how caring for the older woman had been extremely difficult for both Barbara and Beth. She also remembered Barbara commenting once that as much as it hurt to lose her mother, her death was in some ways a blessing as it enable the woman to escape the pain and misery her life had become. She remembered going to the funeral with her parents and overhearing Barbara tell her mother that she’d rather have a fast painless death rather than put Beth through having to take care of her the way they’d had to take care of her mother. 

“Was Barbara sick?”

Jack nodded. “She got the diagnosis the day before she killed herself. I’m sure she didn’t expect Beth to follow so quickly in her footsteps. She was just trying to spare herself and her daughter the pain and misery of a long, protracted illness. But no, Jules, you weren’t to blame, not in the slightest.”

Once again Jules was starting to see that fears that had weighed her down for some many years could be based on false believes and feelings that she’d convinced herself were true.

The hospital door opened and James stepped inside carrying a large bag from the take-out restaurant. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Not if you brought me food.” Jack assured him. Jules eyed the three containers in the bag James carried in. 

“How much food did you get?”

James shrugged. “I had a feeling you probably hadn’t eaten so I picked us both up a meal as well.”

Jack frowned. “If either of you is eating something better than me, I will take it from you and don’t think I’m not strong enough to do so.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
After eating their suppers, all of which were the grilled chicken plates, the three Callaghans sat around the hospital room. There was a game on the TV and they thought the nurses were going to come in and complain about the noise level. All of the Callaghans were vocal in their support of their teams but when, as was the case with this game, they were divided in their support, they could get obnoxiously loud. Since the team Jules and Jack supported was playing very well, much better than the other team whom James supported., they were enjoying rubbing in their victory to James. He took it good naturedly though, grateful to know that his father was recovering and happy to see his sister looking relaxed and unbothered by recent events.

Before the game was over however, it became obvious that Jack was getting over tired. James and Jules said goodnight and left the hospital room. Once in the elevator, which Jules only took because she couldn’t convince her brother to take the stairs, James looked at his sister. “Are you putting on an Oscar worthy performance or you really doing okay?”

Jules leaned against the wall of the elevator. “All my problems haven’t disappeared if that’s what your asking. But I’m not putting on some sort of brave face either. I won’t lie, Johnny’s release from prison and the things that happened directly after threw me for a loop. I lost my footing and I was spiraling into some sort of dark place and becoming someone I didn’t like. But Sam’s been amazing and knowing I have you and the rest of the family on my side helped. I feel like I’m back on solid ground and maybe even starting to regain some of what I lost before. “

James reached out and tweaked her nose as the door opened. “I’m glad. Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

Jules snorted. “Seriously? Whatever. I’m the cop remember? I should be walking you to your car.”

“That’ll be the day.” James protested. “Come on, Jules, let me be the big brother and walk you to your car.”

Jules stopped just inside the hospital door. “Where are you parked?”

“South lot.”

Jules shook her head. “I’m in the north lot and there’s no reason for you to go so far out of your way to walk me to mine when I’m perfectly capable of taking care of my self. Seriously, I’ll be fine.”

It wouldn’t be the first time that Rock met Hard Place when it came to a test of stubborn wills between Jules and James. It was never a sure bet who was going to win whatever war they locked horns over. But this was one battle Jules was determined to win. She would have taken offense at the notion she needed someone to walk her across a well-lit parking lot to her car as if she were helpless even if she wasn’t a cop trained to protect herself and others. After a stare down that threatened to last for forever, James finally shrugged. “Fine, suit yourself.”

To show there were no hard feelings, he leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Love you, Squirt, even if you are the most hard-headed person I’ve ever seen.”

She grinned back up at him. “Hadn’t been looking in the mirror lately, huh?”

He swatted her ass as she walked out of the hospital. She laughed as she made her way away from the building. Her keys were in her hand but as she walked across the parking lot, her thoughts were several miles away. She was looking forward to getting home. She was sure it had been a difficult evening for Sam; it was never easy for him to spend extended time with the General. She wanted to be able to spend some quality time with the man that she loved, be able to return some of the attention he’d given her by listening to his night. 

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t also hoping they could spend a little time in the spare bedroom before retiring to their own bed. They’d only made two attempts to work past her insecurities in the week since she’d first asked him to help her. The first had obviously not ended well, her crying out their code word as his mouth had closed around her nipple. Their second attempt still had Sam concentrating on helping her enjoy attention being paid to her breasts. While she was starting to find pleasure in his hands touching her, she’d still tensed up when he’d moved from touching to kissing the small mounds. She hadn’t called out the code word but Sam had still brought their time to a close saying he’d rather not push her to the point of being uncomfortable. She’d tried to protest but he’d silenced her with a kiss, telling her not to worry. 

To prove his point, he’d stood and undressed before helping her out of the rest of her clothes. They’d made love in that bed, Sam not pressing any attentions on her that she’d hadn’t always demonstrated comfort with. But somehow it had felt different, better than it ever had before. Almost as if some weight was being lifted off her. Afterward, he’d carried her to their bed where they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

Jules felt flushed just thinking about it now as she put her key in the driver’s side of the jeep. From the time she’d finally allowed a guy to take her across that final sexual step, sex was something she could enjoy in the moment so long as it was on her terms but not really something she thought about outside of the bedroom. Sam had been the first guy to really awaken a desire in her she hadn’t known existed inside her. But that was still nothing compared to how she was starting to feel now that he was helping to take down the barriers preventing her from truly finding the woman she could have been all along if it hadn’t been for Johnny Dawson. 

Before she could get into her jeep, a figure emerged from the shadows, sauntering closer without seemingly a care in the world. She couldn’t help the sudden flash of fear as he stepped into the light.

“Hey there, Little JAC. How’s your daddy doing?”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains an extended ending not posted at fanfiction.net. These scenes are not something I'm used to writing so I hope it comes across okay.

Jules’s eyes narrowed as Johnny Dawson approached. Her hand tightened in reflex against the frame of the open car door. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged. “Had a little time before I had to report to work. Thought I’d stop by and check on Jack. Didn’t get too far with that idea. Seems I’m person non-grata in the hospital.”

Jules shrugged, nonchalantly. “Not really my problem. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get home.”

He stepped closer to her, closing the gap so that it was possible for her to smell his aftershave although not so close as he was touching her. “Of course the great Julianna Callaghan doesn’t have any problems at all, does she? She just gets someone to take care of them for her. Mommy can’t handle her liquor and gests a little mean. No problem, just get ole UJ to run interference. Sweet little innocent kitten is threatened. No problem, UJ will save her. Dirty little secrets are in danger of being exposed. No problem, UJ will sacrifice his freedom. Mean ole UJ gets a job in the same building. No problem, the great and powerful Parker will get his schedule changed. Somebody slashes your tire. No problem, boyfriend will grunt and make a few threats without any proof of who was really responsible. Mean old uncle tries to set the record straight. No problem, security will keep him at bay. Look around JAC, nobody around to take care of your problems for you this time. Whatever will you do?”

Jules snorted but didn’t turn her head. “I don’t see any problems around here.”

“Really? I can imagine you might find several problems once everyone knows how easy you spread your legs for me so I’d save you from what your mother was doing to you. Maybe if you spread them again I can be convinced to make this all go away.”

Did he really believe what he was saying? Was he that sick that he thought she’d offer him her body in order to silence him? Jules set her jaw, inwardly her stomach was clenching and turning at his words but outwardly her revulsion didn‘t show. “Not necessary. Nobody believes your lies, Johnny. You’ve peddled them without success to too many people. Dad didn’t believe you. The prosecutor in Alberta didn’t believe you. My dad, my brothers, Sam, they all know the truth and they still love me. Nobody believes you.”

“I wouldn’t be so quick to say nobody. There are always those willing to believe the worst about anybody. You’ll see.“ With those words, he stepped even closer so that he was almost flush against her. The jeep was against her back but she didn’t cower at his close proximity. He reached forward and brushed against the side of her face with the back of his hand. Though she wanted to, she didn’t flinch and instead took calm cleansing breaths to calm her heart rate. 

“So beautiful. Time’s been good to you, JAC. I think I told you before that while I might have thought you were beautiful at sixteen, you’re nothing but gorgeous now. Your skin is so soft. At least the skin on your face is. What about the rest of you? Is the rest of your body this soft? I bet you rub some sort of good smelling lotion all over your body every day before you get dressed. Maybe you even let Golden Boy help you with it. I’d bet he’d do anything you wanted. He had that look about him. Looking at you like he could eat you up right there. Can’t say I blame him. I know just how good you taste.”

“You’ve got a choice, Johnny. You can either step back on your own free will or I’ll make you.”

He took two steps backward and put his hands in his pockets, making the bulge in the front of his pants seem more pronounced. Everything about his stance, his voice, his closeness was supposed to frighten her, send her cowering into his control. He smiled, the expression predatory. “Still so feisty. Tell me, do you still like it rough? If Golden Boy doesn’t do it right for you, I can give him a few pointers. Maybe even let him watch where I can show him how it should be done. Might be a little rusty though. Twenty years without the pleasure of a woman is a long time. You can’t imagine how hard prison can be. No female contact. I had to rely on my memories of our time together for any relief and release. You have no idea how many times thinking about the way you felt and tasted got me through those long, lonely night. Why, I’m feeling a little hard just thinking about it right now. Want to see?”

Jules didn’t rise to his bait. She recognized what he was trying to do and wasn’t going to let him. “I’m sure if you’d asked, some of your friends in prison could have shown you a little of the pleasure you like so much, maybe given you some of that release you were seeking. If you think you can show up here and frighten me into submission the way you did twenty years ago, you’re sadly mistaken. I’m not that little kid anymore. I grew up, faster than I should have had to thanks to what you did to me, but still grew up. I’m no longer that scared little girl who didn’t know what to do or how to protect myself.”

“You going to shoot me again? I don’t see any sign of a gun.”

“You’d better be glad I don’t have a gun. My aim is much more deadly now than it was twenty years ago. But I don’t need a gun to take care of the likes of you. I’m not going to be paralyzed by fear of you any more. You don’t have any power over me. You take one step back toward me and you won’t be able to able to enjoy the pleasure of any woman for a while longer.” 

Without another word, Jules got into the jeep and slammed the door shut as she did. She jammed the key into the ignition and, without looking to see what Johnny was doing, started the jeep and pulled out of the parking space with a squeal of tires. Fortunately there was no traffic as she turned onto the street without even looking to see if it was safe. 

She drove about two blocks and then pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant James had stopped at earlier. She put the jeep in park but left the engine running. Now that she was away from him, she could feel the shaking begin to start. She lowered her head into her hands and for just a moment allowed her fears at what did and could have happen wash over her. 

He’d touched her, pressed his body up against her, reminded her of the horrible things he’d done to her, and insinuated what he would like to do to her now. Just a few short days ago, any one of those would have reduced her to a quivering mess. All of them together would have put her into a panic attack to end all panic attacks. 

She leaned her head back on the head rest and smiled. A moment later she was laughing almost hysterically. She had come face to face with her worst nightmare and not only survived it but did so with the poise and bravado she used every day at work. For the first time in twenty years she didn’t feel like she was Johnny Dawson’s victim. It was an amazing feeling. 

Her shaking subsided and she felt like it was safe enough for her to drive. She barely paid attention to her surroundings as she steered the jeep toward home. Pulling into the driveway, she was glad to see that Sam was already home. She locked the jeep and ran up the walkway to the front door. It opened just before she reached it and she realized that Sam must have been watching for her. He drew her into his arms, kissing her without restraint. She melted against him, kicking out with her foot to close the door. 

Lifting her gently so that her feet were no longer touching the ground, Sam walked with her over to the couch where he laid her down following her all the way without ever breaking his kiss. His kisses were almost desperate and she recognized a need in him unlike any she’d seen in a while. Without any hesitation on her part, she surrendered herself to his need, trusting that he wouldn’t take more than he knew she could give. 

Kisses were as far as it went but she couldn’t remember a time when his kisses had ever felt so desperate and hungry. But true to her belief, he didn’t make any move that frightened her or went beyond anything she was comfortable with. His hands stayed buried into the couch beneath her holding his weight just off of her. She wasn’t sure how long they lay there, Sam keeping possession of her mouth as if it were necessary for him to stay alive. She could tell when his sense of desperation eased off because his kisses became less demanding, less hungry. Finally, he pulled back panting. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…”

“Shh.” Jules urged him, sitting up and caressing his cheek. “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t hear me protest or complain, did you? Do I look upset?”

Sam shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. He leaned back against the couch, no longer looking upset but obviously still bothered by something. Her own encounter with Johnny was momentarily forgotten in favor of taking care of the man she loved, the man who had been unselfishly caring for her throughout the nightmare her life had become at the discovery of Johnny’s release. Her triumph over her fears could take a backseat to Sam’s needs. 

“I’m guessing dinner with the General didn’t go so well.” She probed gently.

He laughed without humor. “Do they ever? I was partly right in my guess as to what he wanted. Through the appetizer and the soup and salad, he was singing the virtues of this new open position he heard about with Special Services. I don’t know who he thought he was talking to because it wasn’t even a job I would be remotely interested in. That wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to though. Like every other time, I listened to his spiel and he didn’t listen as I explained why I wasn’t interested. Nothing new in the Braddock family saga.”

Jules curled her legs underneath her and she reached out with one hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “So if the job offer wasn’t the only reason for him wanting to meet with you, what was the other?”

She could feel his muscles tightening just with the memory. “We were sitting there, the General concentrating on his lobster and me on my steak. I was thinking how glad I was we’d gotten through with the shop talk early so I could enjoy the meal without worrying about indigestion. Suddenly the General put down his fork and looked at me with a disapproval unlike I’ve seen in years. Then he asked me what kind of big brother I thought I was being to Natalie.”

Jules shook her head. “Natalie? What does Nat have to do with this? What’s he thinking? Cause trust me, with four older brothers I think I know what I’m talking about when I say you’re a great brother to Natalie.” 

Sam frowned and sighed deeply. “Apparently Nat took Spike to meet Mom and the General.”

“Nice.” Jules shook her head. She tried to imagine Spike, sweet, easygoing, likable, loveable Spike, meeting the General for the first time. She couldn’t do it. Hell, she couldn’t even picture meeting Sam’s father herself but picturing Spike with the man Sam had always described was like picturing throwing a kitten into a pen with a pack of snarling pit bulls. “What was she thinking?”

Sam shrugged. “She’s always had this fairy tale idea of what the family should be and you know I love her but she’s never realized that no matter how much she wishes we were that idea family, the General can’t change who he is.”

Jules scooted closer to Sam, digging her fingers into his tense muscles, hoping to relax him even slightly. “So what’s wrong with Spike? He’s a great guy and it’s obvious he and Nat are crazy about each other. I’d vote for them for best couple of the century if I didn’t believe so strongly that that title belongs to us.”

Sam smiled and leaned over and kissed her again, this time more tenderly than the desperate kisses from before. “Honestly, I don’t know what excuses he gave because I didn’t listen to half of what he said. It doesn’t matter what excuse he gave, what it boils down to is that no guy would ever be good enough. He kept insisting that if I loved Natalie, if I wanted to be the good big brother, I should be looking out for her and protecting her.”

“Sam,” Jules’s voice was firm. “Listen to me. You are, you do, and it’s ridiculous to think she needs protecting. Don’t let the General make you doubt yourself. “

Sam nodded. He reached back and removed her hands from his neck and pulled her against him. “I know. He just gets under my skin at times. I don’t know why I let him get to me.”

“Because even though he gets under your skin, he’s your father. You might not expect that fairy tale family that you say Nat does but deep inside you know you want something close to it.”

“Maybe,” Sam admitted reluctantly. “I think part of me regrets trying to keep Spike and Nat apart when they first got together. Spike’s my friend and Nat’s my little sister. I should have been happy for them from the beginning but I came between them. Meeting your brothers I found myself in Spike’s shoes wondering what I would do if they didn’t think I was good enough for their little sister.”

Jules chewed on her bottom lip, “They didn’t give you a hard time, did they? Cause I know how they can be, all talk and no bite. I can handle them, believe me. Besides, as much as I love them and respect their judgment, even if they didn’t want me to date you, it would be my choice not theirs. Nat’s a big girl and she can make that same choice for herself. Even if you hadn’t relented and given them your blessing to date, if it was meant to be between them and right now it seems to be, they would have found their way back to each other. We did.”

He hugged her to him, grateful for her support. He wanted to let her love and attempts to soothe him wash over him like the balm she was trying to be. But the rest of his conversation with the General was still haunting him like a punch in the gut. The fact that she was so amazingly and intuitively telling him exactly what he needed to hear made the rest of his conversation with the General hurt so much more. 

Jules could sense he was still holding something back and leaned back to look at him. “There’s more though, isn’t there? You were obviously watching for me to come in and you weren’t kissing me like you were before I was barely in the door because of Spike and Natalie. Something else happened. Something that I’m guessing had to do with me. Let me guess, the General doesn’t approve of me any more than he approves of Spike.”

Sam leaned his head back against the back of the couch. How in the hell could he tell her the someone -- and he had no doubt who that someone was -- had sent the General an anonymous letter warning him about the kind of girl his son was dating? Now he understood just why Johnny’s parting words at the hospital a week ago had sent her running to the bathroom to vomit uncontrollably. He’d felt the same way just hearing the accusations from the General that he knew were totally false. He couldn’t tell her what the General had been told and he certainly couldn’t tell her that the General had apparently believed every word of it. She was doing so much better dealing with everything, he didn’t want to send her spiraling back to the deep pit again. He lifted his head back up and looked at her almost pleadingly. “It doesn’t matter. I’m the one dating you, not him. All that matters is what I think and what I know to be true. I really don’t want to talk about it tonight, is that okay?” 

“Are you seriously asking me that? As many times as I’ve put off talking about what’s bothering me? Tell me we’re okay and that’s all I have to know.”

Sam put a hand to the back of her head and pulled her in for another kiss. “We’re better than okay, Sweetheart. We’re perfect.”

Jules moaned softly as he kissed her again, sending a tingling all the way down to her toes. She pulled back although what she really wanted to do was beg him to take her upstairs and love her. But she had to be honest with him, owed it to him not to keep anything new from him. “Almost perfect at least but I’m getting there. Sam, something happened tonight.”

Immediately he tensed, the reaction different from his earlier tension. He looked her over for any signs of injury or trauma and finding none remembered the almost giddy way she’d been running up the walk toward the house earlier. “What?”

“Johnny was waiting for me when I went out to my jeep.”

The anger reflecting back in Sam’s eyes would have scared her if she hadn’t known it wasn’t directed at her. “If he hurt you, I’ll kill him. Damn it, Jules, he’s stalking you.” He shifted slightly so he could reach his cell phone. Before he could flip it open, Jules took it from him. 

“Sam, what are you doing?”

“Calling Sarge. Maybe now he can convince a judge to issue a restraining order against that bastard.”

Jules shook her head, setting the phone aside. “No Sam, not tonight. You heard him at work today, he has a date tonight and Sarge deserves to be able to enjoy it. I promise you I will tell him about it as soon as we get to work tomorrow. Besides, I’m okay. He didn’t hurt me.”

Sam was breathing hard, his nostrils flaring with each breath he took. “I know I don’t see any signs of injuries but we both know he has ways of causing pain that aren’t physical. Despite that old adage, we both know that words can hurt very much, maybe even more than any damage caused by sticks and stones.”

Jules nodded, her eyes almost dancing. “You’re right. I know the pain he causes, both physically and mentally. And tonight if he’d been successful with knocking me down mentally, I probably would have felt the physical pain he’s capable of as well. But he wasn’t, Sam. I stood up to him. No matter how much he tried to intimidate me and turn me back into that teenager he had control of, I didn’t let him.”

She told him everything about the encounter, for once not hedging or holding back anything. Though Sam’s stomach churned hearing the words he’d used against her, his skin crawled to think that the man who had hurt her so terribly once more had put his hands on her even if it was just a touch on the face, and he wanted to kick himself for his own thoughtless actions of kissing her the way he had when she’d first entered the house without any thought to how she might take the attention, he couldn’t miss the way Jules’s body was fairly shaking as she told the story, not with fear but with a headiness he couldn’t quite explain. 

When she finished relating the encounter, she added. “Sam, you know that feeling you get when you successfully reach the top of a really difficult rock face? That feeling like you just conquered the world and can do anything you want?” Sam nodded and now understood the headiness he‘d sensed in her. “I feel that way right now. For so long just the thought of him made me feel like that sixteen year old who was powerless to prevent him from hurting me. I didn’t tonight. I faced him like he was just another subject I was confronting on a call. I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me.” 

Sam pulled her to him, holding her tightly against his body. “I’m so proud of you Jules. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you but I’m not surprised you finally realized you had the strength to stand up to him. You are so amazing. But still, Jules, Johnny’s getting bolder. I know you can take care of yourself, you’ve proven that so many times and did so again tonight but he’s dangerous. It scares me to think what he might try next.”

“I don’t think he will.” Jules admitted, her words muffled against Sam’s shirt. He released her and she sat back to further explain. “Johnny’s a bully. And we all know that the way to stop a bully is to stand up to him. I did that, Sam. He knows now that I’m not scared of him. And if I’m not scared of him, there’s nothing to stop me from kicking his ass if he tries something else. If he can’t intimidate me then he has no power and he, being the bully he is, won’t take the chance of losing.”

Sam wasn’t sure as Jules appeared to be on the issue but he wasn’t going to push the issue tonight; they’d both had enough of fighting others to now fight each other. “Okay, but still, you’re going to tell the boss first thing in the morning, right?”

Jules nodded. “Promise. As soon as we get to the barn in the morning, before I even change into my uniform. If not, you have my permission to call me out on it right there in front of everyone.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.” Sam promised her. She smiled, moving in for another kiss, the look in her eye full of desire and want. 

“I’d rather you just hold me to you.” She licked her lower lip, almost tentative. “Sam, remember earlier that I mentioned that feeling of conquering the world and being able to do anything? I really want to put that to the test. I want you to take me upstairs and show me what I’ve been missing out on.” 

Still feeling a little guilty about his actions when she first came in the house, Sam reached out to touch her face but stopped just before actually coming into contact with her skin. He didn’t want to remind her of Dawson. Jules reached up and covered his hand with her own keeping it still as she leaned her cheek against it. Sam brushed his finger across her cheekbone. “You sure? I know you were faced him down like the SuperJules you are but I know it hadn’t have still affected you. I don’t want to make it worse by triggering other bad memories.”

“I’m sure.”

Sam stood from the couch and lifted Jules in his arms, cradling her to him, kissing her tenderly as he made his way up the stairs, carefully stepping around the kitten who had decided it’s favorite spot in the whole house when not curled up on one of them was the third step from the bottom. He set her down outside the guest bedroom so he could open the door and lead her inside. Just like both times before he turned on the lamp next to the bed before turning his attention to her. 

He still didn’t know the full story of what Johnny had done to her but he used the pieces he did know to try to avoid triggering in her any bad associations. The first time they’d tried this, he’d asked her to take off her shirt, wanting her to have all the control she needed. After discovering that he’d been repeating what had happened to her, he wouldn’t make that mistake twice. Leaning his head down, he kissed her, his tongue sweeping almost possessively in her mouth. At the same time, he tugged her shirt out of her jeans and slowly pushed the material up, breaking the kiss only to divest her of the garment. She shivered slightly as the coolness of the air conditioned room hit her exposed skin.

He returned to kissing her as his hands moved lower to pop open the button on her jeans. At the sound, she toed off her shoes and socks as he slid the zipper down, his hands warm on her hips. Soon she was standing in a puddle of clothes, left with just her panties and bra covering her. Still kissing her, he lifted her in his arms once more and placed her gently on the bed before covering her body with his. 

“Jules?” He asked between kisses. “Do you trust me?”

Jules nodded, losing herself in his kisses. “You know I do.”

He stopped kissing her, needing to know she was focused on what he had to say. “Jules, if this is going to work, I’ve got to be able to trust you’ll be honest with me. This is all supposed to be about pleasure not pain. You were hurt and no matter how much you want to put the assault behind you, it’s not going to go away in a flash. Like I told you when you first asked me to teach you to enjoy the full range of what sex can be, there’s no timetable. We don’t have to exorcise the pain with the first, second, or hell, even the tenth attempt.”

“I promised you that I’d use the word and I did that first night.“ Jules reminded him. 

“Yeah, you did but your body was screaming it long before you walrued me. I should have stopped when I first felt how your body was reacting but I’d promise to wait for the word. The second time I couldn’t wait for you to say the word but I still let it go longer than I think I should have. Tonight, the only way I’m going to continue this is if you promise to stop me as soon as it stops being pleasurable for you.”

She did trust him and knew he’d never hurt her but she couldn’t control the involuntary reactions her body and mind had. Her fears were easing at his expert touch but they weren’t totally gone and may never be. Yet she knew Sam cared too much about her and was too much of a gentleman to risk upsetting her at all. “Sam, please. It’s okay. I know you won’t hurt me. I trust you know what you’re doing.” “Sam, what you’re asking me isn’t fair. I want to put this behind me but you’re right I can’t just turn off or control my reactions. How do I know if it’s going to be pleasurable if I stop you at the first sign that I’m tensing up about it?”

He sighed, needing to make her understand. “Jules, I’ve been thinking about that and I think I know a way that might help those reactions. It’s going to require a lot more trust on your part though.”

Jules reached a hand up and ran the tips of her fingers down his cheek. “Sam, I trust you. I asked for this and I wouldn’t have if I didn’t think I could trust you to protect me and make it okay for me.”

Sam nodded. “I’ve been making it a point to tell you what I plan to do before I do it; give you a chance to say no if you are against it. I’ve been thinking about the way you tense up just by me saying what I want to do to you. Tense up until it reaches a point where I know you are uncomfortable even if you don’t walrus me. I think it’s because me telling you what’s coming gives you time to think about how you think it’s going to make you feel rather than just experience it for what it is. I think the anticipation is exacerbating your reactions. Tonight I’d like to just touch and kiss you without telling its coming. I won’t hurt you; I know you trust me not to do that. But I don’t care how much you trust me, it can’t erase what he did to you and how it causes your body to react.” 

Jules closed her eyes to prevent him from seeing even a hint of fear in her eyes. 

Sam lightly brushed fingertips over her closed eyelids, asking without words for her to open them. She did and saw the seriousness in his own eyes. “This is non-negotiable Jules. This stops now if you can’t promise me you’ll stop me immediately if it bothers you.”

“Okay.” Her answer was barely there and full of pain. The tears that filled her eyes broke his heart but he wouldn’t give in on this point. 

He sighed. “Okay is not a promise Jules. I’m serious about not negotiating on your promise but if this is upsetting you this much we need to talk about why.”

A single tear fell down her cheek, but this time he didn’t wipe it away. “If I say the word, you’ll stop, no questions asked and it’ll be over. You might hold me and kiss me but it won’t go any further. At least when you stopped on your own, you still made love to me. I don‘t want to feel punished because I have a bad reaction.”

Sam rolled to the side of the bed, staring up at the ceiling, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut. His intention had never been to make her feel that way and it tore him up inside to hear that he had. He’d realized at the end of their first attempt at him showing her the pleasure that should come with sex that they’d jumped in to it entirely too quickly without working out the important logistics. He’d fumbled with how he should have responded after it had gone badly and that should have been his clue to work things out before they tried again but once again he hadn’t thought about it. 

He cursed himself. “Jules, I never meant for you to feel punished. I’m sorry, so sorry, Sweetheart. I’m an asshole.” He rolled over so he was facing her direction and then pulled her closer to him so he was looking her in the eye. “We can make this work. You promise to say the word at the first sign of discomfort and I’ll promise you that it won’t be the end of our lovemaking. I won’t continue to push something new on you but I’ll make love to you the way we usually do. If that’s still too much, we can talk about what you need from me. Okay? Will that work for you?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, I think I can live with that.”

Sam ran his fingers through her hair pulling her into him for a kiss. “So I have your promise?”

“Promise.”

With practiced ease, Sam lowered one of his hands from her hair down her back to unclip her bra. He removed the garment and tossed it behind him so that it joined the pile of the rest of her clothes. They remained side by side on the bed as he moved his head towards hers. Once more he started to kiss her, those kisses heating up in intensity and desire. His hands which usually felt useless when they made love now enjoyed roaming gently over her body. Still he avoided her breasts for the moment, not wanting to push her comfort level too quickly. 

Even without touching her there, he could see the effects his kisses and touches were having on her as her nipples became prominent peaks. Her body felt almost like putty in his hands as she relaxed beneath his skillful hands and mouth. He tore himself away from her mouth, moving down her slender throat to concentrate on kissing the crook of her neck. Ever so slowly he slid down her body, blazing a trail of kisses wherever he moved. Just as he had with his hands, he avoided her sensitive breasts and concentrated on making a trail down the valley between both mounds. 

As he continued to kiss her, one hand gently nudged her onto her back. Her breaths were coming in small hitches but it was a sound he knew wasn’t of distress. He stopped at her bellybutton, letting his tongue fill the small space. She arched off the bed, pushing her navel further against his tongue. He continued his oral ministrations on her bellybutton for several minutes. Her sudden cry of pleasure shattered the silence of the room and her whole body shuddered. 

Sam sat up enjoying seeing the way her body was reacting to his kisses and touched. It took her a moment for her to realize he was no longer kissing her. Her eyes opened and she lifted her head looking for him. “Sam?”

“Shh. It’s okay, Sweetheart. I’m not stopping. Just lay back and close your eyes. You’re trusting me, remember?”

She nodded and did as he requested. Sam moved down the bed and settled beside her legs. He knew he was taking a big chance with what he had in mind. Before he ever touched her breasts he’d gotten her to open up about what Dawson had done to her there the night he attacked her. He knew going into it what would probably trigger a bad reaction. He still didn’t know what she’d experienced in her more intimate areas but he didn’t want to stop to ask, afraid if he did, he would be setting her up for a bad reaction. Instead, he had to trust his instincts to tell him how to proceed. 

He lifted one of her toned, bare legs and pressed his lips against the side of her leg to the side of her knee. Slowly he moved upward blazing a trail of kisses up her leg until he reached the crease of where her leg met the crotch of her panties. He could smell her arousal as he neared her covered sex and was sure her panties were probably wet. Knowing she was just a moment away from tensing, he pulled his head back and lowered her leg. 

Shifting back down he picked up her other leg and just as he had with the first one, began to kiss her. This time he held her leg with just one hand and reached up with the other to gently knead her breast and put equally gentle pressure on her rock hard nipple with his thumb. This time when he reached the spot where her panties lay against her, she was almost keening in pleasure. He released his hold on her leg but not her breast. 

Probably without her even being aware of doing so, her legs were open enough to allow him easy access to her sex. Without touching her skin, he took hold of the crotch of her panties and pulled it to one side so she was fully exposed. Now there was no question that she was wet with desire. His tongue darted out lapping at her juices before she knew what was happening.

“Walrus, walrus, walrus. Stop, please don’t.”

Immediately he stopped, he‘d known it was probably going to cause a bad reaction but knew it was a necessary step. He just hadn‘t expected such a strong reaction. He moved back up the bed laying beside her, scared to see how much she was shaking and having trouble catching her breath. He pulled her into his arms, ready to release her at the first sign of discomfort. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Sweetheart. It’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m sorry.”

Jules clenched his shirt tightly. “I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t break my promise. I was okay right up to that moment. I just. I couldn’t… I…”

Sam cupped her face, making her look at him. “It’s okay Jules, really. You did great and there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s okay.”

He kissed her and wasn’t surprised when she pulled away in surprise. “Your kiss tastes different.”

He smiled at her not surprised by her statement, it had been the main reason why he’d kissed her. “That’s what you taste like when you are enjoying what sex can be like. That’s what my kisses and touches did to you. It’s just a small taste of what it’s going to be like eventually. Jules, I promised you we’d make love even if we had to stop. Do you still want to? It’s okay if you don’t, but I don’t want to break my promise.”

She nodded. Sam lowered her back to the bed and used the time it took him to remove her panties and his own clothes to allow her to regain some control over her reactions. He covered her body with his, supporting his weight with his arms. His manhood was poised at her still wet entrance. “You ready?”

Again she nodded and he entered her. Her eyes widened in surprise at the ease in which he slid into her. He doubted she’d ever been lubricated enough with her own juices to make the entry so smooth and slick. He knew for sure it had never happened in all the times they’d made love before. He slowly moved above her, making his thrusts slow and gentle. He could feel her climax building and sure enough it was only a few minutes later that her insides clenched around him, squeezing him tightly. 

Her whole body shook as her body rose out the orgasm. Though she’d usually reacted strongly to their lovemaking he was pretty sure this was the first time she’d experienced an orgasm with him and he wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t the first one she’d ever had. He let her ride out the waves of pleasure remaining inside her but not moving. He wasn’t as close to his own climax but it wouldn’t take much, especially the way the sounds she was currently making beneath him. 

Her hips bucked forward just slightly encouraging him to start moving again. He covered her mouth with his as he once more thrust within her. Just as he figured it wasn’t any time before he found his own release and spilled his seed inside her. He glanced down and realized she was already drifting off to sleep. He pulled out of her and pulled her sleeping body close to him. Leaving their clothes in the pile on the floor where they’d been discarded, he carried her to their bed and settled her beneath the covers before climbing in beside her. He drifted off to sleep without even turning off the lights.


	27. Chapter 27

“You’re humming again.” Sam warned. 

“No.” She protested slowly then added. “Was I?” A warm embarrassed blush crept into her cheeks. She looked around furtively, making sure they were alone in the stairwell. They were and as they reached the landing a floor below headquarters, Sam gently pushed her against the wall, effectively trapping her with his body. He kissed her. He meant for it to be just a slight peck but as soon as her lips parted, he found himself deepening the kiss, letting his tongue sweep sensually in her mouth. 

He ran his hands through her hair that was still hanging loosely to her shoulders. Her fingers hooked into two of the belt loops on his pants and pulled her closer to him. If someone else came into the stairwell and saw them in their current position, they’d have a lot of explaining to do. But he didn’t really care at the moment. Staring into her dark eyes, he couldn’t help but be drawn back to the night before and earlier this morning.

He’d woken up around two in the morning, at first confused why the lights were still on. Looking down at Jules, her dark hair fanning out over the pillow and her face more relaxed than he’d seen it in far too long, he felt a familiar tightening in his groin made much sweeter by what they‘d shared earlier. There was no trace of any of the dreams that had been haunting her sleep for so long. He thought about their slow lovemaking and the effect that it had had on Jules. He couldn’t deny that it had been a powerful experience for him as well. 

Even before he’d known about the terror of Jules’s past, he’d accepted the limitations she’d put on their lovemaking and hadn’t had a moment’s complaint about it. She might not have been the most experienced of lovers he’d had but the intensity of their feelings for each other had more than made up for lack of creative positions or little bedroom tricks she wasn’t interested in. He knew he’d taken her to peaks of excitement over the years and that neither of them had complaints in that department. But still, anything they had experienced before could compare to the explosion of pleasure he’d been able to create for her this time. He been completely truthful that he didn’t want or need the experiences she wanted to avoid but now that he was helping her work past her fears, he couldn’t deny that awakening her ability to find pleasure in his touch was having just as amazing and powerful effect on him. 

He had turned off the light and repositioned the sheet that had slipped during their sleep back up in order to cover her bare body. He placed the gentlest of kisses against her lips, not wanting to wake her but unable to resist himself. A slow smile filled her face and she’d snuggled even closer into his embrace. Just before he was slipping back to sleep again, he felt her hand encircled his wrist. His breath caught and he watched to see what she was going to do. She moved his hand up so that it cupped her right breast. She sighed deeply and continued to sleep. He left his hand where she’d put it and stared at it for the longest time. It was a bold move for her and it made him smile to think that maybe things really were going to be okay. 

When he’d woken up the second time to find the sun starting to creep in through the blinds, he looked down at Jules to see her already awake, staring up at him, the smile on her face more than making up for all the nights he’d spent worrying about her in the last couple of weeks. He leaned down and kissed her. He was glad to see that the light of day hadn’t altered the way she’d felt the night before. 

Now standing in the stairwell, pressed against her, he was still glad to see she was apparently still riding the high from the night before, more than likely a mixture of confidence at having stood up to Johnny mixed with the pleasure she and Sam had shared in bed. Still it could prove problematic once they entered the barn. 

“Jules, Babe, you realize you go in there with that secretive smile on your face that you’ve been wearing all morning, humming under your breath, and positively glowing like you are, then the guys are going to know what we did last night and they are going to rag me about it all day.”

“We live together so I’m pretty sure they probably expect us to be doing what we did last night. But I guess they might pick up on something being different and question you about it. I can always stage a mock fight with you as soon as we step inside. Would that help?”

Sam chuckled and shook his head. “No, it wouldn’t because then they’d ride my ass all day about upsetting you. Just try not to look so extra damned adorably sexy. I know I’m asking a lot but do you think you can do that?”

“Not if you keep talking and looking at me like that. Don’t worry, Sam, I’m sure as soon as I start telling Sarge about my run in with Johnny last night the creep-out feeling of having him that close to me will dampen my good mood enough to keep the guys off your case.” 

There was something in Sam’s expression that made Jules narrow her eyes and give his arm a light slap. “You thought I was going to weasel out of telling him, didn’t you?”

“No, not at all. I just didn’t want to bring it up and pull you down from your good mood. I’m glad you’re talking to him about it. I’m proud of you for standing your ground with Johnny and I know you think he’s going to back down but he still scares me. Don’t underestimate him. I’m not going to stand here and pull some primeval caveman stunt and make unreasonable demands or try to shut you up in some tower like you’re a damsel in distress. It would just piss you off and it wouldn’t be fair to you. I know you can take care of yourself. And as much as I might want to, I’m not going to play bodyguard and glue myself to your side or demand you let someone else do it if I’m not around. All I’m asking is that you don’t take any unnecessary chances.”

Jules bit her bottom lip and looked up at him coyly through half lowered lids. “Well, I can’t say the idea of having you glued to my side is all bad. Tonight when I get home, you can guard my body all you want.“ A door below them closed noisily and the warning was enough to make Sam take a step back and for Jules to adjust her clothing even though it was all perfectly in place. Then she reached out and placed the palm of her hand flat against his chest. “Sam, I promise you I’ll be careful. You don’t have to worry. But I do appreciate you trusting that I can take care of myself.”

Since no one had appeared coming up the stairs and there were no footsteps to indicate they were sharing the space with anyone, Sam leaned down to steal one more kiss before they continued up the last flight of steps. 

Greg was standing at Winnie’s desk reading over a report from the prior shift. He looked up as Sam and Jules came down the hall. He greeted them warmly but expected them to continue on to the locker rooms to change. To Greg’s surprise, Jules stopped at the desk while Sam gave her arm a quick squeeze before continuing on. He could tell something was up by her sudden intake of breath, a sure signal she was concerned about something. She chewed on her lip. 

“Can we talk?”

He nodded and led the way into the briefing room. He leaned against the table and folded his arms across his chest. “What’s up?”

“Johnny approached me last night as I was leaving the hospital.”

Greg straightened, his normally affable expression turning to a frown. “You okay? Did he hurt you?”

She smiled, the over protectiveness being displayed by first Sam and now Greg not bothering her like she figured it would. “I’m great. He only tried to intimidate me. He wasn’t successful.” 

She filled him on the basics of the encounter, not sharing the full extent of the story the way she had with Sam. Even though she hadn’t out and out admitted the truth of what Johnny had done to her twenty years ago, she was sure he’d figured out that Sam’s fears had been correct. And though it had gotten easier for her to admit the truth to her brothers and father and to Sam, she still found it difficult to be open about it to others. 

“I guess I would be wasting my breath suggesting you let me put you in protective custody.“ Greg fixed his gaze on the floor, his jaw rocking slightly. “Okay, I’m calling the judge and trying again to the get the restraining order. Whether he grants it or not, I think we have to assume you could be in danger. I’ll arrange to have a patrol car make regular passes by your house when you’re not on shift. I’d like for you to consider making sure you have someone with you if you are out in public. It’s not that you can’t take care of yourself but that it just makes sense to play it safe. I’d be making these same recommendations to anyone on the team with a stalker, especially a stalker who’s proven he’s capable of cold blooded murder.”

Jules knew better to protest; it would fall on deaf ears and she couldn’t really fault anything he said. “Okay, I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger but I’ll do what you want. He knows now that I’m not scared. The only way he’s going to attack is if he thinks I’m too scared to fight back. If anything I think he’s going to try more subtle attempts to break me down again. If he does, he‘s in for a surprise because try as he might I‘m not going to fall for it.”

Greg considered her words. “Maybe, but we’ve worked too many calls and have seen too many subjects escalate without any warning. You’re too important to me, to Sam, to this team to take any chances. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him hurt you because we underestimated him.”

“Copy that Sarge.” She smiled up at him and started to leave. He reached out and grabbed her arm and tugged her back toward him. 

“Jules, for the record. I’ve made no secret that I’ve been concerned about you since Jack showed up to tell you Johnny was being released. For awhile I wasn’t sure if you were going to be okay or not. Especially after your dad had his heart attack. But this last week you’ve been slowly bouncing back to your usual self, slowly but surely. Now today, I look at you to and I realized I shouldn’t have worried so much. You’re strong, you’re confident, you’re the Jules we’re used to seeing maybe even better. I’m proud of you.” 

Hearing his praise meant the world to her. She smiled, willing back any tears of happiness his words threatened to bring out of her. “The credit goes to Sam. He’s been absolutely amazing in all this. I don’t think I could have gotten through the last two weeks without him and I know I wouldn’t be standing here feeling this confident and sure of myself right now without his support.”

Greg nodded; if he’d ever had any doubts about the young couple those doubts were now forever banished from his thoughts. “I’m sure Sam has something to do with it but ultimately it’s you who made the decision to get past this. Don’t underestimate your own part, nothing Sam said or did would make a difference if you didn’t allow it to. Go on, get changed so we can keep the peace. I have some calls to make.”

By the time Jules had changed into her uniform and stepped back into the briefing room, the guys had already gathered around the table. She noticed that Sam looked a little preoccupied. She sat down next to him and leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Don’t tell me they’re already giving you a hard time. The rest of the team has barely seen me and I don’t think I’ve hummed once since we came in.”

Sam grinned wryly and shook his head. “George from Team Four was getting ready to leave when I went in to change. He asked if I could cover his shift for a few hours tonight. He and his wife have their first childbirth class and he’ll be in the doghouse if he misses it.”

Jules knew George was the one who’d covered Sam’s shifts while they were gone, wanting the overtime to make extra money for the new baby. “So what’s the problem? You told him you’d do it, right? I’ll be going to the hospital after work anyway. How long can a childbirth class last? You’ll probably beat me home.”

Sam nodded. “Of course I told him I’d do it. Never a question about it. I just wish it hadn’t come up now. I’m trying not to be overprotective here but I just can’t shake the feeling you’re in danger. Johnny’s already approached you in the hospital parking lot once, what’s to stop him from doing it again?”

“Guys, mind if we get started here?” Greg interjected, interrupting their whispered conversation. Greg tried to hide a slight smirk as the two apologized and concentrated on the morning briefing. There were no warrants or other major items on their agenda for the day so Greg suggested they start with patrol. He divided up the teams pairing Sam and Spike, Ed and Raf and Jules with him. Jules wasn’t surprised. He hadn’t mentioned the potential danger she was in -- for which she was grateful, but in lieu of that, he wouldn’t have felt safe putting her with anyone but either himself or Sam. After the meeting was over, Jules put her hand on Sam’s arm.

“Sam, I promise I’m not going to take unnecessary risks. I don’t want you worrying about me if you’re going to be working with Team 4 tonight. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll call Peter or James and get one of them to come by this afternoon after I get off shift and pick me up. I’ll leave you the jeep so you can get home after George gets back. That way you can either pick me up at the hospital tonight or I’ll have whoever picks me up bring me home. I’ll even let him walk me to the door.”

Covering the hand on his arm with his other hand, Sam gave it a squeeze and smiled up at her. “Yeah, it does make me feel better. Thanks.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Well that changes things.” Jules remarked dryly putting away her cell phone. 

Greg glanced over at her from behind the wheel of the SUV. “Something wrong?”

She shook her head. “No, just a change of plans. I was going to go by the hospital after shift but several of the guys dad used to work with back in the Hat are driving up to check on him. He’s excited; he hasn’t seen many of these guys since he moved to Toronto. It’ll be good for him to get to see people other than his children. If I’m there, I’ll have to listen to all those embarrassing stories about when I was a little kid, and to be honest, having an evening free that I can spend at home sounds great. I don’t regret a moment of the time I’ve spent at the hospital with Dad but it hasn’t actually left me much time to get things done around the house. Sam and I have been back from camping for a full week and the dirty clothes from the trip are still sitting in the laundry room and still dirty.”

“And Sam’s working for George for a few hours tonight and you think he’s going to worry about you being home alone with the potential threat out there.” Greg surmised. Jules nodded. Greg continued. “Looks like the restraining order will still be a no go. Not that a piece of paper would prevent him from trying something. I did however get the go ahead on the extra patrols. A unit will be driving by your house at least once an hour all night long. How about I give you a ride home when our shift ends. I can assure Sam that I will see you safely inside the house and will stand outside the door until I hear you bolt the lock. I think Sam will be okay with that.”

“Thanks Boss.”

 _“Team One, hot call…”_ Winnie gave out the location. Greg acknowledged the page out and Jules reached over and turned on the lights and siren. Winnie went on to explain that a 9-1-1 call had come in for a possible domestic abuse situation in an upscale condominium. The first responders had arrived at the apartment of Alexi and Anna Dimitries only to be warned back by the man inside who claimed that he had the whole apartment wired with enough explosives to bring down the whole complex and the surrounding buildings. 

_“Sarge,”_ Spike’s voice came over the radio system. _“Good news, I’m showing that the building is connected to the Simplex service. It’s a new security system that has cameras installed throughout each condo so that families can monitor activity inside the apartment via computer when away. Simplex has given me the codes for the condo in question and I’m pulling up the feed now. We’ll be able to know see who’s in the condo and more importantly check out those potential bombs.”_

“Good work Spike. I’ll expect an update as soon as we’re on scene.” Greg praised him and then continued. “Ed Sierra One, Sam Sierra two. Jules I want you finding alternate entry points. Spike’ll work the explosives angle and Raf, you’ll be with me when we start negotiations. Winnie, have the units on scene start evacuating the building and the surrounding ones as well.”

Jules had already pulled out a lap top and was pulling up the schematics for the building. She frowned. “Sarge, the Dimitries live on the tenth floor of a fifteen floor high rise. Looks like only one door.”

“Copy that.”

The different units all pulled up about the same time and gathered in the command truck to get a report about what was going on in the apartment. Spike had the cameras pulled up on several computers. “Got two people in the Dimitries’ apartment. The woman, Anna Dimitries, appears to be tied up in the bedroom here. Her husband, Alexi, is in the living room. Looks like he’s holding some sort of switch in one hand and a gun in the other. The switch is a possible detonator. Looks like the bomb threat is real. I’m seeing what looks like explosive devices on the door and throughout the apartment. I’m thinking the computer in the bedroom with Anna looks like it might be the master controller. If I can get to that I think I could shut down the whole system he has rigged. It would eliminate the explosive threat.”

Sam frowned. “That’s a pretty big if, Spike. How do you plan on getting in there without him seeing you? We can’t get a good enough picture of that switch to know if it’s a dead man switch or not. Ed and I could set up Sierra positions on that building over there and get a good line on him but if we take the shot, we risk triggering the explosion.”

Greg nodded. “Jules, alternate entry ideas?”

Her eyes flicked over the computer screens and then she nodded. “We could attempt a window entry into the bedroom. I see a wire running along the frame but the panes itself don’t look wired. Rappel down, cut the pane free from the rest of the window and we’re in.”

Raf shook his head. “How’s someone going to get in through that pane without touching the frame? It’ll be a pretty small opening.”

“I could fit especially with someone on the outside to help me.” Jules assured them. She looked at Spike. “If the wire on the frame was cut, what would it do?”

“It would render the window safe. Shouldn’t alert him or set off the master controller. I doubt he’d expect what your suggesting. You go in, cut the wire, and then I could come in without worrying about touching the frame. I could disable the bomb”

Greg nodded. “Jules, could you get Anna out while Spike disabled the bomb? I don’t want to take any chances risking her life if we can avoid it.”

Jules nodded. “Copy that. I can buddy her into my line and rappel the rest of the way down. Might not be her ideal way of getting out but it‘ll be safer than leaving her in the apartment.”

“Okay team, Ed, Sam set up Sierra positions so that you can get a shot into the living room. Even if Spike disables the bomb we’ve got the gun to deal with as well. Spike, Jules get the rappelling gear and go to the roof. Let me know when you are ready to rappel down and Raf and I’ll will keep Alexi distracted with negotiations. 

_“Sarge, we got a problem with the evacuations. Everyone’s been evacuated except for the building directly next door. It’s a private medical clinic with patients on life support. We’re coordinating with local hospitals but it’s going to take time to get everyone evacuated safely.”_

“We can’t afford to wait, Boss. He looks real antsy. He hits that switch they all die anyway. I think we have to proceed and hope for the best.” Spike insisted. 

“Copy that. Everyone let’s get into position.”

Jules and Spike each grabbed a large black bag full of climbing gear and headed into the building ahead while at the same time Ed and Sam grabbed their Remingtons and headed toward their positions. Raf and Greg would wait until both the other teams were in position before heading to the condo to begin negotiations and hopefully keep Alexi distracted while Jules rescued Anna and Spike disabled the bomb. 

The elevator was making its way up to the roof access with only Spike and Jules inside. About five floors up, Spike glanced over at Jules, an amused smile on his face. Jules saw the look and frowned. “What?”

Spike chuckled. “Nothing, I just didn’t realize it had been that long for you. You didn’t get enough last week camping with Sam?”

It was then that she realized she’d been humming again. Remembering what Sam had warned her about in the stairwell that morning, she turned bright red not believing Spike was questioning her about her sex life on a call out even if his radio feed was turned off. “Spike!? Seriously? You‘re asking me about that here?”

“What? What’s wrong with talking about rappelling?” Slowly realization hit him and he turned bright red and began to stammer. “So, um, you sure you won’t have any trouble getting through that opening once we remove the glass? I know you’re small enough but it’s still going to be awkward as hell making sure you avoid touching any part of that frame.”

Sure that she was pretty flushed herself Jules nodded. “Shouldn’t be too difficult. Those gymnastic lessons Mom insisted on enrolling me in as a little girl will come in handy. I haven’t had to contort my body in some of those positions in years but it’s like riding a bicycle, right?”

The elevator door opened and they filed out and up to the roof without further conversation. Time was always a factor on calls such as these so the climbing gear was stored to ensure quick and easy set up. In a matter of a couple of minutes, both were strapped in and the lines secured to the edge of the building. Jules turned her feed back on. 

“Sarge, Spike and I are in position. Ready to deploy entry at your word.”

_“Copy that, stand by. Sierra One, Sierra Two, status report?”_

_“I have the solution.”_ Ed’s voice was clear and controlled, the way a sniper’s voice should be. _“He’s pacing but trackable.”_

 _“He’s clearly agitated.”_ Sam added to the report from his own position. _“I get the feeling he’ll push that button if he feels the least bit threatened.”_

 _“Sarge, I was able to find out more about Alexi Dimitries.”_ Winnie supplied next. Without someone available to stay in the truck, information gathering had fallen to their reliable and capable dispatcher. _“He and his wife own a demolition company”_

“Explains access to explosives and the knowledge to use them. Gives me more of an idea what to expect about the system he’s using.” Spike muttered. “Winnie, any indication what started this?”

_“Financials show the company is tapped out. Looks like someone’s been siphoning money out of the company account into a private foreign account. Guys, Anna Dimitries is the bookkeeper for the company.”_

_“Looks like we know what started this. His company is going belly up and it looks like his wife is responsible. Be careful, team. This is an emotional response and Alexi probably feels like he has nothing to do. Not the best combination. Raf and I are in position. Jules and Spike, go for entry.”_

“Copy that.” Jules replied as she and Spike stepped off the edge of the building and began their descent to the tenth floor. When they reached the correct window, they were careful not to let their feet touch the window frames. Spike was reasonably sure contact from the outside only wouldn’t trigger an explosion but they didn’t want to take any chances. 

Locking the gear in place outside the lowest window into the bedroom, Jules pulled out a glass cutting tool and began cutting out the pane, leaving enough of the glass around the edges to further protect against triggering the explosion. She pulled out the pane and glanced down to make sure the area below was cleared of pedestrians and officers before letting it drop. It wasn’t an ideal way of disposing of the glass but they couldn’t risk leaning it against another window. 

“Okay, Spike, I’m going to release tension on my line to give me enough clearance. You help guide my legs in and make sure that line doesn’t touch anything it shouldn’t.”

“Copy that. Be careful.” 

She laid back so her body was perpendicular to the hole. The space was much smaller than they had originally thought she’d have because of the glass that had to remain. She was still small enough to fit but there was a greater chance of her cutting herself on the edges that remained as she passed through. The back bend she was forced to put her body into in order to lower her legs to the ground was far from comfortable but soon she was inside the bedroom, straightening up, and unhooking her line. 

Anna was gagged as well as tied but Jules still signaled her to remain still and quiet. Then she turned to survey the window. Spikes was the explosives expert but she’d had to face disabling wires a time or two herself and she silently and quickly determined what she needed to do. She pulled a pair of cutters from her supply belt and cut the wire, holding her breath as she did to in case they were wrong about it being safe. 

She smiled when the wires fell away harmlessly and Spike broke out the rest of the glass leaving a couple of ragged edges but making it easier for him as he entered the bedroom as well. Jules moved to the bed and untied the hostage. She kept her voice down as she reassured Anna. “It’s okay. We’re with the Police Strategic Response Unit. We’re going to get you out of here.”

The woman nodded, tears streaming down her face. “You have to stop my husband. He thinks I stole all our money but I didn’t. His brother stole my passwords and used my login to make the transfers. I didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. I tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen. The company is his life; he loves it more than maybe he loves even me. He thinks he’s lost everything.”

“You copy that, Boss?” Jules asked knowing that he had.

_“Copy that. Get her out of there. Spike, how long until you can disable the explosives?”_

Spike was already poring over the computer. “Five ten minutes max; it’s a complex system. The guy knows what he’s doing.”

“Okay, Anna, we’re going to get you out of here.” Jules promised the woman once again. 

Anna shook her head. “How? There’s only one way out of here and if you go in the living room, Alexi will blow this whole place up.”

“We’re going out the way my friend and I came in.” Jules explained. 

The woman paled. “I’m scared of heights.”

“It’ll be okay.” Jules assured her. “You’ll be secured to my line and I will not let you fall. You’ll be perfectly safe. But right now, we have to hurry. Spike?”

Spike joined her at the window and removed his harness. Between them both, they helped Anna into the discarded gear and Jules attached a safety line between Anna’s harness and her own. Next Jules reached out the window to retrieve her rappelling line to hook back into. About the same time, Alexi’s voice in the next room rose in a frightening yell. Scared, Anna grabbed at Jules’s other arm. The movement threw off Jules’s attempt to get her cord and made her arm slid against one of the remaining jagged edges of the glass. She hissed softly. 

Spike frowned. “You okay?”

Jules nodded. “Just a scratch. Anna, it’s okay, just close your eyes. Spike’s going to help you through the window once I’m out.”

It took several precious moments to get Anna calmed enough for Spike to get her out of the window without her cutting herself. The added weight on Jules’s line caused a slight drop that made Anna cling desperately to Jules. “Hostage clear.”

Spike returned to the computer as Jules carefully made the descent for the last ten floors until her feet touched the ground. She quickly unhooked the gear and guided Anna away from the building into the command truck. Anna gasped when she saw the blood on Jules’s uniform. “You’re cut.”

Jules flashed her a smile. The cut stung but she didn’t think it was serious, probably not even deep enough to require stitches although it would mean that each of the guys, but especially Sam, would take turns fussing over it later. 

Once Spike was able to disable the system, they were able to take Alexi down without incident. Jules let out a sigh of relief when Greg announced the subject was in custody. After they could stand down from their positions, Sam was the first one back to the truck. Without a word, he took Jules’s injured arm in his hands and carefully peeled away the ripped uniform. 

“Looks painful.” 

“I’ve had worse. I’ll even let the medics clean and bandage it if it’ll make you happy.”

“It’ll make me happy and follow protocol..” Greg inserted as he joined them in the truck. “Good work, Jules but you know you aren’t getting away without letting the medics check you out. They say you don’t need stitches, you might get out of a ride to the hospital.”

Jules allowed Sam to lead her to the back of an ambulance that had been on site to help with the evacuation of the patients at the clinic. Though it cost her the rest of the sleeve of her uniform which the medic had to cut off to get a good look at the wound, it didn’t take long for the medic to determine that it was indeed just a minor cut that didn’t need stitches. He cleaned the wound and then wrapped a gauze bandage tightly around it. 

By the time she was cleared by the medic to return to work, the scene had been turned over to the explosives retrieval team and they were ready to return to service. Jules once more had to reassure the rest of the team that she was okay but knew she’d take a ribbing later at the debriefing. 

The rest of the shift was quiet but no one complained. After their workout, which Ed insisted that Jules take it easy on with her injured arm, she made her way to the locker room to change. She wasn’t surprised when Sam followed.

“How bad does it hurt?” He knew it was useless asking if she was okay because even if her arm had been completely severed, she’d say she was fine.

“On a scale of one to ten, a two. Seriously, I think you’ve got a couple of scratches that look much worse from Patches trying to climb Mount Samtastic.”

Sam chuckled but grimaced at the reminder of the kitten’s sharp claws. “Yeah, well, this weekend he goes to the groomer to get those knives trimmed. George should be back by eight at the latest and then I’ll be home.” 

Jules nodded. “Should give me plenty of time to get the laundry done.”

“Take it easy. A two on your pain scale has got to translate to a five or six on most other people’s scales.”

Rising on her tip toes, Jules placed a chaste kiss on his lips. “I don’t plan on letting it stop us from enjoying an early night in. Even if it does mean I’m humming again tomorrow. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get ready to get out of here. I don’t want to keep Sarge waiting.”

Sam pulled her close to him. “You need help with a shower? I seem to remember the medic telling you not to get that bandage wet.”

“Tonight I‘ll definitely take you up on that. For now, I‘ll simply change clothes and no, I don‘t need your help for that. Get out of here or you really will have the guys giving you a hard time.”

As she turned to her locker to do just that, Sam pulled her close for one more hug and kiss. After he left, she wasn’t surprised to find herself once more humming to herself as she changed out of her second uniform of the day back into her civilian clothes. Five minutes later she met Greg at Winnie’s desk. She was a little disappointed to see that Sam was already around the table in the briefing room with the rest of Team Four. 

The ride to her house was quiet and Greg pulled up in front and parked. He turned to face her. “Like I said, a patrol car will be passing by at least once an hour. You hear anything suspicious, you call 9-1-1 immediately and a unit will come by sooner.”

“I’ll be fine. Promise.”

“I know you will.” They both got out of the car and she knew he wouldn’t be satisfied until he walked her safely to the door. As she unlocked and opened the front door, Greg indicated the empty garbage cans at the end of the driveway. “Want me to bring those up for you?”

Jules shook her head. “Nah, Sam will get them when he gets home. He opens the tailgate of the jeep and sets them on that so he doesn’t have to carry them. He puts them in the back and comes in through the back door. He says the extra work gives him an excuse for raiding the fridge for a beer as soon as he walks in. Thanks for the lift home. I promise, I’m bolting the door and no one’s getting in until Sam gets home. Even if Brad Pitt shows up wanting to woo me away from all this.”

Greg gave her an awkward hug and said goodbye. He didn’t step off the porch as Jules closed the front door and she knew he wouldn’t until he heard the bolt being drawn. Once he heard that, he turned and made his way back to his own vehicle, satisfied that she was safely tucked away for the night. 

Little did either of them know that the danger wasn’t on the outside of the house but already waiting inside.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some graphic violence that wasn't in the version posted at fanfiction.net

“You hold still, I’m not going to hurt you.” 

Jules held Patches tucked securely but gently under one arm so that she could extend one of his paws with one hand and hold the pet clippers with the other. The kitten didn’t like the idea of having his claws trimmed but relented when he realized Jules wasn’t going to let him go. He protested loudly with is meows as if she were torturing him terrible. 

“Really, it’s not that bad. I know Sam tried to do this to you the other night and it didn’t go so well. That’s why he wants to let the groomers do it but that’s just silly. See, one paw clipped and no blood drawn by either of us. Let me do the other front paw and I’ll give you a break on the back ones until I switch the load in the washer to the dryer and get the next load started.”

She made quick but careful work out of the second paw and set the clippers on the coffee table. She took a quick drink from her glass of Sprite she’d poured earlier. She gave the kitten cuddles as praise for him letting her cut his nails and then carried him into the kitchen with her. Before setting him down to change the laundry over, she further rewarded him with a cat treat. He ate the morsel and then took off as if afraid he was about to be tortured again. 

Jules laughed. “You can run but I know all your hiding spots.” She opened the dryer and moved the wet clothes from the washer over to the dryer. Once it was full, she turned the knob to let it dry for an hour and then tossed more clothes into the washer. As she reached for the soap to add to the mix, something fell in the other room. She paused. “What did you knock over now?”

She set the soap to one side and made her way back to the living room. A framed photograph of Sam and her that usually sat near the edge of a table near the stairs was now lying face down on the floor. Patches was sitting on his favorite spot on the third step staring at her innocently. She bent down and picked it up, glad to see the glass hadn’t broken. She gave the kitten a mock glare as she returned the picture to its spot on the table. “Watch it, Buddy. What have we told you about jumping up on tables? Behave and I’ll be right back.” 

She returned to the laundry room, stopping first by the coffee table to retrieve her glass. She drained the remaining liquid as she returned to the kitchen. She placed the glass in the sink and finished putting the washing powders in the machine. Closing the lid on the machine she gripped the edges as the world suddenly tilted 360 degrees. She shook her head which suddenly felt cottony and sluggish. 

Was she getting sick? She’d been spending a lot of time at the hospital and knew that place was a veritable germ pool. As the spinning subsided, she turned the machine on and turned to go back to the living room. Maybe Patches could wait about his back claws after all. A nap was probably all she needed. She stumbled out of the laundry room finding her legs were suddenly heavy and clumsy. Nothing on her body seemed to want to cooperate with her. The feeling reminded her of the last time she’d had to have a cavity filled and the way the nitrous oxide had made her feel. A sudden dread settled in her stomach. Had she been drugged somehow? She couldn’t imagine how. Lunch had been hours ago and the only thing she’d had since she got home was the Sprite. 

Her cell phone was sitting on the coffee table and as she tried to stumble her way over to retrieve it and call for help, her eye fell once again to the framed picture of Sam and her. It was no longer standing where she put it but lying face down instead. 

Her heart was pounding and she wasn’t sure if it was a result of her increasing fear or whatever was turning her body against her. Her phone was only a couple more steps away but as she came between the couch and coffee table, her legs quit working completely. She fell hard and was grateful for the soft carpet that cushioned her fall. She tried to lift her hand up to pull the cell phone down to her but her arms wouldn’t work. Nothing seemed to be working. 

No, that wasn’t true she told herself. She could see even though even her eyelids seemed to have joined the strike the rest of her body was taking and all they could see was the beige of the carpet beneath her. She could breath even if it did seem like her lungs were struggling for each breath it took in. Her heart was racing fiercely threatening to burst out of her chest with its heavy pounding. Her mind, though cottony and sluggish was still processing her thoughts. And she realized her ears were still working as the sound of a door opening and closing somewhere close to her reached them. 

She couldn’t lift her head but she could hear the footsteps as someone approached her. Something soft was slipped around her head, taking away one of the few senses that seemed to be working. She reasoned that whoever was in the room with her had tied a scarf around her eyes, blindfolding her. Slick hands rolled her over and Jules realized the intruder was wearing what felt like latex gloves. 

She tried to scream but her vocal cords refused to utter so much as a squeak. It was as if her whole body was suddenly paralyzed. A mouth covered hers and her stomach would have twisted in revulsion but she wasn’t sure it was even working like it should. She couldn’t bite down on the tongue that was suddenly plunging into her threatening to gag her. 

Her attacker said nothing and she could see nothing through the cloth that covered her eyes. There was nothing to confirm his identity but she knew it was Johnny. The smell of aftershave that drifted down her nostrils was the same as the night before. Sam and Greg had both warned her not to underestimate her uncle. They had both sensed the danger that she hadn’t wanted to admit could exist. She’d promised not to take unnecessary risks and she hadn’t. She was locked inside her own house. She should have been safe.

Small buttons flew all over the place as her shirt was roughly ripped open. Almost tenderly the garment was pushed down her arms in such a stark difference to the manner in which it had been torn open. The clasp of her bra was popped open next and it fell away presumable to join her top. 

Jules was finding it hard to breathe. Her lungs didn’t feel like they were pumping as they should which was just made worse by the fact that her attacker’s tongue was still plunging in and out of her mouth, threatening to choke her. A hand gripped the back of her head and suddenly jerked it back. It felt like he was trying to pull her hair out by it’s roots. But at least it removed his tongue from her mouth. 

He pushed her back down to the carpet face down. He gripped her hands behind her back. Another piece of materials slipped around her wrists and then tightened. She couldn’t understand why he was tying her wrists together since she couldn’t move them at all. It had to be just an intimidation attempt. 

Her heart skipped a beat. Of course this was Johnny even if she couldn’t see him. She’d bragged to him the night before about how she could stand up to him and defend herself against him if he tried anything. Told him that she wouldn’t be paralyzed or intimidated by him any more. Now, less than twenty four hours later, she was finding herself being both by an unknown assailant. It couldn’t be coincidence. 

Hands flipped her back over and her head was lifted. A wet rag was pushed into her mouth and swirled around. Again she felt herself starting to choke and the breath that was coming at such a difficulty for her was taken away by the taste and smell of the alcohol that the rag was soaked in. She recognized the taste even if she didn‘t drink it very often. Rum, kept in the house for the occasional get-togethers with the team or for the occasional baking she did. Darkness nibbled the edges of her consciousness and for a moment she longed for it to consume her. She was helpless to defend herself and Sam wasn’t due home for several more hours. There was nothing to stop him from carrying out all the vile acts that had happened to her twenty years ago and probably worse from happening to her again. Unconsciousness would be preferable to having to live through it.

The rag was removed and it was suddenly easier for her to breath. He apparently wasn’t going to let her lose consciousness. It was as if he wanted her powerless but aware of everything that was happening to her. Gloved hands gripped her waist and lifted her, tossing her on the couch. Her shoes and socks were removed and then her jeans and underwear quickly followed them. 

She was very much aware of the fact that she was lying on the couch, naked, blindfolded and her useless arms tied behind her back. Nothing was going to be able to save her now and as she felt the weight of her attacker join her on the couch, she longed for the ability to scream and bite and kick. One word kept running through her brain like a mantra.

_Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus. Walrus._

His hands closed over her breasts. There was no trace of the gentleness and love she was beginning not only to become used to but to almost crave from Sam. His hands squeezed and groped her breasts in bruising force. She wanted to cry out in pain and rage against the fact that she was being denied even that comfort. Then his mouth closed over her right breast, alternating between biting and licking the nipple to trying to take as much of her breast into his mouth as possible and biting and sucking the skin it found. Soon he switched over to the left breast and did the same thing to it. 

As he switched back and forth from one breast to the other, a hand drifted down to her private area. Screams she was denied expressing out loud filled her head and deafened her as several fingers roughly intruded into her sex at one time. Even still she could make out her attacker’s grunts around her breasts. The pain in her lower area was unlike anything she’d ever experienced, even worse than the last time a man had shoved his fingers in that same place twenty years ago. It felt like he was ripping her open. 

When she didn’t think she could take the pain any longer, his hand suddenly pulled out of her and those same fingers touched her cheek. They were wet but it didn’t feel like the same kind of wetness she’d felt on her panties the night before. When a finder slid into her mouth she could taste something coppery. She was bleeding. The bastard had hurt her enough to make her bleed. His mouth left her breasts only to turn its attention to her core. 

The night before the one tentative lick Sam had made beneath her panties had sent her immediately going for the code word. The action as well as her reaction to it had taken her completely by surprise . It had both scared and thrilled her at the same time. Enough so that it had sparked the most incredible night of sex she’d ever had. Though she knew Sam would have to be convinced after her strong reaction the night before, she’d planned to ask him to try again tonight. With Sam it was so perfect and so right and something she wanted to explore. 

This however wasn‘t. Her assailants licks and bites on the area that was already hurting so much from the intrusion of his fingers inside her was the complete opposite of anything she had or would ever experience with Sam. She tried to distance herself from what was happening but the pain kept her all too aware of what was going on. Tears, a luxury that whatever drug she’d been given had at least afforded her, coursed down her cheeks soaking the material covering her opened eyes. 

He pulled away completely and she would have sobbed in relief if she’d been able to. She heard the sound of metal against metal and realized he was unbuckling his belt buckle. If she were able she would be shaking uncontrollably. Twenty years ago she’d been spared that final humiliation by her mother’s timely arrival. Jules couldn’t imagine anything saving her this time. His gloved hands brutally gripped her legs pushing them as far apart as they would go. Far enough that she was afraid he was going to put her hips out of place. Something poked at her entrance and she knew it was just a matter of seconds before he plunged his condom-covered manhood in the same channel that his fingers had already so savagely assaulted. 

The phone rang. After the fourth ring, the machine picked up. Jules had never been so glad to hear Sam’s voice. Even if it didn’t stop what was about to happen and she had to endure worse than her worst nightmare, she could hold on to whatever words the man she loved had to offer her. 

“Jules, you there, Babe? The childbirth class George was supposed to attend got cancelled at the last minute so he came on in. I’m pulling into the driveway now; just didn’t want to scare you if you heard me banging around. Love ya.”

Her assailant cursed. The one word neither confirmed or eliminated her suspicions of who her attacker was. For a moment she didn’t think Sam’s message was going to deter her attacker. The already impossible strong grip he had on her legs tightened and she wondered if it was possible for his thumbs to pierce right through the skin. Wasn’t he scared that he was going to get caught? Jules couldn’t be sure if Sam had called before or after he’d placed the garbage cans in the back of the jeep but it still shouldn’t be but a matter of a couple of minutes before he came into the house. Certainly not time for her assailant to finish was he seemed so desperate to do AND get away. If she could talk she’d warn him of that. Anything that would prevent him from continuing.

After what seemed like an impossibly long time of indecision, he pulled away from her. The rustle of his pants being pulled back up was as welcoming a sound as the scrape of his belt buckle had been terrifying. It would be over now; he would leave before he could be caught.

The back door opened, the sound loud in the otherwise silent house. “Hey Babe, did you get my message?”

She figured her assailant would leave her lying there and make a run for it. Instead he pulled her up with him and started to drag her in the direction of what she could only assume would be the front door. Her heart continued to pound; if he took her with him then there would be no end to her nightmare. Wouldn’t her naked, unwieldy body just slow him down?

A door closed and she realized she was alone with her attacker in the coat closet by the front door. What was he doing? She could hear Sam moving about the living room. Had he not noticed her discarded clothes on the living room floor? Something wet touched her breast and she realized it was the rag he’d stuffed in her mouth earlier, the one soaked in rum. He wiped the rag roughly around each breast and then moved it lower. The alcohol burned her sore sensitive area as he roughly scrubbed that area as well. 

She heard Sam lightly running up the stairs and then the sound of the bedroom door opening and closing. He was looking for her, wondering where she was. Yet she was powerless to let him know how to find her. Her assailant dropped her to the floor of the coat closet. Something hard and almost sharp was poking into her hip and it took her a moment to realize it was one of the ice skates that stayed in the closet until winter made ice skating a regular activity. She heard the door open and the close again and knew she was closed up in the coat closet all alone. She could only hope that Sam would be okay.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  


Sam was confused. Jules had promised she was coming straight home and staying there. But where was she? He’d heard the washing machine and dryer running when he’d passed through the kitchen so he knew she’d been there even though the room was currently empty. Not seeing her or getting a response from her downstairs, he’d gone upstairs to their bedroom to check for her there. Still no luck. He left the bedroom they shared together and went down the hall to the guest bedroom. Maybe she was straightening up in there. After all, they’d both been too tired after their experience the night before to straighten the bed or pick up their clothes and they hadn’t had a chance to do so that morning either. It was empty as well.

She’d promised not to take unnecessary risks and he trusted her not to go back on that promise. She also knew how worried he was. Even though she wasn’t expecting him home for several more hours, if something had come up, some emergency with her father or just her brothers or a friend stopping by to take her to dinner or something, she would have called and let him know or sent him a text message at least. Not because she thought she had to report all her comings and goings, but because she was that considerate of his feelings. 

He headed back downstairs and stopped halfway down. The front door, which had been closed when he’d gone upstairs was now half open. He ran down the stairs and looked out the door, seeing nothing to indicate who had opened it. He stepped back inside and closed the door. He reached for his cell phone and dialed her cell. He heard her distinctive ring tone coming from the same room. He located the sound easily enough on the top of the coffee table. She wouldn’t have left the house without her phone. He wasn’t sure where else to look and wondered if he should call her brothers to see if they had talked to her. Something cracked beneath his shoe and squatting down saw that it was a button. 

He frowned, wondering how it had gotten there. A look around showed several more and he felt his heart rate quicken with worry. It was then that he noticed the discarded pile of clothes between the couch and coffee table. Clothes discarded haphazardly the way he might discard them as he undressed Jules for a night of lovemaking. 

His stomach tight with worry, he reached for his cell phone again. He quickly dialed Greg’s number. It seemed to take forever for the SRU sergeant to answer, but he finally heard the hello. “Boss, Sam. Jules is missing.”

He quickly filled him in on what he knew. He wanted to panic, wanted to throw something, anything, everything he could get his hands on. If Johnny had hurt Jules even a little bit, nothing would be able to protect him once Sam got his hands on him. He picked up Jules’s discarded shirt even though as a cop he knew he shouldn’t disturb anything. He buried his face in it and prayed that wherever she was, she was safe. 

Greg promised he’d be there as soon as possible. Sam ended the call and continued to sit on the floor clutching her shirt to him, suddenly overcome with emotion Minutes ticked by and still he sat there. He felt useless. He should be doing something to find her but it was as if he couldn’t even think of anything except what might be happening to her. The only damn thing he could do was sit there in tears when who knows what could be happening to the woman he loved.

Small paws pressed against his jeans covered leg. He looked down to see the kitten looking up at him plaintively. Patches meowed and then arched his back in a stretch before climbing up onto Sam’s leg. Not satisfied, the kitten then put his paws against Sam’s shirt, preparing to climb even higher. Sam immediately recognized the difference in his claws. He shook his head, chuckling through his tears. Jules had been teasing him about the concept of paying someone else to trim the kitten’s claws. She must have started the job when she got home. Absently he rubbed the kitten’s fur and then pulled the kitten back to look at him carefully. 

“I guess you witnessed everything that happened here, didn’t you. Too bad you can’t talk; maybe you could tell me what happened to Jules. Maybe even help me find her couldn‘t you?”

There was a sharp knock at the door and Greg let himself in. He crossed the room and knelt down beside the distraught man giving his shoulder a squeeze. Sam set the kitten back on the floor and turned toward his boss. “She’s gone, Boss. He’s taken her.”

“We don’t know that, Sam. Not for sure. I know you are worried but there could still be a reasonable explanation.”

“Look around Sarge, those are the clothes she wore to and from work today including her bra and panties. Trust me when I say Jules isn’t in the habit of getting naked in the living room and then walking upstairs to change clothes. And she definitely isn’t in the habit of ripping the buttons off her favorite blouse. He’s taken her, you know it and I know it. So don’t sit there and try to pretend there’s some fucking reasonable explanation.”

Greg sighed. “I hear you, Buddy. On the way over, I called the station. Team 4 is going to go over to Kennington House and see if Johnny is there. If he has her, we’ll find her.”

There was a sound of claws scratching wood and Sam whirled around, to see the kitten scratching at the coat closet door. He picked up a cat toy that had been abandoned near the chair and chunked it at the door scaring the kitten away from it. “Damn it, Patches. You know better.”

Greg had never seen Sam that out of control, not even after Jules had been shot. Much like he would a subject who was escalating at a scene, he had to redirect Sam’s attention. “Sam, have you checked everywhere in the house?”

“I called out to her and she didn’t answer. She’d answer if she was here.” Sam explained.

“Not if she’s unconscious or gagged. Whatever happened might have started in here and then he could have dragged her elsewhere.” Greg offered. It was obvious Sam was too blinded by his fear to think logically; it would be up to him to do so. “Now, where all have you looked?”

“Kitchen, laundry room, both bedrooms, here.”

“Okay, let’s check the rest of the house just to make sure. We check everywhere, under the beds, closets, bathrooms, anywhere he could have hidden her.”

They started upstairs leaving no place unchecked. There was no sign that she’d even been there since coming home. Coming back downstairs, Sam was annoyed to see that Patches was once again clawing at the coat closet door. He stopped, his breath coming in shallow gasps. Just before Greg’s arrival he’d been wishing the cat could help him find Jules. What if Patches really was? 

He almost fell down the rest of the stairs in his haste to get to the closet. He swung the door open calling Jules’s name. He was both relieved and horrified to see her lying on the floor of the closet. “Jules? Oh God, Baby. It’s okay I’ve got you now. Boss, she’s here. I found her.”

He dropped to his knees and lifted her carefully in his arms. She made no reaction to his touch or call. He figured she must be unconscious. Keeping one arm firmly around her back, crushing her to his chest, he reached behind her and loosened the bindings around her wrists. He recognized the tie that had been used as one of his own. He ran a gentle finger across her wrists knowing the tightness of the bindings had to have hurt her delicate skin but grateful to feel her pulse strongly present under his touch. Next, he reached up and untied the scarf that was serving as a blindfold. The scarf he also recognized as a gift Jules had received from Natalie on her last birthday. 

“EMS is on the way. I asked that they send a female medic if all possible. I also have police units on the way. How is she?” Greg eased down beside him. 

“I don’t know, I can’t tell. It’s too dark in here.”

“Let’s get her out in the living room then so we can check her.” Greg’s voice was calm. He hoped it would help to calm Sam down as well. He moved out of the way giving Sam to ease out of the closet with his precious cargo. Greg didn’t want to disturb anything else in the living room until a crew could come in and process any potential evidence but didn’t want Jules lying there exposed to every eye that came in. He ran back upstairs and returned just as quickly with a light blanket from the end of their bed. 

Sam had was sitting on the floor with Jules cradled in his lap. He was whispering comforting words to her. Greg covered her naked body with the blanket and reached out to push her hair back. Her eyes were opened but she gave no sign of being aware of anything, with the exception of the tears that were running down her cheeks. Though he had never seen one for himself, Greg knew about her panic attacks in the past and this had all the signs of a bad one. He couldn’t blame her given what she’d already been through and what she might have been through here. 

As Sam continued to whisper in her ear, Greg gave her a clinical once-over. Her pulse was strong but her breathing was shallow as if she were having trouble breathing. There was a slight bluish twinge to her lips that concerned him. He hadn’t seen anything that looked like life threatening injuries in the brief moments before covering her with the blanket. He also caught a whiff of rum that seemed to be coming from her but he couldn’t understand it. Jules might drink a beer or two, maybe a mixed drink when out with the team but he didn’t think she drank anything harder than a beer when she was alone. He frowned realizing he hadn’t seen her blink once since he’d been checking her. Even if she had slipped into a sort of panic-induced catatonia, she should still be blinking at least occasionally. 

Sirens came closer and then stopped in front of the house. Giving Sam’s arm a comforting squeeze, Greg went to let the medics in. One of the medics was Steve and the other a female medic that Greg had seen on calls but couldn’t remember her name. They pushed a stretcher inside as Greg filled them in on what they knew. Steve knelt beside Sam. 

“Sam, let us take a look at her.”

For a moment it didn’t look like Sam was going to release his hold on her enough to let the medics examine her. Greg was about to intervene but Sam finally laid her gently on the floor. He couldn’t bring himself to move completely out of the way, and instead continued to sit near her head, running his hands soothingly through her hair. Steve took a pen light and shined it in her eyes. 

“Pupils are equal and reactive to light.” He took her hand in his. “Jules, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” 

There was no response. The female medic pulled the blanket away so she could perform an exam. Sam wanted to protest and say that Jules wouldn’t want to be exposed like that for everyone to see. Actually what he really wanted was for Jules herself to protest. The female medic attached three leads to the heart monitor to Jules’s chest and a meter on her finger. She slipped the blood pressure cuff on Jules’s arm and pumped it up. She frowned.

“Heart rhythms okay. BP a little high - 140 over 87. Pulse ox’s what’s bad. 90 on room air. She’s not getting enough oxygen. We need to bag her.” 

She pulled a oxygen mask that was connected to a big blue bulb on the end. She placed it over Jules’s mouth and nose and looked at Sam. “You can help us by squeezing that blue bag once every five seconds.”

Sam nodded. In between squeezing the bag, he continued to offer reassuring words to Jules. He didn’t know if she could hear him or not but wanted her to know she was safe if she could. Steve looked across to his partner. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

The female medic nodded curtly. Greg frowned. He’d been standing back talking to the uniformed officers that had responded to the call, trying to respect Jules’s dignity as much as he could. “What are you thinking?”

“Won’t know for sure until we get her to the hospital and they run a blood test but I’d say she’s been drugged.”

Sam blew out air from his own lungs with every squeeze of the bag as if it would help Jules breathe better. “What kind of drug? Will she be okay?”

Steve looked at the bruises already starting to form on Jules’s breast. It killed him to think someone had so brutally hurt the young women he’d once dated. They had never reached a state of intimacy in their brief relationship that included sex, not that he hadn’t been interested. Somehow it seemed completely wrong that this was the way he was seeing her undressed body for the first time. He recovered her with the blanket. “There’s a new rape drug making the rounds right now. Possibly more sadistic than either GHP or Rohypnol. One comprised mostly of a neuromuscular agent. It effectively paralyzes the victim making her incapable of fighting back or even moving at all but leaves her completely aware of everything that’s going on.”

“Let’s get her on the stretcher.” The female medic suggested. They carefully moved her to the stretcher and Steve gave her hand the squeeze he couldn’t get from her. “Jules, I know this is probably way scarier than anything you’ve experienced before but we’re going to take care of you. I know you want to respond but you can’t. The effects of the drug you were given will start to wear off but it’s going to take awhile. We’re going to transport you to the hospital but Sam’s going to be right here with you the whole time.”

Greg was glad to hear that Steve recognized the fact that there was no way Sam was going to let them transport Jules without him. “Sam, I’ll finish up where with the officers and then meet you at the hospital. I’ll call her brothers and the rest of the team and let them know what’s going on. She’s going to be okay.”

Sam barely heard him. Still maintaining the rhythm he’d been told to keep with the ambu-bag, he leaned down so the could whisper in Jules’s ear so that only she could hear him. “Jules, Sweetheart. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to find who did this to you and then I’m going to fucking kill him.”


	29. Chapter 29

There were twenty-eight steps from one wall of the ER waiting room to the wall on the other side. Sam knew how many steps there were because he had counted them in one of his many treks across the path. Now he was working on counting how many times he could make those twenty-eight steps in a five minute span of time. At a minute fifteen, he was on pass fifteen. He ignored the annoyed looks he was getting from other people sitting in the waiting room waiting for word about their loved ones. They could pass the interminable amount of time the way they wanted to, this was the way he was choosing to spend his. 

How long had it been since Steve and the female medic -- did she say her name was Molly or Mary? -- had wheeled Jules into a curtained off cubicle and a nurse had redirected him to the waiting room to fill out way too many forms and to wait? It felt like an eternity. Didn’t they realize that he should be back there with Jules? That she needed him? That he needed her? 

“Sam?” Steve approached him quietly, much the way someone would approach a rabid dog. 

Sam didn’t stop his pacing. 26, 27, 28. Turn start back for pass 16. 1, 2, 3... He didn’t want to stop or be stopped unless it meant getting to change direction and walking however the hell many steps it took to reach Jules’s side. With a sigh Steve motioned for Sam to take a seat in one of the hard plastic chairs that hospitals seemed to insist on for waiting rooms. Sam shot him a lot and kept pacing. So Steve paced with him. 

“She’s doing better.” That got Sam’s attention but didn’t make him stop. “The doctor is still examining her but I thought you’d like an update before Mindy and I head out.”

Mindy, well, he’d at least gotten the first initial right. 

Steve continued. “She’s slowly regaining the ability to blink and her breathing is evening out on its own. Means her involuntary muscles are starting to work again.”

Great, she can blink. Must make things a helluva less scary for her. 26, 27, 28. Turn start pass 17. 1, 2, 3 … “How long until the drug wears completely off?” 

Steve shrugged, encouraged that Sam was actually speaking. “Depends on how much she was given. From what I understand, it wears off in stages. Involuntary muscles return first followed by gross motor skills. The fine motor skills take the longest. If I had to guess, and this is only a guess, she’ll be pretty well back to normal by tomorrow morning.”

Normal? Was that possible? Sam didn’t know what the animal had done to Jules but just seeing her naked bruised body told him she’d been forced to relive at least some of her worst memories and was possibly subjected to worse. What could be normal about that? “When can I see her?”

“Soon, I’m sure. Once the doctor finishes his initial exam…” 

Sam stopped on step 20 and turned to face Steve, his expression dark and dangerous. “He? What do you mean he? You saw her Steve, you’ve got an idea of what that bastard did to her. The last thing she needs is for another strange man to be poking and prodding her especially in her current state.” 

He pushed past Steve heading the opposite direction across the waiting room toward the information desk. A young blonde nurse smiled helpfully at him as he approached. “Can I help you, Sir?”

“Yeah, get me someone who actually has a brain in their head and a damn ounce of compassion that can change what doctor is treating Julianna Callaghan.”

The nurse blinked several times, looking at Sam owlishly. “Sir? I don’t understand.”

Sam gripped the edge of the counter, not caring if he was making a scene or taking his frustration out on someone who didn’t deserve it. “Let me see if I can make it easier on you. What kind of asshole sends a male doctor in to treat a female assault victim? Get him out of there and get a female doctor in his place. You do understand the difference between male and female don’t you? That’s Julianna Callaghan, the patient in Curtain 7. Do it now or so help me God, I’ll go back there and pull him out myself.”

“Sam!” Steve stepped between Sam and the desk. He flashed the nurse an apologetic look before pushing Sam back toward the chairs. “Listen to me. Trust me, I know both ER doctors on call today. You want Dr. Victors treating Jules. He may be a guy but you’ll never meet a more compassionate man. I’ve seen him treat assault victims before and he’s the best. Much better at it than Dr. Seagrove and she’s a female. Believe me, if Jules was still my girlfriend, Dr. Victors would be whom I would request to treat her.”

“But she’s not your girlfriend anymore is she?” Sam glowered. 

“No, no she’s not and I didn’t mean anything about what I said. Damn it, Sam. I know you’re scared and hurting but you can’t go off half-cocked in here. Security would remove you and then you wouldn’t get to see Jules when the time comes. She needs you but she needs you with your head in the game.”

Sam slumped into a chair and buried his head in his hands. “You’re right. I’m just going crazy thinking about what that bastard might have done to her, how scared she must be right now, how scared I am. When I got home and couldn’t find her I thought I was going to go out of my mind with worry. When I found her clothes laying there I think I did. I was sitting there knowing I should do something but unable to move. The whole time she was less than ten feet away and I couldn’t find her.”

“You did find her and she’s safe now. But listen to me on this because I’m not trying to piss you off or get myself punched in the process. You think you are going crazy out here? It’s probably a thousand times worse in there for her. She knows what that bastard did to her AND she’s trapped in her body unable to fight back or react in any way. We both know Jules and feeling helpless don’t go together. When you get back there she needs you to be the strong one until she gets that control back and you can’t do that if you are too busy feeling helpless and sorry for yourself.”

“Screw you. You don’t know what I’m feeling or what she’s feeling or what she’s already been through and what this is going to do to her or to me.” Sam’s words were low and dangerous but Steve was sensing a little more control coming back into him. He nodded and stood.

“You’re right, I don’t know. She never allowed me to get that close to her when we were dating. But she does you. You are going to do whatever it takes to get her through this because you love her. She’s going to let you because she loves you. Now I’ve got to get back on duty; I’ve left Mindy to restock the ambulance by herself. I don’t want to leave you alone though.”

“It’s okay, I’ll stay with him.” The female voice caught them both off guard. Dr. Luria smiled her thanks at Steve and then sat down on the other side of Sam touching his arm lightly. “Greg called me and told me what happened. Luckily I was still in my office finishing up paper work. He’ll be here as soon as he can. He told me to tell you that he got in touch with one of Jules’s brothers who’s on his way. The team knows but he asked them to stay away for the moment. They’re all concerned and want to be here but Greg told them, and I agree, that Jules probably doesn’t need a bunch of guys hovering over her tonight.”

“Sam, I’ll check on Jules later.” Steve promised and left.

The blonde man lowered his head into his hands. “I’m okay, Jules needs someone more than I do. Can you check on her? Don’t those credentials after you name get you some sort of easy access around here?”

“Where do you think I’ve been since Greg called me? I’d be back there with her still but they are doing the sexual assault exam and protocol won’t allow anyone back there with her except the forensic nurse collecting the evidence and the doctor treating her.”

Sam stood and resumed his twenty eight step pace. The idea that she needed a sexual assault exam sickened him. He was pretty sure she’d never had one after Johnny’s assault twenty years earlier. Hard to be tested when you’re too scared to admit it evem happened. His police training made him very familiar with the procedure and it sounded like it could be, while very necessary both to treating wounds and collecting evidence, just as painful and upsetting as the attack itself. 

He stopped at the end of one pass and looked at Dr. Luria. “How could you let them give her a male doctor? I know Steve said he’s good but he’s still a man. How can it be good for her to have a male doctor doing such intrusive tests after what’s she’s been through?”

Without waiting for her to answer, he started another pass. She didn’t get up and join him on his pace but stayed in her seat. Her eyes followed his every movement. It didn’t take any of her training to recognized that Sam was tightly wound. If pacing helped him expend that built up energy then at least it wasn’t hurting anyone or causing a scene. 

“Sam, Dr. Victors is the best. No, she’s probably not comfortable with him but she’s not comfortable with the female forensic nurse who’s actually doing those intrusive tests either. The doctor should be out to give you an update soon and once they’ve finished the exam, they’ll let you back to see her. I know that will make her feel better.”

Sam stopped his pacing and returned to the seat next to Dr. Luria. Had she realized she’d touched on his fear? “Will it? Dr. Luria, you know this isn’t the first time she was attacked, don’t you? That something similar happened to her as a teenager probably by the same animal who did it this time?”

“Not officially but I knew it had probably happened from what Greg told me last week. Jules really didn’t tell me much the day we talked and despite me giving her my cell number and encouraging her to call me, she hasn’t yet.”

Sam’s expression was grim. “Yeah, well, we both know Jules doesn’t like to ask for help on anything. She nearly broke her damn neck trying to get off the roof one day. She’d been up there fixing a shingle that had come loose during a storm. The ladder fell just as she was trying to get down. I was in the driveway changing the oil in the jeep and could have put it back in place without any problem but she never said a word. I didn’t know anything was wrong until I heard her cussing cause she landed wrong.”

To someone who didn’t know Jules, Sam’s story could sound like a gross exaggeration of the facts but Dr. Luria could see the event happening exactly the way Sam described it. She smiled softly. “Yeah, don’t think I have any work stories that top that one but I’ve definitely seen her independent streak shine through. More than a few uniformed officers have had their heads bitten off for trying to be gentlemanly and take a gear bag away from her to carry for her. But you didn’t start off worrying about her not asking for help. You were asking if your presence will make her feel better. You can’t seriously doubt that it wouldn’t.”

Sam sighed. “Can’t I? I don’t doubt that she’d want me there but will I make her feel better? What if I just make it worse?”

“What if I told you that she’s practically begging to see you?”

Her words hit him like a punch in the gut. He shook his head, the entire ambulance ride he’d tried to get her to say something, anything but she didn’t even release a simple grunt or moan, not even when Mindy put in the IV line. Mindy had told him not to worry because if she had been drugged with what they thought she’d been drugged with her vocal cords were paralyzed preventing her from talking. “She can talk again?”

“No, not yet. But since her eyelids are once more working we got her to communicate with us through blinking. You know, ask her yes/no questions. One blink is no, two is yes. Dr. Victors had already used the system to ask question he needed in order to treat her and I was standing near the head of the bed, out of the way of the doctor doing his job but where I know she could see me. They have her hooked to a heart monitor and her rhythms were all over the place. Not surprising considering how upset she probably is. I started noticing that every so often they would even out like she was calming down. But then would go erratic again a moment later. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it, but then realized her patterns seemed to level out every time something brushed against her curtain like someone was about to step in. Her cubicle is right across from the nurses’ station so it happened quite frequently. When no one came in, she’d get upset again.”

His hand clenched and unclenched in a fist, his heart breaking for what she must be going through. She was probably scared of every sound she heard knowing she couldn’t defend herself. Dr. Luria continued. 

“I asked her if she was scared someone was going to come in. It didn’t seem likely considering her rhythms seemed to improve but I figured it could be the equivalent of her holding her breath. She blinked once. So I asked if she was waiting for someone to come in. She blinked twice. You were the first name I asked her about and she didn’t blink twice she blinked like twenty times. Jules version of exclamation marks if you ask me.”

If Jules wanted him back there then he’d damn well do what she wanted. Sam stood, ready to burst back into the emergency department and to hell with whoever tried to stop him. Dr. Luria stood, putting her hand on his arm, sensing what he was thinking. Physically she knew she couldn’t stop him if he was determined to get to Jules but she had to tried to talk him out of it. “She’s okay, Sam. She knows you are here and that you would be back there if you could. I promised her you were close and that you’d be back there as soon as the doctor gave the word. Dr. Victors even offered to hold off the exam to give you a moment to see her first if that would make her feel better. She considered it, I know she did even though it’s hard to read her thoughts in her eyes even when she’s not drugged. But she blinked once. I think she knew if she said yes, she’d only get a few minutes with you and then you’d be sent out here again when they did the exam. She wants it done and over with, partly because she wants it past her but mostly because she needs you back there long term. Just please, for now be patient. Shouldn’t be but another five or ten minutes max.”

“SAM” Peter came practically running into the waiting room. “Where is she? How is she? Was it Johnny? Did he hurt my little sister again? Did someone put his ass below the ground?”

After introducing Dr. Luria to Jules’s brother, Sam sat back down and Peter and Dr. Luria joined him. Slowly, breaking down occasionally, he told them what he knew, still chaffing at the fact that what he did know was so little. When he finished, Peter shook his head, looking scared and angry all at the same time.

“It had to be Johnny. It would be too big a coincidence for it to be some random attack. Damn it. I think we were all looking forward to a night off from sitting up at the hospital with Dad, a chance to relax and do something normal. When I talked to her this afternoon she actually sounded happy about doing laundry. Actually she just sounded happy period. I couldn’t believe it when your boss called me and told me she was being transported to the hospital. I’ve tried to get hold of James but his phone is turned off. He had a date with his girlfriend and wanted to make it up to her for having to neglect her while Dad’s been sick. I didn’t want to call Mark or Ridge until I knew more and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call Dad and upset him.”

An older doctor with graying temples and a gentle face stopped at the information desk. Recognizing him, Dr. Luria touched Sam’s arm again. “There’s Dr. Victors.”

The doctor approached them as the three stood once again. Dr. Luria made the introductions. “Dr. Victors, this is Peter Callaghan, one of Jules’s brothers and this is Sam Braddock, her boyfriend.”

The doctor shook hands with both men and then fixed Peter with a concerned look. “Can we step into the consultation room and I’ll give you an update on your sister’s condition?”

“Anything you have to tell me, you can say to Sam as well. He’s as much Jules’s family as I am.”

The doctor nodded. He hadn’t really wanted to leave Sam out because he had gleaned from the almost one sided conversation that the psychologist had had with his patient that Sam was important to her. Still, he had to follow hospital procedures and speak to family only unless they waived that stipulation. “Okay, how about both of you follow me to the consultation room then?”

“Sam,” Dr. Luria intercepted. “I don’t think there’s much more I can do here tonight. I’ll check on Jules tomorrow when the drug has had a chance to wear off completely.” 

He nodded and offered the woman a hug, thanking her for being there for both him and Jules. Then he followed after Peter and the doctor. The truth was he wanted to hear what the doctor had to say about Jules’s condition but what he wanted more than anything was to be by her side. He wanted to gather her gently in his arms and hold her so that she knew no matter what had happened or how scared she might be, he was there and they would work through it together. He just hoped that no matter how much Jules might want that as well, her reactions to what happened didn’t prevent her from accepting his touch and his love.

The doctor led them past the information desk into the emergency room proper and to a small room that contained one small couch and a couple of chairs that looked much more inviting than the ones in the waiting room. They sat and the doctor touched the tips of his fingers together with both hands at his chin. “I’m not going to keep you long. I know you both are probably anxious to see Jules and I know she wants to see you as well. However I know you need to hear about how she’s doing.”

Jules, he called her Jules, not Julianna nor Constable Callaghan nor the one she hated the most Ms. Callaghan. He called her Jules, the name she preferred and felt most comfortable with even if she couldn’t feel comfortable about anything else. That and the doctor’s acknowledgement that he realized what they would rather do were both causing the man to rise in Sam’s estimation. Sam leaned forward. “In the ambulance she was having a lot of trouble breathing. Steve told me that was better. Is it?”

The doctor nodded. “One of the nastier side effects of the drug I’m sure she was given. We’re still waiting for the tox report to confirm it but we’ve seen the effects enough we’re reasonable sure of what we’re dealing with. We actually use a variation of it here in the hospital when we need to temporarily paralyze the muscles for simple surgeries. However when we used it clinically, it’s almost always on an unconscious patient in conjunction with an anesthesia. It paralyzes all of the muscles but doesn’t mask pain. In Jules’s case, it didn’t totally paralyze the diaphragm but it seriously compromised it’s ability to do its job. That’s why she was having trouble breathing. And yes, it is better. We have her on oxygen but we’re no longer assisting her breathing. Over the next few hours she’ll slowly start to regain use of all her muscles.”

“Is it painful?” Peter interjected, not liking the idea of his sister suffering. “You know, when her muscles wake up? Will it be that pins and needles sensation you get if your foot falls asleep and then starts to wake up?”

The doctor shook his head. “Thankfully no. But it’s not going to be a picnic for her. I can tell she’s already frustrated not being able to do the slightest thing. She can’t move her arms or legs, speak, or even turn her head on the pillow. She’s literally trapped inside her body. The drug isn’t posing a danger to her any more but I am going to admit her to the hospital until it works completely out of her system.”

Peter opened his mouth to ask the question weighing heaviest on his mind but closed it again just as quickly. He tried again but still couldn’t make the words come out. Finally he just blurted out his question before he could lose his nerve. “Was my sister raped, Dr. Victors?”

Dr. Victors waited a long painful minute before answering the question. “We don’t like to use the term rape anymore. The definition is too varied for it to be practical. I will confirm that an assault of a sexual nature took place but that’s as far as I will discuss it with you.”

Peter frowned. “I’m her brother.”

“Good for you. I’ve unfortunately haven’t gotten to meet her at her best but I from what I can gather she’s a remarkably strong young woman. However I don’t care if you are her Siamese twin, I’m not going to discuss the full nature of what happened to her with either of you. I will make a copy of my report available to the police -- and yes, Sam, thanks to Dr. Luria, I’m aware that both you and Jules are constables with the Strategic Response Unit -- investigating her attack. But other than that report that I am required to file, it will be up to Jules with whom she chooses to share the intimate details of what happened to her. She deserves to have control of that if nothing else.”

Peter looked like he wanted to protest. It had taken him twenty years to find out that his sister had even been assaulted when she was sixteen and he still didn’t know all the details of what happened to her then. What if she couldn’t talk about this attack either? 

Sam wanted to know the full story as well, more so to save Jules the agony of having to discuss it later, but appreciated the fact that the doctor was putting Jules’s feelings ahead of their need to hear the gritty details. He now understood why Steve and Dr. Luria thought so highly of the man. Still he couldn’t dismiss the memory of the bloody smudge on her cheek or the quick glimpse of a twinge of red on the inside of her leg he’d gotten when he pulled her from the front closet what seemed to be so many hours ago. “Can you just answer me one question? Please, you don’t have to go into details. How badly did that bastard hurt her physically?”

He couldn’t ask about emotionally because he knew there was no way of knowing the extent of the emotional damage until Jules was able to communicate with them with much more than just blinks and changes in heart rhythms. His eyes pleaded with the doctor to grant them that one mercy. 

Dr. Victors frowned. “She has some minor injuries but nothing that won’t heal on their own. In fact, if it weren’t for the drug she was given, I probably wouldn’t keep her. Would the two of you like to see her now?”

Sam and Peter followed the doctor down the hall toward the nurses’ station. Dr. Luria hadn’t been exaggerating when she said that Jules’s cubicle was directly across from the desk. The doctor pulled the curtain back and stepped aside so that the other two men could step inside. A young redheaded nurse in light blue scrubs turned to look at them briefly before returning to her task of checking the IV and monitors. But Sam barely noticed that there was anything or anyone in the room except for the woman in the bed. 

Someone had raised the bed so she wasn’t lying flat and could see who was coming and going without trouble. The pale green hospital gown someone had dressed her in made her already small frame seem even more dwarfed but at least it covered the bruises he was sure covered some of her most beautiful and delicate features. With the exception of the clear plastic mask covering her mouth and nose giving her oxygen and fact that the woman who didn’t know how to be still wasn’t so much as drumming a finger against the bed she was lying on, there was no outward sign that anything was wrong with her. Unless you looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes. 

He’d always heard the old saying that the eyes were the window to the soul but he’d never fully understood it until the night Jules had shown up at his apartment after the disastrous day of undergoing psych evals by Dr. Toth. He couldn’t be sure but he thought he might be the only one she’d ever allowed to see deep down into her soul. For everyone else she was so careful to hide behind whatever barriers she’d long erected to protect herself. She was so good at hiding the slightest hint her emotions from everyone else that the rest of the team refused to play poker with her saying her ability to bluff bordered on cheating. 

Sam couldn’t help but wonder if the fear, frustration, and pain he was seeing reflected in those deep pools were visible just to him or if the drug that had paralyzed everything else about her had stripped those protective barriers so that everyone could see what she was feeling. As their eyes locked on each other, he thought he caught a glimpse of something else appearing in her eyes. Was he really seeing relief or was he thinking he saw it because he was so relived himself to finally be back here with her? 

Dr. Victors cleared his throat. “We’ll leave the three of you alone. We’ll move her upstairs as soon as we get the room. If you need us, either push the button on the bed or call for us.”

Push the button, call, two things she wouldn’t be able to do on her own until the drug released her from captivity. The doctor and nurse stepped out the cubicle and pulled the curtain shut behind them. Peter shuffled inside and tentatively reached out to brush a hand lightly over her hair, just barely touching her as if he were scared he might hurt her.

“Hey Squirt. Don’t worry, it’s okay.”

Slowly as if she were having to concentrate really hard to make them, her eyeballs moved from Peter back to the edge of the cubicle where Sam was still standing frozen in place. Something in her eyes seemed to be pleading with him and his breath caught in his throat. He wanted to give her what she seemed to silently be asking for but felt rooted to his spot. He shook his head.

“Sweetheart, I don’t want to hurt you or crowd you.”

One blink. Sam took a deep breath and took a step closer and then another until he was at the foot of her bed. “Close enough for now, Babe.”

One blink. Sam swallowed hard. “Do you want me to hold you?”

One blink. His heart started to fall and he started to lower his head until he realized she hadn’t stopped at one blink. A second blink, then a third, fourth, fifth, so many times he lost count. Jules’s version of exclamation points as Dr. Luria had called them. Without hesitation, he sat on the bed beside her and gently scooped her into his arms and crushed her to his chest. For the first time since he’d arrived home to find her missing, everything felt right.


	30. Chapter 30

“Close your eyes and rest a little while.” Sam urged Jules, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. Though he could have held her snug against his body for the rest of the night and probably for the rest of their lives, he’d lowered her gently back to the bed after about five minutes. Her eyes were currently the only way they had of communicating with her and neither he nor Peter could see her eyes with her head crushed to his chest. He continued to sit on the bed facing her, his hands making constant little touches to her hair, her cheek, her hand, always watching for the slightest hint of fear in her eyes that would tell him his touches weren’t welcomed. And more than a little relieved when it didn’t appear forthcoming.

Blink.

“Sam’s right, Squirt. The sleep would probably do you good. I’m here and I don’t think there’s been a crowbar made that’s big enough to pry Sam away from your side.” Peter had pulled a chair up to the head of the bed and was leaning his head on the railing watching her as if he was afraid she’d disappear if he turned away for too long.

Blink.

“Jeeze Squirt, stubborn much?” Peter groused, only half joking. He hated seeing her so helpless. It just made sense to him that if she’d sleep, by the time she woke up maybe the worst of the effects would be gone. 

Blink. Blink.

Sam laughed out loud, the sudden outburst sounding almost out of place. He shook his head and glanced over at Peter. “At least she’s honest.” He turned his attention back to Jules. “Okay, well, if we can’t get you to nap, think you can answer a few questions for me?”

One eye went down while the other stayed wide open.

Sam cocked an eyebrow. “Is that your idea of maybe or depends?”

Blink. Blink.

Sam immediately knew why she was hedging her answer. It was only a matter of time before the painful questions began. Questions that as cops they’d been trained to ask victims who had been in her position. Questions that had to be asked if there was any hope of putting someone away for such a heinous crime. Yet knowing as necessary as the questions were and no matter how sensitive or compassionate you tried to phrase them, in the end they were still intrusive, personal, and in some cases even accusatory. He couldn’t lie and say some of those questions, at least ones she could answer with a straight yes or no, weren’t on the tip of his tongue. Questions that had been killing him since he’d found her. Was Johnny Dawson responsible for her current state? Had the attack still been taking place while Sam had been searching the house for her? Would she ever be able to forgive him for not getting there sooner and preventing every single bruise she now sported? Those were the questions he wanted to ask but he held his tongue, not wanting to pressure her if she could avoid it. “Are you hurting anywhere? Do you need something for pain?”

Blink.

Peter snorted. “You wouldn’t be lying to us, would you, Squirt?”

Blink.

Sam realized his mistake. He’d asked her two questions at the same time which could have had two different answers. It wasn’t a lie if she was answering one of the two questions truthfully, or at least that’s the way she would see it. He should have remembered that she was the queen of being evasive and been more careful about his phrasing. “Are you hurting but not bad enough to want something for pain?”

Blink. Blink. 

Sam nodded. “Okay, I won’t push it then. Understand that I’m going to keep asking you every so often because I don’t want you to lie there suffering because you can’t ask for something you need. I’m not going to ask you if you are comfortable because I know there’s no way in hell you could possibly be anywhere close to comfortable. Instead I’ll ask if you need me to try to move you into something somewhat close to being closer to comfortable than you are right now?”

Blink.

Her eyes looked suspiciously wet and he realized she was holding back tears. The tears hadn’t been there before he’d asked his question so there was something about it that had caused them. It was on the edge of his tongue to beg him to tell him but he stopped himself just in time. How he wished it was that simple. He frowned. If she needed something, he wanted to be able to get it for her; he simply had to figure out what it was. “You do want to be in a different position but you don’t want me sitting here playing twenty questions to figure out what it is. Am I right?”

Blink. Blink.

Peter pushed his chair back with a scrape. Sam turned his head to look at him, not missing the way Jules’s eyes tracked his movement. The older Callaghan ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Frustration he knew couldn’t be but just a fraction of what his sister was feeling. “Damn it. This is just freaking great. This is a hospital for Pete’s sake. You would think there would be something in their bag of tricks that would counter this drug. Are you seriously telling me that the best they can do is just let her lay there like a freaking blinking vegetable until the drug wears off?”

“Peter.” Sam’s tone held just enough of a threat to make the man stop.

Peter looked back at his sister. Her eyes were no longer just filled with unshed puddles of tears that were content to be held back. Fat droplets had slipped past the lower lid to run down the side of her face. He swore again realizing for the first time what he’d actually said and how she might interpret it. He leaned over her, brushing the fallen tears away. “Jules, I’m sorry, Squirt. I shouldn’t have…I didn’t think…I just…Damn it, Jules, you know me. I can’t stand to see you hurting, especially if there’s nothing I can do to make it better. I just feel so damn helpless which I know is nothing compared to how you feel. And then what do I damn well do but go and make you feel even worse. I probably shouldn’t be here. You probably want me to leave you the hell alone, don’t you?”

Blink.

Peter hung his head. “Thanks, Squirt.”

Sam looked back at Jules, giving her a slow wink. “Are all your brothers this out of control when it comes to protecting you?”

Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.

“Good to know.” Sam quipped. In truth, he understood exactly where Peter was coming from even if he wished her older brother had voiced his frustration in a different way. It was killing him watching her lie there so helplessly. He could remember sitting by her bedside, not on the bed as he currently was but beside it because they were trying -- more unsuccessfully than successfully at that point -- to keep their relationship from the rest of the team, after she’d been shot. He could picture her so perfectly lying there in a hospital bed not that unsimilar to the one she was currently lying in, slowly coming out from the anesthesia from surgery. Long before she ever opened her eyes or made a single groan, her body was in motion. Her head had moved from one side to the other, her hands had clenched and unclenched around the stark white sheets, and her legs had rustled the sheet that covered her. He’d been mesmerized by every move she had made, worried that she would pull stitches or otherwise cause herself pain but at the same time taking comfort in those small inconsequential movements that said she was still alive, that he hadn’t lost her just as he was finding her.

“Glad I can be such a source of entertainment.” Peter grumbled but it was obvious he wasn’t upset. The situation was temporarily defused and he returned to his seat, pulling it back up to the bed. “Jules, I don’t want to make things any more difficult for you than they already are. Still, you know I have to let the rest of the family know what happened…”

Blink.

Peter sighed. “Yes, you do. I have to tell them what I know, which isn’t all that much. We should have been there to support you twenty years ago but we weren’t. Now, I know for whatever reason you felt like you couldn’t tell anyone about what happened and I’m not blaming you. But it’s not going to happen again. I’m not going to let it. If all we get to know this time is that you’ve been hurt then at least we’re all going to be there for you however you need us. You know it’s the right thing to do even if you don’t want to admit it. Answer me this, would you want one of us keeping something this big from you? Wouldn’t you want to know? Even if there was nothing you could do to help other than just by being there?”

Blink. Blink. Another tear crept out with the second closing of her eyes. 

“Okay then, you see why I have to tell them. It’s not like I’m about to run upstairs to tell Dad. We’ll have to tell him eventually but we can work with the doctor to figure out the best way to tell him without risking his recovery. But our brothers need to know, tonight. I know as crazy as I’ve probably made you since they let me in here to see you, you might not want the whole clan descending on you but you don’t have to worry about that. Mark’s not going to be able to fly back out so soon after the last trip. Ridge probably won’t be able to get out of work to come back until the weekend either. So that just leaves James. He’s going to know something is wrong when he sees all the missed calls. If it’ll make you feel better, I can tell him you can’t have visitors tonight. You want me to do that?”

Blink. Blink.

Sam tapped her on her shoulder turning her gaze back onto him. “We still have a little matter of discussing how I can make you feel more comfortable. I know it’s frustrating not being able to just tell me what you want and it’s going to get better soon but until then, we’ll figure this out, Baby.” He lowered his head to Jules’s forehead wracking his brain for some sort of solution. Then he lifted his head, an idea coming to him. “Do you think you can come up with one short word that would clue me in on what you want.”

She thought for a long minute. Then, blink. Blink.

Sam smiled at her. “Okay, let’s Morse code it then. How many letters is it?”

Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.

“Four letters?”

Blink. Blink. 

Peter watched the exchange in fascination. He wondered if Sam realized he was effectively distracting her without making her feel so helpless.

“Okay then, hit me with the first letter.”

Three rapid blinks.

“S?”

Blink. Blink.

Sam nodded. “Okay, second letter?”

A fast blink followed by a long drawn out one.

“A?”

Blink. Blink. 

Realization clicked with Sam. “Safe? Is the word safe?”

Blink. Blink.

“Hey Squirt. Don’t worry about that. You are safe. Nobody’s going to get anywhere close to you while you are here or even once you go home. We’re all going to make sure of that.”

Blink.

“That’s not what she’s wanting.” Had it only been two weeks since she’d first started confiding in her the briefest hints of what she’d gone through? Confessed to him that even if the rest of her world seemed to be falling apart, she felt safe in his arms? If she wanted to be held, if she felt secure enough with his close proximity to request that he take her in his arms, could he really refuse her? Especially when it was what he wanted more than anything?

Still he didn’t want to miss being able to see anything her eyes needed to tell him. He looked around and came to a decision. He twisted on the bed so that he was sitting beside her, his back against the raised head of the bed. He snaked one hand under her back and turned her toward him so that her head rested at his shoulder tilted toward his head. He wrapped his other arm over her body almost cocooning her in his embrace. He leaned down so that he could brush a tentative kiss to her temple. “Better?”

Blink. Blink. And then, just in case there were any doubts. Blink. Blink.

“Think you can close your eyes and rest for a little bit? Just til they come to move you to a room upstairs.”

Blink. Blink.

He had so expected to see just one blink that the fact that she’d agreed caught him by surprise. Feeling like he just won a major victory, Sam gave her another quick kiss. With the hand that was over her body, he began to slowly caress her arm up and down the way he’d discovered seemed to soothe her when she was upset. Slowly her eyes began to drift shut. For a few minutes there was no sound in the cubicle but plenty of hustle and bustle out in the hallway. He watched her as she lay there with closed yes, taking in every minute detail of her face. The way the oxygen mask on her face clouded over and then cleared with each breath she took. Then he noticed that beneath her closed eyelids, her eyes were twitching. He couldn’t help but smile. That was his Jules, still in constant motion even if it was only with the one part of her body she could control.

Seeing Sam’s smile but unable to see her face from her new position in Sam’s arms, Peter raised a questioning eyebrow, made a sleeping like motion with his hands and head, and then pointed to his sister. Sam realized he was trying to ask if Jules was actually asleep. Sam shook his head. Even if her body wasn’t cooperating with her, he could still tell enough about the way she felt in his arms to know that she hadn’t given into sleep and was merely doing as he’d asked and was closing her to rest. He wasn’t sure he blamed her. What kind of hell would be waiting for her once she actually succumbed to sleep? He’d only gotten bare glimpses of the nightmares he knew still haunted her sleep twenty years after being attacked. How much worse would they be with the images fresh in her mind mixed with the memories of old? But at least she was feeling secure enough at least temporarily shut one of the few senses she still had control of.

The curtain eased to one side without the person opening it causing the rings at the top to slide across the metal pole holding it up. Both Sam and Peter looked to the opening as Greg stepped quietly inside, a small gym bag slung over his shoulder. He was being extremely quiet, much more so than the nurses at the desk on the other side of the curtain but when he saw that Jules’s eyes were closed he stopped walking closer, not wanting to risk making the slightest sound that would wake her. He needn’t have bothered because Jules’s eyes instantly few open, sweeping the room with a look of panic that eased only slightly when she discovered that the new presence she’d sensed was her friend and boss.

Seeing she was indeed awake, Greg continued closer, stopping at the foot of the bed so she could easily see him without intruding into her personal space. “Hey, Kiddo. Didn’t mean to wake you up. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. The rest of the team would be right here as well but I pretty much ordered them not to come by tonight. Gotta warn you though, they all sounded like they were feeling a little insubordinate about it, especially Spike. So don’t be surprised if they figure out a way to drop in before the night’s up. How are you doing? You hanging in there okay?”

Blink. Blink.

Sam explained the blink system to Greg who nodded approvingly. Everything about Greg screamed trustworthiness and safety. It was a demeanor that came easy for him and made him a good negotiator. It wasn’t an act but a way he had that could defuse a hostile subject, calm a frightened child, and win the trust of the most fragile victim. Sam had witnessed this side of the Boss a million times in the field and he knew Jules would recognize it as well. He only hoped Jules would also recognize that Greg was trying to make her feel at ease and not trying to put her in the role of that fragile witness. Greg smiled and nodded. “That’s good. Make sure you mind what the doctor tells you; he’s got those letters in front of his name for a reason. I just came from your house. The officers have finished processing it. I even brought you a change of clothes. I know how much you dislike those drafty hospital gowns.” He indicated the gym bag on his shoulder which he set on the foot of the bed. 

Change of clothes, a kind way of saying he realized she hadn’t been wearing any clothes at all when she’d been wheeled away in the ambulance. Still, Sam was glad Greg had thought about it. Surely wasn’t something that had even crossed his own mind at all until Greg had said something. 

Greg continued. “The officers at the scene need to get a statement from you of course but I convinced them it would be better for them to wait until morning. They weren’t happy about it but agreed to wait when I told them the medics suspected you’d been drugged.”

“They arrest the bastard who did this to her yet?” Peter practically growled from his seat at the head of the bed. “Was it Johnny?”

Greg sighed. “No arrests have been made as of yet. To be honest we don’t know who was responsible. There was no evidence at the house to indicate who the attacker was. Jules, I know this isn’t the right time but did you see who did this to you? Can you positively identify him?

Blink. A new tear fell down her cheek.

Sam wanted to put a stop to this. As much as he wanted and needed someone to pay for their actions, it wasn’t worth the cost of putting Jules through the wringer asking her questions. He whispered reassuring words in her ear and looked at Greg, silently asking him to back off. 

Greg nodded, but it was in response to Jules’s answer not Sam’s request, even though he wished he could. He’d brought her a reprieve from the officers working the case but there were too many things he needed to know and say. But like Sam, he didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she’d already been through. No matter how strong she was, even Julianna Callaghan had a breaking point and she had to be on the fine line of reaching it. “Jules, can I pull Sam away for just a few minutes? There are some things I need him to clarify for me.”

Blink. Several fat tears rolling down before a very hesitant second blink. A yes but the most reluctant yes Sam had seen all night. She would allow it but it wasn’t what she wanted. And at least for tonight, what Jules wanted trumped anything else every time. 

Sam set his jaw, tightening his hold on Jules ever so slightly. “I’m not leaving her. You can ask me here or it’ll have to wait.”

Greg’s eyes flicked from Jules to Sam and back to Jules. “Is that okay, Jules? Would you rather I talk to Sam here? I’d wait but another way I was able to get the officers to hold off coming down here tonight was that I promised to get a few questions answered that can’t wait. You already answered the biggie about not being able to recognize your attacker. For the others, I figured Sam could answer them just as well as you could. I want to make this as least painful for you as possible.”

Blink. Blink.

Peter stood up, leaning over the bed so that he could touch his sister’s cheek affectionately. As much as he wanted to know everything about what happened to her, he was slowly coming to grips with the idea that it had to be on her terms. If Greg Parker was going to ask painful, possibly embarrassing questions, he didn’t think Jules needed any more of an audience than was absolutely necessary. “Hey Squirt, I’m going to step outside and make those calls. I also need to call Dad. I’m not going to tell him what’s going on but he’ll be suspicious if I don’t call. Okay?”

Blink. Blink.

He leaned down like he was going to kiss her cheek but at the last minute affectionately rubbed the top of her head instead. As soon as he left the cubicle, Greg moved the chair the older Callaghan had vacated to the other side of the bed so he could sit but still see her eyes and still preserve her personal space. He was encouraged by the fact that she was allowing Sam such close proximity but didn’t want to push things.

“There was no sign of forced entry anywhere in the house. Now I’m presuming since Jules can’t identify her attacker, she didn’t let someone in. Am I correct, Jules?”

Blink. Blink.

“Okay so he had to have found some other way inside. Sam, do the two of you have a spare key that’s hidden outside the house?”

“No, we each have our own key and that’s it.”

Greg nodded, frowning. He was hoping there was some easy explanation for how the assailant had gained entrance. He really didn’t want to ask the next question in front of Jules but couldn’t see any other way. The officers would be processing the evidence collected at the scene probably all night and he wanted to spare the couple as much embarrassment as he could. “Sam, while bagging Jules’s clothes, an officer found an open foil condom wrapper discarded on the floor under the coffee table. Any chance it could have already been there and has nothing to do with the attack today?”

Jules’s eyes shut tightly and the oxygen mask around her mouth and nose collapsed inward before expanding out indicating she was breathing in hard sharp breaths before exhaling. Sam could feel the slight quiver in her body that indicated that her muscle responses were starting to return a little, at least enough to indicate distress. He took a few minutes to reassure her and to try to calm her before he could even think about answering. His own thoughts were racing. A condom? There could only be one reason for her attacker to use a condom. He searched Jules’s eyes for some hint that would tell him if this news meant that her attacker had used the missing condom for its intended purpose but she wasn’t even letting him be privy to that piece of information. He wasn’t sure if the fact that it was jus the empty packet and not an actual discarded used condom was better or worse. 

Greg hated seeing what his question was doing to the couple. There was no doubt the last few hours had been a living hell for both of them. Even though Jules was the one who’d physically suffered through the ordeal, he couldn’t deny the devastating toil it was having on Sam as well. He wished he could withdraw the question but he couldn’t. Questions, some much more personal and embarrassing, would have to be asked; it not by him, then by the officers working the scene. At least Sam and Jules knew he was there friend; the other officers might be familiar faces at scenes but were still at the heart of things, virtual strangers. Instead of backing off, he pushed a little more. “Sam?”

“No, it’s not…we don’t…I mean, I don’t…Jules takes…Condom? Shit.”

Seeing Sam stammering over trying to explain their sex life was almost more painful than knowing that Jules was lying there incapable of smacking Sam on the arm over his embarrassment while dryly telling Greg that it was none of his business what form of contraception they chose to use.

Greg eased Sam’s suffering. “Okay, I get the idea. It wasn’t yours. Sorry but I had to ask. Can I assume the scarf and the tie used to blindfold and restrain Jules…”

“They came from the house. I think both were sitting on top of the dresser in the bedroom last time I remember seeing them.”

“Sam, how much time do you think passed between you coming home and calling me?”

The question caught Sam off guard and he had to think hard for the answer. Figuring out what time he called Greg wouldn’t be a problem, a glance at his cell phone would tell him that. But the truth was he’d lost all concept of time from the moment he’d realized she was missing. It could have been two minutes or two hours for all he knew. He leaned his head against the bed knowing it was an important question or Greg wouldn’t ask it. Phone call, a memory jolted him suddenly.

“I don’t know. But there may be a way to find out. I called Jules to let her know I was coming home early. She wasn’t expecting me that early and I didn’t want to take a chance on her going all SuperJules on me thinking I could be someone else. I was pulling into the driveway when I made the call. I guess you could check the difference between the time I called her and the time I called you and get a pretty good idea. You trying to figure out how much time he had to get away?”

“Yeah, something like that. You said the front door was closed at one point but then opened when you came back downstairs. The units patrolling the area didn’t report any suspicious activity but maybe they saw something during that time not realizing it was important.” Greg explained hoping it would ease the sting of his next statement. “Sam, you know we’re going to have to get a DNA sample from you to compare with any biologicals we find…”

Sam paled, pulling away from Jules completely as the implication of Greg’s statement hit in with sudden clarity. “Sarge, are you suggesting….how could you….you think I drugged and raped Jules?”

The look of betrayal on Sam’s face cut Greg to the quick. “No, you know I don’t. But we still have to…Jules!” The sudden change from complete calm to sudden fear startled Sam enough to forget his disgust at what he felt to be an accusation. It took him a moment to recognize what had scared Greg so much. Had he still had his arms around Jules, he would have been the first to notice the sudden convulsive jerking in her shoulders. Sam’s initial fear was that it was some horrific side effect of the drug that her doctor hadn’t warned them about. When the first drops of a brown almost watery substance appeared on her lips, he realized she was throwing up. 

Immediately he leaned her forward and held her so that the vomit had no place to go but out over her sheet covered legs. Messing up her gown, the bed, and floor was a much better alternative than risking her aspirating any of the vomit into her lungs. Her current condition made the risk of asphyxiation much greater than normal. His heart was hammering so much he could hear the actual beats in his ears.

Greg knocked the chair over as he jumped up and tore the curtain away, loudly calling for help. Fortunately Dr. Victors was standing at the desk making notations on a chart. At Greg’s call, he and what seemed like all the nurses milling around came rushing into the cubicle. Barking out orders, the doctor pushed Sam out of the way so he could get to his patient. One nurse blocked Sam as he tried to get back to Jules.

“You’re going to have to step out. If you go to the waiting room, one of us will come get you once we have her stabilized.”

Sam towered over the nurse trying to keep him away and there was no way he was going to let her keep him from where he needed to be. “Like hell I will. I’m not going anywhere until I know she’s okay.”

Smaller she might be but she was used to dealing with difficult family members. She put a hand on his chest keeping him from stepping closer to the bed. “You’ve got to give us room. Please, if you won’t go to the waiting room, step out in the hall. You won’t be doing her any good if we’re too busy fighting you to help her.”

Greg gripped Sam’s arm tightly and pulled him back, but Sam planted his feet firmly to the ground making the movement difficult. It was as if the nurse’s words had fallen on deaf ears. They probably had because Sam’s only focus at the moment was the sight of Jules vomiting out of control. Seeing someone in the process of throwing up was never a pleasant sight but this was even more scary given Jules’s inability to hold herself upright as her body reacted so violently. “Sam, Buddy, we can’t get in their way. We won’t do Jules any good if we keep the doctor from treating her. We’re just going into the hallway. We’ll be right here if she needs us. And while I’d never say she doesn’t need you, right now she needs the doctor more.”

Slowly, reluctantly, Sam allowed Greg to guide him out. The nurse who’d been blocking his path followed them to the edge of the cubicle and closed the curtain again as soon as they crossed the threshold, blocking his ability to see in. Sam was shaking with both fear and rage. Greg released his hold on Sam’s arm and the younger man had to fight back the urge to draw his fist back and send his boss sprawling to the ground. Instead of punching his boss, he unleashed his anger on the closet object he could find. He swiped his hand across the desk, sending the charts lined up on the top clattering to the floor. His eyes were wet as he stopped himself just before kicking the desk as well. Instead, he turned and slid down the desk to a sitting position on the floor, the desk hard against his back. He looked up at Greg.

“Seriously, you think I did that to her? That I drugged her with a substance so heinous that she’s trapped in her own body unable to throw up without assistance? That I ripped the clothes from her beautiful body and then brutalized that same amazing perfect body leaving her bruised and bleeding? Do you honestly think I’m capable of being that kind of monster? I thought you were her friend. Our friend.”

Greg waved off the security guard who was coming closer after witnessing Sam’s rage against the desk. Giving himself time to form his words in a way that might actually penetrate Sam’s hurt and anger, he picked up the charts that littered the floor. He set them on the counter and then knelt beside Sam. 

“You know I care about both of you, Sam. I never said I thought you were responsible. You know how this works…”

“Yeah, I know exactly how this works. You didn’t have to say it. You come in here questioning about there being no signs of forced entry, asking about the fact that materials from inside the house were used in the attack, questioning my timing of calling you, demanding samples of my DNA to compare. What about any of that doesn’t say you suspect I was responsible? I’ve seen how this works all to often. The boyfriend or husband is automatically a suspect. I don’t care about myself; you want to think the worst about me, fine I can take it. But Jules deserves better. And while you all are wasting time suspecting me, the real monster is getting away. He gets away and Jules remains in danger.”

Greg sighed. “Yeah, we can’t just rule out the boyfriend or husband in home attacks like this. And I won’t lie and say your name as a suspect didn’t come up but only as quickly as it took to cross it off. The officers on the scene saw how you were reacting to Jules’s condition. That kind of love and concern can’t be faked. We aren’t going to let the person who hurt Jules get away and we aren’t wasting time pursuing a lead that isn’t humanly possible to believe.”

“Then why the samples?” Sam pushed.

“Because given the fact that both you and Jules are in a loving committed relationship, I’m pretty sure the two of you have had sex in that house before, more than likely within the last 48 hours. And while what goes on between boyfriend and girlfriend isn’t any of our business, we’re going to find your biologicals and we need a sample so we can eliminate what should be in the house with any foreign contributions that could belong to Jules’s assailant. It’s all routine and you would get that if you were thinking like a cop right now instead of the concerned boyfriend.”

Sam scrambled to this feet as several nurses filed out of the cubicle keeping the curtain firmly closed. He started back toward Jules but Greg stopped him. The doctor and at least one nurse was still inside. None of the nurses paid either man any attention. Sam wanted to demand they tell him something, but the words died in his throat.

A couple minutes later, Dr. Victors stepped out. Sam’s agitation was clearly evident and he knew it would be futile to request they go back to the consultation room. “She’s okay. I’m not sure what brought on the vomiting but it seems to have subsided for now. I’ve given her a shot of Phenergan to try to prevent a repeat.”

Sam knew what had caused the vomiting and felt responsible. He should have been expecting her to throw up instead of letting it catch him by surprise the way it had. It didn’t happen often because Jules was usually unflappable enough not to let things get to her that severely. But when situations or her emotions did manage to get the better of her, her body reacted to the negative effect by making her throw up. It seemed to Sam that her body felt it could expel the problem by getting rid of the contents of her stomach. The bigger the upset, the more violent the vomiting. Would it be any wonder if she experienced the mother of all vomiting jags with this?

“Can I go back in?” Sam was already two steps closer to the cubicle without waiting for an answer.

“Give us a couple more minutes. Brandy is cleaning her up and getting her changed. The last thing Jules needs right now is an audience watching her get a sponge bath, no matter how much she trusts that audience. It shouldn’t be much longer; I know you are anxious. We have a room ready for her; I was just about to come talk to you when you called out. We’ll move her once Brandy finishes. You can go up with her and stay with her as long as you and she wants.”

Sam nodded, not liking the continued wait but understanding and appreciating the fact that the doctor was protecting Jules’s dignity by letting the female nurse handle changing her gown in privacy. He couldn’t erase his worry completely however. “She’s okay though? The only thing I could think about when I saw she was throwing up was trying to keep her lungs clear.”

Dr. Victors smiled reassuringly. “It could have been very serious if she aspirated foreign matter into her lungs. But you did great preventing that from happening. I listened to both lobes carefully and they sound clear. It couldn’t have been easy seeing her like that but you reacted quickly and didn’t panic. Because of that, she’s okay.”

Sam nodded, still not looking completely convinced. The doctor walked off and Sam noticed that Greg was on his cell phone. He hadn’t heard the phone ring but it made sense that Greg would have turned his phone on vibrate while in the hospital. 

“Thanks for letting me know. Keep me informed.” Greg closed his phone and looked at Sam. “That was Sgt. Fletcher with Team 4. As soon as I called them to tell them that Jules was missing, they went to Kennington House to talk to Johnny.”

Sam’s eyes darkened. “Please tell me they have the asshole under a jail cell somewhere. Evidence or not, we both know he’s more than likely responsible.”

“He wasn’t there. Kennington House is a transition house but the residents there aren’t prisoners. They have to check in daily but they don’t have to chronicle their every coming and going with the case manager. According to what Fletcher found out, Johnny left the house around lunch time and they haven’t seen him since. Whether he goes back to the house or straight to work, the team will bring him in for questioning immediately.”

Sam shook his head in frustration. “And if he doesn’t show up at either place? If he decides to go into the wind to avoid arrest? Damn it. He’s running around out there free to do whatever the hell he wants while Jules is a prisoner in her own body. That’s just freaking great.”

“He won’t be for long. If he doesn’t show up for work or back at the house, we’ll have an APB out on him. Someone will find him and he will be brought in. That’s my promise to you.”

“I need a hand in here.” The nurse still inside Jules’s cubicle called out, her voice sounding a little strained. Sam took off running but before he could reach the curtain, something metal collided with the floor followed by what sounded suspiciously like a body hitting the ground.


	31. Chapter 31

There were many words that Jules would use to describe herself, some positive and some negative. Needy however was not one of those words she’d ever thought would end up on that list. She was too independent, too stubborn, maybe more than a little too proud to give even the appearance of needing anything or anyone. Having wants was one thing but needing was totally different. Yet as she lay there listening to the distracting banter between Sam and her brother and participating in her own limited way, she found herself needing the feel of Sam’s arms to be back around her. From the moment he’d walked into the cubicle and taken her in his arms, the pain, fear, and frustration had dimmed dramatically. When he returned her to the bed, even though he was close enough that she could feel the heat from his body through the sheet that covered her useless legs, she’d felt all three emotions threatening to drown her. 

Nobody would have faulted her if she’d shunned all human touch after what she’d been through. And the truth was she wasn’t sure how much contact she could take from anyone else but she felt bereft without Sam holding her. It was taking everything in her not to let the memory of the attack consume her, paralyze her mentally just as surely as the drug was holding her body captive. Though both Sam and Peter were doing their best to try to make her feel more at ease, the frustration of not being able to express her thoughts was growing with every attempt to coax some sort of sound past her vocal cords. Though he’d instantly apologized, she couldn’t help but feel like Peter had pegged the situation correct when he’d called her a freaking blinking vegetable. 

She should have known Sam wouldn’t give up. From the time she’d broken up with him to the time she’d finally given him the green light to resume their relationship, consequences be damned, he’d made no secret, at least to her, that he was still head over heels in love with her. He hadn’t given up on her then and he wasn’t going to give up now without figuring out what she was needing. When he finally pulled her into his protective embrace once more, she’d been so grateful she’d willing capitulated about closing her eyes and resting. 

She didn’t trust sleep, not sure that even Sam’s arms would be enough to protect her from the nightmares she knew would be waiting for her when she finally gave in to exhaustion. But at least with her eyes closed, she could pretend for just a moment that everything was okay. Pretend she wasn’t lying on a hospital gurney trapped in her own body still hurting from the viciousness of the attack. 

Sam’s fingers grazing up and down her arm helped to lull her into a sense of normalcy, of comfort. She wasn’t asleep but she was about as close as she could get. Then she sensed rather than heard the arrival of someone new. Instantly, panic undid all the relaxing benefit she’d gotten from Sam’s embrace. Despite knowing she was safe and despite trusting that Sam and Peter would take on the devil himself if he threatened her, her eyes flew open. Her body might not be obeying her commands but she was determined to be prepared for anything that might happen. Seeing that it was Greg who’d come in only partially eased the panic. 

Sam and Peter had been careful about not asking the questions she knew were coming eventually. She’d been grateful for that even though she knew it was only a matter of time before she had to face what happened. Greg’s arrival signaled the end of that reprieve. 

She knew he didn’t have any choice but to poise the questions he was having to ask and the truth was she’d much rather that he was the one doing the gentle digging instead of people she knew by face but maybe not by name. When Greg had asked to speak to Sam privately, she’d reluctantly agreed to let Sam step out even though every fiber in her body screamed in protest. In most instances she trusted her ability to handle any situation that came up without the help of anyone. But she’d gone that route twenty years ago and was only now realizing how limited her recovery had been. Sam had opened up feelings in her that she didn’t think even existed. Right now, she trusted Sam more than she trusted anyone else including herself. 

Therefore she had been grateful that Sam had sensed she’d needed him to stay even if it meant listening to some of the more painful aspects of the attack come up. The idea that there’d been no forced entry scared her. How had her attacker gotten inside? She’d locked the door as soon as she’d entered the house after Greg dropped her off and she hadn’t opened it again. How long had her attacker been in the house with her before he struck? 

“Sam, while bagging Jules’s clothes, an officer found an open foil condom wrapper discarded on the floor under the coffee table. Any chance it could have already been there and has nothing to do with the attack today?”

Jules’s eyes shut tightly and the oxygen mask around her mouth and nose collapsed inward before expanding out indicating she was breathing in hard sharp breaths before exhaling. She could feel her body begin to quiver, the first sign other than her eyes that her body was starting to regain control. But the knowledge that the drug’s hold on her was starting to slip couldn’t overshadow the memory Greg’s question had unleashed on her. Couldn’t stop her from remembering the fear that she’d had that the pain her attacker had caused her already was about to increase ten fold. The fear that nothing and nobody would prevent him from fully raping her. The feel of the latex nudging against her knowing it was only a matter of time before it ripped her unwilling body open more than she already felt torn. And then Sam had called, his voice on the answering machine saving her, mentally at first but then the knowledge that time was short saved her physically as well. 

He was saving her now as well. With every stumbled word, every inclination of his voice as he answered question after question, offered explanation after explanation, his arm wrapped protectively around her was keeping her grounded in the moment instead of letting her slip back into the memory of what had been. Would she ever be able to explain to him how he continued to save her over and over again. How much she owed him? Not just for the fact that his call had stopped the attack against her but for everything else. For supporting her the last couple of weeks without judging or pressuring her. For being confident enough in their love to not be tentative with her now and avoiding contact with her. 

“Sarge, are you suggesting….how could you….you think I drugged and raped Jules?”

NO! The word tore at her throat begging for her vocal cords to cooperate and allow the scream that was so loud in her ears to be heard by both Greg and Sam. What she experienced at Sam’s skilled and compassionate hands and body when they made love was such the antithesis of rape. The mouth and hands that had viciously pinched, licked, bit and ravaged her body this evening had been demanding and harsh. She’d never known Sam to be anything but giving and tender. It killed her to hear him voice out loud the idea that he feared anyone would suspect him. She suddenly felt like the safety line that was protecting her against falling into the pit of darkness that had opened below her feet snap as he pulled away from her. And as she dropped, her body rejected the notion that Sam could hurt her as readily as her mind had. Her body jerked convulsively as her stomach turned upside down. 

Though Greg’s voice was the one who shouted, it was again Sam’s hands that tried to draw her back. He leaned her forward as she began to vomit into the oxygen mask covering her mouth and nose. As her body reacted violently, she tried to concentrate on Sam’s touch, willing it to help her find a handhold that would stop her fall. She didn’t get much time as Sam was pulled away and the oxygen mask that was rapidly filling with vomit was jerked away. It was almost impossible for her to catch her breath between expulsions of vomit that was now covering the sides of her mouth, her lap, the bed around her and the floor. It seemed to take forever before the violent onslaught came to an end but she knew her body well enough to know that it was only a matter of time before it started again whether there was anything left to throw up or not. 

Strong, unfamiliar hands eased her back on the bed. Her chest was heaving and her head lightheaded. She wanted Sam but didn’t hear his voice among the cacophony of voices talking to her, offering her soothing words she didn’t even try to listen to. No, change that, she didn’t want Sam, she needed him. Needed to make sure there wasn’t a serious accusation against him in the works. Needed him to know she didn’t have to have seen her attacker to positively identify that Sam had NOT been him. Her stomach clenched again but she had no way of warning the doctors and nurses around her until her body jerked again with the upending of itself once more. 

She heard a muttered curse as she was once more pulled forward. This time there wasn’t much left in her stomach to vomit. The bed behind her was raised as far as it could go this time before she was allowed to rest against it. If she vomited again, at least she was sitting almost straight up and wouldn’t have to worry about drowning in it. 

“Jules? Can you hear me? Blink twice if you can hear me.”

She glanced over at the doctor who had treated her earlier. He’d been compassionate in his treatment of her, telling her everything he was going to do before he did it and why he had to do it. Once she was able to blink, he’d asked permission before he did anything. She would have preferred not to have him or the nurse who’d performed the sexual assault exam to have touched her at all, especially when it came to the gynecological part of the exam but had consented if for no other reason because the need for justice and the aches in her body were worse than her fear of being touched. That didn’t mean she had to like or be comfortable with anything they did to her. 

Now, he turned her head toward him and as she saw his concerned frown realized she hadn’t responded to his question. Her eyelids felt tired from the workout they’d been getting during the day. She wondered if it was possible to build eyelid muscles the way you could build up the muscles in your arms and legs with exercise. Blink. Blink. Yeah, sure she could hear him. So what? 

“Okay, good. You need to catch your breath. Just breath regularly. I’m going to listen to your chest and make sure your lungs sound clear.”

The stethoscope felt cool even through the hospital gown. She tried to do as he requested about breathing but when he moved the stethoscope under her left breast to listen to her lower lungs, her breath caught in her throat and her eyes shut firmly. She knew it wasn’t a rational fear but she waited for the pain that would come with having her breast squeezed and pinched once more even while the still sane part of her mind told her the doctor wasn’t going to hurt her. Her stomach heaved a third time but there was nothing left for her to vomit. The doctor immediately removed the stethoscope and apologized. 

“Brandy, let’s do 25 mg of Phenergan IV push. Jules, Brandy is going to put something in your IV that will hopefully help with the nausea. It might make you a little sleepy as well. Don’t try to fight it.”

Once the nurse administered the drug, Dr. Victors nodded encouragingly. Her skin, which had been extremely pale when he’d first been called back in, was now pinking up appropriately and her breathing slowly regulating out. “That’s better. I know a young man who’s probably out his mind with worry about you. I’m going to go let him know everything’s okay. Brandy will get you all cleaned up and then Sam will be back in here. Is that okay?”

Which part? Letting Brandy clean her up or letting Sam back in the room with her? Why did they insist on asking two completely different questions at one time? Didn’t they know she could only blink an answer to one question at a time? That they were forcing her to choose which question to answer and which one to ignore as being the less important.

She wanted to give him a resounding single blink to the first question. She’d rather spend the rest of her life covered in her own vomit than have a stranger -- even a female stranger -- performing such an intimate act of washing her body. But she wanted Sam back in the room with her, needed him to once more take her in his arms and reassure her that everything was okay. That the one person she trusted in the whole world wasn’t going to disappear. A no to the former question would be a no to the latter. A yes to the latter would be giving consent to the first. She’d have to choose if her fear of being touched outweighed the need of having Sam back in the room. There was no question as to the answer.

Blink. Blink.

“Okay, then. I probably won’t see you again. As soon as Brandy is done, we’ll be moving you upstairs to a room. I’m truly sorry for what you’ve had to endure and wish you the best in your recovery. I won’t diminish what you’ve been through by suggesting it’s going to be an easy road but I can’t imagine Sam is going to let you walk one step of it alone. Having treated too many assault victims I know that having that kind of support system can make all the difference.” Dr. Victors tapped the railing of the bed before leaving out of the cubicle. 

It wasn’t Jules’s first time to be forced down that road of trying to reclaim her life after being viciously attacked. The days, weeks, months, even years after those two nights when she was sixteen had been a living hell for Jules, made worse because she suffered in silence, too afraid to share her pain and humiliation with anyone. She’d believed that time had finally healed the wounds left by Johnny’s attack but all it had really done was mask the problem. There would be no hiding what happened this time; everyone she knew and loved would be privy to the horrors she’d suffered. She wasn’t sure if she believed it was going to make it easier or harder for her emotionally. 

Jules could hear water running behind her and wished she could turn her head to see what was going on. A moment later the nurse from earlier came into view pushing a small rolling tray table with her. There was a small pink plastic basin on the table and beside it several thin white towels and wash cloths. 

The nurse smiled at her. “I don’t know about you but I hate throwing up. I have a five month old at home and the worst thing about my pregnancy with him wasn’t the fourteen hour labor but the morning sickness that didn’t confine itself to the morning or to the first trimester.”

Brandy picked up a wash cloth and dipped it into the pink tub before wringing out the excess water. At first Jules followed the redheaded nurse’s every movement but as she approached the bed all Jules could concentrated on was the wash cloth in the woman’s hands. 

Though she knew it wasn’t possible, the smell of rum filled Jules’s nostrils and she retched again, having nothing left in her stomach to cause anything more than that. She was no longer in the hospital room but back in her house on the floor at the start of the attack as a rum soaked wash cloth was shoved into her mouth. Though less intrusive and repulsive than her assailant’s tongue forcing itself down her throat, the material and the taste of the alcohol choking her just the same. 

“It always seemed like no matter how many times I rinsed my mouth or how many mints I let dissolve in my mouth, the taste of vomit was still there.” Brandy’s perky voice barely registered. “Until we can be sure you can swallow correctly, we can’t let you eat or drink anything. But we do have some swabs that I can moisten with some mouth wash and swirl around your mouth if you’d like to try that. It won’t completely clean your mouth out but it should help a little until you can properly rinse. Want to try it?” 

A swab, like the one the forensic nurse had used during her exam to collect any DNA evidence that might have been left behind. Necessary Jules knew but just yet another unwanted intrusion on her body. She gave a slow blink as she felt her body begin to shake, a subtle sign that her body was once again coming back under her control. 

“Okay, it was just a suggestion.” Either the shaking was all in Jules’s head or it was too subtle to be noticed, or Brandy was too focused on the task at hand to pick up on her patient’s distress because she gave no indication that she was even aware of the shaking. Brandy’s touch was gentle as she wiped the wash cloth over Jules’s face, removing the traces of vomit that was starting to dry there. The material was warm without being hot and there was nothing even remotely threatening or intimidating with what Brandy was doing. Yet fear bubbled up from the bottom of Jules’s stomach much the way the vomit that was being cleaned from her face had earlier. 

Brandy put the wash cloth back in the basin of water. She bundled up the soiled sheet and tossed it into a hamper across the room. “I need to take that gown off as well. I’ve got another one to put on you after I get you cleaned up. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be as quick as I can. No one’s going to come in while you are exposed.” 

She eased the gown off Jules’s shoulders and balled it up to contain the soiled material and turned to dispose of it like she had the sheet. Goosebumps rose on Jules’s flesh as she lay there on the raised bed once more completely naked to the world. Tears of shame and helplessness filled her eyes but she willed them back, not wanting to appear weak. Brandy turned back around and reached into the basin and once again wringed out the excess water. 

“Sorry, it’s always cold in here. I’ll get you covered back up as quickly as I can.” 

Jules felt her breath catch in her throat as her mind once more transported her back to her house, this time the closet she’d been dragged to. Her mind relieved every tortuous second of the movements of the rum soaked wash cloth rough against her bruised and sensitive breasts and then her equally injured and sensitive private area. Though Brandy never got near either of those two regions, Jules’s shaking increased enough for the nurse to notice. 

“I’m almost through.” The nurse promised, giving Jules’s arm a sympathetic pat on the arm with her latex covered hand before turning back to once more immerse the wash cloth in the warm water.

With the exception of her assailant’s mouth, every unwanted human touch forced upon her had been made through the barrier of latex. His hands had been covered with latex gloves and the other appendage he’d been prepared to assault her with had been covered with a latex condom. Latex a synthetic material made to provide a barrier of protection against disease and contamination. 

Though she understood the reasoning behind it, she felt like her life had been reduced to being touched by impersonal latex covered hands. With the exception of Sam and Peter, she hadn’t felt human touch without the barrier of latex between their hands and her own skin. The feel of latex against her repulsed her and she’d wanted, especially during the sexual assault exam, to shrink away from the touch. Her body ached with the need to pull away from the feel of the latex on her skin but the doctor and the nurses had been oblivious to her distress due to her body’s inability to move.

Brandy gently lifted Jules’s left leg off the bed, turning it ever so slightly in order to clean the area. As soon as the latex touched her skin, Jules flashed back to latex covered hands painfully gripping her legs splaying them wide apart giving her assailant better access to her most intimate regions. Just as when the forensic nurse had placed her legs in the stirrups for the gynecological part of the sexual assault exam, Jules’s brain commanded her legs to move, to fight back against the intrusion. This time, her body obeyed her brain.

Before Brandy knew what was happening, Jules kicked out with her leg, her knee connecting solidly with the nurse’s stomach. Brandy reacted immediately. 

“I need a hand in here.” She called out.

Jules threw her body to the right, away from the danger of the latex covered hand. Her body was clumsy but at least it was moving. Her attempts to get away sent the IV pole crashing to the ground with a clatter. Fortunately, the IV line was long enough that it didn‘t dislodge the catheter in her arm. The flight part of her fight or flight reflex kicked in and she only knew she had to get away. The bed railing had been lowered as Dr. Victors treated her vomiting and hadn’t been raised again. There was nothing that stopped her movement to the right until her body was no longer supported by the bed and she fell to the floor with a thump. 

She winced as she landed heavily on the arm she’d cut during the call earlier in the day. Instinct told her to keep moving but she wasn’t sure if her body would continue to cooperate with her. The curtain scraped open and Jules remembered that she was completely exposed for the world to see. She curled in on herself trying to cover herself as much as possible, hidden by the bed.

Sam ripped the curtain back, not caring if he ripped the damn thing completely off its rings. His eyes swept the room alarmed to see the bed Jules had been lying on was empty, the only thing left was the vomit soaked bottom spread. The nurse who’d been taking care of her was clutching her stomach painfully. He frowned.

“What the hell happened? Jules? Where is she?” 

Nobody had gone in the cubicle; he would have seen them if they tried. There was no reason why Jules shouldn’t be in that bed. He stepped inside and further scanned the room, his heart skipping a beat when he saw her curled in a ball next to the bed. 

“She panicked and attacked me. I wasn’t expecting it; I thought she was still paralyzed from the drug.” Brandy explained.

Sam barely listened to the nurse, his sole thought was getting to Jules. He rushed to her side, skidding to a stop as he reached her side. He dropped down beside her, wanting to gather her gently in his arms and protect her from whatever real or imagined demons were currently threatening her. He hesitated though, not wanting to frighten her any more than she’d already been frightened. “Jules? Sweetheart?”

Though his voice was full of panic, Jules had never heard a more welcoming and reassuring sound. She uncurled slightly enough to look at him. Her body was cooperating, could she make her voice do the same? Tell him that she needed him to touch her, to hold her? Tell him that she needed his strong, warm, blessedly bare hands to soothe away her fears. The words formed and she tried to push them past her vocal cords but all that came out was a whimper. 

Still it was enough to get Sam’s attention. If she showed any signs of discomfort, he’d stop but he couldn’t stand to see her so upset and not offer her comfort. Sliding one hand under her knees and the other around her back, he rolled her gently into his arms trying to shield her bare body from anybody who might be in the room. She didn’t tense or fight him. Instead she seemed to almost welcome the embrace. He lowered his head, burying his face in her hair. 

From the moment he’d met her, he’d been mesmerized by her, even when she’d drawn down on him thinking he was some sort of threat. She fascinated him in a way no other woman before ever had. The more he’d gotten to know her the more he’d wanted her, wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her, to hold her in his arms, to make slow passionate love to her. It had taken him awhile but he’d finally got to experience all of those things, only to then almost lose her to a bullet. When she’d broken things off with him before returning to the SRU after being shot, he’d thought his world was going to end. Seeing her every day at work but knowing she only wanted them to be friends and co-workers and nothing else had been a slow form of torture, unlike any he’d ever experienced. Now that they were back together he’d realized that all his earlier feelings for her had been nothing compared to how he currently felt. 

She might believe everything he’d been doing for her the last couple of weeks had been all for her. She was partly right; he hated to see her in pain and wanted to do whatever it took to make things better for her. But the truth was it was as much for his own sake as it was hers. If she was upset or suffering in any way, then he suffered right along with her. He couldn’t be okay unless she was as well. 

He lifted his head from her hair and kissed her gently. “Jules, Sweetheart, let’s get you back in bed so the doctor can make sure you didn’t hurt yourself.”

She blinked several times, trying to keep the tears from falling. She knew what would happen if he did that. Sam would be kicked out of the room again and she’d once more be at the mercy of the latex wearing medical personnel. She once more tried to summon up the words to tell him what she needed. She concentrated much the way she would if she were standing in front of a target with her gun in her hand. Her vocal cords swallowed the don’t she wanted to utter but the second word squeaked out.

“Go.”

Tears filled Sam’s eyes. Her body wasn’t protesting his touch but if she wanted him to leave, then he would. “Yeah, sure, Babe, I’ll go if that’s what you need.”

He tried to keep the hurt from his voice. After everything she’d gone through, he didn’t need to add to her suffering by making her feel even the slightest bit guilty. He lifted her in his arms, planning on transferring her to the bed and then stepping back out. He wouldn’t leave the hospital; couldn’t leave her completely alone but he’d remain outside her door all night if he had to. The gurney had been lowered most of the way and the soiled bottom sheet had been replaced. He eased her onto the cot and moved his hands away. Almost immediately Brandy draped a clean sheet over her bare body. 

Realizing he’d mistaken her attempts to make sure he didn’t leave, Jules released a heart breaking sob inwardly cursing her inability to make herself be understood. Sam looked back down at her, scared to see how upset she appeared. “Jules, I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to tell me what you want and I’m sorry if I’m bungling it all up. Do you want me to leave?”

Blink. “No.” The word was a bare whisper but the most welcome word Sam had heard.

“Then I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay sweetheart.” 

After righting the IV pole and making sure the bag of fluids hadn’t been damaged, Dr. Victors touched his arm. “Sam, we still need to get her cleaned up and changed.”

“No.” If two letter words were the best she was going to be able to get her vocal cords to project, then she’d used them for all she was worth. She couldn’t stand the idea of strangers, even strangers she knew meant her no harm, seeing her bruised and naked body or touching her with those cold, clinical, latex hands. 

Sam sat down on the gurney beside her and pushed her hair away from her face. He didn’t know what about the idea of letting the nurse change her scared her but it was clear she was frightened. Not breaking off his eye contact, he addressed the others in the room. “Can you all just please step out for a few minutes. Give her a moment to catch her breath and calm down? Please. Hasn’t she suffered enough today that we should honor what she wants?”

Dr. Victors motioned for the nurses to leave the cubicle. “We’ll be out in the hall if you need us.”

As soon as she was alone in the cubicle with Sam, she began to relax. The shaking subsided and the fear that had been so stark when he had first knelt beside her wasn’t quite so pronounced. He smiled at her.

“Better?”

She nodded, the movement barely there but still as sign that things were improving. He reached out rubbing his thumb along her jaw line. “So the drug is wearing off. That’s a good thing. I know you though, don’t get frustrated if it still takes a little while before you’re ready to go running the obstacle course on your best time. From what I’ve been told about this drug, it takes a while to completely come out of the effects of it. I can’t pretend to know what you need and I know it’s not always going to be easy for you to talk about this even after you get full use of your voice back. Just promise me you’ll stop me if I do anything, anything at all, that makes you uncomfortable.”

“W’rus?” Sound was coming past her vocal cords but selectively, her tongue felt cottony and incapable of coherently forming all her words properly. But Sam knew what she was saying and nodded.

“Yeah, walrus me.” Sam thought about where the conversation had gone just before she’d thrown up earlier. Greg had eased the worst of his fears that he was going to be the main suspect but it meant nothing unless Jules was convinced he wouldn’t hurt her. “I want to be here, I hope you know that. I think I’ve changed my mind about what I told you this morning, I do want to glue myself to your side. Maybe if I had, you wouldn’t be lying here right now. But what I want can go to hell if it’s different from what you need. If you have any doubts…”

She lifted her arm, it feeling like the single appendage weighed twenty pounds. She reached toward Sam’s face and realizing what she was trying to do, he took her hand in his own and leaned his face against it. Just the edges of her lips turned upward in the hint of a smile and her eyes were bright. “Trust you. Only you.”

Sam let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Want me to help you get cleaned up and changed?”

She shuddered slightly at the thought of a wash cloth touching her skin. Still, there was only so much she could do with a bath loofa. She couldn’t shun washcloths for the rest of her life. Wouldn’t it be better to face her fears before they got too big? If it bothered her too much, Sam would stop as soon as she asked. “’kay”

Sam got up and checked the water in the basin. It had gotten tepid so he carried it over to the sink and poured it out before refilling it with fresh hot water. He carried it back over to the tray and rolled it right up to the bed. He reached for the wash cloth that Brandy had been using and glanced back at Jules. The fear was back although she was making a valiant effort not to show it. He glanced back at the washcloth wondering what it was about the rough cloth that bothered her. He set it down and reached in his pocket for his handkerchief. It was still as neatly folded as it had been that morning when he put it in his pocket. He soaked it in the warm water and then wrung it out. Sitting back down beside Jules on the bed, he touched the much softer material to her arm. 

“Temperature okay?”

She nodded and a tear slipped down her cheek, touched but not surprised at how he intuitively seemed to know what she needed. He brushed the tear away with one hand and slipped the hand holding the wet handkerchief under the sheet. Even though they were alone in the cubicle, there was no reason to subject her to lying there fully exposed if it wasn’t necessary. His eyes never left her as he gently ran the square of thin, soft material up and down her leg. He was very careful to make sure his hand stayed on the top of her leg, not wanting to give her any reason to have a flashback to what happened to her. Before switching to the other leg, he returned the handkerchief to the hot water. Again, his hand went under the sheet again. Once he finished, he set the handkerchief on the table and picked up a fresh gown. He offered it to her.

“Want to try to do it yourself? I’ll help you.”

She nodded, her top teeth worrying her bottom lip. “Thanks.”

He smiled and nodded.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
The tenth month old baby girl lay sleeping on her back in her crib. Innocence personified as her baby fine hair stuck up all over and her mouth made sucking motions despite the fact that her outstretched thumb had long since quit its job of pacifier. The light blanket Sophie had covered her with when she first put her to bed had been kicked off. 

Ed Lane stood above the crib watching his daughter as she slept. Warm arms wrapped around his waist and he turned to face his wife. He pulled her to him and kissed her. 

“You going to stand there and watch her all night?” Sophie asked quietly, her voice both concerned and curious. 

Ed shrugged. “I look at her and I look at you and I can’t help but wonder what I would do if someone ever hurt either of you the way Jules was hurt this evening. It makes me sick to think of someone sexually assaulting my girls.”

Sophie led Ed from the nursery across the hall to their bedroom. Not releasing her hold on him she pushed him down to a seated position on the bed. Sitting behind him, she started to massage his tight shoulder muscles. “Ed, you don’t know for sure Jules was raped. All Greg said when he called was that she’d been attacked in her home and was being taken to the hospital. Don’t assume the worst.”

Ed shook his head. “I’m not assuming anything. Greg said we all needed to stay away from the hospital tonight. That Jules didn’t need us hovering over her tonight. If she was simply hurt, even just minor injuries, he wouldn’t have told us not to come. We’d all be there for her because that’s what we do. There’s only one reason he’d be this secretive and protective. If Sam was right before, this isn’t the first time it’s happened to her. No woman should ever have to endure that kind of abuse even once in her life let alone twice.”

“It’s killing you not to rush down there and check on her, isn’t it? Even though Greg said not to.”

Ed shrugged. “Greg’s right. I’ve worked assault calls before. Some sadistic pervert hurts a woman in the worst way possible and then her life is on display for everyone to see and make judgments about. I don’t want to add to her trauma. I just feel so helpless.”

“I could go. Jules might appreciate having a familiar female face in a sea of all you men she works with. I know you’ll feel better if you know for sure she’s okay.”

Ed smiled and leaned back to kiss her tenderly. “I love you, you know that don’t you?”

She smiled back at him and cupped his cheek lovingly. “I know. I love you too. I love that you are protective of not only me and Izzie but of Jules as well. She’s one of your girls just as much as me and Izzie. You are a good man, Ed Lane. Now, I’m going to go let Clark know he needs to keep an ear out in case Izzie wakes up.”

Ed looked surprised. “You think I should go with you?”

Sophie shook her head. “No, Greg’s probably right about Jules not needing so many guys hovering about. I’m sure he’s there and I know there’s no way Sam’s not there. But I also know you aren’t going to stop feeling helpless unless you are doing something. Go into headquarters and check in on the investigation. I know your team isn’t going to be able to have anything to do with the case but I also know there’s no way Team One will be kept out of the loop.”

He kissed her again. So many times in the past, Sophie had been resentful of the time he spent at work. He was grateful she understood that he had to do this. “I won’t do anything stupid. Eyes only; I won’t do anything to jeopardize a conviction.”

“I know. I’ll call you once I’ve seen Jules.”

Ed didn’t waste any time getting to his vehicle and driving to the headquarters. As he drove, he gave Fletcher a call, asking what was going on. The team leader for Team 4 was reluctant to give him information but knew he couldn’t blame any member of Team 1 for wanting to make sure the man responsible for hurting one of their own paid for that crime. His own team would be the same way if the roles were reversed. 

“The man Parker suspects is responsible just checked in at work. We’re taking him in for questioning now. If you want, you can watch from the observation room. But Lane, that’s watch only. You try to make any contact at all and I’ll write your ass up. This isn’t going to turn into a vigilante moment.”

“Never crossed my mind. By the books the whole way. I’ll be there in ten.”

He ended the call and concentrated on his driving. Once at the station, he went straight to the interrogations rooms on the third floor. He found Fletcher outside room 6. Fletcher once more reminded Ed that he was only to watch and led him into the observation room before going in to question Johnny Dawson. 

Ed studied the man suspected of hurting Jules. He had the look of someone sick enough to inflict pain on someone else. Dawson didn’t seem intimidated at all, despite the fact that he was currently sitting in an interrogation room, facing down two angry officers. Jules might not be their teammate but she was still family. 

“Is there a reason why I’m here?” Dawson asked casually seemingly unbothered by his current location. “Did I use too much bleach last night when I cleaned the toilets?”

“One of our constables was attacked in her home tonight.”

Johnny shrugged. “I’m sorry to hear that. Still doesn’t explain why I’m here?”

“The constable was your niece Julianna Callaghan.”

Johnny looked shocked. “Is she okay? I may be on the outs with the family but she is my niece. I care about what happens to her. Do you have any idea who might be responsible?”

Fletcher frowned. “Funny thing is, your name is the first one that came up as a suspect.”

“Why? Because I’m a convicted felon? I’ve paid for my crime and I’ve done nothing wrong since I’ve been released.”

With a shrug, Fletcher leaned toward him. “From what I’ve been told, you were convicted of killing Julianna’s mother and trying to kill her. There may have even been a rape involved then. I’ve also been told you’ve been harassing her since you were released.”

“No charges of rape were ever mentioned at my conviction. There was no rape. I’m not guilty of anything now either. If anything I’m the one who’s been harassed by both Jules and her co-workers. And now I guess by you. ”

From his spot in the interrogation room, Ed felt his blood running cold. There was nothing at all about the man’s words or the way he carried himself that suggested that he felt guilty of anything. At the same time, he had no doubts that this man was capable of doing the vilest acts. 

Fletcher continued. “No harrassment, only a legitimate investigation. We’d like to take a DNA sample to compare against samples that were collected both at Constable Callaghan’s house and from her sexual assault exam.”

Johnny leaned back in his seat, his hands folded behind his head. “Sure, I’ll be glad to help Metro Police in any way I can. Show me your court order and you can have all the samples you want.”

This guy was as cool as a cucumber, Ed realized. Cocky as hell with a gleam in his eyes that said he was enjoying this immensely. Johnny laughed. “You don’t have a court order, though do you? Because you don’t have any reason to suspect that I’m guilty of anything. No evidence at all except for the fact that my niece has been telling falsehoods about me. I guess I can’t blame her, losing her mother the way she did wasn’t easy for her. Still, if you had anything substantial you would have had a court order in hand before you ever brought me in for questioning.”

“We can get a court order.” 

Johnny laughed. “I doubt it but go ahead and try. Just remember to tell the judge that your main suspect, the person you want the court order for, has an airtight alibi for his whereabouts from 3 this afternoon until 7 tonight.”

Fletcher frowned. “Alibi? Yeah, right. Let’s hear this alibi then.”

“One of the terms of my release from prison is that I attend these monthly anger management seminars. Tonight was my first one. My attendance is all a matter of record sent to the courts. So you see, there’s no way I could have done what you are accusing me of. I can’t be in two places at one time, can I?”


	32. Chapter 32

“You’re letting him go? Just like that? He’s walking out of here a free man?” 

Ed shook his head; he’d witnessed the interview between Fletcher and Dawson but he still couldn’t believe it. It had taken all he had in him not to leave the observation room and burst into the interrogation room to take over the questioning. The shear cockiness of the bastard rubbed him the wrong way. Still, he’d refrained, knowing he wouldn’t do the investigation or Jules any good by flying off the handle. That restraint just about reached the end when he heard Fletcher tell Dawson he was free to leave. 

Sgt. Fletcher sighed and shook his head. “What would you have me do, Ed? We have no reason to hold him. Not yet at least. He’s not going to go anywhere. He’s still on probation so he can’t leave town; if he does he’ll be arrested and thrown back in jail. You heard him, he has an alibi for the time Jules was attacked.”

“We don’t even know if that alibi checks out. Look, Fletcher, all I’m asking is that you hold him a little longer, at least until forensics gets a chance to compare his DNA to the samples they took from Jules. I know he wouldn‘t consent to give a sample but he‘s a convicted felon, his DNA will be in the system.”

The team leader for Team 4 fixed Ed in a hard stare. “Ed, I let you observe the interrogation out of respect for your whole team. But that courtesy only extends so far. You’ve got to back down and let us do our jobs. He came in voluntarily for questioning; without anything substantial to hold him on, we’ve got to let him go if he chooses to leave. You heard him. He’s so choosing.”

Ed had heard Dawson. Heard him deny claims that he’d raped Jules twenty years ago. Heard him deny that he’d been harassing her since he got out of jail. Heard insinuate he was the one being harassed. Heard him claim to have an airtight alibi for the time Jules was hurt. He’d heard it all and believed absolutely none of it. “Look, Fletcher, I don’t claim to know the whole story. But I do know that something has been bothering Jules the last couple of weeks. And when I say bothering I mean bothering with a capital B. Now, we both know that Julianna Callaghan is as unflappable as they come. Things don’t bother her unless it’s really big. Two weeks, the same amount of time he’s been released from prison. Hell of a coincidence don’t you think?”

“I’m not arguing with you, Ed. The little bit of time I just spent in the room with him has my skin crawling. Do I think he’s capable of sexual assault? No doubt in my mind. But what I think and what I can prove are two different things. Until the evidence catches up with our theories, we can’t charge him with anything. He might walk out of that room a free man tonight but we aren’t going to stop investigating him. If he’s guilty, he won’t stay a free man for long.” 

Ed nodded; he didn’t like it but he understood. “Okay, Okay, I get it. But what’s this ’if he’s guilty’ crap; you just said you thought he did it.”

“Ed, we’ve got to cover all our bases. Johnny Dawson is our main suspect given his history with Jules; that’s not going to change. But what if we put all our focus on this guy and it turns out he didn’t do it? It would be a hell of coincidence as you say but sometimes coincidences do happen. We’re working hand in hand with the Sex Crimes Unit to make sure we cover every angle. SRU will focus on Dawson and SCU will look for connections to recent sexual assaults in the area, especially home invasions where drugs were used.”

Closing his eyes, Ed shook his head, realizing just how little he actually knew about what had happened to Jules. “She was drugged? GHB? Rohypnol? What?” 

Drugs made sense to Ed, satisfied what had been nagging in the back of his mind since Greg had called. Everyone on the team was skilled at hand to hand combat. They had to be because they never knew what the situation might call for while in the field. Just like with all their training, sometimes they practiced form over force. Walking through different scenarios without fully following through. Other times they went full out, not pulling punches. He’d seen Jules fight and knew she was good. Would put his money on her in any match up, no matter how big her opponent was. The idea that a guy had gotten the upper hand on her in order to hurt her in the first place just didn’t seem right. But if she’d been incapacitated by a drug known for its sedation properties, then she wouldn’t have been able to fight back. He also knew both of those drugs had a tendency of inducing short term memory loss in the victim. Was it right or wrong to hope that Jules wouldn’t remember what had happened to her?

“Neither. New drug out. Similar in nature to Ketamine but without the hallucinogenic properties. Nasty stuff. Victim is completely incapacitated but the mind is full aware of every thing that is happening. They haven’t even been able to get a statement from Jules because of the effects of the drugs. It’ll be sometime tomorrow before we know the full story. The results of the SAE only tell us so much.”

Ed nodded again, sickened by what his friend and co-worker must be going through right then. Only a truly sadistic bastard could treat another person with such callousness and disregard for human compassion. He was torn between wanting to ask to read the report and respecting Jules’s privacy. Would it make a difference if he did know the gory details? Knowing or not knowing wouldn’t change the fact that Jules would need their support, their friendship, their compassion more than ever. “Okay, so what happens now? Greg hasn’t told me everything that’s going on because Jules has wanted it kept quiet but I do know he’s been harassing her.”

A knock from inside the interrogation room interrupted their conversation. Fletcher cracked the door to see Dawson standing just inside the threshold. “What?”

“If you’re through unlawfully detaining me I’d like to leave. See if I still have a job or if my niece has cost me that as well.”

Fletcher narrowed his eyes. “You can go, for now. Let me offer you some friendly advice, stay away from Julianna Callaghan until we complete our investigation.”

Johnny smiled. “Not a problem. Like I said, I’m on the outs with the family. They proved that when I tried to check on my brother-in-law after his heart attack. Haven’t seen them since.”

Ed tilted his head. “Then what do you call paying her a visit in the hospital parking lot last night?”

The confusion on the suspect’s face seemed genuine as he shook his head. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. I wasn’t there.” He laughed dryly. “She’s just really determined to get me in trouble, isn’t she? She was such a sweet innocent little girl before I went to jail; I never would have thought she’d grow up to be such a vengeful little liar. I guess giving up twenty years of my life wasn’t enough for her; she’s determined to completely ruin my life. Hopefully she’ll realize she’s not going to be successful no matter how hard she tries.”

Johnny gave the two men a mock wave as he set off down the hall whistling. Ed glared at his retreating body. Once he’d disappeared around the corner, the Team One leader looked over at his Team Four counterpart. “Someone’s lying but I don’t think it’s Jules.”

_“Team Four, gear up…”_

Fletcher slapped Ed’s arm sympathetically. “Duty calls. Go home, Ed, we’ll make sure Jules gets justice.”

Standing in the hallway alone, Ed reached for his phone. Scrolling through his frequent contacts, he selected the one he wanted and waited as it rang. “Spike, it’s Ed. Where are you?” He shook his head, only slightly surprised when Spike sheepishly admitted that he was sitting in the hospital parking lot working up the courage to actively disobey Greg’s order to stay away. “Yeah, I understand, Soph went to check on her so I wasn‘t going against the Boss‘s wishes. But listen, I need you to come down to headquarters. I need your help in catching a spider in his own web of lies.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

In the end, Sam had to do most of the work when it came to helping Jules into the hospital gown. Try as she might, she just couldn’t get her fingers to cooperate to grasp the edges of the gown. Not wanting her to get frustrated, he’d eased the fabric over her outstretched arms, making sure the sheet stayed in place over her body until she was completely covered in the front by the gown. Helping her to lean forward so that her head rested against his chest while he reached behind her and tied the straps together at the neck of the gown and then the ties halfway down. He eased her back against the bed and tugged the sheet out from under the gown. 

“Would you feel more comfortable if I found another gown to use as sort of a robe? You know so your back is fully covered as well.”

She nodded. Sam had seen his fair share of emergency departments over the years so he was able to quickly find a second gown from the drawer where they were kept. He helped her into it before settling her back against the bed. He looked toward the curtain. 

“I guess I should let them know you’re dressed. I think they’re ready to move you upstairs.”

“No.”

Sam sighed, eyeing her carefully. “Okay, we can wait a few more minutes.”

It was clear from her expression that it wasn’t exactly the answer she was hoping for. Sam reached out rubbing his thumb across her cheekbone, glad that at least her beautiful face had been spared from being marred by the attack. “Jules, I would give anything to be able to gather you up and take you out of here. Take you anywhere in the world you’d feel safe and secure, and if that place doesn‘t exist, then I’d be willing to just hide you away from the rest of the world and hold you for as long as you needed me to. That’s what you want isn’t it?”

She nodded, her eyes turning hopeful. Sam hated to erase it even just a little. “Fine, tomorrow when you are released, I’ll do just that. But for now, this is where you need to be, at least until the drug wears off the rest of the way. If something happened to you because I let you check out of the hospital, I would never forgive myself. So please, just for tonight, don’t fight me on this. Okay? You know I would normally do anything for you but I can’t ignore what the doctor thinks is best. I promise I’ll stay with you the whole time. If that’s what you want.”

“Want” Jules agreed immediately, not wanting him to think about not staying for even a second. Sam smiled at her. He knew there was more. Could read the dark emotions swirling just behind her eyes, eyes that while looking in his direction were cast more to the side and down from actually meeting his eyes. 

He sighed, not really frustrated but getting close. “What? Please Jules, let me in. Let me know what you need. I’m here for you but I don’t want to risk hurting you by flying blind.”

Her lower lip trembled ever so slightly and she tried to hide it by biting down on it. Finally she put voice to what she was thinking, though she hated to admit it to herself or to Sam. “Scared.”

Sam drew her gently into his arms. His fingers of one hand gently wrapped themselves in the strands of her hair holding her head against his chest, just above his heart. His other hand rubbed gentle circles in her back. He rested his head on the top of hers praying he said the words she needed to hear and that it brought her just a little comfort. He knew what that admission cost her and he once more decided there was no punishment harsh enough for the person who had hurt her. “Ah Babe, I know. I know. Who can blame you? After everything you’ve been through, all the pain and fear. I’d be more worried if you weren’t feeling a little scared right now. Hell, I don’t know any of the details of what that bastard did to you and I’m scared for you, for us. But you’re going to get through this and you’re going to be okay.”

Jules was confused. The forensic nurse had performed the sexual assault exam. She had documented every bruise, bite mark, tear, and abrasion. The evidence describing what had and what hadn‘t taken place telling the story even though her voice couldn’t. Dr. Victors had explained the extent of her injuries, how she would heal, the follow-up she’d need with her regular doctor. All of it written down in a report for the world to know her shame, nothing kept secret this time around. Yet Sam claimed not to know any of it. He wouldn’t lie, not to her, so for some reason he hadn’t been told the gruesome, embarrassing truth. “How…” Damn her vocal cords for selectively deciding what sounds it would produce and which ones it wouldn’t. 

Sam eased her back just a little to cup her head in his hands, his thumbs brushing against her temples. Once again taking her question at face value without knowing it’s real meaning. “How? By being the badass I fell in love with. The might get knocked down but not defeated Jules who doesn’t blink an eye no matter what’s asked of her at work or in life. You are going to fight your way back from this just like you fought your way back after you were shot. It’s who you are. Yeah, you might need to crawl into a corner somewhere to lick your wounds for a little while. No one’s going to think you’re weak for that. If you need someone to lean on until you feel strong enough to stand on your own two feet again -- both physically and emotionally -- then I’m here for you. Your family will be here for you. The team will be here for you. This time you’re not alone.”

Jules sniffled, and didn’t bother to explain what she was really trying to ask. It didn’t really matter at the moment. He might not have answered the question she was trying to ask but his answer was the one she needed to hear for the question her heart was too scared to ask. She didn’t feel as sure of her own coping skills at the moment so it was reassuring to hear that Sam had his own confidence in her.

“Jules, Sam? Everything okay in there?” Greg’s voice filtered through the curtain, obviously concerned. 

“Everything’s fine Sarge.” Sam assured him but didn’t invite him in. He looked at Jules. “You ready to let them in? If not, it’s okay. We’ll do this on your timetable, not anyone else’s.”

She nodded just slightly to let him know she was okay. If she didn’t have the confidence to trust in herself at the moment then perhaps she could hold on the trust Sam had in her until she could believe it for herself. After all, he was right, she was the badass, never let anything get her down type person. She couldn’t control what the drug she was given was doing to her body but she’d be damned if she was going to let fear have control over the rest of her. She trusted Greg and Peter who was probably back from making his calls by now. She might not be comfortable with having them in the same kind of close proximity that she wanted with Sam right now but she trusted that they wouldn’t hurt her. 

Sam watched her for a moment trying to gauge how she was really feeling about the situation. The window into her soul her eyes afforded him and him alone was open enough that he saw the truth. No, she wasn’t really okay with letting them in but she wanted to be and that was enough for him. He settled her back against the bed, one hand lightly cupping her cheek. “It’s okay to come in.”

The curtain slid back and Greg and Peter both stepped inside. Peter crossed the room quickly, stopping only at the side of the bed where he took Jules’s hand in his own. “Kind of scared me Squirt when I came back and they said I couldn’t come back in. You okay?”

She nodded again, taking comfort in the way the movement caused Sam’s hand to brush against her cheek in the process. “’Kay.”

Peter released a relieved breath, glad to see the improvement in the time he’d stepped out of the room to make his calls. “Yeah, I guess you are. I’ll spare you the details from my conversations with our brothers. Just know they all love you and send their support until they can be here in person to give it. Which, before that flicker of dread I see in your eyes gets any bigger, won’t be tonight. It took some convincing but I got James to hold off rushing over.”

Jules nodded again, the movement becoming easier with each successive attempt. She glanced over at Greg who had once again stopped at the foot of the bed. He’d been a cop long enough and had worked enough assault cases to be sensitive to the personal space of the victim. She appreciated that in a way she couldn’t talk about for fear of opening herself up to acknowledging that yes she was a victim. She knew him well enough, had worked with him enough calls, to know if not the thoughts themselves then at least the direction of his thoughts from his expression and his posture. Currently, everything about Greg screamed that he was holding back something that he didn’t want to say or do. 

“Boss? Wrong?”

Greg shook his head, almost chuckling. Leave it to Jules to be able to profile him while lying injured and drugged on a hospital gurney after being viciously attacked. “We’re the ones supposed to be worrying about you, not the other way around. But I guess I should have realized I couldn’t hide anything from you.”

Sam didn’t move from his spot on the bed or move his hand from Jules’s face. He did however turn his head to look at Greg. His jaw rocked. “Has something happened? Did that bastard manage to get away?”

Greg shook his head. “No, no, it’s not that. It’s just… Jules, what do you need? What can I do to help?” It was obvious he was deflecting the question, which could only mean the answer was bad. 

“Tell me…wrong.” Jules might not be able to coax every sound past her awakening vocal cords but there was no mistaking the intensity behind her words. 

“There are a couple of SCU officers out in the hallway.”

Jules’s face went slack. She’d known it was only a matter of time before they showed up. The doctor’s report of the exam aside, they had to have her statement before they could really do much in the way of finding her assailant. Greg had told her earlier that he’d convinced them to hold off until morning but it wasn’t surprising they’d see for themselves if she were capable of answering their questions. 

“Sam stay?” She’d endure their questions if she had to. She didn’t want Johnny to once again get away with assaulting her a second time. She was stronger than she had been at sixteen, wasn’t going to let fear and intimidation silence her. But as much as she wanted to be strong, she knew she couldn’t do it without Sam’s reassuring presence. 

Greg had noticed earlier before he began his questions that it had seemed like Jules was close to her breaking point. Regaining some control of her body had helped and he was encouraged to see a little of that determined spunk returning to her eyes that said she was determined to be okay. But he didn’t delude himself. The vomiting, her reaction to the nurse trying to change her, the fear still so evident in her eyes telling that she was far from okay in the moment. It was as if she was hanging off the side of the building and Sam’s presence was the only thing she was holding on to keeping her from falling. Greg couldn’t help but feel like he was holding the knife that was about to snap her safety line.

“Actual, Kiddo, they’re here to see Sam. For those elimination samples I mentioned earlier.” Hoping to prevent a similar incident as earlier, he hurried on with his assurances. “Sam’s not in trouble and he’s not a suspect. It’s all a matter of protocol. Nothing to worry about; he’ll be back in five minutes tops.”

“Can’t it wait?” Sam asked, turning his back on Greg completely. He wasn’t worried about giving the samples they wanted but he was worried about leaving Jules. He’d just promised her that he would stay by her side for as long as she needed him to and didn’t want to go back on that word. 

Jules closed her eyes and tried to remove herself from the situation. From the moment she’d fallen between the couch and the coffee table, she’d been thinking like the victim her assailant had made her, the victim she didn‘t want to be. She needed to think like a cop. Greg was assuring them that Sam wasn’t a suspect but she knew how quickly that could change if it appeared he wasn’t being cooperative. “Sam, go. It’s ‘kay.”

“Jules, look at me.” Sam demanded gently. Jules tried to force any hint of fear from her eyes knowing Sam wouldn’t leave her side if she showed signs of distress. Once she was reasonably sure her emotions wouldn’t betray her, she opened her eyes. “Are you sure? Protocol or not I don’t give a rat’s ass about what they want. If you feel more secure having me here, then that’s where I’m going to be. If SCU can’t understand that and cut us some slack then they can go screw themselves and take samples of that.”

“Sam,” Greg stated gently. “They’re ready to move Jules upstairs now anyway. You know when they get her on the floor, the nurse on duty there will run us all out while they get her settled in her room. Now’s a good time to take care of this and then I promise you, Buddy, no one’s going to run you out again tonight.”

Jules blinked a couple of times, trying to keep tears from forming once more. “Please. No trouble.”

Sam still didn’t look too sure. He glanced from Peter to Greg. “You’ll stay with her? Won’t let the nurses do anything to make her uncomfortable?”

Both men promised even though it was obvious Sam’s presence did more to calm her than anything. Sam leaned in and brushed his lips almost chastely over her lips. He was proud of her for putting aside her fears but he was selfish enough to wish she’d insisted that he stayed. He could argue all day long that he wanted to stay close to her side for her own peace of mind but the truth was that it was just as much for his. He was just as scared as she’d admitted to being. Scared that if he let her out of his sight for too long something else might happen; that he might lose her for good. 

“I’ll be right back. I love you Jules.”

As he headed out of the cubicle he almost ran straight into Sophie Lane. The wife of their team leader gave him a warm hug. “Ed was going crazy worrying about Jules but didn’t want to crowd her. I figured if I came down, it would make him feel better and that Jules might appreciate having a female who wasn’t a stranger around for a little bit.”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. She’ll be glad to see you. I’m glad to see you. I’ve got to talk to the officers from the Sex Crime Unit for a few minutes and they’re getting ready to move Jules to a room. I know her brother and Sarge will take care of her but you might can get away with staying with her when the nurse upstairs gets her settled. I don’t know what it is that’s bothering her about them, but I think the medical personnel are freaking her out a lot more than she wants us to know. Can you make sure she’s okay?”

Sophie promised and gave his arm a squeeze before continuing on in. Sam stared back into Jules’s cubicle wanting to rush back in but knowing that he needed to do this. He turned to face the two people standing at the nurses’ station, recognizing them as the officers by the badges on their waists. 

The male officer stepped forward. “Constable Braddock, let’s step down to the conference room where we can talk in private.”

Sam nodded, his face a mask against his emotions. “Let’s just get this over with.” 

He followed the officers down the hall and stood in the same room he’d listened to Dr. Victors explain about Jules’s condition. Only the male officer followed him into the room and closed the door. Sam turned to him, suddenly angry. Angrier than he’d been after being kicked out of Jules’s cubicle after she began throwing up. Angry that these officers, no matter how well intentioned they might be or no matter that they were just doing their job, were taking him away from the woman he loved when she needed him the most. Angry that they were wasting their time with him instead of putting Johnny Dawson back in jail where he deserved to be.

“So what all do you want? Blood sample? Cheek swab? Sperm sample? I gotta be honest with you that last one might be a little hard to get. In case you didn’t hear, my girlfriend was assaulted earlier; doesn’t quite put me in an arousing kind of state.”

If the officer took offense at Sam’s cutting remarks and menacing glare he didn’t show it. He pulled out a wrapped buccal swab and pealed off the sterile wrapping. “All I have to do is swab the inside of your cheek.”

Sam held himself rigid as he opened his mouth wide. The officer ran the swab on the inside of Sam’s cheek. He sealed the swab in its protective sheath and used a pen to write Sam’s name on the outside. Sam glared at him.

“Is that all? Can I go now?”

“It would help if you could answer a few questions for me. Help us to get an accurate picture of what happened.”

Sam sighed. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

At first the questions revolved around whether or not Sam had noticed anyone paying Jules any undue attention lately. Sam told him about Johnny and the fact that the man had assaulted Jules twenty years ago as well as the things that had happened upon his release. The officer took notes and then started asking questions about Sam’s relationship with Jules. As the questions grew more personal, Sam felt himself getting more and more defensive. He was also chaffing at the fact that the process was taking way too long; he should have been back with Jules by now. He only hoped she was okay. 

“When was the last time you and Constable Callaghan had sex?”

It turned Sam’s stomach to have to talk about his sex life with a complete stranger. “Last night. So yes, you’ll probably find evidence of my bodily fluids in the samples the doctor took earlier.”

“I need you to describe the exact nature of that sexual contact.” The officer had the grace to look apologetic but Sam blew up anyway.

“Go to hell. If you need some sort of cheap thrill, find a magazine or something. My love life with my girlfriend is none of your business. I‘m not about to let you get your jollies at the expense of our privacy.”

The officer frowned. “I can assure you Constable Braddock that I take no pleasure in asking these questions. Ordinarily I’d agree with you. It’s none of my business how either of you choose to express your feelings for each other. However, I have a crime to solve and I’ve got to be able to differentiate whether the findings of the forensic nurse were a product of the assault or something that occur during a previous consensual act.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at the man. “Then why don’t you ask about the findings instead of demanding a play by play? I can’t imagine you’d want to discuss the more intimate details with whomever you choose to sleep with.”

The officer nodded. “Fine then. The nurse recorded numerous bite marks around Constable Callaghan’s breasts and genitals.”

Sam’s stomach turned even more. Enough so that he reached for the small garbage can next to the couch as he began to retch. He’d gathered from the little Jules had opened up to him about the original attack that Dawson’s painful bites in those areas were a big reason she shunned any sort of intimacy there. Now she was going through the same pain again? He was going to kill the son of a bitch as soon as he could get his hands on him. “No, I never. I wouldn’t.”

“Okay, I’m sorry I’ve had to put you through this. I know this isn’t easy for you. In my job I’ve seen the effects an assault can have on both the victim and her significant other. Recovering from such an attack doesn’t happen over night. It’s a long, difficult emotional road not just for her but for you as well. It would probably be a good idea for Constable Callaghan to talk to a counselor to help her cope with the emotions she’s going to experience. It’s obvious to me how much you care about her and I know you want the best for her. I would recommend you talk with one yourself. A counselor can give you tips for helping your girlfriend and give you an outlet for handling your own fears and emotions.”

Sam shrugged but didn’t comment. He knew getting Jules to talk to anyone was going to be difficult and even knowing how important it was, wasn’t sure he could pressure her to do so if she was against it. “Can I go now?”

The officer nodded. After getting Jules’s room number from the nurses’ desk, he practically raced up the stairs. He knocked gently and then let himself in. He was alarmed to see that Jules looked upset even though Sophie seemed to be doing her best to comfort her. A glance around the room showed no sign of either Peter or Greg. 

“What happened?”

Sophie looked at him from her spot near Jules’s bed where she’d been trying to comfort the distraught woman. “I promised to stay until you got here. Ed called Greg from headquarters. Apparently the guy you all believe is responsible for hurting Jules was assaulted while at work. Greg and Peter had to go down the station to bail out the person responsible.”

It was on the tip of Sam’s tongue to express his gratitude that someone had done what he wasn’t able to do. But seeing how much this was upsetting Jules was enough to refrain. “Who was it?”

Jules sobbed heavily. “James.”


	33. Chapter 33

“This isn’t happening. I refused to believe this is happening. Seriously? I’m sitting here under arrest and that no good waste of breath unmitigated bastard is walking around free? What kind of justice are we living under?” James paced the interrogation room like an animal stuck in a cage. He picked up a chair and threw it across the room against the two way mirror. The window was made of material strong enough to withstand the assault and didn’t so much as crack. “Damn it. I know you’re out there. This isn’t fair. Somebody come in here and talk to me.”

James was right, he was under observation; had been since the moment he’d been left in the interrogation room with the cuffs removed. Currently four men were standing on the other side of the mirror watching the eldest brother of the Callaghan family self destruct. Wordy shook his head, as he looked back at Greg, Ed, and the man he’d been introduced to as another one of Jules’s brothers. 

“Several of us were waiting in the lobby for the rest of the team to come down; we had a blitz planned on several local gangs tonight. It was quiet, the only other person in the lobby was the new night custodian who was mopping the floor. Suddenly this guy storms into the building. We could tell he was upset and at first he looked like he was going to approach us for help. Then he caught sight of the custodian and just went ballistic. Accused the guy of raping his sister and as he starts punching the guy, he’s telling him that he wasn’t going to get away with it a second time. Took four of us to pull him off the guy. I saw the Callaghan name when I checked his ID but I never would have connected him to Jules. If Spike hadn’t come in and recognized him…”

Greg frowned. He hadn’t seen Spike since he and Peter had arrived. “Spike’s here? Why?”

Ed supplied the answer. “I‘ve got him checking a few things for me. Putting his computer skills to use.”

Wordy turned back to the look at the man he’d been forced to arrest. He hadn’t had a choice considering the guy had attacked another person in front of witnesses, especially witnesses that were also cops. Once Spike had identified the agitated man as Jules’s brother, and knowing that Jules didn’t have any sisters, Wordy had felt awful about putting the cuffs on the man and bringing him down to the interrogation room. “Is it true? About Jules?” 

He couldn’t bring himself to use the word rape anywhere in the same sentence as Jules’s name. He might have had to leave SRU after his diagnosis but as close as he might have gotten with his new co-workers, he would forever in his heart be a member of Team One. They weren’t just friends, they were family. And he couldn’t stomach the idea of anyone putting their unfriendly hands on any of his family. 

“We don’t know exactly what happened but yes, she was attacked this evening. She’s going to be okay though. The doctor only admitted her because of the effects of the drug she was given. Sam is with her now and you know he’s going to take care of her.” Greg explained and then looked at Ed. “Why is it that Dawson was at work? Fletcher assured me he would be taken in for questioning as soon as he showed up.”

Ed explained about the alibi and Dawson’s further claim that he hadn’t approached Jules the night before. “That’s why I called in Spike. I figured if anyone could find a flaw in his story, it would be Spike. I gotta tell ya Boss, I know James was wrong but I understand where he’s coming from. It took everything in me not to lay his ass out earlier myself. Jules’s brother doesn’t have that cop training of staying cool in a crisis to fall back on. It doesn’t seem right that he’s being detained and Dawson is running free.”

Wordy leaned against the wall, his arms crossed before him. “Fortunately we pulled him off Dawson before he could seriously hurt him. Black eye, bloody nose. We’re still waiting to see if Dawson is even going to file assault charges. I figured if we stuck him in here, it’ll at least keep him out of further trouble. As it is, the most he could be charged with is simple assault.”

Peter sank into the a chair. “James has been building up to something like this every since we found out that Johnny hurt Jules all those years ago. Only worry about Dad’s health has kept him from acting on his rage. I guess hearing that our baby sister was hurt again was just too much for him. I should have known he was going to go after Johnny when I was able to convince him not to come to the hospital. Damn it. My brother is an idiot. Does he really think Jules needs this on top of everything else she’s going through?”

Greg looked to Wordy. “Where’s Dawson now?”

“We had medics check him out. Once they determined he didn’t need to go to the hospital, another officer took him down the hall to get his statement, room 5 I believe. As far as I know he’s still there. I’ve obviously missed out a lot. What’s this about Jules being hurt before? I don’t get it.”

“Eddie, why don’t you fill Wordy in. Peter do you think you can calm your brother down?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know. I can try.”

“Do it. I’m going to talk to Dawson, see where his mind is about pressing charges.” Greg left the room and strode down the hall to the room Wordy had directed him to. He knocked and waited for the officer to let him in. He asked permission to talk to Dawson alone and the officer agreed. He sat down opposite Dawson who sat back in his chair, looking unfazed despite the dribble of blood that still spurted occasionally from his nose behind the wrapped ice pack the medics had given him for his eye and nose.

“Great, can this day get any better? Bad enough that I get pulled in for questioning as soon as I get to work but then I get beaten up by my own nephew and now this, a visit from the illustrious sergeant of SRU’s Team 1. So what’s it going to be? Whips and chains? Some medieval torture technique? Maybe just boring me with your moral superiority? Tell you what, just spare me. I already told that other sergeant that unless you are planning on charging me then I have nothing to say. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll ask my boss to let me just go home for the night. Under the circumstances, I don’t think he’d have a problem with it. I’m not feeling motivated to work right now. It’s been a hard night.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Of course, it’s nothing compared to the kind of night your niece is having.” Greg’s voice was carefully neutral. 

Johnny shook his head. “I had nothing to do with any of that. I spent the better part of the afternoon and evening at an anger management seminar. Good thing I did apparently otherwise I might not be handling all these accusations and attacks as calmly as I am. Look, I’m sorry that my niece was hurt. I really am. But no matter how intimidating you and your other officers try to be or how much her brothers beat me up, it’s not going to make me confess. You’re wasting your time.”

Greg nodded. “I can see that. I’m not here investigating what happened to Jules. Conflict of interest and all says I have to stay out of that. I don’t even know where the investigation stands right now. I’m here strictly as Jules’s friend to ask you a favor.”

Johnny snorted. “Favor? That’s rich. Okay, Mr. Serve and Protect, what kind of favor do you want?”

“Don’t press charges against James Callaghan.”

Johnny lowered the ice pack. “Why shouldn’t I press charges? Do you see what he did to me? I don’t even want to think about what he would have done if those officers hadn’t been there to pull him off me. He‘s the one who should be in anger management classes.”

“Yeah, I can see he did quite a number on you. But can you blame him? The guy just found out someone assaulted his baby sister. He’s lashing out at who he thinks is responsible, probably because he feels guilty that he wasn’t able to prevent her from getting hurt in the first place. I’m not saying he’s right; violence is never the answer. But does he deserve to go to jail because he was trying to protect his sister’s honor? I don’t know. More importantly though, does Jules deserve to suffer because he lost control? She’s your niece; do you really want to see her hurt worse than she’s already been?”

Johnny narrowed his eyes, although only one was really cooperating. “Why should I care? It’s because of her lies that I’m even a suspect.”

It galled Greg to hear Johnny accuse Jules of lying but he had to maintain his objectivity. “So show her, show all of us, that you’re not the monster she thinks you are. Don’t press charges against James. Show a little compassion. What could it hurt? If for some reason he tried to hurt you again, you could always change your mind and press charges later.”

Johnny appeared to be mulling over the idea. Finally he nodded. “Maybe it would help JAC to know I’m not the monster she’s built me up to be. The truth is I miss the close relationship I used to have with my sister’s family. I know there’s not going to be a magical solution for fixing that but I guess pressing charges against my nephew wouldn’t help. Okay, I’ll let it go for now. But if he comes near me again, all bets are off.”

Greg nodded. “I totally get that. Thank you. Thank you for putting Jules’s feelings first. I’ll let the officers know you’ve made a decision.”

Johnny watched as the man made his way out of the room. He picked up the ice pack and brought it up to his nose, hiding his mouth just in case someone was watching in the observation room. He smiled, the expression almost sinister. “Quid pro quo, Little JAC. Quid pro quo.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Sam.” One word so much emotion. 

It killed him to think there could be something Jules wanted in this moment that he would say no to. Had she asked for just about anything else he’d have given in in an instant. But he couldn’t say yes to what she wanted. More importantly, he didn’t want to say yes. “No. Not going to happen. You are staying right where you are. Just because your brother has lost his mind, doesn’t mean you’ve got to lose yours as well.”

As soon as he’d arrived at the room and found out that James had been arrested for assault, Jules had pressed him in her improving but still faltering speech to take her to the station to check on her brother. He was still on edge after his encounter with SCU and all he really wanted to do was spend the rest of the night holding Jules in his protective embrace and reassuring himself with every breath he heard her take and with every beat of her heart that he felt as he pressed her to him that she was okay. Instead, he found himself having to argue with her instead of holding her close.

Sophie tried to help. “Jules, Greg and Eddie are both there. They’ll make sure your brother is fine. Trust them to take care of this for you.”

“Need…be there. My fault.”

Sophie shook her head. “Jules, none of this is your fault. You can’t blame yourself for anything that’s happened today.”

Jules frowned. “Don’t know anything ’bout it.”

Sophie looked over to Sam. She didn’t take any offense to Jules’s antagonism. She could tell the poor woman was at the end of her rope and Sam didn’t look far from his own either. She’d hadn’t spent a lot of time around her husband’s teammates but the time she had spent was enough to let her know they more Jules felt ganged up on, the more determined she would be to go. Perhaps if she left, Sam could convince Jules to remain where she was and get some much needed sleep. 

“It’s been a hard day for you and you need your rest. I’m going to go home and check on Clark and the baby. I’ll come by tomorrow to see how you‘re doing. Jules, please listen to Sam. He’s got your best interests at heart.” She gave Sam’s arm a squeeze as he stood to give her a hug. “Call me if you need anything.”

He nodded and walked her to the door. Almost on automatic pilot he encouraged her to make sure someone walked her to the car. She promised and left. Sam turned to look at Jules, his nerves on edge. “She came because she cares. We all care about you and we’re worried about you.”

“Doesn’t help.” 

Sam counted to ten. He knew she was upset and frustrated and taking it out on anyone who was close enough. “Neither will going to the station tonight.”

“Going.” Her chin jutted out in defiance. 

He shook his head, his patience snapping. His blues eyes were dark with anger as he started opening drawers and then the closet looking for something. He found was he was looking for in the closet and scooped up the bag Greg had brought earlier. He dropped it angrily on the end of her bed. “Fine, if you’re so determined to go against what we all know is best for you then I’m not going to stop you. There’s your bag, get dressed and I’ll take you.”

Surprised that he was giving in so quickly, Jules pulled herself up and reached for the bag. Her movements were jerky and uncoordinated but she finally had her hand on the bag but couldn’t make the zipper work the fine motor skills needed to make her fingers work still paralyzed. She looked at him, her eyes pleading. “Help.”

Sam shook his head, standing with his back to her. “No. I’m not going to stop you and I will drive you once you get dressed but I’m not going to help you.”

The darkness outside caused the window to act more like a mirror than the see-through pane that it was. He could see the glare she shot him and then her fumbling attempts to get the bag open. It was killing him to see her struggle but he knew the last thing she would want is for someone feeling sorry for her and coddling her. 

Her frustration got the better of her and she used her legs, which seemed to have more strength to them than any other part of her body, to kick the bag off the bed. Her low growl stating her emotional state better than anything else. Sam turned and crossed to the bed, squatting slightly so that he was at eye level with her.

“I’m sorry, Jules. You know I’m right about this.”

“You don’t care.” 

Sam tried not to feel hurt or frustrated but it was hard. He knew her emotions were on edge with everything that had happened and that she didn’t mean half the things she said. Still, whether she was aware of the power she possessed or not, she’d always had the ability to crush him with her words even when it wasn’t what she intended. All the pent up anger he’d been feeling since his meeting with SCU came to a head and he stood, his jaw rocking. “Yeah, right. I fucking don’t care. That’s exactly why I’ve been going out of my mind since the moment I got home and realized something had happened to you. Why am I even here since you don‘t seem to want me around anymore. But I can see where you would think my concern means I just don’t fucking give a damn. You know what, maybe I should just leave.”

He rose and headed for the door. He had no intentions of leaving, wouldn’t leave her completely defenseless with her attacker still on the loose. But he needed to put just a little distance between them, just long enough that he could regain his own focus and be there for her without taking everything so personally, so he could be the person she needed him to be. 

Her heartbreaking sobs stopped him dead in his tracks and he rested his head on the door. Feeling like a heel for not being more understanding, he’d returned to her side, prepared to sit on the bed and gather her gently in his arms. When she’d involuntarily flinched as he loomed over her, he’d changed direction and threw himself in the chair Sophie had vacated when she left. If anything, her sobs grew in intensity as she stammered over herself, apologizing and then begging him to hold her. Her cries hurt just as much as her barbs. 

“No, Jules, I’m not going to hold you right now, not because I don‘t care and not because I don’t want to. We’re both upset and your body is obviously reacting negatively to it. I’m not going to risk hurting you. I can’t do that.”

She turned her back to him at his rejection and continued to cry. He continued to try to assure her that everything was okay, that he wasn’t mad, and that he understood she was just upset. Though he almost ached to do so, he didn’t give in and take her in his arms not wanting to upset her further but also not sure he could handle the rejection if she spurned his touch again even without meaning to. But he couldn’t stand to see her so upset and do nothing. Therefore, he scooted the chair close enough that he could reach out and touch her. With one hand he ran his fingers through her dark hair and the other he trail up and down her arm. After what seemed like an eternity, his soothing words and touches finally settled her down and she drifted off to sleep. 

He continued to sit there slowly stroking her soft skin until her breathing fully evened out and her body went slack as her body surrendered to the sleep she needed. He’d lost count of the times he’d watched her succumb to sleep in the course of their relationship. It was like watching a wind up toy slowly winding down. She was the type of person who went full tilt all day long so much so that her body had to ease into sleep. But once she finally surrendered, it was a complete and total shutdown. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face flushed from being upset. He had no doubt that even though she was out for the count for now, it was only a matter of time before her sleep became troubled and dreams unleashed their fury on her. 

Until that happened and she needed him more than she’d possibly needed him all night, he needed to find answers to the questions he had, to the questions he knew she’d ask as soon as she was awake. He stood and stepped to the bathroom so he could make a phone call without waking her. As he waited for the person on the other end of the line to answer, he kept his eye on her sleeping body, watching for any sign of distress. After several rings, Greg finally answered.

“Hey, it’s Sam. What the hell is going on down there?”

_“Johnny decided not to press charges. James will be released as soon as the paper work is finished. Peter’s going to take him home and stay with him tonight to make sure he doesn’t cause any more trouble. How’s Jules?”_

“Asleep for now but it’s been a tough evening. She didn’t need the worry about James on top of everything else. I really get why James went after Johnny; I really do. How many times have we responded on calls that turned out to be just some person making the wrong choice about how to handle an impossible situation. I get and what’s more I don’t completely blame him. I would like just five minutes with the bastard myself but not at the expense of upsetting Jules. How the hell did this happen, Boss? Sophie said James attacked Johnny while at work; how is that possible? You swore to me that Team Four was going to pull him in for questioning. Why wasn’t Johnny in custody?”

Greg explained about the alibi but didn’t tell Sam about Johnny’s other claims. No sense upsetting him more than was necessary. Sam swore. “That’s just great. So what the hell do I tell Jules when she wakes up and starts asking these same questions? Because we both know she will.”

_“You tell her that Spike is working on breaching the alibi. If it can be done, Spike will do it. Look, hopefully she’ll stay asleep. We both know it’ll be better for her than anything. I’m going to stay here and see what I can do to help on this end. If you need me, for anything, even if it’s just someone to vent to, call me.”_

Sam promised. Seeing Jules start to squirm in the bed he ended his call so he could get to her before the start of a nightmare could get too vicious. Even though he’d known it was only a matter of time until the dreams hit, he’d hoped she’d get a little more sleep before they did. He was glad to see the control once more returning to her body but hated seeing the evidence of it through her dreams. Before he could reach the bed, she bolted upright into a seated position, breathing hard, eyes frantically looking around the room trying to figure out where she was. 

“Jules, it’s okay, sweetheart. You’re safe. You’re in the hospital but you are safe. It’s okay; just a nightmare. I’m right here.” Sam kept his voice soft and gentle, not wanting to upset her. He eased down on the side of the bed beside her, but didn’t try to touch her, knowing she wasn’t fully cognizant of where she was. 

She took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Finally she nodded as his words sunk in. She looked at him, her eyes apologetic. “Sam, I’m sorry. I was such a bitch earlier.”

Sam was glad to see that her speech seemed pretty much back to normal. Before she fell asleep he’d seen an improvement from the ER but her barbs and arguments had still shown evidence that her voice was struggling under the effects of the drug. Taking a chance and ready to pull back at the slightest hesitation on her part, Sam eased her into his arms. She melted against him and wrapped her arms around him. He could tell that her arms still weren’t working quite that well. “If anyone’s earned a right to be a little bitchy, it’s you. It’s okay. I’m a big boy and I can take it. For the record though I was probably as much of a bastard as you think you were being bitchy. Let’s forget about that for now. I talked to Sarge. James isn’t being charged with anything.”

She pulled back ever so slightly so she could see his face, her eyes both confused and hopeful at the same time. “He’s not? How?”

“I don’t know any details. Sarge just said that Johnny decided not to press charges. Peter’s going to baby sit James the rest of the night.”

He thought the news would ease the troubled expression in Jules’s eyes but if anything it increased. She chewed on her bottom lip. “Why?”

Sam held his breath, anticipating that her question was going to go in the direction of why Johnny wasn’t the one in custody. But Jules finished out her question. “Why would Johnny help James?”

He didn’t have the answers to that any more than he had than he wanted to explain why Johnny wasn’t in custody. He shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe he realizes he deserved getting punched.”

She shook her head. “You don’t know him like I do. He doesn’t think like you and me. He won’t admit blame, not even to himself. He’d never think he deserved it.”

Sam didn’t know what answer she was looking for but he could tell she was steadily working herself up into a state similar to the one she’d been in before falling asleep. “Jules, does it really matter? Isn’t it enough that he’s not pressing charges, that your brother is not going to jail?”

“It matters, with Johnny it always matters. Call Sarge, find out why.”

Sam sighed and reached for his phone again. He waited until he had Greg once more on the phone. “Sarge, Sam again. Jules wants to know if we have any idea why Johnny decided not to press charges. She says it doesn’t seem like something he would do.”

_“I talked him into it. Convinced him to do it for Jules’s sake; that she didn’t need the extra worry right now. He did it for her.”_

Sam lowered the phone and repeated what Greg had told him. Jules laid back against the bed, her face pale. Even her lips looked devoid of color. She sniffled and nodded matter of factly, her eyes not meeting his. “Awesome. So now I owe him. I wonder what it’ll cost me this time.”


	34. Chapter 34

“Damn.” Spike frowned at his computers as if what he was seeing was their fault completely. He picked up the trademark red insulated cup Ed had pushed his way about an hour earlier. It was empty; Spike having finished off the double double not long after he’d gotten it. Now, he crumpled it in his hand and threw it across the room in frustration. “Double damn.” His jaw twitched a couple of times as he contemplated his next move. Then he nodded. “Maybe if I tried…” He trailed off, his audience didn’t care how he got the answers they needed, they just needed the answers. 

Greg and Ed exchanged a glance. It was late. They were all tired and frustrated but none of them wanted to give up and go home. Logically, Greg knew he should put an end to this and order everyone, including himself, to go home and get at least a few hours sleep before reporting for their shift. They were already going to be down two members, no question about Jules needing the day off and there was no way he was going to let Sam work, not with his attention so focused on Jules. What good would they do the city if the majority rest of the team was too exhausted to be on their best game?

“What’s wrong?” Ed demanded but his tone was gentle. He’d been sitting on the desk behind Spike, watching but not understanding everything their resident computer expert was doing and not wanting to distract Spike.

“Jules said he was there so he was there. I know that. Just like if Jules tells me the sky is purple with pink polka dots, I’m going out to look -- not to question her statement but to see a hell of a sight. So he’s there but I can’t find him. Not a single camera picked him up. Look there’s Jules’s jeep. Smart girl, parked maybe not right under the light but close enough to be safe. Here she comes walking up to it. She’s not really paying attention to her surroundings; she looks more like she’s lost in her thoughts. Ordinarily not a good thing for a woman walking alone to her car at night but this is Jules. She can go from distracted to red alert in a split second. Now she’s at the door of her car and we see the first part of the problem. The angle of the camera is all wrong, you can barely see her let along anyone else. She’s just standing there, not walking away not getting in. That’s the best you can see until she finally gets in the car.”

“Can you improve the picture, expand the range?”

Spike shook his head, his eyes not leaving the screen. “I’ve tried every trick I know of -- and you know I know them all. I can refine that picture so well that I could tell you exactly how many miles Jules has on her odometer. I can even get it down to the point I can read the receipt sitting on the dashboard. But I can’t get it to give me what’s going on outside the jeep and that‘s the only part that matters.”

Greg nodded. “Go home. We’re all going home. It’s already after one. At this rate we can at least get four maybe five hours of sleep before we report back to work. All of this will be still be here then. We aren’t going to do anyone any good if we’re too exhausted to think.”

He knew it was the right thing to do but he felt like a traitor for saying it. The mutinous looks Spike and Ed were giving him said they were thinking it as well. He sighed. “Jules is important to all of us. We all want to make sure the bastard that hurt her pays for it; especially because it appears he got away with it before. Trust me, I want him as much as both of you do. But we can’t help Jules if we run ourselves ragged. She won’t thank us for that.”

“She’d do it.” Spike muttered almost under his breath. “If one of us was lying in the hospital, the victim of a vicious crime, she wouldn’t stop until she over turned each and every stone necessary to find the person responsible. She wouldn’t take time to sleep, eat, hell I don’t think she’d stop to pee.” He shoved his seat back enough to bury his head in his hands. 

Greg had to admit he had a point. They were all guilty of putting their own needs on the back burner when working a case, Jules more so than the rest of them. “And if it was you who was hurt, what would you do if you knew she was doing that?”

“I’d tell Sam to tie her to their bed if that’s what it took to make her get some rest.” He thought about his words and paled. “Shit. Tie her to the bed. How could I say that after she was… She was…” His voice cracked and he launched himself out of the chair and turned his back on his teammates. His hand came back in a fist and it looked like he was about to slam it against the wall but instead brought it to rest without force against the cold concrete. He leaned his head against his fist. “This is all just wrong. This can’t be happening, not to Jules. It shouldn’t happen to anyone but it most definitely shouldn’t be happening to Jules.”

Ed rose from his perch and crossed over to Spike, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Jules will be okay.”

Spike turned to look at him, his eyes suspiciously bright with unshed tears. “Will she? I mean we all know Jules. She’ll try to deal with this in her normal bottle it all up and pretend it doesn’t bother her even if it’s killing her way. She’s not going to want us to see her struggling with this; she’ll be afraid it’ll make her look weak or broken. This isn’t some busted rib that will heal on its own whether she’s stubborn about getting help or not. I don’t know that anyone still knows the full story about what happened to her twenty years ago but we’ve all seen in the last couple of weeks how that’s still affecting her. Now she’s suffering the same thing a second time probably by the same person?”

Greg sighed. “There’re several big differences this time. She’s older and stronger than she was at sixteen. And more importantly what happened this time isn‘t some big secret she‘s been able to hide. Even if she tries to bottle everything up, we know what she’s going through and we’re going to take care of her whether she asks for help or not. But the biggest difference is that this time, we’re going to make sure she gets justice.”

“Not if I let her down and don’t find a way to prove Dawson’s lying.” Spike muttered almost inaudibly but Greg still heard him. 

Greg knew it wasn’t just the exhaustion talking. Spike was worried about his friend. Greg had gotten to see her first hand and Ed would get a first hand report from Sophie as soon as he got home to reassure himself that she was doing as okay as possible. He didn’t regret asking them to stay away because he truly believed it was better that Jules hadn’t been bombarded by everyone at the same time. But he couldn’t deny the rest of the team had a need to see her for their own sake as well. 

“Spike, Buddy, you aren’t going to let her down . Even if you don’t find what we’re looking for. You are her friend and she’s going to appreciate everything you are doing. Go home, get some sleep. In the morning, stop by the hospital and check in on her before you come to work. Team Four is going to be working alongside us tomorrow since we’re down two people and need the manpower to check out leads on her case. We’ll be okay if you’re a little late getting here. I think the visit will do you both some good.” 

Spike nodded and followed Ed across the room to where Greg was sitting near the door. He stopped before leaving the room, turning to face Greg again. “What is she doesn’t want to see me?”

Greg smiled understandingly. “She might not want to talk about what happened but she’ll want to see you.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Dreams could be funny things. Sometimes they could pull something out of thin air and create whole scenarios that made no sense at all, not even to the dreamer. Sometimes dreams could do every kind of horrible or wonderful things with the dreamer’s secret or known fears and desires. Sometimes dreams lacked imagination and just forced the dreamer to relieve painful memories that would be better off forgotten completely. And sometimes especially when dreams switched over to nightmares, it could do a combination of any and all of the above. 

Dreams could also be very powerful. Trapping the dreamer within the presented imagines so that even if he or she recognized that it was a dream, was powerless to stop or control the action taking place. Sometimes making the dreamer an observer and sometimes a participant, the dream acting like the puppet master controlling the strings of the dreamer who’s now the puppet. 

Jules Callaghan knew all about dreams. More often than not in the last twenty years, dreams had been more her enemy than her friend. Especially when she was feeling especially stressed. Over the years she’d learned the best way to exert her own power over the demons that controlled her dreams was by simply not allowing them a playground in which to attack when she was sure they were going to be their most vicious. Usually it worked. She might go without sleep until her body crashed with exhaustion but usually by that time the stressful time had passed dulling the effect the dreams could have on her. In the past couple of weeks she’d found a new secret weapon in her war against the dream demons, her own personal dream catcher. While Sam’s loving and solid arms holding her close during the night didn’t ward off all dreams they did give her the strength to face them on their own terms. 

Still, she’d been apprehensive about fully giving herself over to sleep tonight. The dreams were always at their worst when she was at her weakest and seemed to delight in seeing just how much havoc they could cause, as if getting back at her for those times she got the one up on them. The nights after her mother’s death, the so much less than successful night when she’d tried to give the tattered remains of her virginity to Brian, the first time she’d been forced to take a life as a sniper, the nights directly after being shot -- it wouldn’t even be close to say the dreams won four to nothing those nights, more likely the score couldn’t even be tallied. Everything that had happened from the moment the drug had taken over her body to the realization that at least in Johnny’s eyes she owed him had everything prepped for a shut-out victory for dreams even with Sam by her side. 

Almost as if he could read the fears in her mind, Sam had tried to reassure her that it was okay for her to sleep. He’d promised that no matter how much the night nurse might frown as she came in to do her checks during the night, he’d cram his body next to hers on the bed built for only one. He’d wrapped her close into his side, his arms tenderly and protectively wrapped around her small body knowing as if by instinct how tightly to hold her without triggering any negative responses. As was always the case, she felt safe in his arms but still found herself looking up into his concerned and exhausted face and quietly whispered that she needed him even closer. With a sigh, he’d cautiously lifted his left leg and draped it carefully over her legs, ready to remove it at the first sign of her looking uncomfortable. It’s familiar weight on top of her was welcoming instead of frightening and she’d felt herself starting to relax. No matter how much she’d wanted to fight sleep’s slow pull, she couldn’t fight it enough to stay awake. 

At first her dreams played fair. Yeah, they weren’t pleasant but nothing she couldn’t handle within her own mind, knowing Sam was there at her side. Lulled into a false sense of security she allowed herself to sink deeper and deeper into its clutches. That’s when her dreams unleashed their worst.

\-- FP --

  
 _“Sam, I’m quite capable of walking now, you know.” Jules only half protested as he came around the side of the jeep and lifted her in his arms intent on carrying her to the house._

_He laughed and nuzzled her hair teasingly with his nose, getting a good whiff of her berry scented shampoo. “Humor me a little please. You just got out of the hospital after all.”_

_At the door, she figured he’d have to set her on her feet in order to unlock and open the door. She frowned when he simply nudged it open with his foot. “Why isn’t the door locked? What if someone‘s gotten inside? What if he‘s gotten inside?”_

_He shrugged as he carried her over the threshold. “Not like a lock kept him out in the first place. It’s okay. He’s not going to come back. You’re safe. You trust me don’t you?”_

_She did and she didn’t hesitate to tell him so. He kicked the door close behind them. He set her down on the couch, the same couch she’d found herself thrown across blindfolded, tied up, and helpless. Her heart began to race as memories assaulted her. She tried to tell herself that everything was okay that she was okay that Sam was there and wouldn’t let anything or anyone hurt her. Goose pimples rose on her skin and she couldn’t help but feel a little afraid, despite the trust she felt toward Sam._

_“Sam, please check the house and make sure no one’s here. Please.”_

_He’d kissed her on the cheek and caressed the side of her face. “If it’ll make you feel better.”_

_She lay on the couch, fighting back her memories as Sam dutifully ran upstairs checking out every room. He came back downstairs and ruffled her hair affectionately before heading off to the kitchen to check things there. He returned a moment later holding a glass of clear liquid. He handed her the glass before sitting beside her and lifting her legs into his lap._

_“Nobody’s here. I figured you might be thirsty.”_

_Her hand was shaking slightly as she raised the glass to her lips. The Sprite was cold but something about it didn’t seem right. She set it on the coffee table and curled up closer to Sam so that she was closer to sitting on his lap than just having her legs draped across him. He put an arm around her shoulders and she rested her head on his chest. With one hand he picked up one of her wrists, examining the bruises that circled the wrist from where his tie had bit into her soft flesh. He kissed it gently and Jules shivered slightly._

_He looked down at her his blue eyes searching her brown ones. “I hate that you have a single bruise or mark on your body from what that monster did to you. I wish I had some magic salve that would wipe them all away. That would wipe away even the memory of what happened to you.”_

_Her breath hitched in her throat. “You could kiss them and make them better.”_

_Sam eyed her carefully. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”_

_She nodded. “Just kisses, right?”_

_Kissing the bruises on her wrist again, Sam nodded. “Whatever you want. You want to go upstairs?”_

_No, she needed to feel comfortable on the couch again and that wouldn’t happen if she avoided it like it was its fault she’d been hurt. “No, here.”_

_Her voice was a little shaky, revealing her stress. Sam carefully eased her t-shirt up over her head and set it on the coffee table next to the glass of Sprite. He gauged her response before reaching behind her to unclasp her bra. She shivered as her bruised breasts were exposed to him. Sam saw her reaction and paused. “If it’s too much…”_

_She shook her head. “I’m okay. Please, kiss me.”_

_Sam lowered his head and captured her lips with his own. She closed her eyes and allowed his tongue entrance. Everything about his kiss and his hands lightly holding her seemed natural and right. She felt herself melting against him just from his skillful kisses. When he finally pulled away, the thumb of one of his hands lightly circled her right breast. “I’m just going to lightly kiss the marks, nothing else. You can always tell me to stop.”_

_Jules nodded, trusting him that he not only wouldn’t hurt her but would be exceedingly gentle at the same time. She felt his warm breath on her skin seconds before his lips placed the most delicate of kisses on the first of the bruises he could reach. A tear ran down her cheek but it wasn’t a tear of fear or pain. It was a tear that said she knew how fortunate she was to have such a sweet and caring man watching over, almost worshiping her body. He continued to kiss each bruise and bite mark he found; kisses that would have been considered almost chaste if they had been against any other part of her body. She willingly surrendered her body to him and let herself get lost in the feel of his warm and loving lips soothing away the fear and pain._

_Wood splintered on wood as her front door was suddenly kicked inward. Several men wearing dress pants and button down shirts suddenly filled the room, guns drawn._

_“Metro Police SCU. Nobody move.”_

_Jules screamed at the sudden intrusion, trying to bury herself against Sam’s chest. She was all too aware of her half-dressed state in the presence of so many strange men. Sam’s arms tightened around her, trying to shield her from the eyes of their intruders._

_“Get down on the ground. Now, I said get down.”_

_Rough hands wrenched Sam away from her and practically threw him to the floor. She covered her exposed chest with her arms, scared to even reach for her t-shirt. One man frisked Sam before restraining his hands behind his back with handcuffs. Sam grunted in pain at the rough treatment but he didn’t fight back._

_Jules finally found her voice. “What are you doing? What’s going on?”_

_The men ignored her as they hauled Sam to his feet. “Sam Braddock, you are under arrest.”_

_Jules grabbed her t-shirt, throwing it on without checking to see if it was even turned the right way. They were shoving Sam toward the door seemingly ignoring her very presence. She scrambled off the couch, falling heavily to the floor between the couch and coffee table. She looked up from her position on the floor._

_“Wait stop. Why are you arresting him?”_

_“The charge is rape. He’s the one who assaulted you.”_

_She shook her head, rising to her knees. “No, you’re wrong. Sam wouldn’t hurt me. He didn’t hurt me. It wasn’t him. You can’t arrest him. You’ve got the wrong man.”_

_They didn’t respond as they left the house as quickly as they came, taking Sam with them. Taking Sam away from her. Jules buried her head in the couch and sobbed. Then she looked up again._

_“SAM!”_

\-- FP --

  
Sam woke instantly at the first scream of his name. His arms around Jules had relaxed as he slept but he released her completely as he realized she was caught in a nightmare. She bolted upright on the bed, breathing hard. He reached over on the bed and pressed the button that would turn on the light above the bed, hoping that by bathing the room in light, it would help shock her from her nightmare. Then he raised the bed so they were both sitting up. He didn’t want to touch her until he knew she was okay. Instead, just as he’d done earlier, spoke softly and reassuringly. 

She twisted on the bed and buried herself in his chest with a sob. Only then did he bring his arms around her holding her tightly but ready to release her at the first sign that it was what she needed and wanted. He was at a loss to do anything more than hold her and whisper soothing words in her ear as she sobbed for what seemed to be the longest time. He could feel her heart beating wildly. 

He’d never seen her so wildly upset and he wondered if he should call the nurse. He knew they didn’t want to give her any kind of medication as they waited for the neuromuscular agent to completely leave her system but surely it wasn’t good for her to be so upset it was hard for her to catch her breath. He questioned whether it had been a wise idea for him to sleep beside her like he had. Sure, it had been a suggestion Jules had eagerly agreed to and had wanted but shouldn’t he have known better? Only hours earlier she’d been brutally assaulted. The last thing she needed was the close proximity of a man so soon after all she’d been through. He hadn’t thought about the effect he might have on her dreams even though he’d ostensibly had used the excuse that he was trying to help her through her dreams instead of making them worse, but the truth had been, he hadn’t wanted to examine whether it was a good idea or not because he’d needed to hold her for his own sake just as much as for hers. 

At long last her breathing slowed and her sobs subsided. She pulled back and looked up at him not wanting him to release her long enough for her to even wipe away the tears. He looked down at her, his own concern evident.

“Must have been some dream. Want to talk about it?”

Jules shook her head. “Not really. Sam, I didn’t even ask you how it went with SCU earlier. Is everything okay with that?”

Sam frowned, though he’d understood the reasons behind the questions he’d been forced to answer, the personal nature of them still stung. Still, he didn’t want to worry Jules; she’d have to give her statement later in the morning and he didn’t want her worrying about what it would entail. However, if the SCU officers who arrived to question Jules weren’t absolutely and undeniably sensitive to her, they would have to answer to him. “Just a cheek swab and a few questions. It was fine. Nothing to worry about.”

“Do they suspect you? Are they going to try to pin this on you?”

Sam leaned his head back on the bed and closed his eyes. After all she’d been through, she was worried about him? He didn’t know if he should be relived or concerned. Opening his eyes again, he kissed away her tears. “Jules, you don’t have to worry about it. Everything is okay.”

She shook her head. “What if it’s not? I know you didn’t have anything to do with what happened. I might have been blindfolded but there was nothing about his touch or kiss that came even remotely close to resembling yours. It was so far opposite the way you treat me that its crazy. But that’s not the kind of evidence the guys at SCU are going to be interested in. I was home alone in a locked house. Aside from the key I had with me and the one you had with you, there are no other keys to the house. Either I let him in or he had a key. I didn’t let anyone in. The only foreign DNA they are going to find when they examine the samples the nurse took from me will be yours because the monster who hurt me was too careful to leave any evidence behind and we made love the night before. Please don’t think I suspect you because nothing could make me thing you did anything wrong but what if they look at the evidence and think you are the a suspect? I’m just saying it’s possible they might.”

He kissed her again and pulled her close. “Jules, as long as you know I would never hurt you then what they think doesn’t matter. I trust that they know their job and they aren’t going to go there but if they do, I’ll deal with it when and if it comes up. It’s not something you need to work yourself up over.”

Jules shook her head. “It does matter. They could arrest you on suspicion and if they did that you could lose your job even though you didn’t do anything wrong. They could take you away from me when I need you the most and I won’t be able to get through this without you and I know it’s so incredibly selfish that I’m even thinking like that when it would be your life they are ruining…”

Sam silenced her with a kiss. Slowly she began to relax again as he let his lips and tongue silently soothe away her fears. When he felt her heart rate return to normal and the rigidity that had been unmistakable in her limbs relax, he trailed off the kiss and pulled back. Her eyes were closed but there was no fear evident in her face. 

“Listen to me. They aren’t going to suspect me because I didn’t do anything. Nobody is going to take me away from you. I promise you that because I won’t let them. And no more talk about you being selfish. Okay? It pisses me off to hear you say it. What if I told you that I’m here right now not just because you want me here but because I couldn’t be anywhere else. I need you maybe even more than you need me right now. Do you think that makes me selfish?”

She shook her head mutely. He kissed her forehead again. “Okay then, no more talk about you being selfish. No more worrying about me. They are going to prove Johnny attacked you and he’s going back to jail. He’s going to pay for what he did and you don’t have to worry about him thinking you owe him some sort of debt because he helped James and you don’t have to worry about him hurting you again. I’ll kill him before he’d ever get the chance. That’s my promise to you.”

Jules nodded ever so slightly. The intensity behind Sam’s promise was a little scary but tempered by the love he obviously felt for her. She settled back against him and he lowered the bed again. He left the light on until he was sure she was once more sound asleep. Then he turned it off and allowed himself to drift back to sleep.

\-- FP -- 

  
_“Patches? Where did you go you silly cat? You can run but I know all your hiding places.” Jules called out leaving the kitchen where she’d been working on the laundry._

_She frowned when she saw the over turned photo frame on the floor. She knelt down to pick it up. The glass had cracked down the middle of the frame, a line now separating Jules and Sam in the photograph. She ran her finger across the photo wincing as a shard of glass sliced her finger. She put her finger to her mouth and sucked on the drop of blood that had formed from the cut. She put the photograph back on the table, making a mental note to change the frame soon._

_A chill ran down her spine and she had the sudden sense of being watched. It was a ridiculous feeling; she was home alone and she didn’t think the kitten would be watching her with such intensity that she’d pick up on it. She shook her head and went back to the kitchen to get a band-aid._

_She returned to the living room to hear her phone beep as a text message came in. She picked up the phone and read the message with a frown. Sam would be gone all night because he’d been asked to pull a full double instead of cover for a few hours. She’d really been hoping to pick up where they’d left off the night before in the bedroom. She knew Sam was wanting to take things slow but maybe what she really needed was just to surrender all control to him and rely on the trust she had for him to help her get past her fears. Jump off the edge of the building instead of tentatively moving her feet closer and closer to the edge until there was nothing left holding her up._

_“Okay Patches, ready or not here I come. I still have two back paws to trim. Trust me it’s not that bad.” She leaned down to look under the couch, knowing the kitten was still small enough to fit under the tight space. She saw no sign of him and rose. She didn’t think he’d gotten confident enough to venture beyond the third stair step but she lightly ran up the stairs anyway._

_There was an unearthly sounding howl downstairs that made her blood run cold. “Patches?” She ran back down the stairs and stopped as she rounded into the living room from the staircase. Her scream filled the house as she saw her kitten lying on the couch bleeding and dying. It’s pitiful mewls giving testimony that it was still alive if only barely. She took a step toward him but hands circled her waist._

_“Miss me Little JAC? Thought you might like a little present, a reminder of our earlier time together.”_

_His aftershave gagged her and she struggled against his hold. It didn’t seem to faze him as he picked her up and threw her toward the couch. The cat but not the blood had disappeared; she could feel the stickiness of the kitten’s blood staining her bare back. She glanced down. Where had her clothes gone? How could things just disappear without her noticing them?_

_“Twenty years is way too long, JAC. We’ve got a lot to make up for but at least we’ll have all night to do it. Nothing is going to stop me from fully enjoying every part of your body. Nobody is going to save you this time.”_

_She started to scream again but he tipped a glass bottle to her lips pouring it down her throat. She choked on the abrasive liquid recognizing it as the rum kept in the kitchen for parities and cooking. Johnny laughed._

_“Does it taste good? Not your mother’s choice of beverages but it’ll work for my purposes. Damn JAC, you’re even more beautiful now than I remember. I’m going to love getting to know your body again. I’ll make you realize everything you’ve been missing with Golden Boy. I won’t promise to be gentle. Twenty years without touching a woman has left me a little impatient.”_

_His hands were roaming as he talked but Jules felt paralyzed to fight him. As he lowered his head to capture one of her breasts in his foul mouth, Jules wished for death, either her own or his, it didn’t matter._

\-- FP --

  
“NO!” 

Again she bolted upright in the bed with Sam immediately waking up. Once again he turned on the light and raised the bed without touching her until he was sure she was awake. Her hands were flying over her body as if checking to make sure she was dressed. Then she looked at him, her eyes wild and terrified. 

“Patches? Is Patches okay? God, Sam, please don’t tell me he hurt another kitten.”

He tentatively reached out to brush the hair from her face. “Patches is fine. He’s actually the one who led me to where you’d been hidden. I promise you, he’s fine. He wasn’t hurt.”

She nodded letting his reassurances calm her slightly. Her skin was crawling with the imagined feel of Johnny’s hands groping her. “I want to take a shower. Can I take a shower?”

Sam looked up at the clock on the wall above the closet. It was a little after three. Not exactly the most ideal time for taking a shower but if he was truly honest he was surprised she’d waited this long before expressing the need to wash off the reminders of what she’d been through. He didn’t think the little bit of washing up he’d helped her with in the ER after she’d thrown up counted. “Yeah, sure, Sweetheart, if you want to take a shower, we’ll figure it out. Do you think your body’s recovered enough that you’ll be able to do it by yourself or should I ask the nurse to come in and help?”

She shuddered. The last thing she wanted was to feel that cold impersonal latex against her skin. “I can do it.” Then a little more hesitantly, “Will you help me?”

Sam frowned. “Are you sure? It would mean me getting undressed with you. I don’t want to make you uneasy.”

“I’m sure I need a shower to try to get rid of the feel of him touching me. I’m sure that even though my body is working better than it was, I don’t trust my legs to hold me up long enough to get anywhere close to feeling clean. I’m sure there’s no one else I trust enough to help me.”

Sam softly caressed her face. “Okay. Give me a moment to get things ready in there and then I’ll come back and help you.” 

He eased off the bed and started toward the bathroom. There were several towels and washcloths in a stack on the counter as well as a bottle of body wash in the supply kit the hospital provided. The bathroom was small and he had no choice but to set the towels on the closed toilet. He placed the body wash on the little ledge inside the shower and turned the water on in the shower, adjusting the temperature until it was hot without being scalding. He heard someone come in behind him and saw that Jules had followed him. He shook his head. 

“What happened to waiting for me?”

She shrugged but he saw it in her eyes. She hadn’t felt secure being alone even knowing he just in the other room. Slowly he helped her undress knowing her fine motor skills were still not working properly enough to handle the ties. She lowered her head as the second gown dropped to the floor, leaving her naked before him. Sam reached up and lifted her chin so she had to look at him. “You okay?”

She nodded. “I know I look pretty awful right now. Like one big bruise.”

“You’re beautiful. No bruise or bite mark or anything else can changed that. I’m going to have to take my clothes off now. If it makes you uncomfortable just say the word. I’ll figure out some other way to help you get that shower.” 

She nodded, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth to keep her breathing regular. She hoped the inward quaking she felt like she was doing wasn’t visible on the outside. She could tell Sam was struggling, wanting to help but worried his actions would do the opposite. She wanted to try as hard as she could not to allow any negative reaction to show. Once his clothes were off, he took her by the hand and helped her step into the shower. 

He positioned her so the majority of the spray cascaded down on her. She shivered. “Too cold.”

Sam shook his head. “No, it’s not. Any hotter and it’ll burn your skin. It’s okay. It’ll feel warmer in a second. Just let it relax you.” 

He picked up the wash cloth and frowned. He remembered the fear he’d seen in her eyes when he’d tried to clean her up earlier after she threw up. As far as he knew, his handkerchief was still down in the ER cubicle where he’d left it. He didn’t have any other alternative. “Are you going to be okay if I use this?”

She nodded, biting her lower lip. He poured some of the soap on the cloth and started by gently scrubbing her back. He felt like it was the safest place to touch. She didn’t react negative so he began to wash other parts of her body, avoiding her breasts and her private areas. While he recognized that both areas were probably where she felt the most unclean given that’s where her attacker probably spent most of his time, that’s where her physical injuries were. He didn’t want to risk hurting her either mentally or physically. After he’d cleaned every where else, he handed her the rag giving her the choice to cleanse those areas. 

She flashed back to her attacker roughly scrubbing her breasts and lower region in the moments just before he left her lying in the closet. The memory of the smell of rum filled her nostrils and she knew if that wash cloth touched either area she was going to find herself transported back to that coat closet. She shook her head handing the cloth back to Sam. 

The water rinsed the soap from her body and yet she still resisted the urge to turn the heat up on the water. Sam was trying hard to keep enough distance between them to keep her from panicking but her legs began to quiver with the effort. He stepped closer supporting her body against him, willing himself not to react to the closeness of her body against him. He’d meant what he said to the SCU officer earlier, given everything she’d been through, sexual arousal was the last thing on his mind. However, he couldn’t guarantee that his body wouldn’t natural react. 

“Ready to get out?” His voice was husky. 

She shook her head. “Just a little longer. Please?”

“Okay.” Sam supported her body as the spray continued to pound into her body. He dropped the wash cloth to the floor. This shower wasn’t about getting clean; no matter how many times she washed or how hot the water was, it wouldn’t wash away the feelings she was desperate to get rid of. It was all about her feeling more secure and was worth any amount of sleep he lost supporting her in her attempts. He wasn’t sure how long he stood with her before she relaxed against him and her legs were threatening to buckle under her weight. Recognizing that she was half-asleep already, Sam reached over and shut off the water. He contemplated his newest dilemma. He didn’t want to wake her up; she needed the sleep, but how was he going to get them both dried off and dressed while supporting her weight. 

“It’s okay, I can stand long enough for you to get dressed.” Jules muttered sleepily. Sam gave a half smile, surprised that she was awake enough to realize the problem. He reached for a towel and quickly dried off, keeping one hand on her arm as she leaned heavily against the tile wall. He didn’t bother to get dressed, choosing to wrap the towel around his waist and tied it in place. Then he reached for the other towel and pulled her back to him as he dried her off as well. By the time he eased the first gown on and tied the straps in the back, she was fully asleep again. 

He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, not bothering with the second gown. There’s be time for that later. Once she was settled in the bed he brushed a kiss to her forehead and returned to the bathroom. He left the door opened in case she needed him and quickly dressed. She hadn’t moved by the time he climbed back in the bed with her and drew her close once again. He was half-asleep as well as he lowered the bed and turned out the light. 

“Love you Sam.”

“Love you too. Sweet dreams this time. You deserve them.”


	35. Chapter 35

At 7:30 in the morning, Spike carefully balanced his purchases with one hand as he raised the other to knock on the hospital door. He paused as he heard the his friends’ voices, sounding as tired and frustrated as he felt.

“Jules, just let me help you okay? It’s not a big deal.”

“If it’s not a big deal, then let me do it myself. I’ve been tying my own damn shoes since I was two years old. No reason why I can’t do it now. Quit hovering.”

Spike shook his head with a slight smile on his face. Jules sounded so perfectly Jules’s like that he couldn’t help but feel reassured. He knocked on the door and received a terse invitation to enter from Sam. Just as he opened the door, Jules let out an angry, frustrated curse and something solid came flying across the room hitting the wall right beside him. He looked down at the tennis shoe that was now lying on the floor then looked back at Jules who looked utterly miserable sitting on the side of the hospital bed. 

“That any way to greet someone who comes bearing gifts?” He knelt down and scooped the shoe up in his free hand and carried it to the bed. He set it beside Jules who was eyeing the coffee cups in the holder he carried along with a white bag. His grin widened as she licked her bottom lip in anticipation. “Ma always told me it was rude to visit someone in the hospital without bringing something. A little birdie once told me that you weren’t a fan of flowers and I seemed to remember you complaining how they liked to starve people around here by serving breakfast so late, I figured a stop at Timmys would do the trick.”

“You are the best.” Jules assured him reaching eagerly for one of the insulated cups. She took a grateful sip of the hot coffee, the first real thing she’d been allowed to eat or drink since the Sprite the day before. “Next time we go on patrol together you can have the keys no argument from me.”

Spike cocked his eyebrow. The only time she willing let him drive was if they were in the middle of a hot call and she was needed in the passenger seat to handle making calls to gain information. He glanced over at Sam. “Did I seriously hear her correctly? She’s willingly letting me drive without a fight and not out of necessity? Did the doctor check her for a concussion?” 

“Watch it or the next time the shoe won’t hit the wall.” Jules warned but it lacked any real threat. It was clear she was enjoying the coffee. From the dark circles under her eyes, it wasn’t hard to see why. 

The sleep she’d given in to after the long shower had lasted maybe twenty minutes before her nightmares had once more attacked full force. She’d tossed and turned until giving up on sleep completely. Around five thirty she’d insisted on taking another shower, assuring Sam she could handle this one by herself. Sam hadn’t protested, knowing from his training that it wouldn’t be unusual for her to want to shower quite frequently for at least the next few days. He hadn’t protested even when the shower lasted for a full hour and a half. Still, it didn’t stop him from sticking a hand in every so often to check the water temperature. Every time she tried to edge the hot water faucet tap up to its highest setting, he’d reached in to nudge it back down to a reasonable level. 

After she’d finally turned the water off completely, he was there to hand her a towel to dry off with and a new gown to put on. That’s when the arguing had started. She insisted on putting on the clothes that Greg had brought her the night before saying she was going to be released before long anyway, he‘d reminded her they didn‘t know when the doctor would make rounds and decide to sign the discharge papers. To which she replied that if it wasn’t soon, she’d sign herself out without or without the doctor’s permission. He’d given in to her desire to wear regular cloths but that hadn’t ended the arguments. Every attempt he made to help her dress, especially with things like her bra clasp and shoe strings that required the fine motor skills that were still sluggish for her, had been met with snappish comments. He kept reminding himself that her emotions were going to be all over the place and that he couldn’t take it personally but it wasn’t that easy. He gratefully reached for the second cup of coffee before opening the bag Spike had offered. 

Spike nodded toward it. “I got one of those bagel sandwiches Jules likes so much and a sausage biscuit for you.”

“Thanks Spike, we appreciate it. What about yourself? You look like you could use the caffeine as much as we do.” Sam asked as he pulled out the B.E.L.T sandwich Spike had bought for Jules. He was about to unwrap it for her but stopped himself when she glared at him. Instead he set the still wrapped sandwich on the tray next to the bed and opened his own sandwich instead. 

“I polished off mine before I got out of the parking lot. I’m good.” Spike didn’t look good; in fact he looked like he’d gotten even less sleep than they had which wasn’t much at all. “Nat sends her love to both of you. She would have come as well but she’s straightening up the apartment. We both figured you might want to stay there for a couple of days instead of going back to Jules’s house.”

“That sounds great. I was going to call Natalie later and talk to her about it.” 

“No, I’m going home. My home. I’m not going to hide away.” 

Both answers came simultaneously. The young couple stared at each other for a couple of minutes. Spike took a step back, not sure if he should be witnessing this. Sam closed his eyes and it looked like he was slowly counting to ten before opening them again. “Jules, nobody said anything about you hiding away. I think we all just thought you might not feel comfortable going back right away. Who could blame you? It’s not like we haven’t stayed at my place before…”

Jules set the insulated cup down hard enough that some of the coffee inside sloshed out of the top. “I said I’m going home. Why are you giving me such crap about every little thing? Don’t you see? That’s how he gets his power -- by making me too afraid to live my life, making me afraid to be in my own home where I‘m supposed to be the safest. Well, I’m not going to let him win. If he thinks he can scare me into changing my routine, then I’ll show him. Okay?”

Sam held up his hands in mock surrender. “Fine, if that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.”

“It’s what I need.” Jules softened her tone ever so slightly. “I need for things to go back to normal. I just want to be able to put this all behind me and let things get back to normal. I can’t do that if I’m stuck in this hospital room or if I’m missing work because of medical leave or if I’m running away from home like it’s a dangerous place to be.”

Sam nodded. “Copy that. If you’d like, I can go talk to the nurses at the desk and see if I can‘t get an ETA on when you‘ll be released.”

Jules forced a smile. “Thanks. I’d like that.” 

He kissed her forehead and then nodded toward the sandwich on the tray. “But at the risk of being accused of giving you more crap, you should eat that sandwich Spike brought you. I doubt you’ve eaten anything at all since lunch yesterday and you’ll need your strength to get through the interview with SCU. Spike, you okay here for a moment or two?”

Spike nodded; the Sarge had given him permission to be late and he certainly wouldn’t fuss if he explained he was needed here. Sam planted another quick kiss on Jules’s head before leaving the room. Jules sighed and toyed with the wrapped sandwich. She knew Sam was right although she could have gone all day without the reminder that she still had to give her statement about what happened. She needed to eat and the tasty offering from Timmys was a much better alternative to anything that might be served from the cafeteria. She was hesitant to eat anything however as she was pretty sure her interview with SCU was going to be stressful; reliving everything that had happened was sure to send her racing for the bathroom before it was over. She didn’t want to put anything in her stomach that might later come back to haunt her. At the same time though, she knew a refusal to eat at all would just bring about more expressions of concern from Sam. 

She sighed and opened the wrapper and broke off a small bite and chewed it woodenly. Spike pulled a chair close to the bed. She brushed away a stray tear. Spike caught sight of the movement and frowned. “You okay? I can’t even imagine the hell you’re going through with all this.” 

Jules nodded and glanced almost longingly at the door, ready for Sam to come back even if she did want him to find the doctor. “Sam deserves some sort of medal and I deserve a kick in the ass. All he’s done is try to be supportive and caring and as much as I appreciate and love him for it, I just keep giving him shit. I know I shouldn’t before I ever say a word but I just can’t stop myself.”

“Sam can take it; he knows you don’t mean it.” Spike assured her wearily. After Greg had sent him home, he still hadn’t been able to sleep. Instead, he’d laid there next to Natalie wracking him brain for some inspiration that was going to fix everything. Try as he might, he was still no closer to figuring out how to prove Dawson had approached her in the hospital parking lot less the twenty four hours before she was attacked. 

“I still don’t have to give him such a hard time. It’s not like I’m mad at him; how could I be when he’s been so attentive to my needs? I don’t even want to think about how I would have gotten through the night without him. How much crap can I put on him before it’s too much? I’m going to mouth off one time too many and he’s going to walk out that door and not come back. It’s going to kill me but I wouldn’t blame him. Wouldn‘t be able to blame anyone but myself.”

“That’s not going to happen and you know it.” Spike assured her. “Jules, give yourself a break. You’re hurt, scared, frustrated, all those emotions you hate to even have let alone show to anyone. Sam loves you and he’s not going to relax until he knows your okay. If that means he takes your crap then he’ll do that willingly. He’s been doing it sense he first fell head over heels for you.“ 

She looked at him, ready to protest his last statement but couldn’t because Spike was telling the truth. She frowned. “Great, so you’re saying I’m always a bitch.“ 

Spike chuckled but shook his head. “None of us would call you a bitch, either to your face or behind your back. But let’s face it, you’ve never found it easy to pull your punches either verbally or physically. You call things like you see them whether we want to hear them or not. You’re honest to a fault and we love you for it. You also scare the shit out of us at times as well. Why do you think we all draw straws to see who has to face you when we spar, even when it‘s form over strength? You might start off holding back but as soon as the adrenaline starts pumping you tend to forget it’s all just training. I can’t tell you how many times you’ve almost brought me to tears with one of those knees jabbing into my back in a killer kidney shot. We don’t complain because we know you don’t mean it. Look Jules, we all care about you. We’re here for you all the way. If you need to get a little snippy or punch something or just need someone to listen, we’ll do whatever you need to be okay.”

Jules forced down another bite of the sandwich. She’d seen the pain in Sam’s blue eyes several times since he pulled her out of the closet. She knew he was scared for her and as much as she hated the way she was feeling, she hated what it and what she was doing to him as well. Another sideways glance at Spike showed that he wasn’t much better. She wouldn’t be surprised if the whole team hadn’t spent their precious off time investigating the case whether they were officially allowed to or not. She chewed on her bottom lip and looked over at Spike.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Spike nodded. “As long as it’s not one of those it’s a trap no matter how you answer it questions you girls like to ask us guys. You know the ones like ‘does this hospital gown make my butt look fat?’ kind of questions.”

Jules chuckled and Spike was glad to see her looking more relaxed. “No, nothing like that although you might wish it were. Spike, I don’t know if Sam is just trying to keep from upsetting me or if he’s spent so much time here taking care of me that he really doesn’t know, but he won’t tell me anything about the investigation. I can’t prove it but I know it was my uncle who attacked me. Is he going to get away with what he did?”

She’d been right; he’d much rather tackle the problem of whether the gown made her look fat. “I won’t lie to you Jules. He’s claiming to be innocent of everything and has an alibi for the time you were hurt. He even claims you lied about him coming up to you in the hospital parking lot. Ed thought that if we could catch him in one lie it would be easier to expose the rest of them.”

“Awesome.” Jules wasn’t really surprised to hear he was claiming his innocence. Now she understood why Spike looked so tired and guilty. “Let me guess, I picked the one spot in the entire parking lot that the cameras didn’t pick up. I guess that’s what I get for listening to Dad when he told me to always park near a light.”

“Jules, I’m not going to let you down. Somehow I’m going to figure out a way to prove he was there. Then I’m going to poke so many holes in his alibi that it’ll look like Swiss cheese.”

Jules reached out and ruffled Spike’s hair. “Spike, if anyone can do it, I trust you can. But if you can’t, that’s okay too. We’ll figure something else out. You won’t let me down. I know you sometimes feel like we expect you to be some sort of magician when it comes to pulling off the impossible with computers. But because I know you, I know you put just as much if not more pressure on yourself. Don’t run yourself ragged putting all that pressure on yourself. I want Johnny to pay for what he did but not at the expense of my friends. I’ll be okay regardless of whether he goes to jail or not. Sam, you, the rest of the team, my family, you’ll all see that I am.”

Greg had told him the night before that he wouldn’t let Jules down if he didn’t figure it out, but it felt completely different and real coming from Jules herself. He felt a little of the burden he’d been feeling since Ed had tasked him with proving the lie lifting. He reached up and took her hand that was ruffling his hair and gave it a gentle squeeze. His eyes met hers and held them steadily. “I promise you Jules, no matter what it takes, he’s going to pay for what he did to you.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Sam pulled into the driveway and hesitated before turning off the jeep. He looked over at the passenger seat, the barest hint of a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Jules was curled up in the slightly reclined seat, her face slack and almost peaceful. It had been more than obvious as he led her out of the station earlier that she was completely wiped out so it hadn’t surprised him that she’d drifted off to sleep before he’d even pulled out of the parking lot. 

In his time with SRU, he’d lost count of the number of people he’d encountered at the worst moments of their life. His involvement always ended once the situation had been resolved, whether it be peacefully or not. He’d never given much thought to what happened to the victims in the day or days that followed but a part of him had always assumed that things had to be much better. Now he knew that the day after was almost as bad as the day of. 

He’d returned to Jules’s room with the doctor in tow. She’d been glad to see them both, thinking that it was going to mean she could leave the hospital. Neither one of them had counted on the fact that the doctor, a hospital internist rather than Dr. Victors himself, would want to examine Jules before releasing her. She’d handled the neuromuscular checks easily enough, following the doctor’s commands almost eagerly to show that yes, she had regained full control of her gross motor functions. She’d been a little less eager when it came to checking the fine motor skills, seeming more reluctant to grasp the man’s gloved hands. Sam had chalked it up to the fact that her fingers still weren’t quite so willing to obey all the commands and that she was worried it would hamper her release. But the doctor had seemed pleased with her progress and hadn’t seen any reason to make her stay. Jules had practically leaped off the bed and was halfway to the door without her shoes on when the doctor had stopped her. He wanted to check her injuries before he actually signed the paper work. It had killed Sam to stand at the head of the bed holding her shaking hand as the doctor had gently probed her bites and cuts. It had taken every ounce of self control he possessed not to shove the man out of the room completely the first time Jules jumped at his touch and whimpered as if he was hurting her terribly. But the doctor kept his exam as unobtrusive and quick as he could under the circumstances and soon had signed her discharge papers reminding her to follow up in a couple of weeks with her regular doctor. 

The day hadn’t ended there however. Knowing they couldn’t put off her giving her statement to SCU, he’d driven her to the station. She’d reluctantly admitted that she’d rather give her statement there because she wanted it over with before returning home. Jules had stopped in the lobby, looking almost afraid of crossing to the elevators. Sam’s first thought was that she was afraid of accidentally running into Dawson but she’d just shaken her head. Told him that she didn’t want to keep things bottled up and hidden like she had before. That she needed him to know every painful memory so he could help her recover. Then she admitted she wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to verbalize all the pain and fear over and over again. As a single tear ran a track down her face, Sam had reached out to caress her cheek and said he’d be there to help her whether he knew the full story or not. Promised her that while he wanted to know everything so he could support her but that he’d be content with whatever she felt comfortable giving him. Then she asked if he would stay with her while she gave her statement; that way she’d only have to tell the story one time and be done with it. He’d promised her that wild horses wouldn’t drag him away. 

Unfortunately wild horses weren’t in control of the interview. The two SCU officers who’d shown up at the hospital the night before had greeted them and led them to the witness lounge. Sam had scoffed at the title and the room itself. It was plain and simple an interrogation room that someone had painted soothing colors and decorated with framed peaceful landscape pictures and comfortable leather couches and chairs instead of dark tables and heavy chairs with loops for handcuffs. Paint it, furnish it with fancy furniture, and give it a friendly name, none of those things changed the fact that this was where a victim had to relieve their worst nightmare to be recorded for the world to know. Nothing could make that easier. The female officer started to lead Jules into the interior room but the male officer had blocked Sam’s path. He couldn’t be in the room with Jules while she gave her statement. Jules had protested, saying she wasn’t going to give them anything without Sam. They hadn’t relented completely but had allowed Sam to remain in the outer room where he could hear her statement through the two-way mirror. 

In a way he was glad to have the barrier between them. She’d told the whole story with a calm unemotional detachment she usually reserved for those really tough debriefings when she didn’t want the rest of the team to know just how much a particular call had gotten to her. It was a detachment that had fooled Sam until the first time it happened after they were together as a couple and he’d seen her fall apart after they’d arrived home. She told the whole story, from the moment she’d first felt the effects of the drugs to being carried out of her house on the stretcher, as if it had happened to some random stranger she’d never met instead of being the one personally effected. 

While she hadn’t shed a tear, twitched a muscle, or in any way given any indication to what she was feeling, every single word had cut him to the core. He was glad she hadn’t been able to see the pain he’d felt as she chronicled every vile injustice she suffered. While he’d been relieved and grateful to know in some small way he’d protected her from the very worst of the offenses her assailant had planned for her, he wished he could go back and change things so she hadn’t had to suffer so much as an unwanted kiss. 

He was sure he’d spend hours if not days going back through the details in his mind, reliving them almost as much as she must be every single second but he was glad to have the information. Now he understood so many things that had puzzled him. Just what about the touch of the medical personnel had unnerved her -- if he had his way, he’d make sure latex never touched her beautiful skin again. Now he understood her aversion to the wash cloth. Before her next shower, he’d figure out another alternative -- Nat was into all those weird feminine bath accessories, he bet she could recommend something without him having to explain why. 

“Sam, have long have we been sitting in the driveway?”

Jules’s sleepy voice brought him back to the moment. She blinked back the sleep and stretched a little in her seat. He shook his head. “Not long. I didn’t really want to wake you. You looked like you were sleeping much better than you did last night.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to flake out like that. You’re probably tired as well; I know I didn’t let you get much sleep last night either.” Still she made no move to leave the vehicle. Instead she stared at the front door and Sam didn’t miss the flicker of apprehension that crossed her eyes. 

“We don’t have to go in. I know you don’t want to change your life because of what happened but it’s okay to not be okay with going back to the place you got hurt, at least not right away. No one will fault you for needing a day or two.” He knew he’d have better luck trying to convince a brick wall but he had to try, had to remind her no one would think she was weak if she needed the time.

Jules shook her head. “I would. Sam, after my mom died, after Johnny hurt me, it took me a long time to go back in my house without having a panic attack. Even with all the renovations and changes Dad made, it never felt like a home to me again. I left as soon as I could running from the memories. Just about every place I applied to was an attempt to get me as far away from that house as possible, and once I was gone, I never went back. I’m not going to let that happen this time. I’m afraid if I give in to my fear even for a night or two, this will be the same way. This is my home. The place I’ve put time and money into; the place where we made love; I don’t want to lose all the good just because of one bad event. I’m not stupid; I know it’s not going to be easy but I’ve got to do it. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone expect maybe myself.”

Sam nodded. “Okay, just remember, you aren’t alone. I’m right here with you every step of the way. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. If you need me to hold you, I’ll glue myself to you. If you need me to give you space then I’ll do that as well. If you need to talk, I’m all ears. If you need to not talk, and I promise this time to do a better job on that one.”

This time it was Jules who reached out to rub her hand against Sam’s cheek, enjoying the feel of the stubble since he hadn’t been able to shave since the morning before. Once again she felt guilty for the horrible way she’d treated him that morning. “You’ve been so sweet and caring and I’ve been a…”

He put a finger over her lips to silence her. “Don’t finish that statement. I won’t lie and say you’ve been a regular little Mary Sunshine today but who can blame you? Like I said, whatever you need from me, I’m here. That includes letting you lash out from time to time. Yeah, it may hurt and frustrate me but I can take it.”

Jules nodded. “I know but you shouldn’t have to. Just because I’m going through a rough time doesn’t give me the right to hurt you. You didn’t sign up to be my punching bag. What if I lash out the wrong way and you decide to just walk away and not put up with it anymore?”

Rubbing his thumb against her cheek, Sam shook his head. “I’m not going to walk away. Just seeing you in pain hurts me, always has always will. If you lashing out at me helps you cope with all of this better, gives you some sort of control where you feel you have none then I’m not going to complain.”

Jules still didn‘t look completely convinced. “Promise me something?” He nodded, anything to erase the worry from her eyes. “If it’s ever too much for any reason, will you promise you’ll tell me?”

Sam nodded, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “You want me to walrus you? Or do I get to pick my own code word?” Pleased to see the eye roll that said she was feeling more relaxed, he continued. “Seriously though, you start hitting below the belt and I’ll say something before it affects us. Okay? So do you want to go in or would you like to go somewhere else? It’s been a while since that breakfast bagel thingie Spike brought you for breakfast. We can go get an early dinner before we go in.”

Jules frowned. “Don‘t you mean late lunch? After all, it‘s only…” She glanced at her watch to get the accurate time and frowned. “Four thirty? Sam, how long did it take you to drive from the station to here? The clock in the witness room said two o’clock when we walking out. How did I lose over two hours?”

Sam shrugged. “You were really sleeping well so I just drove around the city for awhile.” He didn’t add that he’d been trying to give time for his other plan for her to be completed. Once he’d heard that the majority of the attack had taken place on the couch, he’d known he didn’t want it being the first thing she saw when she walked through the door. “So?”

Jules unfastened her seatbelt. Though she’d managed to distance herself enough from the situation while giving her statement to avoid throwing up again, the idea of eating didn’t appeal to her. She knew Sam would fuss at her if she didn’t eat something but she’d cross that bridge later. As she slipped out of the jeep, Sam realized he had his answer and climbed out as well. He waited until she came around the front of the vehicle to slip his arm around her waist so they could walk together up the walk. He could feel her shaking but didn’t say anything, recognizing that she felt strongly about doing this despite the fear. 

“The door is locked isn’t it?” Jules questioned suddenly as Sam opened the screen. Flashes of her dreams from the night before coming back to her even though she was walking to the door instead of being carried.

“Yeah, of course it is.” Sam answered without hesitation and then said a silent prayer that his secret workers had followed directions. He unlocked the door and followed Jules over the threshold. She stopped just inside the doorway looking around in amazement. 

Nothing looked as she remembered it. The furniture she recognized had been moved into different positions and the couch that she didn’t recognize was completely new. She shook her head and looked at Sam, her eyes questioning. He pulled her against him comfortingly. “I sort of get why you needed to come back here and I respect that. But I wanted to make it as easy on you as possible. It’s not a new couch; it’s the one from my apartment. I swapped them out so if you decide you want the original back, we can totally do that.” 

“But how? You’ve been with me the whole time.”

He led her the rest of the way into the house and sat down on the replaced couch pulling Jules into his lap. She didn’t look upset so he took that as a good sign. “Your brothers and my sister. I made a couple of calls while you were giving your statement. Natalie came by and got your key from me and then met Peter and James to do the moving. Fortunately James has a truck with a bed big enough to carry stuff.”

Sam lifted her chin so he could look at her. “You okay with this? I know I should have asked before I had them do all this…”

This time it was she who put her finger to his lips. “It’s awesome. Really. To be honest, as much as I insisted I wanted to come back here, I wasn’t really sure I could do it. I love this place. Like I told you, I have too many great memories, especially memories that include you, and I want to make more memories. You gave me my house back; how could I not be okay with that. I am a little surprised that my brothers didn’t stay until we got here to check on me; especially James.”

“They wanted to.” Sam admitted. “I suggested that you might need a little time to adjust to being back without an audience. They agreed to wait until tomorrow to come by. Said they were pretty sure you still didn’t want your dad to know so they were going to go by the hospital so he wouldn’t get suspicious.”

She nodded but didn’t reply. Sam could tell something was bothering her. He wanted to ask but didn’t want to pressure her. Instead he contented himself with simply stroking her arm and holding her close. When Patches emerged from wherever he’d been hiding and jumped up on the couch with them, Jules had broken down in tears again and cuddled the kitten close. Sam knew what was going on in her mind. The last cat she’d dared to love had been killed by the man who had attacked her. Even though he’d assured her the cat was okay, she hadn’t really been able to believe until she saw Patches with her own eyes. 

After awhile, the kitten lost interest and ambled off in the direction of the kitchen probably in search of either his food bowl or his litter box. Sam offered to either prepare something for them to eat or to call for delivery. He didn’t want to leave her alone on her first night even long enough to run pick something up. She didn’t really want anything but in order not to worry Sam, agreed to trying a bowl of soup. She followed Sam into the kitchen as he heated up a couple of cans of clam chowder, not really wanting to be alone in the other room long enough for him to do so. She managed to eat half a bowlful before pushing it away. Sam had hoped for more but didn’t push her. 

He led her back to the couch where they sat and mindlessly watched whatever happened to be on the channel the TV had been on the last time they had watched it. Neither paid too much attention; both lost in their own thoughts. About thirty minutes into a show neither could name, Jules flipped the TV off and twisted on the couch to look up at Sam. 

“Sam, were you ever scared there were monsters under your bed?”

The question seemed pretty random but Sam gave it serious consideration. “No. My bed went all the way to the ground so there was no way they could fit under it. Besides I grew up on a military base.”

She raised an eyebrow and shook her head. “And what did that have to do with anything?”

Sam chuckled. “Nobody and nothing gets on base without either having proper credentials or going through proper channels. No way monsters were getting past the gate let alone in my house. What about you?”

“Are you kidding me? I had four older brothers. They had me convinced there were monsters under my bed, in my closet, in the attic, and living in Ridge’s left ear. Slept with a night light until I was eight years old. Don’t laugh, my brothers are very convincing.”

It was hard for Sam to imagine Jules ever being afraid of monsters. But he had a feeling this wasn’t really where she was going with the conversation. He waited for her to explain. She took a deep breath. 

“Of course, I finally outgrew the fear. But then one night when I was 12 I heard this scratching sound coming from under my bed. Immediately I flashed back to those childhood fears and even though I knew there was no such things as monsters I was convinced one was under my bed. I was too scared to stay in bed but too scared to run from the room either. Finally I jumped as far as I could toward the door and ran to my parents’ room. I told my dad there was a monster under my bed. I expected him to laugh at me or tell me I was too old to believe in such things. Instead, he promised to check it out. He made me stay with Mom and he went to my room.”

“What was it?”

“Raccoon. Dad figured it had gotten in through the attic somehow and had made it’s way down to my room. I always figured one of my brothers caught him somewhere and hid him there trying to scare me. Never did find out which it was. But that wasn’t the important part. What stuck with me all these years is that in that moment Dad understood that I needed reassurance even though he knew I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation.”

“And now you need me to reassure you of something. Name it and I’ll do it If you need me to look under the beds and in every closet and triple check the doors for awhile to feel comfortable, I can do that. Given that you encountered a very real monster in a human form here I don’t think it would be an unreasonable fear.”

Jules shook her head. “No, it’s not that, but now that you mention it, maybe we could do a check before we go to bed tonight. Just to be sure. After all, we still don’t know how he got in here. I’d also feel more comfortable if we kept the 40 caliber in the nightstand rather than the lock box. I promise I won’t shoot without knowing what I’m shooting at.”

“Consider it done. Okay so if that’s not what you need reassuring about, what else is there?”

Jules struggled with getting her thoughts together. Finally she blushed and answered. “I know you love me and I know you aren’t going to stop loving me because I’ve been tainted or something like that. I do trust that but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I cheated on you and ruined what we have.”

If she hadn’t started off by telling him the story about the monsters, Sam probably would have immediately scoffed at her fears and told her it couldn’t happen and that she was being silly. But because of her explanation he considered his answer more carefully. “Jules, you didn’t cheat on me. You didn’t ask for any of this to happen. It’s not your fault and if you need me to tell you that every day for the next ten years I will. Nothing is ruined. Yeah, we’re going to have to work through some things. You can’t expect otherwise. It’s going to be awhile before I carry you upstairs and make love to you like nothing happened. Not because I don’t want to but because I refuse to rush you or hurt you. But we will get back there eventually taking things as slow as you need us to until you feel absolutely comfortable. I‘m not going to get mad or frustrated no matter how long it takes. In the meantime, I will give you whatever level of intimacy you do want and feel comfortable with. ”

He hoped it was what she wanted and needed to hear. She blinked back a couple of tears. “The idea of you making love to me shouldn’t be scary. He didn’t get a chance to go that far but right now the thought of it, even knowing you’d be gentle and loving scares the hell out of me. I feel like more of a freak than ever.”

He leaned down, his lips capturing hers in a kiss full of promise and love. Once he felt her relax in his arms ever so slightly he pulled back, his eyes dark and serious. “Jules, you aren’t a freak. I don’t care how gentle or loving I tried to be, with your injuries right now I would hurt you and that’s not something I’ll ever be comfortable with. I’m not even going to try to make love to you until the doctor gives you the all clear, not even if you say it‘s what you want. That’ll be at least two or three weeks. And even then you get to control the pace. Besides we can’t exactly do too much while you are on antibiotics, can we?”

The doctor had insisted that prescribing a course of antibiotics was normal under the circumstances to prevent her injuries from becoming infected. The little orange label on the prescription bottle he’d gotten filled for her on their way to the station contained the same warning Jules had pointed out to him after the doctor had prescribed antibiotics following her anthrax exposure. **Some medications can decrease the effectiveness of birth control pills.** The last time hadn’t been a big issue, they’d simple used condoms as a back up until she’d been off the antibiotics long enough for them not to affect her normal contraceptive methods. After listening to her tell about how her attacker had been so close to fully raping her that she could feel his condom against her entrance, Sam didn’t think he’d ever feel comfortable using one with her again. 

Jules nodded, a lot of the worry leaving her eyes. How was it that he was able to hit right at the heart of her fears so completely when she herself hadn’t really realized exactly what was scaring her? Her heart swelled with love for the man holding her close. She wiped at her eyes and smiled at him. “But we can still kiss right?”

“Yeah, we can kiss all you want.”


	36. Chapter 36

“Spike, what have you got for me, Buddy?”

Ed Lane once more gathered behind Spike as the younger man sat at the computers. He didn’t really want to pressure the younger man but knew the longer they went without any solid leads in Jules’s case, the more likely it was that the person responsible would get away with it. 

Spike shook his head. He hadn’t been able to do much investigating during their shift; several minor calls had kept the team out in the field most of the day. As soon as he had been able, he’d returned to his computers trusting they wouldn’t let him down. His talk with Jules that morning had helped. She was the one he was doing this for and knowing she realized there was limitations to what he could do helped alleviate some of the pressure he’d felt he was under to catch Dawson but it hadn’t erased any of his desire to do so, if anything it had only fueled it. “The hospital footage is a complete bust for now. If there is a way to prove Dawson approached Jules at the hospital the night before the attack, I can’t find it. But since that wouldn’t prove his guilt anyway, I’ve put that aside and am concentrating on his alibi itself.”

Ed nodded approvingly. “Okay, that’s good. That’s real good. And?”

“And still nothing. This particular anger management class is by invitation only and when I say invitation I mean court order. It’s a new program and apparently the court system thinks it’s going to work wonders on rehabilitating violent offenders. And even given everything I’ve seen in this job I didn’t realize the greater Toronto area had this many citizens in need of rehabilitation. 187 required to attend.”

Again Ed nodded. “What kind of registration system did they have to ensure everyone showed up?”

Spike frowned. “Identification cards were issued that had to be scanned upon arrival. I’ve pulled up the records and Dawson scanned his card at 2:47. And before you ask, a volunteer verified that the card matched the person attending. It was indeed Dawson who signed in.”

“Okay, so he arrives, verifies his attendance and sneaks out a side door. That many people it wouldn’t be hard to imagine that one person wouldn‘t be missed.”

“Apparently the behavioral group contracted to conduct the seminars thought of that. 187 attendees in need of anger management sitting in one room for four hours would be like holding an AA meeting at a wine tasting festival -- an exercise in futility. So there were four fifty minute breakout sessions that the attendees rotated through. Key cards were scanned at the beginning of each session. Each instructor did a head count to verify that the number scanned in to the session was the number who attended. Records indicate that Dawson swiped his card for all four sessions and the head counts matched.”

Ed frowned. “Was a visual match done at each session to verify that it really was him? Maybe he gave his card to someone else to stand in for him while he slipped out.”

“No visual confirmation on the key cards after the initial check. Apparently it was a closed meeting and only participants and personnel from the behavioral specialist groups were allowed access. Could he have tricked the system? Yeah, maybe, we both know anything is possible. However proving it to the point that we could convince a prosecutor to consider him a viable suspect is a totally different thing. Sorry Ed.”

“Yeah, me too. Me too. Damn I want this guy. Okay what if we go old school on this? Four sessions 187 people, that’s what less than fifty in a room at a time? Can you get me a list of the instructors and participants? Maybe someone remembers him suddenly disappearing or something.”

“Yes on instructors, no on participants. Sealed records. I had to call in several kinds of favors just to get them to release the information on Dawson’s file.”

Ed could feel his frustration growing with each apparent dead end. “What about the video from the patrol car doing the sweeps of Jules’s neighborhood?”

Spike bit back a retort that would remind Ed that he was just one person and could only do so much at a time. It wouldn’t do any good. He couldn’t blame Ed for wanting information. They all wanted to bring down the man who had attacked their friend. Not just because they wanted justice but because they also recognized that as long as he was free, Jules might still be in danger. “I’ve compiled the files and I’m running them through a facial recognition program. Comparing every person picked up against Dawson and any known sex offenders. It could take awhile though.”

“I can’t believe Jules went back to her house. I figured they would stay at Sam’s place until we caught this guy or at least for a few days. Took guts to go back to the scene of the crime like that.” Raf commented as he joined them. Their shift had ended an hour earlier but none of them wanted to leave if there was anything at all possible they could do to help their friend and teammate. 

“Yeah, well Jules is about as gutsy as they come.” Ed commented, a note of pride easily recognizable in his voice. 

“Not to mention stubborn. If she thinks there’s something someone thinks she can’t do, nothing’s going to stop her from doing it. Ed, you remember that time after shift that Rolie dared Jules to climb the twenty five foot rock wall on the training field without safety gear?” Ed nodded with a wince. For Raf’s benefit, Spike explained. “Rolie was sore because Jules not only broke his record for fastest climb, she obliterated it. So the rest of the day, Rolie was putting her down making all sort of excuses as to why she’d been able to do it that didn’t include the fact that she kicks ass at climbing. Keep in mind this was maybe a month after Jules started with us if that long so she was still trying to prove herself and sad to say we weren‘t making things all that easy on her. I was there and to this day I don’t really get how the challenge came about but Jules was saying she could beat Rolie with even if he had a head start and she did the climb without safety gear.”

Ed’s jaw rocked at the mention of the subject indicating it was obviously a sore subject. “I thought we all agreed this was the incident that should not be named.”

Spike ignored the protest. “We tried to talk them out of it, really we did -- I mean, razing her was one thing but we knew how dangerous climbing without a safety line could be, but Jules took our protest to mean we didn’t think she could do it. Rolie got a ten second head start and then Jules took up off that wall like she was Spiderman’s little sister. She reached the top ahead of him but we knew she couldn’t really beat him. She had to find foot and hand holds back down while he could just rappel down when he reached the top. Not a fair contest at all. He was taunting her and suddenly she just pushed off from the wall and dropped to the ground, no safety line no nothing. Free fall from twenty feet. Wordy and I couldn’t believe it, we just knew she was going to break her neck and we were going to have to explain to the Boss and Ed that we killed Jules.”

“Was she hurt?” Raf asked. He knew that she obviously hadn’t broken her neck the way they had feared but couldn’t see her come away unscathed.

“Bruised her shoulder and rolled her ankle. Of course we didn’t know it at first because she got right up and acted like nothing was wrong. There she was looking all smug and satisfied as Rolie reached the ground. Then Ed came running up, screaming. I don’t know who he was maddest at, Wordy and I for not putting a stop to it, Rolie for goading her into it, or Jules for doing something so dangerous. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ed so mad and believe me I’ve seen him mad plenty of times. He marched all of us up to the briefing room and Jules bless her heart walked every step without a limp. The boss and Ed read us all the riot act and promised we were going to train so hard the next shift we wouldn’t even be able to think about doing stupid stunts. It wasn‘t until we saw her limping out to her car after work that we realized she even been hurt.” Spike was smiling at the memory, time having taken away the fear that had initially gripped him. 

Raf shook his head, not really surprised to hear that Jules would go all out to win a challenge even if it meant endangering herself. “Ed, I’ve always wondered why you had to start every training at the wall with a reminder that no one was allowed to climb without safety gear and you always seemed to be looking right at Jules when you do. So we all know Jules is gutsy and stubborn. Normally I think it’s great. She’ll need both those qualities to recover. Still, is it safe for her to be there? What if the guy comes back to finish what he started?” 

“We’ve got to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Greg joined them. “I just got through talking with the SCU officers on Jules’s case. They don’t believe this was an attack perpetrated by some unknown assailant. Everything was too well organized to be a random attack. They believe Jules was attacked by someone who knew her. Knew her schedule, knew how to gain entry to her house without leaving sign of forced entry, knew that despite her small size she would have to be incapacitated, knew she’d be alone. Someone had to have been watching her for a while, planning this attack well in advance to carrying it out. Who knows how far the attack would have gone if Sam hadn’t come home when he did.”

“You think Jules is still in danger?” Ed asked grimly even though he was pretty sure of the answer.

Greg nodded. “I think until we have the person who hurt Jules in custody, we have to assume she’s still at risk. Now, we all know Johnny Dawson is more than likely guilty. We have to prove it before he makes a second attempt.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
 _Were you ever scared there were monsters under your bed?_

Sam frowned as he stared out the bedroom window out over the dark lawn into the empty street lit by a single street lamp. He’d told Jules the truth when he told her he’d never been afraid of such childhood terrors. Braddock children weren’t allowed such failings. No, monsters under the bed had never concerned Sam but he’d learned at the young age of nine with the death of his sister that there were monsters of a different kind, real monsters much scarier than anything the imagination could dream of. 

Jules whimpered in the bed behind him. Sam turned his head to watch her, ready to go to her if she showed signs that the nightmares were too painful. After tossing and turning in the king sized bed a few times, her body stilled and her breathing evened out once again. He continued to watch her for a couple more minutes before returning his gaze out the window. 

Jules had claimed earlier that because of her brothers she’d slept with a night light until she was eight. Because of his sister, Sam had begun to sleep with one at age nine and hadn‘t stopped until he reached his teenage years. For months after his sister’s death, nightmares of seeing the accident that took her life had haunted him and introduced him to the monster who had taken delight in tormenting his life every since. 

Guilt was gnawing at him like a dog with a bone. It was a familiar feeling for him, certainly not a logical one but powerful. Guilt that his sister had died when he was supposed to be watching her. Guilt that he hadn’t been man enough, the man the General had expected him to be, to protect his sister from stepping out into the path of the speeding car. Guilt that he hadn’t foreseen that his friend was going to step into the path of a speeding bullet, a bullet that Sam himself had fired. Guilt that he hadn’t been the son the General had expected and wanted him to be. Guilt that despite that guilt he didn’t really care that he hadn’t been. Guilt that he hadn’t prevented a sniper’s bullet from nearly taking the woman sleeping behind him from him. Guilt that he hadn’t been there the day before to prevent Jules from coming face to face with the demons of her past that she was trying so desperately to free herself from. Guilt that he couldn’t figure out how her attacker had managed to get in the house in the first place. Guilt that he was either going to risk smothering her with an over protectiveness she would resent in an attempt to keep her safe or risk the possibility of losing her to a second attack. 

Small arms snaked around his waist. He stiffened at first but then realized that he hadn’t heard Jules slip out of bed and join him at the window. He turned so that he was facing her and ran his hands along her spine before locking them together at the small of her back. 

“I thought insomnia was more my thing.” Jules teased softly. “You okay? I called your name a couple of times and it was like you didn’t even hear me.”

Probably because he hadn’t. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers in a quick warm reassuring kiss. “I’m fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You didn’t. So what’s so fascinating outside that it had your attention so completely?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Guess I’m feeling a little paranoid as well.” 

Before they had turned out the lights downstairs and made their way to the bedroom, Jules had insisted on checking, rechecking, and triple checking that both doors and every window was firmly shut and locked. A check of every downstairs crevice had then followed, any spot large enough that someone could have hidden in and some that weren’t was checked for hidden danger. Sam hadn’t tried to talk her out of it, hadn’t tried to assure her that the house was safe. Instead he’d followed her every movement, reassured by the fact that even if her checks bordered on paranoid, she felt comfortable doing the looking herself. Once they had made their way upstairs, the pattern had been repeated with every window and crawl space on the second floor. She’d been ready to pull down the heavy attic ladder and check that space as well when Sam did stop her. He recommended that she relax in a hot soaking bubble bath and let him check out the attic. By the time she’d emerged from the bathroom wearing sweatpants and one of Sam’s t-shirts, Sam had returned from checking the rest of the house. 

Jules chewed on her lip. “You think he’s going to come back?”

Sam pulled her closer to his body. Mentally he added to his earlier list. Guilt that he’d unintentionally scared her in his quest to not talk about where his thoughts had taken him. “No, Jules, I don’t think he’s coming back. Actually I was thinking more about tomorrow. Are you sure you don’t want me to take another day off? Sarge said it wasn’t a problem.”

“I’m sure. I don’t want you wasting all your vacation days on me. I’d rather you save them up so that you or we can use them for something more fun. Besides, the team’s shorthanded as it is, they need you. It’s bad enough that I’m sidelined.”

There was just a hint of bitterness in her voice and Sam knew the cause. “You still upset that you have to take those skills tests before coming back?”

She shrugged noncommittally but he knew it was bothering her. He also knew it hadn’t been easy for Sarge to remind her at the station earlier that since she’d been admitted to the hospital over night and especially with the fact that her motor skills had been affected, she’d have to check off on the obstacle course and at the shooting range in order to be cleared to return to duty. It didn’t matter if she understood the reason behind it-- her job depended on her fine motor skills being in peak condition-- she couldn’t help but associate it with the memory of how hard she had to work in order to reclaim her spot on team 1 after the shooting. 

“I know it’ll be fine. I think the effects of the drug are finally completely gone but I just hate that it’s necessary. I don’t want you to worry about me while you are at work tomorrow. I’m not going to stay here alone. You’ll drop me off at the hospital in the morning and I’ll spend the morning with my dad; he’s going to get suspicious if I stay away much longer. James is going to swing by on his lunch break and pick me up and bring me to headquarters. Ed’s going to run me through the check offs and I’ll just hang out there until you get off.”

Sam sighed, his guilt building. He hadn’t outright asked her not to stay alone though he’d really wanted to. Still she’d picked up on his reluctance to let her stay at the house all day. “I don’t want to smother you. I know you can take care of yourself…”

“Sam, I don’t want you worrying about me when you should be concentrating on work. To be honest with you as much as I wanted to come home instead of stay somewhere else, I don’t think I’m ready to stay here alone. If making sure I’m around others for a few days until the guys are able to arrest Johnny makes you feel better then I can live with that. I promised you the other day that I wasn’t going to take unnecessary risks. I’m not going back on my word now.”

 

He leaned down and kissed her again. As their lips locked together, he gently led her back to the bed and they laid down together. He pulled her close as he continued to kiss her. Finally he pulled back looking deep into her dark eyes. “I wish I could make this all go away even for a few seconds.”

Jules reached up and brushed her hand against his face. “You do. When you hold me in your arms like this, when you kiss me, when you look at me with such love you do make it all go away at least for a few moments. I love you so much.”

He kissed her again.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“So beautiful.”

He murmured to himself as he stared at the newspaper clipping announcing the Lawperson of the Year recipient. The picture didn’t do justice to the real thing, he decided as he traced the black and white image with his fingertips. No two dimensional photograph could ever compare to the seeing her in person, feeling her warm sensuous body beneath him as his mouth devoured first one breast and then other and his fingers worked their frenzy in her small tight womanly sex. He groaned as the hand not touching the picture of the object of his desire unzipped his pants and released his swollen throbbing manhood from the confines of his underwear. As his hand worked himself toward an explosive climax he pretended that it was she who was bringing him to competition, perhaps first her small hand squeezing and fondling him before she took him deep in her mouth and made love to him that way. Though the pleasure he was imagining her bringing him made him want to close his eyes as he felt the emotion rising in him he kept them open, locking them into her smiling eyes in the photograph. Panting hard amidst moans of intense pleasure and desire, he imagined plunging into her small tight entrance thrusting deep and fast and hard over and over again until she was screaming his name and they were both reached heights of orgasm together. 

He came hard biting off the scream of pleasure that he wanted to release and instead brought the clipping up to his lips to kiss the imagine smiling back at him. Coming down off the waves of ecstasy, he cleaned himself off before he tucked himself back into the his pants and fastened his pants again. He returned the clipping to his bedside table. He stood and reached into the drawer once more pulling out a silver key, a key that would unlock the doors he needed unlocking to get what he wanted. He smiled remembering how easy it had been to take it from a locker and have a duplicate made. 

“You got lucky yesterday but next time you won’t be. Next time there will be no one who will interfere from making you totally mine. I’ll either have you completely, heart soul and mind or I will see to it no one else does. Sooner rather than later.”


	37. Chapter 37

“Sam, did Nat leave my…” 

Jules stopped as she came into the kitchen and saw Sam standing in the middle of the room staring at the back door. The expression on his face reminded her of the way she felt just before the urge to vomit overwhelmed her. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and it looked like he was fighting back tears. She took a step closer to him, wanting to reach out and touch him but at the same time not wanting to startle him. She didn’t think he’d even heard her come into the room. Was this what he felt like at times when she seemed locked in her own personal hell? He always instinctively knew exactly what to say and what to do to make her feel better; she owed it to him to do the same. She continued to his side and stopped in front of him. She reached up to touch his cheek. 

“Sam?”

“I let him in. It’s my fault the bastard got in here and was able to hurt you.” 

The guilt she heard in his voice was thick and palpable. She shook her head, hoping to convince him he was wrong. “I don’t… Sam, why would you think that? You weren’t even home.”

“We’ve been trying to figure out how he got inside. You said yourself yesterday in your statement that once you came home from work, you locked the door and didn’t open it again. You didn’t hear anyone come in so he must have already been in the house when you got home. He didn’t force entry so he had to have gotten in through an open door when we weren’t looking. The day you were attacked, while you were finishing getting ready I took the trash out. I left the back door open while I took the cans to the street. He must have been watching and slipped in while the door was open before you came in to the kitchen. I gave him access to the house.”

Jules shook her head. “No, no you didn’t. Sam, he couldn’t have gotten in that way. I could still see you through the door putting in the bags from the kitchen when I walked in. He wouldn’t have had time to slip in that way. It wasn’t your fault.”

Sam looked down at her, his expression changing from the hard guilt to a more wistful expression. “He didn’t get in that way? You were in here the whole time?”

Jules stepped closer, wrapping her arms around his waist, glad to be the comforter this time instead of the comfortee. “Yeah, I was in here the whole time. Watching you put the bags in the can, thinking about how hot you could make even such a mundane chore look. Still feeling so completely blown away by the love we’d made the night before. Mentally calculating how late we’d be if I gave in to the desire to drag you back inside the house and ask for an encore. Hoping Sarge didn’t put us in a car together all day knowing there was no way I could sit that close to you and keep my focus on the job. Looking forward to the end of the day where we‘d have the whole night to spend in each other‘s arms again.”

Sam pulled her closer, the revelation of her desires in those moments of watching him take out the trash doing more to erase his guilt than her assurance that he hadn‘t provided a means for the assailant to enter. In another, younger time in his life, hearing her describe the lingering effect their lovemaking had on her would have had him smirking in the cocky knowledge that he could so rock a woman’s world in bed that she was still riding the high of it the next day. That would have been when, to him, a roll in the hay was just sex and not love. Long before the woman currently in his arms, capable of stirring his desire with just a glance or a touch, had come into his life and taught him what love actually was. This feeling was so much sweeter though and he reveled in the knowledge that he’d been successful in starting to break down the fears and barriers she’d built around her after Johnny had stolen the innocence of her ability to discover the joys of lovemaking on her own terms. Joys he still wanted her to come to know and crave. 

Jules reached up and brushed her fingertips along his jaw line. “I know it’s killing you trying to figure out how he got in here. It’s killing me as well. We both need the answers because it’s the only way we’ll feel safe. Me especially. But I think it goes much deeper for you. You’re afraid all of this is your fault someone how. You more or less said it. And you’ve got to stop it. It’s not your fault, no matter how he got in. Do you really think Johnny sat outside just hoping that we’d make a mistake and leave a door unlocked or open so he could sneak in? Cause I don’t. However he got in, it was by plan not by some random chance. Even if, by some strange quirk of fate, it wasn’t Johnny, I don’t think it would change anything. Okay?”

Unlocked door. He paled. “Jules, the night before you were attacked, I met you at the door when you came in. I was upset about how dinner with the General had gone and I barely let you get in the door before I started kissing you. I remember you closed the door with your foot but did either of us think to lock it?”

Jules chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about whether it was better to lie or tell the truth. As much as she didn’t want to, she knew she had to be honest. “No, we didn’t. I noticed when I came down the next morning that it was unlocked. I looked around to make sure nothing looked out of place or disturbed and then locked it before going into the kitchen. Sam, it doesn’t matter. Think about it, if he’d come in during the middle of the night he wouldn’t have waited over twelve hours to do something. He would have attacked in the middle of the night when we were vulnerable. He would have drugged us both while we slept. He would have gotten perverse pleasure in raping me while you watched. Trust me that that’s the way it would have happened if he’d come in during the night.”

Sam stepped away from Jules, gripping the counter with both hands. “Damn it, Jules. How could I? I was so caught up in my own issues that I put you in danger. How could I do that to you?” 

He suddenly kicked out at the cabinet door several times before sweeping the metal canisters off the counter. They clattered noisily to the floor and Jules jumped slightly. It was killing her to see Sam so upset. But she steeled herself, taking a stance she normally reserved for subjects that needed a hefty does of reality. 

“Fine, you want to blame yourself, want me to blame you? I can do that. I can make you feel like a heel because you needed something from me after giving me so much. Furthermore, I can condemn you for listening to me when I asked you to take me upstairs and make love to me. I can make you feel as bad as you apparently think you need to feel. The thing is, can you do the same for me? Cause the way I see it I’ve got a lot more blame in this than you do. You might have missed locking the door the night before I stayed silent about it the next day.”

Almost immediately the air went out of Sam’s sails and his anger disappeared. He turned to stare at her. He shook his head. Was she really turning the blame on herself? “What the hell? Jules?”

She shrugged, her expression completely neutral. “If he got in during the night and I really believe it didn’t happen that way, then your responsibility in the whole thing ended when we survived the night and I came downstairs and saw the door unlocked. I told you I wouldn’t take unnecessary risks but yet I didn’t tell you about the door. Didn’t even search the house. Didn’t suggest that Sarge come in with me when he dropped me off and make sure the house was secure before I let him leave. We’re pretty sure he was here then. So what’s it going to be?”

Sam sighed. “You really think it’s your fault?”

Jules shook her head. “No, I don’t. There’s a lot about what happened twenty years ago that I do blame myself for, things I could have done differently. But not this time. I feel a lot of things: hurt, scared, humiliated, uncertain, but not guilt. Not this time. So I guess I’m really hoping you aren’t going to change that.”

Sam stepped back toward her and pulled her once again into his arms. “You don’t play fair, you know that don’t you? Seriously, you’re guilting me into not feeling guilty? I’ll work on it. That’s all I can promise you.”

“I just do what I have to do to get the job done, that’s all. If a promise is the best you can do right now, I’ll take it and I’ll keep reminding you it wasn’t your fault until you believe it on your on. One more thing, Sam. At the risk of adding more guilt on top of the guilt trip into not feeling guilty, let me say this. You’re about to go to work. Your head has to be in the game there. I can’t worry that you are too wrapped up in worrying about me that you potentially lose focus during a call. I promise you that I’ll be extra careful if you promise me to put all of this aside while you are on the clock.”

Sam kissed her tenderly and then pulled back to look her in the eyes. “Promise.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
The first hour that Jules spent in her father’s hospital room was not a problem. Jack Callaghan spent the time regaling his youngest child with anecdote after anecdote of the time he’d spent with his buddies two nights earlier. Jules was glad to see her father looking so happy and refreshed; it was obvious the visit from his old buddies had done him a world of good. She participated in the conversation, asking about different stories she remembered from growing up. 

Finally his stories started to run out and he flipped through the channels trying to find something on daytime television they could both agree on. He finally settled on a game show and they watched in companionable silence. Every so often she could feel his eyes drift her way. She began to grow nervous but she tried hard to hide it. She knew his tactics and didn’t want to fall for his tricks. It had always been the same growing up. He would suspect one of the kids of doing something, usually James or Mark were likely of being the guilty party, but wouldn’t have enough proof to really confront them about their actions. Instead he would just watch first one child then another until the guilt and fear of discovery won out and the guilty party or in some cases, the non-guilty party who’d gotten drawn into the drama, gave in and confessed to sins he hadn’t even been rooting around for. 

As she’d gotten older, she’d gotten more immune to his interrogation skills and avoided trouble on more than one occasion. After an hour and a half of trying without success and flipping through channels a second time, Jack sighed. “Okay, Jules level with me. I’m dying aren’t I? How long have the doctors given me?”

His questions started Jules completely. She hadn’t expected his question to go in that direction. “Dad, what are you talking about? You’re doing great. What’s this dying talk?”

“James and Peter were here last night and they seemed really antsy. They only get that way when they are trying to hide something. I thought maybe you’d been injured at work and they just didn’t want to tell me. But you’re here and fine so it has to be something else. The only thing I could think of is that the doctor has told you kids something he wasn’t telling me. Go ahead and tell me, I can handle it. I have a right to know what to expect.”

Jules sighed. She should have known James and Peter would have had trouble acting like nothing was wrong. She stood and came over and squeezed his hand. “Dad, here’s what you have to expect. You’ll be released from here in just a couple of days. You’ll go home where you will take the medication the doctor prescribes. You will do the exercises he recommends and you most definitely will follow the diet he gives you without complaint. You do that and the doctors all agree you’ll be fine. Don’t and you’ll have me to deal with.”

Jack scoffed. “Listen to you. Don’t forget I’m your dad and you’re still little enough for me to take over my knee.”

“Please.” Jules rolled her eyes. “I may be little but I’m trained to take down guys twice your size. Seriously Dad, you’re going to make a full recovery so no more talk about dying.”

Jack nodded. “Okay then, what was up with your brothers then? If I’m not dying and you were injured at work, did something happen to either Mark or Ridge?” She shook her head at his questions. Then he frowned. “You might as well tell me; you know I’m not going to let it drop.”

“Okay fine, the boys were hiding something from you last night because I asked them to. It’s not that I’m trying to shut you out. I had planned on telling you but I wanted to make sure your doctor thought your heart was strong enough for the news.”

“Are you pregnant? I swear I thought I liked that boy of yours but if he’s knocked you up I’m getting my shotgun after him.”

Jules couldn‘t help but laugh. “Relax Dad. I’m not pregnant.” 

“Then what Kiddo? 

Without responding, Jules crawled up in the bed next to her father, snuggling into his side. Jack was surprised at first but then held her close. A lump formed in his throat that made talking hard. “Must be bad. You haven’t crawled up in my lap like this in years. Made me a little sad to think my little girl was all grown up and didn’t need her old man anymore.”

“I’ll always need you Dad. No matter how grown up I get or how tough I want to be, I’ll still be a Daddy’s girl. You don’t know how many times in the weeks and months after Mom died that I wanted to crawl up in your lap and tell you everything that had happen and have you make the pain all go away. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a pain in the ass if I had.”

If anything the lump got bigger. Jack tried to clear it from his throat. “I wish you had. It tears me up inside to think you were going through all that without any support. Surely you had to know I wouldn’t blame you or think less of you because of what you suffered.”

Jules shrugged. “I was scared. Johnny had me convinced that people would believe that I asked for it to happen or that people would be hurt if I told. Plus I was afraid if you knew you’d go after Johnny. I even heard you tell Bard that day at Barbara’s what you would have done if Johnny had hurt me. I didn’t care what happened to him but I did care about what would happen to you. I didn’t want you to get in trouble because of me. I couldn’t take losing you on top of losing mom. Couldn’t handle having that guilt on top of everything else.”

Jack didn’t have an answer for that. The truth was if she had told him at 16 what had happened to her, he couldn’t guarantee that her fears wouldn’t have come true. Her brothers had come by their over protectiveness where it came to their sister quite honestly. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect her. “Jules. It’s that little shithead isn’t it? Johnny’s done something else? He still trying to stir up trouble for you? Honey, I get that you are worried about my health but you said yourself the doctor‘s getting ready to release me soon. The stress of knowing what‘s bugging you can‘t be any worse than me worrying about what you‘re hiding.”

Jules lifted her head enough to look him in the eye. “I don’t know about that. Okay Dad, just remember I’m right here still in one piece. I didn’t come by yesterday because I had spent the night in the hospital myself and then had to go to the station to give my statement.”

Jack frowned. “What happened?”

Haltingly Jules told him, not the same graphic detail she‘d been forced to give SCU the day before but enough so she felt like she was being honest. Jack tightened his hold on her as his stomach twisted at the thought of what his little girl had been through. No woman should go through what she did and certainly not twice. He wanted to scream and protest and check himself out of the hospital to track down the punk and hurt him himself but refrained. There was a reason why Jules had confided her earlier fears to him before telling him. He couldn‘t risk hurting her worse. “Tell me he’s back in jail where he belongs.”

“Not yet. We don’t know for sure it was Johnny but I can‘t imagine it being anyone else. But I trust that they’ll prove his guilt and that he’ll be arrested. Dad, promise me you’ll let the police handle it. James already tried to handle it and he almost got arrested in the attempt. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.”

“Are you okay? I mean I know you’re not how could you be? But I mean… how bad?”

Jules took a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. Sam’s been great. I don’t know what I would do without him. And I know you and my brothers will be there for me. My friends. I can’t help but be okay.”

Jack kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, I guess you will be.”

His voice never betrayed the rage building inside him.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Raf was surprised to see Jules emerge from her locker room wearing her cool pants and the short sleeved black t-shirt she liked to wear around the barn when she didn’t have to be in full uniform. “You aren’t back on duty already are you?”

Jules shook her head. “I wish. I’m hoping after this afternoon I can be. Gotta do the competency checks to make sure I’m fit to return to duty. I was hoping to get it over and done with but Winnie said Ed and Sam are in a tactical briefing. What’s that about?”

“A grant came through for the department to purchase new gear. Word gets out when there’s money to be spent and vendors start coming out of the woodwork with all these breakthrough advances in less-lethal weapons. All the tactical leaders are getting the latest sales spiel. They’ve already been in there an hour. Spike got a text from Sam earlier that said he was bored out of his mind, said it’s been all talk and no plans of demonstration.”

Jules smiled. She knew Sam enjoyed sharing tactical duties with Ed but not when it came to the more mundane administrative aspects. “Yeah, the perks of being co-leader.”

Raf chuckled then grew serious. “You doing okay? I really didn’t get a chance to ask in the brief time I got to see you yesterday when you came to give your statement. I’ve been worried but figured you needed your space.”

Jules shrugged. “Everyone’s been so great. It helps, you know, knowing you’ve got friends who have your back. Honestly, physically other than some bruises and minor injuries I’m fine or I will be once Ed clears me for duty. I just wish emotionally it was that easy. No matter how much I want to pretend it doesn’t affect me and that I can put it behind me like it didn’t matter, I can’t.” 

“Takes time but you know that. As cops we know all the right things to say to victims but it doesn’t make it any easier when you are on the other side. Just remember it’s okay to not be okay with what happened. It doesn’t make you weak, only human. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

Jules nodded. “I know. But it helps to be reminded every now and then.”

Raf smiled at her. “Any time. Seriously, we’re all here for you, anything you need. All you gotta do is ask.”

Jules looked around the headquarters. “You got some free time now?”

“Yeah, sure. Unless we get a hot call that pulls Sam and Ed for that meeting, the rest of us are kind of free wheeling until the meeting’s over. What do you need?”

The tension had been steadily building, a combination of the attack itself, her father finding out the truth and worrying about how the information was going to affect his health, apprehension about passing the competency checks. She needed a stress reliever. Raf’s arrival gave her the opportunity to do just that without breaking any rules. She grabbed a bag from the training room and nodded to her teammate. 

“Come on, I’ll explain on the way.” She stopped at Winnie’s desk and let the dispatcher know where they’d be if Sam and Ed came looking for her. She didn’t want Sam to worry if he couldn’t find her. 

“The way where?”

“The training field. I need to burn off some energy and I don’t think the treadmill’s going to cut it. Climbing is a great stress reliever. You have to focus so much all the rest of the junk weighing on you just has no choice but to fade into the background. A couple of practice climbs before the obstacle course should do the trick.”

Raf remembered the story Spike had told him the night before. “You planning on using the safety gear or will I be there to call for help if you seriously hurt yourself? Cause I really don’t want to land on Ed’s bad side by participating in another incident that shall not be named.”

Jules groaned. “Awesome. Spike finally got around to initiating you with the stories of my stupidity. Did he tell you the full story or one of the legendary versions he’s grown the truth into? I swear when he told it to Sam it was a forty foot wall and I landed on my feet like a cat. Of course he was drunk off his ass at the time of the telling.”

“Twenty foot wall no climbing gear, some sort of challenge from Rolie because you beat his time. Bruised shoulder and rolled ankle.”

Jules narrowed her eyes. “Sounds suspiciously like the real deal. Doesn’t sound like Spike, he had to embellish something.”

Raf didn’t want to admit that Spike had told the story to prove how stubborn Jules could be; didn’t want her to feel like they were all talking about her behind her back. “I don’t think he embellished anything. Hard to picture you being razzed by the team like he described. I guess jumping twenty feet and walking away from it put a stop to it.”

Jules grinned. “Yeah, I don’t know if they finally decided I could hold my own or were too worried that if I could do something that stupid to myself there was no telling what kind of trouble I could do to them if they didn’t give it a rest. Pissed Ed and the Boss off which is never good but I think I scared Spike worst of all. He got all tongue tied around me for the next three months. Guess I can’t blame him, it was the poor guy’s first day at SRU and there’s no telling what kind of stories the rest of the guys told him about me when I wasn’t around. I almost felt bad when Wordy hazed him cause I felt like he’d almost been through enough with that one incident.” 

“Funny, he didn’t mention it was his first day. The way he told the story it sounded like he was already one of the gang.”

Jules grinned. “He was definitely trying to be I can assure you. We’ve gotten marginally better over the years but Team One used to have a notorious reputation for hazing new members. I think he felt like if he joined in with the others it would protect him. Didn’t work but I can’t blame him for trying.”

By this time, they had reached the training field. Jules dropped the gear bag at the base of the climbing wall. Before she could start pulling out the rigging, she heard her name being called and saw that the rest of the team was walking toward them. Sam gave her a quick hug, not caring that he was at work and he should keep his distance.

Jules smiled at him. “Hey. How was the meeting?”

“Don’t ask. How was the hospital?”

“Don’t ask.” She tried to relay with her eyes that everything was okay and that she’d fill him in later. He nodded. She smiled and turned to Ed. “You ready to do this?”

Ed nodded. “Yeah, I feel bad about putting you through this but…”

Jules waved off his protests. “You have to think about the team and public safety. If I’m not up to the task people could get hurt. I know. You don’t have to always like the job to be good at it. Don’t worry. I get that sometimes duty has to come before personal feelings. I don’t blame you for me having to do the competency tests and I don’t plan on putting you in the position where you have to bench me. The course has to be completed in five minutes to qualify; I’ll do it in less than three.”

Ed nodded. “Copy that. I know a little competition always gets you into high gear. After sitting in that meeting for so long, I bet Sam here could use a little exercise to run off some steam. You two want to race each other?”

The couple exchanged a look, both wearing matching grins. Ed never paired them together. Sam had a feeling it was more about allowing him to be beside her on the course in case she ran into trouble. 

Jules nodded. “Let’s do this.”


	38. Chapter 38

“Jules?” 

Jules finished strapping on her knee pads and glanced over at Greg. He was leaning toward her so that only she could hear what he had to say. “Something wrong, Boss?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. Just wanted to make sure where your head is in this.” His voice was low but his concern was obvious.

“Right where it should be, Boss, right between my shoulders.” She reached for her Kevlar, putting it on and pulling the straps tight before continuing. “You read the discharge papers, Sarge, the doctor didn’t list any work restrictions. I’m ready to work. I need to work. We both know the best thing is for me to get back to as much of my normal routine as possible.”

Greg nodded. “Yeah, I get and respect all that. I just don’t want you to get out there and push yourself too much too soon and end up hurting yourself. It‘s not worth it. It’s not a race and you have nothing to prove. It’s pass/fail only.”

“Copy that, Sarge.” Jules made sure everything was fastened correctly and then reached out to touch his arm. “Sarge, don’t worry. I can do this.”

She stepped away and looked over at Sam who had also finished gearing up. “Showing you no mercy out there, Braddock. You prepared to keep up with me?”

The look he shot her clearly said “whatever.” “Please, I’ll be waiting for you at the finish line.”

Jules nodded and smiled. Message given and received. He wasn’t going to hover over her or hold back. It would be a race just like any other. Just the way she needed it. 

She’d run the obstacle course so many times she could just about do so with a blindfold on. It was as familiar to her as the inner workings of her Remi which she had actually practiced breaking apart and putting back together again blindfolded. At the start of the course, she blocked out everything but the path before her, blocked out Sam next to her, everything about the past couple of days and focused on exactly what was in front of her. She was a competitive person but first and foremost, she competed against herself. She took several deep breaths. When the starter gun went off, she took off at a dead run not even paying attention to where Sam was in comparison to her. She didn’t even look down at her feet as they nimbly made their way through the tires. Her smaller feet gave her the advantage here because they weren’t as apt to get caught in the tires the way some of the guys had to worry about. 

After the tires came the horizontal ladder. Here the advantage was usually lost to the guys simply because they were taller and didn’t have to jump as high to reach the first rung. Swinging from one rung to the next wasn’t a problem and she soon reached the other side. She flew over the balance beam next without a thought. 

When it came to the short wall, again she felt the disadvantage of her height working against her. She grabbed one of the handholds and pulled herself up, stretching her leg to hook it over the top of the wall. She winced as the movement caused the bruises and tears she’d suffered in the attack to sting from being stretched. It wasn’t bad enough to make her call out in pain but it did catch her by surprise and made her pause just a little. Pushing the pain aside she pulled her other leg over and dropped to the ground. She ran to the cargo net knowing the end of the course was near but without any concept of how much time had elapsed. 

Once she was through the cargo net she ran to the dummies that had been placed near the end of the course. As she snaked her arms under the “arms” of the dummy she wondered if Ed had purposely decided to go with the training dummies instead of using either Spike or Raf for her benefit. She dragged it the remaining distance and dropped it, noticing for the first time that Sam had crossed the line before her but she didn’t know how much quicker he’d done so. He gave her back a congratulatory slap as she turned expectantly to Ed who was holding the stopwatch. 

His expression gave nothing away. She wasn’t surprised. He was the only one she knew that could bluff at poker as well as she could. She didn’t want to ask him her time. Didn’t want to give the appearance that she was actually worried about whether she had passed or not. After all, she had felt great out there, no problems whatsoever, or at least no problems that anyone else should have noticed. When she thought she was about to burst he shook his head. 

“Five seconds over.” 

Her face fell and it felt like someone had socked her in the stomach. She shook her head. “No way, there’s no freaking way that that took me over five minutes to complete.”

Ed raised an eyebrow. “I believe you promised to do it in under three. You went over three minutes by five seconds. Not bad kid, not bad at all.”

She stared at him dumbly for a long minute as his words penetrated the disappointment that had filled her at his first announcement. Then her eyes narrowed. “You are a cruel, cruel man, Ed Lane. Remember though, payback’s a bitch. Just saying.”

Sam glared at the team leader, well aware the effect Ed’s little joke had probably had on Jules. “Not funny. Not funny at all.”

Ed shrugged. “Yeah, it was a little funny. Come on, let’s get the shooting range portion of this test done so we can be back to a full team by tomorrow.”

He walked off. Greg, Spike, and Raf offered their congratulations to Jules before following Ed toward the shooting range. Jules started pulling off the extra gear. Sam reached out and took her gently by the arm. He was well aware of every nuance of her body, having spent an inordinate amount of time watching her without being noticed. He could tell she was upset even though she wouldn’t come out and say it. 

“Jules, don’t let him get to you.”

She glanced back at him frowning. “Who? Ed? Please I would have been upset if he hadn’t pulled out that infamous Ed deadpan. I’m fine.”

She started to walk off but Sam stopped her. “Don’t shut me out Jules. I can tell something is bothering you. If it wasn’t Ed’s dumb crack, what is it?”

She blew out her breath. “3:05 Sam. It should have been a better time.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Jules, nobody can complain about a 3:05 on the obstacle course. I know for a fact that Spike would be ecstatic with a time like that. He’s been stuck at 3:15 for forever. Considering what you’ve been through that’s a hell of a great time. The last time Ed put us through the course you were at a straight three.”

Jules shook her head. “Yeah, and I was fifteen seconds off my normal time then. It’s ridiculous.”

Glancing around to make sure no one was looking, Sam tugged her arm gently pulling her in for a hug. “No, what’s ridiculous is that you’re worried about this at all.”

Jules’s eyes got darker and she pulled free from Sam’s embrace. “Yeah, well, I guess I’m just ridiculous then. I’ve got to get up to the shooting range. Excuse me.”

Sam watched her go, stunned by how quickly she’d taken his words the wrong way. He’d been trying to reassure her, not upset her. How had that gone so wrong? His shoulders slumped as he followed her up the slope to the shooting range. He caught up with her quickly and softly called her name, not wanting to startle her. 

“Jules, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you were being ridiculous. You know I wouldn’t do that. I know you though, you are going to dwell on those five seconds like it means you weren’t at your best.”

Jules stopped walking and looked up at him. “I wasn’t at my best Sam.”

Sam reached out, cupping the back of her head with his hand. “Yeah, but you’ve got to remember that less than your best is still way better than most people’s absolute best.”

Jules shrugged. “Sam, I appreciate that you’re trying to make me feel better; I really do. I guess it’s not really so much the time but what it meant to me. I wanted to come back and zip through that course to prove to myself and everyone else that at least here at work I didn’t have to be affected by what happened. But it didn’t happen.” She looked around to make sure no one was around to hear what she had to say. “Sam, going over the wall hurt. I guess stretching my legs like I had to do aggravated the bruises and tears a little. It wasn’t bad -- and you can quit looking at me like I’m about to break -- but enough to remind me I was hurt. It was a not so pleasant reminder that even my job wasn‘t immune to its affect.” 

Sam let his thumb graze her cheek bone. “I know the doc at the hospital said for you to follow up with your GYN in a couple of weeks but should we give her a call and set something up for earlier?”

Jules shook her head. A warm blush crept into her cheeks. “No, thank you. I don’t look forward to visiting her once a year; I’m certainly not in a rush to do so before I have to. It’s okay. I might not have been able to respond or move but I was able to listen to everything the forensic nurse told me when she did the SAE. Perfectly normal for me to feel sore and sensitive down there for a few days until the bruises and abrasions heal. I had the same pain last night when I first got into the bubble bath. It just caught me off guard and it’s probably what cost me those seconds. I’m just mad at myself for not compartmentalizing enough not to let it throw me.”

Sam hugged her again. Normally he was so careful about any signs of PDA at work but he didn’t think anyone would really begrudge him the moment given everything that had been happening. “Somehow I don’t remember you saying anything about the bubble bath hurting last night.”

Jules blushed even deeper. “Yeah well, in case you haven’t noticed in all the time we’ve been together, I’m not exactly one who talks about feminine things like that.”

He couldn’t argue with that. In fact he only knew that her GYN was a female because he’d seen it on the prescription label of her birth control pills. “Okay, I’ll drop the subject. You turn any redder and the guys are going to wonder what we’ve been up to. Let’s go get you checked off on the gun range.”

If the guys questioned why it took them so long to make it to the range, they didn’t ask or tease. Jules checked her gun and then slipped on her ear protection. Ed stood behind her. “Okay Jules, you know the drill, I’ll call out the numbers randomly and you’ll shoot them in that order. Ready?”

Jules took several deep cleansing breaths before nodding. She extended her arms and closed one eye as the other went peered into the scope. 

“1,4,3,2”

Four quick staccato pops and the targets went down in that order, the last one collapsing almost simultaneously with Ed calling out the number. 

“Nice.” Spike called out approvingly from where he and the others had been watching approvingly. 

The CQB course was the last test she had to go through. As she went through the course deciding on which targets were dangerous and should be shot and which were civilians, Sam couldn’t help but remember his first time through the course as a SRU officer. Sometimes it seemed like just the day before and other times a lifetime. Again, Jules made it look easy as if she’d been born with a gun in her hand. 

As she stepped back out into the control room with everyone else Ed nodded approvingly. “Okay, well I’m convinced. Sarge?”

Greg smiled proudly. “Never a doubt in my mind.”

A claxon sounded in the range and they immediately turned their attention to it. “Team One gear up.”

Jules looked at Greg. “How about it Sarge? I’m cleared. Let me go with?”

Greg considered it and glanced at Ed who nodded. “Okay, you’re with me. Let’s go team.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Okay, Winnie, what are we dealing with here?” Greg asked into his comlink as the team separated to their respective SUVs. 

“Alarm company call came in for a home invasion. First responders didn’t note anything suspicious at first. A butler answered the door and said the security system had malfunctioned. He was acting odd so the officers asked to look around. A single gunman opened fire on them. The officers retreated and set up a perimeter.”

“Any idea who’s doing the shooting?”

“Negative, Sarge. I’m contacting the alarm company for information about the homeowners. I’ll send the information to your PDAs when I have it.”

“Copy that Winnie.” Greg answered.

“Hey Winnie.” Spike interjected. “While you on with the alarm company, have them give you the codes that will patch me into the surveillance system and floor plans.”

“Consider it done Spike.”

“We’re essentially going in blind.” Jules mused as she drove the SUV across town.

“Yeah, I don’t like that.” Greg admitted. “Hopefully, we’ll have a little more intel once we arrive.” He looked over at her. “You did good out there today. Guess I worried for nothing.”

Jules cut her eyes over to him, her expression completely neutral. “Guess I’ve given you all reason to worry. I won’t pretend this is something that’s going to go away just because I want it to but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it dictate my life.”

“Copy that. Just so you know, we worry because we care.”

Jules smiled. “I know.”

The team pulled up at the large house. Jules whistled. “Nice. I can see why someone might target this place for robbery. Is this a house or an entire city?”

They left the vehicles and made their way to the side of the command truck. One of the first responders joined them. Greg frowned. “What have we got?

“Single gunman armed with what appeared to be a high powered assault rifle. No word on his identity or how many others might be inside. As soon as he opened fire, we pulled back. We know the butler who answered the door is still inside but we don’t believe he’s the shooter.”

“How many shots were fired and how long since the last one?” Ed took over the tactical. 

“At least a couple dozen in the first onslaught. It’s a wonder no one was injured. We’ve heard nothing since then.”

Ed nodded. “Okay, we have to assume we still have a potential active shooter. Spike you got eyes in yet?”

“Roger that. Whoever outfitted this place didn’t want to take any chances; I think there’s security cameras even in the bathrooms. I’m seeing no sign of a shooter or hostages. Wait a second, got a visual on a single person in what appears to be an office in the rear of the house. Based on the outfit, I’d say he’s our butler.”

“Okay, Raf and Ed, front entry, Jules with me on rear. Spike, the least change in the situation you let me know.” 

Armed with their MP5A3s, the two groups on entry made their way silently to their assigned entry points. Ed spoke quietly into his com. “Sam, Raf, hold position until Jules and I are set.”

“Copy that.”

The entry was smooth and flawless and in no time they had their sights on the butler. As soon as he saw them with their guns trained on him, he raised his hands. “Please don’t shoot. I’m unarmed.”

Ed nodded to Sam who shouldered his weapon in order to frisk the butler. Once he confirmed that he was indeed weaponless he nodded and the others lowered their weapons as well. Ed approached the frightened man. “Can you tell us what’s happening?”

“I think he’s already killed Mr. Carter. Please, you have to help the rest of the family before he kills them as well. I’ve never seen a delusion this severe. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“Ed, check out the screen.” Jules urged him softly. 

He glanced at the computer screen Jules was directing him to. It appeared to be a windowless room. An elderly man was standing with his back to one wall holding what appeared to be an assault rifle at the other occupants in the room. Ed frowned. It was hard to tell how many other people were huddled in small groups around the room but it was clear that several were small children. 

“Mr. Richards has always had paranoid tendencies. It’s why he had such an elaborate security system installed and was such an avid gun collector. But in the last year the paranoia has gotten much worse. He completely loses touch with reality from time to time. The family thought they had removed all the guns but they must have missed that one.”

“What set him off today?”

“Today is his 95th birthday. The whole family came to celebrate. His son and wife and their three kids and their family. One of the great grand kids accidentally set off the alarm and Mr. Richards believed the family was under attack. His son had just about talked him out of the delusion when the police officers arrived. Mr. Richards mistook them as a threat and opened fire. Once they retreated he ushered everybody into the panic room and sealed them all in. From what I could tell on the screen, Mr. Carter tried to unlock the door and Mr. Richards fired on him as well.” The fact that it happened in the more than likely soundproof panic room explained why the first responders hadn’t heard the shot.

“Boss, I think you and Spike should get in here.” Jules spoke into her com. Then she looked at the butler. “How many people are in there?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Richards of course. Their son and his wife. The three grandkids and their families.” The butler did a mental head count. “15.”

“Any way into that room?”

The butler shook his head as Greg and Spike joined them. “No, once the door is sealed it can only be opened from the inside.”

Greg and Spike had heard the whole conversation and Spike, anticipating the command to find a way in, sat down at the computer and started searching. Greg turned to the butler. “Can we talk to them?”

The butler nodded. “Yes, I’ve been trying to make him understand that they were safe but he won’t listen to me. He won’t let the others speak.”

“Boss that looks like a fully automatic AK47 he’s holding. If he so much as twitches wrong he could open fire and not stop until the gun’s empty.” Sam supplied. He’d been studying the screen trying to glean everything he could about the threat. They all knew what that meant; as much as they might not like the idea, they might be forced to neutralize the threat in order to save the lives of the hostages.

“Spike?”

“Nothing boss. I’ve pulled up the schematics for the panic room. The thing is impenetrable. We’re not getting in there unless someone in that room lets us.”

“Not good enough. We’ve got to be able to get someone in position. Ideas?”

“It’s a windowless room.” Sam mused. “None of them appears to be having difficulty breathing so there’s got to be air coming in from somewhere.”

“Checking.” Spike’s fingers flew over the keyboard. “There’s a ventilation shaft but it’s small. Looks like it’s not even two feet across.”

“I can fit.” Jules assured them. For once her small size was going to be an asset. 

Spike pulled up the schematic of the shaft for everyone to see. “You wouldn’t have any maneuverability once you were in there.”

“Don’t need much with the Glock. Sarge, you said it yourself, you need someone in position. I can do this.”

Greg looked back at the screen. It appeared the man was becoming more agitated rather than de-escalating. He couldn’t start trying to talk the man down until he had someone there to neutralize the threat if it came to that. “Okay. Sam back her up.” 

Spike gave them directions on where to find the vent system and they took off. Once they found it, Jules slipped into her harness. She peered down the shaft. “Definitely a tight fit. Spike, I know I’m going to have to go down and then across. Does the shaft dead end at the turn or can I go below it?”

“Dead ends.” 

Jules frowned. “That means I have to go head first or I’ll never be able to make the turn.”

She hooked the safety line to the harness and checked to make sure that Sam had the line secured to him. “Ready?”

His eyes told her he didn’t really like the idea. It was dangerous. If the delusional man suddenly started firing, a stray bullet could easily penetrate the shaft and hit her. But it was the job and he’d had his fair share of doing the dangerous work while she had to worry about him. It was the price they had agreed to pay for staying on the team together. “Ready. Be careful.”

“Every day in every way.” With the narrowness of the shaft and the fact that she was descending head first, she had to rely on Sam to slowly feed the line as she used her hands on the walls to inch her way down. Once she reached the turn, she twisted around so that her back was on the bottom part of the shaft. She realized almost immediately that she would have to use the extra space of the provided by the turn to ease her Glock from her holster for fear she’d never be able to remove it if she waited. Keeping her one hand that was holding the gun extended in front of her, she twisted over her stomach so she could belly crawl to the end of the shaft. The shaft was indeed tight; if she’d been even slightly bigger, she never would have been able to ease her way down. 

“Jules?”

“Almost there.” Her words were barely a whisper. She was being very careful not to make any noise that would alert Mr. Richards of her position. She could remember a similar call when Sam had provided cover for Ed in a ventilation shaft. Finally she was in position. The slats on the grill didn’t leave much room for a bullet to go through but fortunately the 9 mm didn’t require that much space. She twisted once more so that she was on her side giving as much room as she could to being able to aim the gun at the subject. He seemed every bit the frail and frightened man a 95 year old should be but the assault rifle made him extremely dangerous as well. She hoped that the boss was able to talk him down peacefully. But just in case it wasn’t possible. “I’ve got the solution.”

With Jules in place, Greg started his negotiation attempts.

“Mr. Richards, this is Greg Parker with the Police Strategic Response Unit. I understand you had a situation earlier. I’d like to help you with that. Your house is secure, Sir. There’s no threat to you or your family. You think you can put that gun down and come out and talk to us?”

“Go away.” The elderly man screamed. He waved the assault rifle around as if trying to locate the threat. Jules glued her eyes on his finger hovering just over the trigger. If he made the slightest move that indicated he was going to put the trigger, she’d have to shoot first. She’d have to go for the kill shot. Anything less would cause his finger to tighten by reflex on the trigger and it wouldn’t relax until the gun was empty. She took several slow deep breaths, regulating her heartbeat. 

“Mr. Richards, I can’t do that. Go away I mean. I have to make sure your family is safe. I know you want that. You have a very lovely family. Look at that, five great-grandkids and one more on the way. You must be proud, very proud.”

Jules knew Greg was trying hard to remind Mr. Richards who he had in the room with him. Personalize them so he didn’t think they were some enemy that he had to threaten. 

“I think right now they are a little scared though. Don’t you think, Mr. Richards? Small windowless room like that, all those noisy shots that were fired earlier, seeing their great-grandfather, a man they love very much, holding a gun on them. Yeah, I think they are probably terrified right now. What do you say, you open the door and at least let them out.”

“Shut up shut up shut up.”

A little girl that couldn’t be older than four started to whimper loudly as her great-grandfather started to scream. Her mother pulled her closer, trying to comfort her. Again the gun came up slightly, threatening certain death in a heartbeat. 

Don’t do it. Jules pleaded silently. Don’t make me shoot you in front of your family.  
“Mr. Richards, Greg Parker again. Please sir. Can you tell me what you’re scared of? Maybe I can help you.” 

The man shook his head. “No, no. They in here with us. They’re all around the room with their own guns. One of them made my little Jody cry. I can’t let them do that. I’ll kill them all first.”

Don’t do it. Jules once again urged, but it was looking less likely that there could be a peaceful ending. 

“Mr. Richards, if you fire your weapon, you’ll hurt your family. I know that’s not what you want. You put your gun down and open the door. My people will come in and we will make sure nobody hurts you or your family. Can you do that for me?”

The elderly man shook his head. “No, no, I won’t hurt my family. Special bullets that will only hurt the evil ones. Not my family. Can’t trust anyone else.”

“What about your grandson-in-law? What happened to him?”

The old man’s eyes flitted over to the prone lifeless body lying there. “They killed him. They knew he was going for help and they couldn’t let him do that so they killed him.”

Suddenly the pregnant wife of one of the grandsons clutched her stomach and cried out loudly in pain. The elderly man’s eyes narrowed and the gun turned unwaveringly on her. It was clear he believed the monsters in his head were causing the woman pain. Three things happened so quickly together that it seemed to be simultaneously. 

The old man’s finger twitched.

Greg’s voice rang clear in Jules’s ear. “Scorpio.”

Jules fired the kill shot.


	39. Chapter 39

“Subject neutralized.” Jules reported, her voice not betraying any of the anguish she felt. 

This wasn’t the first life she’d had to take but she couldn’t think of another that hurt this much. Part of her wished she hadn’t suggested that she tag along on the call, had avoided being the one to make the kill shot. At the same time though, she knew had she not been there, the consequences could have been much worse. She continued to lie there in the shaft, her ears ringing from firing her weapon in such close quarters, trying to block out the sounds of the wails and screams and cries from the family members inside the panic room. Dimly she was aware that one of the men had unlocked the door releasing the family from their prison. Raf was there ushering the family out of the room while Spike went to the pregnant woman. Between the woman’s husband and Spike, she was carried from the room to, more than likely, the awaiting paramedics. 

Her eyes filled with unshed tears as Greg entered the room that was now empty of the living members of the extended Richards family. She watched through the thin slats of the vent as Greg looked up at her even though he couldn‘t really see her any more than the family had been able to. Even through her water filled eyes she could see that he was distressed as well. Words from her past filled her ears blocking out even the ringing.

_It’s never easy to take a life. Even when that live is what saves a number of others._

“Jules?”

“Yeah Boss?” She turned over so she was lying on her back and covered her eyes with the crook of her arm. She needed a moment, just a moment before she made the backward trek back down the shaft and feet first back up to where Sam was waiting holding her line secure. 

“I know it doesn’t feel like it but it was a good shot. He was going to shoot her and he probably would have killed her and the unborn baby, maybe even the rest of the family. You saved their lives.”

“I know. Is the woman okay?”

“Looks like it. The medics will check her out, see if she’s in labor or not.”

“Good.” It amazed her that her voice continued to betray not even a modicum of the anguish she was feeling. 

“You okay getting out of there?”

“Yeah.” Sure, all that getting out entailed was butt scooting her way back down the horizontal shaft and then lifting herself feet first up the vertical shaft trusting Sam to keep the safety line tight as she pressed her hands and feet tightly against the slick metal walls of the shaft to inch her way slowly upward. The physical act of moving was just a matter of time and patience. The emotional impact of leaving her current position was a different story. Emotionally she wasn’t sure she was ready to get out, preferring the solitude of the shaft to avoid what she knew was coming. She sighed. She couldn’t stay there. SIU would be waiting to question her. Was deadly force absolutely necessary? Had they exhausted every other possibility? “Sam, you ready? Making that vertical climb feet first is going to be much harder than it was coming down. I’ll be able to brace myself on the walls some but you’ll probably have to do most of the work.”

“Copy that. Not too worried, my gear weighs more than you do. Let me know when you get to the bend so I can take up the slack in your line.”

She could hear his worry though she doubted anybody else would notice. If she knew him that well, the chances were he’d also picked up on the distress in her voice as well. She wondered if there was even half a chance in hell she could get just a moment alone with him before SIU whisked her away. 

“Okay, I’m at the bend.” 

The going up was much slower but at last she felt Sam’s hand grip her ankles and pull her the rest of the way up. They locked eyes almost immediately and that brief moment was all they had as the SIU officers appeared. She unholstered her Glock and handed it over without a word before unclipping her harness from the safety line. Anything she’d wanted to say to Sam or he to her would have to wait. She followed the officers out of the house and down to the waiting car. She knew Greg would be in a similar car on his way to a similar interview. As she stared out the window as the car pulled off she found that knowing that didn’t really make her feel any better.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  


Sam carefully put the climbing gear in the bag even though what he really wanted to do was just throw it in any such way as he could. He wanted to throw something, hit something, scream, protest, let the world in general know that it wasn’t fair. When had life decided it was Pick on Jules month? Why didn’t it decide to pick on someone its own size? He’d volunteer to take her place as the life’s punching bag any day just to spare her a moment more of pain. Yeah, it was the job and there’d been no choice; without eyes on the scene and just listening to the traffic on the com he knew that. He also knew that pulling the trigger didn’t come easy no matter how justified.

He zipped the gear bag and slung the strap over his shoulder. Ed, Raf, and Spike were waiting for him in the hallway. As he joined them, he could see the family gathered in the living room talking to other officers. They were all visibly upset and he couldn’t really blame them. It had to have been a terrible ordeal all the way around. He nodded toward them and kept his voice low so it wouldn’t carry. “They understand she had to do it right? That she didn’t have a choice?”

“Sam, right now they don’t know what to think. They’re in shock. Later, I’m sure they’ll realize it. Come on let’s get back to the barn. I think we all want to be there when SIU gets through.”

“It was a clean shot.” Sam protested. If life was about to take another pot shot at the woman he loved, then he was not going to be able to control his temper.

“Yeah it was a clean shot but that doesn’t mean SIU ever makes it easy on you, you know that. It was a tough call -- the right call -- but still a tough one. People who aren’t in our position, who don’t do what we do on a daily basis, don’t get it. They see a 95 year old man suffering from some sort of paranoid dementia and think nothing could be worse than taking his life. We see the bigger picture and know exactly how much worse it really could have been and make the tough, unpopular calls. It’s all going to be good but Jules will appreciate seeing those of us who get it and understand and sympathize when she’s finally through.”

With those grim words, they filed out of the house and back to the SUVs. Four men, three vehicles that had to be returned since both Greg and Jules had been escorted back with SIU. On the way to the call it had been Ed and Raf in the second vehicle and Spike and Sam in the third. Ed barely gave it a second thought as he switched the order around. He directed Sam to follow him to the boss’s SUV and directed Raf and Spike to drive the other two. He wanted to keep Sam close. He knew the younger man was a ticking time bomb of worry and even though Spike was the demolitions expert, Ed wanted to difuse that bomb personally. At first the ride was quiet but Sam soon broke the silence. 

“What were you thinking Ed? Can you tell me that?”

“At what point Sam? It’s been a long day and I’ve thought lots of things. This morning before work while Izzie was chewing on my finger like it was one of her toys I was thinking she’s starting to cut another tooth. Later as I was driving to work I was thinking the car sounds like it has a belt trying to break and that I need to get that fixed…”

“Damn it, you know what I mean. What was with the crack about Jules being five seconds over the time.”

Ed frowned, not taking his eyes off the road. “I actually thought you were going to question the wisdom of letting her respond to the call. That’s what’s bugging you? Come on, we all knew those tests today were mostly a formality. There’s no way she was going to not pass. I had to give her a hard time.”

“Yeah, well, I think Jules has had a hard enough time with everything else that’s going on. She doesn‘t need her friends adding to the stress. She feels like her whole world is spinning out of control right now.”

Ed nodded. “All the more reason not to treat her differently. We start treating her with kid gloves she’s going to get pissed off and then she’s going to start thinking we doubt her ability to do her job. What do you think that’s going to do to her sense of control?”

Sam propped his arm up on the passenger side window and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m just in over protective hyper active mode right now. Which before you say it I know will end up pissing her off just as much. I guess I’m feeling a little out of my element as well.”

This time Ed did glance over at Sam. “Buddy, the effects of a sexual assault aren’t limited to just the victim; it’s understandable for you to be having a hard time as well.”

“She was just starting to open up to me about what happened to her before, trusting me to help her heal old wounds she’d never let anyone see before. Then this bastard comes along and rips them all back open again and we’re right back to square one, maybe even further behind than that.”

Ed shook his head. “Yeah but with major differences this time. I won’t even pretend that I know everything that happened or is happening but I have picked up on a few things. Yeah, right now the pain is fresh and raw and that’s going to make it harder no question. But on the other hand, she seems to be opening up about it, at least to you. That’s a big improvement. The two of you are going to have bumps along the way but from where I’m sitting it looks like you’re doing a great job supporting her. We’re here for you though, Buddy. Not just for Jules but for you too.”

Sam smiled, appreciating the affirmation and the support more than he could express. “She’s determined to stay in the house; doesn’t want to give the bastard the pleasure of knowing he ran her out. Still, I can see it unnerves her being there -- hell, it unnerves me as well. Even though we moved the furniture around, I’m sure she still remembers every single moment of the attack. We don’t know how he got in so we can’t be sure he couldn’t get in again. I want to spare her all that but at the same time I respect the hell out of her determination. Now this happens. No way taking that shot was easy for her, wouldn’t have been easy for any of us. On top of everything else that’s happened, she’s going to dwell on pulling that trigger all night.”

Ed stopped at a red light and while waiting for it to change gave Sam his full attention. “Can I make a suggestion?” Sam nodded. “Don’t give her that chance. As soon as SIU clears her and shift ends, the two of change and go out and do something. Take her out to eat or maybe take her dancing, hell take her out to the mall for glow in the dark mini golf. Just do something for fun and just for the two of you, away from the house and away from all the memories. That way when the two of you finally do go home, she’s got some happy memories to cling to in addition to you when the fears and memories get too much.”

The light turned green and he turned his attention back to the road. Sam slowly grinned. “Thanks Ed. I think I will.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  


“And at that point you decided negotiations were going to fail and the kill shot was necessary.”

Though she felt like if ever there was a time that justified slumping in her seat this was it, Jules sat rigidly upright in her chair on one side of the table. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting in the room answering the same questions over and over again but she refused to give in to the temptation of looking at her watch. 

“At that point it was clear the lives of the hostages were in serious peril. The call was made to neutralize the threat and I carried out the command without any of the remaining hostages being injured.”

“The threat being a 95 year old man suffering from paranoid delusions.” The SIU agent made a notation on his pad. It didn’t appear he was really paying her attention but she knew he was watching her carefully.

“A 95 year old man suffering from paranoid delusions holding a fully automatic AK47 with anywhere from 5 to 25 rounds left in the magazine.”

“Granted. It’s my understanding that you weren’t supposed to be on duty today. That you were on medical leave following an incident in your home.”

“And was cleared to return to duty just before the call came in. The team was shorthanded and it was a good thing I responded. No one else on the team would have fit in the space.”

“Cleared physically but what about emotionally? Were you capable of doing your job after being assaulted?”

Jules didn‘t blink. Of course he would bring up the assault. There was a police file so it was a matter of record. “The physical clearance was the only one required. Yes it was a traumatic event but it didn’t affect my performance at the scene.”

“Constable Callaghan, is it possible that you were reminded of how helpless you felt at being attacked and reacted to that instead of the circumstances? You are only human, you can’t tell me you are capable of just leaving your emotions at the door. 

Jules felt her jaw tightened and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Her chin jutted out. “Really, so then is it possible that while you are sitting questing me about a justifiable shoot, you are really sitting there thinking about getting back at your wife who left you recently? You are only human after all.”

To say the man looked shocked was an understatement. “What? How did..?”

“You’ve got a tan line ring on your left ring finger that says you used to wear a band. When you aren’t writing on that pad you keep twisting the fingers of your right hand over that space that says you aren’t used to it being gone. Could be that your wife died but the expression deep in your eyes is more of bitterness than of grief. Look, I can do my job - period. The fact that I made that shot proves it.”

She reached across the table and grabbed his writing tablet and pen and pulled it to her side. She quickly sketched out a rough model of the room and the vent shaft and marked every person’s location. “Less that two feet width and depth, those slats were so close together there was no margin for error of the bullet passing through them. The subject was clearly agitated and could have moved out of my aim at any second or one of the hostages could have panicked and stepped into the line of fire. All that could have gone wrong yet my shot was perfect. Direct kill shot that kept him from reflexively pulling that trigger and killing others. Tell me my head wasn’t in the game.”

There was a knock on the door and the SIU officer got up to answer it. He conferred with the second officer for a few minutes before returning to the table. The door remained opened and Jules caught just a glimpse of Greg standing in the hallway.

“That’s all Constable Callaghan. SIU is going to rule it a clean shoot and you are free to return to duty.”

Without another word Jules pushed her chair back and stood. She didn’t spare the SIU officer so much as a glance as she left the room. She didn’t even acknowledge Greg as she continued down the hall to the stairwell. She’d kept her composure all through the interview but her control was just about to slip and if that was going to happen, she wanted it to be on the SRU floor surrounded just by her friends. Greg fell in behind her and didn’t try to engage her in conversation, almost as if he realized what she was thinking. She slammed through the door and headed straight for the locker room. Greg was right on her heals and almost instantaneously the rest of the team fell into step with him. 

They found Jules taking out her emotions on the lockers, kicking, hitting, throwing her whole body against them. Sam started to go to her immediately but Greg held his arm out stopping him. She needed to vent and if beating up on innocent lockers helped her do that, then they had no call to stop her. Finally, the storm passed and she turned and slid down the locker leaning her back against it, with her knees pulled up in front of her. 

Greg crouched down next to her, concern etched into his expression. “Jules.”

“No, it’s okay, I get it. I know I did what I had to do and I’d do it again if it meant saving lives. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. This job just sucks a big one sometimes, you know? I keep thinking about those five kids. They saw their great-grandfather gunned down in front of them on his birthday no less. But if I hadn’t made that shot they would have seen a man they loved shoot and kill their aunt or mother. It’s a lose/lose situation either way. What about the pregnant woman, do we know how she is?”

Raf answered. “Winnie contacted the hospital. She went into premature labor due to the stress. She gave birth to a 4 lb 10 oz baby boy. He’s small but appears healthy. Both mom and son should be fine.”

“Good. Something good should come from this. Still a sucky thing to happen.”

Greg nodded. “Yeah, you’re right, it does suck. And you’d be sitting here feeling bad either way. Sometimes even if we do everything perfectly right it still feels completely wrong. We’ve all, and I include you in this, been there before. You know the saying..”

Jules said it in tandem with him. “Just because you do right doesn't mean you get to feel right.”

“Exactly. So it’s okay to be upset and kick the lockers and maybe even cry a little but then what?”

“Accept that I did my job and that my best was good enough and come back tomorrow ready to do it all again.” 

Greg smiled. He doubted any of the team walked away from that call feeling good about what happened but for Jules and himself the bad feelings were more profound because of the direct way they were involved. “In the meantime, we’re all here for you if you need us.”

“Copy that, Boss.” She waited until Greg had stood up to look up at him. “Thanks. 

He nodded and silently left the locker room. Soon it was only Sam remaining in the room with her. He held his hand out to her in order to help her to her feet. She allowed him to pull her up and into his embrace. He reached up and slipped the pony tail holder from her hair and ran his fingers soothingly through the dark strands. After several silent moments where they were just content to hold and be held, Sam kissed the top of her head. 

“We should get changed so we can get out of here.”

Jules pulled back and nodded. “Mind if I take a quick shower first?”

“Take a long shower if you need to. I’ll wait.”

He started to leave but she pulled him back to her for another kiss. Once she pulled back she offered him a shaky smile. “For the record, I’m glad you were the one at the top of that shaft waiting for me.”

He smiled back at her and caressed her cheek. “No place else I’d want to be.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  


Ten minutes later, Sam stood in front of his locker, wearing just his black denim jeans. His eyes rested on the photograph staring back at him from the door of his locker. He believed it was Shelly who had snapped it at the last team picnic and it was his absolute favorite of any picture ever taken of him and Jules together. Obviously neither had realized someone had a camera pointed at them. Jules had sneaked up behind him while he’d been talking to Wordy and Spike and dropped an ice cube down his back. She’d taken off running and he’d given chase. The picture had been taken just as he’d grabbed her by the waist lifting her off her feet. He loved it because they both looked so relaxed and carefree -- so happy. Less than an hour earlier Sarge had gotten word that the two of them would both be allowed to stay on Team 1 AND they could continue to see each other. For the first time in their relationship, there were no secrets, no reason to be careful or hold back lest someone noticed something was going on. 

“Hey Sam,” Spike spoke up from his locker. “We were thinking of heading to the Goose for a few beers to unwind. You and Jules want to come? Might do her some good.”

If Ed hadn’t planted the seed of an idea in him earlier, Sam might have agreed. It was pretty typical for them all to gather at the end of a difficult shift to unwind and relax. To regain their focus before a new shift. But all while waiting for Jules to finish with SIU, Sam had been running through all the possible places he could take her. He had to admit he was looking forward to the night and he hoped it would be special and memorable for Jules as well.

“Thanks but we already have plans.” There was a secretive smile on Sam’s face as he reached into his locker for his deodorant. Spike didn’t miss it. 

“Jules know about these plans yet?”

Sam shook his head, his smile widening. “Not yet. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against us hanging out with you guys but I just want to do something special. Rain check?”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, definitely. Anybody deserves something special it’s Jules. The two of you have fun. Lots of it.”

Sam slipped his blue shirt off its hanger and slid his arms into it. After buttoning it up, he slid the zipper of his pants down to tuck it end but then stopped. Thinking about what he had planned he decided to leave it untucked. He zipped his pants back up. He unbuttoned first one sleeve and then the other and rolled up about a third of the way up his arm. After retrieving his wallet and his keys, he pocketed them and closed the locker door. 

He had figured that Jules would want to stand under the spray of the shower for awhile, letting the hot water wash away the bad feelings. But she emerged from her locker room only ten minutes after he did. Since her hair was down and dry, he knew that meant she’d either been real careful not to get it wet or she’d taken the time to dry it first. Though he’d seen her in the same outfit just that morning, he smiled approvingly at her blue jeans and purple short sleeved button down sweater. 

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” Jules apologized as she joined him. 

He shrugged. “I told you I didn’t mind. Ready?”

She nodded. Hand in hand, they made their way down the stairs and out of the building. He didn’t miss the way that after they left the secured SRU floor, she seemed to almost check every direction before she took a step as if looking for Johnny. He had to figure it was a reaction she was going to have for quite a while and he couldn’t really blame her. Still, it cut him to the quick that she felt she had to be careful in this place that should be safe for her. 

She climbed into the passenger seat of the Jeep and pulled the seat belt around her, clicking it in place. She glanced over at Sam. “Think we can just pick up something light for supper on the way home?”

He retuned her glance, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. “First of all, there’s not going to be any eating something light. You need something substantial. I wasn’t joking this afternoon when I said my gear weighs more than you. But for another, we aren’t going home right away.”

Jules frowned. “Sam, I know you all mean well but I don’t think I’m up to beers with the guys tonight. I know I’ve got to shake off what happened today and I’m started to do that. I just think if I’m around the whole team, it’ll just make me think about it more instead of less. Do you mind? If you really want to go, you can drop me off at home and go join them. I won’t mind.”

Like he was ready to leave her home alone when they didn’t know how the assailant had gotten in. But he didn’t say that out loud. This evening was about relaxing her not upsetting her. “I’d mind. I had something a little more intimate in mind.”

Jules raised an eyebrow. “Like what?”

For the first time since he’d gotten the idea, Sam started to have second doubts. What if she thought it was a stupid idea? “Well, um. See, I…”

Jules smiled. “If I didn’t know better I’d swear you looked just like a teenager fumbling around trying to ask a girl on a date for the first time. Not that I’d really know. I was a senior in high school before I got the nerve to say yes to a guy and by then they were too cocky of their own male prowess to be nervous. Even then I made sure dates were usually a matter of doubling with other friends or even whole groups of friends.”

Her words set him back at ease. He smiled, reaching out to touch the side of her face. She leaned her head against his hand. He took a deep breath. “You kind of hit on where I was going, although the nervousness wasn’t planned. See, I got to thinking about our conversation that night in the back yard, when you asked me to help you get back what you lost. He didn’t cost you just a proper first sexual experience. You just said it yourself, you missed out on those early dating experiences. I want to give that back to you. If you want…”

Jules cocked her head to one side. “Seriously? You want to do that for me? Wow, you’ve got to be absolutely the most perfect guy ever. That’s the sweetest thing you could ever do. I love it. Yeah, of course I want to but do you think tonight’s the best night for it?”

Sam nodded. “I think it’s the perfect night for it. Tonight we get to sort of put all this behind us and pretend we’re teens again. Teens that haven’t had any bad experiences.”

Before Jules could answer, Ed suddenly appeared at Sam’s window. “You kids heading to the Goose?”

A mischievous smile flit across Jules’s face and she reached over to give Sam’s hand a squeeze. “You weren’t supposed to catch us. Sam and I were sneaking out for a date.” 

Ed chuckled, glad to see Sam was taking his advice. “Yeah, I guess that’s okay. You two have fun but behave. Don’t stay out too late, you both have work tomorrow.”

Sam and Jules exchanged a look and Sam almost lost his composure. “Yes sir. What’s her curfew?”

Ed had a feeling he was missing something but wasn’t going to complain since Jules already looked better than she had. He shrugged. “9:00?”

Jules snorted derisively. “9? Seriously? Please tell me you’re not going to do that to Izzie when she starts to date.”

Ed shook his head. “Definitely not. I don’t plan on her ever dating so we won’t need a curfew.”

Sam nudged Jules. “Remind me to ask how that’s going fifteen years from now.”

“I’m not worried. I don’t see Izzie letting him get away with that one and I’m pretty sure Sophie will back her up.”

“I didn’t ask for this abuse. You two have fun and I will see you tomorrow.” Ed walked off.”

Sam cranked the Jeep and Jules leaned over to look at the dash board. Sam gave her an odd look. She shrugged. “Just checking to make sure the tank‘s full. I don’t want you getting any ideas about running out of gas in the middle of nowhere.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Their first stop was a nearby Pizza Hut. Once they had been seated, Sam ordered a large deep dish meat lovers pizza and a couple of sodas. Jules shook her head. “Since when do you eat pizza without beer?”

Sam looked shocked. “Give me some credit here. We’re a couple of teens remember? What, do you think I have a fake ID or something?”

Jules rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Seriously? Yeah I have a feeling you had a fake ID even before you were old enough to have a real one.”

Sam chuckled. “Maybe but I wouldn’t have used it on the first date.” He leaned back in his seat a little. “So, I’m glad you agreed to go out with me. I was a little afraid a beautiful girl like you would have so many guys asking you out, you wouldn’t have time for me.”

Jules blushed a little. “Well, when the most handsome guy in the whole school asks, a girl would have to be stupid to say no. I didn’t think you even knew who I was.”

“Are you kidding? I can’t take my eyes off of you when we have class together. I have to admit I was a little scared to pick you up tonight. I know your dad is a cop; I was a little afraid he’d meet me at the door with his gun in hand.”

Jules nodded, waiting as the server brought them their drinks. She busied herself opening her straw and putting it in her drink. “Yeah, he can be a little intense. Don’t worry, I hid his gun before I left. Of course I should warn you that I have four older brothers. Sometimes they are a little scarier than my dad can be. Fortunately they don’t live at home any more so I don’t think you have to worry about them.”

Sam ran his finger over the rim of his glass. “Good to know. I’ve got a younger sister myself so I know what a hard job they have.”

The small talk continued even after the pizza arrived. The banter between them was easy and light and the dinner passed quickly. All too quickly the pizza had been demolished and Sam was glad to see that Jules easily ate her fair share of the pizza. He paid the bill and held her hand as he led her back to the Jeep, holding the door open for her until she got in. He closed the door behind her and ran around to the driver’s side. 

“So, ready for part two of our date?” Sam asked lightly.

“Yeah, do I get to know what it is before we get there?” Jules countered. 

With a grin he shook his head. “Trust me?”

She nodded.

Phase two was a miniature gold course. Jules laughed when she saw where they were. She could remember hearing her brothers talk about taking girl friends to play mini golf and thought this was a perfect place for Sam to take her. They walked up to the window and Sam paid for a round of golf for the both of them. The attendant set the basket of colored balls on the counter so they could pick what color they wanted. Jules reached in and pulled out a light blue ball. 

“How about this one for you? It matches your shirt.” She held the ball against the material. It was almost a perfect match of blue. 

Sam blushed and took it from her and put it back in the basket. “Yeah, I don’t think so.” 

Her eyes wrinkled in confusion. But she reached in and pulled out a royal blue one instead. “What about this one? It matches your eyes.”

Still blushing, Sam took it away as well and put it back with a groan. “You’re killing me here. Any shade of that color is off limits.” Glancing around to make sure no little ears or even the clerk’s ears were able to hear as he whispered in her own. “Seriously Jules, remember, this is supposed to be a typical teenaged date we‘ve got going on here. You wouldn’t want me thinking about blue balls all night, would you?”

Jules’s eyes widened and she blushed a deep crimson as she buried her head in his blue shirt until her embarrassment passed. He kept his arm around her back as he reached in and randomly pulled out two balls that were anything but blue. Then he led her around the corner where different sized clubs were lined up. He reached out and lifted her chin so she could see him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. Definitely not something I would have done on a first date.”

Jules shook her head. “I think I was the one who embarrassed you first. I didn’t even think. You must think I’m an idiot.”

Sam shook his head, forgetting for a moment he was striving for a first date kind of thing. What he really wanted to do was lower his head and captures her lips with his own. Kiss her embarrassment and her fears away. He held back, until they arrived back home, this was a first date and kisses would have to wait. Instead, he brushed his finger against her jaw line. “You’re not an idiot. It’s a first date kind of innocence that I find incredibly intoxicating. Maybe I’m pushing it trying to think like a teenager. It has been awhile after all. We don’t have to pretend to be teenagers to enjoy the experience. It’s just you and me prepared to have a fun night. Okay?”

She nodded, smiling up at him. He winked at her and then nodded toward the clubs. “Choose your weapon.”

It wasn’t hard for Jules to find a club that was the right size for her but Sam finally had to settle for one that was a little shorter than what he would have liked. He returned to the counter and picked up a score card and one of those ridiculous little half pencils with no eraser. Jules volunteered to keep up with the score. They made their way to the first hole. 

“Rock, paper, scissors to see who putts first?” She asked. 

Sam chuckled and nodded. He counted it off and they displayed their hand weapons. Jules made a fist while Sam’s hand went flat. He covered her “rock” with his “paper” to indicate the win. 

Sam placed the lime green golf ball on the middle hole of the black tee shot and while he was kneeling down, tried to get a visual line on where the ball needed to go. Then he stood and gripped the club with both hands and took a couple of practice swings above the ball. Glancing back to where Jules was waiting to take her turn, he was glad to see her grinning and shaking her head. He turned his attention back to his club. Just before he pulled the club back to take his real swing, he wiggled his butt just a little. He was rewarded with a giggle from behind. He swung solidly, apparently forgetting he was only trying to get the ball a few feet down the Astroturf instead of down the fairway. The ball left the black mat but didn’t roll down the course as it should. Instead it launched into the air toward the next hole. Sam could do nothing but stare at it as his mind quickly calculated the trajectory and realized it was going to bean the rather large father of twin girls currently at the hole ahead of them. There was no time to shout out a warning. 

The ball hit the man square in the back before dropping innocently to the ground at his feet. The man turned to glare at Sam who was still staring horrified at the what he’d done but at the same time was having to suppress the urge to laugh. It didn’t help that Jules had turned her back on the whole scene, hiding her own laughing as tears of mirth ran down her cheeks. Sam jogged toward the man hoping he wasn’t about to be wearing a bent club over his head like a hat. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… It’s been quite awhile since I’ve played. Really, I’m so sorry, Sir. You’ve got really cute kids.” He bent down and scooped up the offending ball before returning to Jules. She was wiping the tears from her eyes and trying to compose herself. He pulled her close. “Thanks for the help there. He could have taken my head off and your standing back here laughing at me.”

That set off another round of giggles. “I think you could have handled him. Besides I kind of wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. Seriously Sam, this is miniature golf not the PGA. You don’t whack it like you want to kill it, you putt it. Want to try again? A little more gently this time?”

“I think I’d like to put a little more distance between us and that guy.” Sam suggested. “I don’t want to take any chances.”

She giggled again. “Chicken Little. Tell you what, I’ll go first so by the time you have to putt again, there’s at least a whole hole between us.”

Sam was smiling as she lined up her shot. He’d been reasonably sure that his idea would ensure that she relaxed and had a good time but hadn’t really expected her to enjoy herself quite this much. She seemed to have given herself completely over to the idea of creating a teenaged date experience. While he’d heard her laugh on a number of occasions, he didn’t think he’d actually ever heard her giggle like she’d just been doing. He quickly decided it was a sound he wanted to hear more often. 

She hit the ball solidly but without sending it flying off the course. The pink ball rolled determinedly down the Astroturf. It hit the back wall and rolled back down slowly coming to a stop about three inches from the hole. The smirk of triumph on her face was unmistakable as she lightly tapped it the rest of the way into the hole. 

“Two strokes. Top that, Braddock.”

He shook his head as he once more lined up his shot. Before swinging the club once more he checked to make sure the guy he’d hit was a good distance away. Then he swung, making sure to control the force behind the swing much better. The green ball followed almost the same trajectory as Jules’s pink but stopped right on the edge of the hole. Sam frowned and tapped it in. 

“Two for me as well.”

Jules shook her head. “Aren’t you forgetting the one that hit Mr. Muscles? That makes three strokes.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open. “Seriously? You’re going to count that?”

Jules nodded. “Oh, yeah, I’m seriously going to count that one.”

He shrugged. “Okay fine. I’ll grant you that one.”

After that, their competitive natures took over. For the first nine holes, it was a matter of each trying to line their shots up perfectly to ensure the fewest strokes and figuring out how to overcome whatever obstacle that particular hole offered. They worked with the precision needed to make a good sniper shot from a distance away. Once they reached the 10th hole however and the score was completely tied, each began to up the ante. First Jules started off by making sudden noises trying to throw off his shot. Then on the next hole which included a windmill, he waited until she made her shot before he stopped the revolving arms of the structure so the ball hit the wood and rolled back toward Jules. On that same hole Jules retaliated by putting her foot over the exit hole of the windmill so the ball was trapped inside. The antics kept up so that a serious game of golf was no longer possible. While their score going into the tenth hole had been 23, the score for the second half of the course was almost double that. Still somehow, when they reached the final hole, they were still tied 64 to 64. 

“We have to take this last one seriously.” Jules warned. Sam nodded.

“Copy that. No interference?”

“No interference. You get it in the top hole, you get to take off three strokes. You get it in the bottom hole, score stays the same. If it falls in the gutter add three strokes.”

Sam nodded. “Got it. You first.” 

Jules lined up her shot and putted carefully. The ball ran up the incline and over the edge before hitting the bottom hole.

Sam prepared and lightly shot it down making sure it landed in the gutter. He turned to look at Jules and shrugged. He took her club from her so they could return them. She narrowed her eyes at him and frowned. 

“Did you do that on purpose?”

He leaned close to her as he started to lead her back to the counter. “Important rule of teenage dating: guy always lets the girl win at miniature golf. Want to try out the go carts?”

Her eyes lit up. “Absolutely.”

There were two different courses to choose from. One was a short slick track that a simple oval. The other was the more traditional course, longer with more curves and hills. Sam bought two tickets for each track. “Which one first?”

Jules chose the traditional choice and they made their way. To Sam’s dismay the man he’d hit with the ball earlier was standing in the queue line with his daughters. When he saw Sam and Jules he glared. “I hope you can drive better than you can golf.”

Sam’s ears turned red. “Yes, sir. They routinely let me drive at work and I do a pretty good job with that. I’m really sorry about earlier.”

The man snorted and turned his back to them. Jules buried her head in the back of Sam’s shirt, once again stifling her laughter. It was on the tip of her tongue to issue a challenge but given that Sam’s new buddy was going to be on the course with them, figured it wouldn’t be the time. Even without the challenge, racing the go carts around the course was fun and each took great pride whenever they were able to pass the other. Their hijinks from earlier had to be curtailed because there were clearly posted rules against bumping. Jules ended up getting to make an extra lap because she’d just passed the exit when the red light came on. By the time she made it back around, Sam was standing on the sidewalk watching her. She parked the go cart and he helped her out of the cart. 

As they made their way toward the slick track, Jules outlined her challenge. “Okay so Daddy Grumpy shouldn’t be at this ride; his twins are too small to ride. So, how about a little wager? Fair race, no cheap tricks no pulling back. Loser gets litter box duty for a month.” 

“You’re on.” 

Only two cars at a time were allowed on the slick track so it was just the two of them competing with each other. The carts would go up to 26 miles per hour on the slick oval track. Drivers had to speed up on the straight-aways and then slide through the curves. The first car to complete twenty laps would be the winner. They asked the attendant to determine the winner. The attendant agreed, accustomed to have the request. He assured them they didn’t even have to take his word for it. A camera was set up at the finish line and would capture the photo finish. They shot out onto the track as soon as they got the green light. The race was fierce and the lead changed it seemed like every five seconds. As the final lap began, they were neck and neck. In the last curve, Sam pulled ahead and he believed he had the victory. But at the last second Jules poured on the speed and caught up with him. As they pulled back into pit road, neither was really sure who had once. They turned to the attendant who was printing out the picture. He handed it to them. Jules squealed. By millimeters only her cart just did nudge out Sam’s. 

“The only thing we haven’t done are the batting cages. Want to give them a try?”

Jules nodded. Sam bought several tokens. He went first, regularly making content with the ball sending it flying to the back of the cage. Once the last pitch had been hit, he held the gate open for Jules. She chewed her bottom lip. “I’m not sure I know what I’m doing here. You think you could give me some tips?”

Sam nodded and handed her a helmet to wear. She held the bat lightly. Before putting in the token and setting the balls in motion, Sam stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She was flush against him so he could guide her body. He placed her hands in the correct places on the back and reached back to put the token in and hit the start button. He covered her hands with his own. With each pitch, he used his body against hers to guide her into a perfect swing sending the ball flying to the back netting of the cage. Her body felt so perfect against his that he was disappointed when the last ball was pitched. Without hesitation, he leaned back and put in another token and returned to holding through another round of pitches. When that time ended, he released her and held up the final token. “Want to try it one time on your own?”

“Sure.” Jules agreed. As soon as he put the token in and pressed start, he knew he’d been had. She quickly assumed a perfect batter’s form. There was no hesitation in any of her swings as she sent ball after ball flying. The last pitch ended and she turned to look at him triumphantly as she removed the helmet. He shook his head and chuckled. 

“What happened to being unsure of what you were doing?”

Jules stepped closer to him, rising up on her tip toes so she was in kissable range. “I’m pretty sure it’s a teenage dating rule that sometimes the girl needs to let the guy know that touching is okay and wanted.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
After the batting cages, they both decided they were ready to go home where the first date could officially come to an end with the kiss Sam had been putting off all evening. Nothing was stopping them as he led her up to the front porch. He turned her toward him, one hand on the small of her back and the other running through her hair. Her hand came around his waist as his head lowered and his lips brushed innocently against hers. Immediately her lips parted offering him better access. Keeping to his idea of teenage date night, he was reluctant to deepen the kiss. Moving her hands lower, Jules slipped them under the untucked blue shirt and into the tight back pockets of Sam’s jeans, pulling him closer.

He groaned and as his own lips parted, her tongue darted out making a quick sweep of his mouth, urging him to do the same. He backed her up so that she was up against the wall, he pressed closer, not enough to make her feel trapped but to feel loved and desired. The kiss lasted longer than any father of a teenaged girl would ever allow but at last Sam pulled back. Jules smiled at him. 

“I had a really good time.” 

He smiled back at her. “Me too. Of course at this point I would let you go inside and I’d go home and probably take a cold shower.” There was a ruefulness in his voice that made him even more endearing. Jules giggled.

“That’s going to be a little hard considering you live here too and I’m planning on getting a shower myself.”

Sam considered the dilemma. “We could always conserve water and take one together.”

Jules toyed with her bottom lip and looked up at him demurely. “We could but it won’t be a cold one.”

Sam quickly unlocked the door and they entered the house. Despite what they both wanted to continue, Sam took the time to lock the front door and check the back door as well. Unlike the night before Jules didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to check and recheck everything but she did a quick lookaround to make sure everything seemed in place. Patches meowed from the entrance to the kitchen so Jules took the time give him some quick affectionate petting and refill his food bowl. Then she took Sam by the hand and led him up the stairs through the bedroom and into the bathroom. Sam closed the bathroom door and stood there looking down at Jules. 

“You sure about this?”

She nodded. “I’m sure I want to feel your body against mine even if it doesn’t go further than that right now. I’m sure any apprehension is much less than anticipation. I’m sure that if for some reason that changes to the opposite all I have to do is say the word and you’ll stop and give me space. I’m also sure that I want to shut up so you can kiss me again.”

“Copy that.” Sam whispered as his lips met hers once again. 

Her fingers fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, letting her fingers glide across his bare chest before pushing the material off his shoulders and to the floor. As her fingers reached for the button and zipper of his jeans, Sam kicked off his shoes. A couple of seconds later his jeans and underwear joined his shirt. Sam reached for her jeans but her hands stilled him. He broke off the kiss and looked at her waiting to see what she really wanted. She blushed slightly. 

“I think I need to undress myself. Is that okay?” Her voice was hesitant.

Sam nodded. “Whatever you want.” Giving her a moment to undress without him watching, he walked over to the shower and turned on the faucet, adjusting the temperature. Jules joined him a moment later and shivered as they stepped into the shower. Sam’s back was to the showerhead, taking the brunt of the spray. 

As the hot spray cascaded over them, Sam kissed her once more as Jules gripped his arms lightly. Sam carefully made sure there was enough distance between them so that she wouldn’t feel his growing arousal. She didn’t need that kind of pressure that that wasn’t what tonight was about. He broke off the kiss and reached out to grab a bath sponge that she’d pulled out from some sort of bath set someone had given her who knows how long ago that had remained unopened until she came from after the attack. He poured a generous portion of her body wash into the sponge and pressed it against her back, gently bathing her off. Both had showered before the start of the evening so it wasn’t like this shower was critical but it was something they were both realizing they needed in the moment for purposes other than cleaning. 

He brought the sponge to her front but stopped short of touching her. His eyes asked for permission and she nodded. Gently, almost reverently he ran the sponge across her chest. She whimpered and he paused. Her eyes were opened but there was almost a daze in them that said that whimper was from pleasure not fear. Her legs were quivering so he pressed her against the shower wall so that it was supporting her. He continued to run the sponge over her chest, make sure that only the soft material touched her. Then he dropped the sponge as he moved forward to kiss her once more. 

Without being aware he was doing so, he pressed closer to her, his erection brushing against her. Immediately she tensed. Sam felt the change immediately and stepped back. He cupped her head in his hands. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I can’t control the way my body reacts to you, to this. But I can and will control anything that happens. This is enough of this for now. You finish your shower and I’ll wait for you in the bedroom.”

“But...” Jules started to protest but Sam silenced her with a kiss. 

“It’s okay. I told you, we’ll kiss all you want. That’s as far as it needs to go tonight.”

He kissed her again and then stepped out of the shower. He toweled off and slipped his boxers back on. Stepping into the bedroom, he pulled a pair of shorts and a t-shirt out for Jules and carried them into the bathroom. She was already out and toweling off herself. Without a word he offered her the clothes and returned to the bedroom. By the time he’d slipped into his sweat pants she had joined him. He led her to the bed and pulled back the covers. 

She laid down and looked up at him expectantly. Before he joined her, he picked up one of those silly throw pillows that usually spent more time on the floor than on the bed. He used it as a barrier between her and his still growing arousal. Like he told her, he couldn’t control the effect she had on his body but he could make sure that it didn’t frighten her. He wrapped one leg over her own and pulled her in close to him. Once again his lips met hers. And as he promised her, he kissed her until she had no choice but to surrender to a sleep that felt secure and protected from demons.


	40. Chapter 40

The sky outside hadn’t even begun to lighten in anticipation of sunrise when Sam found himself slowly transitioning from sleeping to waking. His arms instinctively tightened around Jules and he nuzzled his face deeper into her hair trying to slip back into sleep. That desire stopped at the sound of the soft sigh that escaped Jules’s lips. He opened his eyes and lifted his head so he could see her face. She was still asleep, her face relaxed and peaceful. A smile tugged at the corners of her very kissable mouth.

As he thought about just how kissable that mouth was, the desire to sleep disappeared. He couldn’t help but count their date the night before as a categorical first class success, even if he was going to have to clean the litter box for a solid month. It was worth it to know that he’d been able to give Jules back at least a small portion of what she’d missed out on in her younger years. 

“You going to just stare at me or are you going to kiss me?” Jules murmured sleepily, her eyes still closed. 

“You’re wish is my command.” Sam assured her before capturing her mouth with his. He pulled her closer to him as the kisses picked up right where they’d left off when she drifted off to sleep the night before. 

She was smiling broadly by the time they broke apart. She raised an eyebrow. “My wish is your command? That’s a lot of power you’re giving me there. Just saying.”

Sam sat up against the headboard, pulling Jules up with him, still holding her close. “I trust you to use it only for good. Did you sleep well? Pleasant dreams?”

She nodded. “Yeah, but nothing as great as the real thing. Did I even thank you for last night?”

Sam leaned down and kissed her once more. “Yes, but you don’t have to. I’m glad you had a good time.”

Jules twisted in his arms so she was hovering over him. “Trust me it was a lot more than just a good time. Everything about it was absolutely perfect and what made it that way was not just the fun we had but knowing you planned all that just for me. Seriously Sam. There was absolutely no way last night should have been anything close to even bearable after everything that happened. Yet you made it so I didn’t even think about anything other that what was going on in the moment.”

“Then a month of cleaning the litter box is a small price to pay. Maybe we should consider getting one of those automatic ones that does the sweep after the cat does his business.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we could do that but unfortunately for you they haven’t invented one that will also then dispose of the tray the stuff gets dumped into so you’d still have to do some work. Just saying.”

“I think I’ve read something somewhere that you can train a cat to use a toilet. Maybe we should consider that.” It wasn’t that Sam was that opposed to cleaning the litter box out but he continued his protests cause he could tell it was amusing Jules. 

“Yeah, right. Two problems with that. One, Patches won’t climb the stairs beyond that third step. Makes it a little had for him to reach the bathroom. Second, I can’t even train you to keep the seat down how the hell are we supposed to teach Patches to use the toilet without falling in? Suck it up Braddock”

Sam chuckled. “Yes, Ma’am. You know what, I never got back to asking you how it went visiting your dad. I kind of got the feeling something was wrong.”

“I told him what happened. I didn’t want to; I just wasn’t sure his heart was strong enough yet. But he knew something was up. I’d forgotten there as a reason we never let Peter and James in on secrets until the last possible moment. He was even worried I might be pregnant; he was ready to string you up for knocking me up.”

Sam grimaced. “How’d he take it?”

“I’m not sure. He was upset but supportive. But I kind of got the idea he was holding something back, like he was trying to protect me from seeing his real reaction.”

“Does that surprise you? You are his baby girl after all.”

Jules rolled her eyes at the reference to her being a baby girl. “36 remember?”

“Easy tiger. That just means he’s had 36 years of you being his baby. You’ll still be his baby when you are 63 and he’s…” Sam trailed off realizing he didn’t really know how old her father was. “his age.”

“Yeah, I know. As much as I would love to stay here in bed with you all day, I guess we should get ready for work. After the hard time we were giving Ed last night he would so rag us if we were late.”

Sam liked the idea of staying in bed with her as well but she wasn‘t going to have it. She stretched up for a quick kiss before slipping out of the bed. Sam watched as she gathered her clothes. He expected her to take them into the bathroom to change into after she showered. In the last couple of days, he’d lost track of the number of showers she’d taken. He knew it was a normal reaction and he hadn’t said anything. 

He was surprised then when she slipped her shorts down and started to dress in front of him. Her back was to him and he was glad because he couldn’t help but stare at her. His breath caught in his throat and his heart rate sped up. It wasn’t just the sight of her baring her beautifully toned body for him to see, although there was no denying the effect it was having on another part of his body. It wasn’t even the fact that she was dressing in front of him. It was the _way_ she was doing it that had him mesmerized.

He knew her too well, could tell exactly what she was thinking by looking at the way she carried herself, heard every nuance of emotion in her voice when she spoke. Sometimes he thought he knew when she was upset even before she even realized that she was. Every since the drug started to release it’s hold on her, he’d felt the uneasiness in her whenever she was undressed even when she was completely alone in the room. But right now in this moment he couldn’t see sign that she felt anything less than completely comfortable in her own skin. He took it as a positive sign. 

He didn’t delude himself; one relaxing night playing mini golf and racing go-karts around a course was going to fix everything. But for the moment she was okay and he’d take all those moments he could get. As she pulled her tank top over her head, she glanced back at him. “You going to stay in bed all morning?”

He threw back the covers. “Nope, I’m up.” 

As he slipped out of the bed, he couldn’t help but feel like it was going to be a great day.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
His prediction held true as they finished their morning routines and left the house together. Even the morning commute seemed to be on their side as the normally bustling traffic seemed lighter than usual. Jules parked the jeep and they headed up the stairs to the barn. Sam had even noticed that Jules only slightly tensed up in the stairwell when a door opened above them. Trying not to be obvious, Sam placed a hand on the small of her back as they ascended the stairs and she seemed to relax almost immediately. He didn’t even mind that Spike grinned at him and asked how the plans had gone the night before. He seriously didn’t think anything could bother him.

And then Jules didn’t appear for the briefing. Everyone else had gathered around the table and her absence was extremely conspicuous. Greg frowned and looked to Sam as if expecting the younger man to know what was wrong. Sam shrugged. He’d seen Jules disappear into the locker room as he went in to his but he couldn’t figure out what was keeping her. He didn’t want to be worried; being worried would mean that he doubted what his eyes and mind had told him all morning. 

“Sam, would you mind?” Greg nodded toward the locker room, giving Sam permission to go in and check on her. 

Sam nodded and left the briefing room. He found Jules just standing in front of her locker staring at the contents of the top shelf. She was still wearing her civilian clothes. Her body was shaking ever so slightly and Sam didn’t think she’d heard him come in despite the fact that he’d knocked to alert her to his presence. 

“Jules?” He tried again. He was standing behind her trying to see if there was something in her locker that would explain her sudden distress. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. She didn’t respond and he took her gently by the arms turning her towards him. “Jules, Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“I know how he got in.” Her voice was strong and didn’t betray the same nervousness that her body was. 

Sam sucked in his breath. There was no doubt in his mind who the “he” and the where she was referring to. “How?”

She turned back to her locker and picked up her keys which she’d set on the top shelf along with her other personal belongings. “No forced entry so he had to have used a key but you and I have the only two and they are always with us. Except while we are at work and we leave them in our lockers. What if Johnny got into either of our lockers one day and made an impression? What if the day of the attack isn’t the only time he’s been in the house? He could have been in the house watching us as we slept..”

She grew even paler as she trailed off suddenly and pushed past him, disappearing into the bathroom. He started to follow her but stopped at the sound of her retching. He slapped at the wall and then leaned against it breathing heavily. How had the perfect day gone so wrong so fast? He glanced back at the locker. Was it possible? Could they have given Dawson the perfect opportunity to hurt Jules?

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that the rest of the team was standing in the entrance and it was clear they’d heard Jules’s speculation. Greg glanced at Spike. “Spike, can you pull the CCTV logs for the floor for the last couple of weeks. I know there would be a lot of activity but we could take turns scanning them for any sign…”

Spike shook his head. Sam’s jaw rocked and he turned away from their friends and followed Jules into the bathroom to check on her. He stood outside the stall until he heard her flush and then waited until she opened the door. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. One hand rubbed her back. He needed to reassure her but wasn’t sure any of his words would be effective. Then he decided to go with her words instead. 

“Jules, Sweetheart. You said it yourself. If he had come in during the night and found us sleeping and defenseless he would have attacked then. Drugged us both and made me watch. The fact that he didn’t should reassure you that it didn’t happen. Besides, Johnny works the night shift. He couldn’t be in the house while we were asleep.”

It was a thought that had occurred to him the day before after dropping Jules off at the hospital. His earlier feelings of guilt had started to rise again and it wasn’t until he’d checked the custodial schedule and realized that Dawson hadn’t missed any nights of work since he’d transferred to the night shift that the guilt had subsided again.

Jules sniffled. “What if he planted cameras or something? I don’t know if he has the computer skills to do so but he’s had twenty years in prison to pick up tips from other inmates. He’d certainly get off watching us make love. His own twisted form of pornography.” Her paled skin turned a little green but she didn’t flee back into the stall.

He cupped her face. “Jules, listen, whether Johnny has computer skills or not we know someone who’s the best. I bet Spike could check the house for any signs of cameras. If there are any I bet he’ll be able to trace them back to who planted them and then we can arrest Johnny. Okay? Please don’t let this get to you until we know if it’s even possible. Right now it’s just a theory. Okay?”

She nodded and let him lead her out of the bathroom to where the others were still standing. Sam looked at Spike. “Can you check to see if there are any cameras planted in the house?”

“Sure, easy. But it’s probably not necessary. You didn’t give me a chance to finish earlier when you asked me if I could check to see if it was possible for Dawson to get a copy of your key while they were in your locker. I didn’t shake my head because the answer was no but because there was no need to check. Dawson hasn’t been back on this floor since that first day he worked and neither of you were at work then for him to have gotten a key then.”

Jules looked at him, her eyes hopeful. “Are you sure?”

“How can you be sure?” Sam added at the same time. 

Spike nodded. He could understand their uncertainty. “Okay, after he left that package for Jules I didn’t want to take any chances of it happening again. So I added a few safety guards on the CCTV system on this floor. It takes a still of every person entering SRU and runs it through a program I created. A facial recognition is done on the still. If it automatically eliminates any still that matches someone with legitimate access to SRU. The ones that don’t match are dumped into a file that I’ve been checking twice a day. As an added bonus, if facial recognition gets even a 75% match to Dawson I get an automatic alert sent to my PDA. Since I set up the program, there have been absolutely no alerts on Dawson and I’ve been able to verify the legitimacy of every person logged in the file.”

The sheer enormity of what Spike had done for her, just because her uncle was once more on the scene brought fresh tears to Jules’s eyes. She stepped away from Sam to cross to where Spike was standing. She kissed his cheek. “I can’t believe you went to all that trouble for me. Thanks.”

Spike blushed. “Yeah well, I figured it was better safe than sorry. I didn’t say anything because I hoped it wouldn’t be necessary. We all care too much about you to take any chances. Considering I came up bust on breaking Dawson’s alibi, I’m glad I can offer you this assurance. Or maybe not since it puts us straight back to square one figuring out how your attacker got in.”

Sam joined them, his hand lightly on Jules’s shoulder. She leaned against him and smiled at Spike. “It means a lot. Seriously. Sorry I freaked everyone out. I guess I should get changed.”

“Take your time.” Greg urged her. “We don’t have anything pressing going on today so we’re in no hurry.”

She nodded and turned back to her locker. The rest of the team filed out but Sam strayed in the doorway watching her for a moment longer. He wasn’t surprised to see her take a towel and her bath soap from the second shelf of her locker. Wasn’t surprised but still disheartened to realize she was going for the shower she’d felt safe enough not to take just a few hours earlier. He lowered his head and left the locker room. 

Ed was waiting for him just outside. He handed Sam a small white card. “I know Spike just proved that Dawson didn’t get a copy of your keys but you might still want this.”

Sam looked at the offered card. It was for a local locksmith. Ed continued. “Getting the locks changed might make you both feel better. Obviously not knowing how he got in is bothering Jules but I’m betting you’ve been wracking your brain trying to figure it out as much. What harm could it do just to take a few precautions?”

Sam looked at Ed, an eyebrow raised. “You just happen to carry cards for locksmiths in your wallet?”

Ed chuckled. “About two months after the baby was born, while I was still recovering from my gun shot wound, our next door neighbor had a break-in. It freaked Sophie out more than just a little, especially since our neighbor had a key to our house for emergencies. After a couple of sleepless nights that had nothing to do with a new baby, I knew I had to do something to make her feel safe. I had our locks changed. That’s the guy who did it. He’s good.”

Sam shook his head and handed the card back. “Thanks but I don’t think so.”

Ed shrugged. “Couldn’t hurt.”

“I know and I think you are right about changing the locks. But there is no way Jules would ever agree to pay someone to do it. In fact, you’d better not tell her you paid someone to change your locks. Her feelings will be hurt that you didn’t ask her to do it for you. You know how she likes her projects. Maybe that’s what she needs. We’re off the next two days, changing the locks would give her something productive to do and give her a way to feel like she’s taking control of the situation. You’re just a fount of great ideas lately.”

“Glad to help.” Ed replied sincerely. Then he smirked. “I take it the date idea went over well? I swear you two looked like a couple of teenagers caught about to make out last night.”

Sam chuckled and blushed slightly. “Yeah it went well. And that’s all I’m saying.”

“Wouldn’t expect otherwise.” 

The remaining of the morning passed without incident. Ed put them through their paces with several training drills. As they were finishing lunch, Winnie appeared in the doorway of the briefing room. “Jules, Detective Gray‘s on the phone for you.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Jules set her drink cup back on the table and stood. If the SCU detective was calling her at work, was that a good or a bad thing? She followed Winnie to the desk and picked up the phone. “Callaghan.”

She listened to what the detective had to say, then thanked her stiffly. As she returned the receiver to the base, she turned to face Sam who had joined her. She shrugged. “She wanted to give me an update. They’ve questioned all the instructors at the anger management seminar Johnny claims to have been at. All the instructors warned that they had seen too many people that night to accurately identify each person who attended. Two of the instructors however specifically remembered Johnny being there because he approached them with questions. Detective Gray said she knew we were really thought that Johnny was responsible for attacking me but given the positive ID and the computer keycard verifying his alibi they had no choice but to eliminate him as a suspect.”

Sam frowned and pulled her to him. He could feel her disappointment and frustration. “So where does that leave them?”

Jules sighed. “Since Johnny was the only real suspect, pretty much nowhere. She was real apologetic and said they would keep the file open but without anything more to go one, she didn’t think they would find out much more.”

“Damn.” Sam swore softly. Then he felt her stiffen in his arms before pulling away from him. 

“What the hell? What are you doing here?”

Sam followed her gaze, ready to fight if it was Johnny. It wasn’t but the actual person was just as perplexing. Jack Callaghan had stepped out of the elevator and was walking toward them. 

“Is that any way to greet your father?” 

Jules’s eyes narrowed. “When he should still have his ass in a hospital bed recovering from bypass surgery? Hell yes.”

Jack raised his eyebrow. “Such language. I think we established the other day that I can still take you over my knee.”

“Jack, good to see you.” Greg had left the briefing room when he saw Jack come in. He shook hands with him. “Jules didn’t tell us you were getting out of the hospital so soon.”

“That’s because he wasn’t. The doctor had said two or three days. What happened?”

He waved off her concern. “I didn’t need them fussing over me any more. I’m fine. No sense paying them for an uncomfortable bed and bad food. I signed myself out AMC or whatever.”

Jules shook her head. “Don’t. Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what you did. You signed out AMA -- against medical advice. Instead of listening to the doctors who know what you need and how to take care of you -- the doctors who saved your life, you decide you know more than the experts and throw away everything they were doing for you? Well, that’s just great. Like I don’t have enough to worry about now I’ve got to worry about you doing stupid stunts like this?”

Greg had worked with Jack enough to know that Jules came about her stubbornness and tenacity quite honestly. This was going to get explosive. “Why don’t the two of you go into the briefing room and discuss this. Jack probably shouldn’t be on his feet that much.”

“Like he cares about what’s good for him.” Jules grumbled but led the way into the briefing room. Sam, Greg, and her father followed her but Ed, Spike, and Raf had discreetly made themselves scarce. “Seriously Dad. You’ve got to listen to what the doctors tell you.”

Settled in a chair, Jack suddenly looked years older. “I plan on it, Jules. It’s just that after you left yesterday I couldn’t shake what you told me. I wasn’t there when Johnny hurt you the first time and I wasn’t there to protect you this time either. I know you don’t think you need protecting but I’m your father and there’s not going to be a day that goes by that I don’t worry about something happening to you. The thought that that little rat bastard had gotten his hands on you again kept eating away at me to the point I couldn’t stand it.”

His voice quavered a little as he spoke. “When the doctor made his rounds this morning, I asked about him releasing me. Told him my family needed me. He said he’d consider releasing me in a few days, said my family needed me healthy first and foremost. I told him that that wasn’t good enough and that I was leaving whether he liked it or not.”

Jules didn’t take her eyes off him. “Dad, he’s right. I’m okay or I’m getting there at least. I don’t want you risking your health because of me. Surely you know that.”

“To be honest, the only thing that was going through my mind was the fact that nobody was going to hurt my baby girl and get away with it. I checked out of the hospital, called a cab, gave the cab driver the address for Kennington House. I was going to hunt that little shit down and make sure he wasn’t capable of ever laying a hand on you or any woman ever again. I sat in that cab for about ten minutes after he pulled up but I couldn’t get out. I kept thinking about you telling me that you didn’t want me getting in trouble. I couldn’t do that to you. So I had the cab driver bring me here.”

Jules wiped at the tear that ran down her cheek. “You should have had him take you back to the hospital because that’s where I’m taking you.”

Jack shook his head. “No, Jules. I’m not going back. I’ll follow all of the doctor’s recommendation but I need to know that I can be here if you need me. I need to be able to know I can help protect you if needed. I can’t do that from a hospital bed. I’m your father and I need to do this. If I can’t, you might as well go ahead and bury me now.”

Jules looked at Sam who nodded. He reached out and squeezed her hand. “I get where he’s coming from Babe. How about a little compromise here? Jack can stay with us for a few days. That way he can keep an eye on you and you can make sure he’s okay.” 

Jules knew when she was outnumbered. “Okay, we’ll try it. But I swear, the first sign that you’re not doing well, we take you to the emergency room. And you will stay even if we have to restrain you.”

A slow smile flit across Jack’s face. “It’s a deal.”

Greg reached out to squeeze Jules’s shoulder. “Why don’t you and Sam take Jack to your place and get him settled. Take one of the SUVs in case we get a call out.”

Jules thanked him and the three of them headed out of the briefing room. In deference to her father’s health, she agreed to the elevator. 

The ride home was relatively quiet other than Jules suggesting that after work, they could go by her father’s place and pick up what he would need. In no time, Sam pulled into the driveway. 

Jules looked at her father. “Sam and I will have to get back to work so we won’t be able to say long. Can I trust you to take it easy on the couch while we’re gone? Watch TV or something?”

“I promise.” Jack agreed.

“You probably will end up with some company before too long. The kitten thinks anyone who remains stationary for any length of time is doing so just to provide him with a place to curl up and sleep.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Like I haven’t seen you pluck him off the third step and reposition him on your chest when you sit down to watch television.”

Sam opened the front door and held it open as Jules and her father entered. She stiffened and looked around almost frantically, her hand going for her gun. Sam frowned.

“Jules?”

“He’s been here again. I can smell his aftershave.” She looked around but nothing seemed out of place. Then she looked at the table next to the stairs. She pointed to it. Sam followed her gaze and nodded. Reaching in his pocket for a handkerchief he used it as he picked up the frame photograph that was lying face down on the table. The glass had been smashed and it was clear that it hadn’t occurred when it had fallen. Someone had shattered the glass on purpose. 

“Dad, stay put.” Jules ordered as she and Sam lapsed into their training. Sam turned on his radio and called for backup. Their guns at the ready, they silently checked out the first floor of the house. Nothing else seemed out of place. They communicated silently, Sam pointing to the stairs and Jules nodding. At the top of the stairs they made quick searches of the bedroom to find nothing wrong. Glancing up, Jules noticed that the attic door was slightly ajar, like it had been opened recently and not fully closed shut again. She pointed to it and the time Sam nodded. Slowly he reached up and pulled the string that would lower the door. Jules had her gun pointed up the stairs. Once the ladder was fully down, while Jules was still covering him, Sam started up. Jules followed up behind him. There was no sign of anyone in the attic either but Sam’s eyes were drawn immediately to the small window that looked out over the back yard. It was wide open. He started toward it when he heard Jules gasp. He turned around to see her kneeling on the floor next to a box. As he went to her side he realized what had upset her. He said a silent prayer that the small ball of gray and brown fur lying so still wasn’t really what he thought it was.


	41. Chapter 41

“No, not again. Please, not again. I’m sorry. So sorry.” Jules’s hand hovered just above Patches as a sob burst from her. She sat down hard on the floor, not able to support herself. 

Sam holstered his weapon and eased down beside her to put his hand on the kitten. To his relief, the body was warm, maybe too warm. And he could feel a tiny heart beating rapidly beneath his fingers. He let out the breath he didn‘t realize he‘d been holding. “Jules, he’s alive. As hot as it is up here, I’d say heat exhaustion. We need to get him cooled off and then to the vet. Let’s get him downstairs.”

Jules stared at him dumbly for a moment, not really registering what he was saying. Knowing he didn’t have to time to reassure her, he scooped the small body up in his hands and climbed down the ladder as quickly as he could. He could hear Jules following him but wasn’t sure if she’d comprehended that the cat was alive or was simply following to be close. He raced to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, making sure that the water was tepid, knowing that straight cold water would cause more harm than good. He placed the limp body in the sink and let the water wash over him. He was encouraged when he saw the little pink tongue darting out drinking the water as it poured down.

“That’s it, drink all you want.” He could see Jules through the mirror; she was standing in the doorway, her face pale and desperate for answers. He nodded. “I think he’s going to be okay. I think we got to him in time. Come see, it’ll make you feel better.”

On faltering legs, she stepped closer. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, see he’s even drinking. That’s a good sign. We should take him to the vet though. We both know that heat exhaustion, whether for animals or humans is bad.”

Greg appeared in the bedroom. “You two okay?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah but there’s an open window in the attic. I know it needs to be checked out but we need to get the kitten…”

“Go, both of you. Take Jack with you. The rest of us will handle things here. We‘ll keep in contact via the coms.” Greg offered without hesitation. Sam nodded his thanks. Jules grabbed both a hand towel from the rack and wet it down as well. Sam took it from her and wrapped it around the kitten to keep him cool and then accepted the bath towel she handed him as well. By now Jules was able to take a wrapped Patches in her hands and follow Sam down the stairs. Jack followed them out to the vehicle as Sam explained what was going on. 

Without hesitation, he turned on the emergency lights to cut through traffic without incident. Beside him Jules was softly crooning to the kitten who was still lethargic in her lap. Jack was sitting in the back seat behind Jules, his large hand gripping her shoulder reassuringly. Sam was glad he was there to help comfort Jules because he needed to keep his own hands on the wheel and his eyes focused on the road.

Sam pulled into the closest space to the door and turned off the lights and the vehicle. They raced inside and told the nurse at the desk what they knew. Sam thought Jules was going to protest when the nurse tried to take Patches from her. He pulled her to him as the nurse raced into the back. 

“I can’t lose him too. I can’t. It’s not fair. He didn’t do anything. He’s going to be okay, right? He has to.”

“Easy baby girl. The doctors will take care of him.” Jack offered as Sam led Jules to the waiting room chairs. 

“How could someone do something so cruel to a helpless animal?”

Sam rubbed her arms. “Jules, we don’t know that he was intentionally locked up there. Maybe Patches got there by accident…”

“Right Sam. He suddenly decided today of all days to venture beyond the third step all the way up to the second floor. Then like that wasn’t enough, he climbed the wall and jumped over to the attic cord and pulled that heavy door down and then climbed those steps to get in the attic and pulled the door up with him at the same time. Yeah, sure he’s going to be freaking fine because he must be a freaking super hero.”

Jack shot Sam a look. He knew his daughter. She only got that snippy when she was really upset. He also knew there was no reasoning with her until she calmed down. “Did you see any sign of anyone?”

Sam shook his head. “There was a window open but no sign of anyone.”

The doctor stepped out from the back and came to them. “I just wanted to give you a quick update because I know how worried you are. Definitely heat exhaustion. His temperature when I first checked it was 103 but I imagine it was higher than that when you found him given his heart rate and lethargy. You did a great job getting him cooled off and probably saved his life.”

Jules gripped Sam’s arm almost painfully. “Will he be okay?”

The doctor nodded. “I think so. He’s still in rough shape. I’ve got him on IV fluids that will continue to help him cool off and rehydrate him. We’ll monitor him and keep a check his temperature. I need to get back to him but like I said, I wanted to give you some hope. As soon as we get him a little more stable I’ll let you see him.”

Sam thanked the doctor. Jack reached over and squeezed Jules’s hand. “See, he’s okay.”

“That’s not what the doctor said. He said rough shape.”

Jules shot out of Sam’s arms and began to pace. Remembering his own need to pace while waiting for word on how Jules was after the attack, he didn’t say anything. She stopped mid-pace and as Sam looked at her, he realized her fear was slowly being replaced with anger. She shook her head. “Damn it. It has to be Johnny. Who else would use Patches to get to me? No, this was a message. He’s trying to tell me I’m not safe. The broken picture, leaving the attic door ajar so we’d know to look there, leaving Patches up there so I’d find him dead…”

“He’s not dead, Jules.” Sam reminded her. “He’s going to be okay. You heard the doctor. We got to him in time.”

“But what if we hadn’t come home when we did? We should have been on shift for at least another three hours. Would have probably been four before we got home. By then Patches wouldn’t have stood a chance. He meant for him to die. At least when he killed Boxer it was probably quick and painless but this… what a horrible way to kill a living creature.”

Sam got up and pulled her close. She was right, had they gotten home when they usually would have, it would have been too late. She looked past him to where her father was still sitting. She sniffled. “I’m sorry I gave you a hard time earlier. It’s thanks to you that Patches is still alive.”

Jack gave her a wink but didn’t say anything. Jules allowed Sam to lead her back to the chairs and she sat between them as they waited for the doctor to emerge once again. After a few minutes Jack shook his head. “The former cop in me keeps thinking about this and it doesn’t make sense. Why would Johnny risk it? Considering it’s a matter of transcript that he killed Boxer all those years ago, why risk that suspicion by doing something to another kitten? I’m not saying he didn’t, but it doesn’t make sense to me. He might be a psychotic little shit but he’s not stupid either.”

Jules leaned back in her seat. “Because suspicion doesn’t prove anything. His alibi is airtight for the attack; SCU isn’t considering him a suspect anymore. He feels safe but he wants to make sure I don’t. He wants me to know he’s still out there and that he can get to me if not directly then through others.” She turned to look at her father. “I’ve changed my mind. You can’t stay with us. I don’t want you to be a target. Call James or Peter and stay with them.” Seeing that he was about to protest, Jules pressed on. “I get that you want to protect me and I love you for it. But the best way you can do that right now is staying save so I don’t have to worry about you. Please, do this for me. I’ll be fine; he’s not going to hurt me any more. At least not physically. I’m not going to let him. But if he hurts you any more than he already has, then I’ll…”

Jack put his finger to her mouth silencing her. “Okay, I get it. I’ll call them. I don’t like it but I understand where you are coming from.”

She smiled her thanks to him and he stood up to walk to the door to make the call. Jules turned to Sam but as she opened her mouth to speak he shook his head.

“Forget it. I’m not going anywhere. I get that you are worried about your dad because of his heart but I can take care of myself. And there’s no way in hell I’m leaving you to face all this alone.”

She smiled. “I actually wasn’t going to suggest otherwise. Call me selfish but I need you with me more than I can admit. I was going to say that we call Wordy and see if he and Shelly would mind cat sitting again. I don’t want to take any chances that we might not be so lucky next time.”

Sam nodded. “As soon as we hear what the doctor has to say. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to keep Patches overnight for observation.”

Jack returned. “Peter wasn’t any happier to hear I checked myself out of the hospital than you were and he’s even less happy to hear what happened at your house. But he’s on his way here to pick me up. I’ll stay with him as I recuperate. Jules, I want you to listen to me and listen good. I should have recognized long ago that Johnny was a sick bastard. But I didn’t and because of that you were hurt and your mother was murdered. But I’m telling you jail and twenty years have made him a psychotic sadist. You’ve got to be careful. I wouldn’t put anything past him. He’s dangerous.”

The he cut his eyes over to Sam. “Promise me you’ll do everything you can to protect her. She’s my baby girl and I couldn’t take it if anything happened to her.”

Sam nodded. “With my life if I have to.”

“Let’s hope it won’t come to that.” Jules inserted firmly.

It took another thirty minutes before the vet came back. He smiled at them. “I looks like Patches will be fine. Preliminary blood tests all look fine and his temperature is almost back to normal. He’s still a little lethargic but I anticipate a full recovery. I’d like to keep him overnight just to keep an eye on him but you should be able to take him home tomorrow.”

Jules looked relieved. “Can we see him?”

He nodded. “Sure, I’ll warn you, he looks a lot worse than he is. I’m going to keep him on an IV for a few more hours to make sure he’s fully hydrated, so there’s a bandage around his leg holding it in place. I just don’t want it to scare you when you see him.”

Jules nodded and stood. Sam tugged her hand. “I’ll join you in a second. I want to check in with the rest of the team.”

She nodded and followed the doctor in to the back. Patches was lying on the middle of a metal exam table. A nurse smiled at her as she approached but Jules didn’t even notice. Her eyes were only on the small helpless kitten. She brushed her fingers over the soft fur which still felt a little damp from the soaking they’d given him trying to cool him down. He lifted his head over so slightly and gave a quiet mew. 

“Hey there. You gave us a hell of a scare; you know that don’t you? Thanks for holding on til we found you. I’m so sorry you got hurt but I promise you I’m going to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. I don’t want you to be scared tonight because you’re going to have to spend the night here so the doctor can take care of you. He’s probably going to make you stay in a cage but that’s okay cause you need to take it easy tonight anyway.”

Patches mewed again and lifted one of his front paws toward her. Jules grinned at him and took the paw between her thumb and forefinger to give it a shake. “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. I swore after Boxer that I wouldn’t love another animal again. But somehow you wormed your way into my heart anyway.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.” Sam whispered in her ear. He reached out and rubbed the cat’s fur gently. Considering how pitiful the kitten had looked at the house, Sam was encouraged by his appearance now. Then he looked at Jules. “Babe, I’m sorry but Sarge wants us to get back to the house, they’ve found some things they want us to see.”

Jules nodded and looked back at the doctor. “Are you sure he’s going to be okay?”

The doctor nodded. “He’ll be fine. Someone will be checking on him throughout the night and if there are any changes we’ll let you know. Heat exhaustion can be a dangerous thing but it looks like he escaped the worst of effects. Try not to worry.”

Yeah, like that was going to happen with everything that was going on. Jules followed Sam back out to the waiting room. She looked at Sam, slightly worried. “Where’s my dad?”

“Peter arrived to pick him up. They were going to wait but he was looking a little tired so I recommended that Peter go ahead and take him home. Don’t worry about him; Peter’s going to make sure he takes it easy. He’ll call and check on you later.”

Jules waited until they were back in the SUV and heading to the house before looking over at Sam. “Did Boss say what they’d found?”

He shook his head. “No, I just hope whatever it was, it’s enough to put that bastard away.”

Jules didn’t answer. She didn’t want to come across sounding pessimistic or defeated but she was starting to wonder if it was possible. Everything that had happened in the last couple of days had been done with such care that she wasn’t sure Johnny would ever pay for his crimes. Despite the lack of evidence, she couldn’t believe that he wasn’t behind the attack or what happened to Patches. She was a cop though; she knew there as a vast difference between believing and proving. The first didn’t matter if there wasn’t enough of the second. 

Sam reached over and took her hand in his own and gave it a squeeze. He couldn’t be sure where her thoughts were taking her but he hated that the day that had started off so perfect had gone so downhill. 

At the house, Ed met them before they got halfway up the walk. He gave Jules a quick hug. “How’s Patches?”

The fact that he remembered the kitten’s name was more of a testament to how often Jules (and sometimes even Sam) had shared stories about the feline since the couple had gotten him than his ability to remember the names of the pets his co-workers had. He’d even joked at one point that she had more Patches stories than he had about his own daughter. She’d given him a blistering look but had bitten back whatever smartass answer she’d been about to say -- and he had no doubt that it was a completely smartass comment.

Sam nodded toward the house. “What did you find?”

The three walked in together as Ed explained. “The good news is we’re now pretty sure we know how the assailant got in the other day. The latch on that attic window is broken. The subject apparently set up a ladder at the back of the house and climbed up to the attic window. He pushed it open and climbed in. We found a few pieces of evidence that indicate the man who assaulted Jules had been up there.”

“What?” Sam asked quietly. 

Ed hesitated, cutting his eyes over to Jules. It was obvious he didn’t want to mention the items with her standing there.

Jules felt herself getting irritated. “Damn it, Ed, just tell us.”

“A pair of unused latex gloves, a condom still in the wrapper-- the same type of wrapper that was found under the coffee table the day of the attack, but probably the most damning of all was a drug vial. We’ve sent it for testing but we’re pretty sure it’s the same drug that Jules was given.”

Sam pulled Jules close to his side. He could kick himself; the other night when he‘d checked the attic to appease Jules he‘d only glanced around. He didn‘t remember seeing the window open but he hadn‘t looked that closely either. “So that settles how he got in. Anything that proves it was Dawson?”

Ed sighed. “No. No sign of fingerprints or DNA. We’re still at a dead-end there.”

“So he’s come in that way at least twice. The day of the attack and today. It’s the only way Patches got up there. What did he have in mind?” Sam mused.

“Same thing I said earlier.” Jules insisted. “He’s telling me this isn’t over. That he can get to me any time he wants to. But he’s wrong. Today was the last time he’s getting in here.”

“What do you have in mind?” Sam asked quietly.

“As soon as our shift ends, we’re stopping by Lowes. I’m getting a replacement window that has a good lock on it. I’m also getting a slide lock for the attic door. He’s messed with me for the last time.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“What’s taking so long? You promised that if I helped you, you would take care of my problem. Well, I helped you, but my problem is still walking around. What happened to all that squid so grow or whatever?”

Johnny Dawson closed his eyes to prevent the eye roll from being seen. If things had worked out differently he would be surrounded by intelligent people, people worthy of his company. Not simpletons like the person pacing back and forth in front of him currently. Of course, lots of things should be different. He shouldn’t be staying in a halfway house forced to clean toilets for a living. Instead he should have a nice house and a successful career. A beautiful woman waiting for him when he came home at night. Not just any beautiful woman but the one who had filled his dreams for the last twenty years. He felt himself harden at the idea of greeting the tiny brunette with a searing kiss each and every night before leading her straight to the bedroom where she’d undress for him and he could take his time making her scream out his name in pleasure leaving his mark on her where and whenever he felt the urge. 

“Are you even listening to me?” The man with him complained. “When are you going to take care of my problem?”

“Be patient. These things take time. We can’t afford to be sloppy. If he mysteriously turns up dead then the police will start investigating who could be responsible. Given your history, you would be a reasonable suspect. I don’t think you want the police questioning you about it, do you?”

“You know I don’t. That’s why I agreed to help you.”

Johnny smiled. “Then trust me. Very soon your problem will occupying a slab in the city morgue and you’ll never be suspected. I’ve made sure of that.”

The man shook his head, obviously uneasy. “How?”

Johnny frowned. “The less you know the better. Just know that I’ve got the perfect deadly weapon in place and ready to be used. A virtual ticking time bomb waiting for the perfect trigger. It’s only a matter of time before it goes off and I plan on making sure your problem is the only target.”

“And I won’t owe you anything else? I mean it seems like what you are doing for me is much bigger than what I did for you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Taking care of your problem eliminates one of my own.” And once the problem was eliminated, it was only a matter of time before he was able to have the woman he wanted without anyone interfering.


	42. Chapter 42

Jules stood in front of the open window in the attic. She was staring into her backyard, her thoughts tumbling around in her head. She knew that Sam and Greg were behind her talking but she wasn’t even trying to pay attention to what they were saying. When she was moving into the house, she’d been in and out of the attic quite regularly, awkwardly managing the ladder while lugging box after box of things she wanted to store in case she ever decided she needed it. After that the most she ever went into the attic was usually twice a year. The first weekend in November to pull down all the Christmas decorations that lived in the boxes closest to the entrance and then the second week in January to return them to storage. The rest of the year she tended to forget she even had an attic. In fact she’d counted it as proof positive she’d risen to the heights of paranoia the other night when she’d decided to check the attic before going to bed. Her desire to do so stemmed more from watching too many horror movies over the years than any real fear of someone being there. 

“Are we sure about this?” Sam asked quietly even though he didn’t think Jules was even listening to them. “I mean the evidence says he came in this way but there was no ladder on the side of the house the day she was attacked. I would have noticed as I came in.”

Greg shrugged. “He only needed it in order to get in. You said in your statement he went out the front door. In order to avoid detection until he was ready to reveal himself, once he was inside, he was free to go out and remove the ladder so no one would know he was here. No reason for you to suspect anything was amiss. We’ve done everything we can for now but I wish we could do more.”

Sam nodded. “Me too. The other night she checked and rechecked every door and window in the main part of the house. Was about to check up here as well but I was worried she was just making herself crazy with worry for no reason. I promised to check the attic for her and I did. I pulled down the steps and climbed up to the entrance and peeked in. Didn’t even bother to turn on the light or bring a flashlight with me. Maybe if I had we’d have known he’d been up here. Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten back in and nearly killed Patches.”

Greg shook his head. “Sam, Buddy, maybe’s are a lot like what if’s. All they are good for is driving you crazy. Don’t you think it’s driving me crazy that I had patrols doing extra drive-bys and they didn’t catch anything amiss? With the ladder at the back of the house, they could have driven by while he was here and they wouldn’t have seen him. The important thing is that you found the kitten in time and we now know how he’s getting in.”

Sam pulled at his uniform collar, realizing how uncomfortably hot he’d gotten in the brief time he’d been standing in the attic. “Damn it’s hot up here. We don’t even know how long the cat was stuck up here. If he’d died, I think it would have killed Jules as well.”

“But he didn’t.” Greg reminded him once more. He stopped as Jules left her spot on the window and headed down the steps without so much as a word. They started to follow her but she returned almost as quickly carrying a hammer and a bag of nails. Greg raised an eyebrow.

“Jules, honey, what are you doing?”

“Making sure that bastard doesn’t get back in before I have a chance to change out that window.” She closed the window and then began to hammer nail after nail along the edge ensuring that the window wasn’t going to be opened again easily. Both men watched the force she used with each swing of the hammer. This wasn’t about simply securing the window. She was pouring every bit of frustration and anger into each drive. Sam almost felt sorry for the head of each nail.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Johnny parked down the street. It felt good to be behind the wheel of a car again even if it was a cheap clunker that had seen its better days. Until he was able to reclaim everything he lost, it was the best he could do and it gave him easy means of getting around. His original intention had been just to drive by while imagining how the heated attic was slowly cooking the little ball of fur he’d trapped there. 

It wouldn’t be the first living creature that he’d killed using the sun as a weapon. As a little boy, one of his favorite activities had been taking a magnifying glass outside to bring the concentrated sun rays to bear on unsuspecting ants or other bugs. There was also that time he’d trapped that annoying little yelper of a dog his neighbor had when he was sixteen. He hadn’t planned on killing it, just wanted to see the old bag who owned the dog upset about her missing pet. He’d hidden the dog in an old metal box in the barn. He’d thought it was be okay because there were air holes but he’d gone back the next day and found the dog dead. He was pretty sure the old woman had died years later still not knowing what had happened to the mutt. 

As a teen, he’d researched the effect that heat had on a body, knew how painful a death it could be. Still, he hadn’t known just how emotionally devastating the emotional fallout could be on the ones who lost a loved one that way. Not until he was serving his time in jail, that is. That’s when he’d come across the father who was serving time for accidentally killing his son by leaving the boy in the backseat of a hot car. The jail sentence was nothing compared to the own private hell the man was going through at knowing what he’d done to his own son. It was watching the man as he succumbed to his grief to the point that he picked fight after fight hoping someone would put him out of his misery. Johnny had been only too happy to help him out, beating him so hard the doctors had said the man would have permanent brain damage. It was the least he could do for the man who’d given him the perfect way to torture someone. 

His plans to drive by had changed when he saw the SRU vehicles with their blue lights on. It was too early for his present to have been found unless something had gone wrong. He wished he’d been able to get away quicker so he could have a better idea what was happening. But it had taken awhile to reassure his accomplice that everything was working fine. Now, he could do nothing but park out of the way while he watched and waited. 

His heart skipped a beat when he saw her emerge from the house. The image of her standing there was marred only by the fact that Golden Boy was standing there with her, his hand resting on the small of her back. It was wrong that he was the one able to touch her, kiss her, make love to her. What did she even see in the pretty little mama’s boy anyway? He couldn’t blame her for finding comfort in another man’s touch, after all twenty years was too long for anyone to have to wait. He could attest to that first hand but he’d had no choice in his forced wait. But she didn’t have to settle for anyone else any more. 

The SUVs pulled away from the house but Johnny continued to sit there. He leaned over and opened the glove compartment. First he pulled out the 4X6 photograph he’d slipped out of the packet of pictures he’d found in a drawer earlier. He couldn’t resist claiming it for his own; this was how she should dress all the time -- or at least when she had to wear clothes. The way the green crepe draped delicately over her body; the way it modestly covered everything but yet made you want to peel it off to discover what was inside; the just the barest peek of her chest through the small keyhole design; the way the sleeveless design showed off her beautifully toned and tan arms; the way the dress ended just above her knees allowing her shapely petite legs to continue down to a pair of black low heels. Her brown hair was down -- the way it should always be worn so that it was easier for him to run his fingers through it, gripping it tightly to guide her mouth to his. Pure perfection, made even more perfect because as she looked into the camera, there was a hint of regret in her eyes that made him think she was wishing he’d been there to see her looking so beautiful. 

He set the picture aside and reached back into the glove compartment and pulled out his other prize from his earlier foray into her house. He’d confiscated it from the hamper in the bathroom. Simple, unassuming, white cotton panties. He lifted the material to his nose and took a deep sniff and smiled. It was so tempting to risk everything for another chance to hold her and touch her but he‘d have to settle for what pleasure his imagination could conjure up just from holding a cloth that had touched the intimate places he wanted access to once again. He just had to bide his time until she would be forever his. Until then, his souvenirs would have to do.

He tried not to think about the final object in the glove compartment. The key that gave him easy access to the house. It was so tempting to once more put it to use. Not do anything but look around and feel close to her, to imagine what it would be like when he was wanted there. But he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t risk endangering all the groundwork he’d already planted to bring his plan to fruition. No, if he took chances about going in now, he would risk destroying all of his carefully laid plans. No, he could be patient a little longer. 

He returned his trophies back to the glove compartment and started to whistle as he pulled back into the street.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Jules, you need to take a break. You are going to make yourself sick.”

Sam was pretty sure his pleading was falling on deaf ears but he had to keep trying. Of course, he’d lost count of the number of times he’d made his request. She’d even promised she would take one while he went to the store to buy more caulking because she‘d realized she was going to need more to get the job done. He’d tried to convince her to go with him to make the purchase claiming he didn’t want to buy the wrong thing. In answer she’d handed him a empty container and said she didn’t want to leave the house undefended while the window was out. He’d begrudgingly left but returned to find that the glass of ice water he’d set on table for her hadn’t been touched and that she was still hard at work despite the fact that she was sweating so much she had to keep wiping the sweat from her eyes to see what she was doing.

“I’m fine. Got to get this finished.”

Sam cursed under his breath. It was starting to look like the only way he was going to get her to take a break was to pick her up and bodily take her out of the sweat box the attic had become. He knew however though that that would only cause her to get mad at him. He could understand why she felt driven to get the window replaced. Even understood why she’d taken her time picking out which one she thought would have the strongest lock. So much of what had happened she’d had little to no control over; now there was a something she could do to get a least a little of that control back, a chance to feel safe in her own home again. He couldn’t take that away from her but it was killing him in the process. 

She stood to get a tool and immediately the world spun dizzily. She reached out to grab hold of the windowsill. Sam was at her side in a moment. Inwardly he kicked himself; he should have been more insistent. Releasing one hand from the windowsill, she wiped the sweat from her eye once again. 

“I’m okay. Just got up too fast.”

“Come on, you are taking a break whether you want to or not.” 

She shook her head. “No, it’s going to get dark soon and that little light bulb won’t give me enough light to see by.”

“Then you can finish tomorrow. I may not be as good at all this renovation stuff as you are but I do know how to put plywood over an open window. Come on let’s get you downstairs before I have to take you to the Emergency room as well.”

He didn’t think she’d reached the point of heat exhaustion yet but it wouldn’t take much longer. Without waiting to see if she agreed or not, he put an arm under her knees and bodily lifted her in his arms. She was still protesting as he started down the steps, bucking almost wildly trying to get him to put her down. He was afraid she was going to make him lose his balance and send them both tumbling to the floor. He snapped without thinking. 

“Damn it, Jules, be still. Do you want me to drop you?”

“Yes, actually. Put me down.”

Sam made it the rest of the way down the steps without incident and carried her into the bedroom. He was tempted to treat her much the way he’d treated Patches just hours earlier and carry her straight to the bathroom to cool her off. Instead he set her down on the bed and knelt beside her. “I can’t handle any more heat related emergencies today. So the way I see it you have two choices. One, take a cooling shower and then lay here under the ceiling fan while I bring you water to drink and cool off on your own or two, I’m taking you to the emergency room and you can get your own IV of fluids and a sponge bath from the nurses. Because no matter what you are not going back up in that oven of an attic again tonight.”

“Like hell I’m not.” In an uncharacteristic fit of anger, Jules shoved Sam out of the way and started back toward the door. Recovering fast, Sam scrambled to his feet and grabbed her by the waist before she could leave the bedroom. She fought, kicking and elbowing him as hard as she could. “Damn it, Sam. Let go of me.

Given what she’d been through he hated holding her against her will but knew she wasn’t thinking logically between the heat and the stress of the day. Fortunately she sounded mad not frightened so he kept his arms around her waist. He lifted her off her feet which wasn’t difficult given their height differences but allowed her a better range of kicking him. He carried her into the bathroom and stepped into the shower with her. Keeping one arm firmly around her waist he closed the shower door with the other and then turned on the water to much the same temperature he’d used with Patches. It didn’t matter that they were still fully clothed, he just wanted to help cool her off. Literally first and foremost but hopefully also figuratively. 

He understood her anger -- she’d found a way to gain control and he was taking it away from her. Even though it was for her own safety. The kicking and elbowing subsided as the water cascading over them. She sputtered as the spray hit her full in the face. He released his grip on her waist and she turned around. For a minute she stared at him through red rimmed eyes and he thought her anger had subsided. But then she launched herself at him, pummeling him in the chest with her clenched fists. He braced himself against the sides of the shower and took every blow. He meant what he’d told Jack earlier: he’d protect her with his life if he had to. Even if that meant taking the brunt of her anger when she reached the end of her rope. 

Her strength gave out before her anger and she slumped against him. He brought his arms around her and held her as she began to scream out her anger and frustration. At first the sounds coming from her were undecipherable but finally switched over to hard gut-wrenching angry sobs that broke his heart more than if they had been scared, painful ones. By the time her skin felt sufficiently cooled that he’d have to worry about her starting to shiver, even her sobs had diminished. He reached over and turned off the water. She glanced up at her, looking as bedraggled as Patches had, her eyes accusing. 

“You don’t understand. I can’t get him out of my head until I’m sure I can keep him out of my house. I have to do this. I don’t think I can sleep tonight if I don’t finish this”

Sam sighed, looking up to the ceiling. “You’re right, I don’t understand everything you’ve been through but I get why you want to do it. I just don’t think it’s worth risking your health over.”

She was sullen as he helped her out of the shower and to peel off her wet clothes. She started to shiver and he quickly grabbed her fluffy robe off the back of the bathroom door and wrapped her in it before stepping out of his own wet clothes. He wrapped a towel around his waist and led her to the bedroom. She laid down and turned her back to him. 

He laid down beside her, caressing her cheek. “Jules, baby, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you here, I’m trying to protect you…”

Jules sat up, her eyes once more blazing. “And I’m trying to protect myself. I love you Sam I really do but I’m not some damsel in distress that wants to sit in a tower and wait for my prince to come rescue me. I want to slay my own dragons preferably with my prince at my side. I thought you understood that about me.”

Sam slowly counted to ten before answering. “I do. How much longer do you think it’ll take you?”

Jules did the mental math. “Forty-five minutes to an hour.”

“Okay, what if you laid down under the ceiling fan for a little while, drink some water so you are cooled off and not in danger of dehydrating. Once the sun starts to go down and it starts to cool off, you can finish.”

Jules’s growl was unmistakable. “Damn it Sam I told you the bulb up there…”

“Won’t give you enough light to see by. I know. But what about those bright flood lights in the Christmas decorations box. The ones you use to spotlight the yard decorations. I can run a few extension cords up to the attic and plug them in and you should have all the light you need.”

Jules considered his compromise. It galled her to wait. Once she set her mind to a task, especially a task she considered crucial, she wanted to get it done without delay. Still, he wasn’t trying to stop her, just asking her to be safe. She threw herself back against the bed grumpily. “Fine, we’ll play it your way.”

Sam leaned over and kissed her lightly. “Thank you. Let me go get you a bottled water.” He got out of the bed and dressed. He was almost to the door when her voiced stopped him. 

“Sam.” There was a slight pause and then she continued. “I’m sorry I hit you.”

He turned and returned to the bed, settling back on the bed beside her and drawing her close to him. “I’m not. If anyone deserves to lash out from time to time, it’s you. If pummeling the shit out of me gets you through the moment, then I’m a big boy. I can take it.”

“So it’s supposed to be okay that I hurt you in order to feel better? That doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to be that person. I’m not that person. I don’t want to be the monster Johnny is.”

Sam’s blue eyes flashed and he twisted on the bed so that he was hovering over. His jaw rocked slight. “I’m going to say this once and then I hope I never have to repeat myself. Don’t you EVER let me hear you compare yourself to that bastard again. He doesn’t even exist in the same universe as you when it comes to being a decent human being. Okay, you don’t take delight in hurting others. If I had wanted to, I could have said something and you would have stopped. I didn’t because I knew you needed that release and I would do anything and I mean anything to help you through this. If that means I take a few lumps then I’m not going to complain. Be honest, if I hadn’t been there, if I had dumped you in that shower alone and closed the door, would you have been hitting the wall instead whatever you could get your hands on?”

For several breaths, Jules breathed in and out solely through her mouth. Then she nodded. “Yeah, probably. I felt helpless and I needed to have control over something, anything.”

Sam waited a couple of long painfully silent moments. “Okay, so no worries okay? We’re good.” He leaned down and kissed her again. “Now, water.”

Jules rolled her eyes but it was obvious her anger had dissipated. “I think you drowned me with enough water already.” 

Sam chuckled. “Only on the outside. Humor me please.”

She stifled a yawn which seemed to contradict her earlier statement that she wouldn’t be able to sleep until she finished the window. The excessive heat in the attic followed by her emotional outburst was bound to make her drowsy. As if she realized she was already drifting, she looked up at Sam. “If I do nap, you’ll wake me up when the sun goes down?”

“You have my word.”


	43. Chapter 43

“Are you sure you’re okay if I go?” Sam asked one more time as he tucked his shirt into his pants.

Jules bit back her sigh from where she was sitting on the edge of the bed. It was the fifth time he’d asked the question in the last fifteen minutes. “Sam, you haven’t seen this friend since you joined the SRU. He’s only going to be in town today. The two of you need to catch up.”

She probably wouldn’t have even known about the invitation if she hadn’t walked into the living room while he was on the phone and hearing him turning down an invitation. She’d taken the phone from his hand and told the caller to hold on. Then she’d insisted he tell her what was going on. He’d reluctantly told her that a friend he’d served with in Afghanistan was in town and wanted to meet up for a late lunch. She could see in his eyes that he really wanted to go but wasn’t going to admit it. Jules put the phone back to her ear and told the guy on the other end that Sam would love to have lunch with him. Name the time and place. That had been an hour ago. Now, she put her hands on her hips.

“Be honest with me Sam. Why are you so reluctant? Is it because you really don’t want to see him? If so, say the word and I’ll call and get you out of the lunch since I got you in to it and I won‘t say another word. But I don’t think that’s it. I think it has more to do with not wanting to leave me by myself. And if that’s it, I’m seriously going to be pissed. I don’t need a babysitter.”

Sam frowned and sank down onto the bed next to her putting an arm around her small body. “I know you don’t need a babysitter and you don’t need me to protect you. It’s just…I mean…” He lowered his head. “Let’s just say I was aware of the bad dreams you were having last night because I was awake dealing with the remnants of my own nightmares.”

He laid down on his back staring up at the ceiling. Jules turned to look at him, chewing on her bottom lip. She’d been so caught up in how everything was affecting her that she really hadn’t thought about the emotional fallout it might be having on Sam as well. “What kind of nightmares?”

He shrugged. “At first just memory dreams, coming in and finding you in the coat closet and going into the attic and finding Patches. Those dreams morphed into what could have happened. Coming in and finding that you both died instead of being injured. I can live with those dreams because those were real events and I know they both ended up ok no matter what tricks my mind tries to play. But the dreams about what still could happen?” He shook his head. “I wish I could say I could dismiss those as easily. Dreams where I come home and hear something up in the attic and go up to find Dawson has come back and hurt you again and there was nothing I could do about it.” He didn’t elaborate that when he used the word hurt, he really meant beaten, raped, and murdered.

Jules laid down next to him, curling into his side. She traced lazy circles on his chest through his shirt. She shuddered ever so slightly. “I understand the power those dreams can have all too well. I’ve lived with them ever since the first attack twenty years ago. I allowed those dreams to act as proof that some of the fears I had about what happened were valid. Fears that if I told anyone what Johnny did to me bad things would happen. Fears that were so strong that I had trouble opening up to you once you figured out what happened. So much so that even after I took a chance and started to confide in you that kernel of fear in the back of mind kept taunting me. ’You’re in for it now. It’s only a matter of time before you or someone you love pays. You should have just kept your mouth shut and everything would have been okay.’ I tried to ignore it. After all, bad ass Jules Callaghan is stronger than a twenty year old memory, right? Imagine how it stuck its tongue out at me with a great big ‘I told you so’ after what happened the other day.”

Sam twisted so that he was laying on his side and pulled her closer to him. “You know that second attack had nothing to do with telling me what happened, don’t you? Chalk it up to bad luck or better yet to the bent mind of a psychotic animal. He would have hurt you whether I knew about the first event or not. That’s just the kind of sadistic bastard he is.”

Jules nodded. “And you’ve got to know that just because you go and do something fun doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen to me. You went to the store last night to buy caulking and left me alone. Nothing bad happened then.”

“Except you getting overheated because you were too stubborn to take a break.” Sam reminded her.

“That would have happened whether you were here or not. Face it, Braddock, when I make up my mind about something, you’d have an easier time convincing that wall over there to relocate itself to Ed’s house than getting me to back down. Which is also why you know that I’m not going to let you get away with not going to meet your friend. Seriously Sam, you aren’t the type that lets fear stop you. I don’t want you to start now.”

Bringing his hands up to her head, he ran his fingers through her hair. “You are amazing, you know that, don‘t you? Nobody could blame you if you had never wanted to step foot in this house again. Yet not only did you come back right away but you aren’t scared to stay by yourself.”

Jules snorted. “Who said I wasn’t scared? The idea terrifies me. But that’s not going to stop me from doing it. I told you before that I’m tired of giving him or fear power over me. If I can’t get past this new fear while it’s in its infancy, how will I ever get past those larger older fears I’ve hidden behind for so long?”

Sam kissed her. “So I guess if you can face your fears I have no excuse for giving in to mind. Okay, I’ll go and meet Tim. So what are you going to do with your time?”

They’d already had a pretty full morning. After eating breakfast at their favorite breakfast diner, they’d gone to pick up Patches from the vet, glad to see that the kitten had seemingly made a full recovery over night. The whole ride to Wordy’s house, the cat had sat in Jules’s lap batting playfully at the dangling ties on her shirt. After dropping off the kitten, they’d made their grocery store run. With the exception of the cat, all the things they usually did on mornings they had off shift. In fact, Jules had been putting away the groceries when Tim had called. 

She shrugged. “There’s plenty that needs to be done around here that will keep me busy. Normal house chores that get put off because of work. Plus I need to install that latch on the attic door. Not to mention I need to paint that frame on the window I put in last night. I know no one ever sees it but I know it’s unfinished and it’s going to drive me crazy until I paint it to match the rest of the windows. I had the paint and brush up there last night but I felt like I was pushing my luck with how long you were going to let me stay up there as it was.”

Sam nodded. “Can I ask a favor? Don’t paint while I’m gone. It’ll be hot as anything in that attic this afternoon and I don’t want you making yourself sick between paint fumes and heat.”

He expected an argument but to his surprise didn’t get one. “Fine, I’ll wait until this evening to do the painting. The yard lights did a pretty good job of providing enough light to see by. I will stay out of the attic except for one thing. I’ll take the box fan out of the closet and take it up to the attic. If I leave it running all afternoon, it should help make it cooler when I do go up to paint.”

Sam nodded. “Why didn’t we think of putting a fan up there yesterday?”

Jules shrugged but wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I did think of it; I just didn’t act on it. Part of it was that I was focused on getting the window changed out that I didn’t want to take the time. The other part was that I was feeling so bad about what happened to Patches that I was, I don’t know, punishing myself a little. Why should I be comfortable when he’d suffered that heat for no reason other than he became my pet?”

It bothered Sam to hear her talk about punishing herself for something she had no control over. Still the fact that she was aware of what she had done and could acknowledge it made him think she wasn’t gong to make a habit out of it. He kissed her, enjoying the feel of her flush against his body. She gave in to his kisses, wrapping one of her legs over his to get even closer. 

Suddenly the idea of leaving to meet his friend once more lost appeal but it had nothing to do with fear. Why leave her to do all those mundane tasks when they could just spend the time right where they were, partaking in another activity they liked to indulge in on their day off? After a few more kisses he broke off the kiss. If he continued, he wouldn’t want to stop and he knew it was too soon to put that kind of pressure on Jules even if she wanted it just as much. 

“Guess I should go meet Tim before he thinks I stood him up.” Sam admitted reluctantly. He sat up pulling Jules with him. “Okay, so you are warned, Tim’s idea of a late lunch will probably be something along the lines of grabbing a quick slice of pizza and then doing something sports related. We could be a few hours but I promise you I’ll be home in time for us to go to Wordy’s for dinner.”

“You’d better or I’m going without you. Wordy promised he’s grilling his famous jalapeño bacon mushroom burgers. If you aren’t there, I won’t bring one home for you and I’ll make sure I brush my teeth at least a thousand times so I remove all trace of the taste before I let you kiss me.”

Sam chuckled. “You are a cruel woman. I’ll be back in time. I promise.”

Despite her brave words, as soon as Sam left on his bike, she could feel her hands start to tremble and her breathing quickened. Her senses went on high alert and she almost reached for her phone to call Sam back. She bit down the urge however, determined not to let her fears get the better of her. She didn’t need Sam to make her feel safe, she wasn’t going to become that clingy or needy. She couldn’t deny that she wanted him though but didn’t want to interfere with him being able to enjoy his own life as well. She just needed to put her mind to other things. 

The first thing she did was pull the big box fan out of the upstairs hall closet. It took her several deep calming breaths before she could convince herself that it was okay to pull the attic ladder down and ascend into the space above her head. As she dragged the fan over to one of the yard lights, she carefully looked around the attic to make sure nothing seemed to be out of place from where she left it the night before. Everything looked as it had so she quickly plugged the fan into one of the cords she’d used the night before for a yard light. She set the fan on high and after another quick look, and a check to make sure the window was still locked, she left the attic and shut the door. To help aid her peace of mind, she decided she should go ahead and install the slide lock she’d bought at the home improvement store.

That task took the better part of an hour, mostly because she had to keep maneuvering the stepladder to different spots so she could reach the space she needed to without twisting her body into weird positions. Once the lock was in place she put the ladder away and looked up to admire her handiwork. Knowing that even if Johnny somehow managed to get back into the attic, he’d be unable to get any further made her feel better. Enough so that she didn’t feel like her hands were shaking any more. 

With a slight smile she went about the other chores she needed to do. She changed the sheets on the bed in the bedroom she shared with Sam, and then, given the use the spare bedroom had gotten, she changed the sheets on that bed as well. She gathered up all the dirty lines and carried them downstairs and dumped them in the washer machine. Feeling like she was almost thumbing her nose at Johnny and the events of the day of the attack, she started the wash like it wasn’t what she was doing just before the drug took affect. 

Then to further try to rid any trace of the demons that could scare her from her house, she pulled out the vacuum and ran it over the living room floor, especially the space between where the couch and the coffee table used to reside. 

By the time Sam opened the front door almost three hours later, Jules was sitting down for the first time since he left. It had been easy for her to stay busy; there were always chores that got put off because they were easy to put off while working. In a single afternoon, she completed most of them in an attempt to keep busy. She wouldn’t have been sitting when Sam came in if it hadn’t been for her dad calling to check on her. 

Sam deposited a bag in the coat closet and then sat down next to her on the couch and played with her hair while she talked to her father. When she finally hung up the phone she turned to him and cuddled up close to him. “Did you have fun?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, we grabbed something quick and ended up playing ball hockey. I forgot two very important things: it’s hard to maneuver a bike through town with a bag of hockey gear on your back.”

Jules frowned. “You didn’t take any gear with you.”

Sam blushed. “I had a feeling what Tim would suggest so I stopped by my apartment to pick it up before I met him. Which brings me to the second important thing I’d forgotten. Tim is brutal when it comes to sports. He doesn’t quite understand the ‘friendly’ when it comes to a friendly game of ball hockey. I really think he was trying to kill me a couple of times. I’m sore in places I didn’t think someone in my shape could get sore in.”

She reached out to touch his cheek. “Need a back rub?”

He grinned. “I would love a back rub but I think we would never make it to Wordy’s if I let you get started. Either you are going to lull me to sleep or I’ll end up rolling over and kissing you senseless until we both fall asleep.”

Jules’s heart did a little dance at the thought. “So maybe a rain check on the back rub until we get back? Not opposed to the idea of you kissing me senseless but I did skip lunch myself to save room for Wordy’s famous burgers.”

Sam chuckled. “I could take offense. I would if I hadn’t been thinking the whole time Tim was killing me on the field that at least I was working up a good appetite. Now, I’m going to take a shower and wash off ball hockey funk. I’d invite you to join me but that’ll really push us getting to Wordy’s.”

Jules smiled at him. “I can handle a rain check on the shower too.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“She looks like she’s doing better.” Wordy commented indicating Jules with the tip of his beer bottle as he and Sam stood near the grill. Jules was sitting on the floor of the screened in porch with his daughters playing with the kitten. 

Sam took a drink from his own beer. “Yeah, well, Jules has pretty much perfected the image that everything’s fine when it’s not.” He considered how Wordy might take that and amended. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Yeah, she is doing better. Some moments are better than others though. It’s hard sometimes to tell if she’s really okay or just pretending she is so she can believe it’s not bothering her.”

Wordy, having worked with and known Jules longer than Sam had, understood all too well. “Yeah, but those of us who know and love her -- although in a completely different way than you do -- can usually tell when she’s bulling us. We’ve had years of practice. And you got it right, some moments are going to be better than others. Eventually it’ll be that some days are better than others. Shel still has moments that she gets reminded of what that asshole she used to be married to did to her.”

Sam frowned. He’d forgotten that Wordy had at least somewhat of an idea what he was going through. “Does it get easier? Figuring out the balance between being supportive without smothering?” 

“Yeah, but it’s usually by trial and error -- lots of error. I have to remind myself from time to time that when she has a bad reaction to something I say or do it’s not that she doesn’t trust me or really thinks I’d ever do what he did but that she’s reacting to the situation not the person.”

Sam nodded. He’d started learning that lesson before he’d ever known anything had happened to her. “I’m scared I’m going to say or do something wrong. Something that’s going mess up what we have or worse, mess her up.”

Setting his beer on the tray next to him, Wordy lifted the hood of the grill and started transferring the burgers to a plate. After closing the grill again, he looked at Sam. “I think the fact that you are worried about it is going to help ensure you aren’t going to do that. You two have a good relationship and you’ve already been through a lot just to be together. I think the two of you can make it work. And neither one of you is in this by yourself. We’re all here for you.”

It wasn’t the first time Sam had been reminded of that but it helped to hear it once again. 

“Hey you two.” Jules’s voice drifted out to them through the screen. “I see burgers on a plate but you don’t seem to be in a hurry to get them in here so we can eat them. Don’t make me come out there.”

Wordy glanced back at Sam. “She always this demanding?”

Sam chuckled. “You should know, you’ve worked with her for years, remember?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
It was almost 8 when Sam pulled up in front of the house. They hadn’t stayed late because Wordy needed to get a couple of hours sleep before going in to work at midnight. As they made their way up the front walk, Sam wrapped his arms around Jules’s waist from behind and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

“I seem to remember an offer for a back rub. Any chance I can cash in that rain check?”

“I think that could be arranged. Want to cash in the shower rain check as well?”

Sam chuckled throatily. “Do you really even have to ask that?”

Turning the key in the lock, Sam unlocked the front door and held it open for Jules to enter. As he closed and relocked the door, he groaned as his cell phone rang. Recognizing his sister’s ring tone, Sam groaned and vowed to get her off the phone as soon as possible. He answered the phone. “Hey, Nat. What’s going on?”

The annoyed expression changed to concern. “Hey, calm down. Tell me what its doing again.” He listened for several moments. “Okay Nat. Relax. I can come get you. Just stay in your car and keep the doors locked. Don’t worry.” He offered her a few more reassurances before ending the call. He looked at Jules. “Nat was at the gym for her yoga class. When she came out she noticed she had a flat tire. She doesn’t know how to change it and she’s freaking out. Spike’s at HQ at a vendor’s meeting for a new bomb sniffer contraption so she decided to call me.”

Jules leaned forward on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Go, be the great big brother and rescue your sister. I’ll be here when you get back and we’ll cash in those rain checks.”

Sam kissed her back, tugging playfully at the drawstring ties on her top. “I shouldn’t be more than thirty to forty five minutes. And for the record, I have a feeling that as soon as I’m out that door, you’ll make your way up to the attic so you can get your painting done. Don’t think I don’t know you.”

Jules grinned and shrugged. “So we wait until I finish and then we cash in the rain checks. We can sleep in late tomorrow. Now go before Nat panics any more than she already has.”

Sam left the house and Jules once more relocked the door. She shook her head. He really did know her all too well, she thought as she headed up the stairs. She had to resort to using the ladder again in order to slide the lock open. Good thing she didn’t venture into the attic often because that could get annoying she thought as she then propped the ladder against the wall and opened the attic entrance. She could feel a difference temperature wise as soon as her head breached the opening and she was glad she’d brought the fan up. Once she was standing in the dark attic, she reached for the cord to turn on the single light bulb. As she’d warned Sam the night before, it didn’t provide enough light to do much good at all. 

Relying on dim light and mostly memory, she crossed the room and knelt down to plug in the yard lamp. As the area was suddenly bathed in light as the lamp turned on, she gasped. The floor all around her was covered in broken glass. She looked up and saw that the window she’d put in the night before had been busted out completely. Her heart thudding wildly she whirled around so she could leave the attic as quickly as possible. She barely made it two feet when a figure emerged from behind some boxes and blocked her path. A scream died in her throat as he closed the gap between them. She reached for her cell phone but he snatched it away from her slender hand and threw it behind her. To her horror it skidded over the opening and fell to the floor below the attic. 

He grinned at her and the overpowering smell of an all too familiar aftershave assaulted her nose and threatened to make her vomit. She shoved past him trying to get to the entrance but he grabbed her from behind and threw her to the ground, the right side of her chin slamming into the floor before the rest of her body. The side of her face exploded in pain and stars danced around her head. Dazed she was barely aware as strong hands flipped her over. 

A raspy chuckle made it’s way through the haze and pain. “Well, well, well little girl, what you running from me for? We’re going to get to know each other really well.”


	44. Chapter 44

“Well Spike?” Ed asked as the meeting broke up. 

The young man shrugged. “Not bad, couldn’t take the place of Babycakes though.”

Ed laughed. “Nothing could ever take the place of Babycakes with you, Spike. Not even what this device would try to do. Question is could they play well together on the playground?”

“So Lane, you planning putting everyone on Team 1 through one of these?” Donna Sabine-Gerald asked as she joined the two men. “I thought Sam was accompanying you to these get-togethers.”

“Spikes the demolitions expert, figured he’d get a better idea if this was something worth the department spending money on.” Ed countered. He didn’t add that he hadn’t wanted to ask Sam to choose between spending time with Jules or attending a work related meeting. He didn’t doubt Sam’s devotion to duty, but with everything the young couple had been through Ed felt like Sam’s time was better served being there for Jules.

Donna nodded. “Makes sense.”

_Team 3 gear up. Hot call, 9-1-1 call, possible assault, shot fired, no further contact with the caller._

Donna frowned. “Gotta go.”

The dispatcher relayed the address and Ed and Spike exchanged an immediate look before taking off after Donna. “We’re coming with you.”

Donna gave Ed an odd look as she started grabbing her gear. “Why?”

“That’s Jules’s address.”

She should tell them no, it was a conflict of interest of the highest magnitude but she couldn’t. It hadn’t been that long ago that she was the one asking to be included in a case she had no right to be involved in. “Okay, but you stay in the truck until the scene is cleared. Understood?”

“Copy that.” Ed agreed.

They followed Donna to the SUV. Once they were en-route, Donna keyed her com. “Sidney, can you patch the 9-1-1 call through?”

“Copy that. The line is still open but there’s been nothing since the shot was fired. Do you want the live feed or the initial call?”

“Give me the initial but keep recording and let me know immediately if there is anything new.”

She purposely kept her com so that neither Spike or Ed could hear the call. She could understand that they wanted and needed to be there for their friends but at the same time she wanted a little control over the knowledge they had, just in case it was bad news. The recording started in her ear. 

_“9-1-1, what’s your emergency…”_

_“I need backup at 21 Lexington. He’s in the house and he’s going to attack me again.”_

_“Bitch, I’ll make you pay for that. Where’d you go? There you are Little Girl. Fine you want it in your own bed I‘ll do you right here. Blood‘s a bitch to get out of sheets though.”_

After that there was a muttered curse from Jules and then the sound of a phone dropping. Donna could hear what could have been a struggle and then a single gun shot and what sounded like a body falling. After that as Sidney had indicated nothing more was heard. Donna glanced over at the two men riding with her. “Jules made the call. There’s a man in the house and it definitely isn’t Sam. I can’t tell who was shot.”

The urge to call both Sam and Jules’s cell phones was strong but Spike resisted. They didn’t know what was going on and a ringing phone could put someone in danger. He kept checking his watch; the length of time the ride seemed to be taking not matching what his watch said. In his mind he could see Jules lying there hurt, possibly shot and bleeding to death and they were taking too long to reach her. 

Donna pulled the SUV up in front of the house. Everything looked peaceful and quiet. Too quiet considering a gun had been fired. Donna looked at her team. “Todd, Brian. Check the rear of the house. Max get Ed a spare com.”

Max returned a second latter with another radio. Ed took it and slipped the ear piece into his ear and turned on the radio to the right channel. Donna nodded. “Okay, Ed, I’m letting you listen in. Don’t make me regret this. I know you are worried about Jules but neither of you are going in without clearance from me. As soon as I know the situation I’ll let you know. Trust us to take care of Jules. Okay?”

Ed nodded immediately. It chaffed him to be on the outside unable to lead the tactical teams but he knew he had to let Donna do her job. Spike on the other hand took another couple of moments to agree. Donna smiled sympathetically. She knew how close Team 1 was. They weren’t a team but a family and it was killing them to know that one of their own was in trouble and they couldn’t do anything. She looked at Max. “We’re going in the front.” 

As she started toward the front door, Ed stopped her. “The door is probably locked. Jules keeps it locked all the time.”

Donna nodded. “Spare key?” Ed shook his head. “Get the ram. We’ll force entry if we have to.”

“Donna, there’s a ladder on the back of the house. Looks like a broken window to a third floor window.”

Again Donna looked to Ed who frowned. He explained. “We learned yesterday that her assailant gained entry to the house via the attic. That’s the third floor window. Jules was planning on replacing the window but maybe that didn‘t deter a second attempt.”

“Sam’s here.” Spike announced. He’d seen Sam pull up in Jules’s jeep. Of course he only got as far as the police barricade with the vehicle but a flash of his police ID got him access. The young blonde ran to them, his eyes frantic and his face pale with worry. His futile attempts to call Jules on his way back had terrified him but that was nothing compared to turning the corning and seeing blue lights swarming the front of the house. 

“Ed, Spike, Donna, what’s going on? Where’s Jules?” 

Donna looked at him. “Give me your house key. Ed and Spike will fill you in.” 

“Like hell. If something is happened, I need to get in there. I’ll grab a vest from the truck.“

Donna looked at him. He was a good officer and knew his job better than anybody on her team. Team 1 didn’t have the best reputation for no reason. But right now there was no way he could think like an officer and that made him a loose cannon. She also knew he wouldn’t listen if she treated him with kid gloves. “Sam, we don’t have time for this. For every second I spend out here arguing with you it’s seconds my team and I are not in there checking and containing the scene. You know I can’t let you go in there until we know what’s going on. Now, either give me your key or we will bust in that front door. But a stealth entry could save Jules’s life. You decide.“ She looked at the two men who’d ridden to the scene with her. “Can you two contain him or do I need to get uniformed officers over here to do it?” 

Ed nodded and looked at Sam. “Sam, Buddy, you know we got to play this right and we can’t afford to waste time. Let Donna and her team do their job.”

Sam reluctantly handed his key to the female leader of Team 3. She and Max made their way to the front door. As she unlocked the door, she spoke into her com. “Todd, Brian, enter through the attic. Be careful and keep the com open.”

She eased the front door open and they entered quietly with guns drawn. A quick sweep revealed nothing out of the ordinary. “First floor clear.”

“Attic clear but we’ve got definite signs of a struggle. A little blood but nothing to indicate gun shot wound.”

“Copy that, moving to the second floor.”

Donna and her partner made their way up the stares. A step ladder was lying haphazardly on the floor and a smashed cell phone was next to it. They reached the attic ladder at the same time Todd and Brian came down from the attic. Silently Donna indicated that they head down one side of the hall while she and Max checked out what looked to be the main bedroom. 

She entered with her gun raised but she immediately lowered it when she saw what was waiting for her. A man was lying on his back dead from a bullet wound to the head. Jules was standing two feet away. Her hands were tied together with what looked like a blue string or cord. The tied hands held a 40 caliber hand gun still in firing position. Jules was staring ahead as if she wasn’t aware of anything. 

Donna holstered her gun and motioned for Max to stay out. She didn’t think Jules was a danger but minimal contact was probably best until the gun was no longer in play. Though Jules’s clothes looked intact she couldn’t be sure how far an assault had gone and introducing another male into the scene could push the distraught woman over the edge. The other woman was clearly injured: lower lip busted and swollen, the lower right side of her face was already turning purple and swelling, a trickle of blood ran down her cheek from a small laceration just above the bruise and that was just what Donna could see. 

“Jules?” She didn’t add any endearments after the name. Jules’s team could probably get away with a Sweetheart or a Honey here but Donna didn’t know her as well as they did and it would just come across as patronizing and belittling. Better to treat her as an equal and appeal to her professional nature. “Jules, the subject is contained. You can stand down.”

Just Jules’s eyes flickered ever so slightly to glance toward Donna. The team leader took it as a positive sign that Jules was at least aware of her presence and stepped closer, staying out of the line of fire from where the gun was pointing just in case. Each step closer to Jules was slow and measured and she was prepared to stop if the other woman became agitated. 

“Jules, it’s Donna. We’ve got the scene secured and the subject’s been neutralized. You can put your gun down.” Her assessment hopefully served two purposes. The most important one being to break through the haze Jules seemed to be in and get rid of the gun. The second was that she knew Ed was listening on the other end and her words would alert him -- and by extension Sam and Spike -- that Jules was alive and safe.

“He was in the attic.” Jules’s voice was quiet as if she were speaking from a long way off into a tunnel. “I tried to get away but he threw me to the ground. The smell, that horrible aftershave, was the same. I couldn’t let him hurt me again.”

Donna took it as a positive sign that Jules was at least talking. “And you did just that. You defended yourself. He can’t hurt you any more. But Jules, I need you to give me that gun so we can get you some help. Okay? Sam’s downstairs. So are Ed and Spike. They are all really worried about you.”

Jules’s bound hands began to shake and the gun lowered just a little. Now she fully looked at Donna. “Sam’s here? He had to go help Natalie. He’s going to blame himself because he wasn’t here but it’s my fault. I should have gone with him and everything would have been fine. Should have left the attic locked and he wouldn’t have gotten to me. Should have just waited for Sam to get back.”

“Sam’s going to be okay as long as you’re okay, Jules. He wants to be up here with you right now but you know how this works. I can’t let him in the house at all until you give me that gun. As soon as I have your gun they can enter the house.” Again not only reassuring Jules but letting Ed know what to do at the same time.

“I can’t.” Jules admitted softly. “I want to but I can’t.”

It was then that Donna realized that she might physically be having difficulty doing so. The string her hands were tied with looked like it was cutting deep into her skin. Her fingers were white like all the blood had been drained from them. “Can I take it from you then?”

Jules nodded ever so slightly. Donna reached out and slipped the gun from the other woman’s cold fingers. She held it behind her knowing Max would slip in enough to take it from her. Once relieved of the gun, Donna returned her attention to Jules. She couldn‘t be sure if the calm detached way Jules was talking was an indication of shock setting in or a conscious attempt on Jules‘s part to protect herself from what had happened but Donna knew it was only a matter of time before the other woman‘s legs gave out on her. “Okay, good. That’s good Jules. I’ve got the gun now. Come on let’s sit down on the bed. I’ll untie you and you can tell me how badly you are hurt. Then we’ll get you downstairs to Sam. Okay?” 

Jules moved the couple of steps from the nightstand to the bed stiffly as if every move hurt. Donna helped her to sit and then untied the string binding her wrists together. Donna winced when she saw how tightly the string, the drawstring from Jules’s shirt from all appearances, had bitten into her wrists. It wouldn’t be long before she was sporting nasty bruises on both wrists. As soon as her wrists were free, Jules automatically flexed her fingers trying to restore feeling. 

Donna switched her com off for a moment. “Jules, right now, radio’s off and it’s just you and me. Is there anything you want to tell me while it’s just us. Anything about what that man might have done to you?” She knew going off com would frustrate Ed who was relying on her for updates but felt that Jules was more important in that moment.

She didn‘t have to say the word for Jules to know what she was talking about. She shuddered but shook her head. “It was just physical. I got away before he could do anything else. He made it clear that he was going to if he caught me again. When he came in the bedroom I pulled the gun from the nightstand. I shot him before he could do anything else.” 

“Okay, that’s good.” Donna believed her; her clothes while disheveled didn’t appear to have been ripped or torn to indicate something of a sexual nature had taken place. But after listening to the 9-1-1 tape, she knew it would have only been a matter of time before that changed had he been able to get his hands on her again. Self defense laws could be tricky but she didn’t think there was any doubt that in this case, Jules met both the requirements for this to be a justified case of self defense. She turned her radio back on. “Ed, can you hear me?”

“I hear you.” The frustration that he hadn’t been able to hear her just as evident.

“You know how this goes, we’ve got to keep the second floor and the attic secured until it can be processed. But Jules needs Sam. Have him meet us at the top of the stairs.”

“Copy that.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Sam had been poised on Patches’s favorite step from the moment he’d entered the house bursting with the need to storm the rest of the stairs and check on Jules. Fear, guilt, a little sense of duty, and Spike’s tight grip on his arm held him in place though. Why hadn’t he realized it had been a trick to lure him away? He knew why; years spent protecting Natalie and bailing her out of one jam after another made this particular night seem just like one more thing to add to the Natalie Braddock’s 1001 Ways to Inconvenience Your Brother list. 

The whole drive to the gym he’d mentally been berating his sister for once again having the bad timing to interrupt when things were going great for him and Jules. He’d been ready to remind her of that little card he’d given her when it became clear she was going to be staying in town. The card that gave her all the information she needed to use the roadside assistance her CAA membership he’d bought her offered instead of depending on big brother all the time. He wouldn’t really say it to her because as her big brother it was his job to protect her and he took his job seriously. He knew if he fussed about something minor she’d assume she’d couldn’t call on him for something major either. 

She’d picked up on his annoyance anyway as he changed the tire. She kept apologizing profusely saying she’d called for a tow truck but the dispatcher had told her it could take an hour for one to arrive and she didn’t feel comfortable waiting in the deserted parking lot of the now closed gym for that long, especially after what had happened to Jules. His annoyance faded slightly with that and he set about changing the tire. It was only after he was picking the flat tire up to put it in her trunk that he saw the reason the tire had gone flat in the first place. His heart skipped a beat and his breath caught in his throat as he remembered as similarly slashed tire. But who was the target? Jules or Natalie? He tossed the tire in the trunk and reached for his cell phone. When Jules’s cell went immediately to voice mail and the home phone went unanswered, he knew the answer. He’d ordered Natalie to go straight home and lock herself in the apartment until either he or Spike got there and took off for home. 

He didn’t think he’d taken a proper breath until Ed had relayed that Jules was okay and they could at least enter the house. Now as he stood on his perch on the stairs, he found he still couldn’t relax completely until he could see her for himself, wrap his arms around her, know for sure what happened. What was taking so long? 

“Sam,” Ed’s voice was the picture of calm, years of training allowing him not to express his inner emotions. “Donna and Jules are coming down. Meet them at the top of the stairs but no further. You can’t disturb the crime scene.”

Sam’s stomach churned as he launched himself further. A crime scene. Their house was a crime scene. Again. How many times now? He was already to the top of the stairs when Donna and Jules emerged from the bedroom. His vision tunneled so that all he saw was the woman he loved. She shunned Donna’s attempts to support her as she walked painfully and stiffly toward him. She was hurt but in one piece. He tried to take assurance in the fact that she could walk away from whatever happened on her own power but his eyes couldn’t leave her bruised and battered face. The bruise on the side of her face reminded him of the time she’d pretended to be one of the protesters rioting in the street after the Grealy verdict was read earlier that year. Reminded him of the fury he had to hide at the thought of her being manhandled in such way until he’d gotten her home that night and could curl up beside her on the bed as she pressed a cold pack to the bruise. 

As soon as she was close enough, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. He could feel her body shaking and wondered how much of it was due to pain and how much to shock. Nothing else mattered in that moment other than knowing she was safe in his arms. 

Donna touched his shoulder. “Sam, it’s probably a good idea to let EMS check her out.”

He nodded and leaned back so he could look Jules in the face. Her expression was unreadable for once even to him. He kissed her forehead, which seemed like the one place that was untouched. “Jules, you want me to carry you down the stairs?”

She shook her head. The truth was every step jarred her sore ribs but she welcomed the pain that she felt because it reminded her of the pain she wasn’t feeling. The injuries that hadn’t happened despite his best attempts. She’d fought back and because of that she’d might have been injured but she hadn’t had to relieve a woman’s worst fears a third time. She would leave her house on her own power because she had to for her own peace of mind. After that she wouldn’t fight them if they insisted she go to the Emergency Room to be checked out even though the idea of cold impersonal hands poking and prodding her turned her stomach. She’d tell them what they needed to know about what had happened first in the attic and then in the bedroom even though she wanted to just block the entire incident from her mind completely. She’d give whatever they needed her to give until she had nothing more to give. Whatever it took to put an end to it so she could then curl up in Sam’s arms and feel safe enough to let herself feel the fear and pain she was trying to shove down where not even she knew it existed. 

Sam nodded and kept his arm around her waist as they slowly descended the stairs together. He quickly began to suspect she had a rib injury from the short gasps and almost inaudible grunts of pain she made with each step. Medics with a stretcher met him at the foot of the stairs. He was glad to see that once again it was Steve and Mindy who had responded to the call. Steve knew about what happened to Jules before and would be understanding and gentle. Jules looked at the flat stretcher with a frown. Her earlier promises to herself that she wouldn’t protest taking a quick ding.

“I’m not lying down on that thing.” 

Sam smiled in spite of himself and the situation. Her voice was quiet and detached but her word choice told him she wasn’t broken completely. Steve nodded, he knew what battles to fight when it came to the woman he‘d tried unsuccessfully to win the heart of. “No problem. Mindy, let’s raise it up. You can sit on it instead.”

Once she was sitting on the stretcher and Mindy was fastening the straps around her, Sam pulled Steve aside just slightly. “Steve, I have a favor to ask…”

“Sam, you don’t have to ask. You can ride with us. I’m not going to keep the two of you apart. I know it’ll be better for the both of you to stay together.”

Sam nodded grateful that Steve recognized that but it wasn’t what he was about to ask. “Look, I know you have safety protocols and that gloves are one of them. But they freak her out right now; they remind her of the guy who attacked her a few days ago. I know I can’t expect everyone to not use them but you know her…”

“I can’t not wear gloves even if I know the victim. I could lose my job. But…” Steve frowned and looked over at Mindy. “Min, put down on her file that Jules has a latex allergy.” The female medic gave him a weird look knowing nothing had been said about an allergy a few days ago. But she nodded anyway and made the notation. Steve turned back to Sam. “Doesn’t help much in the field. Our latex alternatives still have the same feel as the others but once she’s in the ER they’ve got more choices, some that have a different feel altogether. I can make sure they use those. For now, I’ll ride in the back with the two of you and I’ll try to limit what contact I have to have with her.”

Sam nodded his thanks. He followed as the two medics pushed the stretcher back out to the ambulance. Jules didn‘t say anything else and wouldn‘t meet their eyes as the ambulance pulled off. 

“Do we know what we’re dealing with?” Steve looked back at her his voice low but it still carried in the small space. This time Sam shook his head.

“You’re dealing with someone who can hear perfectly and is capable of answering.” The response was so totally Jules that both men shook their heads and Steve smiled ruefully. He hadn’t been so sure she was really aware of her circumstances. She frowned and looked at him defiantly. “How about asking me?”

Steve scooted closer to her on the bench. “Okay, then, what are we dealing with, Jules. Where are you hurt?”

“I don’t think anything’s broken. Just bruised to hell and back. My wrists and the right side of my face hurt the worst; everything else is just sore.”

Steve nodded, looking at her wrists without touching them. She had a deep indention running around her wrists where whatever she’d been tied up with had left it’s mark. It was an angry red with abrasions on either side where she’d more than likely tried to break free of the bindings. He could see why they hurt. Then he looked with a clinical eye at her jaw. It was bruised and swollen but the fact that she was talking suggested it wasn’t broken. The cut on her cheek was jagged but not deep; it was barely bleeding anymore. He looked in her eyes; he’d never been able to read anything into her expression the way he’d wanted to. Now was no different. He couldn’t see if she was hiding anything else she didn’t want to say or if she was being completely honest. 

“Okay, can you define everything else more specifically? The better information I can give the ER doc, the less he’ll have to probe.”

Again Jules shuddered. “Ankle, Knee, ribs.” She looked at Sam and seeing the worry in his eyes felt the need to add. “No sexual assault.”

Sam let out a relieved breath. He reached over and put a hand on the top of her head, not sure he could touch her anywhere else that wouldn’t hurt. “Jules, Donna said the subject was neutralized. Is he…”

“I killed him. I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t going to be his victim. Wasn’t going to let him hurt me. I killed him and don’t ask me to feel bad about it. Because I can’t and I won’t.”

Sam leaned over and brushed a kiss to the side of her head. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Ed looked at Donna as she joined him in the living room. She frowned. “Before you ask, I don’t know the full story. It didn’t seem right to press her for details. I do know that he followed her into the bedroom with intent to do bodily harm and even with her hands tied managed to get hold of a gun. The shot heard on the 9-1-1 call was hers. Her assailant is dead. She indicated that he was the one who assaulted her a few days ago.”

“Can’t say I’m sorry to hear he’s dead. Bastard breaks in not once but twice. Tell me she’s not going to face charges over this. It’s self defense. Anybody can see it.” Ed folded his arms across his chest. 

Donna nodded. “I agree. His intent was clear and I don’t see where she had any other choice. My recommendation is that no charges be filed at all; it would be a waste of every one’s time and she doesn’t need to the added trauma. I’ll have to get her statement but based on the evidence, I don’t think the prosecutor will give me any flack about it.”

“Well at least with Dawson dead Jules doesn’t have to worry about him causing her any more grief. He’s done nothing but make her life miserable since he was released from prison.”

“You think you could give a positive ID?” Donna asked the two men. She couldn’t touch the body until the coroner arrived to see if he was carrying any ID. They nodded and followed her up the stairs to the bedroom. The first thing that Ed noticed was that Jules had made a perfect shot right between the man’s eyes. Then Spike frowned.

“We got a problem. That ain’t Dawson. I don’t know who he is but it’s not Jules’s uncle.”


	45. Chapter 45

_Relying on dim light and mostly memory, she crossed the room and knelt down to plug in the yard lamp. As the area was suddenly bathed in light as the lamp turned on, she gasped. The floor all around her was covered in broken glass. She looked up and saw that the window she’d put in the night before had been busted out completely. Her heart thudding wildly she whirled around so she could leave the attic as quickly as possible. She barely made it two feet when a figure emerged from behind some boxes and blocked her path. A scream died in her throat as he closed the gap between them. She reached for her cell phone but he snatched it away from her slender hand and threw it behind her. To her horror it skidded over the opening and fell to the floor below the attic._

_He grinned at her and the overpowering smell of an all too familiar aftershave assaulted her nose and threatened to make her vomit. She shoved past him trying to get to the entrance but he grabbed her from behind and threw her to the ground, the right side of her chin slamming into the floor before the rest of her body. The side of her face exploded in pain and stars danced around her head. Dazed she was barely aware as strong hands flipped her over._

_A raspy chuckle made it’s way through the haze and pain. “Well, well, well little girl, what you running from me for? We’re going to get to know each other really well.”_

_Jules stared up at the stranger in surprise. She’d never seen him before but there was no mistaking the smell of that aftershave. But Johnny had worn that same aftershave the night before the attack when he approached her at the hospital. It was one of the reasons, besides the fact that he’d already assaulted her one time, that she’d been so convinced he’d been the one to hurt her._

_At the same time she was thinking about who he wasn’t and wondering who he was and why he’d targeted her, her hands flew up. She slapped her palms hard against the sides of his ears. With a pained curse, he backhanded her savagely across her already bruised face. Then, he grabbed her wrists and transferred them to one of his hands. A chill ran down her spine as she realized he was wearing latex gloves. With his other one he grabbed the end of the drawstring on her top and gave it a yank. She felt the sting of a rope burn across her neck even through the thin material as it was viciously pulled from her shirt. She struggled wildly as she realized he was going to use the cord to tie her hands together. With a grunt, he brutally shoved his knee into her stomach, knocking the breath out of her and temporarily halting her attempts to escape._

_He muttered under his breath as he tied her wrists together, seemingly taking great delight in seeing just how tight he could pull the string as he tied it in a knot. Jules bit back the cry of pain as the cord felt like it was going to go straight through her skin down to the bones of her wrists._

_Thinking though the pain Jules weighed her options. Wordy might have been the CQB expert but she was no slouch in close quarter battles herself. This guy outweighed her by at least 150 pounds if the amount of weight pressing into her ribs from his knee was any indication. Her small size might work to her advantage though. People who didn’t know her had a tendency to think she wasn’t a threat until she proved them wrong._

_She made herself go limp; if he thought she was surrendering, maybe he’d take some of the pressure off. Literally. Sure enough as soon as she stilled, his knee lifted off her ribs and he stood there looking down at her wolfishly. “That’s much better. I prefer a kitten over a she-devil any day._

_Her leg swept out catching him just above the inside of his ankle. As he came crashing down with a yell, she turned and started to belly crawl toward the entrance getting away from him before she tried to stand, which she knew would be awkward with her hands tied so tightly together._

_He recovered quicker than she thought he would though. She felt a meaty hand close around her ankle and jerk her backwards, once more sending her face planting into the floor. She couldn’t stop the scream of pain as her already battered face scrapped across a rough spot on the floor, probably a nail head that wasn’t quite as flush to the ground as the rest._

_“Bitch, you think you can get away that easily? I like it rough, believe me the rougher the better but only when I’m doing the roughing. I’ve got a fix for that though.” He pulled a small medical vial from his pocket and held it so she could see it as he unscrewed the top. “I call this my Bernie Special cause it makes me feel like I’m fucking a corpse just like that whore did in that movie. But of course you already know how this works. A little bit down your throat and you won’t be able to do nothing but lay there and take everything I have to give you. And believe me it‘ll be more than you can handle.”_

_He straddled her body and literally sat on her hip bones as he grabbed her face in one of his hands. He squeezed the sides of her mouth trying to force her to open her mouth. She shook her head back and forth clenching her jaw muscles to prevent him from succeeding. The pressure he applied was intense especially on the right side of her face that had already taken the brunt of the abuse. But she had to ignore the pain, had to prevent him from giving her so much as a drop of the drug she was all to aware of the effects of. Right now she still had a chance of fighting back and preventing him from finishing what he so clearly wanted to do. Drugged, she would have no chance. She had to get him off of her so that she could get away._

_“Best be careful there. I give you too much of this stuff and I really will be fucking a corpse. Wouldn’t be the first time and it doesn’t really matter to me; I still get what I want either way.” He warned as she continued to struggle against him. Seeing that his attempts to pry her lips open wasn’t working, he switched tactics. He released his hold on her jaw and pinched her nose shut so that she’d have to open her mouth to take in needed breaths. Normally a person, especially a person already upset and breathing hard, could only last between thirty to fifty seconds before the need to breathe became greater than the fear of what would happen if she opened her mouth._

_Fortunately though, Jules wasn’t a normal person. Given the nature of her job, they routinely had to practice holding their breath for longer periods of time -- while still doing routine tasks -- in case they were ever delayed getting their gas masks on in an emergency. Ed was the best at it; she’d seen him hold his breath for almost four minutes without showing any signs of hypoxia. Normally she could last somewhere close to three minutes but given the fact that he’d knocked the wind out of her earlier with the knee to the ribs, she didn’t think she’d last quite that long. Still, she had the advantage._

_He was so focused on making her open her mouth so he could drug her that he wasn’t aware of what she was doing behind him. She spread her legs out so that her knees were on either side of his body and then planted her feet firmly against the ground. Just as her lungs were starting to burn with the need for air, she thrust her bound hands forward hitting him square in the face. She dug her short fingernails into his flesh and shoved him back as she pushed herself up off the floor._

_As he tumbled off of her, she used her upward motion and the strength of her leg muscles to stand completely. Looking around she saw one of the boxes of Christmas decorations close by and she grabbed the nearest item she could wrap her almost useless fingers around -- the wire end of one of the heavy wooden candy canes she used to line the front walk - and swung it. It lacked the kind of force to cause real damage because of the awkward way she had to hold it but it was enough to stun her attacker._

_Dropping her make-shift weapon, she didn’t stop to check his condition. She’d seen too many instances where a victim foiled their own rescue attempt because of wasting time looking back. Instead, she turned and fled toward the steps leading to safety. Hearing him stir behind her, she lost her footing on the first step and tumbled the rest of the way down. Her left ankle caught in the bottom rung of the ladder and she landed hard on her knee. Her cell phone was right at her shoulder but it would do no good. The fall had left it in at least five different pieces and she could see the battery lying near the stair railing._

_Every part of her body hurt and it was so tempting with this latest added pain to just curl up and give in to the tears that wanted to overwhelm her. She couldn’t though. Giving up now would just mean he would catch up to her and she knew what would happen if he did. So she locked away the pain to be dealt with later and struggled to her feet once more. She grabbed hold of the step ladder to pull herself up and it fell over in the process sending her once more to the floor. She could hear him moving above her and tried again. She stood and gave the attic door a little push upward to delay him as much as possible. Her knee and ankle protested and she wasn’t sure she could manage the stairs leading to the first floor and the freedom of the front door. Instead she made her way to the bedroom where she could get help. At least there she could use the phone to call for back up and the handgun she’d insisted Sam pull out of the lock box the night she came home from the hospital was still sitting in the bedside nightstand._

_She reached for the phone and used her thumb to press the nine and then the one twice. She put the phone to her ear, shaking as she heard him lumbering down the attic steps._

_“9-1-1, what’s your emergency…”_

_Just the sound of someone‘s voice who didn‘t want to hurt her was welcome. Not knowing how much time she had, she tried to be succinct. “I need backup at 21 Lexington. He’s in the house and he’s going to attack me again.” She was about to identify herself to the operator when she heard him right outside the bedroom._

_“Bitch, I’ll make you pay for that. Where’d you go? There you are Little Girl. Fine you want it in your own bed I‘ll do you right here. Blood‘s a bitch to get out of sheets though.”_

_Jules dropped the phone and struggled to pull open the drawer that held the gun. It was difficult to do with the way her hands were bound; the table shook as she pulled at the door causing several objects on the top of the stand to fall over with loud clunks. Her fingers closed around the handle of the pistol; her finger stretching out to the trigger._

_He was getting closer; she could hear him breathing hard-- the sound a mixture of exertion and anticipation. She thought about his words. His threat to rape her right there on her bed. The bed she’d only shared with Sam. There was no way she was going to allow him to taint her memories of the times she’d shared with the man she loved. She turned toward him; the gun extended out and her finger on the trigger._

_The sight of a gun pointed at him didn’t seem to faze him at all. In fact his wolfish grin widened at the idea that she thought she could scare him. He took another step toward her, his hands moving to unzip his pants. He was still smiling as her finger tightened on the trigger and the single shot was fired. He was dead before he could even process the thought that she’d actually shot him._

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Déjà vu -- the feeling you were experiencing the same thing all over again. Only in this case they actually were with a few differences. Sam had followed Steve and Mindy as Jules had been wheeled to the exact same ER cubicle that she’d occupied just a few days earlier. This time at least no one seemed to be quickly ushering him out and to the waiting room; a difference he was immensely thankful for. Then Dr. Victors had come in looking as surprised to see them as Sam was glad that he’d be the one to take care of Jules. Talk about a change from the first time when he’d been ready to take off the poor information girl’s head over the fact that a male doctor was treating Jules. 

He pulled on a pair of latex gloves to examine his patient who was still insisting on sitting completely upright. Steve cleared his throat and pointed out the notation on the chart that said latex allergy. The medic went so far as to suggest the glove the doctor should use instead, knowing it was one that had the least latex-like feel to it. Dr. Victors raised an eyebrow but did as Steve suggested. He remembered nothing being said before about an allergy but he did remember seeing the fear in Jules’s eyes whenever she was touched the last time. He’d attributed the fear to the attack and now wondered if it were more a matter of an aversion to latex rather than an actual allergy. Still if it made things easier for the young woman he wasn’t going to complain or argue. He switched out the gloves and then smiled at Jules.

“You know, if my care the other day was that good, you could have just sent a thank you note. You didn’t have to request a repeat appearance.” Dr. Victors read over Steve’s report as the medics slipped out unobtrusively. “So wrists and face are the main complaints. Can I see your wrists?”

As the doctor examined her visible injuries and listened as she described her other major pains, he was encouraged to see that emotionally she seemed in a better place than she had previously. He could still sense an wariness from her at his presence so he kept his physical contact to just the minimum needed to do his job. 

“I’m sure you are hurting quite a bit, but given what you’ve been through, I’d say you are one lucky young woman. I can’t rule out the possibility of fractures though until I get some pictures. Usually x-rays are the quickest way to check. However, in this case given how wide spread your injuries are, I’m going to order a full CT. Once I see exactly what I’m dealing with, we’ll talk about how we’re going to treat you. Until then, would you like something for pain?”

Jules nodded, and didn‘t feel a moment of weakness at the acknowledgement. The pain she’d pushed aside while the attack was taking place refused to be ignored now that the danger had passed. The nurse swabbed her arm and she didn’t even wince as the needled pierced her skin. The doctor promised that the orderlies would be there shortly to take her for the scan and he and the nurse left out. 

Sam moved from his spot standing out of the way near the curtain. He gently cupped the left side of her face, the side that had seemed to have escaped the worst of the damage. His concern was evident in his bright blue eyes as he looked at her. “What can I do?”

“Hold me.” The answer came without hesitation. He was scared he was going to hurt her but wouldn’t turn down her request. He sat down on the bed beside her and gathered her gently in his arms. She’d said in the ambulance she wouldn’t feel regret for shooting her attacker but he knew eventually the second doubts would hit her. She’d been so strong but he didn’t know how long that could last. Enduring a second attack in her own home not but a few days after the previous attack was bound to wear on the toughest person. There were no words to express how glad he was that she’d been able to protect herself and prevent the attack from being worse. Even if it was his fault that she’d had to do so.

“I was so scared.” He admitted as he buried his face in her hair. “I kept trying to call. Your cell phone went to voicemail and you wouldn’t pick up the house phone. With call-waiting I knew you’d answer even if you were talking to your dad or something. But when I couldn’t get you on either phone I knew my fears were right. Damn him making me choose between my sister and you. I hope Dawson rots in hell.”

Jules frowned. “Sam…”

But Sam didn’t hear her interrupt. “As soon as I saw Nat’s tire had been slashed I realized Dawson must have done it knowing she’d call me. He wanted me out of the house so he could hurt you again. Flat tire. Could it have been more obvious? The only thing he didn’t do this time was leave the knife behind. I bet he got a laugh out of that. So help me if he’d managed to…”

“Sam!” This time Jules’s tone was sharp enough to make Sam look at her. “It wasn’t Johnny. I was so sure it had been him the other day. Who else would go to all that trouble to hurt me? Even though I didn’t see him or hear him I had convinced myself that it had to be him. But this guy tonight…” She shuddered and burrowed closer into Sam’s embrace. “He had the same aftershave. He reeked of it; I thought I was going to throw up just from the stench of it. Even then I still thought it was Johnny the other day. But he had the same drug. He knew I was familiar with it because he spiked my drink with it. He wasn’t going to be so nice about it this time. He was trying to force my mouth open so he could drug me again. I knew I couldn’t let him.”

Sam was stunned. When he had seen the slash on Natalie’s tire, he’d been sure it was proof that Dawson was responsible. Sure Natalie was safe in the apartment alone because Dawson was lying dead in his bedroom. Before he could get any further in his thoughts, Jules shifted slightly and groaned. He looked down at her. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just can’t get comfortable. I don’t want to complain though. Just about every new bruise on my body is one I got because I fought back. I’ll bear the pain and wear the bruise without shame because I know how much worse it could have been if I hadn’t fought back.” She blinked sleepily; the adrenaline that had served its purpose at the house fading and that with the pain medication making her sleepy. 

The orderlies came in to take her to the CT scan. Sam was aggravated when they said he couldn’t go with her but knew it was policy. He kissed her lightly and left the bed. After he watched them wheel her out he reached for his phone to call and check on Natalie. It rang several times and he was ready to panic when she finally picked up.

“I appreciate you bailing me out of trouble once again but did you have to pull the disappearing act?” Natalie fussed without preamble. 

“Are you okay?” Sam also didn’t mince words.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Her tone made it clear she didn‘t understand what was going on. “Rhonda from across the hall came over. We’re just sitting here talking. Is something wrong?”

Sam explained what had happened. Natalie was horrified to hear that Jules had been hurt again but glad that she was going to be okay. “Should I come down there?”

“No.” Sam insisted. “Look, Nat, I don’t know if they are going to admit Jules or let her go home tonight. I guess it’ll depend on what the scans reveal. If they do release her I’m bringing her to the apartment. Even if she wants to there’s no way they’ll let us return to her house tonight. Would you mind changing the sheets on my bed and getting things ready there?”

“No, of course not. Anything.”

“Thanks. I’m going to call Spike and see if he’s close to being able to meet you there. Call me paranoid but I can’t shake the feeling there was something more going on with your tire. Please be careful until he gets there.”

He could almost see her eye roll. “And it’s okay not to be careful after he gets here? Relax Sam. Save your worry for Jules; I’m fine. Call and let me know what the doctor says about Jules. I love you Sam.”

Sam sighed. “Love you too. And I will.”

Across town, Natalie hung up the phone and frowned. Rhonda gave her a curious look. “Everything okay?”

Natalie shook her head and explained what had happened to Jules. “I guess I need to get things ready. If he’s able to bring her home I’m sure she’s going to want to crash right away.”

Rhonda nodded. “Of course. I’ll get out of here. Oh before I forget to tell you. The Gordons finally found someone who was willing to sublet their apartment down the hall while they are out of the country for the next six months. I met him as he was bringing in a few things. What a cute hottie, the tall dark and handsome kind. His name is JD. I debated even telling you about him, but I’m calling dibs on him. I saw him first.”

Natalie shrugged. “I’m perfectly happy with Spike. So. you know what, go for it. Maybe the four of us can double date sometime. Maybe Sam and Jules will join us and we can make it a triple date.”

Rhonda smiled. “Great idea. You know what, I think I have a nice bottle of wine chilled in the fridge. I may just take it down to his apartment to welcome him to the building. Wish me luck.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Down the hall, Johnny sat on the couch that came with his brand new furnished apartment. He couldn’t believe his luck when he discovered there was a couple needing someone to temporarily pick up their lease while they to visited Europe for several months. 

He stared at the photograph he’d stolen the day before. It was killing him to not know if his plan had succeeded or failed. Depending on others was always tricky, especially when you had to leave certain things up to chance. He’d have to wait until he got to work to find out the full story. He could always unobtrusively pick up on the water cooler gossip at the headquarters without appearing interested. 

He placed the photograph next to his heart. “I’m sorry I had to put you through this Little JAC but you didn’t leave me much choice. Soon, we’ll be together and I’ll make it up to you then. Nobody else will ever put their hands on you again. Nobody.”


	46. Chapter 46

Wordy had developed his work routine in the first few months of joining the SRU. Show up early, work out, shower, change into his uniform, be on time for shift briefing. Even after the diagnosis of Parkinson’s had forced him to leave SRU and transfer to Guns and Gangs, he hadn’t been able to change that routine. Sure he didn’t have to wear a uniform now but the rest of his routine remained the same. 

So now twenty minutes before his briefing and after an invigorating workout, he found himself standing in front of his locker placing his watch next to his wallet, keys, and cell phone which were already sitting on the top shelf so he could grab his shower. Grabbing his towel and soap, he pushed the metal door mostly shut and made his way into the bathroom. By the time he emerged and was dressing, the rest of his co-workers were just coming in. Though he got along well with his new colleagues, he didn’t really consider himself part of a team, at least not like the team he was on at SRU. There Team 1 had been more of a family than anything. 

“Hey Wordsworth, you hear about what happened tonight?” Justin asked as he tossed his things in his locker and locked it. “Your girl took care of business big time.”

Wordy frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Callaghan. The shit for brains asshole that attacked her earlier this week came back for seconds.”

Wordy’s heart began to race and the slight tremble in his hands had nothing to do with his diagnosis. Sam and Jules left his house just four short hours earlier and everything had been fine. Jules seemed to be doing so much better. Something had happened after that? Hadn’t the couple been through enough? “Is she okay?”

“Compared to the SOB who came after her she’s great. A little banged up but from what I’ve heard about her I doubt she’ll miss a day of work because of it. Proved there was a reason they let her shoot the big guns. Put a bullet right between his eyes. Bet the bastard never saw it coming.” Justin replied, a hint of awe in his voice. 

One of the other guys shook his head. “Quick and easy death was too good for him. She should have incapacitated his ass and then pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on him. Made him suffer the rest of his miserable life knowing he couldn’t hurt another woman the way he had intended to hurt her.”

“The thing was, it wasn’t even that custodian her brother laid into the other day after the attack. The one everyone believed was guilty. It was someone else completely.” Justin continued, pointing out the brown clad custodian in the corner of the locker room with his back to them pushing a mop across the floor.

Wordy froze. After Jules’s oldest brother had been detained for beating up on the custodian in the wake of what had happened to his baby sister, Wordy had wormed at least part of the full story out of Sam. He was sure there was more than what he’d been told but he could understand his friend not wanting to betray the secrets Jules had confided in him. What he did know was enough to make him keep an extra close eye on the custodian who seemed so affable. He frowned.

“I don’t think we should be talking about Jules in front of him.” He warned. 

Justin laughed. “Relax Wordsworth, he’s not even listening to us. He’s too involved listening to whatever he’s got playing on his MP3 player. See the headphones?”

It was true, Johnny Dawson hadn’t even so much as glanced their way while they were talking even as they started to talk about him. Reeling from the information he was hearing, Wordy reached for his phone, needing to hear from a closer source that she really was okay. “Guys, cover for me if I’m late?”

They agreed and he pulled up his contacts on his phone. He skipped both Jules and Sam’s names on his list. If even part of what the guys were saying was true the last thing they needed was to have to keep reliving the experience from even well meaning friends. Instead he pulled up Spike’s number and called him. 

“Spike, it’s Wordy. I just heard what happened. Is it true?”

Behind him he didn’t see the smile on Johnny’s face as he listened to every word that was being said.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
The clock on the bedside table in Sam’s bedroom in his apartment read 1:27. Not that he was paying it any attention. He was propped up against his headboard running the fingers of one hand idly through the dark strands of Jules’s hair as she slept. She was lying on her back with her head turned toward him so that the bruised right side of her face lay against a towel wrapped ice pack. Similarly wrapped packs were also strategically placed against her ribs, knee, and ankle. As he watched her sleep, he couldn’t be sure if the slight shaking of her sleeping body had to do with any lingering fear from what had happened or because she was simply cold lying underneath all that ice. 

It had been a long wait after Jules had returned from having the CT scan to find out the results. A wait that had included a visit from a forensic nurse who had to document Jules’s injuries for the police report. A visit that had erupted into a battle of wills between the nurse who wanted Sam to wait in the waiting room while she documented Jules’s injuries for the police report and Jules who was just as determined that Sam stayed to the point that she said she’d refused to consent to the procedure if Sam had to leave. The impasse could have gone on all night if Sam hadn’t stepped in. He knew the nurse’s report would further convince anyone who wanted to question the shooting that it was undeniably self defense. He suggested that he wait just on the other side of the curtain where he wasn’t intruding in the investigation but was close enough that he could return if Jules needed him. Neither woman had been particularly happy with the compromise, especially Jules who felt like she gotten the least from the deal, but they ultimately agreed. 

When Sam had stepped back in, he could tell Jules was upset. It had taken him several minutes of gentle questioning to find out what was bothering her. She finally admitted that she didn’t want to have to spend the night in the hospital but didn’t know what would happen if he released her. She couldn’t go home, didn’t have a way home, and since the forensic nurse had taken her clothes as evidence, she didn’t have anything to wear anyway. Sam eased her fears saying that he doubted the doctor would want to admit her even if the scans showed a fracture or two but she didn’t have to worry about the others worries. They would stay at his apartment for as long as they needed to and all it would take was one phone call to Ed who was still at the house with Donna and the rest of Team 3 to take care of a ride and a change of clothes. That had appeased her some and after making the call, Sam had settled back on the bed with her as they waited for the results of the scan.

Dr. Victors had returned about ten minutes after that. He was pleased to report that the scan had shown no signs of any fractures. He was quick to warn her though that the bruising she did sustain could hurt just as much and there was nothing he could much he could do medically for that. He recommended rest and ice packs for the next 24 to 48 hours to aid the healing process and offered to write a prescription for painkillers to which Jules had turned down bitterly reminding him that she still had some from her last trip to the ER.

Ed didn’t stay after dropping them off at Sam’s apartment building. He could tell that Jules was exhausted and didn’t need the company. He assured them that Donna had promised to keep him up to date on the investigation and that he in turn would fill them in as well. Sam had kept a supportive arm around her waist as she hobbled inside. He would have offered to carry her but knew she needed to feel independent. Once in the apartment, her exhaustion was obvious as it was almost impossible for her to hold a coherent conversation with Spike and Natalie. Some of her responses had the other three trying hard not to laugh because they made absolutely no sense. He’d carried her to bed once she stopped mid-sentence while answering a question Natalie had asked her. After getting her settled comfortably in his bed, he’d retreated to the kitchen long enough to get ice packs and towels for her injuries. It had been about 11:30 by that time.

Now, a couple of hours later, he was still awake, wrestling with his guilt as he watched her sleep. He was happy that at least so far her sleep had been peaceful. He’d left the lamp on its lowest setting so that the room wasn’t completely bathed in darkness and he was grateful for the dim light which allowed him to see even the slightest change in her expression. 

His thoughts were twirling in all directions with one important epicenter -- Jules. He felt guilty that he’d allowed himself to be led away when his fears all day had been leaving her in the house alone would result in her getting hurt. He felt sick that she’d once again been threatened and had to suffer even the first bruise. He was proud that despite what had to have been a terrifying experience, she’d been able to fight back and defend herself. But the emotion that most had him wide awake at 1:30 in the morning was worry. Worry that no matter how okay she felt at the moment about taking the life of the man who had attacked her, she would battle doubts in the morning and second guess her every move. Worry that even though there wasn’t a chance in hell that any rational thinking person could question that it had been self-defense, some less than rational person would try to make some sort of example of her. Worry that no matter how well-intentioned he was or how much he wanted to support and help her through this, he was going to somehow screw everything up -- screw her up in the process. He’d never forgive himself if he hurt her.

She twisted slightly and winced. Sam stilled his hand, waiting to see if she was just shifting position or slipping into a nightmare. Instead her eyes fluttered then opened. “What time is it?” She whispered, licking her dry battered lips to moisten them. 

“Late.” Sam replied just as quietly. “Or early depending on how you look at it. You okay? Need anything?”

“Feel cold and numb.” She admitted. 

Sam smiled just slightly. “Yeah, I guess two hours with ice packs up against you will do that.”

“Yeah, well, more like cool water packs now anyway. But it was sweet of you to think about them. I don’t think I should have let you talk me into taking that painkiller when we first got here. I think it on top of what they gave me in the ER did a number on me.”

Sam reached beneath the covers trying to collect the various ice packs, setting them on the nightstand in a pile. “It’s worth it if it took care of the pain. Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head and pulled the covers back. “No, hand me the ice packs and I’ll put them in the freezer so they’ll refreeze before I need them again.”

Sam frowned. “I can do that. No sense you having to get out of bed to do that.”

“Yeah you could but unless you can pee for me as well, I’ll still have to get up. You can warm up my spot of the bed while I’m up.”

Reluctantly, Sam handed over the ice packs and watched as she limped out of the bedroom. He was glad to see that she seemed to be walking a little better than she had when they’d first gotten home. It looked like it was more her knee bothering her than her ankle. 

Jules unwrapped the ice packs one by one and left the towels on the counter before putting the packs in the door of the freezer. Then she made her way to the apartment’s one bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. After taking care of the business that had led her to the bathroom in the first place, she stood at the sink washing her hands being careful not to get the bandages Dr. Victors had wrapped around her wrists to cover up the ugly ligature marks and abrasions left by the cord that had bounded her hands together. 

Turning off the water, she looked up into the mirror, sickened by the image reflecting back at her. Her lower right jaw had exploded into an ugly, vicious purple much worse than the way it had looked the last time she brutally got slammed into something. The swelling had gone down in her lower lip from where he’d backhanded her but she could still see the split he’d caused. Dr. Victors had placed a gauze bandage over the cut she’d gotten from the nail on the floor. Injuries that would fade with time but would mark her as a victim for days and maybe weeks to come. 

She’d always been more than a little critical about her own looks. Worried that her chin was too pointed and her cheek bones too sunk in for her to be considered anything other than plain. But the person staring back at her currently just plain looked ugly. Why would anyone want to have anything to do with her at all? She thought back to the date night two nights ago when she and Sam had ended up in the shower together. She’d felt his arousal but he hadn’t allowed things to progress beyond that. Her heart and her head both knew he’d pulled away because he and sensed her unease and hadn’t wanted to hurt her but she couldn’t stop that voice of doubt in the back of her mind that suggested that maybe he’d been too repulsed by her and what had happened to want to really be intimate with her. 

She tried to push that voice out of her head as being ridiculous but it kept on by reminding her that tonight Sam had barely even kissed her since he’d met her at the top of the stairs. Did he think she was covering up something worse that might have happened? Was he disgusted to think that she’d been that close to being attacked a third time? Did he think she should have found another way of incapacitating her assailant? Had he finally decided she wasn’t worth the effort? Tears filled her eyes. She’d battled enough for one day; she didn’t have to strength to fight her own inner demons as well. 

Turning out the light, she left the bathroom and returned to Sam’s bedroom. Initially she thought he was asleep. He was sprawled out on his stomach pretty much over the spot she’d been sleeping on before going to the bathroom. As she closed the door behind her, he twisted back to his original position and smiled at her. “I warmed it up as much as I could. Sorry, I didn’t realize just how cold four ice packs could leave a bed.”

The sweetness of the gesture was too much for her in her current emotional state. She turned back toward the door, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears that started down her cheeks. She should have known he was too perceptive because it wasn’t anytime before his strong hand cupped her shoulder turning her gently to face him. His other hand reached up to gently wipe away the tears.

“Jules? Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Is it the pain? Do you need to take something for it?” She shook her head and he pulled her closer. “Damn it Jules please tell me you aren’t shedding tears over that bastard’s death. He’s not worth it.” Again she shook her head. Sam almost growled in frustration. He wanted to help her, wanted to be able to reassure her in whatever fears might be haunting her but he couldn’t do it if she wouldn’t talk to him. It wasn’t that he thought she was purposefully avoiding telling him, but it didn’t make it any easier to help her. He took a deep breath wishing for a moment that he could have had just five minutes alone in a room with the man who had put her through all this. He ran his hand soothingly up and down her back. “Jules, sweetheart, whatever it is, it’s okay. We’ll make it better. It’s over with now and he can’t hurt you anymore. Anything else we can work through.”

After several long excruciating minutes Jules looked up at Sam. “Would you do something for me?”

There was a pleading in her voice he’d never heard before mixed with a little fear that he’d outright say no. Perhaps it was that fear he heard that made him say without hesitation. “Anything.”

“Kiss me.”

Sam started a trail of light kisses from her left temple down the left side of her face before burying his head in the crease of her neck and kissing her there. She whimpered slightly and pulled back. He looked at her uncertainly. 

“No, really kiss me.”

His eyes searched hers, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She was only partially letting him be privy to her inner emotions, enough that he could see that it was important to her that he do so but not why. Still, he hesitated. “Jules, your lip…I don’t want…”

Her shoulders slumped and she looked away from him. “Funny, you’ve had your fair share of busted lips playing hockey but it’s never stopped you from kissing me before. I guess it’s just me…”

She pulled away from him and returned to the bed. Sam wanted to kick himself, realizing she had misinterpreted his reasons for not wanting to kiss her. He joined her in the bed but her back was turned to him. He moved her hair from the back of her neck and kissed her there. “You’re right Jules. It is you. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s different when it’s me that’s hurt. I’ll put up with a little pain if I have to but I don’t want to cause you any discomfort, not when you’ve already been through so much.”

“So to hell with what I want. Is that what you’re saying? I’m too fragile to take a little pain? That’s just great. Thanks.”

Sam rose up and leaned over her bringing his lips down over hers, kissing and silencing her at the same time. For a moment she tensed but then relaxed, responding to his kiss as if she was half-starved. She rolled onto her back and wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer. Any hesitancy on his own part faded as he recognized the urgency in which she was returning the kiss. There was a desperation in her kiss the likes he’d never felt before. It wasn’t like he’d avoided kissing her since the attack; the kisses they’d shared the night he’d taken her to play miniature golf was proof of that. Every time he tried to pull back to give them both the opportunity to breathe she pulled him back to her mouth. 

Once it seemed like he no longer breathed air but kisses, the kiss slowly came to an end and she allowed him to pull away. Her lips were once more swollen but it didn’t appear that she cared one way or the other. Sam laid down beside her and pulled her gently into his embrace. They didn’t say anything as their breathing slowly returned to normal. Sam reached up to caress the left side of her face tenderly. “Jules, don’t think I’m complaining because I’m not. Because wow, I mean wow. But can you explain what’s just happened here? I can’t help but feel like that was more than just a kiss.”

For a moment Jules didn’t answer. How could she explain the fear that had washed over her in the bathroom? If she professed to feeling ugly and unlovable, Sam would react strongly. He’d go out of his way to reassure her with words that she couldn’t be more wrong. But she didn’t need to hear him say he thought she was beautiful even if she was bruised. Didn’t need to hear him say he loved her. Her heart and mind didn’t doubt either of those statements. But at least for tonight, her fears went deeper than her heart or her mind and she needed more than just words, no matter how sincere and heartfelt they were. Finally she took a deep shaky breath, knowing she owed him some sort of explanation. 

“I felt… I mean I looked…” Words were failing her. She’d never been good at expressing her feelings or needs; hated to appear weak or needy. His sparkling blue eyes boring into her said he was trying to understand and not to push. She took another deep breath and just plunged ahead. “I needed to feel loved and desired.”

Sam nodded. “And did I do that for you? Make you feel loved and desired?”

She nodded softly not really looking at him. Sam sighed. “Your head is nodding yes but I think there’s more that you aren’t telling me. What is it?”

A warm blush crept into her cheeks. “Make love to me.”

Sam closed his eyes and inwardly groaned. Wasn’t he just worrying before she woke up about screwing things up no matter how well-intentioned his actions might be? At the same time he felt his body react to her earnest plea. What hot-blooded male could hear the woman he loved make such a request and not find himself instantly hard and willing to comply? At the same time, it was clear that Jules was struggling with some sort of deep seated doubts and insecurities, which was completely understandable given everything she’d been through. She wasn’t thinking about her own limitations and comfort. Didn’t he owe it to her and them both to be strong when she couldn’t? Was there a right answer either way?

“Jules, please don’t ask that of me. I want to give in to any request you have for me tonight. But you’re asking too much. Kissing your poor battered lips is one thing. It might hurt for the moment but it’s not going to cause irreparable damage. Making love to you tonight just might. Even if you hadn’t been hurt tonight it would have been too soon. I told you the other night, we would get back what we had and more but we needed to wait until the doctor said it was okay.”

Jules frowned. “The forensic nurse checked me tonight when she was collecting evidence. She said it was fine.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed and he couldn’t help but feel hurt. “Jules, I’ve never known you to lie to me; you might not tell me the whole truth, but never an outright lie. Please don’t start now. I was right outside the cubicle. I heard you refuse to have another SAE saying it wasn’t necessary.”

“Then don’t treat me like I don’t know my own body. I might not be 100% fully healed but it’s not like you would hurt me if you made love to me not any more than kissing me did. I know you would be gentle.”

Sam felt like he was negotiating a very sensitive critical incident or worse a mine field. One wrong step and everything was going to blow up in his face. “Okay, let’s say for a moment you are healed enough that I wouldn’t hurt you. What about the antibiotics you are on? I know some experts question whether antibiotics actually affect the effectiveness of birth control pills but do we really want to take that chance?”

Jules sniffled. “You could wear a condom, that would negate the risk of the antibiotics I‘m on. I’m sure you probably still have some in your nightstand from when we first started dating. Please Sam. Tonight, I don’t need reasons why we shouldn’t. I just need to feel okay; like none of this happened.”

Her pleas went against everything he’d tried to tell himself. That she wasn’t physically ready for them to be intimate. That him wearing a condom would remind her too much of what had almost happened. His eyes searched hers trying to read what she was actually thinking. Could he really turn her down? Didn’t she deserve to have some control over her body and what happened to it? Even if he didn’t really think it was right? He cursed himself inwardly. 

“Are you sure it’s what you really want and not something you feel like you have to do to prove something?”

She nodded. To further prove her point, she reached down and taking the hem of her t-shirt, raised it over her head. The movement jarred her bruised ribs but she hid the grimace of pain knowing that if Sam saw it he would change his mind. Sam reached for the waistband of her shorts and helped her out of them, his eyes never straying from her face so that he could not only see the first sign of distress but to avoid looking at her battered body that said this was completely the wrong time to be doing this. He removed his own clothes and reached into the nightstand for a foil packet. She wanted to make love to him, wanted to feel in control of her life once more. He wanted the intimacy just as much as she did, the current state of his manhood attested to that. That had to make it okay, didn’t it?

He looked back at her and knew the answer was no; despite what she was saying, her body was tensed, an equal mix of longing and fear radiating from her eyes. He tossed the still wrapped condom back on the nightstand. “I’m sorry Jules. I can’t do this. As much as I want to give you anything you want I can’t give you this. Maybe you are ready. Maybe it’s not too soon for you but it is for me. I know you trust me; I know you are sure that I won’t hurt you but I’m not as sure as you are. Please know that it has nothing to do with not wanting to make love to you. I do more than you can know. I want nothing more than to show you just how much I love and desire you. But I can’t do that at the expense of you and what you really need. I can’t make love to you while you are hurt. It’s wrong on so many levels.”

Jules’s eyes dimmed. “I get it; I saw myself in the mirror. I guess I can’t blame you for not wanting to make love to me.”

Sam growled lowly, cursing himself for not being able to make her understand why he couldn’t give her what she claimed to want. Instead of trying to reason with her further, he pulled her flush against him so that she had no choice but to feel the swollen throbbing evidence of how much he did desire her pressed against her upper thigh, letting his body tell her what her ears refused to hear. 

It worked in more ways than one. She could feel the desire he felt for her without question. But at the same time, in that moment she knew he was right even if she didn’t want him to be. She did trust him and she did believe he wouldn’t hurt her on purpose but she could suddenly feel herself freezing up and knew that if things went any further she would end up freaking out and pushing him away. She bit back a sob and repeated quietly.

“I just wanted to feel okay again. I thought I could handle more but you‘re right; I‘m just not ready.”

“It’s okay Jules. You’re okay. We’re okay. Can you handle this? Me holding you with nothing between us?” She nodded. Sam sighed. “Then tonight that’s what we do. Tomorrow we go on from there.”

He gently rubbed her bare back and kept repeating his reassurances until she once more fell asleep in his arms. Then he kissed her forehead. Tonight he’d hold her. Tomorrow he had to face the fact that as much as he loved her -- because he loved her, he had to admit that he was in over his head.


	47. Chapter 47

_Nine year old Sam Braddock stared straight ahead without moving a muscle. It didn’t matter that his shoes were pinching his feet or that the collar of the brand new starch white shirt was itching the back of his neck. Didn’t matter that sweat was trickling down his back and the sounds of sobbing behind him made him want to turn around and see who the sobs belonged to. But none of that mattered and he didn’t so much as blink an eye more that what would be considered normal. Standing at attention without wavering was a skill he’d practiced for years, learning to be the perfect little soldier. After all, it was what people expected of the only son of Colonel Warren Braddock and what the Colonel himself expected. Sam needed to make his father proud of him on this day in particular if for no other reason than to make up for all the ways he’d disappointed his father over the last few days._

_Disappointed his father because he hadn’t been able to stop that car from jumping the curb and hitting his sister, failing to protect the troops the way a good soldier would. Disappointed his father by being so distraught kneeling beside his sister’s dead shoeless body when help arrived that he couldn’t even choke out his name, rank, and serial number like any good soldier would delaying his parents being notified until one of the officers checked for the military ID all dependents had to carry with them on base. Disappointed his father by whining at the funeral home that they couldn’t put his little sister in a small box because she didn’t like small spaces and further argued that didn’t they know that’s why she hated playing hide and seek because she couldn’t bring herself to hide in the really cool small tight places that would make it impossible for anyone to find instead of just sucking it up like a man the way a good soldier would._

_So for today, the day they were lowering that stupid wooden box that his sister would hate but his parents had insisted on into the ground and forever sealing his sister in a tight small space she would hate and be afraid of, he would be the good soldier. He’d stare straight ahead with a passive face for however long it took even though he’d much prefer to cling to his mother’s leg and sob the way three year old Natalie was doing. Nobody was looking at her and telling her she wasn’t being a good soldier._

_That night, long after all the well-meaning friends and family had left the family with well-meaning words of comfort and dishes of casseroles and cakes, Sam lay curled up in the privacy of his own bedroom in his own bed with the covers pulled up over his head to hide the silent tears he finally allowed himself to shed, hard heavy tears of guilt and despair. When his door opened, he tried to hold himself still so that whoever was coming in wouldn’t realize he was awake. It didn’t work and his mother sat beside him on the bed. He knew it was his mother because he had heard her heels clicking on the hardwood floor and could smell the scent of her perfume drifting through the covers._

_She pulled the blanket back and tenderly touched his cheek. “Oh, Sammie. Come here.”_

_For a moment, the idea of being a good soldier didn’t seem so important as he scrambled up into his mother’s comforting embrace. He cried silently, not wanting to take a chance that his father would hear him being less than the soldier he expected him to be. His mother rocked him back and forth, speaking soothing words into his ear and stroking his hair. Finally the little boy pulled back._

_“I’m sorry, Mom.”_

_His mother’s own eyes were bright with tears as she brushed his away. “You have nothing to be sorry for Sam. None of this was your fault.”_

_“Should have been me. I should have been the one that car hit not her.”_

_His mother frowned. “No, Sam, it shouldn’t have been you. It shouldn’t have been either of you. That driver should have been paying attention. Sweetheart, what happened to your sister wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent what happened.”_

_Sam wiped his eyes with the crook of his arm. “Dad could have. If I’d been a better soldier…”_

_Interrupting him with reassurances that fell on deaf ears, his mother made a decision. The chaplain earlier had given her the name of a grief counselor and suggested that little Sam might benefit from talking to an expert about what he’d been forced to witness. She hadn’t mentioned the card to her husband because she’d known he’d resist the idea with everything in him. The man might be a great leader but was completely old school on his beliefs about getting outside professional help. She’d make the call first thing in the morning because she didn’t want her son growing up unwilling to ask for help when he needed it._

\-- FP -- 

  
_“Sam, do you know why you‘re here?” The grief counselor gently asked the young boy sitting on the couch opposite where he was sitting. The nine year old boy nodded._

_“I failed in my duty to my family, Sir.”_

_Children were his least favorite patients to treat, the counselor admitted to himself. It wasn’t that he had anything against kids; in fact he loved their innocence and energy. His aversion to treating them had more to do with the fact that he hated the idea that any child should experience a loss great enough to need counseling in the first place. Kids should be carefree and happy and secure in their beliefs that live should last forever._

_But even though the patient sitting in front of him was a definite child by age and stature, everything about the way he carried himself and spoke reminded him of the few times he’d been asked to speak to a soldier after a particular painful death. Usually kids, especially boys, he had to counsel were in perpetual motion in his office. Nervously drumming their fingers on the couch or swinging their legs that were too short to reach the floor from where they were sitting. Some even went so far as to roam about the office picking up and examining the various knick-knacks he had scattered about. Not Sam. He was sitting completely still, ramrod straight hands neatly folded in his lap with his fingers entwined in each other. He looked at the notes he’d written down from talking to the boy’s mother. Military family, one that had already moved from military base to military base several times. Father was a colonel on the fast track to making general. Obviously the military influence had been firmly instilled in Sam._

_“Is that what you believe happened? That you failed a duty you were given.” He wondered for a moment if he gave the boy the command ‘at ease’ if the stiff soldier stance would disappear and he’d become the typical kid who kicked at the edge of the couch until someone got annoyed enough to ask him to stop._

_“Yes sir. My objective was to get my sister and myself to the park safely. I failed to do that and my failure resulted in the loss of my sister.”_

_Did he even hear how he sounded? The boy sounded more military than any real soldier that had ever sat on the couch. Was this how he was coping? By hiding behind some extreme military façade he’d possible learned from his father? Becoming stoic so he didn’t have to acknowledge the pain the loss of his sister had caused in him or to ease the misplaced guilt he had over her death itself? He knew he had to break through his defense but he couldn’t appear to be attacking him._

_“Park, huh? I used to love going to the park. The jungle gym was my favorite. I liked to hang from the center until my arms gave out and I couldn’t hold on any longer. Did you and your sister go to the park often?”_

_“Yes sir. Every day. 1400 hours. Just in time for Nattie’s nap.”_

_Again he consulted his notes. Natalie was the baby sister, three years old. “Why usually then?”_

_Sam started to shrug but stopped himself, thinking a good soldier probably wouldn’t shrug. “Nattie hates taking naps. Wants to play instead especially if we’re making noise. So I take Carrie to the park so the house is quiet.”_

_“You sound like a good big brother to both your sisters.” There was a momentary flash in the boy’s eyes that spoke of the doubt of how that statement could be true given the fact that his sister had died on his watch. The counselor switched back to an easier topic. “What did Carrie like best about the park?”_

_“The merry-go-round. I can make it go really fast. We like to see how long we can stay on it without getting dizzy. But lately I’ve been helping her climb the big slide. Mom won’t let her climb it when she takes us because she’s scared Carrie will fall and break something. But I stay right behind her the whole way up the ladder so she doesn’t get hurt.”_

_The counselor was glad to see that as the boy talked, some of the rigidity in his muscles seemed to relax and he once more started to resemble the little boy he should be. It was obvious that Sam took his role of protective big brother seriously. Convincing him that he wasn’t responsible for his sister’s death would take work. But hopefully he could convince him that it was okay to be a kid as they worked through it._

_The office door banged opened as a tall imposing figure burst into the room with the receptionist and Mrs. Braddock right on his heels. Immediately Sam drew back up to attention. The counselor stood. “I’m sorry, these sessions are private. You’ll have to wait…”_

_“These sessions are over. No son of mine needs some head shrinker messing with his mind. Braddock men don’t go airing their problems with strangers. Come on Sam. We’re going home.”_

_Before the counselor could try to reason with the military man, Sam joined his father and after casting the counselor a regretful look, followed his dad from the room. Mrs. Braddock apologized._

_“I’m sorry. I don’t know how he found out I made the appointment. He sees Sam acting like nothing is bothering him and thinks Sam is being a good soldier. But my son isn’t one of his soldiers. He’s just a little boy._

_The counselor watched the retreating figure of the little boy who’d just left his office. “You think you can convince your husband to let Sam continue to see me?”_

_Mrs. Braddock raised her eyebrow. “You just saw him. Does it look like he can be convinced? I’m sorry. I knew Warren wouldn’t agree to counseling. He thinks talking about feelings is a waste of time. Actions speak louder than words and all. It’s why I didn’t tell him I was bringing Sam to see you. I just don’t want my son to suffer because my husband is hard headed. Was that so wrong of me?”_

_Remembering how the little soldier had started to melt away to reveal a hurt little boy, the counselor shook his head. “No, I don’t think it was wrong at all.”_

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Dr. Amanda Luria felt like she was watching a tennis match with only one player playing both sides of the court. She leaned back in her chair trying to give a relaxed air. Only her eyes followed every movement as Sam Braddock paced from one end of her couch to the other end and past it toward the door leading out of the office. Each time he approached the door she wondered if this was the time he’d opened it and leave without ever explaining why he’d called and asked to see her in the first place. He’d been in her office for almost twenty minutes and he’d yet to say a word other than a terse hello when she greeted him. She wasn’t surprised; when he’d called and asked if she had time to talk to him she’d known that it wouldn’t be easy for him to open up. She’d quickly recognized when he first joined the SRU that he had a deep seated reluctance about opening up to her. In fact, she’d been so sure that it would take him awhile to open up that after telling him to come on in, she’d asked her receptionist to cancel her morning appointments. Still sometimes a little nudging helped.

“I guess this has been a really tough week for you.”

He stopped mid-pace and stared at her. The surprise on his face was obvious and she wondered if it was the statement itself or if he’d actually forgotten she was there. “For me? My week’s been nothing compared to Jules’s week. She was sexually assaulted in her own home, drugged so she had no choice but to allow it to happen, reminded of the attack that happened when she was a teenager. Then if that wasn’t bad enough, she comes home to find that her kitten -- the first pet she’s allowed herself to love since the death of her first cat twenty years ago -- had been locked in a sweltering attic and left to die. It was only by chance that we saved him. Then last night the bastard comes back for a second attempt. Fortunately Jules shot him before he could rape her but not before he roughed her up quite a bit. So please, don’t sit there talking about how tough my week might have been because my week’s been a freaking circus compared to hers.”

Amanda didn’t know about the cat or the second attack but her expression didn’t give that away. “Sam, why don’t you sit down before you wear a hole in my carpet. Yes, all of those things happened to Jules but she’s not the only one affected by them. I know how close the two of you are. Don’t forget, I saw you the other night when they brought Jules in to the ER. She might have been the one the doctor was treating but you were hurting just as much. More importantly I know you Sam. I performed your first psych evaluation when your application was fast tracked into SRU. You are fiercely loyal and protective to the people you care about; a trait you share with your co-workers but yours goes so much deeper than what I usually see in SRU officers. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say watching Jules suffer through all of this has been just as painful for you in an entirely different way.”

Sam flopped onto the couch and buried his head in his hands. “I didn’t come here to talk about me. My concern is only about Jules. Jules is the one who needs help.”

Dr. Luria didn’t completely believe him and was pretty sure he didn’t believe himself either. She rose from her chair and walked around her desk to join Sam on the couch. She put a comforting hand on his back. “Sam, you’re right Jules does need help; recovering from the type of trauma she endured doesn’t go away by itself easily. However, if that’s why you are really here then I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. I can’t help Jules unless she’s willing to ask for it.”

Sam sighed. “Jules isn’t one to ask for help.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to say Jules wasn‘t the only one. But she refrained. “You can’t ask for it for her. You know that. So why are you really here?”

Sam looked at her, his blue eyes reflecting his worry. “I’ve had the training. I know how to talk to victims. I know what to say to them but what good does that do me now? Jules has the same training and it doesn’t help her, doesn‘t make it any easier for her to look in a mirror and see every bruise as some indication that she‘s less than what she really is. She’s strong and I know she’s fighting to get back everything that was taken from her but I can see it in her eyes at times that she’s still that same scared teenager whose uncle stole her innocence. One moment everything seems like it’s going to be okay and the very next she looks convinced nothing will ever be okay again.”

Sam paused. Dr. Luria gave him a second before she responded. “And because you’ve had the training you know that’s not unusual at all. It’s only been what five days since she was attacked? I would imagine her emotions are probably all over the place. And knowing Jules the way I know it, I can only imagine how frustrating it is for her. It’s not easy for her to feel the least little bit weak let alone allow others see it in her. But again, I don’t think you came here for me to tell you that.”

 _Braddock men don’t go airing their problems with strangers._ His father’s words echoed in his head like an accusation. Screw his father, Jules was more important than appearing weak. “I’m afraid she needs more than I can give her. What if I give her my best and it just makes things worse for her?”

Dr. Luria considered his words and more importantly what he wasn’t saying. She could tell it cost him a lot just to spill those words out to her. “Sam, what makes you think she needs anything more than your love and support as she deals with what happened to her? I can’t believe you aren’t giving her an abundant amount of both.”

Sam rose again and return to his pacing. She didn’t say anything, sensing he needed the comfort of moving as a way of releasing the stress building up in him. “Love and support can’t fix what’s hurting her. It doesn’t make it better. If it did, you really wouldn’t have a job would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t but I never said anything about fixing anything. You asked about giving her what she needs. Do you think she needs fixing?”

Sam stopped two feet away from the door and turned to look at her, his face slack. “You make it sound like she’s broken. She’s not some fragile piece of china that needs piecing back together. She’s going through a rough time but he didn’t break her; she’s too strong for that.”

“I didn’t say she was broken. I’m just trying to understand what you are concerned about.”

“She’s not broken. I’ve never thought she was broken. She’s the strongest person I know of. If you could think I would think that about her maybe I shouldn’t have come here. I should leave. I’m sorry I wasted your time.” 

His hand was on the doorknob, ready to turn it. Dr. Luria frowned. “Sam, you aren’t wasting my time, and I don’t think you think Jules is broken. But I do think you are the type of person who’s accustomed to being able to find a solution to every problem. Much the way you do whenever you take up a Sierra position. There’s no set prescribed solution in cases of assault. Think of it this way, the team responds to a hot call. You’re fed information about what might be happening on the fly and you have profiles that tell you the most likely outcome a plan of attack will have. But I don’t care how reliable your information is or how perfect your profiles are, sometimes they’re not enough. What do you do then? You don’t just throw your hands up and give in and say a situation can’t be resolved.”

Sam shook his head. “We look at the situation as it exists for us and then we revise and adapt.”

“So let’s look at your situation as it exists for you and Jules right now. Something must have happened that has made you worry that you are going to make things worse for her. So why not sit down and tell me about it. It could be that you are already doing everything you need to in order to give Jules what she needs. If not, I’ll help you figure out how to revise and adapt what you are doing.”

She was relieved that his hand was off the knob but could tell he still seemed reluctant. “Sam, remember, anything you say is completely confidential. Nobody will ever know what we discuss.”

Sam stared at her for several minutes, warring against his desire to help Jules and the idea that it was completely wrong to kiss and tell. Finally he nodded and returned to the couch. “Okay.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Flip. Flip. Flip. 

Jules closed the magazine and tossed it back onto the table. She started to reach for another one but the idea of looking at another periodical full of perfect looking celebrities didn’t appeal to her in the slightest. She shifted uncomfortably on the couch she was sitting on and picked at an invisible piece of lint on her jeans. She could jump off a building trusting her rappelling line to catch her or over a railing toward a suspect shooting a gun in her direction without batting an eyelash or experiencing a moment of fear but walking into this office once a year was almost enough to send her over the edge. Today was even worse than usual. She’d tried to ignore the horrified look the receptionist had given her as she signed in. She was trying now to ignore the fact that every person sitting in the waiting room was casting questioning looks her way. Of course they were all looking at her. She looked like the ugly bridesmaid of the bride of Frankenstein’s monster.

Spike reached over and took one of her hands in his giving it a reassuring squeeze and continued to hold it. He leaned closer so that only she’d be able to hear him. “I’ll admit it took me a few minutes but I finally figured out what kind of doctor’s office we’re in. The photographs on the wall that look suspiciously like those grainy black and white pictures I’ve seen in Wordy’s and Ed’s lockers should have been my first clue I guess but it wasn’t until I realized that over half the women in this waiting room seem to be at different stages of plumpness that I finally caught a clue. Somehow, when you said you had a doctor’s appointment, this wasn’t what I had in mind.”

Any other time, she might have taken a perverse delight in knowing her friend was even more uncomfortable than she was. But between feeling a little resentful that she had inherited a babysitter and her usual unease at visiting her GYN, she couldn’t muster much mirth at Spike’s expense. “Yeah, well, you didn’t have to come with me.”

Spike shrugged. “Actually I kind of did. Sam made me promise to keep an eye on you when he left the apartment this morning to take care of whatever it was he had to do. I wouldn’t want him getting mad at me if he came home and found out you left to run errands as well. Besides, I saw you take that pain pill this morning and I’m pretty sure there’s a warning on the label that says you aren’t supposed to drive while it’s in your system. I don’t mind keeping you company. It’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever been in this particular type of doctor’s office before. Well, at least not after I was born or old enough to remember.”

“Yeah well, if it makes you feel better, I’m not used to having company when I come here. I don’t even let Sam come with me. Hell, I don’t even tell him _I’m_ coming.” She didn’t add that normally she didn’t even want to tell herself that she had an appointment until she arrived. 

The looks of concern she was getting mixed with the dagger-like glares that were being directed toward Spike were unnerving her. She knew what the other occupants of the waiting room were thinking. That she was a battered woman and that Spike was probably responsible. Spike was such a sweetie that at any other time it would be laughable to think anyone would suspect him of inflicting such damage on a woman. 

Trying to take her mind off her discomfort, Jules wondered what Sam was doing. She’d been surprised earlier when he’d kissed her and said he had some errands he needed to run if she didn’t mind. She’d figured after the latest attack he wouldn’t be willing to let her out of his sight for a long while. It must have been something he considered very important if he was willing to leave her side temporarily even if he had appointed Spike her babysitter in the meanwhile. 

“Julianna Callaghan?” The nurse appeared at the door leading back to the exam rooms. 

For a moment Jules continued to sit there and Spike could feel the tremble in her fingers which he was still holding. She blinked and looked first at his hand in hers and then at him. She frowned. “I don’t care what you promised Sam. You aren’t going back there with me.”

Spike shuddered at the thought. “Yeah, not enough money in the world to make me even think about that. Just do me a favor; if I‘m not here when you come out, please come bail me out of jail. I get the idea some of these folks are ready to call the cops on me or something.” 

The moment of levity seemed to calm her and she stood, easing her hand out of his. He wasn’t sure how long a visit to this type of doctor would last. Didn’t want to think about what all a visit to this type of doctor would entail. Didn’t want to think about it at all. 

Still he was surprised when less than fifteen minutes later, Jules returned, almost running despite her still sore ankle and knee. A nurse and doctor tried to stop her but she didn’t seem to hear them. Spike rose and followed after as she rushed out of the office completely without so much as a glance his way. He caught up with her near the elevator. He called her name softly not wanting to scare her as he approached. 

She was obviously upset but he wasn’t sure about what. She turned and collapsed into his arms breathing hard. He wrapped his arms loosely around her shaking body, wanting to comfort her but not overwhelm her. 

“I couldn’t do it. The nurse took me to the exam room and handed me a gown. Told me to change and that the doctor would be in shortly. I looked at the exam table and the stirrups and I started to shake. I thought about the doctor snapping on those damn latex gloves and I thought I was going to throw up. I just stood there unable to move. Couldn’t undress, couldn’t leave. She knocked and opened the door and I bolted. Didn’t look back.”

Spike wished Sam were there because he would know what to say to make things better and Spike just wasn’t sure he could do the same, didn’t know if his arms around her would make her feel better or worse. “It’s okay Jules. It was just too soon.”

She shook her head and pulled free of his embrace to lean against the wall. “I needed to be able to do this. Needed to put this first hurdle behind me so that I knew I was ready for more. So that I could convince Sam it was okay, that I was okay. I should have been able to do this.”

Spike just watched her. He didn’t know what to say or if he should even try to say anything. He’d never heard Jules just ramble this way before. He knew there was something he must be missing and again he wished that Sam were there because he knew his best friend would understand. Turning he leaned against the wall next to her. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself, you know? I can’t even begin to know what you’re going through. But from where I’m standing you must be doing a freaking amazing job. I mean you missed what a day and a half of work and come back and still manage to save a whole family on a hot call? I think I want to grow up to be you.”

His sheepish expression was meant to further calm her. She rolled her eyes and blew out her breath. “Wouldn’t recommend that one right now. I don’t even want to be me. Why would you?”

“Because you blow me away with your strength. So you’ve not at the top of your game 100% of the time; that’s still better than what most of the rest of us are capable of. And if you are feeling less than your best you can count on us to have your back every step of the way. Whatever you need whenever you need it.”

“I need everything to be normal again; even it’s just for one evening and it’s for pretend.” 

Spike nodded. “Okay.”

Jules shook her head. “Okay what?”

“Normal evening. Done. You’ve missed out on the last couple of times the team’s gotten together so we really haven’t had a team outing lately. When we get back, I’ll put out the calls and get everyone on board for drinks tonight. It’ll be great.”

Jules actually laughed. She knew she was lucky to have such good friends. “Awesome. Got a plan on how to keep me from losing the last grip of sanity I have left?”

Spike eyed her carefully for several minutes. Then he nodded. “Yeah, I think I do. Let’s go.”


	48. Chapter 48

“Sam, I have to tell you, it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things.” Dr. Luria assured the young man sitting next to her. 

Sam sighed. “Doesn’t feel like the right thing when I see her all upset and feeling rejected. I don’t want to hurt her but what if in my attempt to not hurt her I hurt her worse.”

Dr. Luria shook her head. “Sam, even if you do all the right things at the right time there’s a chance that Jules is going to take it the wrong way, at least temporarily. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’ve hurt her. You told me about what happened last night. How did she react to you this morning?”

Sam rubbed his face. “She didn’t bring it up. She didn’t act like she was mad at me but I could still see some doubts in her eyes. I wanted to ask her about it but didn’t want to upset her all over again.”

“You can’t avoid talking about what’s happening between the two of you because you’re worried about how she’ll react. Truth is, she’s probably going to get upset, mad, yell, scream, maybe even punch a little. Chances are she‘s even going to worry about hurting you with her reactions as much as you are worried about hurting her. Are you going to hold it against her if she does?”

Unconsciously Sam rubbed his chest remembering the night he’d made her leave attic when she was trying to put the window in and was getting too hot. The way she’d laid into him and then gotten upset afraid afterward. He shook his head, understanding what Dr. Luria was trying to get him to see. “So what do I do?”

“Trust your instincts. As far as I can see, they haven’t led you astray yet. Be sensitive to her feelings but don’t be afraid stand up for your own feelings as well. If you feel like you’ve hurt her or she’s hurt you, don’t push the issue while emotions are still raw but talk about it later.”

The phone on her desk buzzed and Dr. Luria frowned. She’d told her receptionist to hold all her calls. With an apology to Sam, she stood an went to her desk and picked up the receiver. “I thought I told you…” Her eyes widened. “No, that’s great. Dr. Shuller is out of his office today, right? Why not let her wait for me in there while I finish up in here. I’ll be with her shortly.”

She hung up the receiver and turned back to Sam who was already standing. “Sounds like you have someone else who needs you. I appreciate you taking the time to see me.”

Dr. Luria reached out to touch his arm. “I’m here for you and Jules both, Sam. Anytime.” She took one of her cards from the holder on her desk and quickly scrawled a phone number on the back. “I gave one of these to Jules the day her father had his heart attack. That’s my cell phone number on the back. If you feel like you are in over your head, you can call me. Even it will be confidential.”

He accepted the card with a nod. Despite all the seeds of mistrust his father had planted in him from an early age about getting professional help, Sam didn’t feel like any less of a man for having made this visit. Dr. Luria hadn’t given him all the answers he might have been looking for, but at least he felt better about what he was trying to do. “Thanks.”

She nodded, but didn’t quite feel she’d given him everything he needed to hear. “Sam, I know you are trying to protect Jules. You’ve seen all the pain she’s gone through and you want to spare her from going though any more. Nobody can fault you for that. But you might have to accept the realization that getting back everything she lost might mean she has to endure a little pain. I’m not saying it’ll be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is. I know she’s strong enough to be okay with that and I can’t help but believe your relationship will survive just as strong if not stronger. What I’m not so sure of and what you need to give a lot of thought to is whether you can be okay seeing her in pain and maybe even causing a little of that pain.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “I can’t hurt her. Didn’t you hear anything I’ve said; that’s why I came to you because I don’t want to even inadvertently cause her pain.”

Luria smiled. “I know and that’s why I brought it up. Maybe I didn’t phrase it the right way. You would do anything to help Jules, wouldn’t you?” Sam nodded emphatically. “If, and please don’t think I’m saying I think this would happen, she asked you to back off and leave her alone you would do it, wouldn’t you? Even if it hurt like hell to do so?” Again he nodded. “So what if instead of pushing you away, she decides she needs you even closer, that she needs you to help her face her fears sooner rather than later? Can you do that even if there’s a chance it might hurt a little in the process?”

“I don’t know.” Sam answered softly but honestly. Then he turned back toward the door, suddenly not feeling as good about his visit as he had moments earlier. “I should go, you’ve got a patient waiting.”

“She‘ll wait. Right now, it‘s about you.” Or at least Luria hoped she would, she added mentally. “It’s okay not to know right now. That’s why I said it was something you needed to think about. Something maybe the two of you need to talk about. Maybe it’ll help you to remember that sometimes the experiences that give us the most pleasure are the ones that were the most difficult to get. Triumphs made sweeter because of the struggle to get them.”

Kind of like his relationship with Jules, he thought to himself. Would he feel as strongly about her now if they hadn’t had to fight for everything they had together? “Maybe, but…”

“One last thing, ever had to remove a stubborn band-aid? You know it’s going to hurt for a moment but you rip it off anyway because it’s better than just letting it irritate you. What if getting past her fears is one big band-aid for Jules and she needs you to help her rip it off so she can put it past her? I don’t want you to answer that right now. Think about it long and hard. I trust that you’ll do the right thing. More importantly I think Jules trusts you even more. Figure out a way to trust yourself as much as she does.”

The look Sam gave her as he nodded reminded her of the same look he’d given her when he first joined the team and she offered him a small pink fishing rod to use to make amends for an earlier mistake. She smiled at him as she walked him to the door. She gave him a slight pat on the back. “Remember, Sam, I’m only a phone call away if you need to talk.”

Sam thanked her again and made his way down the hallway to the waiting room. He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t pay attention to anyone sitting in the soft comfortable chairs but something familiar caught his eye. He stopped and frowned. 

“Spike? What are you doing here? I thought you were with Jules.” 

Spike stopped in the middle of flipping the page in the magazine he’d picked up. He was as surprised to see Sam as Sam was to see him. The outer door to the doctor’s office hadn’t opened so that meant Sam had to have already been inside. Spike opened his mouth and then closed it again. The last person he’d expected to see in Dr. Luria’s office was Sam. At the same time, he didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t want Sam to worry about Jules but he didn’t want to reveal that Jules was here as well.

She hadn’t been thrilled when she’d realized his big idea had been bringing her up a few floors to see Dr. Luria. In fact, he’d thought she was going to get so mad at him that she would leave him in the dust much the way she’d left the other doctor’s office. The glare she’d given him when she read the name outside the office cut through him. It was then that he unloaded his own experience on her. 

_“You know what, Jules, I get it. You said downstairs that you felt like you were losing your last grip on sanity. Trust me I know how that feels. I’ve been there. After my dad died and Ma decided to leave, I was at the end of my rope. I started questioning everything, started questioning myself and the answers weren‘t looking so good. Guilt was eating me alive, guilt that I hadn’t saved Lew, that I hadn’t been able to give my dad the one thing that he wanted, that the job almost kept me from getting to him in time to say goodbye. You were there for me when I needed a friend more so than any of the rest of the team but I couldn’t even let you see just how much I was hurting. Then one day as I’m boxing up everything as we’re getting ready to sell the house I came across one of Dr. L’s cards from when she did the grief counseling after Lew died. I don’t even know why I kept it but suddenly I picked up the phone and called her. It surprised me how much it helped to unload everything I was feeling to someone who, while familiar, wasn’t someone I had to see on a daily basis. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there talking about everything that I was feeling but I was and as painful as it was at the time, I started to feel better. Maybe it won’t be as cathartic for you as it was for me but would it hurt to try?”_

It had taken her a long moment before she’d finally nodded and let him lead her inside. At first it appeared the receptionist was going to give Jules a hard time about not having an appointment but her entire demeanor had changed when Spike had asked her to just let Dr. Luria know that Jules Callaghan needed a moment. Suddenly she was more than happy to interrupt the doctor and told Jules to temporarily take a seat. It was only a couple of minutes later that the receptionist was leading Jules back into the inner offices. As soon as he was alone, Spike had pulled out his cell phone and called Greg. He explained the idea of getting the team together that night for drinks to help Jules get her mind off what was going on. After Parker had promised to get Ed and Raf on board, he tentatively asked how Jules was doing. Without telling him anything Jules might not want anyone to know, Spike left it at he just felt like Jules would appreciate getting things back to normal. Greg had agreed and promised to make sure it happened. Only then did Spike pick up a magazine to look through while he waited. 

Sam’s fears were growing wondering how Spike had found him; he hadn’t told anyone where he was going when he left the apartment because he hadn’t wanted to admit he was asking for help. But he knew Spike’s skills knew no limits. If his co-worker had needed to find him because something had happened, Sam was reasonably sure he would have no trouble locating him. Had something happened to Jules? 

Then he noticed that Spike seemed uncomfortable rather than worried and kept casting furtive looks toward the back offices. Then he remembered the cryptic call Dr. Luria had gotten while he was in her office. The idea that Jules would agree to talk to the psychologist shocked him more than his own almost desperate call for help. He glanced back at the offices as well. Then looked back at Spike.

“Thanks.” 

Spike nodded mutely realizing that Sam had pieced things together on his own. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Look, she and I were talking earlier and the team’s getting together for drinks tonight. Team night out for fun. I hope that’s okay.”

Sam nodded and sat in a chair next to him. “Yeah, that actually sounds like a great idea. Look Spike, thanks for not asking what I’m doing here…”

“None of my business. I won’t say anything to Jules about seeing you either.”

Sam smiled his appreciation. “Thanks but I think she’ll figure it out when she sees me sitting here with you when she comes out. I’m not going to throw you to the wolves and make her think you called me. But I can’t walk out of here and pretend nothing major is going on.”

The two men fell into a companionable silence. Spike picked a magazine up and Sam reached for the newspaper. He hadn’t had a chance to look at one this morning; Natalie wasn’t one for reading the paper much so he’d canceled his delivery to the apartment after he’d pretty much moved in with Jules. He sucked in his breath as he saw the top headline. 

**Off-Duty Police Officer Kills Suspected Rapist**

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Dr. Luria had hoped for a moment to observe her second surprise visitor of the day before Jules realized she’d arrived. However, as soon as she opened the door, Jules turned from where she was standing staring at an enlarged framed photograph of an erupting volcano. The psychologist tried not to react to seeing the other woman’s battered face. She would have been even more horrified if Sam hadn’t told her Jules had been attacked again. Although if what she was currently seeing was his idea of “a little roughed up”, she’d hate to see what “had the hell beaten out of her” looked like in his mind. 

“Hello, Jules. I’m glad you decided to come see me.”

Jules started to chew on her bottom lip but the quick reminder that it had suffered enough and the thought that it would be something the psychologist picked up on right away made her stop. “I thought your receptionist was going to all but hogtie me to make sure I didn’t change my mind. Kind of like she was expecting me.”

Luria shrugged. “More like I had hoped you’d either call or stop in. I might have left explicit orders that you were to be given top priority if you should but I don’t think she would have actually have gone so far as to hogtie you though. If you want we can go across the hall to my office.”

Jules glanced around the office she was currently in. Not what she would have expected of a psychologist’s office. The walls were literally covered with framed photographs of different spectacular landscapes. It was strangely comforting. “Would it be okay if we talked in here?”

“Sure. Dr. Shuller is off today; he won’t mind if we use his office. Doug took all these pictures himself. He’s quite the world traveler; I always look forward to him coming back from trips cause I always know he’s going to have fantastic pictures to show off. Would you like to have a seat?”

Jules made her way to an overstuffed chair, avoiding the couch. Dr. Luria hid a smile at her choice of seats and took the couch instead. “Like I said, I’m glad you came in. I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision on your part…”

“It was Spike’s idea. I think I scared him by saying I thought I was losing my grip on sanity. I really must be if I let him talk me into walking through your door.”

Luria made a mental note to send Spike a very special thank you. “You SRU types don’t scare easily. And if it makes you feel better usually people who worry about losing their grip on sanity actually still have a pretty good hold on it. But whatever or whoever convinced you to talk to me aside, you’re here now.”

“I killed two men this week.” Jules blurted out without preamble. 

Again Luria realized Sam’s version of events had been a little lacking. He’d said shot not killed and he’d only mentioned one person. “That had to be difficult.”

Jules shrugged. “I feel bad about one. I didn’t have a choice; he was armed with an assault weapon and threatening to kill his family. It was a Scorpio call and it was the right call but I wish there’d been some other way.”

“The Richard’s incident.” Luria replied. “I read about it in the paper but of course they don’t release the names of the involved SRU officers. That must have been really tough. Those were the calls I hated the most when I was there, the ones where there are no real good outcomes no matter what you do. What about the other one?”

Jules visibly tensed. “He broke into my house and hurt me; he was going to rape me. I got away, got a gun, and I shot him when he came after me again. He didn’t give me a choice. It was him or me and there was no way in hell I was going to be his victim again.”

The psychologist kept her expression completely neutral. “So is that why you feel like you are losing your grip on your sanity? Because you were forced to take lives in order to save others -- your own included?”

Jules shook her head ever so slightly. “No, but it seemed like a better opening than what’s really bothering me. I mean you expect us to have problems after we’re forced to take a life. That’s why we always get that little reminder about the availability of departmental counseling after a shooting. The ones we’re all too stubborn and sure of ourselves and our ability to do our job to pay any attention to.”

“Really? I’d never noticed.” A soft smile played at Luria’s lips to show she was joking. “So, what’s really bothering you then?” 

Talking about her feelings had never been easy for Jules. She’d much rather sweep the feelings under the rug and rely on actions. She certainly didn’t like it when those feelings were painful or embarrassing. Feeling a flight or fight response similar but not quite as extreme as the one she’d felt earlier in the OB/GYN’s office, Jules rose ready to flee the office just the same. Before she could reach the door, Luria’s voice stopped her. 

“You can run from talking about what’s wrong. But it’s not as easy to run from the actual feelings. They’ll stay with you until you face them. Why not give me a chance?”

Jules kept her back to the doctor, her shoulders rigid with tension. “Because I’m afraid you might decide I’m as pathetic as I feel. You won’t say it of course. I’ve worked with you enough to know you’d be nothing but kind and professional but deep down…”

Amanda Luria stood and crossed the room to stand between Jules and the door but yet not blocking the way should the younger woman really feel the need to bolt. “Even deep down I don’t think I could ever think you were anything close to being pathetic. Not because of what you’ve been through and not because of how you are reacting to it. So, why not come back and sit down and tell me why you feel pathetic. That sounds like where we really need to start.”

Reluctantly, Jules let her lead her back to the chair. Without looking the doctor in the eye, she told her about her frantic flight out of the doctor’s office before the doctor could ever enter the room. Luria shook her head.

“Sorry, Jules; not seeing how that makes you pathetic.”

Jules’s face flushed red with anger but she wasn’t sure if she was mad at the doctor or herself. “It shouldn’t be bothering me this much. It shouldn’t have this much power over me. I think about how lucky I was that it wasn’t worse and about women I’ve met on the job who really have a reason to feel afraid. Of course it‘s pathetic that I‘m bitching and moaning about what happened to me when other woman aren‘t so fortunate to be able to say they were saved before they were actually raped.”

Luria narrowed her eyes. “So you’re telling me that would be your response to someone in your situation? A woman standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump because she just can’t face another day after being sexually assaulted and you would tell her she might as well jump because she should be grateful the guy didn’t use his penis to hurt her? Remember, never lie to a subject.”

Jules cut a glare at the other woman. “Of course I wouldn’t say or even think that. But we aren’t talking about some nameless woman threatening suicide. We’re talking about me.”

“And you’re held to a higher standard why? Because you are the great and invincible Jules Callaghan who’s above the normal reactions of mere mortals?”

Jules folded her arms across her chest. “Didn’t you used to be much kinder?”

“I save the kindness for people who need and would appreciate the gentle nudge. I don’t think you would respond well to the kid glove approach. You’re more the ‘need a kick in the ass’ type. Which I’m pretty good at when I have to be. Seriously, you know I’m right; if you were talking to any other woman who had been hurt exactly the same way you’ve been hurt and was feeling the same way you are feeling, you’d be quick to tell them their feelings were perfectly natural and that they had no reason to feel pathetic.”

Jules rose from the chair and went to the wall to study a few more of the photographs. “It’s different though when it’s me. I look at Sam and the rest of the team and I know they are worried. And while I love them for that it scares me.”

Dr. Luria nodded even though Jules wasn‘t facing her. “Because if they are worried about you, someone might think you are too weak to do your job. I get it Jules. You’ve felt like you’ve had to fight for everything you’ve gotten at SRU. But this isn’t something that happened to Jules the cop. This happened to Jules the woman.”

“I’m the same person.” Jules admitted softly. 

“But what happens in your personal life shouldn’t affect how people see you in your work life. The fact that you were drugged and assaulted don’t make you less of a cop. Actually, it’s probably because you are such a good cop that you were able to stop a second attack last night. After being beaten you still managed to get away and get your gun. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Jules didn’t turn around but she didn’t offer any arguments either. Dr. Luria decided not to pursue the issue any more. She knew how hard Jules had had to fight for her spot on Team 1 and knew those fears that she had to constantly prove herself were deep seated. It wasn’t something she was going to be able to fix in one session. And after talking to Sam, she had a feeling there was a deeper issue at play here. She’d have to tread carefully so as not to give away anything she discussed with Sam. 

“Jules, can I ask you a question?”

Again Jules’s shoulders tightened. “You’re the doctor.”

“Why did you go to see your gynecologist today? It’s only been five days since you were attack. I doubt you’ve even finished the antibiotics the ER doctor would have prescribed and standard procedure for most doctors is to tell assault victims to follow up with their regular doctor in a couple of weeks. So, why today?”

“I had the day off. I don’t know. Does it matter? I didn’t even let the doctor examine me.” Jules pretended great interest in the photograph of the summit of a mountain. 

“I think you know perfectly well why you wanted to do this today and yes I do think it matters. The fact that you are avoiding the subject confirms that. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but if it bothered you enough to make you do something you obviously weren’t comfortable with, then maybe it’ll make you feel better to get it off your chest.”

“You know I was attacked when I was a teenager by my uncle. There are things he did to me that I’ve never gotten over. I was finally starting to work on my fears with Sam’s help and then I get attacked again. But see I’m stronger this time, not a little kid, and this time I’ve been open about what happened and haven’t kept it a secret, so I should be able to put it behind me. I know Sam won’t hurt me and he won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with until I’m ready. I want to be ready for him to make love to me. I need him to make love to me.”

Dr. Luria tried to push aside what Sam had told her about what had happened the night before. She needed to get the information straight from Jules’s perspective. “I’m sensing a but about here.”

“But Sam’s worried that he’s going to hurt me or frighten me. The thing is he knows me maybe better than I want to admit that I know myself. He knew I wasn’t ready and he was right. He tells me there’s no timetable and I know he’s right. But it doesn’t change how I feel. I need this even if it’s difficult and even if it hurts. I need it to prove to that little voice in the back of my head that it’s wrong.”

Unable to continue sitting, Luria got up and joined Jules at the wall so she could look the young woman in the eye. “So what’s that lying little voice trying to convince you of?”

For several minutes Jules didn’t answer, just continued to stare at the photograph and wonder what it would be like to be on the side of that mountain right then where none of the this junk could touch her anymore. Finally she turned to Dr. Luria, her eyes clear and tear free. “That no matter how much Sam might have felt about me before, this changes everything. If for some reason I can attract the attention of two different psychotic bastards in my lifetime, how can a great guy like Sam ever want to have anything to do with me?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Sam glanced at his watch with a frown. “She’s been back there almost two hours. Should we be worried?”

Spike had given up on trying to read magazines. Every time he’d tried to pick one up Sam had started to talk again. Deciding his friend needed his attention more than any magazine did, Spike just sat there, engaging in whatever conversation Sam started. It usually revolved around Jules in some way but never the true worries Spike knew Sam must be thinking. 

“I think the fact that she’s stayed back there this long and hasn’t bolted out of the office is a great sign. Dr. L’s good. She knows Jules well enough to know what buttons to push and what buttons not to push. If anyone can get her to open up, Dr. Luria can.”

Remembering how well she’d gotten him to talk about things he would have never thought he’d talk about, Sam couldn’t argue with Spike. The two fell silent again. After a few minutes it was Spike who initiated the conversation this time. 

“Sam, is Jules really sure the guy she killed last night is the same one who attacked her earlier this week?”

Sam shrugged. “Looks like it. He had the same drug, the same aftershave, the same gloves and condoms, same POE. There’s nothing to indicate it wasn’t him. We were so sure it was Johnny who attacked her because of what he did to her twenty years ago. It seemed like too big a coincidence to think someone else could target her that way. But I guess sometimes coincidences happen.”

“So Dawson’s off the hook?”

“For the attacks now? Yeah, looks like it. For being a despicable human being who needs to be watched carefully? Not a chance in hell. I don’t trust him and I still think he’s a threat to Jules. I’m not going to rest comfortably until I’m sure he’s never able to hurt Jules again.”

“Remember Jules, you can call me anytime.” Dr. Luria’s voice drifted down the hall and Sam stood up. 

Jules thanked the doctor and stepped into the waiting room. She stopped when she saw Sam standing there waiting for her. Her expression immediately became passive and her shoulders slumped. “Shit.”


	49. Chapter 49

Jules’s one word response to Sam’s presence in the waiting room hung in the air for a full minute of silence. A silence that consisted of Spike scanning the room for a quick exit strategy and Dr. Luria wondered if she was about to see a volcano erupt in the waiting room that would rival the spectacular photograph on her colleague’s wall. A full minute before Sam could think of an appropriate answer. He grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, I didn’t quite vocalize it so eloquently but I’m pretty sure I thought the same thing when I came from back there earlier and found Spike sitting in the waiting room.”

Jules stared at him and blinked a couple of times. She’d recognized the meaning behind his words right away but still had trouble comprehending the full impact of knowing that Sam was there in Dr. Luria’s office because he’d sought out the doctor’s advice before Spike had dragged her here. It wasn’t something they had discussed during the course of their relationship but she had a pretty good idea of his views of seeking professional help. The fact that he put all of his own misgivings aside and made the attempt now spoke volumes to her. Inwardly she pictured that little voice that had been hammering away at her self esteem quaking a little in the face of the sledgehammer of reassurance that knowledge created in her. “Oh.”

Seeing the smallest of smiles tugging at the corners of her mouth made Sam’s grin broaden. He held his arms out in an invitation for a hug and she stepped into it without hesitation. They still had a lot to discuss but at least maybe it would be a discussion instead of a full fledged argument. He held her tightly against him for probably what would be longer that would be considered appropriate for public display but he knew he needed the embrace and was pretty sure Jules needed it as well. He didn’t really think Spike or Dr. Luria would mind but if they or the receptionist didn’t like it, he really didn’t care. 

Once he felt the worse of the tension evaporating from her muscles, he pulled back and pressed a quick kiss lightly on the lips. “What do you say we get out of here before Luria pulls us back in her office for a joint session? We could go get something to eat and figure out what to do with the rest of the day.”

“While at some point the two of you might want to consider coming in together,” Dr. Luria commented since she’d been brought into the conversation. “I don’t think today is the day for it. But like I said, I’m only a phone call away.”

Jules acknowledged Luria with a brief head nod and then looked up at Sam. Anybody else that might be in the room was incidental. Sam was the only person that really mattered. That he was there, that he was holding her like he meant it not like she was a fragile piece of china that had to be handled carefully, that he’d gone out on a limb to do something that he would consider uncomfortable and had stuck around when he could have kept it from her so easily. “Yeah, lunch sounds great.”

It was only a partial untruth. The cereal she’d forced down in order to take a pain pill first thing this morning was still sitting heavy in her stomach but the idea of going and doing something with Sam sounded perfect. If he wanted her to eat something while they were there, then could she really protest? Finally she remembered that Spike was the one who’d stuck by her all morning without complaint when she’d really given him a lot to complain about. She glanced over at her friend and smiled. “Want to join us? My treat.” 

Spike wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting when Jules saw that Sam was there but it certainly wasn’t what was playing out in front of him. The couple looked at ease and completely comfortable together. Not a chance in hell he’d interfere with that. “Nah, I’m good. The two of you go ahead. I may see if Nat is ready for her lunch break and take her something.”

She stepped out of Sam’s embrace long enough to lean over and give Spike a quick peck on the cheek. “Thanks for everything. I’m sure it wasn’t even close to being the kind of morning off you could have had but I appreciate you being here.”

Blushing slightly Spike nodded. “Anytime. I talked to Sarge and everything’s a go for tonight. If you two need me for anything else today, just let me know.”

“Awesome.” She thanked him again and all three left out together. 

They shared the elevator with several strangers all of which kept casting curious glances at Jules. Sam kept an arm wrapped loosely around Jules’s waist and tried to ignore the questioning looks directed their way. He guessed he couldn’t blame them. As bad as the bruises on her face had looked in the immediate aftermath of the attack, they looked ten times more vicious and painful in the light of the day. Once again he thought back to the bruises she sustained after she went undercover trying to insert herself among a group of protesters. He’d lost count of the number of times Jules had complained about the unwanted attention she’d gotten from complete strangers who were quick to make judgments based on her appearance. This time the bruising was much worse and so were the stares. Before she could smart off to any of the strangers, the elevator door opened on the first floor. Sam guided her out. 

After saying their goodbyes to Spike, Sam led Jules to where he’d parked the jeep. She grimaced a little as she fastened her seatbelt, the motion pulling at her bruised ribs. He raised an eyebrow. “You okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, something told me I should have gotten into Natalie’s concealer this morning. Somehow I don’t think any amount of makeup would completely cover up all the bruising but it might have toned it down enough that I don’t look like an extra from some war movie.”

Fastening his own seatbelt Sam frowned. “We don’t have to go out to eat anywhere if you don’t want to. We can pick something up and either take it back to the apartment or find some other quiet location to eat.”

Jules shook her head. “I’m not going to go bury my head in the sand because people want to gawk. I didn’t do anything wrong. Every bruise shows that I fought back, that I didn’t let him get the best of me. Damn it, as bad as this sounds, I’m damn proud of each and every one of these bruises.”

Her tone was defiant and full of fight. This was the woman he’d first fallen in love with and he was glad to see her normal spunk resurfacing. He didn’t want to give full credit to whatever had happened in Dr. Luria’s office earlier but wanted to believe that it had a lot more to do with Jules’s determination to snap back. He smiled at her. “That’s my girl. So are we going to talk about upstairs?”

Jules sighed. “About our talks with Dr. Luria? I don’t know, Sam. Do we need to feel like we have to tell each other everything we discuss with her? It’s not that I want to hide things from you but isn’t the point of seeing a therapist is knowing you can talk about anything? I’m glad it’s not some big secret between us cause I think that could be bad but maybe we shouldn’t have to feel like we have to tell everything. Some things are going to come out and that’s a good thing but maybe we shouldn’t force the issue, let things come out naturally if and when they need to.”

Sam actually felt relieved at her answer. Like her, it wasn’t that he wanted to hide things from her but it was hard enough for him to open up in the first place and Dr. Luria hadn’t been judgmental in the least. And while he didn’t think Jules would judge him either, he knew that while she was so sure of herself in most areas, she wasn’t always so confident when it came to their relationship. He’d hate to make things worse for her by admitting some of his own fears. “That actually works for me. I love you, you know.”

She nodded. “I know. I love you too.”

“Okay, so now that that’s decided, let’s go get lunch. Anything in particular you’ve got a taste for?”

She shook her head. “Surprise me.” 

As he drove Jules let herself get lost in her thoughts. To her credit, Dr. Luria hadn’t offered her any well-meaning but useless platitudes after she’d announced her fear that Sam wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her. Didn’t try to smooth away her fears like they were ridiculous and less than valid. Instead the doctor had listened as Jules explained where her fears had originated from. Nothing Dr. Luria had said had given her any indication that she’d talked to Sam but at the same time she didn’t feel like she’d been made a fool of either. Unconsciously, she reached a hand out toward the driver’s side and took Sam’s hand in her own and gave it a firm squeeze. Sam looked down at their entwined hands with a smile. 

They waited until they had their food and were seated on opposite sides of a table before talking. Sam jabbed his straw into his soda and frowned. “Jules, I owe you an apology. This morning when you got back from the bathroom, you needed something from me. I think I should have been and could have been a little more understanding. I was so caught up in my own fears of hurting your when you’d already been hurt enough that I didn’t really stop to listen to what you were telling me.”

Jules blushed slightly. “If I remember correctly I was far from being articulate. Besides, you knew I couldn’t handle what I was asking for. I was just too stubborn to want to hear it.”

“But I obviously made you feel like I didn’t want to make love to you and that’s not something I’m ever okay with you thinking. I promise I’m going to try to do better.” Sam’s gaze lingered even after he’d stopped talking. Everything that Dr. Luria had said to him was weighing on his mind. He still wasn’t sure he could do everything she’d suggested but he knew he had to try something different.

Jules nodded firmly. “Me too.” Her teeth captured her bottom lip but then released it. Instead she played with her straw in her own soda. “Sam, Donna came by your apartment this morning right after you left. She wanted to let me know in person that the prosecutor agreed that it was self defense and no charges are going to be brought against me for killing that man.”

“No other decision he could have made.” Sam assured her. But something was still bothering her. Then it hit him. “Don’t tell me SIU…”

“Has to get involved in any officer related shooting, even an off-duty officer. I have to go in for a meeting at one. Donna says it’s only a procedural thing and that I shouldn’t have anything to worry about but…”

“But anytime SIU gets involved it can get ugly.” 

She loved that about their relationship, how they could pick up and finish each other’s sentences. It showed how well they really knew each other. She nodded. “I know I did the only thing I could. If they want to give me a hard time about it, screw them. They weren’t there. I know what would have happened if he’d gotten his hands on me again and if he killed me in the process, he wouldn’t have felt a moment’s regret.”

“So we’ll trust that it’s just a formality and worry about anything else if it should come up. They give you a hard time; you’ll give ‘em hell back. The rest of the team will support you the whole way.”

His unwavering support meant everything to her and for a moment she lapsed into silence as they both began to eat. About five minutes into the meal Sam felt something brush against his leg and then a light weight came to rest on the top of his leg. He glanced under the table to see that Jules had propped her left leg up, using his own leg as a cushion. He smiled. “You trying to tell me something?”

She blushed again. “Sorry, the ankle doesn’t hurt anymore but the knee gets stiff and sore if I keep it bent too long.” She started to remove her leg but he held in in place lightly. 

“It’s okay. Leave it.” As he continued to eat, he reached one hand down to lightly massage her sore knee. She hissed a little and he stilled his hand. “That hurt?”

“A little.” Jules admitted. “But it’s a good hurt.” He nodded and began massaging the muscles again. After a few minutes, Jules looked at him again. “Sam, do you think after my meeting with SIU we can go by the house?”

Sam’s expression was noncommittal. “Any particular reason why you want to?”

Jules nodded. “You’ve got to admit what we both still have at your apartment in the way of clothes and things is a little lacking. If we’re going to stay at your place for awhile, I’d like to pack up a few things. Also, Donna said crime scene cleanup would be finished this morning but I want to see what I need to do in order to be comfortable there.”

She held her breath expecting Sam to try to talk her out of going. To her surprise he nodded. “Sure we can do that.”

Her face brightened. “Really, just like that? No arguments that it’s too soon?”

“I can’t say I’m thrilled with the idea.” Sam admitted, his blue eyes somber. “Maybe it is too soon but maybe not. There’s no way of knowing until we try. I’ll be right there with you the whole time and if it’s too much, we’ll leave. Whatever we have to do, whoever we have to hire, we’ll make sure you feel comfortable in your own home. Hopefully sooner rather than later.”

“Did Dr. Luria have that much influence over you or is it the idea of sharing living space with your sister and Spike?” Jules asked suspiciously. 

Sam chuckled. “Maybe a little of both. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy they have each other and that they’re happy. It’s just easier to accept that my friend and co-worker is sleeping with my little sister in the abstract rather than knowing it’s happening right down the hall from me.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Even though you are sleeping with a friend and co-worker at the same time? Or well, was.” Her tone started off teasing but trailed off. 

Removing his hand from her knee where he’d been massaging it, Sam reached up and squeezed her hand. “Hey, we’re still sleeping together and as for other bedroom pursuits, we’ll get those back soon as well. I promise.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Hey, we were beginning to think you three weren’t coming.” Greg announced as Spike, Sam, and Jules made their way to the table that had already been claimed by the other members of the team. The Goose was crowded despite it being a week night and Sam kept his hands lightly on Jules’s hips as she led the way through the crowd. Spike followed behind them with his hands stuck in his pockets.

“Blame the guys.” Jules complained as she eased into a seat that Raf conveniently pulled out for her. “Neither one of them wanted to leave without giving Nat a complete third degree about her plans for the evening. I was beginning to think Sam was going to place her under protective custody before we could leave.”

“Yeah, well, she and Rhonda were planning on going out and that’s never good.” Sam grumbled as he took a seat to the left of Jules and motioned the waitress over so they could order. Raf and Ed already had beers in front of them and Sarge was drinking club soda. “I swear I didn’t think anyone was a trouble magnet worse than my sister but Rhonda definitely takes the cake. If the two of them went out somewhere together I’m pretty sure our evening out would have been interrupted because one of us would have had to go bail them out of jail. At least if they stay in, their chances of getting in trouble lessens.”

Jules wasn’t sure how much of what Sam was saying was the real reason he’d insisted that his sister stay in or how much of it was the fact he was still worried about the slashed tire from the night before. But she didn’t question him about it. She owed it to him for the way he’d been controlling his normally overprotective instincts when it came to her. She could tell it was a struggle for him and loved him even more for making the attempt. 

Across the table Ed lowered his beer and looked at Jules. “Everything go okay with SIU?”

Jules nodded. “Luck of all luck, I got Mr. Not-So-Happy-About-Divorcing that investigated the Richards’ shooting. He wasn’t any happier to see me sitting opposite him as I was to see him. He played around with giving me a hard time but I think it had already been decided I was cleared.”

“It had.” Greg assured her. “I got the call from Holleran this morning after the prosecutor made his decision. He’d been on the phone with SCU most of the morning anyway. They still don’t have an identity of your attacker but can now link him to at least three other assaults that span back at least two years. Two of those assaults resulted in the deaths of the women assaulted. From what I understand the one who survived has never really recovered. I think Holleran’s exact words were ’Callaghan is damn lucky she was able to get that shot in.’ My exact words back to him were, ’Luck had nothing to do with it. Our girl is that tough and skilled.’ You ask me, we’re the lucky ones, Jules.”

Jules flushed with both pride and embarrassment at the praise. The waitress returned and set three beers in front of the newcomers as well as another round for the others. Jules toyed with her draft but didn’t raise the frosty glass to her lips. Sam’s arm was casually draped across the back of her chair and his fingers lightly ran through her brown hair as he tipped his own beer bottle to his lips. The conversation around the table moved to lighter matters and soon everyone was joking and carrying on like it was just another night out. Exactly what she’d requested from Spike that morning. Nothing more was said about the attack or her obvious bruises and Jules was grateful for that. Still, though she offered comments enough not to draw attention to herself her main focus was on the beer in front of her. She wanted to down it in one long swallow and then tell the waitress to keep them coming until she was completely wasted. 

In the years immediately after her mother’s death Jules had tried many rebellious sometimes dangerous things to try to alleviate the guilt and humiliation she was feeling including an occasional alcoholic drink or two. After seeing the effect alcohol had had on her mother however, she never allowed herself to cross the line of actually getting drunk. Didn’t want to relinquish that control over her life or risk turning into her mother. This was the first time she could remember ever really battling the temptation to get rip-roaring drunk. No one at the table would fault her or even question her about it if she did drink more than her usual self-imposed limit, mostly because they would be too hammered themselves to notice. But that didn’t mean it was right. 

She excused herself from the table saying she needed a trip to the ladies room. She tried to ignore the little voice that warned her they were going to talk about her as soon as she was out of earshot. She knew that if they did it was only because they cared. She took her time in the restroom. Standing at the sink, she splashed cool water on her face and gently patted her face dry. She’d thought once more about covering the worst of the bruises with makeup but didn’t give in to the temptation, not wanting to risk the pain it would cause scrubbing it off her face later before bed. 

When she finally emerged from the restroom, she wasn’t surprised to see someone leaning on the wall in the little hallway waiting on her. However she was surprised by who was there. Greg had his arms folded across his chest and he smiled softly at her when she stepped out. She sighed.

“I’m okay, Sarge.”

He nodded. “I know. I have something I need to talk to you about and figured it would be better to do so away from the rest of the team.”

He led her over to a table for two near the bathrooms. Feeling a little nervous Jules waited for him to start. “I want you to be honest with me even if it’s not what you want to tell me. You okay to do the job tomorrow?”

It was on the top of her tongue to automatically say yes but then she stopped. She blew out her breath. “Yes and no. If you asked me to run the obstacle course I’d do it because there’s no way I’d let any challenge get me but I don’t think I could do it in five minutes and I don’t think I’d be fit for anything else the rest of the day. I may not be at the top of my game physically for a couple more days but I can do the rest of the job.”

Greg nodded. “So you wouldn’t be upset if I put you in the truck?”

“It’s part of the job; not necessarily the part I like the best but I’ve done it before and it won’t kill me to do it for a couple of days. Just so you know though, if something comes up, something you need me to do that will mean the difference between saving or losing lives, I can and will do it regardless of how much it hurts. You can depend on me.”

“Never doubted it for a moment.” Greg assured her. He started to stand but Jules stopped him.

“Will you do me a favor?” Her voice was soft and unsure. Greg nodded and settled back in his seat. “I want to relax and enjoy myself tonight but I’m scared I’m going to lose control and not stop drinking.”

“And you want me to cut you off if it looks like that‘s happening?” Greg probed gently. His own drinking problem was just something the team accepted without it having to be discussed. He‘d noticed over the years that while she didn‘t abstain from all alcohol she never allowed herself to get drunk. He‘d wondered but out of the same respect they‘d always shown him, he hadn‘t pressed the issue with her. Until now. “I know why I can’t take the chance with the first drink but is there a reason why you don’t want to get drunk?”

“That’s the problem. Tonight I want to get drunk Fall down can’t walk a straight line stinking dancing on the table top drunk. I’m pretty sure that wanting and needing to get drunk are pretty good reasons not to.”

Greg couldn’t deny her logic. “So relax and have a good time. Have a beer or two or three. If you get a little tipsy, it’ll be okay. I’ll cut you off before you start climbing on the table. Although I think you sell yourself short and can stop yourself.”

The two headed back to the table only to find that the party had definitely continued without them. Jules realized she didn’t have too much to worry about because it looked like the rest of her friends were well on their way to getting just as drunk as she thought she wanted to. Ed and Raf were on their third beers while Sam and Spike had progressed to their second of the night. At this point, by the time she could catch up with them, they would have passed out. 

Ed looked up at them as they retook their seats. “Bout time you two came back. I was getting ready to send out Bravo team to extract you. Okay, so we decided on the topic of the night while you were gone. If you don’t like it, tough cause you weren’t here to protest.”

Jules hid her laughter behind her own beer as she took her first sip of beer. Setting the not quite as frosty mug down she shook her head. Reaching into the basket on the table, she grabbed a handful of roasted peanuts and opened one and popped the nuts in her mouth. “Okay, let us have it.”

Somewhere along the line, someone on the team had started a tradition on their nights out. A contest of sorts but there was no prize except bragging rights. Since invariably when they got together they couldn’t avoid shop talk completely they made a game out of it. Someone suggested a topic and everyone took turns relating a personal story that fit the topic. Everyone tried to outdo the others and as more and more alcohol was imbibed, the crazier the stories got. 

“Your best ‘What the hell were they thinking?’ moment.” Spike filled her in as he finished off his second beer and ordered a third. “I’ll go first. Still in my training days and we get a report that this guy is ripping off video machines at the local arcade. Mac and I see this guy running away from the scene so we take off in pursuit. We take him in for questioning and he’s denying everything. Then he asks if he can leave if he posts bail and pulls out a bag full of quarters.” 

Raf shook his head. “I got that topped. About a year ago I got called out on a home burglary. Turns out the would-be thief was the one who called 9-1-1 cause after he broke into the house he got trapped by the owner’s pit bull and was too scared to try to get out again. He was begging us to take him to jail by the time we got there cause the dog had bitten him on the ass and wouldn’t let him go.”

The others took their turn relating a story. By the time they were each ready to give their third story, Jules had finished her first beer and was slowly working on her second. She’d realized about the time she’d ordered her second draft that she didn’t really have the desire to get drunk anymore. What she’d thought she might need in the alcohol she was finding in her friends instead. Their laughter and energy had her completely relaxed and fully enjoying herself. Enjoying herself to the point that for every peanut she shelled to eat, she’d shell another one and though the peanuts at whichever team member seemed to be paying her the least amount of attention. When the small individual nuts didn’t seem to be fazing her victims, she switched to chunking whole unshelled peanuts instead. This brought reactions as Ed swatted at one every time they hit him but it was obvious he wasn’t sure what was attacking him. Greg shot her a glance that could have been interpreted as behave but the mischievous glint in his eye was really a signal for her to continue. The night became a little more perfect when Sam, as if he instinctively knew her knee was bothering her from keeping it bent, reached under the table and gently lifted her leg to rest it over his lap. He kept his hand below the table, gently massaging her knee much the way he had at lunch. 

“Wait, what about the one we all share.” Spike suddenly remembered. He was laughing so hard he almost couldn’t talk. He looked at Raf. “Wait a minute, you weren’t on the team yet but the rest of us. Oh my God, it was so classic.” He couldn’t finish his story because he started laughing so hard. He was slapping at the table. 

Jules couldn’t help but laugh right along with him even though she had no idea what story he was thinking of. It was obvious that he was wasted. He’d quickly caught up and surpassed Ed and Raf in the number of beers consumed. Greg shook his head. “Hey Scarlatti, care to share with the rest of the class?”

“Bank robber…deposit…” Spike had gotten so tickled at his own thoughts that he couldn’t get any further. A peanut suddenly hit him square on the nose and he gave it a funny look and laughed even more. Still it was enough to clue everyone at the table save for Raf who hadn’t been present to the story he was thinking of. Greg laughed and filled the newest team member in on the story. 

“We responded to a bank robbery, guy left the scene but took a hostage with him. We had no idea how we were going to track him down until Spike got a look at the hold-up note.”

Spike took over having composed himself just slightly. “He’d written it on the back of his own preprinted deposit slip. We drove straight to his house and there he and the hostage were.”

“And come to find out the hostage wasn’t a hostage.” Jules interjected, chuckling at the memory. “She was the guy’s wife. We‘re busting in the door and they are sitting there counting the money.” Even though she wasn’t even halfway through her second beer, she could feel the start of a warm flush coming over her. As the waitress came by to see if they needed anything, Jules asked for another basket of peanuts and ordered a root beer. Suppressing a laugh as Ed asked what had happened to the other basket of peanuts, she offered Sam the last half of her beer. She didn’t miss the reassuring wink Greg offered her at her drink switch. Sam downed it before the waitress came back with the next round of drinks and another basket of projectiles for Jules to throw. 

Ed told the story about the guy who had insisted he couldn’t have committed the crime he’d been accused of because at the time of the crime he’d been sitting in the getaway car as his best friend robbed a convenience store. 

Sam chuckled as he suddenly remembered one of his own. “Back when I was with the 51st Division, I was parked in front of a coffee shop. It was late and my partner had run in to get us both coffee. I’m sitting there waiting and this woman suddenly gets in the back of the squad car. I smelled her before I saw her and trust me when I say she makes Spike here look sober…”

“That hurts my friend.” Spike argued. “That really hurts.”

Ignoring the interruption and another subsequent peanut toss from Jules, this time into Greg‘s club soda, Sam continued. “She thought I was a taxicab and started telling me where to take her and promised me an extra fifty as well as other bonuses if I let her come up front and sit in my lap while I drove.”

Jules frowned. “You didn’t take her up on it did you?”

“No of course not. Never crossed my mind.” He quickly picked up his beer again as Jules slapped his arm. 

Fishing the peanut from his glass, Greg hoped to get the younger man out of the doghouse. “Okay, Jules you’ll appreciate this one because it happened while I was working with your dad. Jack and I had pulled in this suspect and we knew he was lying and stupid. Not a great combination. Still we couldn’t break him. So Jack goes to his computer and prints out this sheet of paper that says ‘Lie’ He puts it on the copier and then tells the suspect that the copier is a new lie detector test. Didn’t need any wires at all. He asks the guy a question and as soon as he answered Jack pushed the copy button and of course the word lie comes out. After Jack does this for about three questions suddenly the guy starts telling us everything we want to know.”

Jules laughed. “I so remember Dad telling this story. I never realized you were his partner at the time.”

She leaned her head on Sam’s shoulder, a good drowsiness settling over her. Even her one-sided peanut war was losing interest for her. “Okay I guess it’s my turn and then I need to get Spike home before we have to carry him out of here.”

“I represent that statement.” Spike slurred. 

Jules rolled her eyes. “Okay, so this was while I was the RCMP. I was doing a routine patrol of a park and this little elderly woman approached me. I mean little, she made me feel like a giant in comparison.”

“Damn that’s tiny.” Sam quipped only to be elbowed in the ribs. He laughed as she continued. 

“Anyway she’s lost; I’m thinking Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia so I ask her if she has any ID in this purse she’s carrying. A purse that’s almost bigger than she is. Shut up, Sam. So she starts reaching in and looking for her wallet. She starts taking things out and handing them to me to hold while she keeps looking. At first it’s innocent stuff like tissues, baggies of peppermints and goldfish crackers, stacks of pictures of cracks in the sidewalk. Then it starts getting weird. She hands me a pair of handcuffs -- pink fluffy padded handcuffs, a baggie full of a wide mixture of pills that I couldn’t even begin to identify, a switchblade that had to have at least a seven inch blade when opened, a whole box of flavored condoms, a baggie of marijuana. When she finally pulled out a little pistol I knew I had to do something.”

Ed shook his head laughing hard. “You are so shitting us right now. There is no way that happened.”

His scoff earned him a peanut between the eyes. This time there was no mistaking where they‘d been coming from and he created a V shape with two his fingers giving her the I‘m watching you sign. She laughed and continued. “It did. I swear I couldn’t make this up. I’m looking around thinking someone’s pulling a hazing trick on me but there’s no one else around. The thing is all this stuff and she never did find her ID.”

Raf shook his head. “I think she beats us all, gentlemen.” 

Sam pulled her closer rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “She always does.” 

“Okay team.” Greg interjected. “It’s getting late and we’ve got to keep the peace tomorrow. Ed and Raf are with me. Jules, you okay to get Sam and Spike home?”

“Roger that, Boss.”

While Sam was pretty well buzzed, he was nowhere near as drunk as Spike so he helped get their friend to the back of the jeep and seat belted in before climbing into front. Their friend was snoring lightly by the time Jules parked in the garage of Sam’s apartment building. It took both of them supporting Spike as they took the elevator to Sam’s floor. As Jules waited as Sam fit his key in the lock, she heard a door open down the hall from where they had come. Instinctively she glanced back but all she saw was a door closing and no sign of any person. As she stepped into the apartment, she couldn’t explain the cold chill that ran down her spine.


	50. Chapter 50

Johnny Dawson waited a full five minutes after he heard the door close down the hall before he once more tried to leave his apartment. He was glad he’d spotted them at the apartment door before they noticed him. He wasn’t ready yet for them to know just how close he was to them. Still, it made his heart beat a little faster to know that she’d looked back as if she’d known he was there. But of course she’d known he was there; they were connected that way. He’d peered longingly through the peephole until she disappeared into Golden Boy’s apartment. 

He’d known from his eavesdropping the night before that she’d been injured but seeing the proof so starkly visible on her face was shocking. It had taken everything in him not to rush to her side, take her in his arms, and kiss the pain away. But he couldn’t, not yet at least. He hated that she’d had to suffer but it couldn’t have been helped. A brief moment of pain would be nothing compared to the lifetime of happiness they would soon share. Once they were together he would spend the rest of her life making it up to her.

He took the elevator down and made his way to his car. He frowned when he saw the person leaning against the hood. “What are you doing here? I told you not to visit me here.”

The man shrugged. “That’s why I waited here instead of coming up to your new pad.” He opened the newspaper he was holding to reveal the headline. “Did you have something to do with this?”

Johnny hadn’t seen the paper, hadn’t really cared to see what spin the media had put on the story. He much preferred getting his information from much closer sources. It was much more likely that he’d get something closer to the truth. He‘d quickly learned that nobody really paid him attention and if they even noticed him they ignored him if it looked like he was engrossed in listening to something on the MP3 player he didn‘t own. Just headphones tucked into his pocket like they were attached to something.

“The problem was taken care of like you wanted and yet you don’t sound happy. Why is that?”

The man moved off from leaning on the car and began to pace. “He was trying to do to her what he did to all those other women. It even alluded to the fact that he’d already made her his victim before. I never wanted that. Nobody should have to go through that kind of terror and pain…”

“She didn’t.” Johnny assured him glibly. “It was a set up.”

“The paper didn’t say anything about it being a set up. It said the guy broke into her house and attacked her and by luck she shot and killed him.”

Johnny nodded even though he didn’t really know what the paper was reporting. “That’s because it wasn’t an official police sanctioned act. The officer who shot him owed me a favor. She set herself up so it looked like she was his victim and once she had him in her trap killed him so that no one else would know his pain.”

“So she’s okay? He didn’t really hurt her like the paper said…”

“Fuck what the paper said. That bastard wasn’t fit to touch her and he didn’t. I never would have allowed that to happen. What do you think I am, a monster?”

The man immediately apologized. “Of course you aren’t a monster. You’re the only one who understood what I was going through. The only one willing to help me. I just… The idea of any woman going through the same pain… I’ve seen some low things people are capable of but rape has got to be the worst. Anybody who could treat a woman like she was an object of his own pleasure rather than a person who should be cherished doesn’t deserve to live.”

“Absolutely. That‘s why I agreed to help you. Women should be cherished and shown how much they are loved. Trust me when I assure you that the officer in the story has never known anything but how special she is.” Johnny assured him. Not that Golden Boy could ever come close to treating JAC the way she deserved to be treated; but he’d take care of that soon enough. It was only a matter of time and patience and the right amount of persuasion. “Now, no more worries. As much as I would like to continue this conversation, I really must be getting to work.”

The man nodded. “Okay, sorry I gave you a hard time. I just couldn’t stand the idea of another woman suffering the way my sister had; especially if it had happened because of me.”

Johnny flashed a smile. “Like I said, no worries.” He certainly didn’t have any. Everything was working out exactly like he wanted them.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“I expected you to already be asleep.” Sam insisted as he kicked off his shoes and laid down on the bed next to Jules. She’d shed the more confining aspects of her clothes: shoes, jeans, and bra so that she was sprawled on her back wearing nothing more than her top and panties. 

She smiled sleepily at him and turned towards him. “I was waiting on you. You get Spike all tucked in for the night?”

Sam chuckled. “Not even close. I deposited him in my sister’s bedroom and left her to deal with him. And that’s really as much as I want to know about what happens in there. So, I’m thinking someone had a good time tonight.” 

“Yeah, I thought at one point Spike was going to laugh so hard that he was going to wet his pants. How many beers did he end up drinking anyway?” A wide grin spread across Jules’s face.

“Don’t know, but he’s not the one I was talking about.” Sam admitted huskily. His hands crept underneath the soft material of her top so that he was gently massaging her back much the way he’d massaged her knee earlier in the evening. The light pressure his thumbs were exerting on her lower muscles elicited a soft moan of pleasure. “That feel good?”

She nodded, her eyes closing as her body arched into his hands. For several minutes he continued to apply gentle pressure up and down her bare back. Her body, which had already relaxed considerably throughout the evening, slowly turned to putty in his hands. With a grin, Sam began to blaze a trail of kisses across Jules’s closed eyes, down her left jaw line and ending up at her neck, sucking at the sensitive skin lightly but not enough that he would leave a mark. The last thing he wanted to do was add to the discoloration starkly visible on her beautiful skin.

Breathing hard Jules crooked her leg over Sam’s lower body pulling him closer. Her right hand which was the side she was lying on, went beneath Sam’s neck so that she was holding the back of his head while her left hand slipped under his t-shirt so that she could lightly run her fingers across his bare chest. With the exception of the kisses, there was nothing overtly sexual in any of his touches but she could feel her body reacting to him as if it was the most erotic thing she’d ever experienced. It was so much less than what she’d thought she wanted but quickly decided it was exactly what she needed.

He broke off the kisses on her neck and lifted his head so that his nose lightly touched hers. “I’m gong to make love to you.” A flash of uncertainty appeared briefly in her eyes before her lower lip became trapped between her teach. He removed one hand from the back of her shirt to caresses her cheek. “Not tonight. Not because I don’t want to or that you don’t drive me crazy with desire but because I want to be able to take my time and make it completely wonderful for you and I don’t want there to be any alcohol clouding either of our judgments. Soon though. And before we do make love, I’m going to give you an evening to remember so that by the time we’re ready for that step the only thing that will be on your mind is you and me and how right it feels.”

The love and desire in his voice sent shivers down her spine and she felt her heart skip a beat or two. As desperate as she’d felt the night before, there was no trace of those fears at the moment. The unspoken promises in both his words and touches had her longing for that night with ever fiber in her body. “I trust you.” 

Her hand on the back of his head guided him lower so that his lips met hers. Her tongue darted out and licked at his lips which he parted for her immediately. She could taste the remnants of his last beer which lingered on his breath. The kiss deepened and he rolled so that his body covered hers without crushing it. He knew she could feel the effects she had on his body but she didn’t react either in fear or pushing him for more. He continued to kiss her until he felt her give in to the drowsiness he’d felt come over her at the Goose earlier. Even after she was sound asleep, he continued to press his body lightly on hers needing the reassurance that she was right there with him, safe and for at least in the moment happy and secure. 

Once he felt his own drowsiness start to over take him, he pulled away from her with one more kiss. Slipping momentarily from the bed, he shucked his jeans. Clad only in his t-shirt and boxers, he eased the bedspread and sheet from under Jules and covered her before returning to the bed to lay beside her. Before he drifted off to sleep himself, he drew Jules into the cocooning safety of his arms. She sighed contentedly in his embrace and that was the last sound he heard before he too fell into a dreamless sleep.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“I believe this belongs to you.” 

Jules looked up from where she’d been reading over the reports of the previous shift before briefing. Ed was standing beside her seat with his hand outstretched, a single peanut resting in the palm of his hand. Trying to look completely innocent she looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. 

“Thanks Ed, but I’ve already had breakfast this morning.” 

“Sophie found this inside my shirt last night when I got home and she was helping me undress. Asked me how the hell I ended up with a peanut there. I didn’t have an answer for her but this morning I remembered a certain someone who pretty much has a locker room to herself turning these into tiny projectiles. Ring any bells?”

Anybody else would have given herself away by now but Jules’s expression didn’t betray so much as a smirk of amusement. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Ed. You were shooting your mouth off pretty good last night, maybe you were eating peanuts and missed your mouth? Though that’s a pretty big target to miss.”

Ed shook his head. “Smart ass. I would have shelled the damn thing if I had planned on eating it. Besides, if I had been aiming for my mouth I wouldn’t have missed.”

Now she did allow a little smirk to form at the corner of her mouth. “So you admit you’ve got a big mouth? To be honest I wasn‘t sure if you‘d remember anything about last night.”

Ed rolled his eyes and took a seat next to her. “Speaking of being three sheets to the wind, how was Spike this morning?” 

Now her smirk blossomed into a mischievous grin. “Let’s just say he’s feeling every bit of the pain he wasn’t feeling last night. I swear Natalie blew on her coffee this morning to cool it off a little before taking a sip and he acted like she’d blared the stereo at full volume. But Sam mixed together this disgusting looking concoction that smelled worse than it looked. A recipe that he got from a commanding officer he served under that is supposedly the absolute best cure-all for a hangover. He made Spike drink a whole glass of it and believe it or not by the time we got to work Spike was surprisingly human again.”

He was glad to see her looking so relaxed. Though he hadn‘t wanted to pry, he‘d been more than a little worried about her. “Seriously, how are you doing? Two kill shots in one week no matter how justified is tough even without all the rest of the stuff you’ve been through. I know Sam’s been there for you but if you need to talk…”

Jules reached out and gave his arm a squeeze. “I know who to go to. Honestly, I’m dealing okay with the shootings. It’s what I’m trained to do and I know what the outcome would have been in both instances if I hadn’t taken the shot. Maybe I’ll feel differently as I really process everything but I know in both instances I did the only thing I could.”

“Fair enough and you’re right. Just as long you know you can talk to us if you need to.”

Jules barely had time to nod as the rest of the team filed into the room for the briefing. The morning passed uneventfully with inventory checks of all the equipment and time spent at the gun range. As Jules waited for her turn at the targets she lightly held her Glock 27 in her hand. The last time she’d held the small 9 millimeter had been the day she’d wedged herself in the ventilation duct leading into the panic room of the Richard’s home. The smaller grip fit her smaller hands perfectly making it more comfortable for her to hold and thus made it easier to aim and shoot. The FNP 40 caliber that her father had presented her with the day she joined the RCMP was a bigger and heavier pistol but her aim with it against her attacker had been just as deadly. 

“Okay, Jules, you’re up.” Ed called from the sidelines. She nodded and took her place at the firing line. She took several deep breaths and pushed everything from her mind. There was a round target about 25 feet and she extended her weapon and set her sights on the center of the target. When Ed gave the command she slowly let out her breath and pulled the trigger until the clip was empty. Every shot hit within micrometers of each other which just created one big whole in the dead center of the target. “Perfect as usual.” Ed replied as he made a mark on his checklist. 

Then he looked at everyone. “We’ve got some extra time before lunch. Let‘s have a little contest. Winner gets his-- or her-- lunch free. We‘ll shoot at the silhouette targets. Creativity counts more than deadly accuracy. Boss and I will step out and we‘ll do the judging.”

Jules lined up once again to take her shots. At first she aimed her sight right between the target’s eyes but then lowered it just slight to heart range. Narrowing her eyes, she lowered her sight even lower and quickly pulled the trigger once more. After the gunfire ended, everyone gathered as Ed and Greg walked the line to judge their handy work. Spike had created a smiley face design with his bullets. Raf’s contribution was a tic-tac-toe board complete with the line from the top left corner to the bottom right. Sam had managed to create a maple leaf design on his target. Then they got to Jules’s target. Every single guy winced in pain and had to fight the urge to cup themselves protectively. There was now a hole at the target’s groin the size and shape of a man’s penis had the target been drawn anatomically correct. Greg and Ed shared a glance and Greg shrugged. 

“I think we have a winner.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“I know that look. You’re grumpy.” Sam commented quietly toward the end of shift as the team gathered to work out. He and Ed had gotten pulled for another vendor spiel after lunch so the team had stayed around the station cleaning equipment. “What’s wrong?”

Jules gritted her teeth as she slowly made her left leg raise a twenty pound weight. The only way she was going to get her knee back in shape was by working through the pain to properly stretch it out. “I talked to my dad earlier.”

Sam winced. While he couldn’t imagine conversations between Jack and Jules ever being as painful as some of the ones he’d had over the years with the General, he knew she had not been looking forward to telling her family about this latest attack. It wasn’t that she wanted to keep the information from her father or brothers but that she didn’t want to send them into a panic of worry either. He was slightly surprised to hear that she’d made the call. “And?”

“After taking about twenty minutes and further assurances by Sarge and Spike I finally convinced him I was okay and could get to what I really wanted to talk to him about. The carpet in the master bedroom.”

After looking at the house the day before, she’d decided that first and foremost the carpet in the master bedroom would have to be replaced. Despite the good job crime scene cleanup had done, Jules had felt like she could still see the imprint of his dead body and flecks of his blood in the carpet. Sam shook his head, not understanding why that would upset her. “And?”

“I knew he didn’t have any business helping me; he’s still recovering from surgery, but I thought he could give me some advice on how to best get the job done.”

“And he didn’t have any advice for you?” Sam probed gently, not really believing that Jack Callaghan wouldn’t do anything he possibly could to help his only daughter. 

“Yeah, hire a professional. Said it was one of the few jobs it was better to go the extra few bucks to let an expert do it right.”

Sam knew how much she really liked to do things herself but also knew she wasn’t against asking for help if the situation called for it. “So we get it done professionally. It can’t cost that much more can it?”

Jules let the weight back down and moved to the arm press. “It’s not the price I’m worried about.” She protested and then admitted. “Sam, we don’t know how many times he was in the house, going through our stuff. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it; makes me want to disinfect everything he might have touched. Maybe I’m being paranoid or overly sensitive but I just don’t feel comfortable letting strangers in my house even if you or I or someone else we know is there to watch them.”

He wanted to quickly denounce the idea that she could be paranoid but knew she didn’t want to just be reassured without thought. “Maybe it is but so what? If any one has reason to feel a little paranoid about having strangers in the house it’s you. So don’t worry about whether it is or it isn’t. The question is, what do we do? Do you live with the carpet or let strangers in the house? Which bothers you more?”

Jules frowned. “I don’t know. How fond are you of carpet in the bedroom anyway?”

Sam chuckled and shook his head. “I really don’t have an opinion one way or the other. Why, you got a third option?”

“Maybe. I replaced the floor in the dining room a few months ago. That wasn’t too difficult. Maybe we could tear the carpet out and replace it with one of those floating hardwood floors. Maybe we can stop by and take another look on the way back to your apartment after work.”

His apartment. She couldn’t bring herself to call it home, not even temporarily. He guessed he couldn’t blame her; he knew how important it was for her to get back everything she’d lost. He too could see the drawbacks of them sharing the small space of his apartment with his sister and Spike. He nodded. “Yeah, we can do that. For now, though, I’m going to get changed so I can get a work out in as well.”

As soon as he was in the locker room, he pulled out his phone and pulled up his list of contacts. Dialing the number he waited until the person on the other end of the line answered. “Hey, it’s Sam. I need a favor.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Yeah, that’s totally doable.” Wordy Wordsworth agreed a couple of hours later when he met the couple at the house. “In fact, it shouldn’t take more than a day or two to get it done.”

Jules stood in the doorway looking in. Actually going into room was harder; something she’d have to work on in order to actually redo the floor. She was glad that Sam had called Wordy. She’d forgotten that he’d recently put the same kind of flooring in Lilly’s room. “Yeah but that’s two days of working all day or about two weeks of a couple of hours here and there after work. Team 1 isn’t scheduled off shift again for the next five days. I guess I could wait for that but…”

“But you are ready to put this behind you and get things back to normal which includes living in your own home.” Wordy finished for her. Even all these years later Shelley wanted things as normal as possible. Which hadn’t exactly been easy since his diagnosis had turned things upside down. “You know what though, I happen to have the weekend off. And Shelley and the girls are doing this mother/daughters weekend thing. So I’m home alone with no plans. If you want to buy the materials and get the gang to help clear out this room, I would love to do this for you.”

His generosity overwhelmed her. The idea of him being in the house didn’t bother her in the least. Wordy wasn’t a stranger; he was a family. Still, it was asking a lot. “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“Unless I misheard, you didn’t ask; I volunteered. It’s a win-win; I get to use my hands on a project while I still can and you get your floor put in quicker than you’d be able to do on your own. After work you can even help out because I know how much you love having a hand in your own projects. Please, let me do this for you and Sam. Let me feel useful.”

“We appreciate it. Four people one bathroom isn‘t exactly a picnic. It‘ll be nice to get back here sooner rather than later. I‘ll give you my house key while you are working so you can let yourself in without having to wait for us.” Sam, who was standing next to Wordy, assured him. “Babe, why don’t you and Wordy go to the home improvement store and pick out the flooring you want. I’ll call the troops in and I bet we can get everything moved out of the room tonight.”

Wordy nodded. “Throw in a few pizzas and I bet we can even get the old carpet ripped out tonight as well. Then it’ll just be a mater of putting the floor in this weekend. What do you say Jules; you and me taking a stroll through your favorite store?”

Jules smiled, grateful once more that she not only had the world’s most perfect boyfriend but the world’s best friends as well. “Who am I to turn down a chance to visit a home improvement store? Let’s do this.”

Wordy returned her smile. “My chariot awaits.”

After they left, Sam made the calls and wasn’t surprised when all four remaining members of the team promised to be right over. That’s what family did; you dropped everything when a family member needed something. While waiting, he started unloading the clothes from the closet to take to the spare bedroom until the room was completed. At the back of the closet, he came across two garment bags. The suit he’d bought for the gala and then worn only for Jules’s eyes to see and the breathtaking green dress she’d worn to accept her award as Law Enforcement Professional of the Year. After the gala, the outfits had been cleaned and put to the back of the closet and pretty much forgotten about. He stared at the bags and with a smile came to a decision. 

Instead of carrying the formal attire to the spare bedroom with the rest of the clothes, he took the garment bags out to the jeep and hid them in the back where Jules wouldn’t notice them when she returned and they finally drove home. While Team 1 worked a normal shift tomorrow, they would have the next day off until late afternoon. He’d have to make plans quickly but he was up for the challenge. Tomorrow night, he was going to fulfill that promise he’d made to Jules the night before. 

_And before we do make love, I’m going to give you an evening to remember so that by the time we’re ready for that step the only thing that will be on your mind is you and me and how right it feels._


	51. Chapter 51

Turning off the spray of hot water, Jules reached a hand out to the hook outside the shower for her towel. After drying off, she then wrapped the towel around her bare body securing it in place. Stepping out of the shower, she avoided looking toward the long bank of mirrors that lined the wall of the women’s locker room. She didn’t need to see her reflection to be reminded once again of the bruises that starkly remained on her face.

It had been a tiring day; four hot calls back to back. Fortunately all had been resolved without loss of life and with only minimal injuries to victims inflicted before their arrival and none after. Still, it was frustrating for her being regulated to keeping the transcript in the truck. She’d tried to convince Sarge when she’d come on that morning that she thought she was recovered enough to handle any role that might come up during their shift. Greg had nodded but told her he’d feel better if she stayed with the truck at least one more day unless something came up that called for her to do more. She’d wanted to protest but Greg wouldn’t be swayed. He left her little room to successfully argue that she was fine when he’d asked when she’d last taken one of her pain pills. 

She’d glared at him, knowing he’d realized she’d overdone it the night before as the entire team, including Wordy, emptied the master bedroom and pulled up the carpet. He’d probably even heard Sam, who hadn’t tried to stop her from working alongside the others in the demolition of the room, quietly suggest that it would be a good idea for her to take a pain pill once they got back to the apartment so she’d be able to sleep without suffering. To help smooth things over, Greg reminded her that the team was working the afternoon/evening shift the next day so they could participate in the take down of a major gun shipment and wouldn’t she prefer to make sure she was at the top of her game for that instead of pushing herself today?

Leaving the bathroom, she went to her locker to get changed. The flooring she’d picked out the night before was scheduled for delivery some time during the afternoon. Wordy had volunteered to meet the delivery men to accept the delivery but she was anxious to stop by the house and see that it had arrived for herself. Her thoughts were so involved on the renovation project she almost didn’t noticed the envelope taped to the outside of her locker. She removed it from the metal door, a soft blush creeping into her cheeks. She recognized the familiar handwriting that penned her name in blue ink on the white envelope. She’d often teased Sam that his handwriting had dual personalities. It was either a careful elegant script on par with just about anything an engraver could accomplish or it was a messy, illegible scrawl that even he had trouble deciphering after the fact. This was writing at his best. 

The single sheet of paper inside had been folded to resemble a card. Opening it, she read the words he’d carefully printed on the paper. She shivered but thought it had more to do with the paper in her hands than the air conditioner blowing on her exposed skin.

**It will be my pleasure to have you join me this evening for a romantic evening of dinner and other surprises. I will pick you up at six. Your dress for the evening is laid out on the bed. Sam**

Jules grinned. She couldn’t remember ever receiving a written invitation for a date before. Just the note had her heart racing in anticipation. She was torn between wanting to re-read the note over and over again and rushing the time so that it was already six in the evening. When had he planned this? He hadn’t given any indication either the night before or today that anything unusual was going on. 

She couldn’t help but wonder what dress he was talking about. Had the last minute spill on his shirt really been just an excuse to send her riding with Spike to keep from being late while he stayed behind to get things ready for whatever it is he had planned? What did he mean by other surprises? 

Setting the invitation on the shelf of her locker she quickly dressed. Suddenly she didn’t mind the fact that she wasn’t going to go by the house to check on the flooring. It didn’t matter what he’d selected for her to wear or where he took her, it was going to be perfect just because it was obvious he’d put time and thought into it. She put the invitation in her purse and closed the locker door. 

Spike was leaning against the dispatcher’s desk talking to Winnie when she emerged. He smiled at her. “Ready to head out?”

Jules nodded and glanced around. “Sam still around?”

“He said he had some errands to run first so he got out of here pretty quick. Said you would understand. Everything okay?” 

She smiled softly and once more blushed slightly. “Yeah, I think everything’s probably better than okay, more like great. Could even be damn close to perfect.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
It was a quarter to six when Sam made it back to his apartment. He’d never felt this nervous before a date, especially when it was not a first date. He’d also never put as much effort into planning and setting up a date as he had this one. He wasn’t sure if that said something bad about him or if rather it spoke volumes about just how special Jules was to him but he wanted everything tonight to be just perfect. 

The apartment was quiet when he entered and he frowned. He knew that Jules had to have gotten the note he’d left on her locker. Had she decided she wasn’t ready for an intimate date and was avoiding him? He tugged at his navy suit jacket nervously and made his way to the closed bedroom door. He opened the door and felt the air rush out of his lungs. 

Her back was to him as she studied her reflection in the mirror but his own view of her through the glass was just as good. Even though the hunter green dress was still unzipped, the crepe material hugged her body in a way that was both alluring and provocative. Reminding himself to breathe, he crossed the room and zipped the dress up and then pulled her flush against him. 

“I thought this was the perfect dress for the perfect woman when you wore it for the Gala but I think you look even more beautiful tonight.” His breath was warm in her ear and his fingers lightly grazed her bare arms. It took every ounce of self control he possessed not to immediately unzip the dress and slip it off of her right away but he wouldn’t rush the night. She deserved better than that. 

She frowned at her reflection. Make-up concealed the worst of the bruising on her right jaw but didn’t hide it completely. Slightly better than pathetically hideous was the best she could come up with. She shook her head. “I think it might be time for you to get your eyes checked.”

“My eyes are seeing just fine thank you.” Sam informed her, still speaking low in her ear. He nodded toward their reflections in the mirror. “You want to know what I see looking back at me? I see an incredibly beautiful, undeniably sexy, hot as hell, strong and capable woman and the luckiest man in the world and maybe even beyond the world if there is intelligent life somewhere else in the universe.” 

Jules shook her head and turned in his arms, putting her back to the reflection. “That’s not what I see. I see a woman who’s been to hell and is still determinedly struggling to fight her way back who, somehow, despite her own stupid attempts to sabotage the best thing to ever happen to her, caught the attention and love of a man who’s the epitome of as close to perfection as humanly possible. And beside her is said man who is so incredibly handsome and caring that he could have any woman in the world but for some reason chose me.”

“I love you.” Sam promised before lightly brushing his lips against hers. Despite the fact that she parted her lips offering him more than a chaste kiss but he pulled back. Disappointment and uncertainty flashed in her eyes but he smiled and lightly caressed her cheek. “If I give in to the urges to kiss you senseless now, we’ll never make our dinner reservation. There’s so much I want to give you tonight. I promised you that I wanted to give you an evening to remember and that’s what I have planned. Our last date was all about that first teenaged crush kind of evening. Tonight I want it to be about the date that really matters. Trust me?”

Jules nodded. “You know I do. But Sam, this dress, your suit, are you sure? I don’t want you to go to trouble…”

He silenced her with another slight kiss and held her gaze even after. “Showing you how much you mean to me, how beautiful and special you are is never any trouble. The last time we wore these clothes, neither of us got to enjoy ourselves the way we should have been able to. I want to rectify that tonight. So please don’t worry about causing me trouble. Okay? I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed planning a date as much as I have this one and the only thing that’s going to be better than planning it is actually getting to enjoy the date itself with you. Are you ready?”

Again, Jules nodded. She waited until they were in the jeep and Sam was driving before she started asking questions, curious as to where he was taking her. He refused to give her so much as a hint. Her eyes widened when he pulled into a parking place. “The Rosebud? Sam, really this is too much…”

“I already told you that it’s not. Please, Jules. No more protests; let me spoil you tonight.”

“Okay, no more protests.” Jules agreed and then Sam frowned.

“I didn’t mean that literally.” He clarified quickly. “If there’s something you truly aren’t comfortable with, then please say something. Just…”

Reaching out, Jules squeezed his hand. “Sam, I know what you mean. I know I can tell you if its something I can’t handle and you’ll stop. And I hope like hell it doesn’t because it’s obvious this date means just as much to you and you are trying to make it for me.”

He curled her hand over his own and raised it to his lips. “This is just the start.” 

With that promise, they got out of the jeep and he kept his hand around her waist as he led her inside. The Maitre-D smiled at them as they approached his station. He was well-trained and didn’t react in the slightest to any of the bruises. Sam gave him his name and they were soon shown to a secluded table to the back and side of the restaurant. The table itself was just a couple of feet shorter than Jules, and as Sam held out her seat, she had to step up to sit on it rather than sink into the chair. He pushed her chair in and went to his own seat. The table was small, small enough that they could sit comfortably away from the table and still their knees brushed lightly against each other. 

“Have you ever eaten here before?” Jules asked as she opened the menu the Maitre-d had left them with. 

“No, but it rated a 23 out of 30 on the Zagat scale so it must be good. Is this table going to be okay? I don’t want it hurting your knee…”

“You know what, I agreed not to protest that you are doing too much, now I want you to stop worrying about whether or not I’m hurting or uncomfortable. I’ll tell you if something’s wrong.” She reached across the small space to take his hand in hers. His finger lightly caressed the red line the cord had left along her wrist. It hurt him to see it but he was glad she’d removed the white gauze bandage Dr. Victor’s had wrapped it with the night of the attack. Preferred being able to see the truth of her injuries rather than imagining what could have been under the bandages. 

“Promise.” 

A waiter appeared at their table. “Good evening. My name is George and I’ll be your server tonight. Could I take your drink order while you are looking at the menu?”

“Tea.” Sam ordered without hesitation. Jules realized he was taking his promise about alcohol not clouding their judgments seriously. She asked for water with lemon and George disappeared again. Sam looked over the menu. “These appetizers look really good. Anything in particular jumping out at you?” 

Jules looked over the appetizer section carefully. She was about to suggest the mussels until her eyes went a couple of choices down. She smiled and Sam was pretty sure he saw her lick her lips slightly. “Mango and blue cheese cream sauce.”

He’d had a feeling she’d like that. “The pan seared scallops it is then.”

By the time George appeared with their drinks, they were ready to order. Sam ordered the espresso crusted lamb loin saying that anything crusted with espresso had to automatically be delicious. Jules stuck with the seafood theme and ordered the salmon. They both knew they’d sample each other’s choices before the meal was over. 

Sam kept hold of her hand as they waited for their food to arrive. He couldn’t deny that he’d been captivated by her from the first moment he’d seen her and the fact that she’d shot him down (while threatening to shoot him for real) had only fueled his interest. If he was honest his early interest in her probably stemmed more from the fact she seemed so disinterested in him than any real feelings. The real feelings had come as he’d gotten to know her and now she was like a drug he couldn’t get enough of or the air he needed just to stay alive. He’d never felt it as keenly as he did sitting there across from her holding her hand and drinking in her image. 

They talked about nothing in particular but neither seemed to mind that the conversation was nothing of importance. The fact that they were together was enough for them both. Even after George brought first the appetizer and then their meals, their interest remained more on the other person than on the food in front of them. Nobody else existed in the crowded restaurant. They took their time lingering over their meals so that by the time their empty plates were ready to be removed from the table, almost two hours had passed since they sat down.

“Can I interest you in desert?” George asked, picking up both plates.

Sam looked at Jules. “We can if you want but I sort of had something else in mind for desert.” 

Jules took her eyes off Sam long enough to glance at George and tell him no thanks. Then she looked back at Sam. “Tonight I’m trusting your plan. Whatever you have in mind, I’m all yours.” 

Sam paid the bill and lead her back to the jeep. This time she didn’t even try to get him to reveal their next destination. She wasn’t sure where she was expecting he to take her for desert but she was caught completely off guard when he pulled up in front of the Royal York. She looked at him, shaking her head in surprise. “Sam, I don’t understand. Why are we here?”

“This is where we shared our first kiss.” Sam reminded her. He reached over and gently brushed a strand of hair from her face. “I wasn’t completely sure you weren’t going to slug me that night.”

Jules flushed. “I thought about it until I realized I was enjoying the kiss too much to think about hitting you. By the time we broke apart I’d forgotten why I had even thought about hitting you in the first place.”

“Come with me.” Sam requested as he got out of the jeep. 

Still confused but thinking he just wanted to stroll down memory lane, Jules joined him on the sidewalk. His hand went to the small of her back as he guided her inside. As dressed up as they were, they didn’t seem out of place as they walked through the lobby toward the elevators. She wasn’t sure why he was ushering her inside and pressing the button for the seventh floor. Her confusion was complete when he put a key card in the door of one of the rooms and opened the door.

“Sam?” 

“I wanted it to be a special night and I just didn’t think we could quite get the privacy we needed with Nat and Spike in the apartment. So I got us a room for the night. I checked in after work and got dressed here before coming to pick you up.” He removed his suit jacket and placed it on the back of a chair before removing the maroon tie as well.

“Sam, these rooms cost a fortune.” Jules protested forgetting her promise.

Sam cupped her face. “Shh, you aren’t supposed to be worrying about cost. Jules, I screwed up the other night. I know that. You needed something and I didn’t give it to you.”

“You didn’t want to hurt me.” Jules assured him. 

“But in trying not to hurt you I ended up doing just that. I just wanted to protect you but it’s not always that easy. I can just do the best I can.”

“Your best is pretty amazing, Braddock.” Jules assured him. She reached up and started to unbutton his shirt. Releasing his hold on her face, he stilled her hands. She looked up at him confused. “I thought…”

“That this was the evening to remember I promised you where we’d make love?” Sam finished for her. She nodded. He kissed her, gently running his thumbs over her cheekbones. “It is and we will. But there’s no hurry. The night is still young and there’s something I want to do first. You said you trusted me right?”

Jules nodded. Sam stepped away from her and picked up a gym bag he’d deposited by the bed when he’d checked in that afternoon in time to get ready to pick her up. He’d packed the bag the night before, quietly moving through the bedroom careful not to wake her. The oversized t-shirt was on top and he removed it from the bag. “Turn around.”

She wanted to ask questions but she’d promised to trust him. Was afraid that if she questioned what he wanted to do that he take it that she was scared and she really wasn‘t. So biting down the questions, she turned as he’d requested. Returning to her, he slowly lowered the zipper on the dress and slipped the beautiful dress from her shoulders letting it fall to a heap at her feet. He unclasped her bra so that it joined the dress on the floor. She toed out of her shoes so that she was standing in the middle of the room in just her panties. She should have felt vulnerable and exposed but she didn’t. She waited for him to lead her to the bed but instead he placed the t-shirt over her head. 

He turned her around. “I want you to get used to my touch again. Without worrying about what’s going to happen or when it’s going to happen.” He led her to the bed and indicated a water glass sitting on the nightstand filled with what looked like scraps of paper. “Each one of those pieces of paper contains a part of your body and a way for me to touch you. I want you to draw out a slip and tell me what it says and then I’ll touch you the way it tells me to touch you. There’s nothing on any of those slips you haven’t been comfortable with before but you can say no to anything you don’t want me to do. In fact if you think this is the stupidest thing you‘ve ever heard, say so and my feelings won‘t be hurt. Tonight is your night.”

Without replying Jules pulled a slip of paper from the glass.


	52. Chapter 52

Her hands were shaking slightly in anticipation. “Foot (rub).”

“Lay down on the bed.” Sam almost whispered the command. Jules did as he requested and was surprised when he disappeared into the bathroom. He returned a few seconds later carrying two big towels and a couple of washcloths. He set them beside her on the bed and then opened the night stand drawer and removed a small bottle of clear liquid. 

“What is that?” Jules couldn’t help but ask. Her heart was racing but it wasn’t fear that had it beating almost out of her chest.

“Massage oil. It’s okay. I don’t have to use it…” Sam watched her carefully not ready to proceed unless he was sure she wanted him to continue.

“It’s okay.” Jules promised. 

Sam poured a drop or two of the oil into his hands and sat down on the edge of the bed and picked up her left ankle with one hand and her foot in the other. He gently rotated it first clockwise and then counterclockwise about five times. Then he started rubbing circles into different parts of her foot with his thumbs. He worked his way all over her foot using different amounts of pressure in each spot rubbing the massage oil into her skin. His hands had warmed the oil to the point that it wasn‘t quite hot but extremely warm. Occasionally he’d ask her if the pressure and speed of which he was moving was good. After several minutes after the oil on his hands had been thoroughly worked into the soles of her foot, he let the appendage go. He applied a couple more drops of oil to his hands and repeated the process with her right foot. After it too had been lovingly ministered to, he returned it to the bed and wiped his hands on one of the wash clothes. 

“Want to choose another one?”

She felt so relaxed, she wasn’t sure she could move but leaned over and retrieved a second slip. “Back (touch).”

“Roll over on your stomach.” Again the command was barely more than a whisper. She complied. Starting at the base of her neck he started to lightly run his fingertips over her body through the t-shirt. He moved all over her back, sometimes running the tips up and down before switching to circular motions to drawing patterns. After several minutes, he switched to using his fingernails to lightly scratch her back in much the same way. Though he didn’t speak his eyes never left Jules’s face, looking for any sign that she wasn’t comfortable with what he was doing. The website he’d found that gave him the idea for this sort of activity had recommended having the partner close their eyes for each touch but he hadn’t wanted to ask that of her given that she’d been blindfolded during the attack less than a week earlier. He couldn’t help but grin when her eyes closed voluntarily. He leaned close to her ear. “Which do you like better? The tips of my fingers or my fingernails?”

She whimpered slightly. “Don’t make me choose.”

Though he wanted to keep to what the slip of paper asked of him, he kissed the side of her face near her ear. “It’s okay. This isn’t a competition. I just want to make you feel good. It’s okay for you to tell me what you like and it’s okay if there’s something you don’t particularly care for.”

“I…I…” Jules started but then stopped. Sam stilled his hands and once more encouraged her that she could tell him anything. She opened her eyes and twisted her head to look at him. “I really liked what you did the other night massaging my back with your thumbs.”

Sam kissed her lips lightly. He knew there was another slip in the glass that called for a full back massage but if she wanted him to touch her using the pads of his thumbs then that’s what he’d give her. Her eyes closed again as he repeated his earlier motions the way she’d requested. As his thumb pressed into one particular spot on her lower back, she arched into his touch and her fingers curled into the bedspread beneath her. Realizing he’d hit a sweet spot for her he concentrated his touch in and around that spot making her whimper in pleasure. Giving her back once last brush with his fingertips, he reached up and touched her cheek. 

“We still have a lot of slips to go. We can come back to this one later if you want.” Sam promised. 

Understanding that he wanted her to select another option from the glass, Jules slowly uncurled her fingers and reached out to the glass. There was no sign of sniper hands as her shaky hands almost knocked over the glass. Sam reached out and steadied the glass as she retrieved a third slip. She shuddered in anticipation as she read what it said. “Ear (touch).”

Again, he didn’t want to follow everything that had been suggested for this body part which called for him to straddle her waist as he played with her ear. He didn’t want her to feel trapped and he certainly didn’t want to hurt her still bruised ribs. He stretched out on the bed beside her so that he was propped against the headboard and then gently rolled her toward him so that she was resting completely on top of him. He traced the outline of her ears with his fingertips. She wiggled slightly against him as the movement tickled her. While she didn’t complain or pull away, he could tell she wasn’t enjoying this position as much as she had the previous two so he didn’t linger long on her ears before requesting that she choose another slip. 

There was a slight catch in her voice as she read the next assignment. “Stomach (lips).” 

Sam hesitated. As he’d made the slips for this game he’d hesitated to include the ones that called for him to kiss her. As he had told her from the start, his ultimate goal with this was to help her relax with his touch. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. In the end he’d decided to include the lips options in order to let her have the choice if she was comfortable with it. “Remember, you can skip any one of these if you don’t want to try it.”

“I know.” She assured him but didn’t ask to skip the position. Sam eased out from under her and allowed her to lie on her back on the bed. Spreading her legs so that he could kneel between them in easy reach of her stomach, he rolled the t-shirt up so that her abdomen was exposed. He didn’t immediately bring his lips into contact with her skin. Instead, he blew his warm breath along the edge of her panty line before moving up higher. 

Sam was careful to keep his hands pressed into the bed on either side of her body as he lowered his lips to her bare skin. Placing feather light kisses, he covered the same area that he’d just breathed on. Jules squirmed beneath him but her quick breaths quickly convinced him that she was enjoying the attention, not trying to get away. He alternated between kisses and licks paying particular attention to her bellybutton. Then he moved to the area just above her hip bone sucking lightly much like he’d done on her neck the night the team went for drinks. The slight gasps and pants his actions were eliciting from her were adding to his own arousal and he was glad he could show her such pleasure. 

Much like the sweet spot he’d found on the small of her back, now that he’d located this one on her hip bone, he concentrated all his attention there, switching from sucking to hot breaths to licks to back to sucking. Suddenly her whole body went completely rigid and her cry of pleasure broke off mid-cry. His mouth still on the spot he glanced up at her face to see that her eyes and mouth were wide open and he couldn’t tell if she was even breathing. He could however see two tears running from the sides of her eyes.

Immediately Sam moved from kneeling between her legs to lying beside her on the bed. He knew what was happening and while glad he could create such a sensation in her with just his touches and kisses, he worried that it would be too much too soon for her. Part of him questioned whether he should back off and give her space until she came down from her emotional high and could articulate how she felt. But just as quickly though, instinct took over and he pulled her close to his body, kissing away the tears. Crooning soothing words in her ear, he buried her head to his chest until her body lost some of its rigidity and she relaxed in his arms breathing hard.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He promised over and over. He could feel two wet spots spreading over his blue dress shirt but wasn’t sure what was sparking her tears. Were they the happy tears he knew some women shed after such an intense sexual response or was she truly upset? The answer became clearer and yet more confusing when he realized she was repeating the same two words between her gasping breaths. 

He cupped the back of her head in his hand and guided her head up to look at him. Her eyes were bright and her face flushed. He didn’t think she’d ever looked more beautiful to him. He shook his head, his eyes questioning. “Jules, Sweetheart, what are you apologizing for?”

“You’ve gone to so much trouble -- done all this for me, and I’m ruining it.”

Sam was shocked; was she serious? She was apologizing for climaxing? “Jules, what are you talking about? Nothing’s ruined.”

“But I came apart like that just from you kissing me…”

Sam leaned down and gave her a quick kiss. “I have to be honest with you, Jules. That’s a ego booster for a guy not something you have to apologize for. I promise you haven’t ruined anything. If anything you’ve made it better.”

“Fat chance.” Jules argued. “Sam, I’m not being fair to you. You’re giving me so much but I’m not giving you anything.” 

Sam chuckled. “Seriously? You think you aren’t giving me anything? Let me show you how wrong you are.” He took her hand in his and guided it to the hard bulge in his pants. He didn’t hold her hand there for anything length of time because he knew she wasn’t comfortable with that but brushed it enough so there was no doubting the effect their evening was having on him as well.

Jules’s eyes widened. “But I haven’t touched you…”

“You don’t have to Jules.” He assured her. “This is what touching and kissing you does to me. It’s always been like that. You’ve got that effect on me. Sometimes I don’t have even have to be touching you. You can look at me at times and there’s just something about your glance that makes me grow painfully hard. You add in a smile or you say my name or hell I just think about you and it’s enough to make me cum.”

He normally didn’t talk so openly or graphically about such things but wanted her to know just how much she affected him. She shuddered at his honesty. Her eyelashes fluttered a little and Sam kissed her again. “Sweetheart, everything is perfectly fine. Whatever you want to do. If this is as far as you want things to go tonight, then that’s as far as it goes. If you want to continue, we can do that as well. If you want something different, then I’m open to that as well. Whatever. You say the word.”

She considered his words carefully. She chewed her bottom lip for a moment. “I want to continue…”

Sam nodded. “Okay. We can do that. I’m sensing a but however. What is it? You don’t have to feel embarrassed or scared to tell me.”

“Can we wait a few minutes?” 

Sam nodded to her request. “Yeah, there’s no hurry. We’ve got all night. We don’t have to check out until noon and I packed us both clothes for tomorrow so if we want we can leave here and go directly to work. You think you’re ready for a little dessert?”

“I know you told George at the restaurant that you had plans for dessert. I guess after we got here I thought this was dessert.”

He grinned, gently caressing her jaw line. “You’re always on the top of my dessert list. A craving I never get enough of. But yeah, I actually have dessert plans. Something I think you’ll enjoy.”

“Okay. I think I need a couple of moments though, a chance to visit the bathroom.”

“Take your time.” 

But she made no move to leave his side. He looked down and caught her casting furtive looks over at the water glass that contained the slips of paper. “Something else bothering you?”

Again she chewed on her bottom lip. Sam resisted the urge to kiss it away from her teeth. The flush of her reaction changed to a real blush. “When we start back, can we make one change?” Again Sam nodded but didn’t say anything aloud, worried that she’d stop talking. She didn‘t quite meet his eyes as she asked quietly. “Can we take turns?”

The arousal he’d let her feel moments earlier got even harder. “You want to touch me as well?” This time it was Jules who nodded without speaking. “If you want to, yeah; I’d like that a lot but only if it’s what you really want and not what you think you should do.”

“It’s what I want to do. You might have to walk me through what to do though.” Jules admitted quietly.

“Trust your instincts. Think about how you’d want me to touch you there and use your imagination. There’s no right or wrong way to do any of this; it’s all about discovering what your partner likes. I’ll give you ideas if you want but you probably won’t need them.” 

Once Jules disappeared into the bathroom, Sam went to the bag he’d set on the corner table earlier that afternoon when he’d brought in everything else. He pulled out a box of graham crackers, a jar of marshmallow cream, and a container of chocolate dip. He opened up his purchases and pulled out a plastic knife from the bag as well. He spread the white fluffy cream on one side of about a dozen graham cracker quarters and chocolate dip on an equal amount. 

He glanced back toward the bathroom but Jules had yet to emerge. He thought about checking on her but decided to give her a moment or two to collect herself. Instead he picked up her dress from where they had discarded it on the floor earlier. He hung it up in the closet and fingered one of the hotel robes already hanging there. He glanced back toward the bathroom once more but didn’t hear any sign that Jules was about to return. His initial plan was that he was going to stay dressed until or if Jules was ready for them to actually make love. But if she wanted him to participate in his game as a recipient, he would have to shed his suit. 

He slipped out of his pants down to his boxers and draped them over a hanger. He unbuttoned his shirt and removed it as well. He added it to the hanger and hung it next to Jules’s dress. Then he removed one of the robes and put it on over his boxers. It would be easy enough to slip off the robe later when it was necessary. 

Jules still hadn’t appeared and Sam was starting to get worried that she was letting her nerves get the better of her. He was about to knock on the door and check on her when the door opened and she stepped out. She smiled when she saw that he’d changed. She hadn’t wanted to admit that it was a little unnerving being the only one mostly undressed while he was still wearing his suit. 

“Hungry?” He asked as she emerged. She nodded. Really after such a wonderful dinner she wasn’t sure how much room she had for dessert but she was curious to see what he had planned. Before she could see his offerings he took her by the hand. “Will you trust me to close your eyes and let me feed you?”

Wanting him to know that she trusted him, she nodded and obediently closed her eyes. He guided her toward the table and requested that she open her mouth. He combined a cracker quarter with marshmallow cream with one with chocolate to make a makeshift smore and placed the end of the sweet treat in her mouth. She bit into it and then opened her eyes. 

“You made smores? How?”

“I cheated.” He admitted with a grin. He explained how he had used the pre-melted versions of two of the main ingredients. “Do they taste okay?”

“Awesome.” She put together two more quarters and then fed it to him so that he could see for himself. A little bit of the marshmallow cream remained on his lips and she reached up to wipe it off with her thumb. Before she could remove it, Sam turned his head capturing her thumb in his mouth sucking off the lingering cream. 

They took turns feeding each other until all the crackers that he’d fixed were gone. Then Sam reached over and dipped his finger in the chocolate dip and smeared it on Jules’s lips. Before she could protest he leaned toward her and kissed her, removing the chocolate at the same time. When he finally pulled back, he smiled at her. “Want some more or are you ready to continue with the other?”

She glanced back at the cup. “Will you choose one first?”

He nodded and led her back to the bed. He chose a slip of paper and smiled when he read what it said. He couldn’t have chosen a better one if he’d planned it. “Neck (rub).”

She blushed. She knew he liked it when she gave him a neck rub at the end of a long tiring day. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask to see the slip to make sure it really said a neck rub and that he hadn’t made it up before he knew she’d be comfortable with it. But she didn’t think it was fair to question him. He eased the robe down away from his shoulders without fully removing it and laid down on the bed. For a moment she stood beside the bed watching him, unsure of herself. 

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Sam reminded her.

“I know.” Jules replied. She wanted to but she wasn’t sure how to proceed. In the past when she’d given him a neck rub like this, she would straddle his waist to get a good grip on his neck muscles in her small hands. He’d been very careful in his contact with her not to make her uncomfortable. Perhaps if she treated him the way she’d normally would it would make him realize it was okay for him to do the same. At the same time she was a little embarrassed he would instantly feel how wet her panties were after her earlier arousal. 

Not wanting to be scared of her feelings or her responses, she made her decision. She joined him on the bed and placed one knee on either side of his body. She didn’t quite sit on his back the way she would have before but she was sure he could still get a little feel for what his earlier attentions had done to her. She worked her fingers into the skin around his neck. He groaned in pleasure as her fingers expertly worked at the tension in the muscles. 

“Damn, Jules, it shouldn’t be possible for those little hands to be able to create such magic.” 

She eyed the bottle of massage oil sitting on the nightstand next to the glass. With only the slightest hesitation, she leaned over and poured a few drops of the oil in her hand. Sam’s eyes were closed and he didn’t realized what she’d done until the warm liquid dripped onto his skin. 

Her strong but nimble fingers dug into his skin, expertly knowing how much pressure to apply and all the right spots to hit. He could only hope that he was making her feel half as good as she was making him. The wetness of her panties against his robe suggested he was. When he was afraid she was about to relax him so much he’d drift off to sleep before finishing everything he wanted to do, he raised up slightly. 

“My turn. You pick a slip now.”

She reached into the cup and selected a slip. She blushed slightly. “Butt (rub).”

She set the slip down and moved off of him so that she could lay on the bed beside him. Sitting up Sam reached up and brushed her hair from her face. “You okay with this?”

She nodded but he could sense her reluctance. Still he wasn’t going to hold back unless she specifically asked him to. Sitting beside her he gently massaged her butt cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, varying the speed and pressure. Then he lightly squeezed first one cheek and then the other. He wasn’t going to slap or pinch as the website had suggested; wanted this to be pleasurable and not painful. After a few minutes he looked at her. “Want me to choose another one?”

She nodded and turned over on her side and propped up on her elbow, watching him. He reached into the glass and pulled out a slip. “Damn.” He practically whispered as he read it silently. Jules raised an eyebrow.

“What does it say? You can always skip it if you aren’t comfortable with it.” She echoed his words from several times in the evening. He slightly rolled his eyes at hearing his words parroted back at him. 

“Smart ass. It says tickle foot.” He waited for her to explode in laughter and wasn’t disappointed. He’d discovered by accident one night that her feet were ticklish but it was nothing compared to how ticklish his own feet were. 

“Oh this is going to be great. You put that in there expecting to tickle my feet? I’m so going to enjoy this. Lay down Braddock.”

Sam complied. “Just so you know, you get to tickle me until I manage to get my foot away.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “Like I’m going to let that happen any time soon.”

The challenge was on then. She grabbed his foot and began to tickle him. At first he didn’t even try to pull away allowing her a moment to be the giver of the attention. It was difficult because he was extremely ticklish. After a couple of minutes he couldn’t take it any long and tried to squirm away. She tightened her hold on his foot. They were both laughing and then Jules made her mistake. She turned her back to him so that she could trap his ankle between her arm and body, making it impossible for him to free himself. 

Sam sat up, knowing that as ticklish as he was on the soles of his feet, she was just as ticklish at her sides. So much so that if he so much as accidentally caught her unaware at her goose point, all he had to do after that would be point at her and she’d dissolve into laughter and squirm away from him. 

Before she could pick up on what he was planning, he grabbed her sides right where he knew she was the most ticklish. She squealed but refused to let go of his foot. If anything she doubled her attempts to tick him and he did the same for her. Even though he outweighed her by at least sixty pounds, she was a scrappy fighter and her determination made her an evenly matched foe. Knowing this could go on all night if one of them didn’t do something to get the upper hand, Sam lowered his head to her neck and began to suck lightly at the base of her neck. 

Her back arched and she leaned her head to the side giving him better access. Tickling was quickly forgotten and as soon as his foot was free, he lowered her to the bed, hovering over her kissing her neck. Her fingers worked at the knot on his robe, untying it and pushing the robe off his body. His mouth left her neck and blazed a trail to her mouth, claiming it as his own. Their tongues dueled silently as her hands played across his now bare chest. 

When they both needed breath, Sam pulled back. “I really want to make love to you now.”

Jules was breathing heavily and looked up into his eyes. Her inner feelings were carefully hidden from him. “So what are you waiting for?”

Carefully he lifted her t-shirt over her head. She raised up to aid him in ridding her of the garment. He lowered her gently back to the bed. The bruises on her chest were still bad but were starting to fade slightly. He gripped the sides of her panties but stopped himself from removing them. “Are you sure? I promise I’ll be slow and gently but I can’t guarantee that it won’t be completely pain free. If you want this, we’ll take this step. If you need me to give you a moment at any time just say the word and I’ll wait. If you need me to stop completely, all you have to do…”

“I’ll walrus you. Please Sam. I trust you. I know you won’t hurt me on purpose and I know you’ll do everything in your power not to. If it’s too much I’ll tell you but I want this. I want you. I can’t guarantee it won’t scare me a little but we won’t know unless we try.”

“Copy that.” Sam assured her and removed the last barrier of clothing she had before doing the same with his own clothing. 

“Sam, I’m still on the antibiotic. Did you think about…” She flushed again. Talking about contraceptives always seemed to embarrass her. 

“Don’t worry about it Jules. Got it covered.”

He kissed her again, moving her body further up the bed so that her head was on the pillows once more. Not breaking off the kiss, he pulled the drawer open and reached inside for one of the foil packets he’d placed there for just this moment. While he knew the idea of discussing various forms of protection embarrassed her, it was a subject he was usually content to talk about easily with a woman he was planning to bed; just one of those things that had to be discussed in order to proceed. The only time he could remember ever stumbling over his words when it came to talking about contraception had been that night in the ER when Greg had to ask his questions. But at this point he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject of his choice of protection with her. It had been different when it was just research on the internet for alternatives to a latex condom. Still, bringing it up to Jules now seemed to be tantamount to throwing the attack back in her face. And that was the last thing he wanted to do. So, without discussing it with her, he opened the foil packet and slid the condom on. 

She took his hand in her own and brought it up to her breast. Taking the movement as an invitation, he lightly ran his thumb over her nipple causing her to arch. He was pretty sure she was as ready for him as he was to be inside her and he spread her legs away granting him access to her warm wet center. As he had promised he stopped with his manhood touching her and her eyes widened and she pushed him back with the palm of her hand.

“Damn it, Sam. Stop. I’m serious here. Don’t play games with me. Don’t tease me.”

Her words stung. Did she seriously think he was playing games with her after everything that had happened? “Jules you know I’d never do that to you. What’s wrong? What’s bothering you? You gotta talk to me.”

“We have to use protection. I just told you that and you said you had it covered but you don’t. _It’s_ not covered. Just wear the damn condom; I can handle it.”

Sam controlled his features to make sure he didn’t smile; he was pretty sure that wouldn’t go over well. Even if it made him nervous, he was going to have to take his own advice and talk to her. “I am wearing a condom, Jules. I didn’t want to risk bringing up bad memories by wearing a latexr one. It’s lambskin. Trojan claims they feel more natural and I guess they do. Perfectly safe for what we need them for.” To emphasize his point, he once more took her hand in his and brought it down just so she could feel that he indeed was wearing protection. “Okay? You ready for me to continue?”

She nodded. Slowly he entered her stopping when she hissed at the momentary pain caused by him stretching her healing bruises and tears but continuing when she nodded indicating it was okay for him to continue. 

“Okay?” She nodded and he slowly started to move within her. He’d been so painfully aroused most of the night, he knew he wasn’t going to last long before finding his release but he wanted to put it off as long as he could so that make it good for her. His control was slipping thought and he wanted to increase his speed and rhythm. Apparently Jules wanted him just as much cause her short fingernails dug into his bare shoulders.

“Sam please.”

“Please what Jules?” He was breathing hard from the attempt to keep it slow and steady for her.

She lifted her hips to meet his gentle thrust. Recognizing what she wanted, he gave her what she was requesting. For the second time that night her body went rigid and she forgot how to breath as she rode out the waves of pleasure. Three more thrusts and he joined her. As they both recovered he tucked her in close to him and they both drifted off to sleep.


	53. Chapter 53

Their second round of lovemaking two hours later was just as gentle if not quite as earth shattering. Whimpers from a dream-soon-to-be-full-fledged-nightmare had woken Sam. In turn, he’d woken Jules before her whimpers could turn to full fledge sobs. Breathing hard, she’d begged him in whispers to make love to her again. He didn’t question whether it would be a good idea to give into her request other than ask her if she was sure it was what she really wanted. He ignored the overprotective part of his nature that wanted to argue that her whimpered yes didn’t exactly assure him that it was the best thing for her. Instead, he pulled her closer and covered her with his body. Sam took his time, still not allowing anything to go further than she’d always been comfortable with. Because with this act of lovemaking, he knew she wasn’t quite in the same aroused state they‘d been in after the tickle fight, he made sure to liberally coat his lambskin coated manhood with the massage oil to ensure he didn’t hurt her. 

Afterward, they laid entangled in each others arms as he lazily drew circles on her upper hip. Both were drowsy but not fully asleep. He was watching her carefully, partially because he couldn’t get enough of looking at her and partially because he wanted to make sure he hadn’t unintentionally hurt her. He kissed her forehead.

“It’s okay to sleep you know.”

She shrugged. “I will. Don’t let me keep you up though.” 

He could hear it in her voice. It was that little tone she reserved for when she was feeling particularly vulnerable that said more than her words did. “Jules, what is it?”

“Tonight has been so wonderful. First dinner and then everything here. You’ve been so understanding and wonderful. What girl wouldn’t love everything about tonight?”

Sam kept his features carefully neutral even though he couldn’t deny the sharp sting he felt at her words. Where had he gone wrong? “You didn’t love it?”

Her eyes widened. “Of course I loved it” Her voice rose slightly at the accusation that she hadn’t. “Everything was perfect. You were prefect. We were perfect. I’m the one who’s screwed up.”

The hand on her hip stilled and then hand behind her neck reached around to tilt her head to where he could really look at her. “Jules, you aren’t screwed up. How can you think that?”

“Because they shouldn’t have shown up but they did. It’s over and I thought I was getting my life back. You made me feel so loved and safe and they show up to ruin it. It’s got to be me.”

Though her words were more than a little rambling Sam thought he understood enough to know what she was saying. “You think because you have bad dreams you’re screwed up? If that’s true then we’re all screwed up. It’s been over four years and I still have nightmares about what happened with Matt, especially after what happened at the stadium. Hell, it’s been a lot more than four years since my sister died and certain things trigger nightmares about that. The day you were shot, the museum shooting, the explosion at the lab, horrible nightmares for several nights.”

“Sam.” She drew out his name, her tone taking that almost whiny pleading quality she only used when she was feeling her most vulnerable and didn’t think she was being heard, the tone that had first led him to pull her to him and take that first kiss outside this very hotel. “I get having nightmares when bad things happen, believe me I do. But tonight wasn’t a bad event. It was the complete opposite of bad and yet I’m still having the bad dreams.”

Sam draped his leg over hers and used his strong leg muscles to draw her even closer. He resumed his rhythmic stroking of her hip. “Jules, to be honest I’m not surprised you had bad dreams.”

Jules snorted. “Yeah cause you know I’m screwed up.”

His blue eyes never left her face as his other hand gripped her shoulder lightly. “You know I don’t think you’re screwed up. Jules, no matter how much we’d like to pretend it didn’t happen, both your uncle and the guy the other day assaulted you. Becoming intimate again was bound to be a pretty big trigger your subconscious was going to have to deal with. It doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy it or that you weren’t ready for what we did. Doesn’t mean you are weak; quite the opposite, I think it shows just how strong you really are. You didn’t let the nightmares win. You didn’t push me away even though I wouldn’t have faulted you if you had. Instead you showed you were stronger than the dreams and your fears. You’ve got nothing to feel bad about.”

A hint of a smile flirted with her lips. “I did didn’t I? I hadn’t really thought about that. I just knew I wanted the feel of you loving me to erase all the bad images. Now that you have I don’t to risk them coming back.”

Sam lowered his head so that he could capture her lips with his. Then he pulled back. “Roll over on your stomach.” He requested quietly. He moved his leg from over her to allow her to move. 

She gave him an odd look but obeyed. Sam leaned over her and brushed her hair away from her bare back and neck. He kissed the nape of her neck. “I’m going to help you relax enough that you can sleep. One of the slips we didn’t get to earlier that I think you’ll like.”

Letting his fingers lightly dance along her back as he did so, he lowered the sheet that covered her so that her bare back was completely exposed. Reaching to the nightstand, Sam picked up the bottle of massage oil and loosened the top. Earlier, he had placed a few drops in his hand but this time he tipped the bottle slightly dribbling a small amount directly on her back. 

She shivered as it tickled but Sam immediately began to work the oil into her skin. This wasn’t like any back rub he’d ever given her before, and he‘d given her plenty in their time together. At the end of a hard day, when her muscles were tight and sore from over use or an otherwise punishing day, she loved to lay flat on her stomach as his strong powerful hands almost painfully kneaded the tension out of her sore muscles. By the time he was finished with her on those days, any knot of tension that could possibly exist in her body had been skillful worked loose. Then there were the times when his purpose was to seduce rather than soothe. When his nimble fingers found that sweet spot on her back that could instantly turn her to putty. He always acted innocent when he found it; sort of like he’d found it by accident for the first time. But she knew he knew each time exactly what he was doing and he was certainly skillful at doing so.

But this wasn’t like either of those massages. His fingers didn’t dig into her muscles and they didn’t seek out that sensitive spot that would have her arching further into his fingertips. This was a slow relaxing back rub where the tips of his fingers pressed in only enough to work the oil he poured over her into her skin. And just as slowly, all the reasons she had for fighting sleep seemed to ebb away. Her eyelids started to droop.

Sam was glad her face was turned toward him so that he could watch her face. He was enjoying her slow surrender into sleep, the way her eyelids slipped shut only to open once again. Once he worked in the initial drizzle of oil he’d poured on her back, he reached for the bottle again to reapply. He continued to work the oil in using slow circular motions with his finger tips until her bare back glistened, her breathing had evened out, and her eyes closed and remained closed. 

He wiped his hands on the wash cloth that was lying nearby from his earlier use of the massage oil, and, after turning off the bedside lamp, he laid down beside her, lying more on his stomach than his side. One hand remained on her lower back just above her buttocks, his thumb rubbing circles into her skin while his other arm stretched out above both their heads to gently run his fingers through her long hair that was fanned out over her pillow. 

He kissed her lips gently and while she didn’t stir, he couldn’t help but smile at her contented sigh that followed. He was asleep a few minutes later.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Okay team, Guns and Gangs has been keeping its eyes and ears on a new gang that’s popping up in the area. They call themselves the Pistoleros.”

Spike frowned. “That’s Italian for gunman.”

Greg nodded. “And that’s exactly what they are. Guns and Gangs has been trying to figure out how they’ve been receiving regular shipments of guns coming in from outside the country. The best estimate so far is that at least three million dollars worth of illegal arms have made their way into the area so far.”

“That makes them more dangerous than pretty much most of the other gangs in the area.” Ed picked up the briefing. “We’ve got an opportunity today to take down some of their major players and prevent a new shipment from making it to the streets.”

“We know how the guns are coming in?” Sam piped up from his seat at the briefing table. 

Greg nodded. “We don’t know where the flight originates, but the destination seems to always be Toronto Island. Port Authority has tried to catch them but haven’t had success. The cargo service used apparently changes as well as the times and dates of arrival. So we’re going to try to catch them as they transfer the shipment from Toronto Island to Toronto Harbour.”

Ed picked up with the tactical. “Guns and Gang believe the Pistoleros use two boats to make the transfer and that they come in from different directions. Their intelligence gives us the names and possible routes of those boats. We’re going to be set up to intercept both boats before they reach land. We’ve got two boats of our own that we’ll use to get into position to take down the subjects. Sarge, Spike, Sam, and a detective from Guns and Gangs will be on one boat. The rest of us and another detective form Guns and Gangs will be on the other.” 

After he explained their roles, the briefing broke up and the team moved out to prepare for the take down. Sam caught Jules’s arm and pulled her into the weight room. His eyes searched hers. “You okay with this?”

The truth was he was the one who wasn’t okay with it. Ed had them on separate boats that would be on opposite sides of the bay. To make things worse, Jules and the detective from Guns and Gangs would be in civilian clothes acting as a couple out enjoying a boat ride while Ed perched hidden on top of the boat in Sierra position and Raf went in the water to board the suspect boat. He worried she’d be uncomfortable posing as half of a couple with a stranger though he knew she’d never admit it to either Ed or Sarge. Hell, she probably wouldn’t even admit it to herself or to him.

She shrugged. “You know me, I love my Remy the way Spike loves Babycakes but at least I’m in the action this time. It was really starting to suck being in the truck.”

“Nobody loves anything the way Spikes loves Babycakes.“ Sam raised an eyebrow. “And the fact you are going to pretend to be on a date with someone you’ve never met? You okay with that?”

Again she shrugged. “Yeah, sure, why not? I’ve got to get changed before we head out.” 

She turned on her heel and walked nonchalantly toward the ladies room. Sam started to follow her but held back. He couldn’t smother her and he couldn’t insist that she admit that she wasn’t comfortable if she didn’t want to. Besides continuing to check on her after she said she was okay would only make her think he didn’t think she could handle it. It wasn’t that; he just had trouble keeping a reign on that overprotective nature he had. 

Ten minutes later they were ready to leave the headquarters to head to the harbor. Ed, Sam, and Raf were in uniform although Raf was also wearing a wet suit under his uniform because he would be going into the water to board the subject’s boat. Sam couldn’t help but shake his head and smirk when Raf offered a complaint about the wet suit being uncomfortable. 

“At least you’re getting a wet suit. Ed claims it isn’t but I think it’s pretty clear that taking swims is definitely a rookie thing.”

“Watch it Sam. It’s not too late to make a few changes. I can always send Jules into a sniper position and let you go in the water instead of the detective from Guns and Gangs.” Ed warned, with an easy grin. And then felt the need to add. “And at this point, we wouldn’t have time for you to change into a wet suit.”

The almost stricken expression on Sam’s face had them all laughing. It was a good, lighthearted moment for them to depart HQ on. The Guns and Gangs detectives would meet them at the marina. Jules, wearing the jeans, tank top, and over shirt she’d worn to work, was behind the wheel of one SUV with Greg sitting in the passenger seat. He was also dressed in jeans and an old flannel shirt. She glanced over at him and wrinkled her nose. 

“Seriously Sarge, it smells like those clothes were closed up in a cooler full of fish long past their prime.”

Greg looked shocked. “I have no idea what you are tying to insinuate. I’m supposed to be playing the part of a fisherman; I’ve got to look the part.”

Jules snorted. “Look, not smell. I know we’re planning on our boats getting close to their boats but I don’t think you have to be that authentic.”

“You’re just jealous because you’re not getting to go fishing with me.” Greg teased back. “You know, if it bothers you that much I can switch yours and Spike’s role.” 

Jules glanced his way, trying to ascertain whether he was just yanking her chain or if he was worried like Sam about her distraction role. “Right.” She drawled out slowly. “Because I’m such an avid fisherman and Spike would make such a convincing date for the detective Guns and Gangs sends over. I think we should probably just follow Ed’s plan as it is.”

They rode in silence for the next few minutes. Feeling like she was being scrutinized, Jules glanced back over at Greg. “What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing, you just never cease to amaze me or make me proud. I mean look at you; everything that’s been going on and yet you’ve bounced back like nothing happened.”

Jules shook her head. “Don’t. Don’t make me out to be more than I am. Can I do my job? Hell yeah but am I looking at things like nothing happened? Not even close.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes being brave means you are the only one who knows that you are afraid. I know you probably still have your struggles but you don’t wallow in them. Just reminds me how strong you really are.”

Jules blushed. “Thanks. Sam might not always agree with you though.”

“I doubt that.” Greg assured her. “So how are the renovations on your house going? You and Wordy got that new floor laid yet?”

Again Jules snorted. “Not hardly. It was delivered yesterday but Wordy is going to start on it today since he‘s off. I’ll help him when I can. I want to get it done quickly. Sam’s apartment is great but I’ll be happy to be back home. Natalie and Spike have been great but I’m sure they’d like the apartment to themselves again.”

“You’ll get there soon enough. Anything any of the rest of us can do to help, you know to ask, right?”

Jules nodded as she pulled into a spot in the marina. She shot Greg a smile. “Let’s go keep the peace.”

“First you insult my attire and now you are stealing my lines. What’s up with that?”

Jules just chuckled. The team assembled at the end of the pier. The lead detective on the case from Guns and Gangs was waiting for them. He greeted them and introduced the members of his team that would be waiting on land for when they intercepted the shipment and were ready to make the arrests. 

Spike frowned. “Okay, I’ve been thinking about this plan and one thing bothers me. How are we supposed to get these boats to stop close enough that we can board and check for the shipment? I can’t imagine they’d be willing to stop just for the hell of it.”

The detective nodded. “Taken care of. General rule of boating is that you lend aid to a ship in distress even in a smaller waterway like this. To not do so would raise suspicions. Suspicions they wouldn’t want raised. Boat Alpha -- that’s the fishing boat will have a man go overboard.”

Spike frowned looking at Greg. “Let me guess, that’ll be me.”

The SRU sergeant smiled. “After all, you are the rookie between us.”

“Thanks a lot Sam for bringing up the rookie issue.” Spike quipped then nodded toward Jules and Ed. “What about their boat?”

“Engine trouble. We’ve got a smoke canister rigged to go off by remote when the suspects’ boat is in range. It’ll look like an engine fire. Here come the detectives who’ll be on the boats with you.”

One detective was wearing a wet suit similar to the one Raf was wearing now that he’d shed his uniform. The other detective, the one who would be posing as Jules date, smiled at her.

“Hey Gorgeous. Think we could not tell me wife about this date?”

Sam smiled. If someone had to pose as a boyfriend for Jules, he was glad that it was going to be Wordy. Jules hugged him. “Only if you promise not to tell my boyfriend; he can be a tad jealous.”

Spike snorted at the word tad. Sam slapped at his arm good naturedly. Spike laughed. As they moved off to their respective boats to get into position, Sam and Jules exchanged a look full of silent conversation. Conversation that expressed their love for each other and elicited a promise from the other to be careful. Their look held the other the way some people hold hands. 

Jules felt a hand at her upper back leading her toward the boat. She glanced up at Wordy. “I thought you were off duty today.”

“I was but I heard what was going down tonight and volunteered for the detail. Couldn’t pass up an opportunity to work with my team could I?” His boyish grin was infectious and Jules smiled back at him.

She wasn’t stupid; she heard what he wasn’t saying. He had known someone from his new division was going to have to pose as her date and hadn’t wanted to put her in an uncomfortable position of working with a stranger. She appreciated the concern and was more than a little grateful. Though she hadn’t wanted to admit it for fear of being kept from the bust, she had been a little uneasy with the plan. She would have carried out her role no matter who she’d been partnered with but was glad to have a friend by her side. 

He held her hand to steady her as she stepped from the dock onto the deck of the boat and she did the same for him. Raf went to the engine room. He would pilot the boat into position before getting ready to slip unnoticed into the water to board the suspected gunrunner’s boat. Ed went to his high perch at the top of the cabin. He attached his safety strap to the side and pulled a tarp over him to hide his position. He had both his field glasses and his Remy in position and just had to wait for the take down to happen. 

The boat slowly pulled away from the dock and made it’s way a little ways into an open area of the bay before stopping. Wordy opened a cooler and pulled out two bottles of mineral water and offered one to Jules. She accepted the bottle and they settled on the bench along the side of the boat. To keep up appearances Wordy put his arm lightly around Jules’s shoulders in what could look like a romantic gesture but wouldn’t be intrusive. 

“So you aren’t mad are you?” Wordy broached tentatively.

“That your slacking off on putting in my floor? Nah, I can’t blame you for wanting to wear the cool pants again. Even if we technically aren’t in the cool pants right now. You really miss it don’t you?”

Wordy nodded. “Yeah, I do. Don’t get me wrong, there are some things I really like about Guns and Gangs. It’s a little more black and white than working with SRU. I can’t think of a single person I’ve arrested since I transferred that I’ve had any regrets about putting the cuffs on. Sometimes on our hot calls I would put the handcuffs on a person that I really wished I could pin a medal on instead. But I really miss the team itself. The camaraderie just isn’t the same with the new guys. I trust them to have my back at work but I don’t know how quick they would drop everything if I needed a last minute babysitter because Shel and I have to rush Allie to the Emergency Room at midnight because she spiked a fever and had a febrile seizure. Or if I’d even want to invite them over for a cook out.”

He felt her stiffen slightly and inwardly cursed himself. She and Sam had just left a cookout at his house the night her attacker broke in a second time and forced her to kill him to protect herself. The moment lasted only a second before Jules smiled at him. 

“Wordy, you might not think you have that with your new co-workers but I hope you know any of us would drop everything in an instant if you needed us. You’ve certainly proved we can still count on you when we need you. You may hang your hat in a different locker room but you’re still Team One in our hearts.”

Wordy blushed. “I haven’t done that much.”

Jules rolled her eyes because she knew he really didn’t see the things that he’d done for her in the past few weeks as being that much. It was just what family did for each other. “So how is Patches? I bet he’s getting so spoiled by the girls that he won’t ever want to come home.” 

“Don’t count on that.” Wordy chuckled. “I think he hides from them more than anything. I swear yesterday he gave me this look that screamed ’Save me for them’ when I had to gently extract him from Allie’s clutches. She forgets that she can’t squeeze him when she tries to carry him. Queenie is so used to it that it doesn’t bother her anymore but I think Patches will be more than happy to come home. Which shouldn’t be long after this weekend and we get that floor in.”

Jules nodded but didn’t say anything. She wanted to return to her home more than she could express. Especially after the night Sam had shown her. She didn’t know if she’d feel comfortable making love to him in his apartment knowing that not only was Natalie just down the hall but so was Spike. But would she feel comfortable bringing Patches back in the house? She’d been so convinced that the kitten was in danger from Johnny that she couldn’t let go of the fact that now that her attacker was dead she didn’t have to worry again. The threat still seemed real to her and she wasn’t sure how to rid herself of that fear. 

“There’s our boat.” Wordy nodded toward an approaching house boat. Jules nodded slightly. She heard the slight splash that indicated that Raf had slipped into the water and saw the slight movement under the tarp that said Ed was switching from his field glasses to getting into sniper position. Jules toggled the remote control she’d been given for the smoke canister. They had to trigger it now so that by the time the boat was close enough the device would have generated enough smoke to make it appear that the boat was in serious trouble. 

On the dock, the detectives from Guns and Gangs had their own binoculars trained on both boats. The lead detective nodded. “Looks like both boats are taking the bait. Suspects are drawing to a stop next our boats. SRU should be making the take down any minute now.”

“It’ll be nice taking down this gang. They don’t have any idea their foot hold in Toronto is about to end.”

“They’re definitely in for a surprise.” The lead detective agreed.

However it was the detectives who were surprised a moment later when one of the boats under their careful watch exploded without warning.


	54. Chapter 54

Anyone who might have had time to sit and contemplate the events that were taking place in Toronto Bay in the lingering afternoon hours might have wondered what had caused one boat to ram another boat that was already stopped. They might have even questioned how, as bad as the crash had been, it had resulted in such an intense explosion that shattered what remained of both boats and sent debris flying everywhere. They probably, as they reached for cell phones to call 9-1-1, wondered if or how anyone could have survived such a tragedy. 

However, anyone who might have had time to wonder those things didn’t include the detectives standing on the dock. They were too busy scrambling into action to ponder such possibly important questions. The lead detective was on the radio shouting that fire and rescue were needed on the scene ASAP. Another detective had his binoculars trained on the debris littered water searching for signs of life. Other detectives were shedding shoes and water sensitive equipment to jump on waiting jet skies to mount a hopefully not hopeless rescue attempt. 

The officers on the still intact boat further down the bay didn’t have time for such thoughts either. No matter how much they wanted to give in to their fears that teammates, friends, and (in the case of one officer) lover were severally injured and dead. No matter how much this current explosion brought back nightmares of the death of another teammate, worry over the welfare of those on the other boat was a luxury they couldn’t afford. There was still a job to be done. Subjects still needed to be apprehended and guns prevented from making their way to the streets where innocent people could be killed. And given that the call could have cost at least four people their lives, never had it seemed so important to bring someone to justice. 

The second suspect boat sped up as soon as the explosion rocked the marina. As it picked up speed, two men with assault rifles opened fire on the officers. The SRU sniper strapped in on top of the cabin hidden under a tarp lined up his shot. There were three principal targets -- two with guns and one piloting the boat. One, two, three shots and the crisis was over. Now there was time to listen to frantic chatter over the radios about the attempts to rescue any possible survivors of the other boat. Chatter that didn’t reveal any answers either comforting or devastating. 

And just clear of the burning debris, two uninjured survivors of the explosion were treading water as they supported a third semiconscious member of their team between them. They exchanged glances and then looked at the burning debris around them, painfully aware that their fourth member was missing. They both agreed that they couldn’t afford to wait for help to arrive and that it was up to them to find him. They agreed to take turns, one would dive down looking for their missing sniper while the other continued to tread water and support their injured comrade. The first took several deep breaths and slipped below the surface only to come up two minutes later empty handed. They traded off and the second person ducked under the water. The one left above the water could hear the gunfire in the distance and could only hope that his other friends were okay. Time seemed to drag by and he couldn’t tell if his friend had really been underwater as long as it seemed or if time was playing tricks on him. 

After what seemed like way too long, two heads broke the surface. One was unconscious, blood trickling from a head wound and the other breathing hard, taking in much needed breaths. 

“We’ve got to start swimming toward shore. I saw lights underwater, coming from Toronto Island. I think our friends who downgraded our boat to flotsam and jetsam have diving buddies coming to check for survivors. I think they’d reach us before help arrives. I know the dock we left from is pretty far away. You up for the swim?”

“If it means staying alive and getting help for these two I am. But maybe we should head in that direction.” He pointed to a smaller pier that was closer. “We could get there quicker and while our friends who are about to come looking for us won’t be looking there I doubt the unfriendlies would be either. Once we’re out of the water we can call for help.”

“Lead the way.” Then, with a glance back toward the other boat. “Think they’re okay?”

“I hope so. I heard shots being fired in that direction while you were under water. I gotta trust they’re taking care of themselves and trusting us to do the same thing. You know they are going crazy worried about us.”

A tense nod of the head. “Crazy is never good when guns are involved though. They’ve got to keep their head in the game. I know they know that but knowing might be half the battle but it’s the half that sometimes takes a back seat to doing.”

“Someone watched too many G.I. Joe cartoons growing up.” He grumbled as they started swimming toward the pier he‘d pointed out. 

No matter what kind of shape a person is in, swimming while supporting either an unconscious or mostly unconscious person was draining. About halfway to their destination, they had to rest. Treading water once more, they took the momentary break in swimming to check on their injured teammates. Both were now unconscious but it didn’t appear that they had life-threatening injuries. 

“I don’t get it. It was like they knew what we were doing. If they knew it was a sting, why not just change their plans? Why ram our boat and blow it up? I can’t believe they would jeopardize their shipment that way.”

“It was a message.” There was no hesitation in the answer. “I doubt when they search the debris field they’ll find any guns. What better way to convince law enforcement to leave you alone then to viciously take out four of them people in one stunning display of violence? They probably also expected that the other boat would be too distracted with worry about us to concentrate on the other boat. The entire shipment was probably on it.”

“Two problems with that. We didn’t die.”

A grim smile appeared on a tired face. “And Team 1 isn’t going to let anyone get away with hurting their own.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Natalie Braddock went through several channels on the TV before settling on one of those tabloid shows that came on before the news. She hated it when Spike had to work in the evenings. It wasn’t that she felt like she had to have him around for her life to be complete; she’d been too independent for too long for that. But she couldn’t deny that she enjoyed his company. He always knew exactly what to say to make her laugh. 

Plus she knew they were working a major bust tonight. It scared her to think of all the things that could go wrong. She told herself that Spike would be fine. After all, he had Sam with him and her super hero, could do anything except remember to rinse the dishes before he put them in the dishwasher, big brother could and would protect himself, Spike, Jules, and anyone else on the team that needed protecting. 

The kettle on the stove gave the loud whistle that signaled the water was hot enough for the tea she’d decided to make. She left the couch she’d been curled up on and padded barefoot to the kitchen. She filled her mug with the boiling water and absently dunked her tea bag up and down to fully release its flavor into the mug. She was just about to take her drink back to the couch when there was a knock on the door. Leaving her mug on the counter, she crossed the kitchen area and looked through the peephole. She frowned, not recognizing the tall dark haired man on the other side. 

“Who is it?” She asked, hoping she didn’t sound as suspicious and accusatory as she thought she did. After everything that Jules had been going through, she wasn’t about to take chances at opening a door to a stranger. Not that Jules had taken bad chances when she‘d gotten hurt, but still it made one cautious. 

“My name is JD. I just moved in down the hall.”

Nat raised an eyebrow in curiosity. So this was the JD Rhonda couldn’t stop talking about. Looking at him, she could see why Rhonda had fallen for him so hard. He had that tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him. He was just the kind of guy Nat herself might have fallen for if she wasn’t so completely happy with Spike. Not that she’d ever step in once a friend had staked a claim on a guy. She knew, because Rhonda talked waaayyy to much about her personal life, that her friend was cooking dinner for him tonight. So why was he here?”

She eased the door open without slipping the chain. Having a brother and a boyfriend who were cops left her more than a little cautious. “What can I do for you?”

He grinned sheepishly. “I was hoping you could give me a little advice. Rhonda told me you were her best friend.”

Nat closed the door and undid the chain. “You hurt Rhonda and you’ll have me to deal with.” She warned as she let him in the apartment.

“I have no plans to hurt Rhonda.” Johnny assured her. So Golden Boy’s little sister had a feisty side. That could be fun to explore if the need arose. “Actually I’m wanting to do something nice for her. She’s cooking me dinner tonight and I wanted to bring a bottle of wine. I was hoping you could tell me her favorite type.”

“Rhonda’s not picky when it comes to wine. However, if you really wanted to impress her bring the makings for margaritas. I know she’s making Mexican and will think you are just psychic if you do.”

Johnny smiled. Margaritas, huh? That could work. Get the woman drunk so he could slip out early. The only reason he’d agreed to dinner was because the woman didn’t know how to shut up and could be a wealth of information about her neighbors. It was also the reason he was very careful about what he told her. “Thanks.”

 _“We’ve just received word of an explosion in Toronto Bay this evening.”_ Nat looked to the TV as the news broadcast started and the lead story caught her attention, a frown creased both her mouth and forehead. Spike had sent her a text message earlier that their bust would be out on Toronto Bay. She held her hand out for JD not to say anything as she moved closer to the television. _“Details are still sketchy but we know that rescuers are currently searching for four people believed to have been on the boat that exploded. Names are not being released at this time but there’s major speculation that the missing people were all law enforcement personnel involved in a major bust. This is still a breaking story and we’ll bring you more details as they become available.”_

Nat’s eyes widened and her heart rate quickened. Could it be either Sam or Spike? She had to get down there. She looked wildly at JD. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.”

He reached out and touched her arm. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“That explosion. My brother and my boyfriend are there. I’ve got to make sure they are okay.”

Johnny kept his expression completely neutral. “Of course. I hope everything is okay.”

He followed her out of the apartment as she gathered her purse and keys. He waited until she was out of sight before going into his own apartment. Closing and locking his door, he sank to the floor and covered his head with his hands. All traces of neutrality had now disappeared. If Golden Boy and the Italian Stallion-wannabe were at the scene of that explosion that meant that his JAC was there as well. He’d heard the scuttlebutt at work about the drug bust that was supposed to happen tonight. Heard about it but hadn’t paid it too much attention because it wasn’t something he was concerned with. He hadn’t thought it had anything to do with his Jules.

 _Explosion. Missing._ It couldn’t be about his JAC. She had to be okay. Any of the others it didn’t matter; in fact it would work perfectly because she would need comforting if she lost any of her precious teammates, especially Golden Boy. Comforting he’d be only too happy to offer her. Any of the others could die for all he cared but not JAC. Nothing could happen to JAC. Not his beautiful, perfect JAC. His life wouldn’t be worth living if anything happened to her.


	55. Chapter 55

“What the hell is going on here?” Spike demanded as the three SRU officers stood on the deck of their boat. The Guns and Gangs detective who had joined them was on the gunrunner’s boat, having ensured that all the Pisteleros had been taken down and that the gun shipment was secure. The computer/demolitions expert was surprisingly dry; the other boat having opened fire before he could “fall” overboard. “I know why we aren’t hearing Ed, Jules, Raf and Wordy. Their ear pieces would have shorted out in the water, but we’re not even hearing the chatter anymore of the rescue attempts.” 

Greg shook his head. “They’ve switched channels on us. Talking on a channel reserved for Guns and Gangs. They apparently don’t want us distracted.” People who didn’t know him might think he was unaffected by the danger their teammates and friends were in but Spike knew better, knew that it was killing the SRU sergeant both professionally and personally not knowing the fate of the four people on the other boat. 

The only one possibly more affected was Sam. The sniper hadn’t said a word since he threw off the tarp covering him and unclipped himself from his position on top of the cabin. He was standing at the bow, his field glasses trained on the area where the boat had once been. Even his breathing was barely perceptible. 

“Distracted? What are they hoping not to distract us from? We’ve taken out our subjects and secured the boat. We’re sitting here dead in the water until reinforcements arrive to take over so we can get to shore.” Spike winced, realizing his word choice. His voice got small, almost boyish. “They’ve got to be alright, right? I mean we can’t lose them. Not like we lost…” 

Greg reached out and gripped the younger man’s shoulder. “We’ve got to hope for the best. We don’t know what happened; we’re too far away to have seen what really happened. It might not have been as bad as it seems.”

“There’s nothing left of either boat.” Sam spoke at last, his voice not betraying any emotion. “All I can see is just burning pieces of debris. I can’t even see rescue teams looking for them. Just occasional flashes.”

Two speed boats pulled up alongside theirs. Two SIU officers stepped on first. “Which of you made the kill shots?” Sam lowered the field glasses and removed his Remy that he’d shouldered after the situation had been contained. It was the only answer he gave. The SIU officer took it. “If you’ll come with us.” It wasn’t a question.

Greg stepped forward, coming between Sam and the SIU officer. “I get you have a job to do but do you have to do it right now? We’ve got people on that other boat and we don’t know what’s going on with them. You can’t drag him away until we know our people are okay.”

The SIU officer didn’t look fazed. “I’m sorry about your teammates but I can and will conduct my investigation without interference.”

Spike looked to the detectives from Guns and Gangs that had arrived to secure the boat. “Come on guys, you got to know what’s going on over there. Fill us in.”

The two detectives exchanged glances, their expressions grim. “Search and Recovery has been delayed. We tried to get people out as soon as we could but we had to turn back when we started encountering mini explosions under the water. Waiting on another SRU team to arrive on scene to look for explosive charges in the water before we can continue.”

The three members of Team One exchanged muted glances. Search and Recovery not Search and Rescue meant they weren’t holding out hopes for survivors. Spike shook his head. “The hell with waiting for Team Four to arrive. Get me over there. I can see what we’re dealing with and guide rescue teams safely to the site.”

The detectives shrugged noncommittally. “You’ll have to take that up with Detective Aspen; he’s the lead detective. We’re here to secure this scene and start cataloging the guns. You can take the speedboat back to the dock.”

Spike was ready to jump in the boat right away but he stopped when he noticed that Greg and the SIU detective were still locked in a stare down with Sam looking completely stoic to those who didn’t know him but absolutely stricken by those who did. Spike frowned.

“Come on, we all get SIU has a job to do but do you have to be an ass about it right now? Sam did his job; you’re going to clear him; why not at least let him work the rescue? You don’t have to take him in for debriefing until the call is over. The way I see it, the call isn’t over as long as we have people missing.”

The SIU detective didn’t break his eye contact with Greg. “If you and your people are going to impede our investigation, we can take all three of you in.”

“Sarge, it’s okay. I’ll go with them, answer their questions so I’m cleared and that way it’ll be over by the time you rescue the others.” Again, only Sarge and Spike who knew him so well could detect the effort it was taking for him to say what he was saying and what he wasn’t saying. Rescue Jules. At least this way, once Jules was safe he wouldn’t have to leave her side again.

Greg nodded. “Keep your cell phone with you. I’ll call you the minute we find them.” The look he gave the SIU detective dared the man to object or contradict. “And we’re going to find them, Buddy.”

Sam nodded. He didn’t say so out loud because they wouldn’t understand and would humor him. Jules was alive. It wasn’t a belief so much as steadfast knowledge, despite what his eyes seemed to be telling him. He knew she was alive because his heart was still beating in his own chest. There was a certainty in him that he couldn’t put into words that if she had died out there on that exploding boat, then there was no way he would still be standing alive either. “Just promise you’ll explain why I’m not there; that it wasn’t my decision.”

Greg promised. Sam followed the SIU officer down the ladder to the speedboat. Once it pulled off and was racing across the bay toward the dock, Greg followed Spike down the ladder. The detective that had been with them stayed behind to help with the cataloging of the guns so it was just Spike and Greg who sped back toward the dock behind the other speedboat. 

Spike shook his head. “Boss, this is bad. You know and I know it. It’s been at least twenty to thirty minutes since the explosion. If they’re injured…”

“I know Spike, I know.” Greg assured him.

“So why am I heading toward the deck and not the wreckage?” 

“Because you know like I know that we won’t do any of them any good if we get hurt going to their rescue. We’ll get to shore, see what’s being done and help where we can.”

Spike nodded. “And if Detective Aspen says we can’t do anything?”

“Then we do what we have to do to get our people back.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Is it just me or is the water getting damn cold?” Wordy complained. It felt like they’d been swimming for forever without getting any closer to the dock they were swimming toward. It reminded him of those dreams he believed everyone had on occasion, dreams where you are walking down a hall and it seemed like the hall went on forever.

He was a fair swimmer; but the most practice he’d gotten in a long while was playing with his girls when they went swimming. That didn’t require long distances or pulling along an almost 200 lb. man. He could only imagine that it was worse for Jules, who was smaller and had the bigger man in tow and was still recovering from her injuries in the attack. Not that Jules would ever complain or admit to having difficulties. 

Behind them there was another mini explosion, about the tenth since they’d started toward the dock. Jules had postulated that the gunrunner divers she’d seen while freeing Ed had probably set some charges in the water to scare off any rescue attempts. She and Wordy were far enough away that they weren’t in any immediate danger from the mini explosions but each one created waves in the water that made it harder to swim through. 

Jules pulled an unconscious Ed closer to her so that she could cover his mouth and nose in response to the waves she knew were about to at least temporarily pull her under. She held her breath as the water closed over her and fought against the urge to panic as the water closed over head and tried to suck her back toward the wreckage she’d left. Instead, she kicked harder to keep her forward momentum until the waves returned to normal. 

“It’s not just you. Not sure that the water’s gotten colder or if it’s just the shock we’re both feeling. At least Raf has the wet suit that will insulate him from the cold. I bet you’re wishing you were at my house putting in flooring right about now.”

“I always thought I’d pay heavily if I ever cheated on Shell, I just never thought it would happen for an undercover date with a friend. No offense, from now on, Sam can take you on all your dates. I’m used to a little more tame affair when I take Shelley out.”

Jules thought about the date she’d had with Sam the night before. The romantic dinner, the smores in the hotel room, the slow seductive game of touches and massages, their lovemaking. She wasn’t sure she’d call dates with Sam tame but at least they didn’t leave her stranded in the middle of Toronto Bay. “I won’t take offense if you won’t when I say at least when Sam’s dates blow me away I’m not meaning literally.”

Wordy shook his head. “Are we seriously trading jokes while swimming away from the remains of the boat that blew up just after we jumped away? Damn, I miss SRU. You saved our lives you know. If you hadn’t realized the boat was aiming straight at us and hadn’t seen the pilot jump clear of the boat, we’d probably all be dead right now.”

Never comfortable hearing her praises sung, Jules shrugged off Wordy’s statement. “Yeah, well, let’s just say I’m tired of being the patient in an ER. I think with a third visit in less that two weeks I’d win a set of steak knives.”

“Shelley’s been complaining that we need a new set of those. I think we both know no matter what Sarge won’t let any of us get out of a trip to be checked out. If you do get that steak knives set, you could always give it to me.”

Jules chuckled, hitching her arm up higher around Ed’s chest. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Wordy glanced back toward the wreckage. “Does it surprise you that we haven’t seen rescuers in the water?”

Jules turned over on her back to float for a moment to catch her breath. “Not really. Not with those charges going off. They can’t risk it. Which would really suck for us if we were seriously injured right now.”

“Any suggestions on how we’re going to handle getting these two up the ladder at the dock? Dragging their unconscious asses through the water is one thing but I can’t see either of us having an easy time heaving them up the ladder.”

Jules nodded although she knew he wouldn’t like her idea. “Yep, when we get to the dock, we’ll unhook Ed’s safety line and use it to clip me into the ladder. Then I’ll support both Raf and Ed while you go for help. We shouldn’t try to move either of them any more than we have to.”

Wordy frowned. “Why me go for help? Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to support both their weights while you go for help?”

“We need help and we needed it twenty minutes ago. That means we need to get our location to the rescue teams already at the Harbour. You know your department has probably taken lead on the investigation. You know the names and frequencies that will get you directly to the ones in charge. You could get on the first boat you come to and use the radio to directly connect to your team. You know it’s the best plan.”

He wasn’t sure he could admit that but he knew enough that he wouldn’t convince her otherwise. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally reached the dock. Wordy had hoped there would be people standing on the docks that could be pressed into service to help them. But the dock was empty. He guess he really shouldn’t be surprised. Probably anyone who would have ordinarily been on this particular dock had left to get closer to the real action. 

It took both of them to unhook Ed’s safety line and use it to secure Jules in place at the ladder. Feeling like he was abandoning her even though he knew he was just going for help, Wordy transferred Raf’s unconscious weight to Jules. After making sure her burdens weren’t going to be too much, he looked at her. 

“I’m calling for help and then I’m coming back.”

Jules nodded, her head just barely staying above the water with the increased weight despite the safety line. “I know. It’ll be fine, Wordy. Go. We’ve got to get Ed and Raf medical attention.”

Before he could talk himself out of the plan, Wordy quickly ascended the ladder. On the dock he glanced at the different boats looking for a certain type of radio antennae. Not every boat would be equipped with the kind of radio that could pick up the frequency he’d need to radio directly to Detective Aspen. Finding one that looked like it would work, he jumped on board the empty boat and went straight to the radio. He turned the radio to the correct frequency, one that would be hard for someone to accidentally come across even with a fancy radio. His hands were shaking but this time he could blame the shock and the cold instead of his Parkinson’s. He keyed the microphone.

“Priority call for Detective Aspen from Detective Wordsworth.”

_“Wordsworth, that really you? I was beginning to think you were sleeping on the job. What‘s your status and location?”_

Luckily there had been as sign with the pier’s number at the top of the ladder. He related his location and then added. “We’re alive sir, but we’ve got two injured in need of EMS. Constables Lane and Rousseau have been unconscious since the explosion.”

_“Routing them your way. We should be there in less than five. Sgt. Parker wants to know about Constable Callaghan.”_

“Uninjured. She’s with Constables Lane and Rouseau in the water.”

_“Copy that. On our way.”_

Wordy changed the radio frequency and turned off the radio. He raced back down the pier to where he left Jules. He started down the ladder again but Jules stopped him.

“Wordy, seriously stay up there. You’ll need to be where you can direct EMS to us. We’re fine for now.”

“Sarge asked about you.” Wordy assured her, knowing she’d take that to mean, as he had, that things had gone well on the other boat. “I’m sure Sam will beat the rest of them here.”

There was a clattering at the ladder followed by, “Shit. Ed, it’s okay. Calm down. Wordy, on second thought I need you.”

Without hesitation, Wordy jumped back in the water, not bothering to take the ladder. As he broke the surface he could see the problem. Ed was regaining consciousness, enough to struggle but not cognizant enough to listen when she assured him they were okay. Even with the safety strap, Jules kept bobbing under the surface as she struggled with Ed trying to pull out of her grasp while still trying to hold on to the still unconscious Raf at the same time. Wordy reached out to take Ed but Jules shook her head.

“Take Raf. I’m strapped into the ladder. Ed can’t pull me completely under the way he could you.”

It seemed wrong to leave her with their combatant friend but Wordy recognized the wisdom of her words and relieved her of half her burden. He watched almost helplessly as she hooked one arm and he presumed one leg through the rungs of the ladder for extra support before using both her arms and legs to lock around Ed’s body. This made it easier to control his ineffectual struggles. 

As he listened to her mutter reassurances to their injured friend, Wordy kept casting glances toward the end of the pier, silently urging the rescue teams to hurry. It still seemed to Wordy that it took forever before he heard the sirens getting closer. Longer still until footsteps came pounding down the pier toward him. Then everything happened quickly. Two men in dive suits jumped in the water and a rescue basket was lowered to them. 

Since Raf was the unconscious patient, the rescuers went to him first. Expertly they transferred the unconscious man from Wordy’s arms into the basket. As they secured the straps, one of the divers instructed the former SRU officer turn Guns and Gangs detective to climb up the ladder. Wordy stopped at Jules’s side to make sure she was okay. He wanted to offer once again to take her place but didn’t. She wouldn’t accept and it would just start to piss her off. Still he hated to see the way she was fighting not to let her teeth chatter with the cold. Instead, he assured her it wouldn’t be much longer and ascended the ladder. 

Once back on the dock, a medic wrapped a large blanket around Wordy and tried to lead him away to be checked out. He shook his head refusing to go until the rest of his friends were safe. Greg approached his former teammate and gave him a concerned and relieved hug. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

Wordy nodded. “Thanks to Jules. She was incredible Boss.” The familiar moniker fell off his lips so easily, as if no time had passed since he‘d been on Team One. “She realized it was a trap and that it was dangerous. She dragged me to the other side of the boat and yelled at Ed as well. I don’t know what happened, he must not have been able to unclip in time. Raf was in the water so he didn’t hear the warning. But Jules and I were able to jump free before the boat rammed us.” 

He looked around and frowned. “Where’re Sam and Spike?”

“Spike was with one rescue team in a boat near the explosion site when you radioed in. He was locating the mini depth charges so the rescue team could find the four of you. Should have known you wouldn’t just sit around waiting to be rescued. That’s probably them coming up now.” Greg explained pointing out a small boat racing toward the dock. 

The rescue basked was lifted over the edge of the dock and medics swiftly yet carefully lifted Raf from the basket so it could be sent back to lift Ed out. Greg left Wordy’s side to kneel down close to his injured teammate, making sure to stay out of the way of the medics as they worked.

“He was semiconscious when we pulled him up.” Wordy explained. “Then he passed out while we were swimming here. Is he okay?”

“Pupils equal and reactive to light although a little sluggish. Pulse and heart rate are strong. We’ll know more once we get him to the hospital but I’d say you probably saved his life.” One of the medics assured him. 

At the first sign of a brown head ascending the ladder, Greg grabbed another blanket from a medic and was standing there to wrap Jules in its warmth as soon as she stepped on the deck. Her small body was shaking as he hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. Not wanting to release her, he glanced down at her and posed the same question he’d asked Wordy.

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

She nodded against his chest. “Yeah, sure.” Then she pulled back and raised an eyebrow. “You changed clothes.”

Greg chuckled. “Yeah, well the cool pants and uniform shirt gets me in more places than my fishing gear.”

“Smells better too.” She glanced back to the direction of the boat with a frown. “They knew we were coming, Sarge. It was a trap for us. They were watching us with binoculars; I saw the sun glint off them.”

He looked down at her, his pride obvious. “Wordy says we have you to thank that you’re all alive.”

“Just doing my job.” Jules shrugged off the praise. The rescue basket carrying Ed appeared over the edge and conversation ended as they checked on their teammate. He’d almost completely regained consciousness but wasn’t fully coherent. 

Given the amount of time the two men had been unconscious and the extended stay in the water, the medics wasted no time transferring both patients to stretchers and prepared to transport to the emergency room. Following them down the pier, Greg insisted that the medics from a second ambulance check out Wordy and Jules as well. 

Knowing it was useless to protest, Jules allowed Greg to lead her and Wordy both to the back of the ambulance. She was looking around expecting to see Sam running up at any moment. She wanted to ask Greg where he was but the medic kneeling in front of her checking her vision and vitals kept her from her important questions. Jules forced herself to concentrate on the medics questions knowing that her answers could mean the difference between another visit to the ER and being declared fit. When she heard footsteps running in their direction, she looked up expecting to see Sam. It was Spike and his relief to see that they were okay was evident in his expression. 

With a frown, Jules looked from Greg to Spike. “Where’s Sam?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Explain what had happened for the fifteenth thousand time. Check. Glance at the phone to see if Sarge had called. Check. Swallow back the fear that no news might not mean good news in this instance. Check. Remember that hitting the SIU detective wouldn’t get him out of the interrogation room any quicker and would problem only delay him even longer. No internal answer. Sigh. Remember that hitting the SIU detective would be a bad career move and wouldn’t help Jules. Sigh. Jaw twitch. Fine. Check and freaking double check. Repeat for the fifteenth thousand and one time.

Sam sat on one side of the table, his mantra going on in his head the only thing keeping him from unleashing all the pent up emotion he’d been holding back since the explosion had threatened the person most important to him. He should still be out there on that dock helping with the rescue attempts. There so that as soon as she was found he could crush her to his chest and vow to never let her go. It was too much after everything else she’d been through. When had the world decided that it was Pick on Jules month? 

“Okay, Constable Braddock, I think we have enough for our investigation. We appreciate your cooperation.”

Sam resisted the urge to snort. Cooperation. Right, like he’d had a choice in the matter. If it had been left up to Sam, the SIU detective would have known just how uncooperative he could actually be. Would have told him exactly what he could do with his investigation. Would have explained that he wasn’t stepping foot one away from the Harbour until Jules was at his side. Would have ignored any command that said that the water in the area wasn’t safe and swan out to the debris field if he had to in order to find her. 

But it hadn’t been left up to him. He couldn’t have protested because even though he and Jules had been given the green light to remain on the same team and still date, he knew --was always aware-- that they were constantly under a microscope. In the field they had to maintain professionalism even if it killed him. He couldn’t deny that waiting with only the inner conviction that Jules was alive to go on was coming very close to doing just that.

Standing up from the table without a word, he ploughed past the SIU detective already dialing Sarge’s cell number. The fact that Greg hadn’t called didn’t bode well for him. Every minute that passed without finding her and the others meant it was one more minute Jules was out in that water going through God knew what. Or had they found the team and Greg didn’t want to give him bad news while Sam was in the middle of a SIU investigation? The call went straight to voice mail.

“Sarge, Sam. SIU is finally finished with me and I’m coming back to the harbour. I could really use an update. Call me.”

He was so intent on his one-sided conversation that he didn’t see the familiar figure huddled within a blanket sitting in the chairs outside the interrogation. He didn’t see the slight smile grace her tired face or see her rise out of her seat, letting the blanket slip from her still wet body. Wasn’t aware of anything until a single word stopped him in his tracks.

“Sam.”

He closed his eyes and prayed that it wasn’t some sort of cruel joke. Turning around, his heart began to hammer in his chest as he drank in her sight. And what a sight she was. Her brown hair drying in clumps around her face. Her clothes wet and covered with soot and one sleeve smeared with dried blood. Her face tired but without any signs of new injury. Most definitely the most beautiful sight he’d seen all day. 

She offered him a wan smile. “I know Sarge said he’d call you but I told him you wouldn’t be really satisfied until you saw for your own eyes that I’m okay. And I am okay. Cleared by medics and everything without the need to go to the ER.”

He knew he should ask about Ed, Raf and Wordy and he would. Later. Without missing a beat he closed the distance between them and swept her up in his arms crushing her to him. He didn’t care who was watching or what anyone might say. With one hand on the back of her head, he lowered his head, his lips seeking hers. Anticipating the move, Jules parted her lips just as his mouth collided with hers. The kiss was searing, deep, and desperate. Him letting her know in no uncertain terms how much he loved her and her breathing life back into his tortured soul.


	56. Chapter 56

The kiss lingered much longer than was publicly or professionally appropriate but neither Jules nor Sam cared at the moment. Sam deepened and extended the kiss, pressing her to him and clinging to her in a physical way much as he had been holding on to the steadfast hope that she was okay. He needed her touch, her scent, her taste, her everything more than he needed oxygen to breathe at the moment. If he held her more tightly than he had the last couple of weeks, if the kiss was more demanding and possessive than the ones he’d given her since the attack, he’d have to ask forgiveness later for not being able to control himself. 

For her part, Jules willing surrendered to his needs, sensing the urgency and desperation in not only the way he was kissing her but in the very way he was holding her. She couldn’t imagine what it had been like for him, not knowing what had happened or what condition she was in, but given his reaction to seeing her it must have been just as horrible if not worse than swimming the bay with Ed‘s unconscious body in tow. So she didn’t think twice about giving him what he seemed to need from her at the moment. He had been her pillar of strength for so long, she willingly embraced this moment to be the strong one. To be the one for the moment giving back instead of taking what he also so willingly gave. 

They were both breathing hard by the time he was able break off the kiss. He rested his head against her forehead, looking into her eyes. “You’re okay? Really medically cleared by someone qualified to do so? Not just escaping a trip to the ER because you intimidated the hell out of the medic checking you out?”

She grinned, not taking offense at his doubt. They were all guilty of ignoring the advice of medical personnel by pushing their own well-being aside for the sake of the job. She had been known to take that stubbornness to an art form. “Positive. Sarge wasn’t about to let me even try. I think if I had so much as sneezed, Sarge would have over-ruled the medic’s assurance and insisted that I go to the ER. I’m wet and cold from spending all that time in the water and I’m tired as hell but I wasn’t hurt. But as much as I would love for you to take me to your apartment and put me to bed, we need to go to the ER.”

Sam frowned. “ER? But you said…”

Jules nodded. “I’m fine and Wordy’s fine but both Ed and Raf were injured. Nothing that appears to be life threatening but still I think we need to be there with the rest of the team to check on them.”

Sam nodded, stepping away from her long enough to pick up the blanket she’d discarded when she stood up to greet him. He wrapped it around her tightly and pulled her close to him again. “Of course we need to. Do you want to go upstairs so you can change first? Maybe get a hot shower?”

She shook her head. “Somehow the idea of even a hot shower doesn’t sound appealing right now after swimming the bay. I did run up to our locker rooms and get our stuff so we wouldn’t have to come back later; I could have taken the time to change then I guess but I didn‘t want to risk missing you. Let’s just head on to the hospital and check on Ed and Raf.”

“Copy that.” He kept an arm around her as they made their way to the elevator. He knew she really was tired when she didn’t suggest they take the stairs. As the car made its slow descent, Jules leaned against him as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He wanted to ask her what had happened, needed to know just how things had been out there in the bay. And he would ask her later. Right now he just needed to be secure in the idea that she hadn’t been hurt. He was worried about his other teammates but at the same time couldn’t help but feel selfishly grateful that it wasn’t Jules who was once more facing injuries. He could only hope that at the end of the day he could be forgiven for that weakness. 

The elevator opened and Sam kept one hand around her waist as they walked across the lobby to the exit. He was reaching to open the door when someone coming in from the other side opened it for him, holding it so they could come out before he came in. Sam was about to say thanks when Jules’s gasp suddenly made him realize who it was. Sam’s eyes narrowed at Johnny Dawson. They’d been fortunate not to have had to deal with him in person since Sarge had insisted that Jules’s uncle be placed on the night shift. 

The older man’s eyes lit up when he recognized them. “JAC, I’m glad to see you. I saw the news earlier and hoped you weren’t one of the officers involved in what was going on at the harbour. I was so worried. I even came in to work early so I could make sure you were okay. I couldn’t stand the idea of something bad happening to you.”

He reached out and lightly touched the bruised side of Jules’s face. She jerked her head away as if his very touch burned her. Sam released his hold on Jules, ready to step between her and Dawson. Ready to pour out all the pent up worry and frustration that had built up in him after the explosion in one good punch to the man’s jaw. Give him a bruise to match the fading one around his eye from where James had punched him the night Jules had been drugged and assaulted. But it was Jules who stepped forward, trying to appear unaffected despite the way she‘d flinched. Sam wished he could see the fire he knew had to be flashing in her eyes as he recognized her stance. This was Badass Jules at her best, the pose that could cower the strongest and most fearless of individuals. The stance that had made him back down a time or two during an argument himself. 

“Can’t stand the idea of something bad happening to me? Like stealing my innocence wasn’t bad? Like gutting a poor defenseless cat wasn’t bad? Like killing my mother wasn’t bad? Like telling my father lies about what happened so that he collapsed with a heart attack wasn’t bad? Don’t stand the hell there and tell me you care about me because some of the very worst things that have happened to me are things you caused.”

The look of shock on Johnny’s face seemed genuine. “I never hurt you Little JAC. Everything I ever did was because I love you and wanted to protect you. And what did I get for that? I’ve spent twenty years paying my debt to society.”

Jules squared her shoulders and narrowed her eyes. “Paying your debt to society? Screw society. I don’t care how many years pass you could never make what you did right to me or to my family. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. You don’t matter. For every bad and painful thing you did to me, Sam is showing me what great and healing power his love has. He’s erasing all the fears your actions created in me. So screw you and you’re so-called concern for me. I don’t want or need it. Now, if you will get the hell out of my way I have some place I have to be.”

Without another word, Jules pushed past Johnny and led the way to her jeep. Sam followed on her heels. He held the door open for her and waited as she struggled with shaky hands to fasten her seatbelt. Finally, he reached over and fastened it for her and kissed her, hoping it would have some of that healing power she‘d claimed it to have. Then, making sure her legs were clear, he closed the door and went to the driver’s side. Once they were headed toward the hospital, he glanced over at her. 

“You never cease to amaze me with how strong you are. I don’t want to hear you doubt yourself any more. Anyone who can stand up to the person who hurt you the way you just did has more strength than anyone I know.”

She shuddered. “I don’t know, Sam. I can stand there and say all sorts of things but I’m not sure that really means anything. I feel like I can’t trust my judgment. My head tells me the guy I killed was the one who attacked me. My head knows its over and I can put it past me but my body isn’t so sure. I know it’s crazy but he touched my cheek and I was transported right back to lying on the floor between the couch and coffee table. I couldn’t see who was hurting me but I was so sure it was Johnny.”

Sam frowned. They had all been so sure it had been Johnny who had drugged and assaulted her, even with his alibi. Had the guy not broken into the attic and tried to hurt her again using the same drug, they probably would still be investigating Dawson. The former inmate wouldn’t have been able to move without someone on his back watching his every move. Hearing her voice even a little doubt as to his innocence brought back his own fears. “Jules…”

“Sam, please.” She sounded completely worn out. “I don’t want to talk about Johnny. I don’t waste breath or time or thoughts or anything on him. I just want to make sure Ed and Raf are okay and then go back to your apartment and let you tuck me in and hold me until I feel warm again and fall asleep. Please?”

Though his thoughts were all in a tumult, Sam couldn’t deny her anything she wanted. “Okay.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Greg Parker wearily made his way back to the waiting room. He knew the rest of his team would be anxious for word about their injured friends. The hospital staff had only allowed one person to go back for each of the patients and while Sophie had obviously been the one to sit with Ed as the doctor examined him, Greg had been the one to wait with Raf. 

He took a moment to survey his remaining team before they noticed his return. Spike was sitting next to Natalie. Spike had been surprised as they made their way to their vehicles to see that his girlfriend and Sam’s sister had shown up at the dock frantic with worry about him. She’d been the one to drop Jules off oat HQ to wait for Sam before coming to sit with Spike in the waiting room. Sitting in one of the chairs almost perpendicular to Spike was Wordy. The former SRU constable looked completely wiped out, his head in his hands as he fought to stay awake. Greg wondered if Wordy had called Shelley to tell her what had happened or if he planned on waiting until his wife and daughters returned from their out-of-town trip to fill her in. He was pleased to see a third leg of the triangle of chairs now held Sam and Jules. Their arrival meant that SIU had finished questioning Sam about the shooting and that the young man’s misery and worry had been abated by seeing that Jules was in fact okay. He shook his head as he noticed that Jules had somehow managed to curl herself into almost a ball in the hard plastic chair and had fallen asleep using Sam’s chest as a pillow, the blanket Greg had snagged from the medic still wrapped around her. Sam’s arm was around her body lightly rubbing her arms as he listened to Nat and Spike chatting quietly. 

Spike noticed him first. “Hey Boss, how are Ed and Raf?”

“Ed’s got a nasty cut on his forehead and a slight concussion. The doctor stitched him up and wants to keep him overnight for observation. A suggestion Ed insists isn’t necessary. Right now he and Sophie are ‘discussing’ the matter. So unless I’m mistaken, I think Ed will be spending the night here. Wordy, he would like to see both you and Sleeping Beauty over there to make sure you’re both really as all right as he was told.”

“And Raf?” Sam probed sensing Greg was avoiding that topic. 

“He’ll make a full recovery but his stay in the hospital will be longer. His concussion is a little more severe than Eddie’s, probably because he was underwater at the time and he got the full concussive force of the blast. He’s been in an out of consciousness since he’s been here but the doctors aren’t too worried about that. Said it’s not unusual given what happened and that by morning Raf should be fully conscious and alert. To be on the safe side, he’s going to run a few scans of his head to rule out anything major but again it’s just a formality. The important thing is that they are both alive and expected to make a full recovery, thanks to Wordy and Jules”

At the sound of her name, Jules stirred, blinking her eyes and not even lifting her head to look at Greg. “S’ry. Whatzit?” Then her eyes closed once again and she was back to sleep. Sam moved his hand up to run his fingers through her hair. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her this tired before. After Jules had fallen asleep against him, he’d listened as Spike and Wordy had filled him in on what had happened in the bay. No wonder both Wordy and Jules were worn out. 

As if sensing that she was being watched, Jules once again opened her eyes and sat up, surreptitiously making sure she hadn’t drooled or anything else embarrassing. Then she slowly uncurled herself from the ball she’d crammed herself into, wincing at the kinks she’d managed to put into her back. She hoped when they got back to the apartment she could convince Sam to give her a good back rub. She was pretty sure she could but wasn’t sure she’d stay awake long enough to enjoy it.

As Greg gave her a private update on the information he’d just given the others, Natalie’s cell phone rang. She excused herself so that she take the call. Greg looked at each of his teammates. 

“Okay team, there’s not much more we can do here tonight. What with two men injured, chief switched the schedule around at least for tomorrow. Team 2 will cover our shift and we’ll figure out the rest of the time Raf and Eddie will have to be out tomorrow. I know you all want to see them both for a few minutes but then after that go home, get a good night’s sleep and come back tomorrow.”

Spike looked at Wordy. “Nat and I can give you a ride home if you want.”

Wordy smiled his thanks. “Just a drop off at HQ would be good. Got to get my stuff out of my locker and then I can drive home.”

Spike shook his head. “That’s not happening. I wouldn’t let you behind the wheel of a car any more than I would Jules right now. Nat and I’ll take you to HQ, let you get your stuff then I’ll drive your car home and she can follow. Don’t argue, Buddy; you know you wouldn’t let me drive if the situation was reversed.”

Jules snorted. “That’s because we try not to let you drive period.”

“That wounds me; it really does.” Spike argued, but his easy smile showed he wasn’t really hurt. Nat returned with a frown. 

“Why do guys have to be such assholes?” Natalie groused as she returned to the group. The men all exchanged looks, knowing this was one of those no answer would be right moments. Jules rolled her eyes at their cowardice. 

“What’s wrong, Nat?”

“That was Rhonda.” Sam’s sister explained. “She’s been so excited because she was cooking dinner for the new guy down the hall. Well, he calls her just before it was time for him to come to say something came up and he wasn’t going to make it. Said he was called into work at the last minute and that he was really sorry. She’s devastated. Thought they really had made a connection. I thought so too cause he came by the apartment earlier checking to see what he should get to take.”

Spike shrugged. He couldn’t understand what any guy would see in Rhonda but he wasn’t about to say that out loud. “So maybe he really did get called into work. It sucks but there have been a couple of times that I had to cancel on plans with you at the last minute because of work. Before she thinks it’s the end, she should wait and see how he makes it up to her. That’s the important part.”

Jules yawned, her mouth opening so much that her jaw audibly popped. Sam rubbed her shoulder. “Come on, Michael Phelps, let’s go check on Ed and Raf before you fall asleep again.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
_You don’t matter. For every bad and painful thing you did to me, Sam is showing me what great and healing power his love has. So screw you and you’re so-called concern for me._

Johnny Dawson angrily shoved the mop into the bucket not caring if the water sloshed over the side and made a bigger mess for him to clean up. JAC’s words cut him to the quick. She couldn’t mean it. She had to have been saying those things since Golden Boy was standing there. Of course he mattered. After all, a girl never forgot her first love, wasn’t that what they all said? 

He snorted. Like Golden Boy was something special. There was no way that pretty boy could even have a clue as to how to please her. Standing there behind his beautiful JAC acting like he wanted to bust him in the chops. Didn’t Braddock know he was the interloper here? A temporary bed warmer until JAC realized there was only one person who could truly love her the way she should be loved? 

He’d been so careful so far in his attempts to get back what he’d lost. Covered his tracks, thrown suspicions off of himself, made sure none of his attempts to be close to her could be traced back to him. Loved her from a distance. Watched in silent disgust as she allowed Golden Boy to paw her and fawn over her while acting like she enjoyed the attention the little shit showed her. Listening to her lie that he didn’t matter. 

Maybe he’d been too careful. Maybe all his attempts to lay low had made her think he didn’t care about her any more. Maybe she was hurting him because she thought he’d gone back on his promise that they’d be together. 

He sloshed the mop along the floor contemplating his next move. Before JAC would admit that her heart belonged to him, he’d have to convince her that she didn’t belong with Golden Boy. Had to do something that would send her running into his arms. While the idea of hurting the bastard who thought he had a right to hold and kiss and touch his JAC would be infinitely satisfying, there was a better way to break them up. 

Looking around to make sure no one was paying him any attention, he pushed the mop bucket out of the way and reached for his cell phone.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“You awake or should I carry you up to the apartment?” Sam asked softly as he pulled into a parking space in the garage of his apartment building.

“No.” Jules mumbled drowsily. 

Sam grinned. “No, you’re not awake or no, I shouldn’t carry you up to the apartment?”

“Both.” She made no move to unfasten her seat belt. With a shake of his head, Sam got out of the jeep and went around to her side. Opening the door, he reached in and released the seat belt. He brushed her now finally dried hair from her face and then caressed her cheek. 

“I don’t think you want to sleep in the vehicle all night. Let’s get you upstairs and into bed.”

She turned her head to look at him, her expression serious. “Sam, do you believe in jinxes?”

He wasn’t sure where she was going with this but he shook his head. “Pretty sure I don’t, Sweetheart. Why?”

“Seems like for every good thing that happens something bad follows. Our trip to Milton got interrupted when my dad has his heart attack. I start to feel like I’m making progress getting back what I lost from my teenage years and I’m knocked right back down with another assault. You take me on the sweetest teenage date and the next night Patches nearly dies. We relax and enjoy a night out with Wordy’s family and I get the shit beat out of me. Now last night you give me the most romantic night of my life and today I’m nearly blown up. Sounds pretty jinxy to me.”

Sam frowned. He didn’t believe in jinxes but remembered thinking someone had decided it was Pick on Jules month earlier. “You aren’t jinxed, Jules. Incredibly bad timing, definitely. Don’t start thinking that every good thing that happens with us is going to be followed by something bad. Okay?”

Jules nodded, too tired to even argue about it. She got out of the jeep and let him guide her toward the elevators. Once inside the apartment, Sam closed and locked the door. He turned her toward him and wrapped his arms around her pulling her close once again. “You want that hot shower now? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you are still shivering under that blanket.”

Jules rested her head against his chest. “It does actually sound appealing. I just don’t know if I have the energy to do so.” 

“Then I’ll help you.” Sam promised, his voice a little husky. He’d heard Spike and Natalie’s plans before they left the hospital. After they got Wordy settled at home, they were going to go grab a bite to eat. It would probably be a couple of hours before they got home. 

He led her to the bathroom and dropped her blanket to the floor where it might come in handy later. He turned on the water to the shower so the temperature would be heating up as he slowly undressed first her and then himself. He guided her into the shower and held her close as the hot spray cascaded over them. She turned in his arms so that she was facing him and the water could hit her sore muscles. As if he knew where she was hurting, his hand trailed down her back and began to work at the kinks that had formed as she curled into a ball in the waiting room chairs. His head lowered and his mouth once more found hers. 

After about ten minutes, she leaned heavily against him as if her legs didn’t want to support her. Sam wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion or the power of his kisses, but he reached out and turned off the water. He dried them off and wrapped a towel around his waist. He retrieved the blanket from the floor and wrapped it around Jules’s bare body before picking her up in his arms. Opening the bathroom door, he listened carefully to make sure Natalie and Spike hadn’t come in before stepping out into the hallway and carrying Jules to the bedroom, closed and locked the door behind them, and depositing her gently on the bed after pulling the covers back. It was only then that he realized she was crying. 

He frowned as he brushed them away. “Jules, Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“There were so many times tonight that I was scared that we weren’t going to make it. Afraid that I was going to die, afraid that something equally bad was happening with your boat and that you were going to be hurt or killed, afraid that I wouldn’t get another chance to tell you how much I love you.” 

He laid down beside her and covered her with his body. He understood those fears all too well because in the back of his mind despite all his beliefs that she was okay, he’d had many of those same fears. He kissed her much like he’d kissed her when he first saw her waiting for him in the hallway after the SIU interview. His tongue making desperate explorations of her mouth before traveling to the nape of her neck. He could feel his arousal, stronger maybe than any he’d ever experienced with her. He knew she could feel the effects of it pressing against her thigh. 

She was practically panting in his ear as he suckled lightly on her neck. Her short fingernails dug into his back. “Sam, as cold and as tired and as scared as I was out there tonight, my mind kept replaying last night and how perfect and romantic it was. I was glad that we had that if it was going to be the last time we made love. But what kept me going when it would have been so tempting to give up, was the knowledge that I wanted even more from you, from us.” 

Sam reached toward the nightstand, glad that they’d had time to come home after their night at the Royal York before going to work. Glad that he’d put his new supply of condoms in the drawer. Never breaking off his kisses, he opened the foil package and slipped the condom on. 

He stopped his kisses for just a second as he pressed against her entrance. “If this isn’t what you want, it’s okay. Just tell me and it won’t go any further than kisses and me holding you.”

“I don’t want to make love to you.” Jules admitted quietly. 

Sam nodded. Of course she didn’t. She was exhausted and drained from everything that had happened. What was he thinking? “It’s okay. We don’t have to…”

Her fingernails left his back to cup his face making sure he was looking right at her. “I don’t want to make love to you. Tonight I need to make love to you. I need to feel you inside me reminding me that we’re both alive and that we didn’t lose anything.”

And in case he had any doubts, she wrapped her legs around his waste locking him into position. For a moment, her exhaustion was pushed to the side as she concentrated on a need greater than sleep. Her next words also erased any doubts he might have. “Make love to me, Sam.”

And he did.


	57. Chapter 57

Waking had not been friendly to Raf during the night. It seemed like every time his eyes fluttered open it was accompanied by pain. A painful throb in his head that became a demanding pound as bright room lights assaulted his optic nerves. If that wasn’t bad enough, it seemed like moment after waking each time either a doctor or nurse was there to shine an even brighter, more concentrated beam of light was shone right into his eyes almost sending searing pain straight to his brain. The ringing in one ear and the stark silence in the other combining to make those in the room talk louder to be heard. So each time, after answering inane questions about his name, location and different current events that seemed to at least temporarily appease the loud demanding voices, he had closed his eyes and feigned sleep to avoid all those unpleasant sounds and sights until real sleep once more claimed him. 

He felt a little bad about it. He was cognizant of the fact that every time he’d woken up Greg Parker had been right there watching on as doctors and nurses treated him. He knew he should acknowledge his presences, ask about his teammates even though he couldn’t really remember exactly what happened to cause his injuries. He’d even though about speaking up once he’d sensed the was alone in the hospital room with his boss. Asking that the lights be turned off and voices be kept low but knew from his answers to the doctor’s questions that even his own voice brought fresh waves of pain exploding in his head.

So as he once more became aware of his surroundings, he was almost reluctant to open his eyes, not wanting to immediately thrust himself back into that intense pain. A small familiar hand slipped into his and gave it a reassuring squeeze, making him risk opening his eyes ever so slightly then all the way once he realized someone had dimmed the lights so they weren’t quite so intrusive. It took him a moment to be able to focus but once he could, he let his eyes fall on the image of the lone female member of his current team. She was smiling understandingly. 

“You got the full brass band or just a congo line playing in her head right now?” Even her voice was softer than the others that had greeted him since he woke up. Fortunately the ringing in the one ear that seem to still be accepting sound had lessened and he could easily make out her quiet words. He shrugged, not trusting his own voice to be as kind to himself as she was being to him. Then, deciding to be a little more daring, tried a one word question, trusting she would fill in the missing words.

“Boss?”

“Sent him home to get some rest. He was looking pretty wiped out when I got here. You want something for that headache? There was a nurse in here a little while ago that said it’s been long enough now that they can safely give you something to make it bearable. Believe it or not an audible answer will hurt less than a shake or nod of your head.”

She was either an even better profiler than he’d realized or she’d had experience with head injuries like his. Or maybe both. “Yeah.”

He expected her to push the button on his bed to call the nurse and braced himself for the harsh sound of the nurse’s voice over the call box. Instead Jules unfolded herself from her seat and went to the door and made the request. A few minutes later a nurse appeared at his side and injected the contents of a syringe into his IV. Once he was alone again with his co-worker, he made a second attempt at conversation. 

“How bad?”

“The moderate concussion gets you a day or two stay in this luxurious hospital room with an ever present headache as your companion. It and a perforated eardrum will get you a few weeks vacation from work. The numerous aches and bruises are just added bonuses.”

Despite the pain that was at least dulling thanks to the drugs, Raf chuckled. “Only you could make injuries seem like the grand prize in a game show. To be honest, I don’t remember exactly what happened. I remember being on the boat with you, Ed, and Wordsworth but that’s it.”

Jules nodded. “That’s actually not unusual with head injuries. Long story short, our gun runners decided our boat needed a drive-thru. We also think, but I haven’t heard if they’ve confirmed this, that the boat that redesigned ours had an explosive device on it.”

“Damn. Anybody else injured?”

She filled him in on Ed’s injuries adding that the doctor had been just releasing him as she and Sam arrived. “Sam stayed to help Sophie get Ed out to the car. I think Sophie could have handled it but I think Ed wanted to bend Sam’s ear about being temporary TL again while he is recovering. This light dim enough for you?”

He nodded slightly and then winced, realizing she’d been right that a word was much less painful. “I take it you’ve had one of these before.”

Jules frowned. “Concussion? No, not for the lack of trying but Dad and my brothers insist I’m too hard headed to do any real damage. Ridge, my youngest older brother, once wrapped his car around a tree about two weeks after he got it. Somehow he managed to walk away with only a moderate concussion. He was sensitive to light for a couple of weeks after the accident.” She didn’t add that he’d also been prone to lashing angrily out at family members over things that normally wouldn’t have bothered him. She’d save that tidbit for the rest of the team so they would be prepared for any possible mood swings Raf might experience. 

The nurse came back in to check on her patient and after a few minutes of fussing with his IV and questioning about his pain level after the meds, she left out of the room again. Jules watched her go with a smile and then leaned back toward Raf, whispering conspiratorially, “I think she likes you. She’s cute. Want me to try to get her phone number for you? You might as well get something other than a headache out of all this.”

Raf laughed but then groaned as it made his head hurt worse. “You’re hilarious Callaghan.” His eyes closed as the painkiller lulled him back to sleep. He didn’t want to give in to it; he’d slept enough as it was. He pried his eyes back open and looked at Jules deciding to tackle the other worry he had. “You wouldn’t lie to me would you, Jules?”

Jules raised an eyebrow. “About the nurse liking you? I’m telling you Raf, I haven’t been here that long and she’s been in to check on you more than I think I had nurses checking on me during my entire stay in the hospital after being shot.”

He closed his eyes but not to sleep but so that she couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. “No, that I’m going to be out of work just a few weeks not permanently.”

Jules raised an eyebrow. “Whoa, Raf, where’s this permanently coming from?”

“I can’t hear out of my right ear. If I can’t hear, I can’t do my job. They’ll never clear me to return to duty.”

Jules squeezed his hand. “Raf, you can’t hear out of that ear right now. That’s because of the perforated eardrum. Once it heals, your hearing should come back as well, probably before you’d be cleared to return to duty from the concussion. We had a teammate before Sam came named Rollie who ruptured an eardrum during a call because he didn’t have time to protect his ears from a blast. He came back like nothing had happened after about a week and a half. It didn’t stop him and it won’t stop you.”

Before Raf could reply Sam entered the room. He’d suffered a couple of different concussions in his lifetime so he hadn’t needed Jules reminding him to keep his voice down when talking to the injured man. The couple stayed for another twenty minutes and as Raf looked like he could drift back to sleep, Jules looked at Sam and nodded, indicating it was time they left. She stood and gave Raf a kiss on the cheek. 

“We’re going to head out. We’re meeting Wordy at the house to put in the floor. I think Spike’s planning on stopping in to check on you later. Don’t let him drive you crazy. Don’t worry, we’ll let your nurse know you are in here all by yourself so she can think about coming in here to give you a sponge bath.”

Raf rolled his eyes but didn‘t protest her suggestion. “And you were talking about Spike driving me crazy. Sam, get her out of here.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“How’s Raf doing?” Wordy asked after they’d been working on the floor for about thirty minutes. He’d already stopped in to check on Ed on the way over so he knew his former team leader was doing much better. Better enough to be giving Sophie a hard time about taking it easy. In fact, Ed had even gone so far as to suggest that he might could help them put the floor in when Wordy had mentioned where he was headed. 

Jules gave him an update. They had gotten into a rhythm putting in the floating floor panels and it was going fast. By all estimates they should have the floor in by the end of the day. When she finished telling him about Raf, Wordy shook his head in sympathy.

“Yeah, those concussions are not fun. Remember that one that I got your first year with the team?”

Jules winced. “How could I forget? Lew thought he’d killed you. Hell, we all thought Lew had killed you. Then we thought Shelley was going to kill him. Which wasn’t pretty given that she was almost eight months pregnant with Cally at the time.”

Sam, who had returned with three large glasses of lemonade about the time Jules spoke frowned. “Wait, I thought I knew all the good stories. I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard this one.” 

“It was the first and only year we had the SRU double team softball tournament. Team One was partnered with Team 4 and we were playing Teams 2 and 6.” Wordy explained. “We were at bat. I was on 2nd base, Jules was on first and Lew was at bat. He makes a line drive, nearly takes out the pitcher which looking back should have been a clue for me to hit the deck but I was paying attention to Sarge who was acting as third base coach. Sarge starts screaming at me but I’m thinking he’s telling me not to run cause it’s going to be a pop fly. I never saw the ball coming and it beaned me in the side of the head. You’d have thought the helmet would have protected me but nope I was unconscious before I hit the ground.” 

Sam winced. Now he understood the ugly almost murderous looks he’d gotten when he’d suggested they form a team to compete in a charity softball tournament his second year with the team. “Ouch, that had to hurt.”

“Yeah but don’t feel too bad for him.” Jules explained. “Lew felt so guilty he painted the baby’s nursery for them, twice because after he painted it pink Shelley decided she like the daffodil yellow better, and put together the crib since Wordy wasn’t supposed to do any heavy lifting. Didn’t you even guilt the poor guy into mowing your grass for like two months?”

Wordy laughed. “Need I remind you I had a knot the size of a tennis ball on the side of my head?” 

They went back to work and after about an hour of feeling out of his element and not being good at anything but holding a board in place as Jules and Wordy worked it into position, Sam leaned over and kissed Jules. “You two okay here for a little bit without me? I think I’ll be of more use picking up something for lunch for all of us.”

Both Wordy and Jules assured him they would be fine. Sam kissed Jules again and left the house. As he pulled out of the drive and started down the street, he never noticed the beat up old car parked a couple of house down. And since he didn’t see the car, he couldn’t notice the man sitting behind the wheel of the car who started to smile as he drove past.

In the car, Johnny smiled. “Phase One begins now.”


	58. Chapter 58

“I talked to my supervising officer this morning.” Wordy stated casually not long after Sam left.

Jules took the rubber mallet and lightly tapped the next board into its slot. She glanced at him. “Wordy, I don’t think you’ve quite got the grasp of the meaning of days off.”

He grinned. “This from the one who got herself inserted into a hostage situation while not only on her day off but while on a date as well. Besides, I had to go in this morning to get a replacement cell phone since mine didn’t survive it’s submersion in the bay last night. Something I have a feeling you have to do as well.”

Jules frowned. “Don’t remind me. I’m not looking forward to explaining why twice in one week I’m asking for a replacement. First one goes flying out of my attic and then another one takes a swim. The department might just decide to issue me a tin can and a string instead.” Then she leaned back on her heels. “But, and I know this from recent personal experience, you go through the central acquisition department not your SO to get a new phone.”

“You’re right but since I was there anyway, I went to see him to recommend that you receive a commendation for saving us last night.”

“Wordy…” She drew out his name in warning then blew out her breath through her mouth. “Well, did you put in a request for yourself as well? Cause you were right there with me saving Ed and Raf.”

Wordy shrugged. “Maybe but I wouldn’t have been in any shape to do anything if you hadn’t recognized the danger. Your warning allowed us to jump free and gave Eddie at least a warning to try to get free of his clip. Face it, if you hadn’t acted, the department would probably be planning a quadruple funeral right now. The paper work alone that you prevented deserves a commendation.”

Jules rolled her eyes. “I was just doing my job.”

“Maybe but I didn’t see it coming. Ed didn’t see it coming. Raf was in the water so he didn’t see it coming. You getting what I‘m saying here?”

“So I’m suspicious.”

“So you’re damn good at what you do. That deserves recognition. So, Constable Julianna Callaghan, I suggest you just suck it up and accept it. Okay? And while I’m at it, Shelley also told me to personally thank you. She called last night because she heard about the explosion and wanted to make sure all our friends were okay.”

“Bet she wasn’t too happy to hear that you were involved.” Jules answered softly realizing she wasn’t going to win an argument against him on the issue.

“Not as unhappy as she would have been if I’d died.” Wordy countered seriously. Then, recognizing that he’d belabored the point as much as Jules would good-naturedly accept, he relented. “Okay, okay, enough about last night. This floor is looking great. We should be able to finish putting it in this afternoon and then I can finish the siding tomorrow. You going to be okay coming back here?”

Jules looked around the room and then back at him. “Haven’t run screaming from the room so far, have I?”

“No.” Wordy admitted. “But I wouldn’t expect you to even if it did bother you.”

Jules sighed. “I’m fine, Wordy. But thanks for caring.”

He watched her for a moment and then nodded. “Always.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“I’ll have three of your number 4s loaded and three medium fries.” Sam placed his order to the teenager behind the counter of the fast food restaurant he’d stopped at. He paid and stepped to one side to wait for his order to be filled. 

“Well, isn’t this a small world.”

Sam stiffened and turned to look at the man standing behind him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Johnny Dawson smirked. “It’s a burger joint. What do you think I’d be doing here?”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. Toronto was graced with many fast food eating places. There was absolutely no reason for anyone to have to travel out of their normal area to find any type of restaurant. This particular place wasn’t near Dawson’s work or Kennington House so Sam couldn’t see a really good reason that the man had just randomly decided to buy lunch here. “Nothing good, I’m sure.”

Johnny actually laughed, clearly enjoying the fact that he was getting under Sam’s skin. “Are you this antagonistic to all of JAC’s former lovers?”

Sam clenched his fist wanting to smash it into the arrogant man’s face. How the hell could he call himself that? “You aren’t one of Jules’s former lovers.”

If anything Sam’s words only made Johnny smile broader. “I’m glad you recognized that because you are absolutely right. I’m not one of her former lovers. I’m her first lover and despite my lengthy absence there’s nothing former about our relationship. She’s just been bidding her time until we could be reunited.” Normally he wouldn’t be so open in public about his relationship but the more he could push Sam’s buttons the better his plan would work. If that meant getting to finally verbalize how he felt about JAC, then all the better.

Sam’s eyes darkened. How delusional could one person be? Did he really think assaulting a teenage girl constituted a relationship? And did he really think Jules had been waiting anxiously for him to get out of prison so they could resume what he’d started all those years ago? “Listen, you sick son of a …”

“Easy there officer, this is a family restaurant. You wouldn’t want to expose young ears to bad language. Relax. I’m just here to get a bite to eat and then I’m gone. Nothing for you to get up in arms about.”

“I think you’re here trying to cause problems for Jules and I swear to you if you do…”

“You’ll what? Arrest me? I haven’t broken any laws. Harrass me? You and your co-workers have done that already. Hit me? Take you best shot but somehow I don’t think an unprovoked attack would be good for your career.”

The tense moment was interrupted by the kid behind the counter announcing that Sam‘s order was ready. Sam took the bag of food and glared at Johnny. There was no doubt that the other man as absolutely right about Sam wanting to punch his lights out; the urge was greater than any Sam had ever before experienced. But at the same time, he was in control enough to know that he couldn’t do so. While it might be infinitely satisfying, he wouldn’t do anyone any favors if he got himself suspended for giving in to his more innate urges. Better to be the bigger man and just walk away.

Which is what he did. Only Johnny, seeing his plan starting to fall apart, followed behind. Johnny realized that if he was going to be successful, he’d have to up his ante. He stayed right behind Sam all the way to the jeep and waited as Sam placed the bag of food on the passenger seat. Before the other man could get inside, Johnny made his move. “I get why you are so upset with me, really I do. Now that I’m back, you know it’s just a matter of time before you lose her to me. Can’t be easy realizing that you were just a bed warmer. An insignificant little romp in the sack. But what a romp right? I’d be upset too if I knew I was about to be dumped like yesterday’s garbage.”

Sam had to practice his sniper breathing to keep from completely losing all sense of self control. Again his hand closed into a tight fist that was shaking with the need to bury itself so deep into Dawson’s face that it connected with the back of the man’s head. Everything in his common sense and training told him to get in the jeep and drive away. Said not to engage this obviously sick and delusional man. But common sense and training took a back seat to the utter repulsion at the thought that any man could say such things about his Jules. He turned to face Dawson, his expression as controlled as he could make it, his voice not betraying his inner anger. “I think Jules made it quite clear how she feels about you, you fucked up son of a bitch. What you call love the law calls assault. You might could have intimidated a scared teenager traumatized by the hell you put her through but she’s not that little kid anymore. You can’t scare her into submission. One thing hasn’t changed though. She doesn’t want you now any more than she did twenty years ago.”

Johnny smiled. He could feel himself getting aroused -- as he always did when he thought about her beautiful naked body lying beneath him as they made love. “Yeah, she definitely grew up. Filled out in all the right places. She was beautiful at sixteen but damn is she one hot sexy woman. Those tiny perky breasts blossoming to perfect swells begging to be kissed and devoured. Her curvaceous hips the prefect fit for hands to hold her in place as you bury your head in her sweet folds. Lapping up her juices like it’s ambrosia. You’re going to miss that, aren’t you?”

Without conscious thought, Sam had Johnny pinned against the side of the jeep, his arm across the other man’s throat, not quite cutting off his breath but dangerously close. Sam’s face was hard and almost unrecognizable. “Shut the fuck up. You never shared those things with her. You took them from her by force and your sorry ass should still be rotting away in that jail cell you called home for twenty years.”

Johnny knew he was just one short push away from a bloody nose or a black eye or a busted lip or maybe all three. He fought back a smile at how easy it had been to push all of Golden Boy’s buttons so perfectly. All it would take was just a little more push and he’d have him right where he wanted him. “That’s just the story she tells so she doesn’t have to admit how easy it was for her to get me to bed her. JAC’s a regular little minx, isn’t she? Tries to come off so innocent, demure, almost bashful but once you get her in bed, she becomes a little hellcat. She likes it rough. Likes to be the victim. I can just imagine all the fun you must have in that queen size bed; maybe a little role play. Do you handcuff her to the bed while you do her? Listen to her beg for you to stop but knowing she’s really begging for more?”

The pressure of the arm against his throat tightened and Sam’s other fist twitched with the need to hit him. A crowd had formed outside the restaurant watching the events even if no one dared to get close enough to hear what was being said. All the better for Johnny, better for him to come off looking like the innocent victim. Sam’s jaw rocked with barely constrained anger. “Unlike you, you bastard, I don’t hurt women.”

“No, let me guess, when you make love to her, you kiss the scars on her arm and on her chest and think about how you failed to protect her. You treat her like she’s delicate and easily breakable because that’s how you see her. And that’s exactly why you’ll never be more than a temporary replacement for the man she truly wants to be with. You can’t give her what she wants and needs in a lover. You’re just a boy when she needs a man.”

Johnny closed his eyes, anticipating the punch he knew was coming. Relishing not the pain but the satisfaction of knowing one way or another he was about to eliminate the competition. But the blow never came. Only the sound of what had at one time been both a familiar and friendly voice. He opened his eyes to see that his eldest nephew had grabbed Braddock’s arm preventing the blow.

“Sam, don’t do it, Man. He’s not worth it.” James Callaghan’s voice was the picture of forceful calm. 

“Back down, James. You don’t know what he’s been saying…” Sam warned. He could easily counter the block Jules’s oldest brother had on his hand. He’d been train to break such a hold without any trouble but he didn’t make a move to. As much as he wanted to rearrange Dawson’s face, he knew James was right. Still…

“You’re right, I don’t know. I probably don’t want to know cause I don’t think the bastard should be walking around let alone being able to talk about my baby sister. But no matter how much he might deserve to eat your fist or a whole round of lead but where would that leave you? Weren’t you the one giving me shit about Jules not appreciating me risking my freedom in some sort of macho show of support? I think she’d take it worse from you. She’s used to me being the hot head.”

The arm across Dawson’s throat lessened its pressure and Johnny could see his plan failing. While he had plenty of ammunition that he knew would make the younger man escalate again, it wouldn’t do to have a witness that could tell JAC the role he played in Golden boy’s demise. Better to cut his loses now and enact phase two instead. He tried to look scared. “James, I’m glad you came by when you did. I guess family does matter in the end. I thought he was going to kill me. He just went nuts…”

James whirled to face Johnny. “Shut the hell up. I didn’t stop him for you. You could step in front of a semi for all I care and I would feel worse for the semi driver would have to wash what’s left of your sorry ass off his grill than I would that you were dead. I did it because I can see how much Sam loves Jules and how much she loves him in return. I don’t want to see him in trouble because I know what that would do to Jules. So get the hell out of here before I make the sacrifice and hit you myself.”

Johnny stepped away from the jeep and straightened his clothing. “Gladly. I just stopped to get a bite to eat and to be honest someone’s fist isn’t really on my diet. Give JAC my best.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed and once again his hand tightened into a fist but he didn’t make a move toward Johnny. “You come near Jules and I swear to you I’ll kill you.”

James waited until he was alone with Sam before saying anything else. “You okay?”

Sam watched the man who had terrorized the woman he loved leave and shook his head. “Not even. What are you doing here?”

“We were worried about Jules after seeing the news last night. Dad couldn’t reach her when he called to check to see if she was okay so he sent me to check on her. I had already stopped at your apartment and she wasn’t there so I thought I’d try her house. I saw the jeep and swung in thinking the two of you were here. Saw what was going on and thought I’d do for you what someone should have done for me the night Jules was attacked.” James answered. He was quiet for a few minutes as it was obvious that Sam was trying to reign in his emotions. The younger man turned and leaned against the jeep breathing hard. After a moment, Sam responded.

Sam knew that Jules had filled her father and brothers in on the second attack and assured them she was fine and didn’t need them rushing to check on her. She’d later privately admitted that she was sure if they came to visit, they would take one look at her injuries and completely over react. “Thanks. I can’t believe he was spouting off like he did. I don’t understand it. Up til now he’s been so careful; it’s like he was after something.”

“A bloody nose from the looks of it. Sam, you’ve got to be careful. I grew up with him even if he did pal around with Peter more than me. He’s smart and he’s manipulative. It was cute stuff as we were growing up but I saw him get away with things as a teen no one should have been able to get away with. If he was pushing your buttons, it was for a reason.”

“Copy that.” Sam answered almost breathlessly. “I need to get back to the house before Jules starts wondering what happened.”

James nodded. “You gonna tell her about this?”

Sam looked from James to down the road where Johnny had disappeared to. He didn’t want to keep secrets from Jules but after hearing her express her fears of being a jinx the night before wasn’t sure it was fair to burden her with anything else.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”


	59. Chapter 59

“What are you doing?”

At the sound of Sam’s deep questioning voice, Jules looked up from the spot on the floor she’d claimed outside Sam’s bathroom. For the better part of an hour, she’d been sitting there waiting as Sam sequestered himself inside to take a shower. She’d known something was bothering him from the moment he’d come back to the house with their burgers and James in tow. She’d wanted to ask him then what was wrong but sensed he didn’t want to discuss it in front of their friend or her brother. So she’d waited. 

The ride to the station for a new cell phone and then to the apartment hadn’t seemed like the right time to q  
uiz him because he needed to focus his attention on the busier than usual traffic. So again she’d waited.

At the apartment Nat had greeted them warmly yet completely oblivious to the idea that anything might have been troubling her brother. She explained that Spike was spending the evening keeping Raf company and would be home later and that she was taking Rhonda out for the evening to help cheer her up from her botched date the night before. After whirlwind Natalie had blown through, Jules thought she’d get her chance to find out what was bothering Sam. Before she could pose her question however, he’d kissed her softly and announced he was taking a shower. Jules had stared at him with her mouth half opened in shock as he disappeared into the bathroom. 

Torn between the desire to follow him into the shower and confront him and understanding that sometimes a person had to work through things on their own, Jules had compromised. She’d slid down the wall to sit on the floor so she was close to him without being intrusive, content to wait him out. Lost in her own thoughts trying to figure out what might be bothering him, she’d been surprised when the door finally opened. Sam stepped out of the bathroom wearing sweatpants and nothing else.

“Are you okay?” Jules asked without answering his question. Sam opened his mouth to answer and then shut it just as quickly and shrugged. He made his way down the hall as Jules followed him. She didn’t want to pry; there had been too many things she’d wanted to keep private not to understand that there might be things Sam didn’t want to share with her. But at the same time, the almost complete change in his demeanor from the time he’d left the house to get lunch to the time he came back worried her. She was certain something had happened and she wanted to be there for him the way he’d been there for her. 

In the living room, Sam sighed and pulled Jules close to him. It had taken all his self control when he’d gotten back to the house after his encounter with Dawson not to crush Jules to his chest right there in front of Wordy and James. He’d always heard that some assault victims felt the need to shower repeatedly after the attack in an attempt to “wash” off the feel of their attacker. He’d seen it first hand in the last couple of weeks in the aftermath of what had happened to Jules. But at the same time he’d never really understood the compulsion until now. After dealing with Dawson in the parking lot, Sam hadn’t felt clean until he was standing under the spray of the shower. Now that he was out, he could quite easily take another shower and the man hadn’t even touched him. If anything it made him appreciate just how strong Jules really was.

He was about to sink into the couch bringing Jules down with him. As he felt her stiffen ever so slightly he remembered this wasn’t his couch but the one from her house that she’d been attacked on. The couch she’d avoided sitting on since they’d been forced to stay in his apartment. So he shifted over to the recliner and sat down pulling her into his lap. 

“The floor looks good. You and Wordy have done a great job on it.” Sam responded, evading her question.

Jules leaned back so that she could look at him. “Sam, I’m okay with the idea that something’s bugging you.” Sam raised a questioning eyebrow and Jules frowned. “Okay so that sounded better in my head than it did out loud. I don’t want to see you upset any more than you want to see me that way. But shit happens and there’s going to be times for both of us when we are less than our best. I get that and I don’t want to force you to open up about something you don’t want to talk about. At the same time though, knowing you’re going through something even if I don’t know what it is hurts me as much as it hurts you to know something is upsetting me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to confide in me but I’m here for you whether you do or not. Even if you don‘t want to tell me what happened today to upset you, tell me what I can do to make things at least a little better.” 

Sam closed his eyes. How could he keep anything from her? But at the same time, how could he add to her stress by telling her the vile things Johnny apparently believed? He pulled her back to him and kissed her again. She responded to his kisses willingly and he could feel himself relaxing for the first time since seeing Dawson and the restaurant. Finally he pulled back. “You help me just by being here. I want to tell you but for right now I just need some time.”

Jules nodded, resting her head against his bare shoulder. “Okay, fair enough. Got any ideas for supper? I noticed you gave the burger you bought for yourself to James. You’ve got to be hungry by now.”

Sam looked at her as she ran her hand lightly over his chest, drawing random patterns with her fingertip. Her touch was both comforting and at the same time a reminder that he was keeping something from her that she needed to know about even if he didn’t want to hurt her with the information. He sighed. “Just like that? You can really let it go that easily?”

Jules shrugged. “Do I want to know what’s bothering you? Hell yes but only if you want to share it. God knows there are too many bad memories that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to share with you or anyone for me to jump down your throat over not telling me everything. That would be a little hypocritical of me, don’t you think?”

“It’s not like I’ve been completely understanding when you’ve wanted to keep things to yourself. I’ve done my fair share of pushing even after saying I wouldn’t. I couldn’t blame you if you demanded at least a little more info from me but I really appreciate your understanding.”

“How about I call that Chinese take out place and order something for delivery.” Jules started to pull out of his arms but he tightened his hold. It was enough to let her know that he wanted her to stay in his arms but not so tight that she couldn’t get out of it if she so chose. She looked at him seeing the indecision and pain in his blue eyes. “Sam?”

“Just…I mean….” He closed his eyes against her searching, caring gaze and took a deep breath. Then he reopened his eyes and some of the misery had dissipated. “I just need to hold you for a little while.”

“Okay.” She more breathed the word that spoke it and settled back against him, snuggling into a more comfortable position. If anything, her agreement made his arms tighten around her even more but she didn’t protest. Whatever he didn’t want to talk about had obviously bothered him a great deal. If he needed the reassurance of holding her close to help him sort out his emotions then she would be there for him however he needed it. It wasn’t just that she felt like she owed him for all the times he’d taken care of her when she was less than her best. She wanted to be there for him, to offer whatever comfort he needed.

Jules wasn’t sure how long they sat like that; she couldn’t see her watch or a clock and she didn’t want to shift position to find out. But as the time stretched on, she noticed the change in his heart rate beating under her ear. Gradually it slowed back to its normal rhythm and she was glad that whatever was bothering him seemed to be lessening. Finally he spoke.

“Johnny came into the burger place while I was buying lunch today.”

“Oh.” Jules’s one word answer was her only response. She’d promised not to push and she wasn’t. Besides, if it involved Johnny, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know what vile lies he’d spewed. But her own heart rate quickened at the mention of her uncle’s name. She took slow even breaths to try to hide the effect that just the name had on her. 

“He’s one sick, fucked up bastard.” Sam continued, his voice thick with emotion. 

Jules shuddered and she swallowed hard, hoping the bile that threatened to rise from the pit of her stomach didn’t force its way out. She knew he wouldn’t blame her if she did throw up but it would only served to strengthen his desire not to tell her what was bothering him. Fortunately her stomach settled. Sam’s hold tightened on her and she welcomed the feel of his warm, comforting arms around her small body. She closed her eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

It was a rhetorical statement but Sam replied anyway. “He thinks the two of you had a relationship. Correction, he thinks the two of you have a relationship. Present tense. Told me I was just a bed warmer for you until you came back to him.”

“You didn’t believe him.” It wasn’t a question, her tone was too matter of fact for there to be any hint of doubt or recrimination in her voice. There was no doubt in her mind that their relationship was stronger than any lies Johnny could tell.

Still, Sam felt the need to assure her anyway. “No, but listening to him describe what he did to you that way…” He trailed off, his voice tight with emotion. Without releasing his tight hold on her, he held his fingers just slightly apart from each other. “I came this close to punching his lights out.”

Jules wiggled just enough that she could take his left hand in her own and bring his unbruised knuckles to her lips. “The fact that you came home and didn’t go to jail tells me you didn’t follow through with that. Is that how James came into the picture?”

Sam nodded. “I swear to you, Jules, if he hadn’t stopped me I would have hit Dawson and I wouldn’t have stopped until he was just a bloody greasy pulp on the pavement of the parking lot. I know it would have been wrong but it was like he knew what buttons to push to send me off the deep end. He hurt you so badly, took things from you that you haven’t been able to get back, and he was practically bragging about it like he’d done this great and wonderful thing.”

Releasing his hand, Jules ran her hand over Sam’s cheek, realizing that he’d forgone the need to shave that morning since they weren’t going into work. The day old scruff was rough yet comforting against her fingers. “I’m glad you didn’t hit him. Not because I’m worried about what it would do to him but because of what it would do to you. Sam, you’re right, he hurt me badly and I’m still not over what he did to me. But I survived what he did and I’m recovering from it thanks to you. I gave you up once because I thought it was the best thing for both of us and the job. It’s a decision I regretted from the moment I left that coffee shop. I hurt you and myself by letting you go and the only thing that made that better was getting a second chance. Now that we’re together and our relationship is out in the open, I don’t want to ever lose you again. I love you and it would kill me to lose you. If you got into trouble because of me, I don’t know that I could forgive myself.”

Sam released his hold long enough to cup her face in his hands and kiss her. Pulling back, his thumbs gently caressed her cheeks near her jaw line. “You won’t lose me, Jules. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Unless you let him provoke you into hurting him and you’re the one to go to jail.” Jules warned him. “Sam, he hurt me, past tense. If he thinks he and I have some sort of relationship, then he’s delusional. I wouldn’t care if he were the last man on the earth, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. But that’s all he has, delusions. He can paint it anyway he wants to but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s just some sort of monster who took what he couldn’t have. But they are just words…”

Sam shook his head. “You didn’t hear him, Jules. I knew he was goading me and that he was trying to cause trouble but at the same time I didn’t care if I was giving him exactly what he wanted. I just wanted him to pay for what he did to you. You don’t know how hard it was…”

“Please, Sam, do you think it was easy for me to stand there last night and hear him say some of those very same things directly to my face? When he reached out and touched my cheek, it was all I could do not to run away and curl up in some ball. But I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. Promise me Sam, promise me you won’t let him get you in trouble. Making us miserable is the only power he has left and I don’t want him to have any power at all.”

Once more she lowered her head to his shoulder, letting him hold her to provide comfort to them both. He lowered his head so that it rested on hers. She said nothing when she felt teardrops that didn’t belong to her run down the side of her face. She didn’t reach up to brush them away; instead allowing him the privacy even as he held her to cry out his emotions without comment. After a few minutes he pulled back but didn’t bother to wipe away the evidence of his tears. 

“Jules, can I ask you a question?” She nodded mutely to his question; any other time she might have quipped that he already had but she wanted to give him this time to open up. He took another deep breath and continued, his voice husky with emotion. “I get your reasons at age 16 for not telling anyone what Johnny did to you. I do and I’m not asking this as a judgment on your part but I want to know. Would you consider filing charges against him now?”

Jules closed her eyes and for a moment forgot about breathing. Sam looked at her, worry evident in his eyes. Suddenly he had the irrational thought of wondering if this was how Lew had felt the moment he stepped on the landmine, knowing that he couldn’t step back and change his path but also knowing he couldn’t risk any other move either. Finally, Jules took a shaky breath, not looking at him. “Do you want me to?”

Sam frowned. “Jules, this isn’t about what I want. Okay? I want to know what you think, how you feel about it. Have you considered it?”

When she wiggled out of his arms, he didn’t try to stop her. She walked over to the window and looked out through the glass at the view of the city the window offered. She crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her arms as if warding off a chill. “Have I considered it? Yes. You remember that call we got a few years back at the shopping mall? Where the girl threatened to jump off the building after shooting one of the girls who had tormented her in the bathroom earlier?”

Sam nodded even though her back was to him and she couldn’t see him. He remembered that call all too well; those seconds when the girl had slipped and Jules jumped to save her were some of the longest seconds of his life at the time until he’d known she was okay. Fear that had been replaced when the sniper’s bullet had pierced her armor that day on top of the building and then again months ago when she’d been trapped in that lab bleeding out from a shrapnel wound while being exposed to deadly anthrax spores. “Tasha, wasn’t it? The girls had attacked her in retaliation for her filing charges against their gang buddy who had attempted to rape her?.”

Jules nodded as well. “For days after that call I kept hearing my words to her running through my head like an accusation. I told her how brave she’d been for standing up to the guy who had hurt her, for fighting back by filing charges. I meant what I told her but at the same time it made me think how cowardly I had acted. How unbrave I had been when in her same shoes. At that point Johnny was still in jail and I hadn’t told anyone what had really happened after Dad left for his trip. So I considered filing charges but then just as immediately dismissed the idea.”

Sam stood and walked to her stopping just short of putting his arms around her. Her voice had an almost haunted quality to it that scared him. “Can I ask why?”

She nodded, still not turning to look at him. “You and I both know how rape trials go. The victim is dragged through the mud just as much if not more so than her accuser. Even if the victim does everything right, goes to the hospital and immediately files charges, has evidence collected, the works; it’s still sometimes hard to get a conviction. And even if there is a conviction, sometimes I’ve wondered if the price the victim has to pay for justice is worth the time the bastard who hurt her serves.”

“Jules…” Sam interrupted, regretting asking the question in the first place. But Jules didn’t seem to hear him as she continued. 

“I didn’t do anything right. I didn’t tell anyone what he did to me. I didn’t go to the hospital so there’s no evidence that it really happened. It would be my word against his without any proof. At the time I first considered it, he was still in jail and I was still hoping irrationally that he’d never get out even though I knew better. Didn’t seem worth going through the pain.”

“And now that he’s out?” Sam asked softly, realizing they had to play this conversation out now that he’d started it. 

Jules turned to look at him, her eyes revealing her pain. “What would happen if I filed assault charges against him now? I would have to tell complete strangers things that I’m still not comfortable even telling you. Then Johnny would tell his sick delusional side that I seduced him, that I wanted it to happen. His lawyer would point out that I kept quiet about it for twenty years. Would probably point out the recent attacks as some sort of proof that I was developing some sort of pattern of crying rape or something. Maybe a jury would be sympathetic and believe me but more than likely the case would be dismissed on lack of evidence. What would that do to Johnny’s delusions? If I thought I was saving someone else from the hell I went through it would be one thing but I think he’s made it clear that he’s fixated on me not others.”

Sam didn’t want to admit that she had a point. Didn’t want to think about having to see Jules sitting in a courtroom listening to Johnny spew his sick delusions for all the world to hear. The people who knew and loved Jules wouldn’t believe what he had to say but it wouldn’t make it any easier for her knowing they even had to listen to it. Still, he hated the idea that Johnny would get off Scott free. “What about age of consent charges? Even if he claimed it was consensual…”

Jules shook her head. “In 1992, the age of consent was 14. Even if the current law had been in place then there would still be no guarantee that he’d be convicted. I was 16 and he was not quite a full five years older than me so the law could still cover him.”

Sam frowned. She’d obviously given it considerable thought, but it couldn‘t be as cut and dried as she was making it out to be. “But he’s in a position of authority…”

“He could argue that. Yeah, by blood relation he’s my uncle but he was raised more like a cousin than an uncle cause he was so close in age to the rest of us. The fact that he was actually our uncle was more of a joke with us than anything. But it doesn’t matter because he couldn’t be tried under the new law anyway. Maybe I’m still a coward but I don’t think I could put myself or the people I love through a trial. Maybe I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am, as strong as you think I am.”

At this Sam reached out and cupped her chin in his hand. He shook his head. “I meant what I said last night. I don’t know anyone stronger. I don’t want to hear you call yourself unbrave or a coward. Because there is no way you could ever be any of those things. Honestly, I don’t know if I could be okay not getting justice but maybe that just means you’re actually a little stronger than me. If you don’t want to pursue charges then I’ll support you and I won’t bring it up again.”

But Jules took a step back, her eyes once more downcast. “But you think I should.”

Sam sighed. “I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t think I could be okay if I didn’t. But I’m not you. I didn’t go what you went through and I haven’t thought about it the way you have. I guess I was looking at it as irrefutable proof to Dawson that you haven’t been sitting around pining for him.”

“You think he’d see it that way? Cause honestly I don’t. He’s so caught up in this delusion he’s created to justify his actions that I don’t think even if a court of law found him guilty it would change the way he thought. However, if a court cleared him I think it would strengthen his beliefs. And that scares me more than wanting to see justice done. I’m sorry if that disappoints you.”

Sam crushed her to his chest. “You haven’t disappointed me. It’s your life and your decision. I’m sorry I’m making this harder on you than it already is. I don’t mean to; it’s just hard to listen to him spout off like he had a right to touch you.”

Jules rose up to her tiptoes and kissed him. He led her back to the chair and sat down, pulling her to him. She lingered over the kiss until they both needed to breathe. Then she pulled back to look at him, her expression serious. “Sam, seriously? Do you have any idea how much better you really do make things for me? All these years I’ve considered myself some sort of freak because of what he did to me. Didn’t think I’d ever feel normal. Some days I still have those doubts but then I think about you and the way you’ve been patient with me and are helping me conquer my fears. I know the second attack kind of put that on hold but I’m already more comfortable with some things that I ever thought I’d be.”

Seeing the doubt in Sam’s eyes, Jules took his hand in her own and eased it under her shirt so that it rested against her bra covered breast. For a moment she kept her hand over his to make sure he didn’t pull it away because he was afraid of hurting her. When his eyes met hers and locked there she removed her hand. Still he kept it still until she reached behind her and unsnapped her bra, easing the material away from between his hand and her skin. 

“From Johnny I learned to be scared of being touched here; associated having my breasts touched with pain. You’ve made me see that it doesn’t have to hurt and that it can feel so good. You’ve done that for me. You’ve made me trust if not myself completely, then at least to trust you. So don’t ever think you’ve made things harder. It’s because of you that I know I can be okay even if Johnny never spends another day in jail and even if he spends the rest of his life thinking there could ever be anything between him and me. Let him have his delusions cause they can’t hurt me and at the end of the day, you are the one I’m going to share a bed with. It’s your touch and kisses I want.”

As if to prove her point, she leaned down and kissed him, letting her tongue run over his lips until they parted to allow her entry. The kiss deepened and their tongues dueled for control over the kiss. At the same time, Sam’s fingers began to lightly tease her nipple, still being careful that the amount of pressure he applied was never hard enough to actually pinch and cause pain. 

Their make-out session was starting to get heavy and Sam pushed the chair back so that it was reclining. They were both breathing hard and Sam was contemplating slipping her t-shirt over her head so that she was as bare-chested as he was when they both heard the key in the front door signaling that someone was home. 

Before the door could actually open, Sam had returned the recliner to its upright position and removed his roaming hand from Jules’s shirt. For her part, Jules slipped off his lap and refastened her bra with deft fingers. By the time Spike entered the apartment carrying two large pizza boxes, the couple had managed to hide most traces of what they’d been doing only seconds before. 

“Hey guys, good, you’re here. I was afraid I’d have to eat both pizzas by myself.” The computer expert set the boxes on the island in the kitchen and reached up in a cabinet for three plates. “Beer or soda?”

Sam tugged Jules’s hand pulling her close so that he could lean down to whisper in her ear. “You and Wordy are almost finished with that floor, right? Cause I’m definitely remembering the advantages of not getting interrupted. Rain check til after we go to bed?”

Jules nodded, not trusting herself to talk just yet. She excused herself to the bathroom, wanting to make sure there was no tell-tale evidence of what she and Sam had been in the middle of when Spike had arrived. However, Spike seemed oblivious to what he’d almost walked in on. Once Jules returned after fixing her hair and clothes, Spike smiled at his two friends. “Raf’s going to be released tomorrow. He’s doing much better. Jules, he said to tell you that he’s now down to the sound of one of those toy monkeys playing the cymbal in his head. He said you’d know what he meant.”

Sam, who had suffered his own fair share of concussions, knew the sensation he was talking about. “That’s the annoying stage. I’d almost rather have the full brass band playing than the monkey cymbals.”

Jules frowned reaching into the fridge for three beers. “Does he have someone to pick him up?”

Spike nodded, reaching into the box for a slice of pepperoni and sausage. “Ed and Sophie are going to swing by and give him a lift home. I understand we’re on shift at 8 in the morning. Just going to have members from the other team volunteer to fill in while they are out?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, choosing temporary replacements for what should only be a few weeks just didn’t make sense. Hank’s out of town right now so Donna agreed to work as many extra shifts as she could without taking overtime pay. Rodney and George have also agreed to help out, so that’s a person from three different teams. We should be good. Although we’ll all be happier when Ed and Raf are cleared to return.”

“Copy that,” Jules agreed as she took her first slice of pizza as well. 

After polishing off three slices and two beers, Spike glanced toward the door. “Is it wrong of me that the idea of Natalie out with Rhonda scares the shit out of me? I keep waiting for the phone to ring that they are in trouble.”

Sam laughed and lifted his beer to his lips. After taking a long drink, he shook his head. “I never thought I’d see the day when I trusted Nat’s judgment over someone else’s but I think she’s definitely the more mature one of the two.”

Jules shook her head. “You two are awful. Rhonda’s not that bad.”

Both men gave her a look of disbelief. Then Spike frowned. “Actually yeah, yeah she is. You’re just lucky you haven’t had to spend that much time with her. I feel my IQ shrinking the more time I spend around her.”

Jules looked at Sam, expecting him to back her up. Instead he just reached for another slice of pizza. Finally he frowned. “Honestly Jules, I’m torn between wanting things to work out for her and this guy that she’s fixated on and wanting to meet him so I can warn him to run for the hills.” 

Spike snorted. “Be honest Sammo, you’re just glad there’s someone else she’s wanting to get her hooks on besides you. I swear if I had a dollar for every time I heard her go on about what a dreamboat Nat’s brother is, I could retire a rich man.” He changed his voice to a falsetto, imitating his girlfriend‘s friend. “Oh, Nat, that brother of yours is just too hunky for words. I wish I could get him to ‘serve and protect’ me.”

Sam shot his friend a look that clearly said shut up and then tilted his head toward Jules, worried that she would take it the wrong way. Spike just rolled his eyes. “Please, like Jules has anything to worry about. There’s no way you’d ever give that bimbo the time of day when you’ve got Jules to come home to. That would be like choosing to drink water from the toilet bowl when you could have champagne instead.”

Jules wrinkled her nose and put her half eaten slice back down. “Spike, while I appreciate the comparison, that’s just gross.”

He grinned. “Just calling them like I see them.”

After they had polished off the pizza, they settled in the living room to watch a game on TV. Nat came in a few hours later reporting that Rhonda had decided to forgive JD for standing her up. Apparently a floral delivery and a promise of a nice dinner out tomorrow night had gone a long way to smoothing things over. Not long after coming home, Nat and Spike made their way to their bedroom, leaving Jules and Sam still curled up together in the recliner. 

Jules looked up at Sam, her expression amused. “So I guess I don’t have to fight Rhonda for your affections just yet.”

Sam lifted her chin to peer into her eyes. “Not something you’d ever have to worry about. Don’t ever worry about that.”

The look of longing in his eyes sent shivers of desire down her spine and she nodded. “Okay. Still, I think I’ll be glad when we can get back home in a few days.”

Sam nodded. “Copy that. At least there we wouldn’t have to worry about someone walking in and interrupting us when I was doing this…” He lowered his head to capture her lips at the same time running his hand under her t-shirt to gently massage her breast through the material of her bra.

Jules moaned softly in desire but brought her hand up to grip his arm, stilling his hand. “As much as I want to pick up right where we left off, how about we move the party to the bedroom, just in case?”

In answer, Sam stood, lifting her in his arms as he did so. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her mouth once more finding his. He carried her to the bedroom, closing and locking the door as he did so. Once in the privacy of their room, he laid her down on the bed before slipping out of his sweatpants and boxers. Then he took his time divesting her of her clothes, taking time to admire her beautiful body as he laid it bare. No matter how many times he made love to her, he never tired of looking at her. Nothing could detract from her beauty. Not the bruises that marred her perfect skin, not the still red and vivid scar on her arm from the call that had proven to Dr. Toth that they could maintain the priority of life code despite their feelings for each other. Not the now almost invisible scar on her chest that had almost stolen her away from him permanently. 

_No, let me guess, when you make love to her, you kiss the scars on her arm and on her chest and think about how you failed to protect her._

Johnny’s words from earlier in the day suddenly hit him all over again. Sam pulled back from Jules, his face white with realization. He didn’t see the look of confusion that came over her face at his abrupt stop; his eyes drawn automatically first to one scar and then the other. Scars that Sam had become so intimately familiar with because he was the only one who usually got to see them. His heart once more began to hammer in his chest and he forgot how to breathe. 

Obviously the scar on her chest was always covered but Jules self-consciously made it a point to also keep the one on her arm hidden under her clothes. How the hell had Johnny known where her scars were unless he’d seen then for himself? And the only way he’d seen them was to have seen her completely naked.


	60. Chapter 60

“Sam?” Jules asked tentatively, hurt and confusion evident in her tone. She shivered in spite of herself as she lay on the bed naked with Sam hovering over her, his own expression almost horrified. She knew better but couldn’t help but feel an irrational need to cover herself. 

Sam never heard her say his name or even recognized Jules’s confusion. He sat back on the bed and continued to stare at the scars. Could it have been a lucky guess? Could Dawson have known about her earlier injuries through the letters from Aunt Millie? He thought back to the conversation they had had a few weeks earlier when he’d confronted her about the letters, back before he’d known just how bad things had been all those years ago. He’d asked if Millie could have told Johnny that she and Sam were dating and the answer had been no. Why was that? Searching his memory he finally recalled that Jules had said that the last letter had come out right after they’d gotten back together, back when they were dating secretly. That would have been before the attack in the lab. Millie wouldn’t have been able to write about it even if she had inadvertently supplied Johnny with the information about the gunshot wound. 

“Sam.” Jules tried once again to penetrate the fog her boyfriend had found himself in. This time he blinked and actually looked at her. He saw the self doubts and uncertainty in her eyes and inwardly cursed himself. He reached out and touched the side of her face.

“I’m sorry.”

Jules shook her head. “It’s okay. I get it; it’s weird being intimate knowing Nat and Spike are right down the hall.” Her words said she was okay but the tone and the dejected look on her face said that she wasn’t.

Sam sighed, torn by how to continue. He could take her at her word and let her believe that was what had made him stop. Could assure her that as much as he wanted to make love to her it just wasn’t the same knowing his sister and their friend were close by. Could lay down beside her and wrap her in his arms and hold her until she fell asleep. Hold her while his mind played horrifying scenario after scenario that could explain how Johnny knew about those scars. He could save her from those same fears that were currently plaguing him, mercifully allow one of them to get a good night’s sleep. 

Or he could pay attention to what her voice and expression were saying louder than any words could. A lingering voice in his head reminded him that just a few nights ago she’d lain in this very same bed feeling like he was rejecting her because he was scared to give her what he didn’t think she was ready for. Could he take the chance that while he thought he was sparing her pain he was actually feeding her worst fears?

Sam shook his head, reaching out to lightly touch the scar on her arm. There actually wasn’t much of a choice after all; if she was going to be hurt regardless, he‘d rather it be from the truth than any possible thought that he was rejecting her. “This afternoon, Dawson accused me of kissing your scars when we make love because I felt like I hadn’t protected you from getting hurt, like I felt you needed protecting.”

Jules frowned, reaching up to lightly caress Sam’s cheek. “He was pushing your buttons, Sam. You know that, right? You know I don’t believe that. Don’t let him get to you. Don’t let him get in the way of what we share. Don’t you know that’s what he wants?”

Sam nodded, watching her carefully. Had she just not picked up on the enormity of what he‘d said, the same way it hadn‘t hit him at first? Or was it possible he was making a big deal out of nothing? How he prayed it was the latter rather than the former. “Jules, how did Johnny know about the scars?”

Jules paled. She thought back to those first days and weeks after being shot. She’d been so self conscious of the scar below her breast that she wouldn’t allow Sam to be in the same room with her when the dressing was being changed. Didn’t want him to see how hideous it looked, didn’t want him to be repulsed by how ugly she now was. The doctors had saved her life but in doing so hadn’t worried as much about what the after effects would look like. One of her nurses had realized what was bothering her and had recommended a plastic surgeon that could help minimize the scaring without adding too much time to her recovery. Even after a second minor surgery to repair the effects of the initial surgery, she’d been reluctant to show Sam her wounds. It wasn’t until she’d been released from the hospital and found it too difficult to change the dressings by herself that she’d had to admit she needed his help and let him see. He’d been patient with her fears, always assuring her that it didn’t change the way he felt about her and at the same time making her wounds seem like a non-issue until it really was just that. Still, outside of the doctors who had to continue to treat her even after she’d healed, Sam was the only person who ever got to lay eyes on the reminder of how she’d almost lost her life. 

The wound on her arm had also left her self conscious and wanting to hide it from the world. While nowhere near as extreme as the one on her chest, it was still too new and obvious that she didn’t want it to be the first thing people were drawn to. So it too remain hidden under her clothing where Sam was the only one usually privy to seeing it. Even the other night when Sam had surprised her with their romantic date she’d come close to vetoing his choice for a dress for her to wear because it had been sleeveless. Only the fact that the make-up she’d used to cover the worst of her bruises on her face also served to cover up the scar the lack of dress material showed off convinced her to wear it.

Her breath coming in gasps and the bile once more threatening to choke her, she reached for the t-shirt Sam had only moments before had discarded and slipped it back over her body, hiding the damming scars from even his loving eyes. She was shivering not from cold but sudden fear. She scooted closer to Sam allowing him to wrap his protective, comforting arms around her small shoulders and hold her close. Her voice was shaky as she spoke. “Sam, he couldn’t have known about them.”

The fear in her voice only served to make his own worse. He ran his hand lightly down her back, hoping to bring back some of the comfort he’d just stripped away. He tried to think of rational answers. “Maybe he didn’t really know. Maybe Millie gave him the information about you being hurt in her letters and he assumed you’d still have scars.”

She shook her head, burying it in his chest. “No, we don’t tell Aunt Millie about injuries. She can make a paper cut seem like open heart surgery so we’ve learned it’s just better to keep her out of the loop on such things. He couldn’t have been guessing. If he mentioned them, it’s because he’s seen them. The only way he saw them was if…”

She broke off her words, pushing away from Sam suddenly. He continued to sit on the bed, stunned by her sudden rejection and feeling more than a little hurt. It took him a second to realize she wasn’t just pushing away from him but was also scrambling off the bed as if to get out of the room all together. She almost fell to the floor in her haste to get away and it wasn’t until she was out the door that Sam realized she wasn’t so much pushing him away but hurriedly making for the bathroom. With that understanding wiping away his momentary hurt, he pulled on his own sweats and followed her down the hall, reaching the bathroom only to find the door firmly closed and the sound of retching inside.

He leaned against the door, respecting her privacy by not even checking to see if she locked the door in her headlong rush to the bathroom. After several minutes the toilet flushed and he stepped away from the door expecting her to emerge. Instead the shower came on and he knew it would be awhile before she came out. After everything that had happened today and remembering his own need to shower when they got home, Sam couldn’t blame her. 

Sam closed his eyes trying to get his own emotions under control. Why couldn’t there have been some reasonable explanation? Some reason that wouldn’t have involved that sick son of a bitch laying eyes on the woman he loved. She -- they -- had already been through so much; wasn’t it time they caught a break? The danger-- the threat-- was supposed to have been over the moment Jules had pulled the trigger and neutralized the animal who had hurt her. 

Yet now they knew Johnny had done more than just run off at the mouth but didn’t know just what he’d done or how he’d accomplished it. How could Jules protect herself if she didn’t know exactly where the danger was coming from even if she knew who the danger was coming from? How could he help protect her?

He shoved off the wall and strode determinedly down the hall stopping outside Nat’s bedroom and pounded on the door without a second thought to what might be going on inside. Inside he heard the immediate cursing and then Spike’s voice calling out a “wait a damn minute.” Sam frowned, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited. He was just about to knock sharply once again when the door opened and Spike frowned at him.

“Something wrong?”

Sam ignored the fact that Spike was shirtless; he also ignored the irritation that was more than evident in the two words. Instead, his eyes pleaded with Spike to help. “I need you to sweep for hidden cameras.”

Spike frowned, the irritation in his voice changing to professional concern. “Tonight? Where? Why? What’s going on?”

Now that he’d dragged Spike out of bed, Sam struggled with how much to tell their friend. He took a deep breath. “Dawson. I had a run in with him today. Something he said made me realize he has information he couldn’t have unless he has somehow gotten an intimate look at Jules since he was released from jail.”

The frown deepened and a spark of fire ignited in Spike’s eyes. He didn’t need Sam to elaborate. “Shit, seriously? Son of a bitch. And you think he got this ‘intimate look’ via cameras?”

Sam paced the hallway in his agitation. “No, I’m hoping it’s how he got it. It would be easier to track to him and use as proof to put his sorry ass back in jail. More importantly, it would mean he didn’t get it the way I’m really afraid he did. So can you do the search? It doesn’t have to be tonight. I know you’d have to go to HQ to get the necessary equipment. I just thought it would make Jules feel better tonight knowing it was going to be done.” Didn’t add that it would make him feel better as well.

Spike nodded. “Of course I can. But just so you know I already scanned her house. The day she first asked me to do it, the day the two you left early and discovered the kitten had been locked in the attic. While we were processing I went ahead and scanned the whole house. It was clean. No cameras, wire taps, nothing.”

Sam let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d started holding. He really hadn’t wanted there to be cameras in the house. Didn’t want to think about Johnny watching Jules undress or worse that the SOB had watched as they had made love. “Okay so what about the locker room at HQ? I know you said he hasn’t crossed the threshold since you’ve been watching but we know he has been in the locker room. He left Jules that package. What if he left something else as well?”

Spike shrugged. “Yeah I guess it’s possible. I’ll do a sweep first thing in the morning even before Jules has to go in to change just to be sure. If it’ll make you both feel better, after work, I’ll even recheck Jules’s house again and I’ll check here. Anything that will make you both feel better. But Sam, I think you have to be prepared there might be another explanation. After all, we all, Jules included, were sure that it was Dawson who drugged and…”

Sam paused mid-pace and glared at Spike. “Don’t. Don’t finish that. Damn it, yeah I’ve considered it. And yes, we all thought he’d been responsible and then found out we’d apparently been wrong when Jules was forced to kill the man who broke into the attic. The man SCU claims has used that same drug while raping other women. I don’t want to think we were right at first and then wrong. If we were, then that means Jules is still in danger and I’m not sure I can handle that right now.”

Spike took in the sight of his buddy standing in the hallway breathing hard unable to really meet his eyes even though Sam was glaring in his direction. How much more could the couple take before it all got to be too much? From the moment he’d met Jules, or at least from the moment she’d scaled and then jumped from the climbing wall without safety gear and walked away like it had been nothing, he’d known that she was one of the strongest people -- not woman but person -- he’d ever met. He’d even, though he’d never told anyone, had a bit of a crush on her in those first months of working with her, a crush he‘d been too terrified to act upon because of her strong and confident personality. But it hadn’t taken long for that crush to develop more into intense brotherly love, the same kind of brotherly love he knew he shared with the other male members of the team, the same brotherly love he’d known from the moment Sam came into the picture that the, at the time, cocky rookie would never share. He hadn’t been surprised to hear the two had developed a relationship. Jules needed someone who was as strong as she was and not intimidated by her almost indomitable personality. Sam had quickly proven he was that person. 

Still, even the strongest had breaking points and Spike was afraid he was seeing two of his closest friends nearing theirs. He nodded. “Copy that. Sam, Buddy, let the rest of the team worry about Dawson. However he came about his information, whatever exactly that information was, we’ll find out how and we will put a stop to him. We won’t let him hurt Jules any more than he already has. I promise you that.”

A soft hand touched Spike’s back and he looked around to see that Nat had put on a robe and joined him at the door, her expression concerned. She looked from her boyfriend to her brother and back again, an eyebrow raised in question. Spike frowned and wrapped an arm around her back pulling her close to him. There were some nights he still woke up in cold sweats remembering the day Nat’s former boyfriend had taken them both hostage forcing Spike to help with the break in at the evidence depot. He hadn’t even been completely sure of his feelings for his friend’s sister at the time but seeing her in danger, seeing David threaten her life, had twisted his insides so badly he could hardly think. How much worse must it be for Sam, for whom there was no doubt about his feelings for the spunky female sniper, to see Jules in danger? 

Sam looked toward the bathroom door where Jules had once more been pushed to the need to shower off the thought that Johnny had once more seen her without clothes on. Was Spike really suggesting that he step aside and leave her safety to someone else? Even if those someone elses were people he trusted not only with his own life but hers? He shook his head. “I can’t sit by and do nothing.”

“No one’s asking you to, Buddy. But you know that if you or Jules gets too involved in an investigation once we have the evidence we need to nail this bastard to the wall, he’ll have an attorney use your involvement to put that evidence into question. You don’t want him to get away with anything he might have done because of legal maneuvering.“

“I’d rather have the bastard dead than in jail.” Sam muttered dangerously. Spike quietly echoed the sentiment but knew Sam was spouting off in his anger and frustration rather than making a real threat. No matter how much they all wanted to see the man who had hurt Jules suffer ten times worse than he’d made their friend suffer, none of them would actually cross the line and end Dawson’s life unless the man forced their hand. 

Spike continued. “You got to know that if this new information is tearing you up this much then it’s got to be just as bad for Jules. Probably even worse but we all know Jules isn’t going to let just anyone know how badly it’s eating her up. As strong as she is, she doesn’t know how not to be strong. You may just be the only person she lets get a glimpse of her not at her best. She needs you more than you need to be the one investigating Dawson. You be there for Jules and let the rest of us be there for both of you.”

Slowly his words settled over Sam and he nodded wearily. “Yeah, I can do that. Thanks Spike. I know you’ll do what you can. I’m sorry I barged down here like I did. I know there’s nothing you can do about any of this tonight.”

“If you needed someone to vent to, then I’m glad you did. Jules isn’t the only one who doesn’t know how not to be strong. I’m here if either of you need anything.” Spike promised.

This time Sam did meet the other man’s eyes and there was a look of gratitude in them that said more than any words could. Sam nodded. “Still I’m sorry if I interrupted anything.”

Spike smiled. “Consider it payback for me interrupting the two of you when I came home this evening.”

The tips of Sam’s ears turned pink as he realized Spike hadn’t been as oblivious as he’d appeared. Sam appreciated the other man’s discretion earlier. “Yeah, well, I should check on Jules. Thanks again.” 

He reached over and hugged his sister, kissing her cheek in the process, and clapped his hand on Spike’s back in a friendly gesture. Once the couple retreated back into their bedroom and closed the door again, Sam returned to the bathroom. The shower was off but he couldn’t hear anything sounds coming from inside. He hadn’t seen Jules emerge from the bathroom so he knew she was still in there. With a frown he tried the door and was glad to find it unlocked. He wouldn’t have let a lock door stop him but was glad he didn’t have to explain a broken lock to the super.

He eased the door open and stepped inside. His heart practically broke at the sight that awaited him. Jules was sitting on the floor of the shower, curled almost in a ball. The t-shirt she’d hastily pulled on when she’d fled the bedroom earlier was soaking wet and he realized she hadn’t bothered to take it off when she’d stepped into the shower. What skin did show was red and he knew that she’d either turned the shower on way too hot or had scrubbed way too hard on her already bruised and delicate skin or maybe a combination of the both. His anger at the monster who had put her through this grew even more. 

He took a couple of steps closer to her, softly calling her name in the process so he didn’t startle her. She didn’t react to his voice and he continued stepping closer until he was at the shower. He eased the shower door open and knelt beside her. Still he didn’t reach out to touch her, not wanting to scare her if she wasn’t yet aware of his presence. 

“Jules? Sweetheart?”

She didn’t look at him but finally acknowledged him. “I couldn’t do it. The idea that he’s seen me without my clothes on and that maybe he actually hurt me again made me feel so filthy that I had to try to wash off the feel. But I couldn’t take my shirt off no matter how much I needed to. I tried. I really did but every time I got close to being able to that fucking voice in my head kept whispering ‘what if he can see you even in here?’ and I couldn’t do it.”

He winced at her word choice. She could unleash some of the same harsh vocabulary they all could but the f-bomb wasn’t one she used unless she was truly at her lowest. He reached out and touched her hair, running his fingers through the wet tendrils. He had to force his own anger and fear aside and be strong for her. They couldn’t both fall apart at the same time. He didn’t think anyone would be able to reach them if they did. 

“It’s okay…”

She looked up at him, her eyes were red and puffy but she wasn’t crying at the moment. “No, it’s not okay. It’s so freaking far from okay that it’s more like yako. I feel violated all over again, Sam. Once again, just when I thought I was getting past what happened, I once more feel like a victim and I’m fucking sick of it. When does it stop? When does he stop getting to hurt me all over again in new ways? Did you hear me, Sam? I couldn’t even take off my damn shirt cause I was scared he might be watching. I mean damn it, how the hell would he have gotten into your apartment to leave cameras or some other shit like that? My head knows I’m safe and that he can’t hurt me here but still I couldn’t take off my shirt to take a damn shower. What the hell is wrong with me?”

He pulled her close to him, not caring if she got his chest or his sweatpants soaked in the process. Her body was shaking and he couldn’t decide if it was all emotional or if some of it had to do with the fact that she’d gone from superheated water to the ambient coolness of the bathroom. “Nothing is wrong with you, Jules. I’m sorry. I dropped a bomb on you in the worst possibly way and it’s no wonder you are reacting to it. It’s just one of those reactions we both know are going to happen from time to time. It doesn’t define you or make you weak. Just one more thing we have to get through.”

“I want it to be over. I want to be the person I was, not some sort of person who falls apart over something that’s already happened.”

“You aren’t the only one falling apart, Sweetheart.” Sam admitted. “I’ve been falling apart every since I ran into Dawson at the restaurant. And more and more I wish I had ran my fist into his face. But Jules, you know what’s kept me from completely losing it? You. You were there for me this evening when I needed it. Let me be there for you now. Let us be there for each other. Maybe separate we don’t do so well with all this but together we are so much stronger. Okay?”

Slowly she nodded. Sam kissed the top of her head. “We need to get you into something dry. You okay long enough for me to run get you something else to wear?”

Once again she nodded. “Will you get me a pair of sweats and one of your thick sweatshirts?”

The thought of wearing such a heavy garment seemed horrible as warm as it was but if it was what she needed to feel safe, Sam wasn’t going to argue. He gave her another what he hoped was a reassuring kiss. “Yeah, I can do that. I’ll be right back.” He released her and stood, grabbing a thick towel and handing it to her. “You can get dried off while I’m gone.”

Sam paused at the door to look back long enough to make sure that she was actually using the towel to dry herself off. She was, but he wasn’t surprised to see that she was almost hiding behind the fluffy material as much as using it for it’s real purpose. 

He made his way to the bedroom and took no time to retrieve a pair of her sweats from the bag they’d packed the first time they’d gone by the house after it had been cleared as a crime scene. It took him a little longer to pick out a sweatshirt. It wasn’t that he didn’t have plenty but he was looking for a certain one. He hoped it wasn’t at the house instead of in the apartment. It had been a gift from Matt’s grandmother the first Christmas the two men had been in Afghanistan. She’d never met him and only knew him because Matt was always talking about him in his letters home. So when she’d sent Matt his Christmas present, she’d sent something for Sam as well. Apparently Matt’s letter must have painted him as being larger than life because the sweatshirt was at least two sizes too big for him. He and Matt had joked about it for weeks afterward. For Sam, it had been a bittersweet joke because that oversized sweatshirt had been the only present he’d gotten in time for Christmas that year. His mother had been wrapped up taking care of a dying aunt and had thought the General had mailed the Christmas packages like she‘d asked him to. He hadn’t of course and because of that it had been almost February before Sam had gotten the gifts his mother had selected for him.

Now he figured the sweatshirt would be perfect for what Jules was looking for. It was thin so he didn’t think she’d get too hot in it but at the same time if it was big on him, it would absolutely swallow her whole. A feature he was pretty sure she was looking for more than anything. Opening his bottom drawer, he found what he was looking for. He felt a momentary pang of sadness as he remembered finally meeting the woman who had given it to him at Matt’s funeral. The elderly woman had clung to him the way she wouldn’t be able to cling to her grandson ever again. Pushing aside the memories, Sam grabbed the clothes and started back to the bathroom. Acting on a hunch, he stopped at the linen closet for one more thing before returning to Jules.

She’d wrapped the towel around herself like a blanket. She looked so small and fragile sitting on the floor of the bathroom huddled under the towel. So different from the way she normally appeared; he could only imagine how larger than life Matt could have made Jules seem in his letters home if he’d been able to know her. 

“Jules, I got the clothes.” He announced his presence once again. Kneeling beside her, he rested his gathered items in his lap as he reached out to once again run his fingers through her hair and caress her cheek. 

She nodded and after several slow agonizing seconds set the towel aside. Her hands were shaking as she reached for the hem of the t-shirt but didn’t go any further. Sam watched her, recognizing her breathing pattern as the one she used to try to control her emotions. He didn’t push her, allowing her to take the time she needed without pressuring her. 

Every time it appeared she was about to lift the clinging wet t-shirt, the shaking in her hands increased and she chewed on her bottom lip. After several tortuous minutes, she looked up at him with eyes pleading for him to understand. “I can’t do it. Again, I know in my head that he couldn’t be watching me in here but at the same time I can’t help but feel like his eyes are everywhere, watching every move I make. I swore I wasn’t going to be his victim again and now here I am huddled on the bathroom floor terrified at the prospect of getting undressed.”

“Maybe this will help.” Sam unfolded the large bed sheet and covered them both like it was a tent. There was just enough light that filtered through the material that allowed him to still see her. “I thought you might feel a little more comfortable if you could dress under the cover of something whether he has eyes in the apartment or not.”

Touched by his thoughtfulness, Jules leaned forward and kissed him. “Thank you. But I don’t think I can carry a sheet to hide under everywhere I go.”

Sam nodded. “I know but for now if it helps, go for it. I talk to Spike. He’s going to sweep the locker room at work, your house, and the apartment tomorrow. If he finds anything he’ll remove it and hopefully we can trace it back to Dawson and nail his ass. It won’t completely fix the past but hopefully it’ll make you feel better in the future. And for tonight, I don’t think you need anyone watching you dress so I’m going to duck out of here and give you privacy.”

He offered her the clothes and started to slip out from under the sheet. Instead of taking the clothes, Jules reached out and gripped his wrist. “You don’t scare me.”

He smiled at her and kissed her cheek. “I’m glad but I’m still giving you privacy. I’ll be right here when you get dressed.”

Under the safety of the sheet, it didn’t take Jules long to remove her wet t-shirt and slip into the all encompassing sweatshirt and sweatpants. By the time she was finished, the only parts of her body that were still showing were her head and feet since the sleeves of the sweatshirt came down over her hands. She let the sheet drop away and Sam helped her to her feet. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her but sensed she needed a moment to feel independent and strong despite her fears. 

So as they made their way back to the bedroom, Jules walked stiffly ahead. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be held; she did more than she cared to admit. There was just a part of her that needed to not to want to be held and to be strong on her own. Once in the bedroom she slid under the covers, welcoming the extra cover. Sam got into bed as well but kept well to his side, wanting to give her as much space as she needed to feel comfortable. However, as soon as he was settled, she scooted closer to him, entwining her arms around him and nestling her head on his chest. 

He twisted so he was lying on his side, cradling her against him comfortingly. One hand snaked under the impossibly large sweatshirt to lightly knead the muscles in her lower back. Slowly he began to feel her relax and in the quiet dark of the room, he thought she’d fallen asleep. He was surprised when she spoke.

“Sam, I’m glad Spike is checking for cameras. But we both know what it’ll mean if he doesn’t. I told you last night after we ran into him at HQ that I couldn’t shake the feeling he really was the one who hurt me. But if he did, did I kill a man for no reason?”

Sam sucked in his breath. He hadn’t expected her fears to take this direction. “Jules, you can’t think that. I won’t say I understand any of this anymore. Just when I think I’ve figured everything out, something changes and I realize I knew nothing. But this I do know: that guy broke into the attic, attacked you, and threatened to do unspeakable things to you. You managed to get away but he pursued you and you defended yourself. Even if he wasn’t the one who drugged and attacked you in the living room before that, you had ever reason to defend yourself. Don’t doubt that. Maybe he was working with your uncle.”

Jules shrugged. “I can’t see Johnny working with someone. He’s more the type to use someone for his own needs. What if he set that guy up to take the fall and made me his weapon?”

Sam reached up with the hand that wasn’t lightly massaging her back and gently lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eye. “Jules, don’t second guess yourself. Even if Johnny somehow used him, he wasn’t innocent by any stretch of the imagination. You heard what the detectives at SCU said; they believe this guy has raped and even killed many other women. Who knows how many women you saved from a similar fate. You can’t feel bad about that.”

They stared into each others eyes for several minutes before Jules finally nodded. Blinking sleepily, she settled back against his chest and relaxed in his embrace. As sleep finally started to pull her under she frowned and muttered miserably. “I just want this all to be over with.”

Sam sighed, feeling her body give in to sleep. “Me too. Me too.”


	61. Chapter 61

Jules attacked the red bell pepper on the cutting board as if it had personally offended her and the knife in her hand was the only way to make the vegetable atone for its sins. In plastic containers on the counter beside her were the cut up remnants of a green pepper and an onion that had already met a similar fate. This was more than just her taking a rare opportunity to indulge in cooking but more of an emotional release. Putting all her pent up aggression and frustration into slicing and dicing vegetable after vegetable until she either worked through what was bothering her or she ran out of vegetables, whichever came first. Right now it looked like it would be the later rather than the former.

Part of the problem was that she couldn’t or perhaps her mind wouldn’t work out just exactly what was bothering her the most. Sure she’d been on edge ever since Sam had told her the night before about Johnny knowing about her scars. She’d thought she was through being surprised by anything her uncle could do but the knowledge that he had intimate knowledge of her body that he shouldn’t have had nearly thrown her to the edge of her emotional ability to handle. Still, Sam had been there in his usual understanding way. There for her without pushing her, accepting if not completely understanding her need to hide as much of herself as she could overnight. Had even seemed to understand her need to regain a semblance of independence the recent events had threatened to take away from her. In the cocooning safety of his arms and under what seemed like mountains of layer of clothing shielding her, she’d been able to voice some of her fears to which Sam did his best to reassure her before she fell asleep. 

Her dreams overnight hadn’t been pleasant. It seemed like the image of Johnny smiling that sardonic grin was forever imprinted in her brain every time she closed her eyes. She’d been haunted by image after image of every possibility of how Johnny could have known about her scars, each one more horrific than the one before it. Fortunately, as bad as the dreams were, she’d managed not to wake Sam up. He’d been through enough himself and she was pretty sure he was dealing with his own nightmares and was glad not to burden him with hers as well. Even if he would swear it wasn’t a burden at all.

After she transferred the cut up red pepper into a third plastic container, she retrieved a yellow pepper and started her culinary assault on it as well. She frowned. The morning light hadn’t changed much of what she was feeling. When she, Sam and Spike had arrived at HQ, the fill-ins for Raf and Ed, which today would be Donna and George, had given her odd looks to see her dressed in long sleeves given the weather but they hadn’t said anything. Greg had simply raised a questioning eyebrow, seeking reassurance that she was okay. She’d hovered at the dispatcher’s desk, unable to bring herself to enter the locker room right away. Sam had given her arm a reassuring squeeze as he filled Sarge in on their discovery while Spike retrieved the necessary surveillance equipment to scan the locker room. Jules only took half as many breaths as she’d normally would have in the time it took him to thoroughly check for any cameras. When the search proved fruitless, Jules hadn’t known whether to feel relieved or upset. At least a camera there would have limited his exposure to seeing her and irrationally she could feel a little better knowing it had happened weeks ago.

The day itself had been relatively uneventful. The one hot call they had responded to had been a disgruntled employee enraged by his sudden dismissal from his job. Greg had been able to successfully talk him down after about thirty minutes of negotiations and nobody had been injured. Perhaps a busier day would have kept her mind from roaming back to topics she’d rather not think about but it seemed almost selfish to wish trouble on the city just so she’d be too busy to think about her own problems. Instead, she’d tried to busy herself with mundane inventory tasks around HQ which, while it kept her hands busy, didn’t give her mind much to dwell on. She’d never been so glad for the end of a shift to arrive. 

Because of his duties filling in as TL while Ed was on medical leave, Sam wasn’t able to leave with the rest of them. A meeting had been called on the grant money at the last minute. He hadn’t looked thrilled with the prospect but couldn’t say no. So Jules and Spike had left work together, the latter taking the equipment necessary to check the apartment and her house for surveillance equipment as well. They’d stopped at the apartment first and it had taken Spike close to an hour to say without any doubt at all that the apartment was clear.

The yellow pepper went into another container and Jules figured they’d be eating stir fry vegetables for weeks with the amount she was cutting up. She retrieved a bunch of carrots from the fridge and started scraping them. Setting one scraped carrot on the cutting board, Jules swiped at the hint of moisture forming in the corner of her eye. She’d blame the onion she’d cut up earlier if anyone came in and questioned it but she couldn’t fool herself. Her eyes had stayed completely dry while cutting up the harsh vegetable.

No, her current misty condition had more to do with her aggravation at herself than anything else and truth be told was the real reason she was currently trying to make a one person attempt at vegetable genocide. After Spike had declared the apartment free of any spy cameras, he’d been ready to head to Jules’s house to make sure it too was still camera free as well. It was clear he was expecting her to come with him. Despite all of her bravado after the attack about returning to her own home and even though it was still what she wanted to do now, she couldn’t bring herself to go to the house she loved and poured her sweat into renovating. She’d sent him on his task alone, telling him that Wordy would be there finishing up the floor in the bedroom. 

Angrily she slashed at the scrapped carrots. She was mad at herself for not having the guts to go with him. She could say all day long that she was through being a victim and that she was tough enough to handle anything that came her way but when it came down to going to her own home with a friend knowing another friend was already there, she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly why but that was probably why she was so mad at herself more than anything. She loved her house and the idea that anything could keep her from it-- no, that she’d let anything keep her from it, outraged her to the point that she wondered if it made sense to run to the store and buy a few more vegetables to cut up.

“Ouch, Shit, ouch. Damn it.” A slight slip of the knife and drops of blood hit the cutting board. Dropping the knife on the board, she pulled her injured finger away and automatically stuffed it in her mouth as her eyes went from slightly misty to outright teary. She slapped the water faucet on and then stuck the wounded appendage under the warm water. Red mixed with clear for a couple of minutes but fortunately Sam didn’t keep his knives as razor sharp as she kept hers and the cut was minor. 

When the water was once more clear, she removed her finger from the running water and dried it off. Still muttering curses, she grabbed a band aid from the cabinet. The last thing she needed was any more injuries on top of the ones that were still healing. After taking care of the wound, she cleaned up the mess she’d made of the cutting board and the carrot she’d been in the middle of chopping when her finger got in the way. Then she washed the knife off and finished up with the remaining carrots, taking more care to keep her fingers away from the blade. 

Once she put the carrots in a fifth container she looked at her handiwork. Cut finger aside, she had enough vegetables cut to make a really good stir fry for the four of them for supper with more than enough left over but it would be nice to have some meat to add to it. She reached for her new cell phone and sent Sam a quick text message.

**Can you pick up some chicken on your way home?**

A moment later the reply came back. **Sure, you want it fried, baked, BBQ, or sweet & sour? **

Jules couldn’t help but laugh. They’d gotten so used to picking up take-out that it never occurred to Sam that she meant something else. She reached for her phone again. **Raw. I’m cooking tonight. Stir fry.**

She could imagine what his exaggerated reaction would be if she’d been there to witness it. Though she cooked on occasion, it almost never happened when they were working and even their days off lately she’d been too caught up in everything that was going on to do much in the way of actual cooking. 

**Everything okay?** Jules frowned as she read his reply. It told her that they’d both been too bothered by what she was going through. Ordinarily he’d have sent back some sort of joke. But he’d been around her enough to know about her penchant for destroying vegetables when something was bothering her. They’d eaten a lot of stir fry as she’d recovered from her gunshot wound. She’d cut up a garden’s worth of vegetables while worrying about whether she would requalify for her place on the team and contemplating the fate of her relationship with Sam. Was he worried that with all the turmoil, her thoughts were once more turning in that direction? Surely he knew that she wouldn’t have stood a chance of making it through the last couple of weeks without him. She’d learned her lesson about trying to make her life make sense without him. Even if things got more difficult than they already were, she wouldn’t let him go again, make that couldn’t let him go.

**All is good. Just releasing pent up energy. Meeting over?**

**Finally. Ed can have this part of the job. Be home soon. Love you.**

There was a sharp rap at the door. Two quick staccato knocks then nothing else. She sent a quick love you back and set the phone on the counter. Wiping her hands on a dish towel, she made her way over to the door. She stood on her tiptoes to peek through the peephole. She frowned and opened the door. 

She stared at the visitor, with her expression unreadable and her arms crossed over her chest. This was the last person she’d expected to see on the other side of the door. She raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing here?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Sam parked the jeep in a spot in the parking garage and picked up the plastic bag that held the boneless chicken breasts that Jules had asked for. He was worried about her. Spike had sent him a text message after checking the apartment to let him know that it was clear and that he was going to the house to do the same there. After an exchange of texts, Sam realized that Jules had opted not to go with their friend. That was so unJules-like that he’d almost left the meeting right then and there. Only knowing that Ed was counting on him to do the job of tactical leader as well as he would kept him in his seat. Still, as soon as the meeting broke up he’d been ready to hit the door. That’s when he’d gotten Jules’s text about picking up the chicken. The fact that she was cooking worried him even more. It wasn’t that she couldn’t or didn’t cook; she was a hell of a better cook than he’d ever be, but it was just easier to pick up take out when they were working to save time and energy. Clean up was a lot less time consuming as well.

He was starting to feel like he was reaching his breaking point, especially after his run in the day before with Dawson. If he, who had only suffered peripherally as he watched the woman he loved suffer, couldn’t take much more, how much worse must it be for Jules? He wished he could just take her away somewhere far away from everything that was going on and shield her from any more pain. If he’d could, he’d request more time off for them both and take her back to Halton just so they could take some time to regroup and feel on more solid footing. But he couldn’t do that to Sarge and the rest of the team. Not while both Raf and Ed were off on medical leave. The best he could hope to do was to wait until the next time they had a couple of days off and have everything loaded and ready to go as soon as they got off shift. He’d have to double check the calendar to see when they’d have the days off without being on call as back up and make a reservation. 

He made his way upstairs to the apartment. The door was slightly ajar which was unusual; Jules was almost fanatical about keeping doors closed and locked. His hand automatically went to his waist for the gun that wasn’t there. The closet thing he had to a weapon was the grocery bag of cut chicken breasts and he doubted it would be much of a match for any intruder. He frowned and contemplated calling for back up. He stopped just short of reaching for his cell phone. If the door was open because of some innocent mistake and he called in the Calvary; he’d never hear the end of it, especially from Jules herself. So instead, he eased the door opened quietly so as not to alert whoever was inside of his presence. Before Sam could step inside, he could hear Jules’s voice . She sounded pissed off but not like she was in some sort of danger.

“How could you seriously ask me something like that? Have you lost your mind?”

“What else am I supposed to think, coming here and seeing you like that?”

Recognizing the voice, Sam forgot out any thought of being stealthy. He flung open the door. “What the hell are you doing here?” 

He came into the apartment and dropped his purchase on the counter among the containers of what he was pretty sure was every possible vegetable Jules had gotten her hands on. He put his now free hands on his hips just to keep from lashing out with all the pent up anger he hadn’t had the luxury of taking out on unsuspecting vegetables. 

The newcomer turned around, an imposing figure on any day but who currently seemed more imposing than ever. With a frown, he gave his head a slight jerk to indicate Jules who was leaning against the back of the couch looking ready to chew the head of someone or everyone. “Is that anyway to talk to your father, Samuel? You’ve got some explaining to do.”


	62. Chapter 62

“I have some explaining to do?” Sam’s mouth was a straight line. “What are you even doing here?”

“Can you even explain that?” Again General Braddock nodded toward Jules.

Sam could feel his blood pressure rising. It was one thing for the General to treat his feelings with disregard. He’d lived his whole life or at least his life after age 9 and his sister’s death, knowing that he’d had and would continue to disappoint his father, but he’d be damned if he would stand there and let the older man refer to Jules so callously. “SHE is my girlfriend and happens to be the woman I love more than anything in the world. You don’t have to agree with my choices and you certainly don’t have to like it but you will respect that I get to decide who I love and who I want to spend my life with. And you will not come into my--into OUR-- home and treat her with anything less than civility.”

“Samuel,” there was a warning in the tone of voice the General used. A tone Jules could imagine Sam had grown up hearing all his life. A tone that should have been reserved for disciplining errant soldiers, grown men who’d gone through boot camp and knew to expect dressing downs for every infraction. Not a tone that should ever have been used when talking to impressionable little boys growing up wanting their father’s approval. “I’ll admit there were certain actions I expected you to take when I met with you last. Actions that would have been appropriate given the information I gave you concerning this young woman…”

Jules paled. Suddenly she remembered the way Sam had met her at the door kissing her as if there were no tomorrow the night he’d returned from dinner with his father. Remembered the way he’d been obviously upset by something the General had said; how he’d alluded to the fact that it had been about her but that he hadn’t been ready to talk about it. The next day she’d been attacked and the conversation had never come up again. “What information did you give him?” Her voice was quiet, almost devoid of emotion.

The imposing man glanced her way, almost surprised to hear her speak. It was as if he’d even forgotten that she was a living, breathing person in the room with him and Sam. “Do you really need to hear your past mistakes recounted?”

“Dad…” Sam’s voice held the same warning the General had used with him. It almost startled Jules cause she’d never heard him sound almost dangerous. She glanced from the elder Braddock to the man she loved and back again. The negotiator in her screamed at her to diffuse the situation before it blew up in her face. Experience told her this was a situation almost as volatile as any bomb Spike had ever had to disarm. 

Her training told her to put a stop to all of this before someone got hurt but her training took a backseat to the woman in her that had reached the point that enough was enough. Shooting an apologetic look toward Sam, she chewed on her bottom lip before answering his father. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

The imposing man frowned, obviously not used to someone questioning him so openly. “You wouldn’t be the first woman who used her feminine wiles to talk a man into doing something he shouldn’t. I’ve seen many potentially good soldiers throw their careers away after being steered in the wrong direction by the woman they claimed to love. But to use seduction as a technique to convince a young man to take a life and then to take sole responsibility in that murder? That’s got to be the lowest. While he’s languishing in jail, you were free to live your life free of blame. Able to carve out quite the life of being a respected, law abiding officer in an elite squad. Have you felt a moment of shame?”

Sam’s jaw rocked as he watched Jules almost fold up in on herself. Her arms wrapped around her body as tightly as she could and it was almost as if the General’s words had hit her like a physical blow to the stomach. He wanted to go to her, wanted to wrap her in his arms and assure her that nothing his father had heard or believed meant anything. It was what he wanted to do but at the same time, he felt rooted to his spot near the kitchen island. So instead, his eyes pleaded with her not to listen. 

Jules nodded, but neither she nor Sam were actually sure what she was nodding about. Was she answering the verbal question posed by General Braddock or Sam’s unspoken pleading? “So, that’s what he told you that night the two of you had dinner. Why you were so upset when I got home. It wasn’t enough that Johnny tried to turn my own father against me and landed him in a hospital with a massive heart attack. Wasn’t enough that he tried to spew his version of reality to the head prosecutor in the Hat. He had to try to do the same to your family as well?”

Now Sam felt like he’d been punched in the gut. She hadn’t said anything about the prosecutor. He took solace in the fact that since she hadn’t been forced to say anything, Johnny’s attempt to implicate her in her mother’s death hadn’t been successful but he hated that he’d even been able to try. That wasn’t what was important now though. “Jules…”

She shook her head. She didn’t need him to remind her that Sam hadn’t believed the lies. Didn’t need him to remind her of his assurances that night that it didn’t matter what his father believed as long as Sam himself knew the truth. She trusted Sam implicitly and knew his feelings for her hadn’t wavered in the slightest with everything that had happened. She just hated that Johnny had used her to try to drive a wedge further into the already shaky relationship Sam had with his father. She pushed away from the back of the couch and went to stand by the window, needing a moment to collect her thoughts.

General Braddock looked at his son, his eyes dark and piercing. “I don’t care how upset you were or what mistakes the girl made in her younger days. You never raise your hand to a woman. There’s never a call for that kind of baseless violence. Those bruises on her face; to think my son was capable of being that much of a coward. I expected better. I won‘t bail you out of this mess; this time you will have to reap the consequences of your own actions.”

Sam couldn’t catch his breath. “Raise my… Violence…. You think I… Coward?”

Jules turned from her spot at the window, the shock obvious on her features. “You think Sam is the one who hurt me? Of all the asinine..”

Warren Braddock ignored Jules’s outburst and squared off against his son. “Your commanding officer called me and told me you were being investigated for assault charges against your girlfriend. I had to come see for myself. You’ve been a disappointment to me many times in your life but I didn’t think even you were capable of screwing up this much. I’m ashamed to admit you are my son. I raised you better than this.”

Sam picked up the nearest object off the counter he could find, the sugar jar that someone, probably Natalie, had left on the edge from fixing their morning coffee, and flung it across the room. It crashed and shattered into the wall next to his bedroom door. White granules mixed with the broken glass as it settled on the floor. “Raised me? You didn’t do shit to raise me. I never laid a hand on Jules. I wouldn’t, couldn’t… Shit… Jules, I’m sorry.” 

Jules took a step closer to him. She knew what he was apologizing for and it scared her more than what the General thought Sam had done sickened her. One thing they had in common, one of the things that should have made their relationship rocky but instead seemed to strengthen it, was that when they felt trapped, they quickly slipped into a flight or fight reflex that wasn’t going to be pretty either outcome. The difference was that Jules tended to go straight in the direction of the fight response while Sam went for flight as if he didn’t trust himself to fight back. 

Before Jules could take more than a couple of steps in his direction, Sam turned and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him so hard that it bounced right back open. Calling his name, Jules ran after him stopping in time to see him round the corner. A second later she heard a strangled cry of frustration mixed with anger and pain and figured the closed elevator door had taken the brunt of his rage. Slowly she turned back to General Braddock, her brown eyes smoldering coals of anger.

“How the hell did you make General with shit for brains?”

The man’s lower jaw dropped. He wasn’t accustomed to anyone speaking to him in such a way. “Excuse me?”

“Do you even know your son? Because trust me, I do. Sam didn’t give me these bruises. In fact, without him, I truly believe I wouldn’t have gotten through these last couple of weeks. Do you even have an inking as to what a wonderful kind and compassionate son you were graced with? Or have you’ve spent all these years too jaded by things that happened that were out of his and your control that you really don’t see the real Sam?”

General Braddock bristled. “I don’t know need you to tell me about my son.”

“Don’t you?” Jules continued. She closed the gap between her and Sam’s father, jabbing her finger at his chest. “Because any man who could believe his son, who’s never given any indication of being capable of the type of violence you are talking about, doesn’t sound like much of a father. I’m just saying.”

“What else am I supposed to think? His commander calls me and tells me about the investigation; I show up here and see the proof on your face; and you admit he was upset that day. You’re an officer, isn’t that what you would consider damning evidence?”

She shook her head, breathing hard. “There is no way either Sarge or Commander Holleran called you because Sam is not under any kind of investigation. He didn’t hurt me; wouldn’t and couldn’t hurt me. Yeah he was upset after his dinner with you. Upset that the man who hurt me could tell such vicious lies and upset that you would believe the worst when you hadn’t even met me. It upset him so much that he couldn’t even tell me exactly what the two of you talked about because he didn’t want to see me hurt by the lies.”

General Braddock frowned. “The man that hurt you?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, the man I supposedly seduced. The man who threatened me if I didn’t cooperate with what he wanted to do with me. The man who stole so much of my innocence at age 16 that what he left me with didn’t really matter. The man who decided my ‘performance’ didn’t meet his expectations and gutted a kitten and left it’s bloody remains on my pillow for me to find as punishment. If that wasn’t bad enough, he showed up the next night and repeatedly stabbed my mother who was incidentally, his own sister. Then he was ready to finish the job he’d started with me the night before. The only thing that saved me from worse abuse was that my mom managed to get my dad’s gun and use her depleting life’s strength to rescue me. And how did she get rewarded for her efforts? He stabbed her in the heart right there in front of me. If that’s your idea of seduction then you’re more twisted than I thought.”

She was almost shaking as she finished her tirade and only part of it was because of her anger. It was the most she’d ever told a virtual stranger about what had happened to her all those years ago. Her anger was obviously making her lips looser than normal. She didn’t know what she expected from General Braddock but it wasn’t the look of horror that was now crossing his face. 

“You were sexually assaulted by your uncle?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, only I never told anyone about that part. At least until Sam came along and slowly got me to open up about what happened. I was too embarrassed and humiliated and scared to admit the horrors of what he did to me to talk about it before. But he got out of jail and he wasn’t content to just let me live the life he’d left me with. He’s been trying to make like life a living hell since he was released. The day after your dinner with Sam, someone came into our house, drugged and assaulted me much the same way my uncle did twenty years ago. I thought it was him and then my house was broken into a second time and this time I was able to kill the man who was trying to hurt me. The man who caused the bruises you were so quick to blame on Sam. The only thing is now I don’t know if he was responsible for both attacks or just the last one. Through it all though Sam has been right there for me, taking my shit when it gets too much for me to handle and never complaining. The last thing he deserves is you coming in here and accusing him of hurting me.”

General Braddock moved to the couch and sank into the cushions. He shook his head. “Why couldn’t he tell me that instead of flying out of here like he did?”

Jules moved to the chair and sat as well. “Why should he have to defend himself to you or anyone else? The things you were accusing him of…” She trailed off shuddering.

“It seems like all of our conversations the last few years have ended more in arguments than discussions. It was so much easier when he was younger.”

Jules frowned. “Why? Because he was easier to order around? He’s not a soldier in one of your units. He gets to make his own decisions.”

The General shook his head. “I’ve only wanted the best for him. But it‘s like he has to fight me at every turn.”

“No, you want what you think is best for him because it matches up with some sort of plan you have. That’s not always the same thing.” Jules argued. “My dad wasn’t that thrilled when I decided to become a cop. Wanted me to pick some nice tame job where I wouldn’t be in danger. He wasn’t thrilled but he didn’t try to stop me cause he knew it was what I wanted to do. He didn’t try to bully me into doing his will like you try to do with Sam.”

Warren Braddock’s eyes flashed with undisguised anger. “Don’t sit there an act like you know anything about my relationship with my son. You don’t know anything about it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I do. I’ve seen the pain and frustration on Sam’s face every time he comes back from spending time with you. The disappointment he feels because he feels like once more he’s disappointed you. Doesn’t matter what he does; he could do everything you ask of him and it wouldn’t be enough because he can’t do the one thing you really want him to do.”

“And what would that be since you think you know so much?” The almost demeaning way he asked the question told Jules she’d hit a nerve. 

“He can’t go back in time and prevent Carrie from dying that day on the way to the park. You’ve never forgiven him for not doing more to save her.”

The General shook his head. “That’s not true. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish Carrie hadn’t died but I do not blame Sam. He was just a kid; what could he have done?”

“You tell him.” Jules warned. “Not a day has gone by that he hasn’t felt like you blame him for Carrie’s death; felt like you wished he’d either died with her or in place of her.”

Now it was his turn to look sucker-punched. “That can’t be true. I lost a child that day and only by some miracle that I don’t know that I believe in, I didn’t lose two. His mother wanted to moddle-coddle him but I disagreed, thought it was best to treat him like everything was fine. Hell, maybe I did lose both of them that day cause I don’t think Sam was ever the same. If he believed I blamed him then I guess he wasn’t. Why didn’t he ever say anything?”

“Would you have listened?” Her tone softened the sting of her words only slightly. The General looked at her.

“I’m leaving. Sorry I disrupted your day.” He was halfway to the door when Jules’s voice stopped him.

“Just like that, you’re leaving? And you called Sam a coward?”

Braddock didn’t answer but left without a backwards glance. Jules went immediately to her cell phone and dialed Sam’s cell. She tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for him to pick up. But instead, it went to his voice mail. She frowned.

“Sam, it’s me. Call me when you get this. I get if you need some time just let me know you’re okay. I love you.” She hung up the phone and looked at the mess left on the floor from where Sam had thrown the sugar container. She knew she should clean it up but at that moment didn’t really care. Instead she went around the counter to the cutting board and reached for the bag Sam had brought in. She didn’t have any more vegetables but she could release some of that anger on the chicken breasts she’d requested. 

She wanted to hate Sam’s father the way she hated Johnny but she couldn’t. As angry as she was at how the man had upset Sam, she also felt pity for him. She couldn’t argue that General Braddock certainly wasn’t a candidate for Father of the Century but she also couldn’t believe that he was intentionally cruel. He just wasn’t a man who knew how to balance the job where he had to be tough and no-nonsense with his family life with kids that needed to see a fallible and human father. It didn’t change Sam’s hurt or make things better but she couldn’t vilify him either.

She glanced at her phone as if by looking at it she could will it to ring. She knew it wouldn’t happen; she knew Sam too well. If he was upset, and there was no doubt that he was, he would be on his bike driving until he either ran out of gas or ran out of anger. While on his bike, he wouldn’t be able to hear his phone ring and wouldn’t answer it even if he did. She’d have to hope that he stopped somewhere along his ride and would call her then. Still didn’t make it any easier to wait. 

The apartment door opened and she looked up, hopeful but not really expecting it to be Sam returning so soon. Still, she muttered a curse when Spike stepped inside. He looked at her expression, the intensity behind her cuts to the chicken breast, and then at the broken glass and spilled sugar on the floor. He frowned.

“Obviously I missed something. You okay?”

Jules gave the knife a toss across the counter and shook her head, her lower lip quivering. Spike crossed the room in an instant and held her loosely. She buried her head in his shirt as the tears fell unashamedly down her cheeks. Spike wasn’t used to seeing this side of his normally unflappable friend but he knew he had to be there for her the way she’d been there for him after his father died. 

After a few minutes of giving in to her tears, she leaned back and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Sorry.”

Spike hoped his worry wasn’t as evident as he was afraid it was. He forced a smile that he was sure didn’t meet his eyes. “Weren’t you the one who once told me there was no need for apologies among friends? Not like this has been the easiest time for you. If you need to use my shirt as a sponge, it’s yours every time.”

Her answering smile also didn’t meet her eyes. “Thanks.”

He nodded and then indicated the mess on the floor. “Want to explain? If not, that’s okay too.”

“Sam’s father was here.”

“Oh.” Spike’s one word answer said no other explanation was needed. He’d never met the man but had heard both Natalie and Sam talk about him enough to feel like he knew him well. “Sam know he was here?”

Jules nodded and indicated the glass and sugar on the floor. “It didn’t go well.”

“Need me to see if I can track him down?” Spike knew Sam almost as well as she did. 

She shook her head. “Not yet. I think he just needs some time. If he needs to go off the grid for a few hours I can’t blame him.” Couldn’t blame him but couldn’t stop worrying either.

“Alright.” Spike glanced at the containers and the cut up chicken. “This looks suspiciously like someone is planning on cooking. I’m right, aren’t I? What’s the menu? I’ll eat anything mind you. At the risk of her boxing my ears from across the ocean, some days what I miss most about my ma is her home cooked meals.”

Jules sniffled and shrugged. “Just some stir fry.”

Spike’s smile widened. “Sounds awesome. And to show you just how awesome I think it is that you are going to cook, I’ll even clean up the mess on the floor.”

As he pulled away, Jules reached out and gave his arm a squeeze. “Thanks, Spike. The house? Was it…?”

“Clear and by the way, the floor in your bedroom looks amazing. Wordy said to tell you he’ll be finished tonight and all that will be left is moving stuff back in.”

Without comment, Jules pulled the big skillet from a cabinet under the counter and set it on the stove. Every place was clear. That meant Johnny had gotten his information about her scars in some other manner. There was only one way she could think of that he could have seen her scars and her not know about it. She suppressed the desire to take another shower. She knew there was nothing a shower could physically do to make her feel any more comfortable with the thoughts in her head and she hoped by acknowledging it and not giving in to the feeling she was inching one step closer to dealing with the situation productively. At least that would be the argument she gave herself every time she turned toward the bathroom ready to give in to the desire.

As if sensing her thoughts, Spike touched her shoulder as he retrieved the broom and dustpan from it’s hidey hole. “Hey Jules. Whatever Dawson did, whatever he has planned, he’s not going to succeed. Got it?”

She smiled her thanks and nodded. 

Nat arrived home around the same time that the stir fry was finished. Spike and Natalie both dug into their food eagerly but Jules barely picked at hers as she continued to glance at her silent cell phone hoping Sam would call. He’d been gone at least an hour, enough time for him to have cooled off at least enough to realize she’d called and was probably worried about him. 

As she helped herself to seconds, Natalie frowned at her brother’s girlfriend. “Has something else happened? You cooked and Sam isn’t here to eat it. You keep looking at your phone like it’s a snake or something. There’s got to be more to that story.”

Jules sighed. “Your father came by this afternoon.”

Nat nodded and speared a piece of yellow pepper with her fork and put it in her mouth. After chewing and swallowing, she looked at Jules. “Let me guess. Sam flew off half cocked at something Dad said.”

She sounded so unsympathetic, Jules couldn’t help but feel herself getting irritated. “Don’t paint Sam out to be the bad guy here. You didn’t hear what your father accused him of.”

Nat shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong. I know Dad can be difficult. He drives me completely batty at times too but Sam always takes everything Dad says way too personally. It’s almost like he enjoys letting Dad push his buttons. Sometimes Sam needs to chill out and not let Dad get to him.”

Jules narrowed her eyes. “Your father accused him of hurting me. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of Sam to get upset about something like that.”

Spike’s eyes widened. It was the first he’d heard about what exactly had transpired earlier and he was glad he hadn’t been there to see it first hand. They all knew how much Sam cared about Jules and he could just imagine how hurt he’d been that anyone, especially his own father, could think he was responsible for causing Jules any pain.

“And if anyone else had suggested that he’d hurt you, Sam would have set them straight and be done with it. But he can’t do that with Dad. He’s always been like that. Dad gives me just as hard a time but we don’t have near as many fights about it as he and Sam do.”

“Maybe it’s different with girls and their dads.” Spike suggested, not really wanting to get in the middle of what could potentially be an argument between his girlfriend and his friend. “But I can tell you from experience with my own father that his opinion matters more than probably anybody else’s. I get where Sam’s coming from here and rational or not, it makes sense. At least it does to me.”

“Me too.” Jules agreed. “I watched four older brothers grow up and sometimes it was like they had a different father than I did. Especially Peter. They get along great now but when Peter was around seventeen and eighteen it sometimes got really ugly.”

“I think you misjudge Sam on how much he’d be affected by someone, anyone, accusing him of hurting Jules.” Spike continued. “I think the idea of it would pretty much make him physically ill to think about it.”

Nothing more was really said about the situation as they finished eating. Spike volunteered to wash the dishes since Jules did the cooking but she declined, saying she needed something to do with her hands. Spike and Nat settled on the couch watching a movie that was just coming on as Jules started in on the dishes. She washed everything and even after she was finished, she took her time washing off the counter and cleaning out the already clean coffee pot so it would be ready for brewing in the morning. 

Minutes dragged on and soon it had been almost two and a half hours after Sam had stormed out of the apartment. Jules knew he needed the time and didn’t begrudge him taking it but at the same time she couldn’t help but worry. It seemed like bad things happened when they weren’t together. This time she wasn’t worried about herself but for him. 

When someone pounded almost frantically on the apartment door, Jules couldn’t help but feel her heart pound equally hard in her chest. Wiping off her hands she went to the door, feeling a moment of deju vu as she peered through the peephole once again. She frowned when she saw it was Rhonda standing on the other side, almost wringing her hands.

She opened the door and the other woman seemed happy to see her. “Rhonda, is something wrong?”

She nodded. “It’s JD. He’s hurt bad. I tried to convince him to let me take him to the hospital but he said no.”

Spike and Natalie joined them at the door. Spike frowned; he never liked the almost histrionics Rhonda went into over every little thing. “Did you consider that maybe he doesn’t think he needs a hospital. Maybe it’s not really that bad.”

She shook her head frantically. “No, it really is. Someone beat him up so bad I don’t think he’s breathing right. He couldn’t even get home on his own. He called me to come pick him up but insisted I bring him home instead of a hospital. Please. You two are cops. Can’t you check on him and encourage him to go to the hospital if it’s as bad as I think it is?”

Jules and Spike exchanged a look. If he was hurt as badly as Rhonda suggested, why wouldn’t he want to go to the hospital? Unless he was afraid of the repercussions. Spike sighed. “Okay, we’ll take a look but we’re cops and not medics. We can encourage him to file a report and get help but there’s not much else we can do to really help him.”

Rhonda nodded, her head reminding Spike of one of the bobbing dog heads he’d seen in people’s cars. They followed her down the hall and waited as she knocked on the door and announced herself. She let herself in, rushing to the couch where her latest love interest was lying with his arm draped over his eyes as if to shield them from the light in the apartment.

“JD, I brought Nat’s boyfriend and brother’s girlfriend. They’re cops and maybe you’ll listen to them when they say you need to see a doctor.”

“Geesh, Rhonda, I told you I don’t need a doctor. I certainly don’t need the cops in my business.”

“It’s okay sir. We’re with the Police Strategic Response Unit.” Jules insisted. “Rhonda’s pretty worried about you. How about we take a look and see if you really do need a doctor or not. She said someone beat you up. If you’d like to file a report, we can help you with that.”

The man lowered his arm and sat up slightly. His face was severely battered and looked like someone had used it as a punching bag. Jules gasped and Spike stepped between her and the man protectively. JD chuckled.

“Somehow JAC, I don’t think you’d want to help me file a report on the person who did this to me. Not since it happened to be that Golden Boy you call a boyfriend.”


	63. Chapter 63

“Sam?” Rhonda was the first in the room to find her voice after Johnny’s announcement. “You think Sam Braddock did this to you?”

“No, I KNOW he’s the one who did this. I got quite a good look at him as he was beating my brains in. Not something you forget easily.” Johnny grimaced in pain as he shifted on the couch. Rhonda was instantly at his side trying to make him more comfortable and once more urging him to let them take him to the hospital. 

“Spike?” Nat’s voice was quiet and full of questions. Questions she didn’t voice but the computer expert heard loud and clear as if she’d actually spoken. What was going on? Why would this guy accuse Sam? How did they know the guy that had just moved in?

He glanced at Jules. She hadn‘t moved since he‘d stepped in front of her. Her expression was completely blank and he wondered if the surprise of seeing the man who had hurt her, who was still finding ways to make her life a nightmare, had thrown her into shock. He had to do something. “Nat, take Jules back to the apartment. Lock the door -- deadbolt and chain. Don‘t open it for anyone but me.”

Nat nodded even though she still didn’t understand exactly what was going on. She wanted explanations as to what was going on. Even though everything in her wanted to protest that she wasn’t going anywhere until someone explained to her how anyone could think her brother was responsible for the carnage that used to be someone’s face. And she was about to do just that when she recognized the expression on Spike’s face, even though she’d only seen it once before. He was looking at JD much the same way he’d glared at David after thinking the rest of the team had been blown up at the evidence depot that afternoon all those months ago. The look of almost pure hatred directed at the man who had been beaten chilled her to the very bone and spurred her into action. She stepped toward Jules and gently tried to lead the other woman away. 

“Come on, Jules.”

But Jules ignored her and continued to stand there, her eyes fixed on the man who had caused her so much pain, the man who was still causing her pain. She was conscious of making her breathing regular and light, her sniper breathing. She didn’t want anyone, especially not Johnny to know just how affected she was by his accusations. How could things get any worse? First Sam gets accused of hurting her and now this? How could he?

Spike had turned his attention back to Dawson when he realized Nat was going to acquiesce to his wishes. When he realized he hadn’t heard the door open or close behind him, he glanced back and frowned realizing Jules was not leaving the apartment. “Jules, it’s okay. I’ll handle things here.”

She slightly shook her head. Though she knew Spike had her best interests at heart, she wasn’t going to run and hide while someone else had to “handle” her problems. And Johnny was her problem, a problem who seemed determined to make not only her life miserable but also the lives of those closest to her. Perhaps if she’d handled her problem better twenty years ago, he wouldn’t be causing Sam so much trouble now. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Maybe it wasn’t too late to rectify that mistake.

She paled at the sudden turn her thoughts had taken. Over the years-- especially her adult years as her marksmanship had improved due to her job, she‘d often wondered what would have happened if her aim had been just a little lower and just a little more to the right but was she seriously contemplating murder? She’d confided in Sam the night Patches was locked in the attic that she was just as much a monster as Johnny. Despite his attempts to assure her she was completely wrong, this sudden desire to see the man dead seemed to reinforce those earlier fears. 

Spike’s frown deepened. He could almost hear Sam screaming through some imaginary comm link in his ear for him to get Jules out of harm’s way. Not that he needed Sam to tell him it was better for Jules to not be in the same room with Dawson. What he did need was advice on how to convince his headstrong friend what was best for her when it seemed clear she wasn’t going to admit it to herself. 

“Jules, please. Go with Nat. Call Sarge.” Spike lowered his voice so that only Jules could hear him. “If Dawson really is going to try to pin this on Sam, things are going to blow up quickly. Sarge needs to know what’s going on so he can help protect Sam as much as possible. You want to help Sam, right?”

Jules’s eyes never left Johnny, especially as Spike’s focus was completely on her. She wanted to remind him that you didn’t turn your back on a dangerous animal, even if it was a wounded one, probably especially then. She knew Spike was just looking out for her in that sweet overprotective brother role that he did as well as any of her blood-related brothers could. But as Ridge, Mark, Peter, and James could attest, she’d never been a little sister that was easy to look out for. 

Her tone, once she found her voice, held an edge she usually reserved for only the most difficult and, in her mind at least, most unsympathetic subjects. “Sam’s not going to need protecting because he didn’t do this. This is just another of Johnny’s desperate attempts to cause trouble.”

Nat gasped. She knew enough about what had happened to Jules to recognize the name. This was the uncle who had assaulted Jules as a teenager? And he’d been living down the hall for them for days now? She shuddered to think that she’d been in a room alone with the man capable of sexually assaulting a teenage girl. 

“JAC, does my face look like I’m making this up? You sure know how to pick ‘em, Little Girl.”

Jules took a step closer toward her uncle, forcing Spike to take a couple of steps backward in order to continue to be a barrier between her and the man on the couch. She narrowed her eyes and shifted her focus just slightly to include Spike in her glare. “Stand down Spike. I can handle this on my own. He can’t hurt me.”

Spike’s eyes widened at disbelief. “Can’t hurt you?” He practically sputtered. “Can’t hurt you? Do you even hear yourself? Maybe he’s not currently physically able to do damage but come on; you don’t think he’s getting off on seeing you suffer with his accusations.”

Jules shook her head. “He can say whatever he wants to say. Sam didn’t touch him and nobody is going to take Johnny’s lies seriously.” This time when she tried to pass Spike to get closer to the couch, he let her but his expression made it clear he didn’t like it. She returned her sole focus back to Johnny. Ordinarily the sight of someone so badly injured, especially after her own injuries, would elicit some sort of sympathetic response in her but she found herself completely unaffected. Certainly not upset by the fact that not an inch of the man’s face had been spared in the beating but not overjoyed at the sight either. That gave her a little more hope that maybe she wasn’t as far gone from humanity has she’d initially feared.

She gestured around the apartment. “Am I supposed to believe this was all a coincidence? That you ’just happened’ to sublet the apartment right down the hall from Sam? Just like you ’just happened’ to get a job in the same building I work in? Seriously?”

Johnny chuckled but quickly groaned, which sent off a new way of sympathy in Rhonda who also looked daggers toward Jules. After a moment of being fussed over, Johnny turned his swollen eyes back to his niece. “Believe what you want to believe JAC. The truth is your boyfriend came gunning after me tonight with blood in his eyes and murder on his mind. I’m not ashamed to say that I begged for my life. It seemed to fall on deaf ears until I asked him if he thought you would still love him if he committed cold blooded murder. Suddenly he stopped and stormed off. I think you actually saved my life, JAC.”

The sound that came out of Jules’s mouth followed by a curse word was decidedly unladylike. “Right. And I’m supposed to believe you because you are an upstanding citizen who’s never told a lie before.”

Rhonda frowned. “Jules, you’re acting like JD is the bad guy here. He’s the victim.”

Johnny shook his head and groaned once again. “It’s okay, Rhonnie. JAC just doesn’t want to believe that she’s sleeping with a psycho. Like I said, JAC, you can believe what you want. I’ve got proof that I’m telling the truth.” 

Jules rolled her eyes as her uncle made a painful show of reaching in his pocket and pulled out his “proof.” She recognized the chain and the square metal pieces as soon as he dangled it from his fingers. She tore her eyes off of it to look at the man who held it straight in the eye. She could swear there was a triumphant gleam twinkling back at her. The fact that he was holding a dog tag didn’t mean anything. Lots of people had dog tags.

“B 23 509 653 S.W. Braddock.” Johnny started reading the writing engraved into the metal. “Wow, no preference for religion; does Jack know that about him? O positive blood. Kind of common but what do you expect from such a common person? Not like the two of us with our B negative blood types. Convinced now, JAC? I tore his dog tag off his neck while he was trying to kill me. That proof enough for you?”


	64. Chapter 64

It was almost two thirty in the morning when Sam finally inserted his key into the door to the apartment. He hoped Jules was sound asleep, at least long enough for him to repair the worst of the damage to his knuckles before he had to face her. She had every right to ream him across the coals for many reasons and he would accept her ire as something he deserved without complaint. But that didn’t mean he wanted to add to it if he could help it. 

He eased the door opened and was glad to see that they’d left the chain unfastened. Though it would serve him right to be locked out like that, he was grateful that he wouldn’t have to wake up the whole apartment to get someone to let him in. The apartment was as dark as he’d expect it to be at that time of the morning, and Sam silently pushed the door closed and relocked it, this time using the chain as well. He leaned his head against the door. He was worn out, emotionally and physically. 

After a moment, he turned and headed to his bedroom, even though he knew there were things he had to do before he could give in to his exhaustion and climb into bed next to Jules. He peeked inside to reassure himself that she was sleeping peacefully and was surprised to see the bed was empty. No evidence that anyone had even tried to sleep in it since it had been made before work that morning. With a frown he glanced around the darkened living room and saw Jules standing next to the window, leaning against it watching him silently. He frowned. Why hadn’t she spoken up to let him know she was there? He started to close the gap between them, ready to take whatever she wanted to throw at him either literally or figuratively. He deserved it all. He hung his head in contrition before she could even say a word, hoping she would know how sorry he was for everything. 

Therefore, with his head down, he never saw her rush toward him until 125 pounds crashed into him. She almost sent him toppling until he took a half step backward to steady himself as she wrapped herself tightly against him. Her fingers slide through his short hair so that she could grip the back of his head. Pulling him closer, her lips locked against his in a kiss that was both demanding and desperate. 

He reciprocated the kiss, welcoming the response even if it was later followed by a tongue lashing. His arms encircled her soft, warm body as she pressed herself even closer. He could feel her heart beating almost erratically against his chest. Sam felt guilty; he’d known his hours long absence had probably upset her but the way she was clinging to him suggested that she’d been scared as well. He felt even worse when an uncharacteristic sniffle told him that Jules was crying. 

He looked down but couldn’t really see her in the dim light. Instinctively he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the moisture under her eyes and then rested his forehead against hers. Sighing deeply, he offered the only words he could think of and could only hope they could heal the hurt he’d obviously caused by running out the way he did.

“I’m sorry.”

“I thought I was never going to see you again.” Her voice was small and her brown eyes full of tears. 

Sam felt like a heel. He’d much rather have her mad at him than to hear the pain he was currently hearing. His own blue eyes filled with tears as well. While he hadn’t really been thinking when he stormed out, he never wanted to hurt her the way it appeared he had. “Jules, I was mad and hurt by what the General said. I was leaving him and not you. I could never stay away from you. I’m sorry if I made you think…”

She shook her head burying her face into his shirt. “No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to cry. Wasn’t going to waste tears over this shit. But then you came in and I was just so relieved. I don’t think I really realized how worried I’d been that something had happened to you until I saw you were okay.”

Sam buried his face in her hair. “I’m sorry.” He realized he was repeating himself but he meant it. When he’d left earlier, he’d done so because he had felt like his father’s words had turned him into a ticking time bomb. Even as he was storming out, he’d known he wasn’t being fair to Jules, leaving her to deal with the mess that was his family dynamics. He’d convinced himself he wasn’t going far and he’d calm down a little and then return to the apartment. Then he’d gotten on his bike and started driving away. Before he knew it, an hour had passed. 

“When I finally stopped, I reached for my phone to call you and let you know I was okay. It started to ring immediately and I answered it without looking thinking it was probably you. It wasn’t. I heard the General’s voice and saw red all over again. All I could think of was that he just wanted to accuse me of hurting you all over again. I couldn‘t take it again. Before I even thought about what I was doing I threw the phone against the side of the building I was parked near.”

Jules settled her head against his chest and sniffled. “The department’s going to get tired of replacing our phones real soon at this rate.”

He chuckled self-depreciatively. Was it wishful thinking on his fault or did she sound relieved by his admission rather than upset about it. “Yeah. I shouldn’t have left you to deal with the General. It wasn’t fair to you. I hope he didn’t give you a hard time.”

So much had happened it seemed more like days had passed since the run-in with the General rather than a few hours. She drew in a shaky breath, trying to reign in her errant emotions. “I called him a coward.”

Sam pulled back just slightly, an incredulous look on his face. “Seriously? Damn, I wish I’d been here to see that. I think he’d rather go to war barehanded than have someone call him a coward. The General’s not too use to anyone even disagreeing with him but to have a little spitfire like you standing up to him and insulting him? I bet he never saw you coming.”

Along with the admiration in his voice, he brought his hand up to lightly caress her cheek. Even in the dim light of the living room, Jules caught sight of his busted knuckles. She stepped back and took both of his hands in her hers, examining the wounds carefully, her expression neutral. Once again Sam sighed.

“I’m afraid the phone wasn’t the only thing that hit the wall. You’d think one of these days I’d learn that brick is pretty unforgiving. After pounding the wall a few times I got back on my bike and drove until I ran out of gas and had to push the bike to the nearest gas station. After filling up, I realized how late it had gotten and turned around to come home. I’m really sorry I worried you.”

“Did you eat anything?”

Sam sighed at the question posed in a clipped tone. He couldn’t blame her for being mad at him. In fact, he might prefer it if she did yell at him for being insensitive or better yet completely stupid. “No, by the time my anger settled enough that I could realize I was hungry, I didn‘t want to waste time by stopping to get something to eat.”

“You take care of your hands and I’ll heat the leftovers from dinner.” She stepped out of his embrace and moved toward the kitchen. As she opened the fridge, Sam turned to look at her. There was something in her voice that sent warning bells clanging in his head. She didn’t sound angry, hurt, or even disappointed. Instead her words just sounded flat and listless.

Worried that he’d messed up more than simple words could repair, he followed her into the kitchen instead of heading to the bathroom to repair the damage he’d done to his knuckles. He leaned against the counter and watched as she spooned out some of the stir fry onto a plate which she set in the microwave. He could tell by her almost jerky movements that she was upset. When she practically threw the spoon into the sink, he knew he was in trouble. 

“Jules, sweetheart…”

“Rhonda stopped by earlier.” The topic seemed random but Sam didn’t interrupt her. “She was hoping we could talk her new love interest into going to the emergency room. Imagine our surprise when we discovered who this JD character we’ve heard so much about actually was. Seriously we’re cops and we never suspected anything. How did we miss it, Sam? How could we not have suspected? JD…it was right there in our face; how did we miss it?”

Sam closed his eyes. No, he wasn’t going to guess. It couldn’t be who she was suggesting but yet at the same time, who else would induce such a reaction from Jules? He shook his head. “Dawson? That sick son of a bitch has been down the hall from us all this time? Damn him to hell and back.” Then the rest of what she’d told him registered. “Convince him to go to the Emergency Room? Why?”

The microwave beeped, signally it was through heating the food. Jules popped open the door and reached for the dish, cursing as the plate burned her fingertips. Sam sighed. “Leave it there. It won’t hurt it to cool off a little. Jules, this is obviously bothering you. What’s wrong with him?” 

To be honest, he didn’t really care if the man was dying but it was obviously bothering Jules. He couldn’t imagine that she was feeling any kind of sympathy for the man who had hurt her so terribly but he also couldn’t explain why she seemed so upset. She kept her back to him but he could see her shoulders were slightly shaking with barely reigned in emotion. “Jules?”

“He was beaten up. Pretty severely. If I had to guess, I would say broken nose, broken ribs, maybe even worse injuries. To be honest, I didn’t care enough to really pay him much attention.”

Sam frowned. He couldn’t say he was upset that Dawson had been hurt but he hated that someone would probably face trouble from it. Then realization hit him and he closed his eyes with an inaudible sigh. “Jules, please tell me it wasn’t one of your brothers.”

He opened his eyes to look at her, trying to understand. She shook her head, her back still to him. He reached out and tugged her gently to turn her so he could see her face. She wasn’t crying anymore but her expression was pinched, almost as if she was in pain. “Jules?”

She took a deep steady breath and blurted out the information that sounded so vile in her mind. “He’s accusing you of doing it.”

Sam blanched and stared at her in disbelief. “Sweetheart, I didn’t...”

“I know.”

Almost as if she hadn’t spoken or as if he hadn’t heard her, he continued on. “I swear, I did just what I said I did. I rode around aimlessly all night. No, I don’t think I can prove it but I’m telling you the truth.”

“I believe you.” Jules assured him but it still fell on deaf ears.

“I know it looks bad, especially with my hands all busted up. But I swear to you that I lashed out a wall not that bastard. If he‘s saying I did it, then he‘s lying.”

“I know.” Jules repeated, stepping closer to him and reaching up to cup his cheek in the palm of her hand. “I believe you. I never thought you were responsible, not for a moment.” 

“Damn it, Jules. I know I came close to punching his lights out yesterday and I was mad enough at my dad when I left here that it’s not unreasonable to think I could do bodily damage to the first person to get in my way, but I…”

Realizing he wasn’t hearing anything she was saying, she interrupted his protests, silencing him with a kiss. At first he remained still and unyielding against her, so she pressed herself flush against him. But as she deepened the kiss, he finally started to relax and give in to her ministrations. It was only then that her words, her assurances that she didn’t think he was guilty, sunk in. His arms came around her and held her. 

She let the kiss linger even after she felt him surrender and relax. He needed the reassurance as much as she needed to give it. After a couple of minutes, Sam broke off the kiss, searching her eyes for any hints of doubts. Doubts that would hurt him more than his father’s accusations but that he couldn’t fault. He saw none.

“You didn’t believe him?” Sam’s voice was barely over a whisper.

“Please, the man lies more than he probably breathes. That’s what he does; he hurts people, he lies, and then he lies to hurt people. And even if he didn’t, I know you. You wouldn’t cross the line like that.”

Sam hung his head. He released her and moved to the spot she’d formerly had occupied at counter in front of the microwave. He pulled the plate from the microwave, and, after getting a fork from the drawer, stabbed a piece of chicken and green pepper at the same time. After chewing and swallowing he glanced back at his girlfriend. “I came pretty close yesterday. If James hadn’t stopped me…”

“You would have stopped yourself. Trust me, if you’d really wanted to beat Johnny’s brains in yesterday with everything he was saying, James wouldn’t have been able to stop you. I’ve fought with my brother numerous times over the years, he looks big but he’s not that strong. I can take him easily so I know you could have too. If you had really wanted to. The fact that you didn’t shows how strong you really are.”

He couldn’t express in words how much her unwavering faith in him really meant. Apparently even his own father believed him to be capable of being a monster who could beat someone senseless. Still, he couldn’t forget the change that had come over her when she’d seen his knuckles. Something about that in particular had upset her. “Still, it couldn’t have been easy hearing him make those accusations and then I came in looking like I’d gone ten rounds in a ring without boxing gloves.”

“You’re right. It wasn’t easy.” Jules admitted just as Sam took a second bite of his heated over meal. 

Sam chewed woodenly, the food suddenly seeming to grow in his mouth. Again he hung his head. Jules took the couple of steps back to him and brushed the hair back from his eyes. It was times like this, when he seemed so vulnerable, that she couldn’t help but think he must have looked just like this as a little boy every time he thought he’d disappointed his father. 

“It wasn’t easy to see you hurt for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t like anything causing you pain even if you do it to yourself. I don’t like it any more than you like seeing me in pain. But I get that sometimes you have to lash out; remember I’m the one who put a slight dent in the side of my jeep when I hit it after seeing my tire slashed. I heard you hit the elevator when you stormed out of here earlier so I knew there was a good chance that you were going to have injuries that you would have to explain.”

“So…”

Jules sighed. “Johnny is a manipulator. He’s convinced Rhonda you went crazy on him.” Sam rolled his eyes at that and Jules continued. “Okay, I know you and Spike don’t think she’s the poster child for Toronto’s Most Intelligent but she’s not stupid and she practically worships the ground you walk on. But in no time he had her calling for your head on the proverbial silver platter. All of a sudden she was sitting in the living room all but equating you with Jack the Ripper. I thought Nat was going to scratch her eyes out. I know I wanted to.”

Sam pushed the half empty plate away and once more pulled Jules close. “I don’t care if Rhonda thinks the worst of me. If it keeps her from lusting after me I almost prefer it. You believe I’m innocent and that’s all I really care about.”

“It’s not that simple.” There was almost a whine in Jules’s voice. Sam frowned. Either she was more tired than even the dark circles under her eyes suggested or something was really bothering her. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Yeah it is. Johnny’s just a bag of hot wind. You know what he’s trying to do. He thought he could spin some sort of lie that he thought was going to drive a wedge between us. And in his twisted brain he thought that would send you running to him. He failed. You are here with me and nothing’s going to change that. Whatever game he’s playing, he’s going to lose.”

Jules left the comfort and warmth of Sam’s arms and returned to the living room. She returned to the window where she’d been standing when Sam had come in. Staring out into the darkness, she watched the random car drive by in the mostly quiet night. Had it just been the other night that she’d told Sam she felt like she was cursed? Maybe it wasn’t that she was cursed but WAS the curse. How many people that she loved would have to suffer because of her? 

She rested her head against the cool window as Sam walked up behind her, his hands cupping the tops of her shoulder. He tried to turn her around but she planted her feet firmly against the floor. He could have persisted and succeeded but stopped as soon as his motions met resistance. Instead, he moved his arms lower so that they were wrapped around her chest, his chin easily resting on the top of her head. With the light off, the window acted more like a reflective service and he could see the utter misery on Jules’s face. It was killing him to see the tears once more flowing freely down her cheeks. She drew in a shaky breath. The resulting exhale causing the window to fog and block his view of her.

“It’s my fault. All of this is my fault.” 

Again, Sam felt sucker punched. How could she blame herself for anything? Once again he tried to turn her in his arms and once more she resisted. Determined to look her in the eye and make her explain how any of this could even remotely be considered her fault, he released her and wedged himself between her and the window. He cupped her face in his hands. “Jules, don’t…”

“No, it is. Something I did or said years ago started all this. He wants me and he doesn’t care who he hurts in the process. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him hurt you to get to me. You know he‘s the one who called your father and told him those lies. And now this.”

“He’s not going to hurt me, Jules.” His eyes pleaded with her to believe him. “He can’t do anything to hurt me as long as you believe I’m innocent. I mean that. Yeah, I got upset this afternoon that the General believed I could ever hurt you but it wasn’t because I care what he thinks. If I worried about what he thought, I would have left SRU and gone back to the military a long time ago. He doesn’t matter to me; what upset me was hearing the idea that I could ever hurt you. You are what matters to me, Jules. You. Hearing you blame yourself bothers me a hell of a lot more than you telling me Johnny Dawson has convinced Rhonda that I beat the shit out of him. If that’s the best he’s got, bring it on cause I can take it. I can take anything as long as I have you on my side.”

The couple was so focused on each other that they didn’t realized they were no longer alone in the living room. They never saw Spike emerged from the bedroom he shared with Nat. Had no idea how long he’d been standing there watching them and listening to their conversation. They didn’t notice him at all until his quiet but almost authoritative voice filled the quiet of the living room.

“Are you going to tell him or do you want me to?”


	65. Chapter 65

“Tell me what?” 

Sam looked from Jules to Spike and back to Jules. He didn’t miss the glare Jules shot toward their friend and it surprised him. He also didn’t miss the slight shake of her head that seemed to warn Spike not to say anything. Spike’s chin jutted out ever so slightly, an uncharacteristic frown on his face. It was clear Jules and Spike were having a silent conversation or maybe even full blown argument and he was growing ever increasingly frustrated by feeling like he was the source of the controversy but without knowing why.

“Seriously, what’s going on?” Sam tried once more.

Spike opened his mouth as if to reply and Jules’s eyes immediately narrowed. “Spike, don’t.”

“He’s got a right to know. He’s going to find out eventually and it’ll be better if it comes from one of us. Do you really want him to be blindsided by this?”

“He shouldn’t have to hear about it at all. Damn it Spike, we talked about this.” 

“No, we tried to talk and you refused to listen. Jules, either you tell him or I will.” 

Sam felt like he was a spectator at a tennis game, watching the ball volley back and forth across the net and wondering just how long it could be kept in motion without it falling. Considering this particular ball seemed to have more than a little to do with him personally, he found himself really wanting to reach out and snatch it out of midair and put a stop to the game once and for all. 

He turned Jules’s head so she was once more focused on him and caressed her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. The utter misery he saw reflected there, a misery he had a feeling was there because of his selfish actions earlier, cut him to the quick. He wanted to give in to her desires to keep silent. Was knowing whatever it was they seemed to be arguing about worth knowing if it hurt her? Not a chance in hell but at the same time, he knew from experience that she probably needed to get it off her chest even if it did hurt initially. He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss as if that would soothe the pain of his request. “Sweetheart, is there more? Something you haven’t told me? Whatever it is we can deal with it. Please tell me.”

She shook her head. Stepping out of his embrace, she walked away from him and into the bedroom, all but slamming the door behind her. Sam’s jaw dropped and he turned toward Spike, hoping to get an explanation from him since it was more than obvious that it wasn’t going to come from Jules. She was furious and he couldn’t figure out if it was at him or Spike. Usually even when she was severely pissed off, her anger was a little more controlled than the fly off the handle departure he’d just witnessed. It must be seriously bad for her to storm away without a word. It didn‘t make sense to him; the only thing he‘d ever known her to be that adamant about not talking about was the attack she‘d endured in her teens. 

Feeling the color almost drain from his face, he closed his eyes and said a silent prayer that his thoughts had taken a serious detour away from the truth of what was going on. “Spike, she told me that Dawson’s been living down the hall from us since the second attack and we didn’t even know it. She told me about his accusation. But this thing you want her to tell me that she seems so against talking about. Did Dawson hurt her? While I was out being a selfish ass, was he able to do more damage?”

If Jules walking away had surprised him, then the almost hostile glare he received from Spike was even more surprising. “Depends on your definition of damage. Did he touch her? No, even if he’d been physically capable of it at the time, you have to know I wouldn’t have let him get close. Even if him being there did take us by surprise. But yeah, he did more damage. I’m trying to understand, Sam; but it’s difficult.”

Sam threw himself onto the couch, his exhaustion from the emotionally charged evening/night wearing him down. It appeared the tongue lashing he’d expected to get from Jules was going to come from Spike instead. He wasn’t sure he was as okay with dealing with Spike’s anger as he had been to receive Jules’s. He sighed, wearily. “Understand what, Spike?” 

“What you were thinking? It’s not the beating I don’t get. The few times I’ve been around Dawson, I think I have him pegged. Let me guess, he pushed all the right buttons didn’t he? Goaded you until you weren’t sure what side was up and what side was down? Either making up lies about Jules or maybe even admitting all the disgusting ways he hurt her? I’m sure you even tried to walk away until he just made it impossible. I can’t really fault you for beating the shit out of him. Past time someone did it, that’s for sure. I don’t know anyone who could fault you for reacting to his taunts. If that was all, I’d back you one hundred percent.”

So Spike believed he was guilty. The doubt should have hurt him but given everything else, he couldn’t really blame his friend. “Spike, I didn’t…”

“Think? Yeah, that’s obvious. Sam, if you had stayed. If you had gotten the asshole medical help, admitted to what had happened and defended yourself, it would have been better. That we could have worked with. But you left him there not caring if he lived or died. Made Jules have to hear about it from Dawson himself who fairly gloated over the fact that it was you who hurt him.”

“Spike…” Sam tried once again to interject his assurances that he hadn’t been the one to hurt Dawson. But once again Spike wouldn’t let him get more than a word in. Seeing Spike angry was even more foreign and maybe a little more scary than seeing Jules furious. 

“You should have seen her, Sam. She refused to believe what Johnny was saying. She was defending you without hesitation. On the outside she was the tough as nails Jules we all know and love. I was probably the only one in the room who could see her falling apart on the inside. No way she was going to give that bastard the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to her. But after he left; after he ‘let’ Rhonda talk him into going to the hospital to get checked out, it was a different story. She managed to hold it together until we came back to the apartment but then she unraveled quicker than a balloon that someone lets go of after blowing it up.” 

Spike was practically pacing back and forth. “I’ve never seen her look so scared. Not even the day I had to track the two of you down and tell her about her dad being in the hospital. She kept calling your phone and every time you didn’t answer she got a little more frantic. About took my head off trying to get me to locate you using the GPS in your phone. Taking it personally when my best wasn’t good enough.”

“Spike…” Sam had never seen this side of Spike, and it was more than a little disconcerting. It was obvious his friend had been needing this moment to vent, and ordinarily Sam would be more than happy to be a sounding board or even the target of his anger if it helped but not tonight. He was tired and all he really wanted to do was retreat to the bedroom and check on Jules. Because she was the one who really mattered. “I didn’t…”

“Mean to scare her? You had to know she’d be worried. She was convinced Johnny hurt you and that you were laying dead or injured in some alley somewhere and it was going to be my fault if we didn’t find you in time. Sad thing was, I was almost hoping you were injured somewhere and that’s why we couldn’t track you. Not that I wanted you hurt but at least it would be a good excuse. Couldn’t very well tell Jules that; she was already going ballistic on us. Not even Sarge could reign her in. You were the only one I think she would have listened to but you weren’t here. She needed you and where were you?”

His words cut Sam right where Sam’s own guilt was running close to the surface. Once again he was being accused of hurting the one person he’d never want to hurt. Only this time there was truth in the accusation. If Jules was scared something had happened to him because she hadn’t been able to reach him cause of his own stupidity, then he was to blame for that pain she‘d experienced. But instead of running from this accusation, Sam pushed back. “So is this what you were pushing her to tell me? That I’m an insensitive louse?”

Spike shook his head, stopping mid-pace. “I wish it were that simple. No, what she didn’t want to tell you was that you’ve got to be at the station at eight in the morning.”

Sam frowned. “Yeah, we all do. We’re on shift.”

Spike shook his head. “No, not for your shift. Johnny’s filing charges and you have to answer to them. Sarge has arranged with Commander Holleran for SIU to handle the investigation in conjunction with a prosecutor. After they meet with you, they’ll make a decision on how they will proceed.”

Sam’s frowned deepened. “Proceed? I didn’t do anything. He’s lying his ass off. What will they proceed on?”

“If the prosecutor decides the case is strong enough, you could be formally charged with aggravated assault. Right now, Sarge thinks Holleran is just planning on suspending you until the investigation is complete but if you are charged, that suspension might be more permanent.”

Natalie had emerged from the bedroom and was standing slightly behind Spike. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth as she watched her brother shake his head in disbelief as her boyfriend watched. Ever since those moments in the sublet apartment down the hall, she’d tried to stay just on the fringe of everything that was going on, wanting to be supportive but not really wanting to choose sides. Reaching out she put her hand on Spike’s arm, giving it a slight squeeze. 

Sam just shook his head. Why hadn’t he even considered the possibility that Johnny would try to get him in trouble? He’d been so convinced that Johnny was lying to try to hurt Jules that he hadn’t given any thought to the guy going so far as to lying on a police report. Earlier when Jules had professed to feeling like everything was her fault, he’d thought it was more about the idea that Johnny was trying to drive a wedge between them. But all that time she’d been worried about him losing his job and his freedom. He hated that she’d worried so much. Hated what it had done to her more than the personal consequences of what Dawson might be planning bothered him. Once more he tried. “Spike, I swear I didn’t…”

“Save it.” Spike once more cut him off. “I’m going to bed. Shift is going to be a real bitch tomorrow since we’ll be a team of two and half because you know there’s no way Jules will have her head fully in the game worrying about what’s going to happen to your ass.” He stormed off to the bedroom, but didn’t slam the door as Jules had. 

Natalie watched him leave and started to go after him but instead came to sit beside Sam and rested her head on his shoulder. Sam sighed deeply. “I’ve never seen him this upset with anyone, let alone me. He wouldn‘t even let me explain.”

Natalie nodded, her mouth set in a straight line. “Me neither. For what it’s worth, however, it’s been a tough night for him. You know I love Jules but she’s more than a little scary when she gets angry. She was worried about you and lashing out at Spike when he couldn’t give her the answers she needed. Then she about ripped him and your boss a new one when they entertained the idea that you might have been goaded into hurting JD. Your boss had a home to go to other than here but for Spike, it made for a pretty frosty evening.”

Sam considered her words. “Yeah, Jules is loyal to a fault at times.”

Nat rolled her eyes. “Sam, a German Shepherd is loyal; the girl is devoted to you. I don’t think it crossed her mind for a second to think you were guilty of anything.”

How Jules could believe that completely in him was beyond him but he loved her all the more for it. He glanced at his sister. “What about you? You doubt me too?”

“That you would seek him out and do that much damage? No. That you would defend someone you love to the death if you had to? I know you would. Remember Chris Stanley? He missed four days of school after you beat him up in high school.”

Sam shrugged at the memory. “He was bragging about getting a hotel room for the two of you after the Harvest Dance. I couldn’t let him get away with taking advantage of my little sister.”

Nat rolled her eyes. “The hotel room was MY idea, Sam. I wanted him to take advantage of me. After you went ape shit on him, do you know how hard it was to get any guy to agree to go out with me?” A small smile unconsciously played out on Sam’s face and Natalie slapped his arm. “Don’t you look so smug, Sam. If Chris hadn’t been so scared of both you and Dad, he would have pressed charges then.”

“I was sixteen.” Sam reminded her. “I did a lot of thinking with parts of my body other than my brain at sixteen. Yeah, if someone threatened you or Jules today and there was no way to prevent either of you being in danger other than by using my fists or some other weapon then I would do it in a heartbeat. But I didn’t go near Dawson today. I shouldn’t have run out like I did earlier but I was mad at Dad and had to get away. It wasn’t the best move I could have made but I swear all I did was drive around.” He glanced down at his busted knuckles. “And punch a few walls. Dawson is lying; just trying to cause trouble.”

Once more Nat leaned her head on his shoulder. “He’s doing a good job. Take this seriously, Sam. I think he means business. And don’t give Spike too hard a time. He sees Jules as a sister and he’s defending her the same way you would defend me. He just used words instead of his fists. I better go check on him. Besides I think you are wanting to check on Jules anyway.”

Sam nodded, not seeing the benefit of denying the truth. He stood up and went to the bedroom. He eased the door open and carefully stuck his head in to make sure that Jules wasn’t going to throw something at him. He frowned. She was shoving things in her bag without any regard to care. He walked up behind her and put his arms around her, trapping her arms to her side. 

“What are you doing?”

“I want to go home.” Her voice was off and he almost wished he’d trapped her within his arms in a way that allowed him to see her face. She sounded somewhere between pissed and crying which worried him more than if she’d just been one or the other. He kissed the side of her temple.

“Tonight? Jules, it’s after three.”

She shrugged. “Then tomorrow. I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to stay down the hall from him.”

Sam wondered if the “him” she was referring to was Dawson or Spike but didn’t ask the question. “What about me? You want to get away from me as well?”

She struggled slightly and he immediately released her. She turned to look at him, her tortured eyes reflecting the shock that he’d even ask that question. “Of course not.”

Sam kissed her. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m sorry, Jules. I know I’ve said it so many times tonight but I really am. Sorry I worried you. Sorry I caused a rift between you and Spike. Sorry, Johnny has found a way to use me to further hurt you. If you want to get out of here tonight we will. Don’t know where we’d sleep in the house since our bedroom has no furniture in it and we can’t reach the bed in the spare bedroom since we stored our furniture from the master bedroom there. But if that’s what you want tonight, we’ll do it, even if we have to throw some sleeping bags on the floor.”

Jules sighed and stepped back into his embrace, resting the side of her head on his chest. “I guess it can wait until tomorrow.” He didn’t miss the slight change in her voice to be more resigned than hurt. He smiled slightly. 

“Then as soon as we can tomorrow, we’ll pack up and go home. Get our bedroom back in order and there we’ll stay.” He rubbed her arms comfortingly, wishing he could feel a change in the tension in her body. It wasn’t a stiffness that suggested she was uncomfortable with him holding her but he could still tell she was upset. He wished there was something he could do to make things better for her. 

“I hope you’re able to.” Jules admitted softly. “Did Spike tell you?

He nodded. “Yeah and while it’s not something I’m looking forward to; I can’t be that worried about it either. Dawson might think he’s done something wonderful by filing a police report against me but it’s going to backfire on him just like his plan to turn you against me did. I trust the system; I couldn’t work for it if I didn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong; wasn’t anywhere near the bastard today. He can spin any kind of story he wants but the law doesn’t work on a sympathy meter; if it did, you would have been able to bury him under a jail for what he did to you. The system runs on facts and evidence. Without any, it’s his word against mine. Frankly, I think the word of a respected member of the Strategic Response Unit carries more weight than that of a convicted murderer.”

He expected his assurances that he wasn’t upset or worried about the investigation to soften her mood but it didn’t. Instead she just looked ahead glumly. Sam sighed again and lifted her head so she had to look at him. But even at that her eyes refused to meet his. “What? You don’t think so? Come on Jules, I can handle what’s going on but you closing up on me is killing me.”

For several long minutes the only sound in the room was the hiccups of breath Jules made as she tried to reign in her emotions. “You shouldn’t have to be investigated. You shouldn’t have Spike and Sarge thinking you were capable of hurting Johnny. They should believe in you the way I believe in you…”

Sam leaned down and kissed her. “Jules, I don’t even believe in myself to the same degree you believe in me. As pissed as Spike was at me, I didn’t get that he thought I’d set out to hurt anyone. Yeah, it doesn’t feel that great but I can’t fault them either. Please don’t let this hurt your relationship with him or Sarge. That would give Johnny almost as much satisfaction as him driving a wedge between us. I’ll be okay. He’ll have to do a lot more than just throw around a bunch of unfounded accusations to hurt me. Now, I think we’ve given Johnny and his delusions enough of our time tonight. It’s late and tomorrow will come early enough whether we want it to or not. Let’s spend the next few hours sleeping in each other’s arms.”

“As nice as that sounds,” Jules countered, wondering by his words if Spike had told Sam about the evidence Johnny claimed to have. Would she have to tear down his beliefs that all was going to work out simply because Sam’s word was more believable than Johnny’s? She sighed. “I don’t think I could sleep. I’m too wound up.”

She sounded so forlorn, Sam couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her. She responded to him and he felt her body relax just a little. Remembering the way she’d launched herself at him when he’d arrived home and the way Spike had said she’d worried something had happened to him, Sam pressed himself closer to her, guiding her body down on the bed. Absently he gave the bag she’d been packing a slight toss to the floor getting it out of their way. He covered her body with his and was glad to feel her responding. After a long, sensuous kiss, he pulled back to stare into her haunted brown eyes. 

“Too wound up, huh? Maybe I should try to help you unwind a little. I think I’m up to the challenge.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. He pressed his body further into hers so there was no doubt of his growing arousal exactly what he meant. She responded almost eagerly to his kisses and touches, almost as if she needed what he was offering as much as he did. Feeling emboldened by the way her body was responding to his, Sam slipped a hand beneath her shirt, caressing first the soft skin along her stomach before gently cupping one of her breasts through her bra. It was a chance on his part; he hadn’t initiated touching her there other than the few times they’d had in the spare bedroom when he was trying to open her up to the things she’d missed out on. Still, lately she’d been the one guiding his hand there either when they’d made love or were just sleeping in the same bed so he hoped it wouldn’t bring about a bad reaction.

She whimpered at the feel of him touching her cloth covered breast but it was a sound of desire rather than distress. Without completely breaking off the kisses he was still plying her with, he used his other hand to unbutton her blouse, glad that she’d worn a shirt that was easy to remove while kissing. His hand left her breast only to fully slip the blouse from her shoulders and unfasten the front closure of her bra. In no time, he had her fully undressed. He ached with a need to fill her completely but wanted to take his time and fully worship her body the way it deserved to be worshiped, or at least the way she would allow him to worship. 

His thumb brushed against her hardening nipple and she arched up off the bed. He was taken by surprise when Jules suddenly flipped him over and straddled his body. Her small hands fumbled with the button and zipper of his pants and he reached down and helped her in her quest to similarly undress him. Desire and love overshadowed everything else as their bodies joined together. It was an explosive and arousing coupling as Jules took the lead. Though it wasn’t unusual for Jules to take the lead in anything else they did together, the bedroom was one place she was usually content to fully relinquish control of their lovemaking to him. This wasn’t the first time she’d taken control but it happened so infrequently that it was quickly sending Sam to the edge. 

Just as he could feel himself about to explode with pleasure, a flash of awareness hit him and he quickly flipped them both so that Jules was underneath him and he’d pulled completely out of her. Breathing hard, his eyes begged her to forgive him for stopping. “Shit, Jules, neither one of us stopped to think. Your antibiotics…we weren’t….”

Jules’s own eyes widened. It was true; they’d both gotten so caught up in the pleasure and need for making love to each other than neither had stopped to think about using protection. They were probably safe; she’d finished taking the stupid pills about three days ago. Though experts differed about the effect antibiotics had on the birth control pill, most agreed it was better to be safe than sorry and recommended using a back up method for an additional week after completing a round of antibiotics. It was good that he’d stopped when he had; one of them needed to be thinking and it certainly hadn’t been here. But at the same time, she only wanted it to be a temporary cease fire. “Nightstand?”

Sam nodded and reached for the box he’d stashed in the drawer after their date night. Once the condom was in place, Jules wrapped her legs around him and pulled him back close. Almost as if they hadn’t been interrupted, they picked up where they had left off, this time with Sam on top. His body moved in time with hers and his lips blazed a trail down her jaw line to the base of her neck. One hand gently teased her left nipple, always careful not to pinch, hurt, or in any way remind her of more painful times. As much as he wanted to trail his kisses lower and lavish her other nipple with similar attention with his mouth, he refrained. She might have started to accept his touch that she’d always before shunned, but they hadn’t gotten so far that she was ready for more than that.

After they’d both satisfied a need they couldn’t really voice, they lay in each other’s arms, sated and sleepy. Sam grazed his fingers up and down Jules’s arms, already half asleep and being lulled there even more assuredly as Jules lazily traced shapes with her finger on his chest. Her eyes flew open when her fingers encountered a chain that shouldn’t have been there. Her breath caught in her throat and threatened to choke her.

Sam sensed the change that had come over her and looked down at her with a frown. “Jules? What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

“Your dog tag. You’re wearing your dog tag.”


	66. Chapter 66

Sam’s brow furrowed in surprise and he wondered if with everything else that had gone on during the day/evening/night, he’d somehow missed getting the word that Jules had hit her head and suffered a concussion or something. Why was she suddenly so interested in his dog tag? He wore it all the time and she’d never really commented on it before.

“Yeah, I usually do. You act like it’s something special but I’m always wearing it.”

Jules shook her head, sitting up. “No, you don’t understand. Johnny had your dog tag. Said he tore it off you when you were beating him up. It was the proof he was going to use as evidence to your guilt. It’s what convinced Spike and Sarge that you might have done it and why I thought you might have been injured. He was reading off the information like it was some sort of prize for him. But you’re wearing it…”

Sam stared at her dumbly. “He had my dog tag?”

Jules shook her head. “It had to be another lie. He must have gotten hold of some one else’s dog tag and your information. None of us looked at it; we just assumed because the information was right… Damn him for scaring me like that.” She kissed him, all trace of tiredness and anxiety gone. Sam allowed the kiss for a moment but then pulled away.

“He has my dog tag.” Sam repeated, this time making it a statement rather than a question. He laid back against the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Jules propped up on her elbow looking at him confused. She realized that she and Spike had both neglected to tell him about the supposed evidence, but she couldn’t understand why he looked bothered by the information rather than relieved like she was. 

“Sam, you’re wearing your dog tag. Why are you now looking worried? His only claim to having proof that you were the one who beat him was that dog tag and since you still have yours, that puts an end to the argument.”

He looked at her, his blue eyes looking a little haunted. “Jules, I haven’t worn my dog tag in almost two years.”

She shook her head, fingering the square metal. “Sam, it’s right here.” She leaned forward to get a better look at the engraving in the dim light of the lamp-lit room. “H 64 711 273 M.D. Harrison.” She frowned confused. “Sam?”

“It’s Matt’s. His mom gave it to me at his funeral so I would have something to remember him by. For awhile I just put it in a box safely tucked away so nothing would happen to it. Then after Leah gave us the bracelets with Lew’s name and badge number on it, I decided maybe it was time I honored Matt’s memory the same way.”

Jules’s eyes filled with unshed tears. She knew how much Matt’s death had affected Sam; knew he felt guilty even though there had been nothing he could have done to change the outcome. “I had no idea…”

Sam shrugged. “It’s not something I talk about. It’s just something I do. Leah’s gift was a way of reminding me that it’s okay to remember my friend, to keep a small part of him with me wherever I go. It’s also a way of reminding myself to be careful not to make the same mistakes again. Maybe a little reminder of the capacity people have for forgiveness. The military isn’t big on advertising its mistakes. All the Harrisons were told was that Matt had been killed while on a mission. Didn’t tell them that it had been friendly fire or that I had pulled the trigger. I couldn’t tell them any differently but I’m pretty sure Mrs. Harrison knew just by looking at me at the funeral that I was responsible. She could have hated me, should have hated me. But she didn’t. To be honest I as in such a guilt ridden fog at the time I don’t remember what she said but I know it made me feel better and worse all at the same time. Then she gave me the dog tag. Said Matt would want me to have it. I didn’t want to take it; didn’t feel like I deserved it but she insisted.”

Sam didn’t talk about Matt much. So Jules hung on his every word. She’d never pushed him to talk about the incident because she knew all too well about having things in your past you didn’t like to talk about. She could just imagine how being at Matt’s funeral had affected him. The thought that the Harrisons had welcomed him with open arms would have probably added to that guilt instead of assuaging it. Now she read the tag again. “What does the D stand for?”

Sam shook his head. “Dempsey. Apparently it was his mother’s maiden name. I didn’t even know what it stood for until his funeral. He guarded the information like it was a matter of national security. I almost felt like I was betraying him by finding out his middle name.”

“I thought it was Benjamin.” Jules admitted softly. “You called him Ben when we had that call at the Godwin Coliseum. I couldn’t see you making up a name and lying to Darren so I figured it was his middle name or something.”

Sam smiled, his eyes taking on a far away look. “Nickname. Matt was a great guy but he had a tendency of jumping into just about any conversation. It didn’t matter what you were talking about; if you said you’d done something or knew someone who had done something, Matt was there with a quick ‘been there, done that’ answer. It could have been as annoying as hell but with Matt it wasn’t, because it wasn‘t done in a smug kind of way. When he said it, it would come out all self-depreciatingly and funny as hell. He’d just had that kind of life growing up. Guys in the unit started just making crap up just to see if he’d say it. It became a running joke in the unit, especially after he broke out a ‘been there done that‘ to one of the Lieutenants talking about his wife having a hysterectomy. I can’t remember who finally dubbed him Been -- two ee’s not one. But it stuck.”

“And you called him Been to Darren because he was a soldier and it was a unit nickname.” Jules supplied. She’d never questioned him about him changing the name. Their whole relationship had been so strained at the time, she hadn’t felt like it was her place to say anything and the whole call had remained a sore subject for him for a long time that even after they were back together she didn‘t like to remind him of it.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I guess it was like Darren was having this great big been there/done that similar pain to what I felt after losing Matt that the nickname came out automatically and later during the debriefing when Spike called him by the same name I didn’t really pay him any attention. I was too caught up in my own pain to really think about it.”

As with any time he thought of his friend, Sam’s eyes were liquid pools of unshed tears. His throat was scratchy and Jules was sorry she’d had to bring up such painful memories. She rolled into his arms and kissed the base of his neck. Best friends were hard to come by and losing them was never easy. Not something you easily moved on from no matter how much time passed. She knew that from losing Beth; Spike from losing Lew; and Sam from losing Matt. It was a shared pain that probably helped strengthen their friendships with each other. She felt a momentary pang of regret for the way she’d treated Spike earlier and vowed to apologize first thing in the morning. 

Sam’s arms tightened around her, both giving and taking comfort at the same time. As always happened when he thought of Matt, his thoughts turned inward to the time he’d spend in Kandahar; his friendships, and to the fatal shot that took his friend’s life. Nothing else mattered at that moment. Nothing except knowing that the beautiful woman in his arms loved him unconditionally and would never judge him for his mistakes. His thoughts wandered as she continued to kiss his neck and chest. Any other time, he would lose himself once more in her kisses and return them with his own until they lost themselves once more in the act of gentle lovemaking. This time however, her kisses served as an anchor point to keep him grounded into reality as his memories threatened to sweep him away. 

As she drifted off to sleep away what few hours they had left of the night, she brought him back to the reality of the situation. “At least Johnny can’t frame you now.”

Memories of his friend took a back seat as all thoughts of his own sleeping left him. Sam continued to lay there, gently stroking her arm as she slept. What would happen tomorrow when he had to face the prosecutor and SIU? Jules seemed to the think the dog tag would now be a non-issue but Sam didn’t agree with her. It would still be his word against Johnny’s that he hadn’t been there. And while he still stood by his belief that his word carried more clout than Johnny’s, the dog tag would strengthen Johnny’s claim. After all, a prosecutor would argue, how else had Johnny gotten it? While it was the truth, his own admission that he wore his dead friend’s dog tag instead of his own, could seem like a convenient excuse. After all, there would be nobody who could attest to the fact that it was true. 

He had told Jules that he believed in the system and he did. He was innocent and the truth would win out over a lie; he fully trusted in that. He would be vindicated and his name cleared but he wasn’t so sure now that it was going to be the easy no-question-about-it matter he’d thought it would be before Jules mentioned the dog tag. He was confident enough in his own innocence and the system to believe that in the end everything would work out but it was the in-the-meantime that was keeping him from succumbing to the sleep he desperately needed. The in-the-meantime as it concerned Jules more than it concerned his future freedom and career.

Johnny had his dog tag. The dog tag that he kept in a box in his dresser drawer at the house. The knowledge chilled Sam to the bone. After Spike had swept the locker room, the apartment, and the house and found no trace of surveillance equipment, Sam had known there was only one way Johnny had known about the scars from Jules’s injuries. He’d had to have seen them up close and personal. Sam couldn’t figure out the logistics and how the man Jules had been forced to kill worked into things but he was more convinced than ever that Johnny had been the man who had drugged and attacked her in the living room. But the fact that he had the dog tag said he’d spent an extended period of time in the house, especially the bedroom. The dog tag wouldn’t have been easy to find but yet Johnny had found it. The fact that he’d spent that much time in the house bothered Sam more than him stealing the dog tag did.

He hated going to the land of what if but his mind journeyed there regardless. What if the prosecutor decided to hold him? What if he went to that meeting expecting to walk out a free man even if it meant temporary suspension and instead found himself on the wrong side of a six by eight cell? He could handle it for himself because he was confident it wouldn’t be for long, but he worried about Jules. 

It wasn’t that he doubted her ability to protect herself; but sometimes it wasn’t enough. She’d always been able to protect herself but she’d still been hurt. She didn’t want to stay in the apartment and he couldn’t blame her. Just the knowledge that Johnny was right down the hall would eat her alive even if the man was too injured to do anything. And Sam couldn’t even be sure how injured he really was. What if he’d been faking the extent of his injuries to get more sympathy and get them to lower their guard? But would going home be any safer, especially if she was there alone? 

Could he convince Spike that it would be better for Nat if they both stayed at the house for a few days until they could really suss out Johnny’s full game plan? Ordinarily he could, but Spike had been so mad at him, would he listen to him? He certainly hadn’t been listening earlier. And considering things had apparently gotten heated between Spike and Jules, would Jules accept them staying there? Did Johnny know just how much pain he was causing? Did he even care? Or was that his whole plan? Isolate Jules so she would feel vulnerable and then he could swoop in and hurt her some more? 

Sam stared up at the ceiling, noticing but not paying attention to every grain of texture. He hadn’t done anything to Johnny but if he were in a room with him right now, he wasn’t so sure that it would stay that way. Sam had never hated anyone as much as he hated Johnny Dawson. How much pain and suffering could one person heap on another without paying the consequences? It wasn’t fair. If there was anyone who deserved a break, deserved to be happy, it was Jules. Yet for some reason Johnny Dawson was making it his life’s mission to see just how much he could hurt her. If it took his last breath, Sam would make it his mission to see that Johnny paid for every moment of pain that he had ever caused Jules.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  


“Constable Braddock, in his claim against you, Johnny Dawson purports that you tried to attack him the other day in public. We’ve talked to the manager of the Burger King where this alleged altercation took place. He confirmed that his employees reported an incident in the parking lot the day before but that it resolved itself with no interventions from employees or authorities. Do you deny this?” The prosecutor frowned.

Sam sat on the other side of the table, a side he was all too familiar with from past post-shooting interviews, trying to remember his resolute beliefs in the system. It was harder to do now that he was being interrogated like a common criminal. Harder still because he was facing this interview without any sleep. He rubbed his face wearily before fixing his eyes on the two men sitting across from him. “There was an incident but there was more to the story than I’m sure he told you.”

“Care to enlighten us?” The detective from SIU leading the department’s side of the investigation posed.

Sam frowned, his eyes flicking toward the mirror that separated his side of the room with the observation area where he knew Jules and Sarge were watching from. Sarge had tried to insist on being allowed to stay in the room with him but had been denied. Only the union lawyer was allowed, a man who had sat beside Sam during other SIU investigations but not one that Sam could claim actually knew him. Sam wasn’t sure how much he wanted to say how much he wanted to say. So much of everything related to Johnny had to do with the misery he’s put Jules through. Sam would go through hell for her but he’d be dammed if he was going to drag her with him.

“Constable Braddock?”

“Dawson was taunting me, trying to make me angry enough to hit him. Yes, there was almost an altercation, but it wasn’t unprovoked and it was stopped before anything happened. It was also the last time I’ve seen him.”

“That’s not what he says.” The prosecutor argued.

“And we’re taking the word of a convicted murderer as gospel?” Sam supplied easily. Even though he was exhausted to the point of not being sure of even his own name, much less anything else, he wasn’t going to lose his tempter or get ruffled. He was innocent and getting upset would only make him look guilty. But it seemed like a good time to remind everyone that they weren’t dealing with a choir boy either.

In the next room, Jules was practically chewing through her bottom lip. She’d be pacing the room but didn’t want to take her eyes off Sam. She couldn’t remember him ever looking so tired and she felt guilty because she’d slipped off to sleep so easily and didn’t realize he wasn’t following suit until she woke up to find he hadn’t slept. Still, to all outward appearances, he seemed so unconcerned by the investigation taking place around him. An investigation that could cost him both his freedom and his career. “He should just tell them everything. He’s holding back because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Doesn’t he realize my reputation doesn’t matter as long as he’s okay?”

“To him it does.” Sarge patiently explained to her. Toth’s chief concern about Sam and Jules dating had been that they’d violate the priority of life code to protect the other. A concern that had been negated when Sam had saved the civilian over rescuing Jules at the biolab. Though Greg had hidden behind the same argument, what he was seeing now was his real true concern. He knew they would protect the code but he wasn’t so sure they would protect themselves if they knew the other was in danger. He knew if it came down to it, Sam would risk his own life to protect Jules and vice versa. Personal safety would take a back seat to protecting the other. Greg had seen it too many times in the whole team. It was part of being a family, part of what had led him to question his own judgment as sergeant. It had been scary to see that Spike had apparently not even considered his own safety when trying to protect Lew from the land mine and they’d been just friends. He could see the couple he loved like his own children willingly sacrificing themselves to save or protect the other. And that scared him more than anything. “Sam would do anything to protect you.”

Jules rolled her eyes. She’d already had this argument with Sam over breakfast. “I don’t need protecting. Besides, it’s not like it wouldn’t hurt me worse if he gets into trouble because Johnny wants to hurt me. There’s got to be something we can do. Sam is so sure everything is going to be fine because he’s innocent but innocent people have been framed before. I’m afraid he’s underestimated Johnny’s ability to manipulate people. As kids we used to be in awe of his ability to get out of trouble, admired it even. We were just stupid kids who didn’t see the harm of him getting some random stranger in trouble to protect himself.”

Commander Holleran, who had joined them in the observation room, shook his head. “I have to say, unless he has an airtight alibi, Braddock’s going to have a hard time beating this rap.”

Taking her eyes off Sam for the first time since he’d entered the room, Jules turned and narrowed her eyes, shooting a glare at the commander. Sarge reached over and touched her arm. It wouldn’t do to have two officers facing disciplinary sanctions in one day. She pulled her arm free. 

“Alibi? Seriously? Sam didn’t do anything wrong. Johnny is lying. It’s all he’s capable of doing; lying and hurting people. This isn’t fair. Sam is sure that the system is going to protect him because he’s innocent and you’re standing there saying he needs an alibi or he’s screwed? You’re taking the word of the man who killed my mother and…and hurt me and my family over Sam’s word that he didn’t do anything?” The pure ice in her tone could bring down the meanest of criminals but Holleran barely blinked an eye.

“Constable Callaghan, I’m truly sorry for everything you and your family have been through but that doesn’t change the fact that a crime has been committed. Dawson has evidence that puts Braddock at the scene.” 

Jules’s lower jaw dropped and Greg knew it was only a matter of time before she completely lost her cool and possibly her job. He had corralled the couple when they had first arrived at the station and had been filled in on the dog tag explanation. He intervened, hoping to prevent Jules from blowing up. “Commander, you read the report Sam filed counter to the charges leveled against him. There’s no proof that Sam was wearing his own dog tag when Dawson was attacked.”

“And no proof that he wasn’t.” Holleran countered. “I read the report, Sgt. Parker. Unless either of you can truthfully testify in court that Braddock wears his buddy’s dog tag, it’s still his word against Dawson’s and the evidence is on Dawson’s side. I’m sorry, I like Braddock and more importantly I believe he’s innocent but I have to go with what I can prove. The media will have a field day if they even think we didn’t handle this by the book. We can’t afford to show favoritism.”

“I’m going to get some coffee.” Jules muttered heading for the door. Greg followed her, stopping her right outside the observation room. She refused to meet his concerned gaze. “Sarge, please, I just need a few minutes okay?”

Greg nodded. “I get that. You’ve got to trust that Sam’s going to be okay in all this.”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, sure; I know. Just please give me a few minutes alone. Okay? Please.”

Everything in him said it was a bad idea to let her out of his sight in her current mood but he could understand her need to take a little time for herself. Recognized that it might be better for Sam and for Jules if he let her take it. “Okay. I’ll be here.”

She strode off toward the stairs and it didn’t escape Greg’s notice that it was in the opposite direction of the coffee pot she’d been claiming to go to. He hoped he hadn’t made a mistake in letting her go.

Jules pushed the door open leading to the stairway, half expecting Greg to change his mind and come after her. If he had an inkling of an idea where she was going, he would have. She was sure of that. She didn’t stop until she was exiting the stairwell into the lobby. Her mind was elsewhere until strong familiar arms prevented her from running in to their owner.

“Easy, there Jules. Where’s the fire?” Wordy’s voice was reassuringly calm and friendly. 

She looked up at her old friend, finding she wanted to collapse in his arms and tell him everything. Instead, she just shook her head. “Got a quick errand I have to run. Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

“Not a problem.” Wordy assured her. “The floor’s all done and all that’s left is putting things back. I’ll be glad to help with that if you need me to.” Then he reached for his key ring and slid a familiar key off the ring. “Before I forget, let me give you your key back. Between now and last time, it’s starting to feel like it has a permanent place on my key ring.”

Jules frowned. “What do you mean? What last time?”

“The first time we watched Patches when you and Sam left town for a few days. Sam gave me a key to your place in case we needed something for the cat while you were gone. I’ve got to get upstairs before I’m late. Shell got home early this morning and told me if I ran into the two of you to invite you over for dinner again soon.” He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before saying goodbye.

Jules continued to stand there staring at the silver key in her hand. Her heart rate quickened and she momentarily forgot how to breathe. She hadn’t realized Sam had given a key to Wordy when they went out of town; she wouldn’t be surprised if Sam had forgotten it as well. They had left right after Johnny had been released, after Johnny had gotten his job here at HQ, after Johnny had slashed her tires. She’d wondered if Johnny had gotten into the house by copying her key out of her locker. Spike had assured her that Johnny hadn’t gotten into the locker room but they hadn’t thought about other locker rooms for other divisions. Could he have realized that Sam had leant a key to Wordy and gotten a copy of it from Wordy’s locker? The son of a bitch.

Putting the key on her own key chain, she stormed out of the building and toward the jeep.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

“I just don’t understand it.” Rhonda whined for what had to have been the hundredth time since the hospital staff had gotten JD settled in a room. The night before, she’d fussed about the room, helping him to sit up at the angle he desired, searching for an extra pillow to place behind his head, offering to get him something cold to drink since the doctor had said it was okay, and asking the same question over and over again. Until he’d pleaded that perhaps it would be better if she went home for the night so he could get some much needed rest. She’d willingly agreed, promising to be back first thing in the morning with a delicious breakfast. And return she had as soon as visiting hours had begun, carrying a bag full of enough food to feed the entire floor. And still demanding answers.

JD groaned dramatically. He was truthfully in pain; he’d asked for the beating to be convincing and he’d gotten what he’d asked for. Still, his injuries weren’t nearly as bad as he’d pretended them to be, but he could play them up when it suited his purposes. Like when the officer had arrived in the Emergency Room the night before to take the police report. His performance had been worthy of an Academy Award. It was just a matter of time before Sam Braddock was learning first hand the joys of being a prisoner. 

“Baby? Are you okay? Should I call the nurse?” Rhonda fretted from her perch on the bed beside him. 

“Yeah, Rhonnie, I’ll be okay. No, don‘t call the nurse; it’s too soon for anything else for pain. Baby, I told you already. It’s complicated.”

Rhonda frowned. “But Sam’s always seemed so sweet. I don’t get why he would do something so awful.”

Inwardly, he wanted to smirk. He’d thought it would be difficult to convince those who knew Golden Boy of his guilt but it hadn’t. It hadn’t taken any convincing at all to win Rhonda over to his side but he really hadn’t expected it to. Once he pulled out the dog tag, the others had fallen hook line and sinker for his story. Even Jules believed him; he could tell even though she tried hard to deny it. 

“You can’t blame Sam totally, Rhonnie. Jules is like some sort of black widow. She lures guys in, promises them the world and gets them to do her dirty work for them. She did it to me. Convinced me that she was in grave danger from her mother, my own sister. She told me so many lies that I really thought I was doing the right thing, that I was protecting her. It wasn’t until I was in the first year of a twenty year sentence that I started to realize that I’d been duped. Set up to take a fall. I killed my own sister whom I loved because I believed I was protecting Jules. Sam was doing the same thing. Jules is afraid my return is going to mess up her sweet little life and she turned on the charm to get Sam to take care of the problem. I almost hate to press charges against him because I know he’s not really responsible. But if it gets him free of her clutches, maybe it will be better for him in the long run.”

Rhonda frowned. “I always knew she was too good to be true. She comes across as this nice, girl next door but I always suspected she was a little bitch.” Then she blushed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. She is your niece after all.”

Johnny reached out his hand and gave hers a little squeeze. Inwardly he said a little apology that he had to once again paint JAC in such an unfavorable light. One day he hoped she’d forgive him and understand that he did it for her. He had to make sure she realized he was the only one she could truly turn to and the only way that would happen is if she felt completely cut off from everyone else. Framing Sam would do just that. It would eliminate him from the equation and she’d resent their friends for not trusting him. He didn’t think Rhonda was that close of a friend but he didn’t want to take any chances.

“It’s okay, Baby. I spent twenty of what should have been the best years of my life rotting away in a jail cell because I trusted her. She’s my niece and I love her but eventually she’s got to learn she can’t play with people’s lives like she does. Look at me. I’m in the hospital because she convinced Sam I was dangerous. He could have killed me.”

As he expected, his last sentence sent Rhonda off into a new round of sympathetic fussing over him. Then she frowned. “I’ve got to go to work but I don’t know if I should leave you. Maybe I should call in sick and stay to take care of you.”

Johnny shook his head. Somehow he managed to make his less than painful expression seem like he was trying to hide just how much pain he was in. “No, Rhonnie, I can’t ask you to do that. Go on to work. The nurses will take care of me today -- not as good a care as you would but adequately enough. By the time you get off, the doctors should be ready to release me and you can take me home and take care of me all night. Okay?”

Reluctantly Rhonda agreed and after a couple of kisses, left the hospital room. Johnny allowed the smirk he’d been hiding all morning to emerge. Right about now, Golden Boy was probably answering the charges against him. Since he had the dog tag that “proved” his guilt, it was only a matter of time before he went to jail and lost his job. And then nothing would stand in his way of getting JAC back. 

“Feeling pretty proud of yourself?”

The day gets better and better, he thought. “JAC, what a surprise. I didn’t think you cared.”

Jules stepped fully into the room and let the door close behind her. “I don’t. I saw Rhonda getting on the elevator as I was coming out of the stairwell. Tell me something, do you drug her for sex as well? Or is that something you reserve just for me?”

Johnny smiled and patted the space on the bed next to him as if inviting her to join him. “Jealous, JAC?”

“Hardly.” Jules muttered darkly, keeping her distance from the bed; not that she was worried that he‘d actually try something. “Frankly I don’t care if you screw the entire female population of Toronto as long as they are willing partners. I wasn’t that fortunate though. Not twenty years ago and not ten days ago. Yeah, I finally figured out the truth. I don’t know how you got someone else involved but it was you who drugged and assaulted me in my own living room. I might have been able to go on thinking maybe you weren’t guilty of being involved if you hadn’t let it slip to Sam about my scars. Or maybe it wasn’t a slip. Maybe you let that information out on purpose. Maybe you wanted us to figure it out.”

Johnny’s eyes didn’t betray any emotion. “I don’t know what you are talking about JAC. Are you still trying to pin that on me? Little Girl, it’s time you let that go. It’s not healthy to hold on to things like that, especially when the guy who attacked you is dead. And even more especially when you have bigger problems.”

Jules shrugged. She knew where he was trying to lead her and she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of going there with him. “The only problem I have is that Gram gave birth to sick piece of scum forty-one years ago. Why are you doing this? Sam is innocent and whatever you think you are going to accomplish won’t work.”

“You seem to think I have some sort of nefarious plan in the works, JAC. I’m the victim here, remember?”

Jules snorted. “Right. Victim my ass. Of course you have some sort of nefarious plan. You only do things that are going to benefit you. It’s not going to work this time. Sam’s not going to suffer because you grew up to be some sort of psychotic asshole. I’ll make sure of it.”

Johnny’s eyes narrowed. “You really love him, don’t you?”

“Not that I think you could understand what love really is, but yes I do.” Jules answered without hesitation. Again, she felt a momentary stab of guilt that Sam was going through all this trouble because of her. 

“Enough to do anything to save him?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
It seemed like hours had passed and Sam didn’t think he was any closer to being released than when he first came in. This was his punishment for losing his temper and leaving Jules to have to handle the General by herself. If this was his cross to bear, if this was the price he had to pay, then he’d bear and pay it. Even if the only thing he wanted to do was beat his head against the table until he surrendered to unconsciousness and got the rest he so desperately needed. Perhaps if this didn’t go the way he had thought it would, he could request being put in solitary confinement so he’d at least be able to get uninterrupted rest.

“Constable Braddock, do you really expect us to believe you have no idea where you disposed of your phone?”

Sam sighed. “It’s the truth so believe if it or not, the story is not going to change. I told you; I was mad at my father and not thinking straight. I drove around pretty aimlessly before I stopped to call Jules. I can tell you it was a gas station but which one and where, I have no idea. Don’t you think I’d tell you if I could? At least then there would possibly be pieces of my phone that would prove I was there, maybe a time-stamped video that would be the alibi you seem to think I need.”

The prosecutor closed a file. “If you can’t tell us where you were; if you were so mad that you weren’t thinking straight, who’s to say you didn’t do exactly what Mr. Dawson is accusing you of. Your knuckles say you were in a fight, he says you beat him, and your military dog tag puts you on the scene. I think I have enough to proceed with this case.”

“You’re kidding right? Did I fall asleep somewhere in this interrogation? I must have because there’s no freaking way in a sane world that you are going to arrest me and let that asshole go free. This can’t be happening.”

The union attorney leaned toward him and cautioned him not to say anything else. Instead, Sam pushed the chair back and stood, knocking the chair over in the process. All his earlier thoughts about making sure to keep his cool flying out the window. “I told you I didn’t hurt him. I wasn’t there.”

“Then how did he get your dog tag?”

“He stole them from my house. Probably the same day he sexually assaulted my girlfriend.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Sam paled. He wasn’t going to pull Jules into this. He had no doubt that Johnny wanted to see her suffer and that was the last thing that Sam wanted to do. He’d rather face jail than see her hurt.

The door opened and Sam looked in that direction, expecting to see either Jules or Sarge rush in to try to plead his case for him. Instead, it was Commander Holleran. He asked to speak to both the prosecutor and the lead SIU detective. After a few moments of conversation, where each man occasionally glanced back over at Sam. Finally the prosecutor frowned and returned to the table.

“It’s your lucky day, Constable Braddock. You’re free to go. The charges are being dropped.”


	67. Chapter 67

“What are you talking about?” Jules eyed Johnny, her distrust was obvious.

“Do you love him enough that you would do anything to save him?” Johnny reiterated. “That’s the reason you really came here, isn’t it? To beg me not to press charges against Golden Boy? I know it is. The thing is, JAC, I agreed to do that after James punched me. Agreed to do it simply because your boss suggested it would be what you would want and that you’d been through enough without having to worry about anything else. Agreed to it without asking for anything in return. Not this time though. If you want me to drop the charges against your lover, then you’re going to have to do something for me in return.”

Jules’s skin crawled at the mere thought of owing Johnny anything. She couldn’t help but flashback to the night in the hospital, lying in the bed still a helpless prisoner in her own body thanks to the drug she’d been given. Sam had thought he was giving her good news when he’d reported Sarge’s announcement that James wouldn’t face charges for his actions. Instead, his words had had the completely opposite effect. She’d wondered what Johnny’s generosity would cost her. Perhaps subconsciously she’d still been waiting for it. “Quid pro quo, huh?”

Johnny smiled. “Exactly. I knew you would understand. Nothing in this world is free. There’s always a cost. The question is, how big of a cost will it be?”

“Knowing you, it’ll be a high price to pay. Always has been, you sick son of a bitch. Forget it. Sam is right; he’s innocent and he’ll be vindicated. And when he is, we’re both going to make sure you pay for every vile and disgusting thing you’ve done.”

He laughed, the sound both creepy and patronizing at the same time. “Still so naïve after all this time. That’s sweet, JAC. Sure, you could trust that the system is going to protect one of its own but can you really afford to take that chance? You know they don’t allow conjugal visits to prisoners that aren’t married, don’t you? Can you really live with yourself if your Golden Boy goes to jail because of this? He’s only involved because of you. Will you be able to sleep at night knowing you had the chance to make all this go away without any repercussions to Sam and didn’t take the opportunity? If he loses his job or goes to jail or both, can you handle knowing it was all your fault?”

No matter how much she knew he was trying to manipulate her, his words cut straight into the guilt she’d been feeling since the night before when Johnny had first made his accusations. Sam was involved in all of this because of her. Even the argument with his father that had caused him to storm out of the apartment in the first place had been about her. While she could hear his voice in her head telling her that he didn’t blame her and urging her not to listen to anything Johnny had to say, she couldn’t ignore the responsibility she felt towards doing what she could to help Sam. She willed back a tear she felt forming in the corner of her eye. She wouldn’t cry, not in front of Johnny. She wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“What would it cost me?” She didn’t even recognize her own voice.

His smile broadened. “Nothing you wouldn’t enjoy. Not much you haven‘t already given me before.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Sam stared at the prosecutor as if he’d grown another head. “Dropped? Why? Just a second ago you were practically ready to bury me under the jail.”

Holleran frowned. “You complaining, Braddock?”

“No, sir.” Sam assured him. “Just confused. I know you carry a lot of clout around here but I don’t think mere words from you would just suddenly convince the prosecutor to drop the charges. There has to be a reason and I think since it involves my life, I should be allowed to know what it was.”

“Your alibi for last night was established.”

Sam cocked his head to one side, looking at Holleran in confusion. Alibi? He’d been very upfront about the fact that he couldn’t prove his whereabouts at the time of the attack on Dawson. What was this talk about an alibi? “I already told you that I don’t have an alibi for last night. Who’s providing this so-called alibi?” The insinuation was clear even if he didn’t outright say it. Whoever was claiming to be with him was lying. He knew it wasn’t Jules and was almost as sure that it wasn’t anyone else on the team. With the exception of their secret relationship, Jules wouldn’t lie for him. She wouldn’t even tell a little fib to cover for him if he was running late for work. She certainly wouldn’t falsify a police statement even if it would protect him from being arrested. 

“Constable Braddock…” The union lawyer tried to get him to stay silent. Sam heard the man’s underlying message. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Don’t make waves and this can all be over.

“No, I’m innocent. I wasn’t anywhere near Dawson last night and I didn’t lay a hand on him no matter how much he deserved it. I don’t need to hide behind a trumped up alibi to fight a trumped up charge.”

Holleran looked at the other men in the room. “Give us a minute, please.”

The prosecutor and SIU detective readily agreed but the union lawyer started to protest. He didn’t want to take any chances that Sam’s rights would be violated. But after a heavy glare from Holleran, he too acquiesced. Holleran sat down on one side of the table and motioned for Sam to once more take his seat. With a slight huff, Sam righted his chair and flopped back into it, not meeting the other man’s stern gaze. 

“Braddock, your father provided your alibi and I think it would be better for you to just accept it.”

Even though he had just sat down, Sam once more shot up out of his seat, once more knocking it over in the process. He didn’t care how it made him look; just hearing that his father was involved made his blood boil all over again. He began to pace the room like a caged animal. “That’s great; just fucking great. Leave it to the General to decide the truth doesn’t matter. It’s his fault I’m in this mess and now he’s going to make it worse by lying about my whereabouts?”

“Braddock, sit down.” Holleran’s tone was calm compared to Sam’s but still had the authoritative edge that usually got him results. Not this time. Sam continued to pace. “Braddock, I called your father this morning to tell him what was going on. Though I had a hard time convincing him that I really was your CO.”

Great, at least he wasn’t accepting a psychopath’s word that that he was someone he wasn’t anymore. Too bad he hadn’t been that suspicious when Sam was being accused of hurting Jules. “You didn’t have to do that, Sir.”

Holleran shrugged. “When he arranged this job for you, he asked me to keep him informed of things. I was a military man once myself. When a General issues an order, my response is to say ‘yes, sir.’”

Definitely his father’s favorite two words, Sam thought bitterly. He didn’t say anything, however; it wouldn’t do any good. It also explained why the General hadn’t seemed too surprised when Sam had opened a dialogue about other career options when it looked like he and Jules were going to be separated when their relationship came out. He’d thought it was just that the General had been so sure he would come crawling back wanting to return to the military, but now he knew better. Holleran had apparently already ratted him out. Holleran continued.

“Once I convinced him I was who I claimed to be, I informed him of the charges being leveled against you. I don’t think I have to tell you he was not happy.”

The General made a lifestyle out of not being happy. On one level, Sam knew he was being petty, but his emotions were still too raw from the memory of being accused of hurting Jules to be magnanimous toward the General. 

“I’m sure he was quick to tell you how disappointed he was in me.”

“Hardly.” Holleran admitted. “He ripped me a new one for even entertaining the idea. Said there was no way you could be guilty of the assault. Said he could verify your whereabouts for the entire evening.”

“He’s lying, Sir.” Sam interjected. He wasn’t sure he wanted his father’s help even if he really had spent every moment with the man. But he certainly wasn’t going to be beholden to the man for lying for him. 

“Without him you would be on your way to be processed into the system. Your job would be in jeopardy.” Holleran reminded him.

“But my integrity would be intact. Sir, I have to say I’m surprised at your reaction in this. I’m telling you that after I left my apartment yesterday, I didn’t see or talk to my dad again. He can’t provide me with an alibi that doesn’t exist.”

Standing, Holleran shook his head. “Maybe you should talk to your father. He’s in the observation room.”

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same.” Sam replied honestly, but his words fell on unsympathetic ears. 

“It’s not. I’ll send him in.”

Sam sighed and set the chair back upright before slouching into the seat. He knew it would drive his father crazy that, first of all, he wasn’t standing at attention when he came in, and second, that he was slouching to boot. Anything that would show the man that he wasn’t happy with him.

“Samuel.”

As often happened when he was around his father, Sam once more felt like he was that 9 year old boy that had failed to protect his sister. It was an awful feeling that had only gotten worse over the years, making him feel more defiant and sullen than he ever had as a small boy. It wasn’t something he was necessarily proud of but not something he felt he had real control over either. 

General Braddock continued to stand; the epitome of the perfect soldier and the perfect contrast to Sam’s posture. The elder Braddock seemed to be waiting for something and when he realized it wasn’t going to be forthcoming he sighed and took the seat Holleran had vacated moments earlier. “This morning was the second time I’ve gotten a call saying you were being accused of hurting someone. Sounds like someone is going to a lot of effort trying to get you in trouble. Is that girl worth you losing everything that is important to you?”

Sam bristled. No longer slouching, he leaned across the table, glaring at his father. “That girl has a name; it’s Jules. And yes she is worth losing everything because NOTHING is as important as she is. She’s not responsible for any of this; she’s more of a victim than I am. And whether or not you understand this or not, I love her.”

General Braddock frowned. “She has no respect for authority.”

Sam shook his head. “You’re wrong there as well. She has a lot of respect for authority. She can follow the chain of command without question. She’s just smart enough to recognize that you have no authority over her. I admire her all the more because of it.”

“You sound pretty ungrateful considering I just saved your ass.”

“Pardon me if I don’t appreciate someone lying on my behalf.” Sam practically growled. “You used to tell me that a man’s word is tied into his honor. What happened to your honor if you can so easily lie about last night?”

The General opened his mouth to respond but Sam cut him off, his voice hard and unforgiving. “All my life, you’ve talked about honor and how important it is to be a man of integrity. Stressed that the military could make me into that man. But you’ve been in the military almost your whole adult like and I’m not seeing much integrity in your actions.”

The older man visible bristled at the accusation. His anger was so palpable that he appeared ready to hit Sam, seemed ready to knock his son out of his seat. Two things stopped Sam from cringing in that moment. One, he was too furious to fully be cognizant of the extent of his father’s anger, and two, his father had never hit him before and he didn‘t expect this to be any different. Even disciplinary actions as a child had been handled in a military way complete with dressing downs and sanctions against privileges. It had always been his mother who had taken a more traditional stance when his actions had called for her to discipline him. 

“Explain yourself, Samuel. I understand you haven’t been pleased with me but you have no reason to question my integrity. I may have been led astray but I’ve been brutally honest in my reactions.”

Sam laughed out loud but the sound lacked any humor or warmth. “Right, that’s why you lied and told Commander Holleran that I was with you last night to provide me with an alibi. Yeah, that’s brutally honest.”

His mouth in a thin line was as close to an eye roll as the General allowed himself. “I never said you were with me the entire night. I said I could verify your whereabouts for the entire time. That is the truth.”

For a third time Sam’s chair scraped across the floor as Sam rose. This time, however, the chair stayed upright. He shook his head bitterly. “Oh Great and Wonderful General Badass, how the hell can you do that when I can’t even verify my whereabouts with 100% accuracy.”

“Because unlike you I am not blinded by my emotions. And unlike human alibis, a satellite record will not be questioned. Once Commander Holleran informed me of the situation, I supplied him with the GPS coordinates of everywhere you drove last night including satellite authenticated time stamps of when you were there.” 

Sam frowned and his eyes narrowed. “My bike doesn’t have any such GPS feature.”

General Braddock shrugged. “No one that came standard at least. I had the latest our military had to offer installed just after you settled here and bought the bike. Had one in your car as well. There’s a similar chip in your sister’s and your mother’s cars. I make no apologies for using any means at my disposal to make sure my family is protected.”

Sam didn’t know what to say. His bike had essentially been LoJacked without his permission by his own father. What kind of gall did it take to sit there and calmly admit to putting a tracker on your grown kids’ vehicles? Apparently the kind of gall his father had because he seemed completely unfazed by his announcement. Sam shook his head. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”

“Thank you would be nice but not what I expect of you. Instead, let’s discuss this man who seems intent on discrediting you. He sounds like a dangerous problem that needs to be eradicated. How can I help?”

“By leaving me the hell alone.” Sam warned, his voice low and dangerous. “I don’t want anything from you except one thing.”

If General Braddock wasn’t happy about the apparent rejection, he didn’t show it. “What is that?”

“I want what Gramps promised me when he died. I know you’ve got it locked away somewhere where not even Mom can get to it. Give it to me and then stay the hell out of my life.”

“You plan on putting it to use? Maybe planning on giving it to that…to Jules?” He self corrected himself just in time but the slip was still apparent. His expression gave nothing away but Sam was confident he heard disapproval in his father’s voice. But whether that was because he was expecting to hear it or because it was really there, Sam didn’t know.

“Maybe.” Sam allowed. “But it’s really not any of your business. It’s rightfully mine to do with anything I might want to do with it. Throw it away, sell it, use it for target practice. Don’t need your approval and you don’t get a say.” Not that he’d ever dishonor his grandfather’s memory by doing any of those things. He’d been a reckless, irresponsible teen when his grandfather had told him about the legacy he was leaving Sam. Even as stupid and immature as he’d been at the time, his grandfather’s words had left an impression on him and he’d recognized the importance of what he was being told.

The truth was he knew exactly what he wanted to do with his special inheritance; he just wasn’t sure of the timing. Whether he waited a few weeks, a few months, or even years to put his grandfather’s gift to its proper use, he was certain he at least wanted it in his possession so he didn’t have to answer to his father any more.

“I promised my father on his death bed that I wouldn’t allow you to make a poor choice. I’m not going to back down from that promise because you feel the need to spite me.” The General’s even calm tone grated on Sam’s already frazzled nerves. 

“And with all due respect, you don’t get to dictate or control the choices I make. It’s my life and I get to choose what I want and who I want.”

General Braddock left the interrogation room without another word. Sam once more sank into the chair he’d abruptly left several times already. He folded his arms on the table before resting his head on his hands. It was only a few minutes before a comforting hand gripped his shoulder. However, it wasn’t the touch he wanted or needed at the moment. 

He looked up into the sympathetic eyes of Greg Parker. The SRU sergeant regarded him carefully. “Tough situation. I’m sorry you had to go through this.”

“At least its over.”

Sarge frowned. “Not quite over, I’m afraid.”

Sam couldn’t quite suppress the groan that Greg’s pronouncement caused in him. “Don’t tell me I’m still going to be suspended.”

“No, without knowing what was going to happen today, we got Team four to cover our shift; Spike’s working with them but we’ll all - minus Eddy and Raf of course -- be back on shift tomorrow. It’s Jules.”

His heart rate quickened as Sam’s eyes widened and he stood again this time in fear, not anger. “What happened?”

“Seeing you in trouble was starting to get to her. I honestly thought she was going to tear Holleran’s head off at one point. She said she was going for coffee but she’s been gone long enough to have grown the coffee beans herself. I’ve tried calling her but she’s not answering. She must have turned off her phone cause Spike can’t pick up her GPS signal any longer. But he did get her last position before she turned it off. It was the hospital that Dawson was taken to.”

Sam shook his head. “She wouldn’t go there. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. Just wouldn’t happen.”

Greg’s frown deepened, his own fears had been growing every since Jules had walked toward the stairwell. “She’s blaming herself for you being in trouble. Holleran wasn’t painting a very positive picture for you -- this was before he’d gotten word from your father clearing you. I think it’s quite possible she went to the hospital to try to talk Dawson into dropping the charges against you.”

“Then we have to get there. The only way Johnny would even think about dropping the charges would be if Jules gave him something in return. I think we both know what that would be. I‘ll be damned if I‘m going to let her sacrifice herself to save me.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Jules pulled her jeep into the empty driveway. She hoped the closed garage hid the car that would mean the occupant of the house was at home. Her hands were still shaking as she gripped the steering wheel. She hadn’t been aware of much after leaving the hospital. Her over riding though had been to go home and lock herself in the bathroom where she could alternate standing beneath a scalding shower head and puking her guts up. Instead, she’d somehow found herself here. She wasn’t sure why.

On shaky legs she got out of the jeep and made her way up the walk. After Beth’s suicide half a lifetime ago, Jules had found it difficult making friends with other women. She was much more comfortable being around the guys than people of her own gender. Still, this wasn’t something she felt comfortable discussing with anyone on the team -- not even Sam. Knowing she needed a female ear to confide in, her choice of destinations was clear to her.

The door flew open before she could even reach the porch and two small girls ran out to great her. The younger of the two launched herself completely at Jules with careless abandoned. Jules had to suppress the groan as catching the little girl caused her still sore ribs to twinge. 

“Aunt Jules, we went to Minivaykay. Daddy had to work sos he didn’t come. ‘Sides, he had to watch Patches. You should see him, he’s so big now.” Ally’s excitement would normally be contagious but Jules could barely muster even the slightest interest. 

“She means we went on a mini vacation. She thinks it’s an actual place not an activity.” Shelley explained as she stepped out on the porch. She gave both Lilly and Ally a stern look. “What have I told you about running out of the house like that?”

Lilly’s whole face wrinkled up and had Jules been in a better frame of mind she would have recognized it as a similar expression that Wordy would get when he was truly puzzled about something. “But Mommy, we saw it was Jules. We’ve missed her. We haven’t seen her in like forever. You didn’t come to take Patches home did you?” Once more Shelley shot a censoring look at her middle child and Lilly amended her answer. “I mean we’ve really enjoyed keeping him.”

As Jules climbed the steps to the porch, still carrying Ally, Shelley couldn’t help but recognize that something was wrong. The young woman who had worked with Wordy for so long reminded Shelley of a skittish deer or, if she was really honest, herself before Wordy had rescued her from her abusive first husband. Shelley rescued Jules from the rather rambunctious three year old and set Ally on her feet just inside the house. “Sorry, Jules, forever in their minds usually consists of anything more than a few days. Lilly, how about you and Ally go watch that movie you’ve been begging me about all morning.”

Lilly pouted. “But Mommy, Jules is here. We want to show her the tricks we’ve taught Patches.”

“Lillian Catherine…” Shelley’s tone was gentle but firm. Lilly hung her head and took her little sister by the hand. 

“Come on Ally. I think Mommy wants to talk to Jules without our ears hearing.”

Shelley chuckled as her two youngest went to the family room as requested. Then she looked back at Jules. She didn’t have the profiling skills that her husband had but she could tell the look of someone who was close to shock and it was obvious to her that Jules was all but traumatized by something. She hadn’t even looked this upset just days after being drugged and attacked. “Jules, Wordy is at work…”

Jules nodded. “I know; I saw him there earlier. I hope you don’t mind me stopping in like this but I needed someone I could talk to. Someone who might come close to understanding. I didn’t know where else to go.” She glanced back toward the door. “I didn’t even think about the fact that you just got home…”

“Stop. You’re a friend; you are always welcome here. How about we go into the kitchen? The movie will occupy the girls for a little while.”

Jules nodded almost woodenly. She glanced toward the living room where she could hear the excited chatter of Lilly and Ally as they got ready to watch whatever movie it was they had been requesting. “Where’s Cally?’

“School. We should have come home yesterday so she could get a good night’s sleep but they were having so much fun I didn’t want to cut it short. We barely made it home in time for her to catch the bus. Can I get you some coffee?”

Jules nodded and followed her down the hall to the kitchen. She sat at the kitchen table looking almost adrift as Shelley retrieved two mugs from the cabinet and poured the coffee from the carafe. Given the younger woman’s current state, Shelley questioned the wisdom of offering her coffee. But it was clear Jules needed something to do with her hands and maybe the caffeine would give her a needed boost to get through what was troubling her. 

A soft meow broke the quiet as Shelley put the mugs on the table and sat down on the opposite side of the table as Jules. A small bundle of fur brushed against Jules’s leg. She glanced down as the kitten arched his back and placed his paws on Jules’s legs as if begging to be picked up. Jules scooped him up and settled him in her lap. The feline licked her arm in her greeting, its rough tongue tickling her skin. Absently she rubbed his head as he tried to climb all over her. 

“I think he’s missed you.” Shelley admitted. She didn’t want to push Jules to talk even though it was obvious she needed to do just that. 

Jules nodded slightly, tears she didn’t want to shed filling her eyes. “I miss him too. I never thought I’d get attached to another animal but I did and I almost lost him. Maybe you and Wordy should find someone else to take him. Someone whose life isn’t so screwed up that she ends up hurting the people and creatures she loves the most. I certainly don‘t deserve him loving me back.”

Shelley reached over and gave Jules’s arm a reassuring squeeze. “Jules, you weren’t responsible for what happened to the cat. Don’t blame yourself. Look at how content he is. Children and animals are good judges of character. They don‘t give their love to someone who doesn‘t deserve it.”

It was true; the kitten had settled into a ball in Jules’s lap and had promptly fallen asleep, comfortable and content. Even as he slept, his soft purrs could be heard. A single tear ran down her cheek. Jules wanted to gentle place the kitten on the floor beside the chair. He was a baby still; what did he know about who he should trust or not? 

Shelley saw the tear and frowned. Maybe this was bigger than anything she could handle. “Should I call Kevin? Sam? Greg?”

Jules shook her head. “No, I just…I don’t know. I grew up with four brothers; I’m a cop who spends more time being just one of the guys. I love them to death and I know they would do anything for me. But sometimes you just need another female to talk to. You know?”

Shelley smiled wanly. “Yeah, I do know. I spend the majority of my days with Ally and Lilly; as much as I love them, sometimes I just need to have a conversation with someone that doesn’t include Barbie or Barney. There have been some days I’ve made a special trip to Costco just so I could exchange a few words with the cashier when I checked out. And as much as I love Kevin, long heart to heart conversations aren’t always easy for him. He tries; bless his heart, he really tries. But he’s a Mr. Fix-it. If I confide in him about a problem, he wants to be able to do something to make it better. He doesn’t always realize that sometimes I just need to get things off my chest so I can hear how it sounds and then deal with it my own way. Is Sam that way?”

Jules stared off into space for a few minutes. Then she shook her head. “Sam’s been great. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect, more understanding guy. But I did something today. Something I’m not proud of. And I don’t know if even he’ll be able to forgive me when he finds out.”


	68. Chapter 68

“Sam, Buddy, we need to talk about this.” Sarge began. It wasn’t the first time he’d tried to talk Sam out of his current plan since he first told him Jules’s last location. Each time his reasoning had fallen on deaf ears. He wasn’t surprised; he’d known Sam wasn’t going to take the news well when he’d first told him. In fact, he’d debated on whether he should have told him in the first place. But in the end, he had to be honest. The one concession Sam had made, which wasn’t much of a concession considering Sam didn’t have a vehicle at HQ since Jules had taken the jeep, was in letting Greg drive. 

Now as they were nearing the hospital, Greg was trying once more to reach the younger man. It was his last chance because he knew as soon as he pulled into a parking space, Sam would be out of the car in an instant. Hell, maybe even before he stopped the car. “What’s your plan?”

Sam stared out the window, his mouth a tight line of worry. “To make sure Jules doesn’t sell her soul to the devil in a attempt to save my sorry ass. She’s not answering her phone so the only way to let her know that I’m okay, that I’ve been cleared, is to see her face to face.”

Greg frowned. It wasn’t the first time he’d made some sort of reference to Jules making a deal with Dawson. “You don’t really think she’d… Jules wouldn’t…”

The straight line of his mouth curved downward into a frown as he looked at Greg. He nodded. “Yeah, I do. As much as he hurt her; as much as it would kill her emotionally to let him get anywhere close to her, yeah, I think she would endure it if she thought it would save me. She blames herself for me being in trouble. Told me last night and again at breakfast this morning that she felt responsible. That if Dawson hadn’t fixated on her the way he has, I wouldn’t be facing charges. He’s playing a mind game on her and even though she knows she’s being played, it doesn’t stop her from feeling guilty. I probably didn’t help as much as I thought I did. I focused more on the rational side of reminding her that I was innocent and that the system would support me. I thought I had convinced her.”

Greg frowned as he pulled into the parking garage next to the hospital. “But when she heard Holleran talking about how bleak it looked--how they had to tread carefully because of public opinion--she wasn’t so sure the system would work in time. Still, I can’t see anything happening. He’s in the hospital.”

Sam shook his head, his hand on the door handle ready to throw open the door as soon as Greg was parked. “He wouldn’t let that stop him.”

Pulling into a space and turning off the engine, Greg reached out and caught Sam’s arm before he could get out. “Sam, I get that you have to do this. I don’t like it but I do get it. Just promise me you won’t do anything that will just cause more trouble. The last thing either of you needs is more trouble. You know if you go in there, he’s going to push your buttons…”

“I’ll keep my temper in check.” Sam promised. “I’m not going to punch his lights out no matter what he says to me. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted you here. You’ll be my alibi if he tries to start some shit. Although all bets are off if he’s hurt or is hurting Jules.”

“I wouldn’t even try to stop you if he was.” Greg assured him, releasing his arm. They made their way through the lobby of the hospital, and after getting a room number, up to the correct floor. 

With a couple of sharp raps on the door, Sam pushed the door open and barged into the room. At first Johnny seemed surprised, perhaps even shocked, to see him. He recovered quickly, a slow sardonic smile filling his features. “I don’t think you are supposed to be here. I’m not going to complain; it’ll just make my charges against you even stronger. I can add harassment to the assault charges. Sweet.”

“The charges against Sam have been dropped. His whereabouts last night have been verified.” Greg explained in a tone similar to one he used when dealing with difficult subjects. 

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “How’d you manage that? Get Daddy to pull some strings?”

The fact that his alibi had indeed came from his father mixed with the foul taste from that argument still fresh on his mind, Sam could feel himself once more getting hot. Still he worked hard not to show it. “Unlike some people, I don’t have to fake alibis. When you are innocent, you don’t have to make up stories. Where’s Jules?”

Johnny shrugged. “Why would you assume that I know where my niece is? It’s not like I keep tabs on her. Obviously she’s not here. Maybe she’s finally realized she’s been wasting her time with you. After all, if she really loved you, wouldn’t she be at your side in your time of need?”

Johnny could try as hard as he wanted to try to make Sam doubt the love Jules had for him. He could try but he wouldn’t succeed any more than he had when he’d tried to convince Jules that Sam had beaten him. “We know she was here. Probably trying to talk some sense into your ass. So help me, if you’ve hurt her…”

Johnny laughed. “You’ll what? Seriously, I spent twenty years in prison. There’s not much I haven’t heard in the way of threats before. You’ll have to come up with something pretty impressive if you really want to scare me. Besides, it‘s not my fault if you‘ve upset her so much that she‘s running away from you.” 

Neither Sam nor Sarge said anything. Johnny’s smug expression slipped a little; he’d hoped to get a reaction out of at least Sam. Maybe he needed to change tactics. “Okay, so yeah, she was here earlier. Begged me to drop the charges against you. Said you shouldn’t be punished because you chose to love her. I, of course, told her there wasn’t much I could do. I had told the truth and it was out of my hands now. She didn’t want to accept that answer.”

Of course she didn’t want to accept the answer because it was a bald face lie. Sam thought bitterly. But at the same time, he didn’t want to think of her begging Johnny for anything. It made him think of how she had, at age 16, probably begged the man not to hurt her, not to take her innocence away. His hatred for the man in the hospital bed grew with every second he spent in the room. His jaw started to rock in anger. 

Johnny continued. “She started chewing on her bottom lip; you know like she does when she’s nervous? She wouldn’t meet my eyes, just stared at some random spot on the floor. She said something but it was so soft I couldn’t hear her. Had to ask her to repeat herself. Then she jutted that chin out and looked up. Said there had to be something she could do to change my mind. Said she’d do anything if it meant you went free. Really stressed the word anything. How could I turn that down?”

Sam’s stomach turned. The insinuation was clear and exactly what he’d feared the moment Sarge had told him where Jules had headed. He shook his head, wanting to put his hands over his ears in a childish way of blocking out what he didn’t want to hear.

Johnny’s eyes took on a faraway cast as if reliving a moment. “I’ve heard about people doing it in a hospital bed but the reality of it was so much better. Damn she’s one sexy woman. Full of both sweet and sass at the same time. After twenty years without having sex, I blew my load just at the thought of getting laid. But it didn’t matter because the girl sure knew how to get me hard again in an instant. You were one lucky man, Braddock.”

Sarge stopped him. “You’re saying that you and Jules had sex in this hospital room where a nurse or doctor could have walked in at any moment? Not buying it.”

“Nobody said you had to.” Johnny seemed unconcerned. “Oh, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all wham, bam, thank you ma’am to start with. I had to talk her through what to do. Told her to put a chair under the door handle to make it harder for someone to walk in on us. Even had to tell her exactly what to do in bed as well. But she’s a quick learner there, isn’t she, Braddock? Between her sweet tight sex and her hot little mouth, I don‘t think my dick has ever been that satisfied. Acted all shy and nervous but that disappeared pretty quickly once she put that talented little mouth to work. Best blow job I’ve ever had. All I had to do was lie here and enjoy both the view and everything that went with it. Then she straddled me and rode me like someone’s life depended on it. Totally incredible. She looked like she enjoyed it as much as I did, which was a hell of a lot. I almost regret that it was apparently all for nothing since you got free without her giving herself to me like she did. Almost but not really. Totally worth getting beaten up over. You’re going to miss getting to enjoy doing her aren’t you?”

Greg stepped between the bed and Sam. He felt completely disgusted hearing Dawson talk so callously about the woman he considered like a daughter. In his line of work, he’d seen some of the worst humanity had to offer but right then he couldn’t pinpoint anyone lower than Johnny. To Greg’s surprise, Sam made no move toward the man saying such vile things. 

“Where…is….she?” Each word was low and dragged out as if it was taking everything in Sam to remain in control. Greg figured it probably was. 

Johnny shrugged. “She was pretty upset when we were finished. Said something about not being able to face you after this. I tried to tell her you would understand that she did it for you but that only seemed to make her feel worse. Not sure if it was the fact that she cheated on you or that you put her in the situation where she had to cheat that was worrying her more. She said it would be better if she just went away completely. Said something about visiting Ridge in The Hat. I bet she’s already caught a flight by now. Too bad because therapy like hers would make these injuries heal so much faster.”

Without another word, Sam turned and stormed out of the room, the door crashing against the wall as he flung it open. Before following him out, Greg leveled his gaze straight on Johnny. “When we find Jules, if her story is not the same as yours; if she gives me any indication that you forced her to do anything, I will be back and I will arrest you. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you spend at least another twenty years in jail, preferably longer.”

His threat didn’t seem to bother Johnny, who laughed. “Pardon me if I don’t rush out to complete my change of address cards. You won’t have anything to pin on me. Jules had all the power here and she made her choices all on her own without any help with me. Nothing happened that she didn‘t want or agree to.”

Greg shook his head. “You are the sorriest excuse for a human being that I’ve met in a long time, my friend. A long time. You make me sick.”

Stepping back into the hallway, Greg could see no sign of Sam. He stopped a passing nurse to see if she’d seen him. She pointed toward the stairwell before going into Johnny’s room. Greg was about to follow when his phone rang. He hoped it was Jules finally returning one of his calls but saw that it was Wordy instead. He hit the answer button.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Sam paced back and forth behind Greg’s vehicle, feeling once more like a caged animal even though he had all the space in the world. He kept glancing behind him watching for Sarge to return. What was taking so long? Sam had to find Jules. Had to make sure she was okay; had to apologize for putting her in this situation, had to make sure she could forgive him and that she knew he didn’t blame her for anything. He cursed himself for destroying his phone so he couldn’t at least use this time waiting to try to get in touch with her. Even if she didn’t answer, he could at leave her voice mail after voice mail assuring her that he loved her no matter what. Assuring her that they would get through this as well as long as they had each other.

He kicked the back tire and swore out loud. What was taking the boss so long? Sure he had flown down those stairs like the devil himself was chasing him but it shouldn’t take this long for the older man to catch up with him. Johnny’s words kept running through his head on continuous play. The images and the emotions filling his mind and acting as a toxin running through his entire body. A toxin that his body finally had enough of and purged from its system. One hand went to the trunk of the car to support him as he doubled over and threw up right in the parking garage. Afterward, he reached for his handkerchief to wipe his mouth and noticed that Greg had arrived and was standing back a little to give him some privacy. 

“Jules is safe.” Greg assured him as he now approached. 

“You heard those things he said.” Sam protested. “Yeah, I’m sure he embellished a lot, especially the part about her enjoying what that sick bastard forced her to do. Shit, Boss. You heard him, the things he made her do to save me. Even if she agreed to everything, it was still by force because she didn’t think she had an alternative, because she felt like she had to in order to keep me out of trouble. I’ll put the majority of the blame where it belongs but I’ve got to save some of that for myself. My actions, even though I didn’t do anything to him, put her in that position. I’ve got to live with that but first I’ve got to find her. Can we call the airports and see if she booked a flight? Maybe call her father and brothers and see if she talked to them? I’m sorry, Boss but if she’s taken a flight somewhere I have to follow her and work this out…”

“Sam,” Greg cut in without success.

“I know we’re short handed but I’ve got to do this.”

“Sam, she didn’t take a flight anywhere. Wordy just called me. Shel called him trying to get in touch with you. Jules is at his house. She’s safe.”

Like a balloon with a slow leak, Sam sagged against the trunk of the car. Then the implication of Greg’s final word hit him. He said she was safe, not that she was okay or fine. And yes, there was a difference. His stomach twisted once more. “How is she?”

“Get in, I’ll explain on the way.”

Once they were in the car and buckled up, Sam shook his head. “How bad?”

“According to what Shel told Wordy, Jules showed up needing to talk to someone. Shel said she said something had happened and that you would never forgive her. When Shelley tried to get her to explain, Jules broke down. Shelley managed to get her upstairs to the bedroom so she wouldn’t scare the girls but now Jules has locked herself in the bathroom.”

Sam tried to control his breathing as his heart broke for the woman he loved. He wanted to urge Greg to drive faster so he could get to her quicker. Even as strong as Jules was, which he knew was strong but wasn’t quite as strong as she led everyone to believe, not even she could continue to withstand all the pain and misery the last few weeks had caused her. Allowing the man who had caused all of her pain to have her body was a breaking point Sam was sure even Jules couldn’t withstand.

He thought about their lovemaking in the early hours of the morning. The almost careless abandon with which she’d flipped him over on the bed and made love to him had been powerful and intoxicating. It had been one of those rare moments where she had not only opened up to him as fully as she could but had actually taken control. As wonderful a lover as she was, there was a hesitancy and almost nervousness about her in the bedroom, a little spark of fear that he had always seen but didn’t understand until she’d finally started to confide in him what Johnny had done to her. 

He reached in his back pocket for his wallet and pulled out a business card. Then he looked at Greg. “Can I borrow your phone?”

Greg handed him the phone. He recognized the card in Sam’s hand and it broke his heart. The team was his family and Jules and Sam two of his kids. It was killing him to see them suffering so much. “You think that’s necessary?”

For a second, Sam didn’t reply as he punched in the numbers of the private cell written out in neat professional handwriting. He didn’t want to have to go through channels with this. Before he connected the call he shook his head. “My heart wants to say no. That all it will take is me getting there and talking to her and everything will be okay. But if there is a grain of truth in what he said, then yeah, I think it is more than necessary.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Shelley stood outside the closed and locked bathroom door. She’d lost count of the number of times she’d heard the retching that signaled that Jules was once more throwing up. This time it sounded more like dry heaves instead of actually throwing up. A couple of tears rolled down Shelley’s cheek as she hoped that Kevin had gotten in touch with Sam.

For a moment Jules reminded Shelley of herself during some of the darkest moments of her first marriage. Shelley couldn’t count the number of times she’d locked herself in the bathroom of the apartment she’d shared with the man who had so tormented her life. Locked herself away even if it meant a worse beating later because she just needed a respite from the pain. It hadn’t been until Kevin had shown up one day, knowing something was wrong but not what, and had refused to leave until she opened the door and confided in him. Had he not persisted, she’d probably either still be in a loveless abusive marriage or be dead right now. 

Wiping away her sympathetic tears, Shelly gave a soft knock to the door. “Jules, unlock the door. Let me help you. Whatever it is; we’ll work through it.”

“Mommy.” Lilly appeared at the bedroom door. “There’s someone at the door.”

Dimly Shelley had thought she’d heard the doorbell but she’d ignored it. She glanced back at her middle daughter. It couldn’t be Sam. Even after telling the girls repeatedly not to open the door without either hers or Kevin’s permission, both Lilly and Ally would have ignored the rule if it had been Sam, just as they had with Jules earlier. “Who is it, Lilly?”

“She said her name was Dr. Laura. Mommy, is Jules okay? Is she sick? Is that why a doctor is here?”

“Don’t worry about Jules, Baby; she’s going to be okay. Mommy will go answer the door.” Casting another glance back toward the locked bathroom, Shelley followed Lilly back downstairs. Looking through the peephole, she didn’t recognize the woman standing on the porch. She opened the door. The woman smiled at her.

“Mrs. Wordsworth, I’m Dr. Amanda Luria. Sam Braddock called me and asked me to meet him here. Said Jules was going through a hard time.”

Shelley nodded, recognizing the name of the psychologist that had worked with Kevin’s team for awhile. She stepped to the side to allow the woman to enter. “I’m glad that Kevin was able to get in touch with Sam. Jules is upstairs. She’s locked herself in the bathroom.”

Shelley showed the psychologist the way to the bedroom. Dr. Luria knocked gently on the bathroom door. “Jules, it’s Luria. Can we talk?”

There was no answer but Luria could hear the loud ragged breathing that suggested that Jules was close to hyperventilating. Luria frowned. “Come on Jules, open the door and let me in. I doubt Wordy wants to replace the door and you know when Sam gets here if you have that door locked, he’s going to break it down to get to you.”

Still no answer. Sam had filled Luria in on what he knew but the psychologist still needed to hear from Jules herself to get the full story. Shelley touched her arm. “If Kevin was here, he could pick the lock. He’s had to do it a few times when one of the girls has accidentally locked a door. I don’t know how to do it…”

“I do.” Sam assured her as he entered the bedroom. Shelley smiled and gave him a quick hug before greeting Greg who came in behind him. She was glad to see them even though it meant that Lilly hadn’t followed the rule about opening the door, just as Shelley had figured. Sam knelt in front of the door and then pulled out the leather man’s multiple tool he always carried in his pocket. He selected one of the small screw driver tips and used it to pop the lock on the door in under a minute. 

His heart broke at the sight that awaited him. Jules was sitting on the floor almost staring off into space. Her breathing was rapid and her face was pale. She wasn’t in full blown panic mode but this was almost worse. He wanted to scoop her up in his arms and crush her to his chest and never let her go again. The urge to do so was stronger in this moment than it had been when he’d finally been allowed to see her in the hospital first after she’d been shot and then more recently after the attack. Still, he held himself in check; would she even want him to touch her after what had happened? Instinctively his own breathing quickened, not quite matching hers but not far from it. They locked eyes with each other, neither saying anything or seemingly aware of anyone else in the room.

“Sam.” Luria’s quiet voice pierced the quiet. “She’s going to hyperventilate. See if you can’t get her to slow her breathing. Slow your own breathing down and then coax her to match yours instead of you matching hers.”

He didn’t know what to say to her. Now that he was face to face with her and seeing how much pain she was in, his own emotions were all over the place. He knew he should feel grateful for the sacrifice she made for him; that she’d put her own fears and well being on the line to save him. But at the same time, he wanted to take her by her shoulders and giver her a quick shake and ask her why. Why did she do it? Didn’t she know that the last thing he’d ever want for her was for her to suffer the way Johnny’s deal had to have made her suffer? He’d rather go to jail and share a cell with a ten foot five hundred pound murderer who hated cops with a passion than see her in a moment of pain. 

“Sam, Buddy, how about we step outside and let Dr. Luria talk to Jules alone for a few minutes; see if we can’t get her calmed down a little. We don’t want her to pass out because she’s breathing too fast.” Greg’s voice was low in Sam’s ear where no one could hear it but Sam himself. 

Sam nodded absently and turned to leave out. Before he could even take a step, Jules stopped him cold in his tracks.

“I’m sorry.” Despite her ragged breathing, Jules’s voice sounded strong but full of regret.

Turning back to face her, Sam knelt beside her and reached out to touch her cheek. She closed her eyes at the feel of his fingers against her skin, but she didn’t pull away. “Jules, Sweetheart, you don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“Yeah, I do.” Jules argued. “You don’t understand. You don’t know the choice I made.”

Sam sighed; he was almost holding his breath, not wanting to hear Jules confirm the sick story Johnny had told him earlier. He didn’t even realize that at his touch and with the sudden deceleration of his own breathing that her own unconsciously began to slow as well. “Jules, I know you went to see Johnny. I know what happened. I don’t blame you for anything, Sweetheart. How could I?”

Jules blinked a couple of times, her cheeks taking on a rosy tinge. Though he hated that she might be embarrassed, he was glad to see the color creeping back into her skin; it was better than the almost unnatural paleness she had been. She glanced around as if noticing the others for the first time. Fearing she was about to shut down on him once again, Sam glanced back toward the door. 

His look said everything and Greg gave a nod. Less than a minute later, Greg had suggested that the others give the couple some privacy and he, Luria, and Shelley left the bedroom, closing the door behind them. 

“Jules, that floor can’t be that comfortable. Can I help you up?”

She shook her head and Sam tried not to feel the sting of the rejection. She did however push herself up off the floor and walk on shaky legs into the bedroom before sinking almost wearily onto the edge of the bed. Sam followed her. He wanted to hold her and comfort her but it was obvious after she wouldn’t accept his help that she wasn’t ready for that much contact. Instead he sat on the bed beside her keeping a good couple of feet distance between them. 

She glanced at him, her eyes wide with wonder. “Seriously? How can you ask that? You don’t blame me? Don’t you mean how could you not? What kind of girlfriend does what I did? I feel so ashamed; how are you even here? Why would you want to be?”

“There’s no place I’d rather be.” Sam reminded her, parroting their oft repeated affirmation of their commitment to each other. “As soon as Sarge got word from Wordy that you were here; I knew that’s where I had to be as well.”

Jules shook her head, confusion evident on her face. “But how? How did you get free? How did you find out what I did? Did the prosecutor change his mind? Commander Holleran seemed to think it was a done deal that the charges would stick despite your statement.”

Now it was Sam’s turn to be confused. He knew she wouldn’t have known about the General’s GPS chip but he’d assumed she’d think he was free because of the deal she made. Once again he reached out and lightly stroked the side of her face, encouraged by the fact that this time she didn’t pull away. “We’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to go back to you questioning what you did. Do I wish you’d made the opposite choice? Hell yes.” Her body seemed to shrink into the bed a little at his words but he used his hand to lift her chin so she had to look at him. “Not because I blame you or because I think you did anything wrong but because I hate that you had to put yourself through that. But I won’t stop loving you because of it. I couldn’t stop loving no matter what. And we’ll get through this. I’ll do anything and everything to make things better for you.”

Jules pulled away and turned so that her back was to him. Wearily she laid down across the bed, hugging her arms against her body. Sam could see that she was visibly shaking. He wanted to gather her to him and kiss away her fears. Wanted to make Johnny pay for every moment of pain he’d caused her. He reached over and ran his fingers up and down her arm. “Jules?”

“I don’t deserve you.” She words were muffled as she pressed her face into the comforter on Wordy’s bed. 

Sam frowned. There was no way in hell he was going to let Johnny destroy her like this. “Tough shit because I love you and I’m not about to let this, not about to let that sorry SOB, destroy what we have. You did what you did because you love me…”

She didn’t turn to look at him but he heard the derisive snort. Again, he tried to hide the sting of pain. “Right, I did what I did because I’m a coward. No matter how much I love you; I guess it just wasn’t enough. I tried to tell myself I was doing what you would want me to do. That I was listening to your voice in my head telling me the decision I should make. But it was a lie. In the end, I made the choice I made because it was what I wanted, what I needed.”

Sam felt his stomach turned and for a moment thought he would have to rush to the bathroom himself. There was no way sleeping with Johnny, doing things to him that she couldn’t even bring herself to do for him, was what she wanted or needed. Something was wrong with this picture and he needed to get to the bottom of it before it went any further. 

Hoping he wasn’t hurting her worse than she’d already been hurt, he laid down beside her and gently rolled her over so that she faced him. His hand once again cupped her face and his thumb ran along her cheekbone. “Jules, what choice did you make?”

Her eyes were full of misery but surprisingly dry. “You know what choice I made.”

His own gaze never left her beautiful face as he once more had to remind himself to breathe. “Humor me. Tell me exactly what happened and we’ll deal with it. I swear somehow I’ll make it better.”

His hand on her cheek kept her from looking down but she lowered her eye lids partially. “Fine, you need to hear me say how I repaid everything you’ve done for me? Fine. I told Johnny that I would do anything to convince him to drop the charges against you. I really thought I could. I would take a bullet for you without blinking. Would throw my body on a bomb about to explode if it would save your life. I would die for you if I had to. So how hard could it be for me to agree to let Johnny have my body, something he’d already taken a couple of times? I survived it before; surely I could do it once more if it meant you were safe, that your job and your freedom wasn’t in jeopardy. But I couldn’t do it. I put myself before you. The great and powerful SuperJules, able to leap off climbing walls without batting an eye, able to take an armor piercing bullet to the torso and come back as strong as ever, able to do almost anything except face her own personal boogeyman. Even if it meant the man she loved lost everything because of her. What kind of chicken shit does that?”


	69. Chapter 69

If Jules had actually punched him in the stomach, it wouldn’t have knocked the breath out of him any more than her admission had. He had built himself up as much as he could to accept the fact that at least in some way Jules had given in to Johnny’s demands. He hadn’t liked the idea as the images running through his mind, planted there by his own imagination and fueled by Johnny’s vile descriptions, were loathsome and disturbing, but he’d convinced himself that he was going to do everything he could to help her through it. Now to hear her say it hadn’t happened was almost too much for him to bear or hope for. 

He twisted on the bed so that he was laying on his back staring up at the ceiling, trying to take in the information. She’d told Johnny no. She hadn’t given that despicable piece of human garbage so much as a kiss let alone her whole body. To say he was thrilled was an understatement. It was enough to make him want to jump up and down in relief; enough to make him want to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless. The weight of a thousand words had lifted off his shoulders and -- he was man enough to say it-- tears of relief and joy filled his eyes. 

One thing held him back though. It was clear that Jules was agonizing over her decision as much if not more than if she’d given herself over to Johnny. Seeing the hurt and misery in her face had cut Sam to the core and he took the opportunity of looking at the ceiling to contemplate why. He shook his head, not lifting it from the bed. “I don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what? How I could be so self-serving or how you’ve put up with me this long?” Jules shifted so she too was looking up at the textured patterns on the Wordsworth’s ceiling. 

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Sam blurted out without thinking. He realized he was parroting words he’d said to her before but this really took the cake. Ever since Sarge had told him that Jules had left the headquarters for the hospital, he’d been guilt ridden, blaming himself for her being put in a position to have to make such a decision in the first place. And yet here she was acting like he should hate her for not sleeping with the man. Immediately he felt her bristle beside him and he knew he’d said the wrong thing.

“Yeah, well, just add stupid to my list of faults.” Anger mixed with pain in her voice making her voice sound as hoarse as it would get after they’d been to an intense well-played hockey game. One where the cheers and shouts of the audience members were as instrumental to the victory as anything that happened on the actual court. How he wished he could contribute the scratchiness in her tone to something fun. 

_It doesn’t matter if a subject’s feelings make sense or not to you._ In his mind he was drawn back in time to his rookie days at SRU when Luria was offering training on how to talk to subjects on calls. It was back when profiling and negotiations had seemed an impossible skill for him to learn. _But for that person in that moment those feelings are very real. If you want to connect, you’ve got to respect what they say without judgment._ Sure, easy for her to say and a helluva lot easier to do with someone he didn’t love. He sighed, turning on the bed to prop up on his elbow so he could look down into her eyes. Eyes that immediately scrunched closed as he did. Sam counted silently to ten, trying to frame his response without further upsetting her. At ten he still wasn’t sure what to say so he increased it to twenty. It didn’t really help but the silence was becoming telling so he tried for words anyway.

“Jules, look at me.” His voice was gentle but she just shook her head as a single tear slipped past the closed lids. He brushed it aside and allowed his finger to remain, caressing her cheek. Again a little of his anger leaked out before he could stop it. “Damn it, Jules, can you just give me a chance here?” Then softer, “Please?”

Her eyes opened but still she refused to look him directly in the eye. Sam’s tongue darted out, licking his dry lips as he thought through his next words weighing them more carefully than he did any sniper shot that he‘d ever been forced to take. There was no way he wanted to hurt her any more than it seemed he already had. “Jules, I don’t think you are stupid. That’s not what I meant. I shouldn’t have said that; I certainly don’t think it. I don’t want to minimize what you are feeling but I’m having trouble seeing it. I almost feel like you wish you’d made the opposite choice.” 

Again he regretted the words as soon as they left their mouth but he didn’t know how else to reach her. How else to get her to open up to him. She flinched at his words and he wished he could take them back. The look on her face clearly said he was at least partially accurate. He paled. It couldn’t be true. “Jules?”

“It’s not like I want to sleep with him.” Her body shuddered at the statement. “It makes my skin crawl to even be in the same room with him and the idea of him touching me makes me want to throw myself off a tall building without the benefit of a safety strap. But it’s got to be better than this guilt that’s tearing me up inside. If you lose your job or go to the jail because of this, it‘ll be because I didn‘t have the guts to stand up for you.”

Sam frowned. “Sweetheart, I’m not going to lose my job and I’m not going to jail. The charges were dropped…”

Jules’s eyes widened in surprise. She shook her head. “But how? I didn’t…”

“And I can’t tell you how glad I am that you didn’t. Like I said, we can discuss the details later; it’s not important. But it kills me to hear you say you didn’t have the guts to stand up for me. You believed in me without question. Even when Spike and Sarge had doubts, you didn’t. You stood up to them and defended me even though it couldn’t have been easy given what looked like solid proof. You said you thought it was my voice telling you not to do it. Baby, it was. There’s no way in a thousand years I would want you to make a deal with Dawson to save me, not even if my life depended on it. Do you really think I would want you to sacrifice yourself for my sake?”

Jules tried to turn on her side but Sam wouldn’t let her. He recognized her attempts to dodge the conversation by running away but they had to get this out even if it was painful There was no way he could let her think for a moment that she did anything wrong. She struggled against his hold. “Sam, you don’t understand. It doesn’t have anything to do with you…”

“The hell it doesn’t.” Sam knew that if this was a training exercise he would be failing it miserably but he couldn’t control himself. Jules meant more than any subject he could ever try to negotiate and besides, normal negotiation tactics would never work with Jules. “Seems like it has a lot to do with me. I’m sorry Jules, I’m trying to understand but it’s hard. Why is this upsetting you so much?”

He felt her freeze up, felt her body get stiff and he was afraid she was going to shut down on him completely. Her eyes narrowed and her breath came in little gasps. “Damn it, Sam, do I have to spell it out for you? I gave a damn cat more consideration than I gave the man I love. What does that say about me?”

It was apparently a rhetorical question cause she used his momentary stunned reaction to push him away. She scrambled off the bed darting back towards the bathroom. Recovering and moving quickly, Sam intercepted her before she got more than a foot from the bed. He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off her feet before depositing her lightly back to the bed. He covered her body with his, effectively trapping her with his body. If his moves were inappropriate given the circumstances, he’d have to apologize later. He needed her to explain even if he didn’t like what she had to say. She struggled against him but didn’t seem to be afraid only mad.

“Sam, get off me, I’m going to be sick.” 

Sam shook his head, but deliberately kept his voice calm and hopefully reassuring, even though he felt anything but calm or reassured. “No, you‘re not. You‘re just upset and your body is fighting it the only way it knows how. Take a couple of deep breaths. If that doesn‘t work there‘s a small trash can between the bed and the nightstand. I’ll clean it up later if I have to. Just please, Jules, what the hell does that mean? You gave more consideration to a cat than me?”

Heavy tears filled her eyes but she stopped struggling. “Twenty years ago I didn’t fight him. I let him take what he wanted even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t scream, I didn’t stop him, I just took it because he said he would protect my kitten if I did. But today when it came down to saving you the same way I couldn’t do it. I love you so much more than I could ever love an animal. Yet apparently when it comes to selling my body, the cat was worth more than you.”

Once again feeling like he’d been punched in the gut, Sam lifted himself off her, standing at the side of the bed looking down at her. He shook his head. That was what was upsetting her? She was taking her decision to protect herself to mean she hadn’t loved him enough? 

“Is that what you think? You think you put more value on a cat than me?” There was no trace of emotion in his voice. He barely breathed waiting for her to answer.

“Don’t you?” Jules asked miserably. “How else do you explain it?”

Sam once more laid down beside her, pulling her in close. “No, I don’t. Jules, you can’t compare the two because you aren’t the same person. Johnny manipulated a scared sixteen year old but you aren’t that kid any more. It wasn’t that you loved that kitten more than you love me. Now you are old enough and strong enough to recognize his attempts to manipulate you and you didn’t fall victim to it. You loved me enough to trust that I was going to be okay without you have to compromise yourself. You trusted me and the rest of the team to know that all this wasn’t all on you. I’m so proud of you. You don’t have anything to feel ashamed of.”

She hiccupped slightly burying her head into his chest. “You’re not mad at me?”

He cupped her face in his hands and lifted it so that she had to look at him. “Maybe a little but not because of what you did or didn’t do. Never about that. It upsets me to think you would think I would fault you for this. I would never want you to put yourself on the line like that for me or for anyone. Ever. It was killing me thinking you did the things Johnny said. I wouldn’t have blamed you but it was killing me just the same. You couldn’t have made me happier than by telling me it never happened.”

Again she hiccupped. “What did he tell you?”

Sam sighed. “You don’t really want to know.” More importantly he didn’t know if he could actually voice the horrific things Johnny had claimed to have done with Jules. Hearing it had been bad enough but to repeat it would absolutely kill him. Wouldn’t it be better to just forget everything? Especially now that he knew that it hadn’t happened.

Jules unfortunately didn‘t see it the same way. “Probably not but I feel like I need to know. Please Sam. I was just pretty damn honest with you whether I wanted to or not.” 

He had to admit she had a point. So as hard as it was for him to do, he related what Johnny had said, trying to minimize some the graphic horribleness as he did so. He was afraid it had been too much when he felt the way she shuddered in his arms. Trying to soften the pain he knew his somewhat censored but still disturbing descriptions had to be causing her by releasing one side of her face in order to run his fingers soothingly through her hair. “I’m so sorry. It was bad enough that I had to listen to that filth. You shouldn’t have had to hear it as well. I’m just so glad none of it really happened.”

“Except it did.” Jules admitted softly, her voice almost inaudible. 

Sam’s heart skipped a beat and the hand running through her hair stilled. Hoping to keep his tone neutral, he gently probed. “What do you mean? Did he hurt you?”

She nodded, her eyes still not meeting his. “Yeah, but not today. Before. The first time. I didn’t think anything could be worse than the pain and humiliation of what he was doing to me. But what he made me do to him... I think it was the worst.”

There was so much he didn’t know about that initial attack. She’d shared bits and pieces but it was too difficult for her to talk about and he hadn’t wanted to press her for details she wasn’t comfortable sharing. He held his breath, torn between wanting to ask and not wanting to scare her off if she was finally ready to open up to him. 

“He gave me a choice. He could rape my mouth or take away my virginity, only that wasn’t the way he put it. There was no choice C so I went with what felt like was the lesser of two evils.” Again she shuddered and he drew her in closer to his arms hoping he wasn’t doing more harm than good. Now that she was actually opening up about the actual events of that night, he wanted to tell her to stop; wanted to childishly put his hands over his ears to keep from hearing the horrific details, as if by not listening he could somehow change the truth about it. He didn’t because he knew this was a scab she had to rip away if she ever truly wanted to be free even if it hurt them both in the process. When she continued, her voice was more muffled from before as she pressed her face into his chest. “Some choice. He didn’t even care that he was gagging me; only cared about his own sick pleasure until I threw up all over him. It’s not like I did it on purpose. He was so mad; told me I would regret it and I did. It’s what made him decide to kill Boxer and leave her on my pillow to find.” Even muffled there was no mistaking that scared little girl quality in her voice. 

Suddenly it was Sam that wanted to throw up. Taking the advice he’d given her earlier when she’d try to break loose from him and flee, he took several deep breaths. Johnny Dawson was a sick bastard who didn’t deserve to live. How could anyone force something like that on anyone, let alone a kid? Dawson deserved to be castrated and then force fed his own penis after what he’d done. Sam wouldn’t mind being the one who did it either. 

She’d been forced to perform oral sex on the man who was sexually assaulting her. Sam wondered if she’d ever admitted it out loud to anyone before this moment. He had a feeling she hadn’t. He took several more deep breaths thinking he would be the one to have to grab the trash can beside Wordy’s bed instead of Jules. He was glad that she wasn’t meeting his eyes, glad that she couldn’t see the storm of emotions gathering there.

There had been many times since their relationship had turned intimate that he’d wondered about the things she wasn’t comfortable with in the bedroom. Long before he’d known that she’d been assaulted as a teenager, he’d questioned -- always privately --why certain things were taboo. But knowing she spurned those rather -at least in his mind-- more normal aspects of a sexual relationship, it had never crossed his mind to think twice at her reluctance to even discuss the possibility of oral sex. After learning that she’d been assaulted, he’d been even more sure that her seemingly inability to go down on him stemmed more from a lack of experience in the bedroom than anything else. Never had it crossed his mind, or maybe he hadn’t wanted it to cross his mind, that her reasons had a more sinister inception. 

He was sure she was waiting on him to say something. He knew he should say something. He wanted to say something. Trouble was, he didn’t know what. What words could fix what was broken inside her? What words could give her back what that bastard had stolen from her? And even if she didn’t expect him to fix or restore anything, didn’t she at least deserve for him to say something that would at least make her feel better in the moment? 

Sharing wasn’t something that came easy for Jules. Sam had known that long before he had known anything had happened to her but it had become more obvious afterward. The fact that she opened up and shared what had to have been -- he hoped, at least -- the worst of her memories was huge. He shook his head even though she couldn’t see it. Maybe honesty was really all she needed. “Jules, that wasn’t a choice no matter how he put it. And to make it worse, he punished you because you had an involuntary reaction. It’s wrong on so many levels. I know I’m sorry doesn’t help but right now it’s all I’ve got.” 

He wasn’t sure what he expected her to answer but he at least expected something. She remained silent though. She wasn’t even squirming in his embrace any longer. He leaned his body away from her so that he could peer down into her face that had been hidden against his chest. Despite everything, he couldn’t resist a small smile. Safe in his arms and unburdened of the secret she’d kept for all those years, she’d fallen asleep against him. He kissed the top of her head and allowed himself to relax for the first time since he’d gotten home and found the General in the apartment the day before. It only took a couple more minutes before he too had fallen asleep.


	70. Chapter 70

“It’s okay if it’s too soon. There’s no hurry on any of this.”

Jules nodded absently as strong, familiar arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against their owner’s body. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing outside her empty bedroom, just staring inside unable to bring herself to actually cross the threshold. She hadn’t even heard Sam approaching as she’d been too engrossed in the mental argument that she was having with herself that it was stupid to just stand there. That there was nothing in the room at all, let alone anything that could hurt her. 

“If not here, then where?” At any other time, it could have been a flippant answer but the brutal honesty in her voice was too obvious for it to be amusing. The near-hysteria she’d been in when Sam had arrived at Wordy’s earlier had disappeared by the time they had both woken up, embarrassed to discover they had fallen asleep in their friend’s bed. But her mood had still been so much more pensive than usual the rest of the day. She let her weight rest against him. “I’m sorry, I can’t go back to your apartment-- not to stay at least. It’s going to be hard enough to go back just to pack up our stuff. Maybe that makes me a coward but I just can’t. Johnny’s going to be released tonight and I don’t think I could sleep knowing he’s just down the hall.”

Sam released her so that he could turn her around to face him. Then he cupped her face in his hands, letting his thumbs caress her cheekbones in the process. “Stop. Just stop apologizing and stop thinking you’re some sort of coward because you don’t want to be in the same building as filth like him. Okay? We don’t have to stay at the apartment but we don’t have to stay here either if it’s too soon. We can get a hotel room for a few days if we need to. Wherever you want to go; whatever you need.”

“That’s an expense we just don’t need. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. Of course, we’ll have to pull out those sleeping bags like you suggested last night if we don’t get things moved back in here.”

“Reinforcements are on the way to help with that. Why don’t you leave this to me and you can get started on your other project?” Sam knew better than to argue with her. It would just make her dig her heels in all the more. He wouldn’t push the issue for now but if it looked like it was too much for her, he’d intervene before they went to bed. As Jules agreed to his suggestion, the doorbell rang. Jules rose up on her tip toes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips before going to let their visitors in.

Spike was waiting on the front stoop shifting his weight nervously from one foot to the other. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was looking toward the ground as Jules opened the door. Immediately, she felt guilty. She hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him since their argument the night before. And now she wasn’t sure what to say. Somehow “I’m sorry” didn’t seem adequate enough. 

He looked up and for several long seconds their eyes met and locked on each other. No words were spoken and yet an intense conversation was taking place just the same. The nervousness radiating off Spike in waves seemed to dissipate and a hint of the guilt that had been eating away at Jules all day faded. 

Apologies and begs for forgiveness that would have been awkward if spoken aloud were received loud and clear in a way that only good friends could communicate. A small smile of understanding slowly replaced the hangdog expression that had marred Spike’s features when they first looked at each other. Jules chewed on her bottom lip and Spike nodded. A second later his arms spread out and she stepped into his embrace. All the pain and misery of the evening before didn’t seem to matter anymore. 

Spike cleared his throat after she stepped aside to allow him entrance. “So Sarge said everything was good with Sam.”

She nodded. She’d finally gotten the full story of how the General had provided solid evidence of Sam’s innocence after they had finally left Wordy’s. She knew Sam was still pissed about it and while she couldn’t blame him, she also couldn’t help but secretly be glad the man had come through in a pinch. “Yeah, Sam’s been cleared of the charges.”

“Good.” There was something in Spike’s tone that suggested that he was glad for more than just the obvious reasons. 

Jules frowned, suddenly remembering that Spike had worked their shift with Team Four. She’d been so caught up in her own drama that she hadn’t even really thought about the rest of the team all day. Hadn‘t thought about the fact that as much as they loved and valued Spike on Team One and knew they couldn‘t do the job without him and wouldn‘t want to even if they could, that he usually felt awkward and out of place when around the other teams. It wasn‘t that anyone treated him badly, just more that the other SRU teams just didn‘t always know how to take Team One‘s favorite computer geek, and it made him feel self-conscious and awkward. “Was it a hard day?”

He shook his head. “Nah, just not the same. I want the team to be whole again.”

Again she didn’t have to hear the words to know what he was really saying. He was talking about more than just numbers. He also meant whole as in without problems. Jules nodded, appreciating his concern. “Me too. Thanks for coming to help. I guess you and Nat will be glad to get the apartment back to yourselves.”

Spike eyed her carefully. “You know we didn’t mind the two you being there. It is Sam’s apartment after all.”

Jules smiled slightly. “I know. I can’t though. Not anymore. Not with him down the hall.”

“We’re not going to let him get away with anything.” Spike assured her. “You know that, right?”

Jules shrugged noncommittally. She knew her response wasn’t completely fair. There was no doubt in her mind that Spike was completely serious that he and the rest would do everything possible to prevent Johnny from doing everything else. But as much as she trusted them she didn’t trust Johnny much more. He’d already hurt her too many times for her to completely trust that she was completely safe from any future attempts on his part to hurt her worse. She knew all to well that sometimes no matter how good your best is, it’s not enough. 

Almost as if he knew what she was thinking, Spike nodded. “So I tried to talk Nat into coming and helping but the idea of moving furniture around didn’t appeal to her. She was making talk about helping out by packing up yours and Sam’s stuff but I’m pretty sure I convinced her that it was probably better if she left that to the two of you.”

Jules smiled gratefully and hoped the hint of the blush she was sure was creeping into her cheeks didn’t show. As much as she didn’t want to go back to the apartment at all, she was more embarrassed at the idea of Natalie finding the stash of condoms in the nightstand drawer. It didn’t matter that it was all too likely that Spike and Natalie had their own secret stash in their own bedroom. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, well, she came up with another plan almost immediately. One she wouldn’t share with me so I don’t know what she’s up to. All she said was that she’d be here later and that she’d picked up something for everyone to eat.”

“Hey, Scarlatti, you going to stand down there all night or are you going to give me a hand?” Sam called down from the top of the landing.

Spike exchanged a look with Jules. “I get a choice?” 

Jules laughed -- probably her first genuine laugh of the day-- and slapped his arm good naturedly. “Go on before he starts to move the heaviest piece of furniture by himself just to make you feel bad. Besides I’ve got work to do myself.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

She nodded. After Sam had finally broken down and told her about the General’s role in freeing him, she’d shared with him what she’d learned from Wordy and her suspicions that Johnny might have copied their key while Wordy had it the first time. They’d made a stop at the home improvement store and she’d brought a new set of locks to install just to be on the safe side. She’d grumbled the whole time that it was something she should have done from the very beginning. “Changing the locks. I know the attic was one point of entry but I’m not giving him any chances.”

She didn’t mention to him that Wordy might have inadvertently given Johnny the access he needed. She didn’t want to take any chances that word might get back to Wordy; after all he’d done to help, she didn’t want him to feel the slightest bit guilty. She in no way blamed her friend and former co-worker for anything Johnny might have done but she knew him well enough to know that he’d put the blame on himself. 

Spike nodded. “Can’t hurt.” He glanced up the stairs to where Sam was waiting. He grinned. “I guess I better get up there.”

Once she was alone in the living room, she grabbed her tools and the new set of locks and opened the front door to begin removing the old knob. That part of her task was almost finished when she heard the light tap of a horn that signaled the arrival of more help. Greg parked behind Spike’s car on the road. Three doors opened; Jules was surprised to see both Dean and Clark with him. She held her hand up in a quick wave as they made their way up the walk. Jules frowned as she noticed that her hand was shaking. She couldn’t understand the reaction, after all she hadn’t reacted that way when Spike had arrived. Rising, she stuffed the offending appendages into her pockets so the shaking wasn’t obvious. 

Greg put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Thought we might need some young strong backs so I brought these two along.” He offered in way of explanation.

“I hope you don’t mind.” Clark added. “Dad heard that everyone was meeting to help you move stuff and wanted to come. Figured Mom would have a fit if he did so I volunteered to represent the Lanes.”

Jules offered the teenage boy a quick hug, noticing that her sudden nervous reaction didn‘t seem to extend toward him. “I’m glad you did. Sam and Spike are already upstairs. Just a warning though, I refuse to be held accountable for any inappropriate words you might hear tonight. I’ve already heard my fair share and Sam and Spike only just got started.”

Clark and Dean both grinned at that. Greg shook his head. “Why don’t you two head on up and see if you can help. I’ll be up in a moment.”

With every step the two boys took away from her and Sarge, Jules could feel the nervous energy that had first struck at his arrival rising up in her like a volcano threatening to erupt. She couldn’t explain it; even the initial nervousness she’d felt in the presence of any man outside of Sam in the immediate aftermath of the attack hadn’t been this bad. Between the uneasiness and the lack of a reason for it, Jules shuffled her feet nervously and found herself contemplating a route of escape. 

While waiting for the two boys to move out of ear shot, Greg took a moment to casually study Jules. He had to admit that she’d scared him when he and Sam had first arrived at the Wordsworth’s. If he’d been asked to rate her emotional level the same way they categorized the threat level of subjects, he would have placed her at a heavy red. He hadn’t been sure that even Sam was going to be able to talk her down. It had been on the tip of his tongue to ask Dr. Luria if she could possibly give Jules something to help her calm down when Sam had given him a look asking for privacy. Almost against his better judgment, Greg had agreed. 

After Greg had gotten everyone to give the couple some space, they’d made their way down the stairs to the kitchen. Over coffee, Greg had filled the ladies in on what he knew, leaving out the details of the horrific sexual acts Johnny had claimed had taken place. He’d switched the subject pretty quickly, however, when Lilly and Ally had come into the room. The youngest girl had climbed into his lap. He’d grinned down at her, not wanting the small child to pick up on any of the tension in the room.

_“Hey there, Ally. You’re just getting so big, aren’t you?”_

_The little girl nodded but reached a small almost chubby hand up so that it covered his mouth. Then she put the pointer finger of her other hand over her own lips as if silencing him. “Shh. Dey seeping.”_

_Shelley started to scold her youngest but Greg shook his head, not offended. He lowered his voice so that it was barely over a whisper. “Sorry, I hope I didn’t wake them. Are you baby dolls taking a nap?”_

_Ally shook her head. “No, M’ Sam and M’ Jules is.”_

_Greg grinned. Everyone on the team loved the way the little girl said her Misters and Misses so that they ended up sounding like my instead. As if the person she was talking about belonged solely to her._

_“Baby, how do you know Mr. Sam and Miss Jules are asleep? Haven’t you been in the living room with Lilly watching the movie?” Shelley probed gently, hoping her daughter hadn’t interrupted the couple upstairs in what was sure to be a painful conversation._

_“I took Patches to see ‘em. He miss ‘em.” Ally explained as if it made perfect sense._

_Greg frowned and looked at Luria. “Should we check on them? Neither one of them was in good shape when we left. Could they have passed out or something?”_

_“Jules maybe.” Luria mused. “She was close to hyperventilating but I can’t see them both passing out.”_

_The three adults went upstairs. Greg eased the bedroom door open just enough to give a quick look. None of them wanted to intrude given the seriousness of the situation but at the same time they couldn’t ignore their concerns either. Both Jules and Sam were stretched out sideways on the bed with the former tucked protectively in the latter’s arms, her face hidden in his chest. In turn, Sam’s face was buried in Jules’s hair preventing the ones at the door from seeing him either. Still it was clear from the almost relaxed state of their bodies that they were, as Ally had said, sound asleep. Added to the mix was the fact that Ally had apparently left Patches with them. The kitten had settled into a small hole left between Sam and Jules’s bodies and was napping as well. Had the situation leading up to the current scene not been so emotionally trying, Greg would have been tempted to pull out his phone and snap a picture. Instead, he closed the door and left the exhausted couple to their slumber._

Now, even though the worst of the emotional fall out seemed to be past her, it was painfully obvious that she was still tense and unsure of herself. So much so that she wouldn’t meet his gaze head on and looked very much like a deer about to bolt. That worried Greg more than anything. In the years he’d known her, he’d seen her in all sorts of situations, good and bad. And through it all she’d always done it with her head held high and without blinking. She had even looked him right in the eye when she’d lied to him about Sam helping with renovations even though the paint flecks sticking to him gave them away. Then later when he’d discovered that she and Sam had once more defied orders and were dating again, she still had met his disapproval head on without wavering. 

So now, seeing her unable to look him in the eye, especially after seeing her in such a state earlier at the Wordsworth’s, had him especially concerned. Though to a casual observer she appeared to have de-escalated to green, he would place her at a high yellow or even still red. Glancing up to make sure the ones upstairs couldn’t hear, Greg put a hand to Jules’s shoulder hoping to guide her to the couch so that they could talk. When she flinched at his touch, he immediately removed his hand and took a step backward.

Jules also took her own step away from him. She turned her back to him but not before he saw the look of fear and uncertainty flashing in her eyes. The rejection both hurt and worried him. In that gentle and reassuring tone that made him a successful negotiator, Greg reached out to her with words instead of a touch.

“Jules?”

She stiffened but didn’t look at him. “I should make some lemonade or something. Everyone will need something to drink before long and it’ll be better if it was cold when they do.”

Greg allowed her to go, wondering if he should follow and force her to explain what was bothering her or if he should give her the time she obviously was asking for in body language if not in words. When he heard something loud and solid crash to the floor in the kitchen, his choice was made for him and he went to her.

He found her standing at the counter clutching the edge as if it was holding her up. At her feet lay a solid cast iron skillet and he wondered if it had gotten there as a result of an accidental drop or a deliberate throw. Once more he carefully pried. “Jules? If for some reason I’m making things worse…”

She turned to face him but still without her eyes looking up to meet him. “Sam said you were with him at the hospital when he went looking for me.”

Greg nodded. “Yeah, Sam thought it was better if he had a witness that he didn’t lay a hand on the bastard.”

If possible, Jules seemed to shrink just a little more, as if drawing into herself. “Then you heard the things Johnny told Sam. The things he claimed happened in that hospital room; the things he said I did.”

As if a light had gone off in his head, Greg realized what was bothering her. He sighed but kept his distance. “Yeah, I heard what he had to say. I’m sorry, Kiddo.” He felt like he should say more but didn’t know what. He knew Johnny had hoped his words would hurt Sam and elicit a response out of the younger man and that Johnny hadn’t cared who had heard the pronouncements or what the repercussions of that might be.

Jules flushed red in embarrassment. It was bad enough that Sam had heard the lies Johnny had spouted, bad enough that Sam had believed she’d been a willing participant despite his assurances that he was glad that she hadn’t. But as she’d entered the kitchen and the distance she’d put between her and Sarge had cleared her head enough to realize the source of her nervousness. Sarge had also been privy to the graphic descriptions Johnny had given. What must the man she looked up to think of her? She couldn’t meet his eyes because she couldn’t stand to see the shame and disappointment that she was sure would be there. Which was worse: Greg thinking she’d prostituted herself out to save Sam or that she’d been too gutless to follow through?

Greg folded his arms across his chest. Although the posturing could be perceived as being standoffish and uncaring in others, Greg managed with the same position to make himself look unthreatening and sympathetic. He cocked his head to one side. “Jules, I’m getting the feeling that maybe my being here is making things worse for you. I think you know that’s the last thing I want to do. The very last thing. Maybe I should leave. I can get Spike to give Dean and Clark a ride home later.”

Jules resisted the urge to pick up the solid wooden cutting board sitting at the bag of the counter and slam it against the counter as if doing so would purge her hurt and shame. Her shoulders were rigid. “I can’t blame you for wanting to.”

Uncrossing his arms, Greg rubbed his face with his hands. “I never said I wanted to, Jules. I never said that at all. This is where I want to be. Helping you. Helping Sam. Whether it’s moving bedroom furniture or talking out what’s bothering you, I want to do what’s right. And if what’s right for you is me giving you space, then that’s what I’ll do even if it’s not what I want.”

Her lower lip started to quiver but there was no sign of tears. She refused to give Johnny that satisfaction even if he wasn’t there to see it. “Nothing happened today. I didn’t do those things he said I did.”

Greg frowned, hating to hear the pain in her voice. Hated that he’d played any part in her once more being hurt. “Jules, you don’t owe me any explanations.”

“I don’t want you thinking less of me. I don’t think I could take it if you did.”

Greg’s lower jaw dropped open slightly and he looked up toward the ceiling; her words cutting through him like a knife. Hoping she didn’t spurn his touch this time, he stepped toward her so that her left side was against his chest and his arms tightened around her. He placed a fatherly kiss to the side of her head. “Jules, there is nothing that would make me think any less of you. Nothing. As painful as it was to hear what Johnny Dawson claimed happened and it was painful, it didn’t change how damn proud you always make me. And knowing he lied just makes me hate him and what he’s done to you much more.”

Jules leaned against him. A lump formed in her throat that she couldn’t speak around. Still she had to try. “I hate him too. I hate him for hurting me then and now. I hate him for hurting Sam and for trying to make the two of you believe the worst about me. But most of all I hate him for turning me into someone I don’t recognize and can’t stand. I hate him because he makes me hate myself.”

And hearing her put into words all the pain she was feeling made Greg’s own hatred for the man complete.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“I was beginning to think they were never going to leave.” Sam commented dryly after he closed the door as Spike and Natalie left. He locked the newly replaced doorknob and turned the key in the deadbolt that Jules had also insisted on installing. When Jules had told him her suspicions of how Johnny might have been able to get a key to the house, he’d felt guilty since it had been his idea to leave a key with their friend when he whisked Jules off to Milton. If double or even triple locking the door made her feel better, then he wasn’t going to protest at all.

“Hard to complain after everything they did to help.” Jules commented absently from her position on the couch. She’d kicked off her shoes at some point and had her feet curled beneath her. Sam sat down beside her and gathered her gently into his arms. Once she was sitting in his lap, she rested her head on his shoulder and traced random patterns on his chest. For his part, he absently ran his hand up and down her back. 

“Yeah, you like the way we arranged everything? If not we can try a different arrangement.” Much like with the living room, Sam had made sure that nothing was in the same position in the bedroom as before. And it was completely different; from the brand new floor to the new layout of the furniture all the way down to the new linens on the bed courtesy of Natalie, it was hard to believe it was the same room. Or at least it appeared that way from what she’d noticed from the doorway. She still hadn’t been able to bring herself to cross the threshold. She knew sooner or later she’d run out of excuses for not entering the bedroom. The drowsy humor settling over her at Sam’s gentle caresses were ensuring that it would be sooner rather than later despite the nap she’d had earlier. She wondered if it would be too cowardly to fall asleep here in Sam’s arms so that he would carry her to the bedroom. At least that way she’d be unaware of anything until it was all said and done.

“It’s great. Your sister has good taste. That bed-in-a-bag set she bought matched the décor of the bedroom perfectly.”

Sam snorted a little. “I’m still trying to figure out just what the hell we need that frilly thing that went under the mattress for.”

“Dust ruffle. Mom always insisted on them for all our beds when we were growing up. I think it was because she was afraid of what the boys might decide to hide under the bed. The boys hated it, said it was too girly. It’s just part of the set; no rule that we actually have to use it.”

Sam sighed trying to sound a little put off. “Yeah we do. Even if she never steps foot in our bedroom, she’ll know if we’re using it or not. She’s got scary, secret super powers that way.” 

For a few minutes they sat together in companionable silence. A couple of times Sam opened his mouth to say something and promptly closed it again. He knew that the subject that was on his mind and probably on hers as well was one that needed to be broached but also knew it would be a painful and maybe even explosive conversation. Finally he plunged ahead. “I know you said you didn’t want to keep the appointment Dr. Luria made…”

“Good, then we don’t have to have this conversation again.” Jules warned, every muscle in her body tight. Sarge had pulled the two of them aside while everyone was eating. Apparently Dr. Luria had told him she was setting aside appointments for the two of them for the next couple of days after shift ended. Jules had immediately declined saying she wasn’t going to go. The more Sarge tried to explain why he thought it was a good idea, the more Jules had dug her heals in. Sam, recognizing her stubborn stance, had wisely stayed silent on the subject then but had hoped he could reason with her now. However that didn’t look likely. 

“Can you at least tell me why you are against it? You went to see her before and you said it went well. That it helped. Why not now?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jules argued. She twisted in his embrace and folded her arms across her chest, effectively ending the conversation. She’d already listened as Sam had assured her that she hadn’t done anything wrong and had no reason to feel guilty. She’d listened again when Sarge had eloquently reassured her that he didn’t and couldn’t think less of her. And while she could take them at their word that they meant everything they said, she couldn’t bring herself to feel the same way. Couldn’t believe that she wasn’t a complete mess. And because of that she didn’t want to rehash everything with an impartial party. Didn’t want to have to explore all of those feelings that were still bubbling just below the surface. “I can’t believe you called her in the first place.”

Sam had been expecting the argument. And even though she wasn’t happy about it, he would have done the same thing given another chance. “I told you. Johnny had told us all these lies that sounded so convincing. When Shelley said you were upset I knew that if any of it was true, it was going to be bad. I’m not going to apologize. You mean too much to me for me to stand idly by and watch you self destruct. Not if I can help it. And I’ve got to be honest with you, Jules, you scared me this afternoon. Scared the shit out of me actually. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that upset before, not even right after you were assaulted.”

She started to pull away but Sam’s arms held her in place much like he had earlier at Wordy’s. So instead her eyes pleaded with him instead as her voice took on just the hint of a whiny tone that she only got when she was exceptionally upset or tired. “In case you missed it, I didn’t have much control whatsoever over my reactions then so not exactly the best comparison. I’m sorry I scared you, okay. Maybe I wasn’t at my best today but it’s over with now. Can’t we just put it behind us? Nothing happened and there’s no reason to keep hashing it out. Okay?”

Sam reached up and rubbed the back of her neck comfortingly. “I know nothing happened and believe me I’m grateful. But that doesn’t mean you are okay about everything. Would it really hurt to talk to her, just one more time?”

Jules growled just a little. “Damn it, Sam, if you want to talk to her so much, fine go ahead and do so. I’m not interested. Can you please let go of me? I want to get a shower before bed.”

This time Sam released her but took her by the hand before she could walk off. “Does it help to know that I do plan on talking to her? As skeptical as I was, I felt better after meeting with her the first time.”

Jules leaned down and kissed him. “Then I’m happy for you. Just don’t assume I need the same thing.”

Sam watched her go and sighed. Just like earlier with the bedroom, he knew he couldn’t keep pressing the issue or she’d completely dig her heels in. Dr. Luria had set aside three evenings for the two of them. One for each of them and one for them together. Perhaps he could make her see reason before then. Above him he heard the sound of the shower running but it sounded out of place. Rising from the couch, he took the stairs two at a time and went straight to the bedroom. It didn’t take him but a moment to realize the bedroom and the master bath was empty. No shower being taken in here. He frowned. It appeared that Jules still hadn’t crossed the threshold. 

He glanced at the bed with it’s new comforter and linens. As inviting as it looked, as well matching the décor of the bedroom, what good did it do if Jules couldn’t bring himself to enter let alone sleep there? The spare bedroom, where she’d probably sequestered herself in the bathroom, wouldn’t do as an alternate sleeping place either. The bed was still covered with the clothes that had been taken out of the main closet days ago. Clothes they hadn’t taken the time with everything else they were moving to put back. He wanted Jules to get a good night’s sleep. They both deserved it after the lack of sleep the night before. But even if he could convince her to sleep in their bed, would it be a good sleep for her?

An idea slowly came to him and he left the bedroom. With a glance toward the spare bedroom, Sam went downstairs.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“Hey.” Sam greeted Jules softly about an hour and a half later when she padded softly back down the stairs. Her hair was still damp from her shower and she was wearing pajamas he hadn’t seen in a while but had a feeling had been retrieved from the dresser of old clothes stored in the spare bedrooms. He suppressed a grin at the sight of the fuzzy panda bear pj’s. He had to admit she looked cute in them; he hoped he could convince her to make them a part of her normal sleeping attire. “You enjoy your shower?”

Jules nodded and curled up next to him on the couch, nestling herself into the crook of his arm and side and resting her head on his chest. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Sam kissed the top of her head. He’d had time to grab his own shower in the master bath after he’d completed his project. Then he’d settled back to the couch sipping on a beer from one of the six packs Natalie had brought to go with supper. Beer they had passed on drinking as they ate given the presence of the two teenaged boys. “I’m sorry if you felt like I was pushing you. I don’t want to make things harder on you.”

Jules shrugged and reached to the coffee table and picked up the half empty beer that was sitting there and took a swig. It had warmed slightly but was still good. She put the beer back to the table and twisted so she could look up into his face. “You don’t make things harder; it’s you who makes things easier. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel the need to go baring my soul to Dr. Luria; I don’t need her since I have you.”

Sam ran his fingers soothingly through her damp hair. “And I’ll always be here for you. But I worry that I don’t know the right things to say or do and that despite my best intentions I’ll end up doing more harm than good. And that’s something that I never want to do.”

“Can we leave it at I’ll think about it?” Jules pleaded softly. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, we can do that. You tired? Ready to turn in?”

She shook her head even though her voice and everything about her spoke volumes about how tired she was. “Not yet. You can go up if you want. I think I’m going to watch TV for a little while.”

“And if you fall asleep on the couch, all the better right?” He stood and held his hand out to her. “Come with me.”

She took his offered hand and let him lead her through the kitchen toward the back door. He opened it and stepped through and waited for her to follow. The tent they had used on their trip to Halton was pitched in the backyard. Sam wrapped his arms around her waist as she looked up at him in confusion. He shrugged. 

“It’s cheaper than a hotel room and I thought maybe it would remind you of better times.”

His thoughtfulness made a lump form in her throat. “I love you.”

He grinned, kissing her below the ear. “I know.” He chuckled as she elbowed him slightly. “I love you too. I know its not a permanent solution but for tonight it works.”

“It shouldn’t be that hard to go back in the bedroom. I wasn’t hurt there. Quite the opposite, that’s where I stood up for myself and made sure I wasn’t a victim. While I don’t regret taking that shot and I’d do it again if I had to, I’m having a hard time going back to the scene of the crime if you will.”

“Remember the suicide by cop I had to make when I first joined the team?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, the bank robbery? The guy wanted to die but his insurance didn’t cover suicide, right?”

“It took me awhile to even go past that bank let alone go inside. Don’t beat yourself up. It might take you a little while but you aren’t going to let this control you. For tonight, let me pamper you a little. The double sleeping bag is already turned down.”

His voice was a little husky with desire and innuendo. She shivered but it had nothing to do with any kind of chill that wasn’t in the air. Not only did she want him to lead her inside the tent and show her just how much he planned to pamper her but it was almost a need rising up in her as well. A need to rid any lingering images of the lies Johnny had spewed out of her mind as well as Sam’s. A need only Sam could fill. 

“What are we waiting for?”

Taking her by the hand he led her to the tent and inside. He zipped the entrance closed and then turned back toward Jules. His hands skimmed up and down her arms and his head tilted down to cover her lips with his own. The kiss deepened and she moaned in desire as his tongue swept the interior of her mouth. As his fingers fumbled for the buttons of her top she lightly touched his chest stopping him.

“I want this. You have no idea how much. But just to be on the safe side, do you have something?”

Sam nodded, something had prompted him to place several foil wrapped condoms in his wallet after their night at the hotel and though he hadn’t wanted to assume she’d be interested after everything that had happened, he’d conveniently left them in the tent just in case. “We’re covered.”

He slowly peeled the pajama top from her shoulder and let it drop to the tent floor. She reciprocated by pushing his navy t-shirt up and over his shoulders and head, letting it drop as well. She looked up at him, chewing on her bottom lip. “Sam, do you ever wish I’d…That I would…” She turned crimson and her eyes lowered.

Sam trailed kisses from her jaw line down her neck, licking and gently suckling at her neck. Between kisses, he waited for her to finish her question. When it was clear she was having difficulties he leaned back so he could look at her face in the dim light of the flashlight lantern he’d turned on earlier when he’d set the tent up. “Do I wish what? It’s okay, Jules, whatever you want to ask, just ask. It‘s just us.”

“The things that Johnny told you I did to him. The things he made me do to him all those years ago. Do you ever wish I would do those things for you?” Her voice was quiet, almost inaudible. 

Sam cupped her face in his hands. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t something I’ve enjoyed in the past. I don’t think there’s a guy who doesn’t. But it’s not something I have to have. Especially not if makes you uncomfortable or brings up bad memories.”

He kissed her again, one hand leaving her face to trail down to gently tease her breast. The small noises she was uttering were making him grow harder by the second. After a few minutes of kisses and touches she once again put the palms of her hand flat against his chest and pushed him gently back breaking his content. He looked at her in concern.

“Jules?”

“I want to.”

“Want to what, Baby?” Sam leaned in to kiss her again but she stepped back. 

“You know.” Unable to bring herself to say the words she just looked down the direction of his groin. “That.”

Sam gulped. The tightening in his shorts was becoming almost unbearable. At the same time he knew it was completely the wrong time. “Jules, Baby, that’s a pretty big step. And while I know you want to put everything behind you, I can’t help but wonder if you are wanting to make this jump because of what happened today. As much as I’d like to help you make that step, I want it to be because it’s what you want and are ready for, not because you are trying to exorcise some demon.”

Sensing she was about to take his rejection the wrong way, Sam continued. “I’m not telling you no, Jules, just not yet. That’s a big step and there’s no need to rush it. We can take it slow.”

“How so?” Jules asked, her voice trembling from a mixture of desire and trepidation.

As a way of answering Sam took her hand in his and guided it lower so that her fingers brushed against his growing erection. Now he was the one who moaned in pleasure. He wanted to drop his sweatpants right there so that he could feel her fingers directly on his skin. But he knew he had to take this slow so it didn’t traumatize her further. 

Her eyes met his and widened as she realized what effect she was having on him. “You like that?”

Sam nodded not trusting himself to speak. He took a couple of slow breaths to regain control. “You couldn’t tell? Seriously Baby, you touching me there is enough to send me over the edge. I promise you.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Jules admitted, her blush getting deeper. 

“There’s no right or wrong way. What if tonight you put the condom on me and then maybe you can guide me inside you? That way you can get used to touching me there without it feeling too awkward for you.”

Jules nodded. Sam returned to kissing her and slowly lowered her to the sleeping bad. Hovering over her, he removed the panda bear bottoms before removing his own sweat pants. Their bare bodies pressed against each other as they temporarily lost themselves in each other’s kisses. When neither was satisfied with just kisses, Sam reached for the foil wrapper and handed it to her. Her hands were shaking as she removed it. 

“It’s okay.” Sam assured her, his voice still husky. Sensing her insecurity, Sam guided her hands with his own until she was sliding the lambskin material down his length. He was afraid if he voiced just how good it felt to have her touching him there that he would make her feel like any of their lovemaking in the past had been lacking. It hadn’t been but he could not deny the power she now held over him. And if just her touch felt this amazing, what would it be like if they reached the point that she felt comfortable going down on him? 

“Is it on right?” Jules asked. One of the things that drew him to her in the first place was her confidence and strength so this doubt she had in the bedroom make her seem younger and more vulnerable. He wished he could explain to her just how amazing she really was so that he could forever rid her of that doubt. 

“Perfect. Now whenever you are ready just guide me inside you.” Although to be honest, he could have enjoyed just having her hold him in her small hands. Her touch was feather light and he was sure she was worried about holding him too tightly and hurting him. Once he was inside her, he began to rock gently. He took her hands, the hands that had felt so gloriously perfect touching him, and brought them up to his mouth kissing the tips of her fingers. “That wasn’t so difficult, was it?”

“I didn’t do much.” Jules admitted softly.

Sam released her hands so that he could leverage himself over her as he increased his pace. “You have no idea the effect you have on me. Don’t sell yourself short. Because I can assure you that I have no complaints.”

He kissed her. Then they let their bodies do the talking until they both settled exhausted into the sleeping bad and drifted off to sleep. And nothing and nobody else mattered in that moment.


	71. Chapter 71

“Please tell me we don’t have to do that again for a long time.” Sam groaned as he and Greg left the briefing room.

“We should be safe for a least a couple of years before the city decides to give us another windfall of money.” Greg promised. 

Sam had thought sitting through the vendor meetings had been the worst torture he could be put through. That, however, had been before he’d been forced to attend today’s session. Listening to sales pitches had been a ride on a merry-go-round compared to listening to the different representatives from the different teams and agencies in the running for the money argue about how to best spend the money. Within ten minutes, he had lost the last of his patience and was ready to call Scorpio on at least a few people.

“You were pretty quiet in there.” Greg observed, his tone as neutral as when he was talking down a hostage. “Everything okay?”

It hadn’t been that difficult of a shift. No major hot calls but several no-knock warrants that Team One had to carry out. And yet Greg had sensed the unease growing between Jules and Sam as the day progressed. It wasn’t so bad that he felt he had to call them on it but enough that he’d noticed. He didn’t understand it as things had seemed all right between the couple when Greg had left with the teenaged boys the night before. Which made him wonder if something had happened afterward.

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Greg’s eyebrow shot up. “You guess? That doesn’t sound like you. What’s going on?”

The two men made their way into the locker room to change clothes. Sam threw himself down on the bench and ran his hands through his hair. “Why is it that even when you know something is totally the right thing to do you feel guilty or like you’re a monster for pushing the issue?”

Greg nodded and sat down next to the younger man. He had a feeling he now knew what Sam was talking about. It had been pretty obvious the night before that his announcement about the appointments for Dr. Luria hadn’t gone over well with at least Jules. Sam had been surprisingly closed-mouthed about the whole subject so Greg hadn’t been really sure how he felt about the idea. “Jules and Dr. Luria?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. I know she needs to talk things out especially after yesterday but she’s just so against it. I can’t help but wonder if I’m making things better or worse by pushing her to go.” 

He hadn’t pressed the issue the night before, especially not after they had retired to the tent. The trust she’d put in herself and him in their lovemaking had been huge and wonderful. When he’d woken up this morning, he’d hoped that somehow her ability to put some of insecurities aside would help her deal with other fears as well. But she’d still been unable to bring herself to enter their bedroom. Over breakfast, he’d broached the idea once more of her seeing Dr. Luria and Jules had been just as adamant about not going. Every time during the day he’d tried to talk to her about it, she’d blown off his attempts. 

Greg shook his head. “Sam, you saw her yesterday; probably better than the rest of us. That’s not the Jules we know and love. She’s strong, no doubt about it but this stuff that’s going on-- you being accused of a crime, her confronting Dawson, him offering her an impossible deal, him lying about what really happened-- all that takes its toil on even the strongest person. And maybe because she’s so strong, it’s harder for her to admit she might need a little help dealing with everything. It doesn’t make her weak; not at all. But Sam, you and I both know that it’ll help her to talk about things with Luria. Even if she doesn’t think so.”

Sam sighed, nodding his head. “I know. And I’ve been telling myself the same thing all day but it doesn’t make me feel any less like I’m forcing her to do something against her will.”

“But she’s going?” Greg probed further. He, like Sam, hated to be the bad guy but he also knew how many times he had to force the issue about the yearly psych evals. 

Sam gave something that was a cross between a nod and a shoulder shrug. The finale confrontation over the issue just before the shift had ended had been tense but not heated given that they were at work.

_“I have no idea how long my meeting is going to be. I may be through before you are finished with your session with Dr. Luria but it might run longer. Don’t worry about coming back for me; I’ll get Sarge to drop me off.”_

_Jules bristled. “Sam…”_

_“Please Jules. Will you at least do it for me? If nothing else you can complain about the asshole you have for a boyfriend. Just please give it a chance.”_

_Her shoulders had slumped an her eyes darted off to look over his right shoulder instead of directly in the eye. Both were her classics signs of surrender. Sam breathed a sigh of relief even as Jules frowned. “You aren’t an asshole. I know you’re just concerned. Doesn‘t mean I have to like it though. I’ll see you at home later?”_

_Sam nodded, looked around to make sure no one was watching, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “It’ll be fine; you’ll see.”_

_“Yeah, whatever. You’d better get changed or you’ll be late.”_

Now, Sam rose from the bench and opened his locker. As he reached for his clothes so he could change, he noticed his newly replaced cell phone was blinking. He reached for it instead. “Yeah, she’s not happy and I maybe sleeping on the couch tonight but she’s going.”

He frowned as he saw he had a missed call from Dr. Luria. He called in to retrieve the voice mail and his frown changed to outright panic as he listened. He ended the call and immediately went to his speed dial. He topped his foot impatiently as he waited for an answer. 

“Damn it, Jules, pick up.” He ended the call and looked to Greg, his blue eyes almost icy with cold, stark fear. “Luria said Jules never showed up for her session. She’s not answering her cell phone either.”

Greg rose. “Maybe there’s a good explanation.”

“And maybe there’s not. What if Johnny’s tried something else?”

“Jim’s on tonight.” Greg answered, sounding sort of random until he continued. “He’s not as good as Spike but we can get him to check her cell’s GPS location. No guarantee that she and her cell are in the same place but it’ll give us a starting place.” Greg didn’t want to admit he was just as worried as Sam was. One of them had to think clearly and it was obviously not going to be Sam.

It didn’t take Jim long to give them a location but Sam didn’t know whether to be alarmed or relieved that it showed that her cell was at home. Without changing out of their uniforms, Greg and Sam went to Greg’s car. Though the younger man didn’t verbally complain, Greg was sure Sam was finding any mode of transportation short of instant teleportation too slow.

Sam stared out the window, his thoughts jumbled. She was -- or at least her cell was-- at home. Home should be a safe place. But how many times had Jules already discovered that that wasn’t always true? He swore to himself that if anything had happened, he really was going to suggest they sell the house and permanently move to Halton.

“Her jeep is here.” Greg commented as they pulled up to the house.

Sam didn’t acknowledge him but was out of the car and halfway up the walk before Greg even had the car in park. His hands fumbled with the key as he unlocked both the regular lock and the dead bolt and threw open the door. The sight that greeted him as he stepped into the living room stopped him in his tracks.

Jules was lying on the living room floor on her side with her back to him. In front of her was Patches. The kitten was darting to and fro chasing after a ball that was dangling from a string Jules was teasing him with. As Sam watched, Patches made a leap for the ball, missed, and rolled into an almost somersault before deciding to be content lying on his back and batting at the ball that Jules now dipped low enough for him to reach. The scene was sweet enough to almost melt away his fear. Almost.

“What the hell?”

“Hey Sam.” Jules greeted him without turning around. “How was the meeting? I’ve got corned beef sandwiches heating in the oven for supper.” She continued to tease the kitten. 

Sam felt his anger replacing the fear that had settled over him from the moment he’d gotten Luria’s call. She sounded happy and fine and like nothing was the matter. All good things but in sharp, direct contrast to his own emotions. He shook his head. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Jules sat up and finally turned to face him. Though she seemed relaxed, her shoulders were squared back as if prepared for battle. Still, almost nonchalantly, she shrugged. “I got tired of hearing it ring so I put it on silent.”

Sam clenched and unclenched his fists. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You put it on silent? Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

The kitten, either realizing the game was over or sensing the tension in the room, loped off to check out the kitchen it hadn’t seen in a couple of weeks. Sarge decided maybe the cat had the right idea and mumbled his own goodbyes. He didn’t want to see the couple argue, didn’t want to take a chance that they would make him chose sides.

Once Jules and Sam were alone in the living room, she rose from the floor and moved to the couch where she played with the corner tassel of one of the pillows. “So, is that how things are now? I can’t even turn my cell phone off without everyone freaking out? Geez, Sam.”

There was more than a hint of belligerence in her tone. One he could imagine that she’d used with her father when she was in trouble growing up. She wasn’t stupid; she had to have known he’d be worried. She was trying to deflect the attention of herself by making him look unreasonable. He wasn’t going to let her.

“You didn’t keep your appointment with Luria. You didn’t answer your cell phone. What the hell was I supposed to think?”

She didn’t lift her head but she did raise her eyes to look at him. “That I stuck with what I said about not needing to go?”

Sam flopped into the arm chair shaking his head. “You promised you would…”

Now Jules did raise her head, her eyes narrowing. “No, I quit voicing that I wouldn’t because I wasn’t getting through to you. No where did I say I was going. If you chose to believe something else, that’s not my fault.”

“I don’t get why you are so opposed to seeing her.” Sam didn’t concede her the win but he did alter the subject slightly. 

She punched at the pillow beside her as if it would help her vent her frustrations. “Because I don’t need to see her. Okay? I had a moment yesterday. It wasn’t a pretty moment but it was just that a moment. Why should I be forced into therapy just because I had a temporary bad reaction? Do you really think I’m that weak and pathetic?”

The hot air of anger slowly leaked from his emotional balloon at her question. Whether she meant to play the emotional card or not, it worked. Jules pushed herself hard at everything she did, refusing to settle for anything less than better than best. Recent events had hit her self esteem hard and he hated to add to that insecurity.

“You know I don’t think you are weak, Jules.” Sam assured her, his tone resigned. “You are so strong; if you weren’t, you never would have come through everything you’ve endured. Getting help when there’s a problem isn’t a sign of weakness.”

Jules filled her cheeks with air and forcibly blew it out again. “Right now the only problem I have is you. I’m going to take the sandwiches out of the oven. They’re there if you want one. I’m not that hungry anymore.”

Most of the time, when she lashed out like she was now doing, he didn’t take it personally. He’d learned over the years that it was her way of dealing with a conversation she wasn’t comfortable with. But this time, there was enough residual emotion left in him that he rose to the bait. 

He followed her to the kitchen as she opened the oven door and used an oven mitt to remove the pan of sandwiches from the hot oven. The door slammed behind him and she jumped dropping the pan to the top of the stove, burning her finger in the process. She cursed and slapped the water faucet on to run cool water on her stinging finger. She kept her back to Sam. He leaned against the counter, his arms folded over his chest. “I’m your only problem, huh? Really? Yeah, it must be some problem having someone care enough about you to worry. What nerve I must have to think loving you entitles me to such trivial emotion. Maybe I should pack my things and go back to my apartment.”

“Maybe you should.” Jules retorted softly.

The temperature in the kitchen, despite the still hot oven, suddenly dropped several degrees and it was as if the air had been sucked directly out of the room. Feeling as if he’d been punched in the gut, Sam shoved his hands into his pockets and left the kitchen without another word. Jules watched him leave, frozen in her spot. For a moment or two her heart stopped beating and she forgot how to breathe. Had she really just encouraged him to leave? Was she seriously that far gone?

As air returned to the room and her breathing regulated closer to normal, she also regained control her body. She turned off the faucet and rushed back through the living room and up the stairs. She burst into her bedroom and stopped when she saw Sam sitting on the edge of the bed. His head was down cradled in his hands and she could hear him breathing even before she closed the gap between them. She stood at the edge of the bed close but not touching him, her head and gaze downcast. “Sam…”

“I’m sorry.” One statement, two words said by two different voices. At the unison apology, they looked up and met each other’s gaze. Sam shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have tried to force you to do something you don’t want to do. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions.”

“Even if you don’t think they’re the right ones?” Jules asked softly.

Sam sighed. “It’s not that I think you’re wrong; I just don’t think I’m wrong either. But if you are this opposed to seeing Luria regardless of your reasons for it, then I’ll support you.”

Jules nodded. “Thanks. I shouldn’t have said you were my problem. I don’t think that at all. I was just lashing out cause I was feeling attacked. I know you are just looking out for me. I shouldn’t have been a bitch about it.”

“I have to tell you,” Sam started looking her in the eye, his mouth a thin line. “That’s starting to piss me off.”

Once more Jules’s head dipped. She’d known there would come a time when she lashed out once too often and he wouldn’t forgive her. Was this the time? “I know. I was pretty unreasonable downstairs.”

“I’m not talking about downstairs. I mean when you call yourself a bitch. If I heard someone else call you that, it would make me want to lay the person out. But to hear you say it about yourself seems worse.” He reached out and took her hand pulling her down on the bed next to him. “I knew you were lashing out. I shouldn’t have let it bother me. I was just upset. I know you can take care of yourself but when I couldn’t reach you, memories of my worst fears coming true were too much. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Jules lowered her head onto his shoulder. “I pretty much knew everyone would freak out when I turned off the sound. It was easier to fight about you not trusting me than about seeing Luria. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“I’m sorry I threatened to leave. It’s not something I ever want to do.”

She breathed a little easier hearing his assurance. “I’m sorry I said you should. It’s the last thing I want you to do. I need you in my life and more importantly I want you here.”

“So we’re good?” Sam asked his arm going around her lower back to pull her closer. 

“We’re good.” Jules assured him and then looked around the room, a slow smile of realization creeping into the corners of her mouth. “Sam, I’m in the bedroom. I didn’t freak out; I’m not having flashbacks to killing the guy who tried to attack me. Look,” She added, holding out her hands. “Not shaking. We don’t have to sleep in the tent tonight.”

The memory of the love they’d made the night before in the tent was so powerful, Sam wouldn’t have minded spending every night in the tent, but he was glad to see her working past her fears. He kissed her and then answered. “I guess you just needed the time to work it all out for yourself. Maybe that’s what you need with everything else. Time to work it out. I won’t say anything more about you seeing Luria but if you decide you want to, I’ll support you 100%.”

“Thanks, but don’t hold your breath.” She sighed heavily. “I guess we should go downstairs and have supper.” Sam could hear the reluctance in her voice. 

“I’m getting a feeling there’s something you would rather do.”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Now that I’m here and its okay and you’re here and we’re okay, I’d like to just cuddle for a little while. Would you mind?”

Sam grinned. “I can get on board with that idea.”

He laid down against the pile of pillows at the headboard, pulling her down with him. He draped one of his legs over her legs settling her in as close to his body as he could. He kissed the top of her head and then nuzzled his nose into her hair, enjoying her scent. One hand lazily grazed up and down her arm. “Just so we’re clear, you don’t mind if I keep my appointment with Luria, do you?”

Tracing random patterns on his chest with her finger, Jules shook her head. She was surprised that he wanted to because she knew he was as uncomfortable with the thought of baring his soul as she was. “I don’t mind. Why? Feel the need to complain about what a bi…” She caught herself before she completed the word. “What a demanding girlfriend you have?” Not exactly a parroting of his earlier words at HQ but the same idea. 

“You’re not demanding but I’d be lying if I said this whole situation wasn’t weighting on me. I want to be able to give you what you need.”

Lifting her hand so she could tilt his head down to meet her lips for a soft kiss. Then she smiled at him. “All I need is for you to love me.”

He tightened his hold on her, enjoying --not for the first time -- just how perfectly she fit in his arms. “Got that covered.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Sorry I’m late.” Sam apologized the next day as he sat in Luria’s office.

She shook her head, waving off his concerns. “I remember all too well how hot calls operate. They don’t come in with respect to the start and end times of shifts. Thanks for having Winnie call and let me know what was going on.”

Sam rubbed his hands almost nervously against his jeans. Then as if realizing it was obvious he was nervous, he stopped but still didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Yeah, well, I figure after you waited around yesterday for Jules I owed it to you to call so you didn’t think I was going to be a no-show as well.”

There were many questions she wanted to ask about the younger woman but she settled for just one. “Can I expect to see both of you here tomorrow evening? Or maybe just her?”

Sam shook his head. “She’s pretty adamant about not coming.” 

“And how do you feel about that?” Luria probed gently. 

“I think that what I think doesn’t matter. Didn’t you tell me the last time I was here that we can’t force her to get help if she’s not ready? Well, she’s made it abundantly clear she’s not ready. It’s just going to make things worse for her if I keep pushing the issue. She’s been forced into things she doesn’t want enough; I’m not adding to it any more. I can either support her in her believe that she’s okay and be there to help if she’s really not or I can make a big deal out if now and only cause more friction. The choice seems easy.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s easy.” Luria mused but secretly she was glad to see Sam was being supportive even when it wasn’t, as she had said, easy.

“No, it doesn’t.” Sam agreed then fell silent.

Luria knew there were things Sam probably needed and wanted to talk about. However, she also knew she had to tread carefully, or he would shut down on her much like Jules had. So she started off with a neutral topic. “How are Ed and Raf doing?”

Sam seemed almost grateful for the conversation starter. “Better. Ed’s coming back the day after tomorrow. He must be driving everyone crazy at home because I think it was Sophie who called and asked about him coming back to work.”

Luria hid a small smile. She knew all too well the difficulties Sophie had with the amount of time Ed spent at work so she knew it was huge if she had been the one to make the request. “And Raf?”

“Might still be another week or so. The ruptured eardrum has to heal first. I don’t think he minds though. I heard he’s been calling old girlfriends looking for someone willing to play ‘nurse.’” he added the air quotes around nurse as he said it.

Now she didn’t try to hide her smile. She’d barely even met Raf before but from what she heard, he seemed to be a good fit with Team One. She was glad to hear that both men were doing better. Now that she’d relaxed Sam a little, she felt a little more at ease pushing him toward the topics that were more crucial to why he was there. “Greg filled in the blanks for me about what’s going on with Dawson. Couldn’t have been easy hearing what he had to say.”

Even from her spot behind her desk, she could feel him tense up at the mere mention of Dawson’s name. “Everything he said was a lie. Jules didn’t do anything. She turned him down.”

Luria hid her surprise much like she had her smile earlier. Given the reaction she’d witnessed at the Wordsworths she would have thought some of it at least had to have been true. After all, they weren’t there to discuss Jules. This session was about Sam. “Still, it couldn’t have been easy for you to hear him say those things. Thinking Jules had agreed to his demands to help you.”

Sam rose up off the couch and began to pace. “I don’t know what I would have done if she really had given herself to him. I don’t know if I could have lived with the guilt of knowing my actions had put her in that position.”

Luria watched him from her seat. “But you didn’t hurt Dawson. You were cleared of the charges.”

“Yeah, but if I hadn’t stormed out of the apartment, if I had stayed and faced my dad instead of letting him get a rise out of me, then there wouldn’t have been any charges in the first place. I put myself in a position that Johnny could use to his advantage and because of that Jules had to choose between protecting herself and protecting me. And even though she made the right choice, she felt guilty like she’d let me down. She was upset the other day, almost hysterical, because she thought I would hate her because she hadn’t slept with the bastard. That it meant she didn’t love me.”

“But you assured her that her fears were unfounded and that your relationship was secure.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, but it doesn’t change the fact that once again Johnny Dawson succeeded in hurting her. Maybe not physically but he still hurt her. It makes me sick. How many times does he get to hurt her before we finally are able to do something to stop him?”

Luria didn’t have an answer and figured his question was more rhetorical anyway. “Eventually he’s going to make a mistake and he will be arrested.”

“But at what cost to Jules in the meantime? I swear to you, I’m starting to think the only punishment he deserves is death. And I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty for saying I’ll be glad when he’s dead.”


	72. Chapter 72

“Okay, seriously Ed, what kind of bad karma did you put on us today?” Jules asked as Team One filed back into the briefing room carrying take-out bags from the nearby Chinese restaurant. So far on Ed’s first day back at work, they’d already served one warrant and handled four hot calls all before noon. They were hoping to be able to eat a quick lunch uninterrupted. “Or were you so glad to get back to work that you specifically ordered a busy day? Just because you‘ve had a week of slacking off doesn‘t mean you have to try to cram everything you missed into one shift.”

Ed shook his head as he sat down in a chair next to hers and started to pull white box containers from his bag. He glanced at her. “Oh, that’s funny. You suddenly decide to become a comedian while I was gone?”

“Oh, I’ve always been funny.” Jules quipped. “Are you just now noticing it? Maybe you got hit in the head harder than we all thought.”

Ed considered the young woman sitting beside him. He’d heard, of course, about the trouble Dawson had tried to cause for Sam and the fallout that had resulted from it. Greg had filled him in completely the other night when he dropped Clark off after they’d helped to put Jules’s and Sam’s bedroom back to rights. After hearing about her breakdown at Wordy’s, he’d been half afraid Jules would be even more of a shell of her usually vibrant and confident self than she’d been. He’d kept a careful eye on her all day and to his relief, just the opposite seemed true. She was her old self, as if none of the bad things from the previous weeks had happened. Had hitting rock bottom been the catalyst she had needed to pick herself back up? Or was she operating under the old saying “fake it til you make it” and pretending everything was okay until it really was? He leveled his gaze at her and shook his head. “I can’t believe I rushed back to this kind of abuse. What was I thinking?”

Jules snorted as she stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork. She could use chopsticks with the best of them but when you never knew how much time you would get for eating, you went with quick and fast. “I know exactly what you thinking. You were thinking the same thing we all think when we’re forced to be off. You couldn’t wait to get back because the job is in your blood. What I can’t figure out is what Sophie was thinking. Did she seriously call Sarge about letting you come back early?”

“Yeah, Eddie, I have to say I was surprised when Sophie put in her request.” Greg agreed. “When she called, I thought for sure she was about to ask me not to listen when you called asking me to let you.”

The rest of the team with the exception of George who was working for Raf and didn’t know Ed as well, chimed in with their theories. Spike grinned. “She got tired of hearing you complain, didn’t she?”

Sam shook his head. “She had five months of listening to him bitch and moan when he got shot and she didn’t cave then. Not to mention she was on maternity leave then as well so she didn’t get a break from it then.”

“Team One has become a veritable comedy club in my absence.” Ed complained. “Is it really too difficult to believe she knew I was ready to come back to work?”

“Yes.” Four voices chimed in in unison. Jules put her fork down and reached for her cell phone. Ed frowned.

“What are you doing there, Constable Callaghan?”

She smirked. “Well, Constable Lane, since you don’t want to own up to the truth, I figured I’d go right to the source. I’m sure Sophie will tell me what really happened to get her to want you out of her hair.”

Before she could get the number dialed, Ed took the phone away from her and set it on the table. “Okay fine, you really want to know? I got bored sitting at home. I know this might come as a surprise but I don’t do bored well at all. So I decided to be helpful. I gathered all the dirty clothes and decided to do the laundry. Only I didn’t check the labels on the clothes. Soph’s brand new sweater that she was so proud of and that can only be dry cleaned is now small enough that Izzy could wear it. But I don’t think even Izzy would want to wear it as misshapen as it is now. Considering it was a $150 sweater that she managed to catch on sale for a third of the normal price, she was pretty mad.”

Spike winced. He’d made the mistake of helping his mother with the laundry only once. After he’d turned a load of whites pink by letting a new red shirt get mixed in with the wash, she’d politely asked him not to “help” any more. And he’d abided by her wished until after she’d left for Italy. When he’d moved in with Natalie, she’d started out by insisting that he do his fair share. That is until he made a similar mistake with one of her favorite blouses. Then the rule his mother established became law. “Ouch. On the upside, she’ll never ask you to do the laundry again.”

“She didn’t ask this time.” Ed reminded him. “I think she would have forgiven me about the sweater if I hadn’t made a worse mistake.”

“Worse than ruining a $150 sweater? This will be good.” Jules predicted dryly and then laughed when he balled up a napkin and chunked it at her hitting her on the nose. 

“Smart ass. Maybe I won’t tell you anything more.” Ed threatened.

Jules shrugged. “Sarge, can you give Sophie a call since Mr. Laundry stole my phone?”

“I threw out practically a whole catering job.” Ed blurted out before Greg could answer or reach for his phone. “Soph’s been complaining about not having a big enough freezer and that she never has enough space for anything. So I’m rummaging through the freezer the other day…”

“For the hidden ice cream stash no doubt.” Jules added for him to which earned her a pelting from another wadded up napkin ball.

“And it seemed like the entire freezer was filled with who knows how many of those plastic containers. I thought no wonder she doesn’t have any room; when was the last time we cleaned out the freezer. I swear I checked the dates and they were all from right after Izzy was born. Her mother made us all these dinners and put them in the freezer. I figured after all this time they probably weren’t good anymore so I tossed them all out. I thought I’d surprise Sophie with all the extra space when she got home.”

“Let me guess, she was surprised all right. But not in a good way?” Greg predicted.

“Yeah, apparently she’d kept the containers after we ate the contents. She had several catering jobs lined up for this week so she worked ahead and prepared some things ahead of time. Unbeknownst to me, she froze what she made in the recycled containers and didn’t change the dates because she knew what it was. She had to stay up all night to replace what I threw out. I thought she was going to throw me out as well.”

“Nice.” Jules tried to look sympathetic but the impish gleam in her eyes made it clear she was enjoying his trouble too much to be truly sympathetic. “You know, Sarge. You should probably remember that the next time Ed gets bored around here and it’s inventory time. He might decide to throw out a Remy or two thinking we have too many.”

Ed shrugged at her good-natured ribbing. “She’s got a point, Boss. When we do inventory, I’ll sit back and let Jules do my part as well as her own.”

The guys laughed as Jules’s grin turned to a frown as she realized her joke had backfired on her. “Hey, when did you get so mean?”

He laughed and parroted her words from earlier. “I’ve always been mean. Are you just now noticing?”

“Jules,” Winnie interrupted, sticking her head into the briefing room, “Detective Gray is here to see you.”

Jules dropped the plastic fork into the container of Chinese she’d been eating, her appetite now completely suppressed. The lighthearted mood evaporated at the mention of the female SCU detective handling Jules’s case, a case that was supposed to be closed despite Jules’s new fear that someone it really had been Johnny who had hurt her the first time. She pushed her chair back. None of the guys said anything but she could feel Sam’s concerned gaze boring into her. She followed Winnie out to the dispatchers desk where the detective was waiting. She smiled at Jules.

“I’m sorry to bother you at work but I didn’t want to put this off.”

“Didn’t want to put what off?” Her words sounded hollow even to her own ears, almost as if she was talking into a long tunnel.

“I received a call today from Wendy Miathis. Actually I’ve been getting almost daily calls from her since the newspaper printed the story about what happened at your house.” Det. Gray frowned. “She’s another victim of the man you killed in your home. I think I’ve mentioned her to you before.”

Jules nodded mutely. What did this have to do with her? “If I remember correctly, you told me she’s pretty much been too scared to leave her house since she was hurt.”

Detective Gray nodded. “That’s right. I had to go to her in order to get a positive id that the man who broke into your attic and tried to attack you was the same man who attacked her. He was. I had hoped that learning he was dead would make things better for her.”

Jules didn’t have to ask to know that it hadn’t. She could see it in the female detective’s face. Plus, she‘d pulled a few strings and read the police reports from the other cases connected to hers. Not even Sam knew she‘d done that but she‘d felt compelled to know everything there was to know about him and what he‘d done to the others. Her heart went out to the young woman who, as far as they knew, had been the only other person who survived his attack. “Why does she keep calling?”

“Because of you.” The detective replied. “As you know, the paper didn’t release any identifying information about you other than the fact you were a cop. It didn‘t even say which unit you were with. Wendy has been begging me to give her your name. I told her I couldn’t do that. Each time I talk to her she sounds more and more desperate. She says she wants to meet you, that she thinks it’ll help her put what happened behind her. She called me again today and it’s the worst I’ve heard her. She sounds desperate to meet you and talk to you in person. I told her I couldn’t release your identity but if she wanted I could pass on her name and address to you and let you make the decision.”

“Sounds like she’s at the end of her rope.” Greg commented. Concern and curiosity had prompted him to eavesdrop on the conversation. “Jules, maybe you should throw her a lifeline.”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, I could go see her after work. Give me her information.”

“Go on now.” Greg offered. “Take Sam with you and we’ll radio you if we get something.” She’d been riding with Ed all morning but Greg figured Sam would be better suited to go with her to visit Wendy. He would be a less imposing male presence to a traumatized woman than Ed would. Plus, he already knew more about Jules’s story than the rest of them. His being there would be less likely to make Jules uncomfortable as well.

After getting the address from Detective Gray, Jules and Sam left. She insisted on driving and Sam didn’t argue. Focusing on the road in front of her would ensure she didn’t get so far in her own thoughts that she couldn’t effectively help Wendy.

“You okay with this?” Sam probed gently. She’d been so much more her usual self the last few days that he didn’t want this to send her back to the emotional pit she’d been in.

Jules shrugged. “Yeah. She’s not much more than a kid. College freshman with her whole life before her when she was attacked.”

She knew the whole story, or at least what was in the police report she’d read. But she didn’t want to reveal just how much she knew cause it would clue Sam in that she knew more than she should. According to the report, Wendy had come home from the library one Friday evening and as she was unlocking the front door a man had forced his way inside with her. He’d drugged and restrained her before raping her repeatedly. All while Wendy’s invalid mother lay unaware in a bedroom in the back of the house. It had been late Sunday before Wendy had recovered enough to call for help. 

Sam reached over and squeezed her hand. “She still has her whole life ahead of her. She just has to realize it.”

Before Jules could answer, they arrived at Wendy’s address. The house was run down and in need of repair but at least someone had been keeping the yard trimmed. She sighed. “From what I gathered, Wendy rarely leaves her house. She dropped out of college all together. Every day for the last year she’s been a prisoner in her own home, the very place where she was hurt.”

“She scared he’s going to come back?” Sam mused.

Jules thought about some of her own fears and how irrational some of them were. “Obviously not now but it may be that she doesn’t even know what she’s scared of. She’s just scared and trying to get control where she can, even if it doesn’t make sense. Chances are, given what she’s been though, you being here might make her uncomfortable.”

Sam nodded. He’d considered the possibility and had been thinking about the best way to handle the situation. Finally he decided it was just better to ask. “You think I should wait in the truck?”

“Let her decide.” Jules suggested. “Considering the guy had to have been watching her house for her to come back, it might unnerve her more to have you outside hovering. Whatever she says, I know you’ll be sensitive to her needs. No doubt in my mind.”

They made their way to the front door and Jules rang the doorbell. As they waited for Wendy to answer, Sam made sure he stayed in full view of the door and the windows but at the same time stayed well back from the door. The door that didn’t open even when they heard someone on the other side of the wooden barrier. Then a timid voice asked, “Can I help you?”

“Wendy, my name is Jules Callaghan. I’m with the Strategic Response Unit and this is my partner Sam Braddock. Nothing is wrong. Detective Gray gave me your name and asked me to visit you.”

They heard the sound of two door bolts retracting and then a chain being released. The door opened to reveal a very pale, fragile looking young woman. Her eyes resembled that of a deer’s when caught in headlights, but she also regarded Jules in surprise. “Are you the one who….that stopped….” She frowned. “But you’re so tiny. I thought someone who was able to defeat him would be larger than life somehow.”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, I am the one who stopped him. And yes I‘m small but I managed to get away and get to a weapon. Detective Gray said you were pretty anxious to meet me. That’s why I came while I was on duty. Is now an okay time for us to talk?”

Wendy nodded but eyed Sam warily. Jules smiled at her. “Sam doesn’t have to come in if it will make you uncomfortable. He had to come with me because if we get a call, we have to respond.”

Wendy regarded him seriously. “Would he mind waiting on the porch but staying where I can see him?”

“Not at all Wendy.” Sam assured her, his voice as soft and gentle as when he interacted with Izzy. “Whatever you want.”

Wendy stepped back to allow Jules into the house. She left the door open and chose a seat where she could look through the opening and keep an eye on Sam at the same time. She blushed. “I know it’s stupid, he’s a cop and he won’t hurt me.”

“It’s not stupid.” Jules assured her. “And he doesn’t mind. The last thing he’d want to do is make this harder for you.”

For a moment Wendy didn’t say anything but finally she frowned. “Do you know why?”

“Why what, Wendy?” Jules asked. The question seemed to be too haunted to be her asking why Sam would want to make her uncomfortable.

“Why the guy targeted you. He told me while he was hurting me that I was getting what I deserved; that I’d asked for it. I’d never seen him before so I don’t know how I did that.”

“Wendy, I know I’m probably not the first to tell you this but you did nothing wrong. Nobody asks for someone to hurt her the way he hurt you. It’s an excuse men like him use to try to justify actions that can’t be justified.”

“But something must have made him choose me that night. He knew my routine, knew my mom would be at home but that she couldn’t do anything. I wasn’t some random target. If I don’t know how I attracted him, how can I be sure I don’t do the same thing with some other psycho?” 

Jules reached out and gave the younger woman’s hand a squeeze. “Just because this terrible thing happened once, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. The chances of that are…” She trailed off as it hit her that it had happened to her twice. “It’s not something you should be afraid of. But no, I don’t know why he chose me. I do know how it feels to think there must be something wrong with me though. Some mark or some sign that tells men that it’s okay to hurt me. Sometimes the only way to counter that fear is to surround yourself with guys who aren’t going to hurt you. But to do that you have to take a chance on meeting people you can trust.”

“I had a boyfriend when I was raped.” Wendy explained as if that explained everything. “He was -- no, is -- a great guy and he tried to be there for me. He felt bad because he was out of town the weekend it happened. But as much as I loved and wanted him, I couldn’t fully trust him and it got to be too much. I pushed him away and he left. Not because he wanted to but because I needed him to. He deserves someone who can give him more than I’m capable of. He still calls me sometimes to check on me.”

It sounded like her ex-boyfriend was still interested in her but trying to give her space. Much like Jules imagined Sam would have done if she’d needed it. It gave her hope that Wendy had a potential good future ahead of her. “Wendy, it took me twenty years to find someone I loved enough to overcome my fears enough to have the kind of relationship we both wanted. I’m still not completely there yet but I’m willing to work toward it. More importantly, he’s willing to be patient with me as I do. You’ll get to that point eventually. Maybe with this guy or maybe with someone else.”

“Twenty years? But….” Wendy looked confused.

It wasn’t easy for Jules to open up about her past but this time she did. Slowly, almost as if she were talking about someone else and not her personal nightmare, Jules related what had happened to her at age sixteen. Wendy listened with rapt attention. When Jules finished, the young woman shook her head. “And you never told anyone?”

Jules shook her head. “I wasn’t brave like you were. I was scared. Scared that he’d find a way to hurt me worse. Scared that people would believe it was my fault if they knew. Scared that my father or my brothers would get in trouble because they would try to avenge what happened.”

Wendy looked to the ground. “When Det. Gray brought me the picture to ask me if it was the same man who hurt me and she told me he was dead, my first fear was that my brother had done it. He’s got a good heart but he doesn’t always make the best choices. More like he’s made some really bad choices that put him in jail two different times. He just got out two months ago from a five year sentence. He was so mad that I’d been hurt and that the police hadn’t found the person. He said he couldn’t move back in here knowing that I’d been hurt and he hadn’t been here to protect me. He was almost obsessed with finding the guy who did it; it was scary. I was afraid he’d do something stupid and get into more trouble. So when Detective Gray told me what had really happened, I was relieved. Chris has even moved back in. I think it’ll help both of us.”

“I hope so.” Jules added. “Cause Wendy, you deserve to have a full and rich life that’s not controlled by your fears. I want you to have that. More importantly I want you to want that for yourself. Cause no one else can give that to you. You have to be willing to get it for yourself.”

She picked at the fringe on a throw pillow. “The paper said the night you killed him might not have been the first time he hurt you. That he came back a second time and that’s when you killed him. I was so scared after my attack that he was going to come back. I was too scared to leave the house but scared to stay at the same time. How do you do it? How do you go on with your life like nothing happened?”

Jules sighed. She’d been asking herself that question for awhile now. “We don’t know for sure who attacked me a couple of days before I killed him. It could have been him or it could have been my uncle trying to finish what he started twenty years ago. I may never know. And Wendy, don’t look at me like I’ve got it all figured out cause I don’t. I’m so far from having it figured out it’s pitiful. Some days I can make it through the day with barely a thought about what happened and then other days it’s all I can do not to curl up in a ball somewhere and just try to forget the rest of the world is out there.”

“WENDY!” A male shout filled the room and the two women looked up to see a man trying to push his way past Sam to get inside. “Wendy, what happened. Are you okay?”

“Chris? What are you doing here? I thought you were at work. It’s okay, he’s my brother.”

“Sam, let him in.” Jules reported. Sam stepped aside but followed the man inside. 

The newcomer hugged Wendy tightly. “I got a late lunch and decided to eat it here. When I saw the police vehicle I got scared. Wen, what’s going on?”

The young woman cast a small smile in Jules’s direction. “Chris, this is Jules. She’s the one who stopped the guy who hurt me from hurting anyone else.”

Chris Miathis, not releasing his hold on his baby sister, reached out a hand to shake Jules’s. “Thank you for everything you’ve done to help us. You can’t possibly know how much it means to me. To both of us.”

His thank you seemed a little odd but Jules didn’t dwell on it. “Well, to be honest, at the time I was just trying to help myself not get hurt. Wendy, Sam and I need to get back on patrol now. But if you need to talk or if you just need someone to help you take some baby steps back into your old life, call me.” She handed the younger woman a card with her name and number on it. Wendy smiled her thanks and accepted the card. After saying their goodbyes, the two SRU officers 

Once they were back in the SUV, Sam glanced over at Jules who was staring thoughtfully out the window. Even from the distance that he’d been forced to keep for Wendy’s peace of mind while she talked to Jules, he’d been able to watch and observe not only the woman they had come to talk to but the woman he loved as well. Jules had been the consummate professional, empathetic but not emotional, nothing to outwardly indicate that this was anything more than just a typical interview. Yet, it had been almost painful for him to watch.

It was clear that their shared experience had made it easier for Wendy to open up and share more with Jules than she’d probably been able to share even with her therapist. While Sam was glad for Wendy, he worried about the emotional toil it would have on Jules. He could almost see scab after scab of wounds both new and old being picked away on Jules’s emotional well being. All the emotions he was sure she’d been carefully bottling away and hiding behind a cheerful, carefree façade after the blow up about her missed visit to Dr. Luria to prove that she hadn’t needed it in the first place were threatening to burst under the pressure.

Even though he knew it was, he doubled checked to make sure his head set was turned off. He frowned, keeping his eyes on the road, just catching her in the periphery of her vision. “You okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, It’s hard. Listening to her, it was like listening to my own story all over again. Every pain, every humiliation, every fear, I knew all too well. I couldn’t help but thinks she’s me or I’m her. It’s weird actually. I’ve interviewed assault victims many times in the past and while it’s always painful, I’ve never had that ‘looking in a mirror’ feeling like with Wendy today. Maybe because we were attacked by the same guy.”

“Maybe.” Sam conceded, then went on to assure her. “There’s a big difference though. She let what happened take over her life. Closing herself off like she has, refusing to get out for fear it’ll happen again. That’s no way to live. Even keeping what happened to you a secret, you didn’t let it consume you or define who you are.”

Jules glanced at him. “Didn’t I? Maybe I haven’t locked myself in the house but it’s impacted every relationship I’ve had and since the second attack it feels pretty all consuming. To the point I don’t recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror every morning.”

Sam reached over and touched her cheek. “I still recognize her. Deep down you’re still the same tough, independent, stubborn as hell woman I fell in love with.”

Jules gave a half eye roll. “Thanks for noticing all my good qualities.”

Sam smiled and his hand trailed down and took her hand in his and brought it to his lips for a quick kiss. “You’re also beautiful, compassionate, and sexy as hell but I think you think you’ve lost those first qualities that make you you. I know you, Jules, you had doubts about yourself and your abilities after you were shot. And you came back from it as strong as ever -- maybe stronger. This will be the same way.”

“I’m glad you believe in me.” Jules mumbled. Then she cleared her throat. “Still, I look at Wendy and I feel bad. She did everything right; she reported the attack, got help, but she still can’t get past what he did to her. Even knowing he’s dead and can’t hurt her again, she’s still struggling. People shouldn’t have control of you from the grave.”

Sam’s blue eyes were almost clear as he took his eyes off the road long enough to glance her way. “He only has control over her because she lets him have it.”

His phone interrupted them and he reached for it. The name on the Caller ID caused him to frown. “I wonder what the hell she wants.” He answered with a terse hello.

_“Sam, it’s Rhonda. I’m so sorry for doubting you. I thought he was so nice but he’s not. He’s just sick. I’m scared and I didn’t know who else to call.”_

Sam frowned. She did sound frantic, but this was Rhonda; she could make a broken fingernail sound like the end of the world. “Rhonda, slow down. What are you talking about?”

_“JD. It’s like he’s obsessed with Jules or something. The things he has and what he does with them; it’s just wrong and he’s her uncle. It’s just sick. I don’t think he knows I found them but I’m sure when he realizes they’re gone, he’ll know I’m responsible. I’m scared what he might do to me when he does. Please, Sam, I don’t have a right to ask but please help. If not for me , then for Jules. I think he has plans to do bad things.”_

Her rambling was hard to follow but Sam was pretty sure he got the gist of what she was trying to say. She’d apparently discovered that Johnny was in possession of something that possibly proved he was the sick bastard they all knew he was. And apparently it was enough to convince Rhonda that Jules was in danger. “Where are you?”

After Rhonda told him she was at her apartment, Sam promised to come right over. As he returned his cell phone to its holster, Jules, who’d only heard his side of the conversation, shook her head in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“Seems like Rhonda has resigned from her position as president of the Johnny Dawson fan club. She sounded pretty worried but who knows with her. Still it’s worth checking out, especially if it can get us information that we can use to nail his sorry ass.”

Jules nodded and Sam turned the vehicle in the direction of his apartment building. He pulled up directly in front and looked at Jules. “Why don’t you wait here. No sense in both of going up and I know you aren’t comfortable going inside.”

She chewed her bottom lip, warring with her personal demons and her professional sense of duty. “I can handle it, Sam. I’m a cop and this could be police business.” Jules protested, her chin jutting out defiantly.

Sam shrugged. “And it could be Rhonda making a big deal over nothing we can use. Or it could be a ploy by Johnny to get close enough to start some more shit. I’ll go up and see what she has. If I need you, I’ll call.”

“Okay.” Jules acquiesced quickly. The fact that she hadn’t put up a fuss told Sam how deep seated her desire to stay away from Johnny really was. The knowledge gut him to the quick. As he made his way to his floor he hoped Rhonda seriously had something they could use to nail Johnny’s ass once and for all. Jules deserved the peace of mind as much as Johnny deserved to pay for his crimes.

He knocked on Rhonda’s door and it opened slightly at his touch. He stepped inside, one hand automatically coming to rest on the butt of his gun. His cop instincts kept him from announcing his presence as he instead quickly and silently scanned the room. 

There was no sign of Rhonda and no sounds whatsoever from inside the apartment to indicate she was even there. Sam was about to investigate further when a familiar image caught his eye from the coffee table. His frown deepened. Why would Rhonda have a photograph of Jules? He recognized it immediately. It had been taken the night of the Gala when Jules had received her award for the Law Enforcement Person of the Year. She’d been so beautiful that night and for once a camera did true justice in capturing everything minute detail of her appearance even down to the wistful expression in her eyes. Nobody else who had seen the picture had commented on it but Sam could see it and he knew it was because he had felt compelled by the news that Toth would make an appearance at the gala to stay away. Sophie had snapped plenty of pictures of the night but as far as he knew Jules was the only one she’d given copies to. 

Next to the photograph was something even more out of place. The pair of hipster boy short panties could have belonged to Rhonda; after all it was her apartment. However the familiar blue orca jumping from the water to form a c was all he needed to see to know that this particular pair of panties belonged to Jules. He’d given her the pair of Vancouver Canucks for Valentine’s day right after they’d started dating again. It had been more of a joke gift than anything but the joke had been on him when Jules had insisted on wearing them to surprise him from time to time. The last such time had been the night before she’d been attacked. To be honest, he hadn’t even paid it much attention as they had shed clothes because he’d been too wrapped up in making love to her to notice what she was wearing. It had only been later, when he’d finally gotten around to straightening up after the attack that he’d seen the panties lying in the pile of clothes they had discarded. He’d put it along with the other clothes in the laundry hamper in the master bathroom and not given it another thought. He picked them up and held them as tenderly as if he’d been holding the woman who usually wore them. His stomach twisted as he recognized the stains that were splattered all over the panties. Stains he recognized and was sickened by as he realized what it probably meant. No wonder Rhonda had sounded scared and disgusted . His own disgust washed over him as he dropped the now offensive material. Given the chance, Sam couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t cheerfully kill Dawson with his bare hands. And that would be just for starters.

Frustration built in Sam as he continued to glance around the room. Where the hell was Rhonda and where had she’d gotten the picture and panties? Time for stealth was over and he wanted -- strike that, needed -- answers. “Rhonda? Sam Braddock, Strategic Response Unit.”

He crossed the room to check out the bathroom and kitchen. He stopped at the end of the couch and his pulse quickened. Rhonda lay crumpled on the floor behind the sofa, a pool of blood forming beneath her. He didn’t have to check a pulse to know that she was dead; her vacant, staring, lifeless, open eyes were proof enough. Even if they’d been closed, Sam would have known that death was the only possible outcome. The deep cut across her throat severing both the carotid and jugular wouldn’t have given her a chance at survival. Death had probably been instantaneous. At least Sam hoped so; even if Rhonda had been annoying in life, she hadn’t deserved to die in this cruel manner. The murder weapon -- a kitchen knife by all appearances -- lay discarded beside her, no longer needed now that it’s job was finished.

Still, Sam leaned down to check to see if by some miracle she had survived. Needed to verify even though he knew that it wasn’t possible. When, as he’d figured, there was no pulse, Sam reached for his radio to call in the murder. He never heard someone creeping up behind him. Saw nothing and felt only the briefest moment of pain as something heavy and solid connected with the back of his skull. Then blackness closed over him as he fell unconscious over Rhonda’s dead body.


	73. Chapter 73

Sam slowly opened his eyes. His head was pounding and it took him a minute to remember why. Rhonda was dead and someone had clubbed him from behind. Probably, if he had to guess given Rhonda’s call, that someone was Johnny. Eventually, Sam’s eyes focused and he could see Johnny standing no more than three feet away with his back to him. Sam reached for his gun but his whole utility belt was gone. His radio and headset had also been taken from him.

Fighting back a wave of nausea, Sam took advantage of the one weapon he still had and that was surprise. Moving quietly and quickly, Sam rose only as much he had to in order to launch himself at Dawson. He caught the man at the knees and sent him sprawling to the floor. Something fell from Dawson’s hand and skittered across the floor, but Sam paid it no attention. 

Johnny immediately turned and swung his fist but Sam saw the punch coming and moved. The blow still glanced off his chin but without the force to do any damage. The two men grappled on the floor for a moment and it looked like Sam might actually have an advantage. Even dizzy and nauseated, his combat training and sheer hatred gave Sam the upper hand. Never had it felt so good to land a successful punch during a fist fight as each one that Sam threw at Johnny. It seemed likely that Sam was going to be the victor of the fight.

That is until a searing pain erupted in his left thigh. Sam fell back in agony and stared down at the knife embedded there. A knife all too familiar because it was the one he carried on his uniform. Immediately the pants material around the wound began to stain with blood but Sam knew it was nothing compared to the amount of blood he would lose if the knife was removed. Fortunately though, Sam was pretty sure from the placement of the wound that Johnny had managed, by luck or by skill, to avoid hitting the femoral artery that would have meant almost sure death. 

Sam cursed as Johnny shoved the knife all the way to the hilt into his thigh. Darkness once more threatened to close over him but Sam fought it. If he passed out, Johnny would probably kill him. Staying awake didn’t totally rule that out but it gave him a fighting chance at least. With a sickening yank, Johnny pulled out the knife and rolled Sam over onto his stomach. The injured man’s wrists were pulled together and secured with the help of the plastic flexi cuffs that had also come from Sam’s utility belt. He cursed himself that he was giving Johnny an arsenal of weapons to use against him. Johnny’s knee pressed into the back of Sam’s legs sending more waves of pain coursing through him. His eyes dropped shut but Johnny flipped him over and slapped his cheek.

“I wouldn’t fall asleep if I were you. Might be the last chance you ever get to see the woman you love.” Johnny laughed as Sam shook his head. Sam wanted to protest that Jules wasn’t coming but he couldn’t form the words. Johnny’s eyes almost glowed as he explained. “You must have a harder head than I thought. I hit you hard enough to knock you out for awhile. Instead I barely get enough time to send JAC a text from your phone saying you needed her. She should be here any second.”

Almost as if on cue, they heard soft footsteps approaching the door. Without hesitation, Johnny pulled Sam to his feet and used him as a shield. The bloody knife was held at Sam’s throat.

“Sam?” Jules’s voice was calm and professional as she eased the door open. When she’d gotten the text from Sam, she hadn’t hesitated to come up but it hadn’t been easy to actually pass the door where the man who had hurt her so much had been staying. Now stepping into Rhonda’s apartment and seeing what waited for her though made her blood run cold. The man she loved was being held at knifepoint by the man she hated. The irony of the situation was not lost on her even as she reached for her gun.

“Uh uh. I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Little Girl.” Johnny warned. “Guns pointed at me make me nervous and I don’t think you would like it if my shaking hand caused Golden Boy to gain a new smile across his throat. Besides, guns can be so noisy. We wouldn’t want the nosy neighbors calling 9-1-1, would we?”

“Let him go, Johnny.” Jules urged, keeping her hands away from her side. “He doesn’t have to be a part of this.”

Johnny snorted. “You made him a part of this. None of this had to happen. Nobody had to get hurt. All I wanted was for you to want me as much as I want you. I wanted us to be together.”

Jules was a trained negotiator and this was, for all intents and purposes, a negotiation. The fact that this was extremely too personal didn’t change anything. She swallowed back the almost overwhelming urge to run from the room and place her hands over her eyes and ears and hide from everything. She wouldn’t give in to that urge though. She wouldn’t be that quivering sixteen year-old who felt helpless and scared. She wasn’t that girl anymore. She was a trained professional capable of handling the situation. And if that meant ignoring the fact that his plea made her skin crawl then that’s what she would do.

“Then, if nobody was supposed to get hurt, let Sam go. He’s injured and he needs medical attention. Let me get him help and then we can talk.”

“Jules…” Sam’s voice was quiet and weak. “Don’t.”

Johnny shook his head. “I don’t think so; not yet anyway. Somehow I don’t see lover boy here letting you go so easy. I know I couldn’t. So how about you nice and easy like take off that gun belt and kick it toward me. Wouldn’t want to take any chances, would we? Every time it rains, my shoulder reminds me what a good shot you are. I wouldn’t want a repeat.”

Again Sam’s eyes pleaded with her not to do what Johnny wanted but Jules had to keep her hostage safe. Never had a negotiation felt so important. Making her movement deliberate, she unfastened her utility belt and carefully eased it to the floor. She gave it a little kick in his direction. Johnny smiled. 

“Turn your radio off and do the same with it, that cute little ear thingy, and your cell phone. Wouldn’t want the rest of your boyfriends showing up and ruining our fun.”

Her radio. She couldn’t give up her one last contact with the rest of the team. Sam’s life and maybe even her own might depend on them figuring out something was wrong. A glimmer of an idea formed in the back of her mind. “If you don’t want the rest of the team crashing the party then you probably don’t want me turning off the radio. Sam and I are on shift. If we get a call or Sarge tries to reach us and can’t, they’ll know something is wrong.”

Johnny eyed her carefully as if trying to decide if she was telling the truth or trying to pull one on him. “Okay, the radio can stay on but I hold on to it to make sure you aren’t trying to transmit messages. Kick them over to me.”

Jules did as he requested although now the loss of her weapons and her communication devices left her feeling naked and vulnerable. Swallowing back her unease, she focused on the negotiation. “Okay, Johnny, how about letting me check on Sam? That wound looks pretty serious. Can I at least try to stop the bleeding?”

“What’s it worth to you?” Johnny asked, a wolfish grin on his face.

It took every ounce of self control for Jules not to react to the implication in his words. She knew better than to ask what else he wanted. Instead, “I surrendered my weapon and radio. Isn’t that enough?”

“Not nearly.” Johnny answered vehemently. He tightened his hold on Sam, the knife precariously pressed against Sam’s throat. “I think I made it clear earlier this week what I wanted. That hasn’t changed.”

“She’s not going to have sex with you, Asshole.” Sam muttered, the words coming out in painful pants.

For just a brief moment, Jules allowed her eyes to meet with Sam’s and despite the gravity of the situation she wanted to smile. His words brought to mind simpler days when Sam was still the rookie on Team One and his negotiation attempts in training had been les than exemplary. Someone who didn’t know better might think that he hadn’t learned anything in his years at SRU. But she knew while he preferred the Sierra position, he’d gotten to be quite an accomplished negotiator. It was his pain and frustration letting him slip now or maybe it was just that he was hoping to ease her fears.

Johnny frowned. “Don’t be crass, Golden Boy. More importantly don’t be so sure. I already told you how she moaned with pleasure while doing me in the hospital and that was just to keep you out of jail. No telling how far she’d go with your life actually on the line. I bet she’d even let me take her up the ass to save you.”

Only her training and careful sniper breaths kept her from throwing up right there. Sam struggled in Johnny’s arms and the knife held at his throat nicked him ever so slightly. Jules shook her head both warning Sam still and rejecting Johnny’s words. 

“Nothing happened that day.” Jules reminded him, her voice detached and emotionless. This could be some random subject and nameless hostage for all her voice indicated.

Johnny shrugged, the movement causing yet another nick from the well-sharpened weapon. “That’s right. Sorry, Golden Boy, guess you don’t quite make the cut. She wasn’t interested enough in saving you to put out. Guess she doesn’t care as much about you as you both claim she does.”

“Johnny, please. Just let me take care of his wound. You said you didn’t want anyone hurt.” Just a hint of her emotions bled through in her voice as her eyes focused on the trickle of blood that leaked down his neck. She could tell Sam was rapidly losing strength; he needed help and soon. 

Johnny shrugged. “Don’t worry, JAC, I’ll let you take care of lover boy here and all it will cost you is a kiss. One kiss isn’t so much to ask for if it’ll keep Golden Boy from bleeding out, is it?”

“Don’t Jules.” Sam once more urged. But she ignored his pleadings.

“One kiss.” Jules consented. She stepped closer, not meeting Sam’s gaze. She didn’t want to kiss Johnny, would rather gargle with acid first but if she could get close enough perhaps she could disarm him. Close quarter battles might be Wordy’s specialty but he’d cross-trained her well.

As she closed the gap between them, she memorized his position to use it to her advantage. But she needn’t have bothered. As soon as his lips captured hers, it was like he forgot Sam was there. His grip on the wounded man lessened and Sam dropped to the floor in a heap as his leg refused to bear his weight. He released a painful hiss as the movement jarred his injury. 

Johnny’s hand that wasn’t holding the knife went to Jules’s hair, gripping her ponytail to pull her closer. She tried to keep her lips pressed together but his tongue forced its way past the barrier. As it plunged deep into her mouth, threatening to choke her, she made her move. She bit down on his tongue, gripped hand that held the knife at the wrist with both her hands, and brought her knee sharply up to his groin all in one practiced, fluid movement. 

With a yelp of pain, he pushed her away from him. She stumbled backward and fell, the just-starting-to-heal bruised side of her face colliding with the coffee table. She was dazed and the fight momentarily taken out of her. He pinned her to the floor crushing her with his weight. He glared at her. “You’ll regret that. Guess you didn’t want to help old Golden Boy after all. Maybe he’s not bleeding enough for you.”

“No!” Jules cried out as Johnny shifted his weight and once more plunged the knife into Sam’s leg, just below and to the right of the previous stab wound. 

Sam howled in agony. “Shit! Fuck!”

And even though Jules knew she should fight back, her heart and body froze at Sam’s scream of pain. As Sam’s eyes rolled backward in his head, Johnny flipped Jules so that she was face down on the floor. Her eyes never left Sam and she barely registered the sharp bite of the flexi cuffs that Johnny slipped on her wrists and tightened them on her wrists that were still slightly tender from being restrained before. Her own physical pain couldn’t hold a candle to watching the agony Sam was in; his skin turning almost gray from pain. 

“Damn it, Johnny, let me help Sam.”

“I don’t think so, Little Girl. You shouldn’t have hurt me. That wasn’t very smart. You just can’t play nice, can you? Poor Golden Boy, she doesn’t love you enough to do everything in her power to save you from trouble and now she’s just ensured you felt more pain. How’s that for devotion?”

“No…blame…” Sam managed to wheeze out despite his pain. 

Johnny yanked her up by her ponytail and threw her to the couch. He used a second flexi cuff to secure her feet together. “I don’t get it JAC, after everything I’ve done for you, you keep finding ways to hurt me and everyone else you claim to love.”

Jules’s eyes narrowed. “What have you ever done for me? You keep throwing that in my face that I owe you. I don’t see it. I don’t see where you’ve done anything but hurt me worse than you claim I hurt you. So please, tell me what’s going on in that sick mind, cause it’s too disturbing for me to try to get in there and figure you out.”

Johnny’s eyes widened and his mouth parted slightly. “I love you. JAC, I was your first….”

“My first what, Johnny?” Jules spat out vehemently. “My first rapist? Because you sure as hell weren’t my first lover.”

Sam lay on the floor where he had fallen, hovering between consciousness and unconsciousness but he could hear everything. While he wasn’t sure antagonizing Dawson was a safe thing for Jules to do, he couldn’t help but feel a little proud of the way she was facing down the man who had hurt her. He loved seeing her badass show and while she never had a problem unleashing it full force on anyone else, he knew how difficult it must be for her to do so now. 

Johnny leaned close to Jules, his breath hot on her cheek, turning her stomach, and placed a hand on the side of her bruised face. “I didn’t rape you. How could you use such an ugly word to describe what we shared. You were so beautiful and innocent; I think that’s what made me love you so much. Even now, you’re like that innocent flower waiting to be plucked. Not like that tramp that lived in this apartment. She was cheap and willing to spread her legs for anyone. She was practically begging for me to take her. Hell, I don’t think she would have minded me slashing her throat if I had just shoved my dick inside her as I killed her. I never did that though. I waited for you.”

Jules nodded, sickened by his words but unwilling to show it. Instead, she gave herself over to her training. “You killed Rhonda. Why?”

Johnny shrugged. “Same reason I killed Margaret all those years ago. Rhonda was going to keep me from you. I did a better job this time. Rhonda died pretty quickly. Wish I’d known how effective cutting someone’s throat was twenty years ago. Margaret wouldn’t have gotten in our way. She wouldn’t have interrupted just as I was about to make you mine.”

His cell phone rang. With a muttered curse he moved away from Jules to answer the call. Almost immediately Jules rolled off the couch and inched her way to Sam’s side. With her arms fastened tightly behind her, there wasn’t much she could do to stem the flow of blood . Even in the same room inches away from him, she was as helpless as Sam had been when she’d been injured in the bio lab explosion and contaminated with anthrax, if not more so. 

His skin was a pasty white, bordering on gray, and beads of perspiration stood out on his forehead. A vein in his temple was visibly pulsating and his half-closed blue eyes were full of pain. He groaned and then used what little strength he had to beg. “Jules, you got to get out of here. You know what he’ll do to you if he gets a chance.”

She longed to brush her fingers across his face; her lower lip quivered. Seeing him so hurt broke her heart but she refused to cry. “We’ve been out of contact a long time, Sam; Sarge will be calling to check on us. When he does, he’ll know something is wrong and help will come. I just need you to hang on til then. Can you do that, Sam?”

He nodded and groaned once more. He wanted to be strong and not show how much pain he was in but it was a lost battle. “Jules, promise me, no matter what he threatens to do to me, you won’t let him hurt you. Please.”

Jules nodded and kissed him. “I promise as long as you promise to trust me. I have no intention of letting him ever hurt me again. But at the same time, if I see a way of protecting us both, I’m going to take it.”

“Promise.” The one word was not much more than a pant. 

Jules glanced back to where Johnny was in an agitated conversation with whomever had called. “Who do you think he’s talking to?”

Sam didn’t have the strength to shrug or even shake his head. It was hard enough to remain conscious. “Jules….scared.”

She was too, even if she’d never admit it. There was something about hearing Sam voice such a notion, however, that made her tremble. She forced a grim smile. “Don’t be. It’s going to be okay. Just save your strength. Sniper breaths, remember?” 

Sam shook his head. “Sick bastard… your underwear….got off…”

She followed his eyes to the hipsters lying on the floor. There was no mistaking the Vancouver logo and instinctively she knew they were hers. There was also no question what had caused the distinctive stain and Jules felt her stomach turn at the realization of what it and Sam’s words meant. While the logic portion of her brain said it was just a scrap of clothing with no real connection to her, she couldn’t help but feel violated all over again. The thought of him jerking off using something that had touched her body was almost as bad as if she’d been physically present as he did so. 

The tears she didn’t want to shed filled her eyes. She couldn’t help but think back to the Valentine’s Day Sam had given them to her. She’d known right away that he had meant them as a sort of gag gift, but she’d turned the tables on him when she wore them to bed that night. Even after that time, she would occasionally wear them to surprise him. Now she wanted to burn them and forget they ever existed. 

“Damn it!” Johnny swore loudly and almost threw his cell phone across the room. He caught himself in time. His eyes locked on Sam and his pupils became fine points of smoldering rage. “This is your fault.”

He crossed back to the couple and pushed Jules to one side. She cried out in protest and Sam in pain when Johnny began to kick Sam. Most of the blows landed just shy of the knife wound. Besides not wanting Sam to be hurt, Jules worried that the force of the kicks would dislodge the knife that was keeping the wound from bleeding too much. 

“All your fault. Everything was going to be different once I was released from jail. JAC and I were going to be together and happy and nothing was going to get in our way. But you did. You wouldn’t let her leave and you wouldn’t let her be with the man she loves. You made me have to save her and now its all going wrong. It’s all your fault.”

“Johnny, stop!” Jules pleased. She managed to get herself between Johnny and Sam in time to take a kick in her own thigh. She would have taken more just to save Sam any more pain. She looked at there tormentor, her eyes begging. “UJ, please don’t do this. It’s not Sam’s fault; it’s all mine.” She hoped by using a familiar moniker she could appeal to the man he’d been before he’d turned out to be so demented. 

Sam was weakly sucking in little breaths to keep from breaking down into sobs of pain. He was a strong person who could take a fair amount of pain but this was more than even he could handle. Still, he would gladly take the pain and more if it meant that Jules was spared further injury. As if the pain in his leg wasn’t enough, it also hurt him to hear Jules plead with the deranged man. It killed him to hear her take the blame for anything that had happened. But he lacked the energy to properly protest as she continued. 

“Sam didn’t stop me from going away with you and he is the man I love. Not you. Never you. So if you have to beat the shit out of someone, beat me. Blame me.”

Sam moaned her name, wanting --no needing-- her to stop. As proud of her as he was, he was more afraid Johnny would do as she requested and he couldn’t stand to lie there helpless as she was hurt. He also hated to hear her take the burden of Johnny’s actions. 

Some of the fire seemed to leave Johnny as he stared at her. Grabbing hold of her Kevlar, he pulled her almost tenderly to her feet. He held her tightly against him and breathed in the scent of her shampoo. “Ah JAC, it’s okay as long as you admit you were wrong. It’s okay. We’ve got the rest of our lives for you to make it up to me.”

And that was when the truth hit her. All along, every time she’d tried to apologize or take the blame or responsibility for the things she had had no control of, those closest to her - her family, co-workers, and especially Sam - had been quick to tell her she wasn’t at fault. And while on some level she’d believed that they believed everything they said, she hadn’t been able to believe it for herself. No matter how much she logically knew it was true. But now, hearing Johnny allow her to accept the blame without protest, drove home everything Sam and the others had been trying to tell her. Fiery anger replaced any of the cool professionalism she was trying maintain. As he nipped seductively at her ear, she twisted away.

“You are seriously fucked up. You know that don’t you? How the hell did Grandma and Grandpa Dawson’s genes get mutated enough to create you? We don’t have the rest of our lives together because I don’t want anything to do with you. Every bad thing that has happened to me has been because of you. You really want someone to blame? Try looking in a mirror. You make me sick. You talk about saving me? You haven’t saved me from a damn thing. You’ve done the opposite of saving me for the last twenty years. Thank God Mom saved me from what you intended to do to me when I was sixteen. And thank God again that Sam could do the same three weeks ago when you drugged me and attacked me in my own freakin’ living room.”

His face lit up rather than get angry. “I knew you would know that it was me. I’m sorry I had to go to such extremes to hide my identity but Golden Boy and the other men you surround yourself with wouldn’t have understood. I didn’t want to hurt you but I was a little upset with you for the things you had said to me the night before. I had to teach you a little lesson. But don’t worry, the next time I make love to you, you’ll be able to freely express yourself and show me how you’ve grown as a lover.”

“I’m not having sex with you, Asshole.” Jules bit out, parroting Sam’s words from earlier. “How about you undo these flexi cuffs and let me express myself right now. I’ll show you how I’ve grown as a fighter.”

“So beautiful when you are trying to pretend to be angry. It’s okay, JAC, I don’t think Golden Boy is aware of much other than the blood and the pain. You don’t have to pretend anymore.” 

Once more he pulled her to him and kissed her. It was a big sloppy kiss that lack any sort of finesse and threatened to gag her completely. Even with her legs bound together by the thin strip of plastic, she tried to step on his foot without falling.

“What the hell is going on here?”


	74. Chapter 74

Sam Braddock was trying to focus on everything that was happening around him. After Dawson’s renewed frenzied attack, it had become almost impossible to do anything other than curl up in a little ball--at least mentally-- as he rode out the waves of pain and nausea crashing over him. He wanted to fight back, wanted to stop Dawson from putting his filthy hands on the woman he loved. But he was powerless to do anything. Even if he hadn’t been fighting just to barely keep his eyes open at half slits and to stay at least semiconscious, his hands restrained behind him would still leave him unable to do anything.

However that focus was hard to come by as he floated in and out of consciousness. It made it hard for him to really follow anything that was going on. He’d vaguely been aware that Johnny had all but admitted to being the one who had attacked Jules in their home but then he’d lost contact with what had followed until he heard Johnny call him Golden Boy once more. He inwardly cursed himself that he wasn’t able to do more to protect them both. He could only hope that Sarge would realize they had been out of contact for too long and have Spike track them via their transponders. Both he and Jules were too vulnerable to do much toward protecting themselves and each other.

A new voice cut through the fog that filled his mind and a surge of hope welled up inside him. Had help arrived? He forced his eyelids upward although they felt like they were weighted down. The image before him didn’t make sense. It was as if he’d fallen asleep while watching two different movies and then having them merge together in a way that didn’t make sense in his dreams. And maybe he had actually sunk deeper into unconsciousness than he’d thought. Because that was the only reason he could think of that would explain Chris Miathis’s presence in the apartment.

Jules, who didn’t have the blood loss and pain muddling her mind, was just as confused. However, she was grateful for any interruption that diverted Johnny’s attention away from her and Sam. She stared dumbly at the older brother of the young woman she’d talked to just an hour or so earlier. Why was he there? 

Johnny growled. “I thought I told you never to come here. Why can’t you just listen for once?”

Chris looked angry. “You were putting me off. I thought it was because you just didn’t want to explain why you lied to me. But this… Johnny, you’re holding a cop prisoner. You were kissing her against her will. You’re no better than the monster that hurt my sister.”

Johnny shook his head. “This isn’t what you think. I’m not doing anything to her against her will. You just don’t understand.”

It was on the tip of Jules’s tongue to protest that it was exactly what Chris was thinking, probably worse. But she needed him to leave the apartment where he was safe and she needed him to call 9-1-1 and report what he’d seen. Sam needed medical attention and he needed it yesterday. She was so afraid of what would happen to him if something didn’t change soon. 

The older brother of the woman she’d talked to earlier shook his head. “You’re right; I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you were kissing her while her hands and feet are tied. I don’t understand how you could use me the way you did. I told you how much my sister suffered; how he hurt her and humiliated her. How he made her not want to leave her house, the very place where he hurt her. You told me you understood why I had to make him pay; promised me that you would help me.”

Johnny smiled. “And I did. The police couldn’t figure out who was responsible but I did. Then I made sure he died and you didn’t have to get your hands dirty at all. I made sure he couldn’t hurt anybody else.”

Chris nodded toward Jules. “Those bruises on her face suggest that she was hurt. You told me she was in on the plan-- that she set him up so she could take him out without repercussion. But she told my sister that if she hadn’t shot him, he would have hurt her the same way that monster hurt Wendy. Damn it, Johnny that doesn’t sound like a set up to me, at least not on her part. Is that why she’s tied up now? She found out what you did? She found out you set her up to be your weapon against a monster? That you risked her safety?”

_“Jules? Sam? Status Report.”_ Sarge’s voice filled the apartment via the radio lying discarded where Johnny left it. 

Jules bit her lower lip. “If I don’t answer him, he’s going to know something is wrong. All of Team One will come looking for us and they will find us.”

Sam groaned from where he was lying on the ground. She glanced down at him unsure if the groan was of pain or about the fact she was giving away their way of escaping this. She wished there was a way that she could help him; at least stem the flow of blood he was losing. A single tear made a track down the side of her face. She glanced back at Johnny, trying to keep any hint of guile out of her face. 

“Johnny, let me answer him. I’ll convince him we’re fine. Think about it Johnny; you said you didn’t want anyone busting in here. That’s what’s going to happen if my boss can’t reach us.”

Johnny nodded and looked at Chris. He didn’t want to release Jules to retrieve the radio, didn’t want to release her ever if he could help it. “Bring that radio over here. JAC, you say anything suspicious and I’ll put another hole in Golden Boy down there and I’ll make sure he doesn’t survive this time. Got it?”

Jules nodded as Chris flicked the switch giving her a live mike. She took a deep breath. “Sarge, Jules here.”

_“We were about to start the debrief. Wondered when the two of you would be back. Everything okay?”_

She didn’t have to see Johnny’s warning look to know it was there. “Everything’s fine, Sarge. Our witness decided to stay frosty on us, especially Sam, so it’s taking us longer than we thought. We might be awhile.”

_“Understood. Do what you have to do. We’ll proceed without you. See you when you get back.”_

“Good girl. Guess maybe you do care what happens to him after all.” Johnny approved. Jules glanced back down at Sam. His right eyelid moved slightly but she couldn’t be sure if it was just a twitch or a wink of approval. 

Chris returned the radio to the table and looked at the gunbelt that also rested there. He fingered the handle and looked back at Johnny before settling his gaze on Jules. “You told my sister you were attacked a few days before you killed the guy who hurt her but you weren’t sure it was the same guy. She said you’d been hurt like her when you were just a kid and that it could have been the same person who hurt you when you were a kid. Is that true? Is Johnny the uncle who hurt you?”

Jules thought about how Johnny had pretty much admitted to being the one who had drugged and attacked her in her own living room. She nodded. “Yeah.”

Every muscle in Chris’s shoulders tightened. “When? What was the date?”

Jules rattled off the date from the top of her head. It wasn’t like it was a date she was ever going to forget. Johnny grinned even more and pulled her closer to him. She realized he probably assumed she could remember it so well because it was a good memory instead of her worst nightmare come true again. 

Suddenly Chris yanked her Glock from the holster and leveled it at Johnny. “Damn you. I helped you because you told me you hadn’t had a chance to see your girlfriend since you got out of jail because it would mean breaking parole. It seemed such a little thing to do to take your place at that anger meeting so you could visit her, especially since you promised to help me get the guy who hurt Wendy. But you used me to hurt someone else. I bet you laughed at how stupid and naïve I was.”

Even though a gun was now pointing unwaveringly at him, Johnny laughed. “Put that away before you actually do something stupid. I didn’t lie to you and I didn’t hurt anyone, especially not JAC here. Nobody understands the relationship we have; that’s why I had to meet with her secretly. Besides, I was helping you at the same time. I had already discovered who had hurt your sister; wasn’t hard to do despite what those detectives kept telling her. I knew how he was doing it. So I used the same drug he used and set everything up to look like he hurt JAC here. I knew she wasn’t in any danger; knew when I suggested her as his next victim that she’d kill him before becoming his victim.”

“You raped your own niece? How could you do something so vile?” Chris asked, the gun still a real threat. His finger was slowly tightening on the trigger, threatening to pull it completely at any second. 

Johnny’s face darkened. “It wasn’t rape. I love her and she loves me. Tell him, JAC; tell him how I was there when you needed me.”

There was no way in hell Jules was going to tell him any such thing. Still this was now a different kind of hostage situation. One she was trained to handle even if it was way more personal than it should be. Deep down in the far reaches of her soul that she didn’t like to acknowledge existed, she wanted to let Chris do whatever he wanted. If he killed Johnny, no one, least of all she, would mourn the loss. Part of her that went even deeper down in those reaches of her soul almost wanted to encourage him to pull the trigger. But she couldn’t do that. No matter how justified she might be in feeling that way, she couldn’t allow herself to stoop to that level. She couldn’t live with herself if she did.

“Chris, don’t pull that trigger. You’d be making a big mistake if you did.”

The man shook his head. “Are you saying he didn’t hurt you? He’s got you tied up and your partner is bleeding on the ground. With a quick squeeze of this trigger it can all be over. That’s not what you want?”

Jules took a deep breath, trying to think through her words before she voiced them. “Yeah, Johnny hurt me. He hurt me twenty years ago, several weeks ago, and probably the worst when he hurt Sam. What Johnny did to me was as horrible as what happened to your sister. I won’t lie about that. And he deserves to pay for his crimes but not this way. I don’t want you to kill him, not because he deserves to live but because Wendy deserves to have you in her life.”

Chris shook his head. “Wendy deserves better than me. I let her down.”

Jules shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You should have heard the way she talked about you. She loves you so much and she was telling me how much better she felt now that you were returning home. She needs you, Chris. She doesn’t want you to get in trouble again.”

“I’m holding a gun. That violates the terms of my parole. I’m already in trouble; why not go all the way?”

“You won’t shoot me because you don’t have the guts to do your own dirty work.” Johnny spouted with a sneer. “That’s why you needed me to start with. From the moment I arrived at Kennington House, you started telling me how you wanted to avenge what happened to your sister. You could have found out the things I did just as easily, but no, you’d rather have someone else take all the risks. Now that I’ve done that, you want to complain about how I did it? Gutless Bastard.”

It occurred to Jules for someone being threatened with a gun, Johnny didn’t seem to recognize the danger he was in. As Chris’s eyes narrowed, Jules knew she had to once more attempt to control the situation. “Chris, right now you might have broken parole by touching my gun but you haven’t committed any real crime yet. Johnny is holding me and Sam hostage. He hurt Sam very badly. Right now, I can make an argument for you that you were saving us. You can just hold him at bay until help arrives and everything can be okay; I’ll vouch for you. If you pull that trigger though, I can’t do that.”

For half a second, Chris’s eyes left Johnny to settle on her. He shook his head. “He’s right. I’m a gutless bastard. I was supposed to protect Wendy but I didn’t. I wasn’t there to make sure she wasn’t hurt and afterward there was nothing I could do to make things better for her. Maybe if I had, you wouldn’t have been hurt as well. I’m so sorry.”

The gun lowered just a little and Jules released a little sigh of relief. “It’s okay, Chris. Whatever mistakes you think you made before, you can make them better now. It’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Chris admitted softly. Then he raised the gun once more and fired a single round. 

Time slowed down in that instant. Sam, who had been fighting a battle to remain conscious, jerked awake at the sound. His eyes immediately sought out Jules, relieved to see her still standing and uninjured. The surprise on her face was evident and he used what strength he didn’t have to turn his head to see what had really happened. Johnny fell to the floor without a sound, the red stain rapidly overspreading his heart announcing that the chest wound would be fatal. 

Jules’s jaw dropped. She’s been so sure she’d talked him down. “Chris…”

But he wasn’t finished. He put the gun in his waistband and removed the knife from Jules’s utility belt as well. Clicking the blade open he crossed the room to where Johnny lay gasping his last breaths. “I told you that someone who could hurt a woman in such a way didn’t deserve to live. I should castrate your ass just for the hell of it. Make your last moments as miserable for you as you made for your niece. You sicken me worse than the man who hurt my sister because you did this to someone who was supposed to be able to trust you. You think you’re better…”

“Am better…” Johnny wheezed out with his dying breath. “Loved her…” His eyes closed and his entire body went slack as life left him completely.

Chris still straddled him but didn’t make good on his threat. Instead he glanced up at Jules. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t let him live; couldn’t let him get away with hurting you, not after you gave Wendy her freedom back.”

She shook her head. “I can’t protect you from this, Chris.”

He nodded. “I know. I don’t expect you to. I’m sure someone’s called the police by now. There will be help coming for you. I can’t be here when they come. I’m sorry. Please make sure Wendy is ok. Tell her she’s better off without me anyway.”

Jules realized he planned to run. “Chris, please. Sam is hurt and he needs help now; he might not make it until help arrives. Please at least cut me free so I can help him.”

Chris hesitated just a second before nodding. He stood, ready to use the knife in his hand to do as she asked. Suddenly several shadows filled the doorway. Jules glanced back, glad to see that help had arrived. Spike and George entered first with their guns extended, providing cover for Sarge. Ed was nowhere to be seen but if she had to guess, she was sure he was in the building across the alleyway, with a sniper rifle trained inside the apartment. 

Immediately, Chris dropped the knife and retrieved the gun from the waistband. He wrapped his arm around Jules and pressed the gun against her forehead. The muzzle was still warm from having been fired recently. “Don’t come any closer. I don’t want to hurt her but I will if I have to.”

Sarge nodded. Ever since Jules had given the code that she and Sam were in distress, he’d been terrified at what he’d find once they had located his two missing officers. Hearing the gunshot as they had approached the apartment had filled him with complete dread that they’d been too late. His glance around the room didn‘t do much to change that feeling. He could see Sam lying still, bleeding profusely from a leg wound. Only the slight rise and fall of his chest assured him that Sam was even still alive. Jules didn’t appear injured physically but he could see the strain whatever had happened here today was having on her. He didn’t know who this guy was that was holding Jules hostage but it wasn’t unusual to go into a call without any information. The difference being he usually had Jules in his ear feeding him details he could use. 

“Sir, I’m Sgt. Greg Parker with the Strategic Response Unit. Can you tell me what’s going on here?”

“What the hell does it look like? Go away.”

“I can’t do that, Buddy. Not when you are threatening two of my officers. How about you let Jules go and then we can talk about what happens next?”

Chris shook his head and tightened his hold on Jules. She could tell from the way the muzzle was digging into the side of her head that his hand was shaking. She knew he didn’t want to hurt anyone but was scared about the idea of going back to jail. Sam might not survive the time it took to talk Chris down.

“Chris, you killed Johnny because you said he deserved to die. Maybe he did but Sam doesn’t. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I owe him so much. He was there for me after Johnny attacked me; he prevented Johnny from being able to do to me all the things that happened to your sister. Whatever else happens, please, let them take care of Sam; get him the medical attention he needs.”

Chris considered her request and shook his head. “I don’t want anything bad to happen but if I do they’ll try to do something to take me prisoner. I’m sorry, Constable Callaghan, but I can’t take that chance.”

“They won’t do anything.” Jules promised, looking over at Sarge. “Right, Boss? Spike and George will just move Sam out to the hallway where medics can treat his injuries. Everything else can wait until he’s safe, right?”

Sarge nodded. “Absolutely. Chris -- it is Chris, right? Chris, you let our injured officer go and it’ll help your situation a whole lot. On the other side, if he dies when you could have helped him, it will go a lot worse on you. Let my men take care of Sam and then you, Jules and I can work out the rest. Okay?”

The gun pressed more firmly into her temple but it didn’t bother her as much as it did glancing down at where Sam was crumpled on the floor. He was so still and pale, she was afraid it was already too late. Her lower lip quivered slightly but she couldn’t give into her fears, not if she wanted to save Sam. “Please Chris. Wendy wouldn’t want this of you. She was telling me earlier what a great big brother you were. How much she looked up to you despite the mistakes you made. You aren’t the type to let someone die if you could do something about it. Please, let them take care of Sam. There’s no way I would have made it through everything Johnny did to me if it hadn’t been for Sam. I can’t do it without him. Please, just let them get him to the medics. I beg you.”

His grip on the gun tightened and in that moment, Jules wasn’t sure she cared if he pulled the trigger if he didn’t let them help Sam. But then he sighed. “Okay, but if any of you try anything I will kill her.”

“No one’s going to try anything. Spike, George.” Sarge gave them permission to break cover and tend to Sam. He pulled his own gun; not an effective negotiation strategy but necessary if both men who were covering him were busy dealing with the injured officer.

Spike checked Sam’s pulse as he knelt beside his friend. It was weak but present and alarmingly rapid. He checked to make sure George had a good grasp on Sam’s legs that wouldn’t risk jarring the knife that was still lodged in his thigh. They lifted the injured man and carried him carefully but swiftly out of the apartment. Medics with a stretcher were already staged in the hallway. Steve looked at them as they deposited Sam gently on the stretcher. Almost without acknowledging the officers, he started to cut away at the pants material, being careful around the knife. He winced and glanced at Mindy. “We need to transport quickly. Looks like he’s already lost close to 2 liters of blood. Get an IV of fluids going; we need to start replacing fluids before we lose him.”

George immediately returned to the apartment but Spike lingered for a second, worried about his friend. He watched as Steve pressed gauze bandages against the original stab wound. He tried to keep the fear out of his voice as he couldn’t avoid asking the question weighing on his mind. “Is he going to be okay?”

Steve glanced at him, his expression uncertain. “I don’t know. He’s in pretty bad shape. He’s definitely going to need blood and probably surgery to close the wound. We’ll take care of him; I promise you that. Is Jules in there?”

Spike nodded. Even if there was nothing romantic between the paramedic and Jules, Spike was sure there was still a deep friendship and admiration there. “We’ll take care of her. I promise. I don’t know how long we’re going to be tied up here. Can I give you Natalie’s phone number? You call her so there’s someone there for Sam at the hospital?”

Steve nodded and Spike quickly scrawled the number on the chart Steve was holding. Sam groaned slightly and Spike leaned down close. “Sam, Buddy, listen to me. Jules is going to be okay; we’ll make sure of it. But the only way she’s going to really be okay is if you’re okay. So you gotta hold on. Got it?”

Steve touched Spike’s shoulder. “We really need to transport. We’re taking him to St. Simons. I’ll call Natalie while we’re en-route and tell her what’s going on.”

Spike nodded. He watched as Steve and Mindy wheeled Sam away. His gut twisted at the idea that he was letting his friend go without someone there with him. He trusted Steve and knew the paramedic would take care of him and that Natalie would be there as quickly as possible but he still worried. He didn’t need much medical training to know that Sam was in serious condition. Slowly, he turned and returned to the apartment. Sam was in good hands and now he had to keep his promise to protect Jules. 

The scene hadn’t changed much in his absence. The subject still had a death grip on Jules, using her as a shield against their guns. Spike couldn’t tell from his position if Ed would have a good advantage from where he’d set up a sniper’s perch from the next building. Sarge was trying to negotiate but it was clear that the subject wasn’t listening. If he understood what Jules was saying while negotiating Sam’s release, this subject was the brother of the victim she and Sam had gone to visit earlier. How he’d ended up in Rhonda’s apartment was a mystery to him. 

“Winnie, see what information you can give me about Wendy Miathis’s brother. Look under Chris Miathis.”

_“Already on it.”_ Of course she was, Spike thought. She would have heard the transmission and anticipated Sarge needing information on the fly. That’s why she was so good at her job. _“Chris Miathis has served two different jail sentences, one ten years ago for drug possession and the most recent for robbery. A store owner sustained pretty bad injuries during the robbery. But I’m also seeing numerous arrests for misdemeanor offenses, mostly drunk and disorderly charges. He apparently has a bit of a temper.”_

“Thanks Winnie.” Sarge responded softly. The subject wasn’t showing any signs of de-escalating. If anything, he seemed more agitated. He wasn’t responding to Greg’s attempt to negotiate Jules’s release. Even Jules, who sounded remarkably cool headed for everything that was going on around her, hadn’t been able to coax the gun away. “Ed, do you have a solution?”

_“I have the solution.”_ Ed’s voice was unflappable as usual. Greg didn’t want to call a Scorpio shot; there was always a risk to the hostage in these situations but it was worse knowing it was Jules in danger. He would make the call if he had to but he hoped it wouldn’t come to it. 

“Stand by,” Greg ordered and turned his attention back to the subject. “Chris, I don’t think you want to hurt Jules. I really don’t.”

“I don’t.” Chris agreed but his grip on both the gun and Jules never wavered. “But I can’t go back to jail. I can’t take it in there again.”

“Then don’t make things worse than they have to be.” Greg tried. “Release Jules and end this now before things reach a point where you can’t come back from it.”

“It already has.” Chris insisted, the muzzle of the gun digging painfully into Jules’s temple, eliciting a wince from the young woman despite the fact she was trying so hard to remain stoic. In fact, if not for the wince and for the fact that situation was too scarily real, Greg could almost imagine she was treating this as just another one of those long days where she was once more called upon to play the victim during hostage negotiation training. Greg made a mental note in future such trainings to make someone else the victim. 

Jules found herself almost wishing this was just a training session. At least then, she’d know she was really okay and more importantly that Sam was okay. Her eyes had sought out Spike’s when he first came back in the apartment but he refused to look at her. She wanted him to reassure her that Sam was going to be okay but the fact that he was avoiding eye contract worried her. Had it really been too late? Though she knew it was better to just stay quiet and let Sarge handle the negotiation, she needed it to be over so she could find out about Sam. “Please, just let me go before it gets any worse. So far the only person you’ve hurt is Johnny. He murdered Rhonda and stabbed Sam. He was holding both Sam and me prisoner when you came in. The court will take that into consideration. I‘ll testify to that.”

Chris snorted. “I didn’t ‘hurt’ Johnny. I killed him. That’s hard time no matter what. I can’t do that. Besides, why would you help me? It’s my fault he was able to hurt you.”

“How is that?” Greg inserted. He wasn’t sure it mattered but as long as Chris was talking there was a chance for a peaceful end to this. Besides, it was obvious they weren’t going to get any answers out of Johnny about how he’d managed any of his obviously twisted plan. If Chris somehow had answers….

“He told me he hadn’t been able to spend time with his girlfriend because it would mean breaking his parole. He said the anger management class would be a good time if he could get someone to take his place since no one would suspect he wasn’t there. I knew it was wrong but it seemed like a small price to pay for his help in finding the man who hurt Wendy. I didn’t know he planned to hurt anyone. I wouldn’t have helped him if I had known.” 

“Of course you wouldn’t have.” Greg assured him. So Johnny’s so-called air-tight alibi had been manufactured. “How did he do it?”

“Gave me his janitor’s uniform. I was able to get past security that way. Then after he had checked in with the visual check and made sure he’d been seen, he went to the bathroom and we changed clothes. I took his place in the classes and he slipped out. He returned before the end of the class and we switched back and no one was the wiser.”

“It’s not your fault.” Greg assured him, although he really wanted to shake the man for not questioning Johnny’s intentions more closely. If he had, then perhaps Johnny wouldn’t have been able to hurt Jules. “Chris, put the gun down and walk away. You didn’t want Jules hurt then and you don’t want to hurt her now.”

Chris shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I never wanted it to come to this. You just should have stayed away until I could leave. Then none of this would have happened. I’m sorry. I really am but I don’t have a choice.” 

His finger started to tighten on the trigger. Greg’s stomach twisted. “Scorpio.”


	75. Chapter 75

The sound of a gunshot filled the apartment and left Jules temporarily deafened in one ear and the other ringing. But she was standing. She was sure she hadn’t been hit even though she’d felt the heat of a bullet exploding out of the end of her Glock. If she had been, she wouldn’t be feeling a splatter of something sticky hitting the side of her face and hair. She wouldn’t be feeling anything. As she crumpled to the ground, she started to rethink her assessment that she hadn’t been shot. 

Dimly from a long tunnel away, she vaguely registered her name being called. She didn’t react as Sarge grabbed her by her Kevlar vest and pulled her to a sitting position. The bindings on her hands and feet were cut away and strong comforting arms wrapped around her pulling her close. 

“…over, Jules.” The deafness in the one ear and the ringing on the other had subsided so she could just make out Sarge’s voice speaking to her in that reassuring way that usually calmed her down. She blinked dumbly at him as he continued to assure her. “It’s over, Jules. You’re safe.”

She looked around. Chris was lying beside her, his eyes open and staring. The blood pooling beneath his head told her how he’d died, shot by sniper fire -- probably Ed. But Ed would have been too far away; she wouldn’t have heard that shot. She glanced back at Sarge, the question clear in her eyes. He smiled at her but she could see he was just as shaken. 

“Chris fired but he aimed upward toward the ceiling. I really think he didn’t want to hurt you.”

She still didn’t respond as she tried to sort everything out in her mind. Sarge touched the side of her face, the concern evident in his eyes. He turned back to where Spike and George were hovering nearby. “I think we need to get another EMS unit up here.”

That snapped her out of her reverie. She shook her head adamantly. “No, I’m fine. I’m not hurt.”

Greg was relieved to hear her speak but he still wasn’t sure she was as okay as she wanted him to think. He eyed her carefully. “You sure? Your skin’s a little clammy. Maybe we should let the medics check you out; just to be sure.”

She shook her head once more. “No, I’m okay. Just a little shaken. Please, I’d rather just get out of here and go check on Sam.”

Greg nodded and helped her to her feet. Her knees threatened to buckle once she was standing and he wrapped his arm around her waist to steady her. He wasn’t sure if it was from having her legs bound together with the flexi-cuffs or the shock of everything that had happened but he couldn’t blame her for feeling a little shaky. He wanted to once again urge her to sit down and let a medic check her out but knew she would continue to balk at the idea. 

Spike gave her arm a squeeze as they passed. He couldn’t help but notice that even though Greg was keeping a firm hold on the young woman, Jules’s back was straight. She wouldn’t give in to any of the emotions she had to be feeling as long as there were any other eyes around. He wondered if she was even aware of the blood and brain matter that had splattered the side of her head. If she could see herself, she would understand why Greg wanted a medic to look at her. Spike and George fell into step behind them, leaving a couple of uniformed officers to keep the scene secured until SIU arrived to take over the investigation. 

Greg kept his arm around Jules’s waist as they made their way to the elevator, as they rode the lift down to the ground floor, and as they left the apartment building. It wasn’t so much that he was worried she was going to buckle under the stress; after that initial falter when she stood, she’d been fine. He recognized the stubborn glint in her eye as much as Spike had; the one that said she wasn’t going to give in to any hysterics no matter how justified. No, the arm was more for his peace of mind than for hers.

Part of it was an inexplicable need he had to offer her reassurances whether she needed or wanted them. A reminder that they were there for her and would love and support her and Sam both figuratively and literally. A need to do something for her even if it was only a comforting touch. She hadn’t really reacted to the arm at all but at least she hadn’t spurned it either. And for that Greg was grateful.

Because he had to acknowledge, at least to himself, that he needed the contact as much if not more so than she did. He needed the physical reminder that she was okay. When she’d given the code for an office in distress with the added warning that Sam was in worse condition, he’d been close to panicked. How could a simple visit to a victim have gone so wrong? Then when Spike had pinpointed their location to Sam’s apartment building, the fear that Dawson was involved had hit him full strength even though Spike said their transponders put them more down the hall than Johnny’s apartment. He couldn’t help but expect the worst. But even with expecting things to be bad, he hadn’t been prepared for seeing Sam lying on the floor, barely moving and possibly dying. Hadn’t expected to see Johnny dead on the ground and a complete stranger holding Jules at gunpoint. Seeing the young couple who had already been through so much, once more in danger was almost too much for him to take. Never, not even in his distress when he felt like he failed Captain Simon Griggs with the fire department earlier in the year, had a negotiation felt so tough and personal. Jules wasn’t just a hostage at gunpoint and Sam wasn’t just any wounded victim. They were colleagues, friends, people Greg called family just as much as Dean and Marina were. Failure wasn’t an option and he’d had nothing to work with until Jules had negotiated Sam’s release and in so doing fed him the information he needed to try to save them. And so the arm around her waist was necessary. 

As they stepped out into the daylight that was beginning its change to evening, he saw Ed being led from the building across the street where he’d set up his sniper’s perch. Greg shook his head. What a way to have to end a first shift back at work. His long-time friend seemed to be arguing with Inspector Stainton, and as the sniper looked over and saw Greg and Jules, with Spike and George right behind them, the argument escalated. 

“Screw protocols.” Ed yelled, his voice carrying all the way across the street. He stalked away from the officer and toward them. And then Greg understood what the argument was about. Stainton was trying to follow procedure and take Ed in for the SIU investigation that followed a Scorpio shot. Greg knew he’d be pulled away for the same reason any minute now himself but he wanted to fight it as much as Ed seemed to be. Procedures had their place but people were more important. Jules and Sam needed them and nothing else mattered. 

Ed’s long legs had him across the street and at their sides in no time. As the sniper held out his arms, Greg released his hold on Jules. Ed needed the reassurance of her touch as much if not more than Greg had. Despite the obligatory “I’m fine” Ed always gave after a difficult shooting, Greg knew the emotional toil such shots had on the man. But as many kill shots Ed had made, none seemed to have affected him like this one. Probably because making a clean shot had never been so important. The slightest move either way could have put Jules right in his line of fire with no warning, and a second’s hesitation could have given Chris time to shoot Jules. 

Ed crushed Jules to his chest. His taller and broader body dwarfed hers. The side of her head, the side splattered with Chris’s blood and brain matter, was pressed against his Kevlar vest. Even through the extra padding, Jules could hear his heart still hammering rapidly. 

Stainton approached, clearly about to protest that suspect officers weren’t allowed to talk. Wisely, he stayed silent but it wasn’t clear what had sparked his sudden compassion. Perhaps it was the warning glare Greg shot him or maybe he realized Ed wouldn’t listen to him anyway. Or perhaps it really was compassion and the realization of just how personal the call had been for all of them that made him hold his tongue. 

After a moment or two, Ed pulled back with reluctance to stare at her intently. He was still holding her tightly but could now look down at her more easily. “Are you okay?”

She nodded. The daze she’d found herself in during those last moments of being held captive had started to fade. She still didn’t think Chris wanted to hurt her but just a millimeter’s difference and she wouldn’t have been able to walk out of the building the way she had. She shuddered at the thought, grateful once more that she worked with the best. “Thanks to you. You saved my life.” 

Ed still studied her carefully, his mouth turned downward in concern. “Just returning the favor.”

He glanced from Jules to Greg. He’d heard the traffic on the headset that Sam had been taken to the hospital but nothing had been said about his condition. “How’s Sam?”

“Stab wounds to the thigh.” Jules reported. Her tone was mostly detached and professional, the way it had been in the apartment, but Ed was glad to hear a bit of the concern and fear creeping into her voice. She needed to allow herself to not only feel but express her emotions she had to be experiencing. For Jules, the slight tremor in her voice was tantamount to heart wrenching sobs from another. “He lost a lot of blood.”

Though she was still in the protective cocoon of Ed’s embrace, Greg reached out and squeezed her arm above the elbow. “Sam’s tough. He’s going to be okay.”

Jules gave a slight nod at his assurance. Stainton cleared his throat, obviously at the end of his compassion. Greg shot him another look but sighed. “Jules, Eddie and I have to go with SIU. Let Spike drive you back to HQ where you can clean up and change before he takes you to the hospital.”

Jules shook her head. “I’d rather go straight to the hospital. That knife caused a lot of damage and I need to know he’s okay.”

Greg knew she was anxious to know about Sam’s condition and probably wasn’t even aware of how scary and bloodied she looked. If she was, she obviously didn’t care, but Greg knew Sam would. “Jules, the doctors will take care of Sam. Spike gave Steve Nat’s phone number; she’s there with him I’m sure. I know Sam will want to see you as soon as possible to know you are okay just as much as you want to see him, but he doesn’t need to see you like this. It’ll scare him.”

The eye roll she gave him might have made him smile any other time but the situation had been too intense for that now. She shook her head. “Sam’s smart enough to know I wouldn’t be standing there if this was my blood.”

Greg didn’t argue with her although he really wanted to. His need for her to be checked by a medic really hadn’t lessened even knowing the blood wasn’t hers because she just looked so hurt. He didn’t think Sam would be any different. But arguing with her would just be pointless. He looked at the computer expert. “Okay, Spike, take her to the hospital. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Spike nodded and led Jules to one of the SUVs. He noticed her hands were shaking as she fastened her seatbelt. He couldn’t blame her. He thought back to how shaken he’d been after Greg and Sam had rescued him and Natalie from David Fleming. He could only imagine how much worse it was right then for Jules. 

“Sam’s going to be okay.” Spike broke the silence as he negotiated the streets. “After George and I carried him out to the hallway where Steve and his partner were waiting with the stretcher, I stayed with him until they were ready to transport. Yeah, he’s probably going to need a mass of stitches and about a gallon of blood but he’s going to okay. Sam doesn’t know how not to be okay.”

“Did you offer him the same pep talk when I was the one being rushed to the hospital?”

Spike grinned. “Yeah, but I’m hoping you listen better than he did. He went so far as to ask me where and when I’d gotten my medical degree. Almost hurt my feelings until I heard him ask the ER doc the same question.”

A hint of a smile crossed Jules’s lips. “Sorry, he’s a tad overprotective at times.”

“Tad? Seriously, Jules, you need to work on your gift for understatement a little. And I think it runs both ways. Why don’t you call Nat and get an update. It’ll make you feel better.”

Jules reached for her phone and then remembered it was still in Rhonda’s apartment. At least this time it was still intact. She sighed. “Can I borrow yours?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
“There’s probably a good reason why she hasn’t answered.” Spike tried once more to assure Jules as she tried unsuccessfully to reach Natalie. “Knowing Nat, she left the phone in the car once she got to the hospital or something like that. Don’t read more into it.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Jules grumbled as she handed him back his phone. Fortunately, Spike was pulling into the hospital parking area. Without even asking which she’d prefer, Spike pulled right up to the entrance to let her out while he found a parking place. He reached over and squeezed her hand. “I’ll be in as soon as I park. Don’t worry, Sam’s going to be okay.” 

Jules nodded even though she was too worried to fully trust he was right. She was barely aware of closing the car door behind her as she quickly made her way inside to the nurses’ desk. As it always seemed in a hospital, the nurses were busy and at first no one paid Jules attention as she stood, waiting to ask about Sam. Her impatience grew as no one seemed to look her way. Finally she tapped on the desk and raised her voice. 

“Excuse me, I need some help.” 

One nurse glanced her way and then paled. “I need a stretcher over here. Page Dr. Myers stat. Ma’am, don’t move. We’re going to take care of you.” 

She rushed around the desk as someone came around with a stretcher toward Jules. The nurse tried to ease her toward the awaiting cot but Jules struggled against her hold. “Let go of me.”

“Officer, please calm down; it won’t help to have you upset. We’re going to take you straight back to triage. How did you get here?”

“I’m not injured. I’m looking for someone.” Jules protested realizing the nurse was focused on the blood and not what she was saying. 

More personnel converged on her trying to force her down on the stretcher. It was all too much for her after everything that had happened since her arrival at Rhonda’s apartment. She fought back, scrambling off the cot with enough strength that it should have clued them in that she wasn’t hurt. Strong but familiar arms encircled her waist steadying her as Spike joined her. 

“Everyone take it easy. It’s not her blood. Please, we just need information. Our teammate was brought here by ambulance earlier. Can you tell us where to find him? The name is Braddock, Sam Braddock.” 

The nurse stared from him to Jules in disbelief. The fact that Jules was standing and talking despite looking like an extra from a disaster movie seemed give credence to both Spike’s and Jules’s claim of her not being hurt. Spike smiled at her, letting his dimples show. The nurse returned to the other side of the desk and typed in the information to the computer. “Constable Braddock was transferred straight to surgery. That’s on the third floor. There’s a waiting room there. Are you sure she doesn’t need to see a doctor?”

Spike nodded. “Positive. Thanks.”

He led Jules over to the elevator and once it opened they stepped inside. Thankfully they were alone in the car and as the door closed behind them and Spike pressed the number 3, Jules leaned against the wall blinking back uncharacteristic tears. She glanced his way.

“Thanks. I guess that’s why Sarge wanted me to change first.”

Spike nodded. “You do look like you’ve been through the wringer, literally.”

“Surgery. Spike, I’m scared. What if he lost too much blood? What if there was nerve damage? He’d already been stabbed once but Johnny stabbed him again because I fought him. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have…”

Spike shook his head. “Jules, stop it. Sam wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for any of this. You know that.”

She nodded. “You’re right. It’s Johnny’s fault. I’m glad he’s dead; I just wish for a moment I could bring him back to life so I could kill him again, with my bare hands if I had too.” She looked at Spike, her eyes pleading with him. “Spike, he’s got to be okay. I can’t lose him.”

The elevator opened up. Spike waited until they had stepped out of the cart before he hugged the young woman. He didn’t seek to reassure her with words. She knew intellectually everything he could possibly tell her already. Knowing it didn’t lessen the fears any. She was trying so hard to be strong but he could tell she was barely hanging on. “Come on, I bet Nat’s in the waiting room; maybe she has news for us.”

He kept his arm around her as he led the way down the hall. As soon as he opened the door, Natalie, who was sitting on a cushioned chair near the door of the otherwise empty waiting room, looked up with hopeful, tearstained eyes. When she saw Spike coming in, she jumped to her feet. Spike released his hold on Jules so that he could hug Natalie. He kissed her cheek and whispered reassurances into her ear. 

“Natalie?” Again Jules had reigned in control of her emotions so that barely even a tremor appeared in her voice. “Have you heard anything?”

Natalie released Spike and shook her head. “Not since…” She broke off abruptly when she looked at her brother’s girlfriend. She paled. “Jules? Oh my god, are you okay? They didn’t tell me you were hurt too. Why aren’t you in the ER. Spike, take her back down there…”

“It’s okay, Natalie,” Jules assured her tiredly. “Sam?”

Natalie paled even more. “Oh god, is it Sam’s blood? They wouldn’t let me see him before they rushed him off to surgery. I’ve just been sitting here waiting to hear something but no one wants to tell me a damn thing. What the hell happened today? Something go wrong on a call? What?”

Natalie’s voice rose in near hysteria. Spike tightened his hold on his girlfriend and again kissed her, this time on the side of her head. He reached a hand out towards Jules and took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “No, Nat. It’s not Sam’s blood either.”

“Promise?”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, something else you should know. Johnny’s dead.”

Natalie frowned. “Good. I know that sounds mean but I’m glad he’s gone. He’s hurt too many people and he would have just hurt more given the chance. Does Rhonda know?”

Jules paled even more and pulled her hand free from Spike’s. She turned her back on the couple. So much hadn’t been able to be said, so much still unknown. She knew Rhonda was a good friend to Natalie and hated to have to break the news to her. “Rhonda is…Johnny…” She picked up a magazine from a small end table and threw it across the room in a fit of anger. “Damn him.”

Natalie pulled away from Spike and nodded toward Jules, indicating he should go to her. He caressed her cheek and then moved to Jules’s side. “Jules, what is it?”

She took a couple of steps away from him. She didn’t want him to comfort her; needed the physical and emotional distance in order maintain her control on her own emotions. She took a deep breath. “Rhonda called Sam; said she’d found something and she was scared. We were just going to check things out; we figured it was just Rhonda being over dramatic. She wasn’t. Natalie, I’m sorry; there was nothing Sam could do for her when he got to her apartment.”

Natalie lowered her head. She didn’t need it spelled out for her. Spike felt torn. Who did he go to? He couldn’t be there for both of them no matter how much he wanted to be. As he saw the tears start to spill down Natalie’s cheeks, his choice was clear. He returned to her side and engulfed her in a hug. One hand cupped the back of her head and the other rubbed circles on her back. He glanced back at Jules, his eyes pleading with her to join them. 

The house phone on the desk rang. Jules walked stiffly to it and picked it up. “Hello? … Yes, I‘m with the Braddock family.”

She listened for a moment, her expression giving nothing away. Then she thanked the person on the other end and hung up the phone. She crossed to the chair next to the one that Natalie had been occupying when they came in. Her hands were shaking as she buried her face in them. Then she looked up. “That was the surgical nurse. They are still operating. They’ve closed up the initial stab wound and are about to start to remove the knife from the second one so they can repair that damage. They’ve already hung two units of blood and are about to hang a third. They’ll call and give us another update in about thirty minutes to an hour.”

Natalie swiped at her tears. “He’s going to be okay, right? I mean he’s got to be. He’s Sam.”

Spike led her back to the chairs and sat down with her, snuggling her into his side and reaching out to take Jules’s hand in the process. “Yeah, of course he is. Sam’s going to be just fine. I bet he’ll be back to giving everyone a run for their money on the obstacle course in no time.”

Natalie nodded. “Yeah, of course he will. I should call Mom and Dad, right? They need to know.” She reached for her purse, digging for her cell phone and frowning when she couldn’t find it. She shook her head. “I must have left it in the car. I had it on the seat next to me after the paramedic called to tell me about Sam. It must still be there.”

Any other time, Spike would have smirked that his prediction to Jules earlier had been true. But he held his amusement in check and held out his hand. “Give me your keys and tell me what section you’re parked in. I’ll go get it.”

Natalie flashed him a small smile of gratitude and handed him the keys. “Thanks. Don’t suppose I could also convince you to call my parents while you are at it, can I?”

Spike shook his head. “I love you but not a chance. Either of you want coffee or anything while I’m gone?”

Natalie verbally declined and Jules, who was more or less just staring off into space, just shook her head. Natalie waited until Spike had left the room before she scooted closer to the other woman. “Jules, I know it’s probably not the right time, but what happened?”

Haltingly Jules told her the general story, leaving out the crudest and the most graphic of details. By the time she had finished, the door to the waiting room opened once again. The two women looked up, expecting to see Spike. Instead it was Wordy and Raf. The two men greeted them quietly. Jules’s surprise at seeing them must have been obvious because Wordy quickly explained. 

“The Boss called, told me what had happened, and that Sam was injured. I offered to pick Raf up on the way here. We wanted to be here to make sure he’s okay. That you’re okay.” He looked around. “I thought Spike was supposed to be here.” 

Natalie explained about her cell phone and that Spike had gone to retrieve it. She then, since Jules had once more seemed to have retreated into her thoughts, filled the new arrivals in on the latest update on Sam. Wordy listened, his attention focused more on his former teammate than anywhere else. While Raf pulled a chair over to sit opposite the two women, Wordy excused himself and left the waiting room. He returned a few minutes later and knelt beside Jules.

“Come with me a moment.”

Jules blinked at him. “I’m fine. I don’t want to go anywhere in case they call with an update.”

Wordy nodded. “We won’t be far. Come on.” He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. It was obvious he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He led her down the hall to a unisex bathroom and held the door open and motioned her inside. “Sit down.”

His tone was firm but gentle; one she’d heard him use with the girls on numerous occasions. The tone that made all three of his girls fall into line without protest or resentment. But she wasn’t a little kid; she leaned against the wall of the large bathroom and folded her arms across her chest, ready to ignore his command when she caught sight of herself for the first time in the mirror. 

No wonder people were freaking out looking at her. Without protest she sank down onto the closed seat of the toilet, not only in compliance with Wordy’s request but because her legs were suddenly shaking. Wordy picked up a wash cloth he’d gotten from a nurse at the desk down the hall and held it under the hot water. Wringing it out, he gently began to sponge away the effects of Ed’s kill shot from the side of Jules’s face. 

His touch was gentle, almost as if he was washing sticky syrup off Allie’s face rather than dried blood off his former co-worker’s. His expression didn’t betray any hidden fears or thoughts but his tone was gentle when he spoke.

“So it’s just the two of us here and you know you don’t have to be the badass with me. The Boss didn’t have a chance to tell me everything that happened. Anything happen today you need to talk about?”

He didn’t say the words but the implication was there. She shook her head. She knew she’d have to give her statement at some point but for now she needed to hold her emotions in check, needed to be strong for Sam. Wordy eyed her thoughtfully before nodding. She might need to talk but it was obvious she wasn’t ready to yet. It wouldn’t do any good to press the issue. He set the washcloth aside with a sigh. 

“Got most of it off your face but it’s sticking to your hair pretty good. You’d probably be better off just sticking your whole head under the faucet. I even sweet talked the nurse out of a towel when I got the wash cloth. It’s on the back of the toilet.” 

Jules nodded. “Sweet talked a nurse, huh? Shelly know about that skill?” 

Wordy chuckled, glad to see her making a joke. “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt me. I promise I only use my powers of persuasion for good.” He paused. “Sam’s going to be fine, Jules. Trust in that.”

She nodded, not meeting his eyes. “And if there’s nerve damage?”

Wordy knelt down beside her so he could look her in the face. “Jules, I never thought I could do anything but SRU. Even before I knew about the Parkinson’s, the possibility of not being able to do the job any more scared the shit out of me. But look at me, I’m doing it and while it might not be what I prefer, I’m happy. If the worst happens, Sam will be too. He’ll have you and he’s much better qualified to do other things than I am. But it’s not going to come to that. It’ll take more than a couple of stab wounds to sideline Sam. He’ll work through it. You’ll see.”

Jules sucked in her breath. “I want to believe you…”

Wordy grinned cheekily and winked. “Then do it. Don’t you know that I know everything? I can get the girls here to confirm it if I need to.”

She reached out and touched his cheek. He noticed that her hand was shaking worse than his ever did before he was on his medication. He covered her hand with his own. She offered him a wan smile. “Thank you.”

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Any time. I’ll give you some privacy but I‘ll be right outside.”

Alone in the bathroom, Jules stood on shaky legs in front of the sink. This look in the mirror wasn’t quite as scary but she definitely needed to wash the rest of the blood from her hair. She reached up and freed her hair from its ponytail holder. She slapped the faucet on with mostly hot water with a little of the cool to temper it. It took a few minutes of letting the water run through her hair before it ran clear and she was sure she’d gotten most of the blood out. Snippets of memory from the afternoon ran through her mind as she did. 

_“Don’t worry, JAC, I’ll let you take care of lover boy here and all it will cost you is a kiss. One kiss isn’t so much to ask for if it’ll keep Golden Boy from bleeding out, is it?”_

_“I don’t think so, Little Girl. You shouldn’t have hurt me. That wasn’t very smart. You just can’t play nice, can you? Poor Golden Boy, she doesn’t love you enough to do everything in her power to save you from trouble and now she’s just ensured you felt more pain. How’s that for devotion?”_

_“Ah JAC, it’s okay as long as you admit you were wrong. It’s okay. We’ve got the rest of our lives for you to make it up to me.”_

_“So beautiful when you are trying to pretend to be angry. It’s okay, JAC, I don’t think Golden Boy is aware of much other than the blood and the pain. You don’t have to pretend anymore.”_

Her stomach twisted and lurched and she barely had time to raise the lid on the toilet before her stomach upended its contents in an effort to purge itself of any remnant of Johnny’s touch or kiss. Rising again, her head went back to the faucet but this time to fill her mouth with water. She rinsed it around her mouth before spitting it out again. She was about to repeat the process when there was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Jules, you okay in there?” Wordy’s voice sounded concerned. She wondered if he’d heard her throwing up or if she was just taking longer than she thought. She reached for the towel on the back of the toilet and dried the excess water from her hair.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Coming out now.” She once more checked her appearance and saw that though she now looked a little bedraggled, she at least didn’t look like she needed to be admitted to the hospital any longer. She tossed the towel aside. Still not satisfied with the taste in her mouth, she reached into her pocket for the Listerine pocket packs she kept there for long calls. She pulled out three at one time and placed them on her tongue before pocketing the pack once again. 

She opened the door and Wordy looked down at her in concern. “Better?”

She shrugged. “Any word on Sam?”

“Come on; let’s check together.” He slung a casual arm around her shoulders and led the way back to the waiting room. He held the door open for her. As she stepped through the threshold, she could see Natalie and Spike standing near the chairs, the former in the latter’s arms sobbing. Fearing the worst, Jules’s hands covered her mouth and she took a step backward. Only Wordy’s arm firmly around her kept her from fleeing completely. He looked down at her in concern and then back at Natalie and Spike. “Guys?”

Spike shook his head. “It’s okay. Still no word on Sam.”

Jules almost sagged against Wordy in relief. “Then…”

“The General.” Spike supplied as if that would be explanation enough. Then he continued. “Natalie didn’t want to risk upsetting their mother by calling her and giving her the news over the phone. So, she called The General instead. I’m guessing he wasn’t too happy with the way things were left between him and Sam the other day. I don’t know what all he said to Nat but she’s been like this since she hung up the phone.”

“Is he coming?” Jules asked, a hard edge entering her voice. Natalie didn’t respond. Jules took a few steps closer, reaching out to touch the other woman’s shoulder. “Natalie. Is he coming? Is he brining your mother?”

Spike frowned. He knew Jules was upset but he didn’t think her rising anger was going to help Natalie any. He tightened his hold on his girlfriend and shook his head in warning. Jules ignored him. The female SRU officer’s eyes narrowed. “Natalie?”

The blonde woman lifted her head from Spike’s chest and looked at Jules, shaking her head a couple of times. Jules frowned. “Give me your phone.”

There was something in her tone that made Natalie acquiesce without question. Jules pulled up the call history and pressed the button to redial the last number called. Her eyes narrowed even more as a clipped voice said a terse “Hello.”

“General Braddock, this is Jules Callaghan. I know we established the other day that you have shit for brains but you don’t have to prove it every chance you get. Sam is hurt and it’s serious. He needs his family…”

_“Sam made it clear he doesn’t want anything more to do with me.”_

“Damn it. Are you really that much of an asshole? What Sam doesn’t need is your sanctimonious crap. He needs to know his parents are here, and frankly I don’t care if that means you have to choke on your pride then you do it. Go pick up your wife and get down here, or I swear to God, I’ll…I’… Just get here, damn it.” She ended the call without waiting to hear a reply and thrust the phone back into a stunned Natalie’s hand. 

Wordy and Spike exchanged a look. They had both seen Jules in full blown badass against subjects but to hear her go off on Sam’s father the way they just had was new even for them. Spike was glad to see it; she’d been too quiet and un-Jules like for far too long. Still, he hoped the consequences wouldn’t come back to bite her in the ass. Spike led Natalie back to the seats and they sat down. Wordy pulled a chair next to Raf and also sat down. Jules paced back and forth for several minutes before she too sat back down next to Spike. She leaned her head back against the wall, her hair still damp from washing out the blood. Then she glanced down at her watch.

“Shouldn’t we have heard something by now?”

Wordy reached across and gave her knee a reassuring squeeze. “Relax Jules. No news is good news.”

She rolled her eyes, looking up at the ceiling. “No news is simply no news.”

The door to the waiting room opened once again and a doctor wearing scrubs stepped inside. He looked down at the small group. “Braddock family?”

He pulled another chair over and sat down. “I’m Dr. Peterson, the surgeon who operated on Mr. Braddock. Fortunately, the knife missed any major arteries and tendons and we were able to repair the damage. He won’t be running any foot races any time soon but I expect him to make a full recovery.”

Natalie hugged Spike in relief. Jules stared at the doctor, almost afraid to believe the good news. “He lost so much blood…”

The doctor nodded. “Yes, much more and we might have lost him. But we hung three units during surgery and we’ve got a fourth going right now. We’ll monitor his levels over night and if necessary we’ll give him another unit or two overnight. He’s a very lucky man.”

“Can we see him?” Jules asked hopefully.

“Soon, he’s in recovery now and should be there about an hour or so. Then, provided his vitals look good, he’ll be moved to a regular room. You’ll be able to see him then.”

The doctor left and Wordy smiled at Jules. “Told you he’d be fine. Sounds like it’s still going to be awhile. How about I take you down to the cafeteria; get something to eat?”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry. Spike, you and Natalie should go. I’ll stay here in case they call from Recovery.”

Natalie professed to not having an appetite either but Spike insisted she try to eat something. They rose to go, and sensing that maybe Wordy could get Jules to talk if they were alone, Raf decided to join them. 

Once they were alone, Wordy nudged Jules leg with his foot. “So calling Sam’s father shit for brains….”

Jules shrugged. “You disagree?”

Wordy shook his head. “No, I’m just thinking Sam’s going to wish he’d been in here to hear that one.” He waited a moment or two. “You better now that you know he’s going to be okay?”

Jules shrugged. “I’ll feel better once I can see him, you know?”

Wordy nodded. “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Remember the trouble we had when Lily was born? They kicked me out of the delivery room and I was terrified I was going to lose both Shelley and the baby. I couldn’t quite believe they were both okay until they let me back in. Being able to hold my girls sort of erased that fear right away.”

“Yeah.” Jules replied softly. She leaned her head back against the wall again and closed her eyes. She was suddenly very tired. Wordy didn’t press her to talk any more. Instead, he just sat there keeping a watchful eye on her. 

The others hadn’t been gone ten minutes when the door opened again and a nurse stepped inside. She looked at the two of them. “I’m looking for someone named Jules.”

Jules sat up, her eyes wide with fear. “I’m Jules.”

“I’m Sara, a nurse in Recovery. I’ve been taking care of Sam Braddock.” Seeing the fear in Jules eyes, she was quick to reassure her. “He’s okay. He’s still very groggy but when he’s awake he’s been very agitated. He’s been calling for you. We don’t normally allow people in Recovery but in this case, I’d like to make an exception. I think if he sees you, it’ll make him rest easier.” 

Jules nodded and rose. Wordy promised to fill the others in when they returned. Jules followed the nurse down the corridor. As they walked, Sara filled Jules in on Sam’s condition. “He’s still mostly out of it. Don’t expect him to be very lucid. There’s some ice chips next to his bed; you can give him some if he wants it. They had to put a breathing tube in while they operated -- standard procedure. I’ll be monitoring him the whole time.”

Once in Recovery, Jules made a beeline for Sam’s bed. She took his hand in her own and gave it a squeeze, mindful of the IV in his arm. Sam’s eyes fluttered but didn’t open. Sara offered her a stool to sit on, and after marking down the latest readings of his blood pressure and pulse, the nurse gave them some privacy. 

“Sam, Baby, I’m here.”

Again Sam’s eyes fluttered and this time managed to open halfway. “Jules?”

His voice was husky and he ran his tongue over his lips, trying to moisten them. Jules reached over to the small table for the glass of ice chips. She picked out one of the bigger chips and ran it over his lips before letting him take the chip into his mouth. His grip in her hand wasn’t very tight but he gave it a slight squeeze anyway. “Over? Safe?”

She nodded and leaned down to rest her head against his forehead. She took a shaky breath. “Yeah, it’s over. It’s all finally over.”


	76. Chapter 76

“Jules?”

Jules’s eyes fluttered open from her own light slumber at the weak but almost panicked cry. She stretched in the chair and bit back a groan before it could become audible. Normally she could sleep anywhere, curled up in whatever small space she’d managed to wedge herself into. But this wasn’t normally. Her injuries from the past few weeks were healing but not completely painless and had only been aggravated by the kicks she’d taken in Rhonda’s apartment. 

“Jules?” This second cry was even more panicked. Jules leaned forward and brushed the tips of her fingers over the Sam’s stubbly cheek. This wasn’t the first time he’d called out for her in such a way. The first few times it had scared her, making her think something was wrong with him. But each time he’d simply once more been seeking reassurances that she was there and okay. Once she let him know everything was okay, he was fine once more. 

“I’m here. It’s okay.” Jules assured him. 

He nodded weakly. Reassured, his eyes started to close again. Despite her worry, Jules smiled. In the hours since he’d been moved from Recovery to a regular room, he’d been asleep more than awake. The times he had been awake, he hadn’t seemed very lucid and hadn’t seemed to remember what he’d been told the last time he’d been awake. It worried her at first but then the nurse who’d been assigned to his care overnight had reassured her. 

The older, experienced woman had checked his chart and smiled. “Mr. Braddock seems to be the poster boy for perfect health. No previous surgeries and it doesn’t look like any major injuries. Between the anesthesia and the pain medication -- neither of which he seems to be accustomed to having, he’ll probably be pretty much out of it for awhile. Don’t worry, by tomorrow he should be his usual self again.”

Now, a few hours after the nurse’s reassurance, Sam shifted on the bed and groaned. Jules winced, knowing how much pain he was probably in, despite the pain medication. He had a pain pump so he could push a button to get morphine when he needed it but so far he hadn’t pushed it while awake. So far he’d gotten three doses of the morphine simply because his nurse had pushed the button for him when she’d come into the room to check on him. Jules bit her lip, “Sam, why don’t you hit your pain button.”

He shook his head and opened his eyes. “Want a clearer head. Don’t like feeling foggy.”

Jules frowned. “Well, I don’t like seeing you suffer when you don’t have to. Trust me when I tell you they are right about not letting the pain get out of control. Remember, I know a little bit about pain.”

“Don’t like to remember that,“ Sam muttered and groaned again. “I’m good.” Instead of hitting the pain button, he reached out for the bed controls and raised the bed slightly so he was sitting up. “Can I have some water?”

Jules nodded and left her chair. Picking up the water pitcher, she poured some more water into a glass and held it for him so he could sip through the straw. Once he was satisfied, she returned the cup to the nightstand and ran her fingers through his blonde hair. “You want anything else? You haven’t eaten anything. Your nurse said if you were hungry they have soups they can heat up.”

He shook his head. “I’m good.” His eyes drooped once more but Jules could tell he was fighting it. They opened again and he looked around. “Weren’t there more people here earlier?”

Jules nodded. She returned to her chair that was as close to the bed as she could get it. “Yeah, the whole team was here along with Natalie and your parents.”

His eyes opened all the way and he looked over at her. Everything had been so fuzzy since he’d woken up. “My parents were here?”

Jules smiled at him. She didn’t want to tell him about the phone call; at least not tonight. The General and Mrs. Braddock had arrived about an hour after Sam had been moved to a regular room. Sam’s mother had cried and fussed over her still groggy son but the General had hovered near the door. He didn’t say anything at all to Jules and she didn’t feel the need to say anything to him in return. “Yeah, they’ll be back in the morning. They got a room for the night. You had your mom pretty worried.”

He nodded. “Mom freaks about a simple paper cut so I can only imagine. Kind of surprised the General came. I wasn’t exactly nice the last time I saw him.”

Jules bit her lip, still not wanting to upset Sam by telling him his dad had originally not planned to come. There would be plenty of time for that later. “You’re their son; where else would they be?”

Her fingers running through his hair seemed to be relaxing him and his eyes started to close. A moment later, his breathing evened out and he was once more asleep. Jules continued to play with his hair for a few minutes more to make sure he was completely asleep. Then she settled back in her seat again. Though it would be very easy for her to give into the sleep she needed, she forced her eyes to stay open. 

She’d passed exhausted hours ago before everyone had finally left. She was now working on waking zombie status. It must have been noticeable to the rest of the team because as they started to leave, Greg had offered to spend the night at the hospital with Sam so she could go home and get some real sleep. Even if she had been tempted to take him up on his offer, Sam had woken up briefly in a panic looking for her and seeking reassurance that she was okay. No one else had said anything more about her leaving after that. 

She shifted in the chair trying to find a more comfortable position but knew it was an impossible task. The room was a semi-private one and the other hospital bed was empty. The nurse had told Jules earlier she could sleep in it but so far Jules had held off. It would just make more work for the staff if they had to put someone else in the room later and she was worried she might miss it if Sam woke up in the middle of the night. She couldn’t take a chance on him hurting himself trying to look for her. 

She glanced down at the scrubs she was wearing and the disastrous results that had almost caused. She would have been content to stay right by Sam’s side from the moment she joined him in Recovery but investigators for SIU had different ideas. They had shown up not long after Sam was moved to a room needing her statement. Recounting everything that had happened in the apartment hadn’t been easy but Greg, who had shown up with Ed just before SIU’s arrival, had insisted on sitting in on the meeting. His presence had helped. The investigators had needed her uniform as evidence so she’d had no choice but to change into a pair of pale green scrubs offered to her by the hospital staff. She’d been in the process of changing when Wordy had burst in saying they needed Jules back in the room. Sam had woken up and was distressed that Jules wasn’t there. He was trying to get out of bed to look for her and even in his weakened condition, they weren’t having much success keeping him still. She hadn’t strayed far from his side since then. She’d even limited her trips to the bathroom because it seemed like he would wake up as soon as she left.

Her weariness was starting to catch up with her and she leaned her head onto the bed and let her eyes close. As she drifted off to sleep once again, she didn’t see Sam’s expression change as dreams invaded his sleep. She wasn’t aware of his increasing distress until he started to thrash on the bed. She sat up quickly and tried to hold him down, worried that he would rip out his stitches. 

“Sam, baby, wake up. It’s okay; everything’s fine. It’s just a dream. It’s okay.” 

He stilled beneath her and slowly opened his eyes. He was breathing hard as he tried to focus his eyes and his thoughts. Each breath in was released in the form of a whimper of pain. After about ten of those breaths, his hands reached up to touch her arms, almost as if reassuring himself that she was really there. “Jules?”

She forced a smile even though her heart was breaking to see him in pain. “Yeah, I’m here. It’s okay. Want the pain button now?”

He shook his head. “No…” He was practically having to pant out his answers. “Just… moment.”

She perched gingerly on the side of his bed where she could once more run her fingers soothingly through his hair. Slowly, his breathing became less ragged and pain filled and the shaking she’d felt in his hands eased. He closed his eyes but she knew this time he was not going back to sleep. Then he opened them again.

“You’re okay, right? He didn’t hurt you? It’s like I remember him hurting you.”

Jules leaned down and kissed him softly. “I’m fine. You’re the one I’m worried about.”

Sam shifted on the bed and as soon as he tried to move his injured leg, his fingers unconsciously tightened on Jules’s arms and the groan became more of a scream of pain. Jules winced, but it was more in sympathy for the agony he was enduring than from his painful grasp. When his hold on her eased considerably, Jules reached beside him on the bed and pushed the button on the pain pump giving him a dose of morphine. He glared at her.

“I seem to remember you complaining when I did that to you,” he grumbled.

She smiled and kissed him again. “Didn’t stop you from hitting it when you thought I was being too stubborn. Honestly Sam, you are way more stubborn than I ever thought about being.”

Sam rode out the rest of the pain. “What happened to Johnny, Jules? Please tell me his ass is in jail for good this time.”

“Johnny’s dead, Sam.”

Again Sam’s eyes rested on her, wide and questioning. “I think I vaguely knew that. Was it you or me?”

Jules shook her head. “No, it wasn’t either of us. Remember Chris Miathis coming in?” When Sam only gave a half nod, Jules filled in the gaps in his memory. When she got to the part about how she’d tried to negotiate Chris into not pulling the trigger, she hung her head, unable to hide her guilt from Sam. "Part of me wanted to tell him to pull the damn trigger and be done with it. So that I could be done with him once and for all. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want Chris to pay that price. What kind of negotiator does that make me?”

Sam reached up and touched her cheek. “A human one. Seriously, Jules, this wouldn’t be the first time we tried to keep a subject from firing because we cared more about the subject than the victim. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

Jules nodded but looked down as if suddenly interested in short fingernails. Sam frowned and maneuvered himself into more of a sitting up position despite the pain. “Jules, what aren’t you telling me?”

She shook her head, not wanting to add any more stress to him. The hand on her cheek drifted down to her chin giving it a slight bump to make her look up. His eyes lost just a little of the painful look. “Please.”

“I had to give my statement to SIU earlier. They seemed satisfied but I don’t know. I can’t help wondering if I did everything to stop it. I’m not sorry he’s dead. I can’t be, not after all he’s done to me, my family, you. If I had tried a little harder to convince Chris to let him live, then maybe Chris would still be alive as well.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Jules.” Sam urged. “I know you; you don’t know how not to do your best in everything you do. I don’t have to remember everything that happened after I was stabbed to know that.”

She just frowned showing she wasn’t sure she believed him. Sam raised an eyebrow. “Jules, one thing I do remember almost perfectly are a couple of promises we made to each other in the apartment. You made me promise to hold on, remember?” Jules nodded and Sam continued. “I did that, right?” Again a nod. “Okay, so you’ve got to follow through on your promise to not let him hurt you.”

Jules sighed. “Sam, he’s dead; he can’t hurt me anymore.”

Sam shifted slightly, his eyes closing once again to the pain and his jaw rocked as he tried to avoid crying out. Jules glanced at the monitor on the pain pump. Still three more minutes until it would allow another dose. Swallowing a final groan, he re-opened his eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a baby…”

Jules leaned down and kissed him again. “Sam, the doctor didn’t even bother telling us how many stitches it took to sew you back together so I’m pretty sure that means a butt load. I think you’ve got a right to hurt. But just so you know, if you don’t push that morphine button as soon as the lock out on it ends, I will and I won’t feel bad about it.”

“Damn, you mean I can’t push it now?” Sam moaned. 

Jules wrapped his hand around the trigger mechanism. There had reached a point after she was shot that she was ready to admit defeat as a tough girl and hit the button almost constantly whether it gave her any relief or not. “Press it as many times as you want to. It’ll make you feel better even if you aren’t really getting any medicine. Trust me I know.”

“I mean it, Jules,” Sam continued as if they hadn’t been talking about his pain. “Don’t let Johnny hurt you from the grave. You said you aren’t sorry he’s dead; good, because frankly I’m glad he’s dead. Just like your Aunt Millie said all those years ago, prison is too good for him. I wouldn’t have been upset if he’d suffered a hell of a lot more before he died to be honest with you. But as much as I would have loved to be the one to put him out of our misery, I’m glad someone else did it. I hate that he ended up forfeiting his life in the end; I wish that could have been different.”

Jules’s lower lip trembled. “There’s still so much I don’t know though. Why he did it, how he did it, and now I never will.”

“Lay down beside me.” Sam urged softly. She shook her head; she felt bad just sitting on the bed with him. She was afraid she was going to hurt him. Sam raised his eyebrow. “Please. My leg is going to hurt regardless and I’d feel better having my arms locked around you. I’ll even let you hit the damn pain button for me as much as you like.”

A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth and she twisted carefully making sure she was curled up next to him. Already it felt much better than the chair, especially as Sam’s arms wrapped protectively around her. Even though she was on his right side to avoid bumping his injured leg but she made sure her head was resting on his chest so that she could hear the reassuring sound of his heart beating steadily. 

He sighed but without a hint of pain this time. “Jules, even if Johnny was alive, I don’t think he’d give you the answers you want. Hell, I don’t know if even knows the truth because he’s so entrenched in his delusions. I know you want the answers but would it really change things if you did know?”

She shook her head. “No, I guess not. I found out more from Chris than I probably ever would have found out from Johnny. He used me, Sam. He promised Chris he’d take care of the guy who hurt Wendy and he did -- by making me the weapon. I killed a man because Johnny made sure I did. I haven’t questioned pulling the trigger on the guy until now.”

Sam tightened his hold on her. “Stop it. Whatever role Johnny played in it, the man you killed was a rapist and if you had given him half a chance you would have been his next victim. You did what you had to do. That you could question that now is one of the reasons why I‘m so glad you weren‘t the one who pulled the trigger. I know you Jules, no matter how justified the shooting was, no matter how many people cleared you; you would always question whether you did the right thing or if you acted out of some sort of need for revenge. I would have spared you that if I could have but thanks to the bastard putting a knife in my thigh, I was pretty helpless. So forgive me if I’m glad Chris did what I couldn’t do.”

The screen on the pain pump switched from lock out to a dosage so Jules pressed the button, knowing that her joining Sam on the bed had to have increased his pain. “It’s over but not really, is it?”

Sam sighed, feeling his eyes getting droopy again. It wouldn’t be long before he drifted off again and he was sure Jules wouldn’t be long behind him now that she was in a more comfortable position. “No, I guess not. Johnny’s dead but the damage he’s done won’t go away overnight. But at least now we can focus on your recovery without having to look over our shoulders wondering what’s going to happen next.”

Jules lifted her head so she could look at him. “You really think that’s possible? Recovery? Can I really put it all behind me and not let it affect me -- us-- anymore?”

Sam nodded. “I think if the second attack hadn’t happened, you’d already be there. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or pain free but yeah, I think it’s possible. I’ll be there with you every step of the way.”

Jules returned her head to Sam’s chest, yawning widely. “I wouldn’t trust anyone else to see me through it.”

Sam’s hand slipped under her scrub top to rub her bare back. “Some things are going to have to wait awhile; at least until this leg heals some. Of course, me having my own private nurse to help me with little things like sponge baths and things like that will help.”

Jules smiled as she slipped toward sleep once again. “Sponge baths, huh? I guess I can handle that.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Ouch, shit.”

Sam gripped the railing on the side of his bed as he once more tried to gingerly swing his leg over the side of the bed. He was glad he was in the hospital room alone so that no one was witness to the fact that he was cursing a blue streak and almost in tears trying to get out of the bed. His knuckles were white as he clutched the cool metal as he placed first his right bare foot on the cool tile floor. His injured leg followed a little slower but soon it too was touching the floor without any weight being placed on it. Gritting his teeth so tightly that his jaw quivered with the effort, he attempted to put at least a little weight on the injured side. 

The pain was intense but Sam didn’t let it deter him. He turned the railing loose and took a tentative step away from the bed. Instantly his leg buckled and he went to the ground. He laid where he’d fallen clutching his injured leg, grateful that the IV line was long enough that the fall hadn’t jerked it out of his arm. At the same time he was cursing the fact that he was now too far away to reach the button on the pain pump. He’d willingly press it a thousand times in that moment. 

The hospital door opened and Sam prepared himself for the tongue lashing he was sure he was about to get from whomever was entering, whether it be nurse or friend. He was surprised then when his father knelt beside him. “Son, are you okay?”

The concern he heard in the General’s voice surprised him even more. He nodded, the pain still too great for him to attempt to speak actual words. His father shook his head. “What were you trying to do?”

“Had to go to the bathroom.” Sam managed to pant out.

“Alone, less than twenty four hours after major surgery? And you try to claim you aren’t a chip off the old block. Let me help you back to bed and I’ll see about finding you a urinal bottle or something.”

“Got one.” Sam muttered. “Just don’t want to use the damn thing. Nothing more embarrassing.” 

“Yeah, like trying to explain why you’ve ripped open your stitches and bled out on the floor of your hospital room because you’re so stubborn wouldn’t be embarrassing. From what I understand, you can’t really afford to lose much.” 

Sam didn’t argue as his father lifted him off the floor and gently eased him back on to the side of the bed. Even though he felt like a small child again, Sam also didn’t protest as he was once more tucked into bed. Hoping his father didn’t notice and add to his embarrassment, Sam held his thumb down on the pain button as if the harder he pushed the button, the more he’d get instead of a predetermined dose. He leaned his head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling.

The General founded the aforementioned bottle and offered it Sam. Sam shook his head. “Don’t need it.”

“Apparently needed it enough to undo all the good that doctor did yesterday. There’s stubborn and then there’s stupid. The former I can accept and respect but not the latter.”

“Didn’t really need it before. It was just an excuse.” Sam muttered, sounding and feeling like a small child being reprimanded. “I figured the doctors weren’t going to let me out of here until I was a bit more mobile.”

The General frowned. “And so you thought you’d prove you are ready to go home by getting out of bed and nearly killing yourself. Smart one, Sam.” He looked around the room the otherwise empty room. “Where’s that girlfriend of yours? I’m surprised she left you alone long enough for you to try something stupid like this.”

Now that he was lying still again, the pain was starting to subside. “She’ll be back. Sarge came by earlier and took her home so she could shower and change. I don’t think she would have gone even then but Sarge also brought us our cell phones from the crime scene. She had a message from someone who needed help.”

Sam didn’t feel the need to explain how Wendy Miathis had called and left a message on Jules’ voice mail. Fighting back her own tears after listening, Jules had played the message for him and Sarge. Wendy had been a sobbing mess explaining that she had to make funeral arrangements for Chris but wasn’t sure she could leave the house to do it. Jules had felt torn between calling her back and agreeing to go with her and staying with Sam. He could tell she felt guilty and hadn’t wanted to add to that guilt. 

Sam had bitten back his initial almost cynical feeling that Wendy was playing on Jules’s guilt for what happened to her brother. But then he remembered how scared the young woman had seemed when they had visited her and was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she truly just needed a friend. So to prevent Jules from feeling any more guilt than was absolutely necessary, Sam had insisted that she call her back and offer to go with her. 

“Quite the firecracker that one.” The General commented almost off handedly. 

Sam grinned. That was one way to describe her. Perfectly harmless unless you lit her fuse, then watch out. She hadn’t said anything to him, but after hearing his father’s assessment, Sam had a feeling the General had somehow done just that. “Jules told me you and Mom were here last night. Sorry I was pretty much out of it. Apparently morphine and anesthesia throw me for a loop. Thanks for being here. It means a lot.”

Warren Braddock studied his son carefully. “Seriously? I didn’t think you wanted anything more to do with me.”

“Dad, I had a right to be upset. And part of me is still upset. But when I was lying there in that apartment, losing all that blood, worried that Johnny was going to kill me so he could do unspeakable things to Jules, I guess it made me reconsider things a little. I don’t agree with what you did -- and I’ve already arranged to have the GPS chip removed from the bike, but you are still my dad and whatever our difference, I still love you.”

The General cleared his throat, obviously not accustomed to the display of emotion. “Yes, well. I’m very glad you are okay. You gave us quite a scare. So this guy that hurt your girl, he’s not a problem any more?”

Sam shook his head. “He was killed during the attack, so, no he’s not a problem any more. Doesn’t erase what he’s already done though. She’s been living with what he did to her for twenty years without telling anyone what happened to her. And just when she starts to open up about what she went through and start to get past it, she gets knocked right back down.”

Warren raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like you love her a lot.”

Sam nodded. “More than I ever thought possible.”

“Then I guess it’s time to give you this.” The General reached in his pocket and pulled out a small gray box. He handed it to Sam. The younger Braddock opened it and smiled. It was even more beautiful than he remembered it to be. It was a white gold ring with a small diamond sitting in the middle of a rose. “You might have to get it sized down before you give it to her. Mom probably had larger hands than your little girl.”

Sam smirked, not taking his eyes off the ring. What would it look like sitting on Jules’s finger? “Don’t let her hear you call her little. Are you giving me this because it’s the right thing to do or because you approve?”

Warren settled into the chair next to the bed. “Does it matter? I get the impression that your decision is made regardless of what I think.”

Sam glanced up. “It is. But I would like for you to be happy for me.”

“She called me yesterday and told me in no uncertain terms that I’d better pick up your mom and get us here. Didn’t really give me a choice about it. She didn’t mince words. Your mother would never have talked to me like that.”

Sam frowned. “No, I guess she wouldn’t. I still love her though.”

Warren nodded. “Your mother would never have talked to me like that but my mother would have. Jules reminds me a lot of your grandmother. So my own feelings aside, I think Dad would approve of your choice. When do you plan on asking her?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know. Not right away.”

His father frowned. “Why not? You love her right? Why wait?”

Sam closed the ring box and handed it back to his father, asking him to put it in the nightstand drawer. "I can still remember the day Granddad told me the story about this ring. How his grandfather had worked hard to be able to buy it and the way he proposed to the woman he loved. How much in love they were. I’d never met them but it was like I knew them just from his story. Then Granddad told me how he set up a really romantic date for Grandma and proposed. Even though I was just a stupid kid, I recognized how special it was. Even then I understood that this wasn’t just a ring that was being handed down. It was much more.”

Sam cleared his throat, a lump starting to form. “One day, I'm going to get to sit down with my grandson and tell him the same story Granddad told me only I’ll get to add my own story to it. I’ll have to make him realize the legacy that goes with the ring. When I do that, I don't want any part of Johnny Dawson and the hell that the man put Jules through in the story nor do I want my proposal story to include me not even able to stand on my feet. I want to be able to tell him a story just as romantic as the one Granddad told me; want him to know how important love is. I want him to be sure he can recognize that special woman the moment he meets her. So as much as I could be happy asking her as soon as she walks through that door; I'm going to wait and do it right. She deserves it and our future grandson deserves it too.”

“I’m proud of you, Son. I know I don’t say it often enough, but I am. You’ve grown into a fine young man and Jules is lucky to have you.”

Sam shook his head. “No, Sir, I’m the lucky one.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. The door opened and Jules stepped in. She looked more like her usual self now that she was wearing jeans and a short-sleeve sweater. When she saw the General sitting there, she blushed slightly and put her hands in her back pockets. “Hey, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you had company. I can slip back out for awhile if you two want to be alone.”

General Braddock shook his head and stood. “No, come on in. I should get back to the hotel and pick up Sam’s mother anyway. She and Natalie were doing some mother/daughter bonding this morning but I know she’ll want to come by and see Sam again before we leave for home.” He reached out and shook Sam’s hand. “We’ll be back in a little while. You need anything?”

Sam shook his head and nodded toward Jules. “I have everything I need right there.”

General Braddock smiled slightly. “Yes, Son, I think maybe you do.” He turned toward Jules and tapped the base of her chin with his hand. “Thank you for calling me yesterday.”

Jules nodded, relieved he didn’t seem upset with her. “Thanks for listening.”

He left and Jules came closer to the bed, toeing off her shoes before gingerly climbing up on the bed to settle beside him. “You okay?”

Sam nodded, wrapping his arms around her. “Better now that you’re back. What about you? How did it go with Wendy?”

“She’s having a tough time with the idea that Chris is gone but I think she might be ready to make some positive steps. Her ex boyfriend met us at the funeral home and volunteered to help with the arrangements. She didn’t turn him away. I think they might have a chance.” Jules reported, resting her head on Sam’s shoulder. 

“Good.” Sam replied. For several minutes they just continued to lie in each others arm, taking comfort in the other’s presence. 

Finally Jules broke the silence. “Sam, I made a decision after I left Wendy. I know it’s not going to be easy and I know you’re going to be limited in what you can do for a few weeks even…” She trailed off and Sam looked down to see her blushing slightly. He kissed her forehead to let her know it was okay to finish whatever she wanted to say. She took a shaky breath. “As soon as we can, I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make sure this is truly over.”

“Whatever you need, whenever you’re ready.” Sam promised. “I’ll be right here with you every step of the way. No place else I’d rather be.”

“No one else I’d rather be with.” Jules affirmed. 

They sealed their promises with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So eight months and 400,000 words later, this story has reached a close. I never in a million years thought it would go this long or be received so well. I appreciate all the reviews and follows and everyone who just took the time to read. I especially appreciate the wonderful people this story has allowed me to not only meet but now call my friends. Words could never express how grateful I am to you all. 
> 
> Even though Growing Up Too Fast is now ended, Sam and Jules’s story has not. Jules still has some healing to do and Sam has story for future generations to create. I will be doing a sequel to this story called “The Re-education of Jules” where both of these loose ends will be tied up. Look for it coming soon. Again, thank you to everyone who has enjoyed the ride as much as I have.


End file.
